Unknowingly, 366 days have passed and I am finally at the doorstep of the big 30. As I looked back at my life, I have had lots of ups and downs and I realise all my life, I have been fighting. I took a walk to Brooklyn Bridge, had Japanese food for dinner and watched a piano concert. It was my childhood dream to learn how to play the piano but unfortunately, financial circumstances at home did not permit it. When I grew older, I felt that it was too late for me to pick it up again so till date, I still cannot play the piano. At this stage of my life, I am transiting but I told myself that if I make a successful transition, I will try to learn how to play the piano. I am not aiming to become a world-class pianist, I just hope that when I am alone at home, I can play something for myself.
So while watching the concert, I cannot help but think that resources is indeed everything in this world. Sometimes, I really wish my parents had spent more time and money nurturing us and developing our talents. We never had anything as kids, because we could not afford it. I am where I am today because I worked for it. I paid for all my adventures overseas and worked for every single thing that I wanted in life - my education achievements, my career, my material and non-material desires. It is not that I blame them for we cannot choose what kind of a family we were born into but sometimes I wish they had made a little more sacrifices for us and maybe we would have be so much different today, given our innate abilities.
That said, I am still thankful for everything that I had in the past 30 years. Imagine taking my first flight at the age of 20, I have now been to 50 countries in the world and this is one childhood dream of mine that came true, or perhaps the only one that came true. LOL. I have lived half a lifetime - along the way, I have collected so many unforgettable memories and happiness but at the same time, there is still plenty of unaccomplished work. Fight on, G!
Showing posts with label tête-à-tête. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tête-à-tête. Show all posts
Monday, 12 December 2016
Sunday, 5 June 2016
Curtains are drawing
Time seems to have whizzed past me once again in the last 8 months. It was not too long ago that I packed my bags and left my country for new adventures. In the last 8 months, I have been very fortunate to have forged many new friendships, hopefully lasting ones as well. I have always been able to warm up to people easily in a new environment but it takes longer for me to allow them to walk into my life and discover who I am as a person. However, once that barrier is crossed, I grow an attachment towards them and find it hard to say goodbye.
In 2 weeks' time, I will have to say goodbye to all these friends of mine and saying goodbye has always been really difficult for me. I am afraid I will tear, because I will probably not see some of these people for the rest of my lives. There are others, however, that I have made promises to visit and reminisce about the old times together in the not so distant future. This week has been particularly hard for me, I do not know why, perhaps withdrawal symptoms from my last two trips with these awesome people, first in Rio and then in the Amazonian rainforest. It has been a long time since I had such strong withdrawal symptoms, the last I remembered was when I returned from Israel and I was so overwhelmed by everything that I had seen there. It is worse that we are preparing for our final exams so we do not go to school and do not get to talk to each other. We are basically cooped up in our own homes.
In Amazonia, we were cut off from our mobile phones because there was no mobile network so I was constantly chatting with my friends, about anything under the Sun. After we returned, I find myself talking to a few of them constantly on messenger and WA because we had kind of grown an attachment during the trip. You know who will sit right next to you on every boat ride, who will not be too far away from you so as to be able to offer a helping hand, etc.
As I look back at our time here, I realise that we spent the most time together when we were in the UK because we were living in close proximity and there were so many events. I am particularly proud that I managed to organise the International Food Festival, not just because of the food but also for keepsake purposes.
In Spain, I was travelling a lot more and I was sick for a week so I missed out on some activities. Nevertheless, whenever I was around, I was sure to join them for a trip and also organised a few dinners with Diego, Sergio, Carlos, Bernardo and Eva. :) How I miss those times.
Moving forward to Brazil, we continued our rendezvous to Chapada, Rio, Amazonia, steak house, etc. I once wrote about a set of lyrics, that any stranger may unknowingly become a person whom you are so close with. Diego and Sergio were the first people I went to the supermarket with in the UK, and though they were not so open at the start and I tried really hard to keep conversations going, definitely not as sociable compared to Alfonso, I am so close to them these days I don't know how it happened?
I know new adventures lie ahead of me, I will make new friends along the way and these people will slowly fade out from my life. Nevertheless, the bonds that I have forged with the people here will stay with me for life. This time round, farewell is much harder than in Stockholm.
In 2 weeks' time, I will have to say goodbye to all these friends of mine and saying goodbye has always been really difficult for me. I am afraid I will tear, because I will probably not see some of these people for the rest of my lives. There are others, however, that I have made promises to visit and reminisce about the old times together in the not so distant future. This week has been particularly hard for me, I do not know why, perhaps withdrawal symptoms from my last two trips with these awesome people, first in Rio and then in the Amazonian rainforest. It has been a long time since I had such strong withdrawal symptoms, the last I remembered was when I returned from Israel and I was so overwhelmed by everything that I had seen there. It is worse that we are preparing for our final exams so we do not go to school and do not get to talk to each other. We are basically cooped up in our own homes.
In Amazonia, we were cut off from our mobile phones because there was no mobile network so I was constantly chatting with my friends, about anything under the Sun. After we returned, I find myself talking to a few of them constantly on messenger and WA because we had kind of grown an attachment during the trip. You know who will sit right next to you on every boat ride, who will not be too far away from you so as to be able to offer a helping hand, etc.
As I look back at our time here, I realise that we spent the most time together when we were in the UK because we were living in close proximity and there were so many events. I am particularly proud that I managed to organise the International Food Festival, not just because of the food but also for keepsake purposes.
In Spain, I was travelling a lot more and I was sick for a week so I missed out on some activities. Nevertheless, whenever I was around, I was sure to join them for a trip and also organised a few dinners with Diego, Sergio, Carlos, Bernardo and Eva. :) How I miss those times.
Moving forward to Brazil, we continued our rendezvous to Chapada, Rio, Amazonia, steak house, etc. I once wrote about a set of lyrics, that any stranger may unknowingly become a person whom you are so close with. Diego and Sergio were the first people I went to the supermarket with in the UK, and though they were not so open at the start and I tried really hard to keep conversations going, definitely not as sociable compared to Alfonso, I am so close to them these days I don't know how it happened?
I know new adventures lie ahead of me, I will make new friends along the way and these people will slowly fade out from my life. Nevertheless, the bonds that I have forged with the people here will stay with me for life. This time round, farewell is much harder than in Stockholm.
Tuesday, 19 April 2016
The world and I
At the end of this year, I would hit the Big 3. Life as a young adult has not been all smooth-sailing but my experiences in the last 7 months have made me realised how blessed I have been though. To meet people from less developed countries and to live in a developing country where there is so much bureaucracy have made me appreciate Singapore a lot more. Nevertheless, all these bureaucracy and uncertainties that I face and the possible risks that I have to undertake are part of the experience of living in a less developed country. I told myself repeatedly that I have to learn to embrace the good and the worse with a smile. My life dream is to travel the world, and before I turn 30, I am glad to say that I have finally left my footprints on all 6 continents in the world, though incomplete. For Africa, I have not been to Sub-Saharan Africa but yes, someday I will be there. Coming to South America was the hardest for me, not just because of the distance but also fears for safety and also the language barrier, but I am glad I overcame the obstacles and finally stepped foot on this beautiful yet a little daunting continent.
Not many people will understand my desire to travel around the world, to meet people from different countries and cultures but I need no one to understand me.
If you would, you could just sit a while with me in Nature, see the Sun rising and setting, under a sky full of stars shining on us, at the edge of cliffs, near the waterfalls, on countless train rides, etc. When you hear the sounds of Nature, you also hear what my heart is shouting. No words need be spoken and nothing will hurt us. I will feel you close to me and maybe then, we will walk hand in hand till the end of time.
Wednesday, 30 March 2016
Be careful what you wish for
Unknowingly, it has been 2.5 months since I have been in Spain. I have little time to write about my life here because I have a very hectic schedule and travelled twice to meet my cousin and my family. It is always good to be able to see your family when you are miles away, have them visit you and since I enjoy travelling so much, I love to share with my family all these beautiful places that I have been to.
This is our first family trip and honestly, logistics wise, it was difficult. Mom has a hand injury and she is always tasked to NOT do anything. The weather is cold and a little rainy at times and considering that this is the first time for many of them in Europe, it was a little harsh on them. Of course, there were times when we got really upset with each other and tolerance and patience were crucial. I shared with lil sis about how I feel towards mom over the last few years. Patience is wearing thin because I feel that I have grown up, experienced so much in life and in a way, I feel that my life experiences are way beyond that of my parents. I can no longer be the little girl who listens to their hearsay from their friends or family members. Reason being that those hearsay come from their uneducated friends and family members, who know nuts about the world, in my opinion. I might sound a little self-conceited but I know everyone out there who is more educated than their parents will concur with me. It is not just about life's lessons, values and virtues but also about how to go about our daily lives. I believe in Science and knowledge and not hearsay or traditions, needless to say superstitious practices. That explains why over the years, I get frustrated when my parents try to educate me with their so-called beliefs. I do not think that I am arrogant because I was once an educator and I know what are the important values to impart to the next generation and believe in being the right role model.
My parents simply have ways to irritate my siblings and I, mom constantly nagging and giving instructions on how to deal with things and dad bragging about his fitness and knowledge every other day. I wonder if they ever look in the mirror or sit down and reflect about their lives, as to why they have achieved nothing after living all these years. I know that it is unfair to use my own yardstick to measure how much they have achieved in life because some people just want to live a serene life and not care about fighting for anything. That said, they should also give me the room to pursue my dreams and not hold me back.
After all these grouses about my parents, I then fell really sick a week after I parted ways with them. When I was sick, I woke up in the middle of the night umpteen times because of the pain. In pain and fatigue, I reflect about my relationship with my parents and there was guilt and a little remorse but I know that a strained relationship is always the fault of both, never one. With dad, I have nothing to say because he was never there when we were kids. He cannot blame us for not reciprocating the love because there was none in the first place.
With mom, the best analogy is like that of a race. When I was a kid, she was the runner in front of me, and I was always trying to play catch-up with her. Though she was in front of me, she looked back at me all the time. She encouraged me to run a little faster and eventually I gathered strength and caught up, and even overtook her as she slowed down. Now that I am ahead and look back at her, I find her no longer the gigantic figure in front of me but so tiny because she is so far behind me. I have forgotten to look back at her. I recall the times when I brought her overseas, to China, Maldives, Taiwan, etc. I love bringing mom on my adventures because she brought me to this world and I want to show her the world, and enable her to see how beautiful and vast this world is. The life lessons that she imparted to me stay with me, a selective few, even till today. Along the way, I have forgotten about making sure she did not fall too far behind me and when it happened, I simply did not look back anymore. I felt upset when I thought about these things but I believe it takes two hands to clap.
In the 6 months that I left home, I never once called home, unlike when I was on SEP. How on earth did I not miss home anymore? I have no idea but it did happen. The world is never a constant, people and mindsets change but I realised that my parents did not, in particular my mom. A friend of mine shared with me an interesting story about how he felt information asymmetry is the main reason why people have to communicate otherwise relationships with break down. I cannot agree more because I feel that this was what happened between mom and me. I no longer tell her about my plans in life because I dislike it when she goes around telling others, neighbours or her siblings, etc. I am someone who loves privacy and want to be undisturbed in my own little bubble so I hate it when people whom I am unfamiliar with come by to ask me about my plans or to a certain extent, question me because that is what some of my relatives indulge in. When this communication channel is cut off, both of us suffer. Some of my friends confide in their moms frequently and I wish I could do likewise with my mom. We used to be able to but no longer now and I do not know why. I believe things happen for a reason and let nature take its course, I guess.
When I was sick, my friends' concern for me was the saving grace and I thought about my mom. I know she is old and some day she will leave me for good. I have never stopped loving her in my heart but when the communication channel got cut off, this love lost its transmission channel. I told myself that my concern will be the one precious thing that I cannot be stingy with when someday, mom becomes ill. Sometimes, I want to tell her about why our relationship has become strained but some things are better left unsaid I guess. I am sick of handling her frustrated tone when I try to thrash things out with her. Maybe some day, when my mom leaves me for good or the other way round, we will both regret not having iron things out and show each other more love while we are still alive. Maybe, perhaps but I believe it takes two hands to clap and make a relationship work. I know that some day when I become old and slow, I will then be able to put myself in the shoes of my mom. Nevertheless, I hope my mom understands that I love her, no matter what happens, even if it is left unsaid.
This is our first family trip and honestly, logistics wise, it was difficult. Mom has a hand injury and she is always tasked to NOT do anything. The weather is cold and a little rainy at times and considering that this is the first time for many of them in Europe, it was a little harsh on them. Of course, there were times when we got really upset with each other and tolerance and patience were crucial. I shared with lil sis about how I feel towards mom over the last few years. Patience is wearing thin because I feel that I have grown up, experienced so much in life and in a way, I feel that my life experiences are way beyond that of my parents. I can no longer be the little girl who listens to their hearsay from their friends or family members. Reason being that those hearsay come from their uneducated friends and family members, who know nuts about the world, in my opinion. I might sound a little self-conceited but I know everyone out there who is more educated than their parents will concur with me. It is not just about life's lessons, values and virtues but also about how to go about our daily lives. I believe in Science and knowledge and not hearsay or traditions, needless to say superstitious practices. That explains why over the years, I get frustrated when my parents try to educate me with their so-called beliefs. I do not think that I am arrogant because I was once an educator and I know what are the important values to impart to the next generation and believe in being the right role model.
My parents simply have ways to irritate my siblings and I, mom constantly nagging and giving instructions on how to deal with things and dad bragging about his fitness and knowledge every other day. I wonder if they ever look in the mirror or sit down and reflect about their lives, as to why they have achieved nothing after living all these years. I know that it is unfair to use my own yardstick to measure how much they have achieved in life because some people just want to live a serene life and not care about fighting for anything. That said, they should also give me the room to pursue my dreams and not hold me back.
After all these grouses about my parents, I then fell really sick a week after I parted ways with them. When I was sick, I woke up in the middle of the night umpteen times because of the pain. In pain and fatigue, I reflect about my relationship with my parents and there was guilt and a little remorse but I know that a strained relationship is always the fault of both, never one. With dad, I have nothing to say because he was never there when we were kids. He cannot blame us for not reciprocating the love because there was none in the first place.
With mom, the best analogy is like that of a race. When I was a kid, she was the runner in front of me, and I was always trying to play catch-up with her. Though she was in front of me, she looked back at me all the time. She encouraged me to run a little faster and eventually I gathered strength and caught up, and even overtook her as she slowed down. Now that I am ahead and look back at her, I find her no longer the gigantic figure in front of me but so tiny because she is so far behind me. I have forgotten to look back at her. I recall the times when I brought her overseas, to China, Maldives, Taiwan, etc. I love bringing mom on my adventures because she brought me to this world and I want to show her the world, and enable her to see how beautiful and vast this world is. The life lessons that she imparted to me stay with me, a selective few, even till today. Along the way, I have forgotten about making sure she did not fall too far behind me and when it happened, I simply did not look back anymore. I felt upset when I thought about these things but I believe it takes two hands to clap.
In the 6 months that I left home, I never once called home, unlike when I was on SEP. How on earth did I not miss home anymore? I have no idea but it did happen. The world is never a constant, people and mindsets change but I realised that my parents did not, in particular my mom. A friend of mine shared with me an interesting story about how he felt information asymmetry is the main reason why people have to communicate otherwise relationships with break down. I cannot agree more because I feel that this was what happened between mom and me. I no longer tell her about my plans in life because I dislike it when she goes around telling others, neighbours or her siblings, etc. I am someone who loves privacy and want to be undisturbed in my own little bubble so I hate it when people whom I am unfamiliar with come by to ask me about my plans or to a certain extent, question me because that is what some of my relatives indulge in. When this communication channel is cut off, both of us suffer. Some of my friends confide in their moms frequently and I wish I could do likewise with my mom. We used to be able to but no longer now and I do not know why. I believe things happen for a reason and let nature take its course, I guess.
When I was sick, my friends' concern for me was the saving grace and I thought about my mom. I know she is old and some day she will leave me for good. I have never stopped loving her in my heart but when the communication channel got cut off, this love lost its transmission channel. I told myself that my concern will be the one precious thing that I cannot be stingy with when someday, mom becomes ill. Sometimes, I want to tell her about why our relationship has become strained but some things are better left unsaid I guess. I am sick of handling her frustrated tone when I try to thrash things out with her. Maybe some day, when my mom leaves me for good or the other way round, we will both regret not having iron things out and show each other more love while we are still alive. Maybe, perhaps but I believe it takes two hands to clap and make a relationship work. I know that some day when I become old and slow, I will then be able to put myself in the shoes of my mom. Nevertheless, I hope my mom understands that I love her, no matter what happens, even if it is left unsaid.
Monday, 4 January 2016
A life like fireworks
I have always enjoyed watching fireworks, and even having watched them live and up close a million times, I still get excited over it and look forward to catching them. So while I was watching fireworks on New Year's Eve, I told myself that I hope for a life that is like fireworks. Happiness at every stage of my life can be short-lived but each journey or phase of my life must be filled with anticipation and excitement. Short but fulfilling. Some people want a life that is pretty much predictable and stable but no surprises or uncertainties or without crisis. I guess it is all about personal preferences.
Saturday, 12 December 2015
On a Carousel
I know I haven't been updating as frequently as I would like to but some days I am just too tired to write. :) Nevertheless, today is a day that I should write on since I will be enjoying the last year before the turn of a new decade of my life.
It was a peaceful day for me, and I did all the things that I enjoyed right from the clock struck 12a.m. Sleeping, taking trains, travelling, shopping, gifting, getting new shoes, exercising, eating my favourite food - hazelnuts, Japanese food. They seem like usual activities in my daily life but doing it on this special day makes me feel that I am a blessed person to be able to enjoy these activities even in my daily life.
When I was 19 going on 20, I felt like I was super OLD. I was no longer a teenager and I was kinda sick of having fun. I wanted to grow up quickly, to have things that I cannot afford as a kid, to travel as much as I can to see the world, to have more freedom, etc. Now that I am in this final year before I enter into another new decade, I feel like I am 20 all over again. Maybe because I have been hanging around with kids since I graduated from university so I feel young at heart. Besides, I am studying now and I do not feel like I am not having fun in life. I have always wanted to change my environment, to change my life circumstances, to impact lives blah blah blah. I once read this quote,
The challenge for me when I get back home is to continue to be whom I am able to be while I am here. Smiling and laughing at the smallest things in life that make me happy, being who I want to be without fears of being judged. Happy B-day, Gisella, Gizelle, Gazelle, Ginnelle!
It was a peaceful day for me, and I did all the things that I enjoyed right from the clock struck 12a.m. Sleeping, taking trains, travelling, shopping, gifting, getting new shoes, exercising, eating my favourite food - hazelnuts, Japanese food. They seem like usual activities in my daily life but doing it on this special day makes me feel that I am a blessed person to be able to enjoy these activities even in my daily life.
When I was 19 going on 20, I felt like I was super OLD. I was no longer a teenager and I was kinda sick of having fun. I wanted to grow up quickly, to have things that I cannot afford as a kid, to travel as much as I can to see the world, to have more freedom, etc. Now that I am in this final year before I enter into another new decade, I feel like I am 20 all over again. Maybe because I have been hanging around with kids since I graduated from university so I feel young at heart. Besides, I am studying now and I do not feel like I am not having fun in life. I have always wanted to change my environment, to change my life circumstances, to impact lives blah blah blah. I once read this quote,
Some people think that a place can save them, like if they could just be somewhere else, their lives would be totally different. They could finally be the person they always wanted to be. A place is a place. If you really want things to change, you can no matter where you are.Now that I have finally changed a place, I can relate to this quote even more. I realise that me being me, I know myself so well. I know my own whims and fancies but sometimes I just had to go along with social obligations. My perspective of life will not change regardless of where I am, Singapore or any part of the world. I face the same emotions because the people around me are similar but different. I continue to face different challenges when it comes to interpersonal relationships and how I handle my life. I cannot run away from dreadful affairs that I have to face in Singapore even when I am thousands of miles away from home.
The challenge for me when I get back home is to continue to be whom I am able to be while I am here. Smiling and laughing at the smallest things in life that make me happy, being who I want to be without fears of being judged. Happy B-day, Gisella, Gizelle, Gazelle, Ginnelle!
Saturday, 24 October 2015
Once upon a time
Recently, one of my friends got hitched. I am writing this because I never had the courage to write about it many years back or even tell anyone about it, for fear that it will ruin my friendship with this friend of mine. However, now that I am far away in the UK and no one really reads my blog anymore, I can finally write about this.
When I entered into my 3rd year in middle school, for the first time in my life, I felt something serious about this one guy in my class. When I had to give out files for Chinese class, I saw his Chinese name and was not sure how to pronounce it but I wanted to know him better. I then turned to my pseudo good friend in class and asked. She teased me about it and knew that I was kind of into this guy. However, I denied because I did not want anyone to know about it. A secret is best kept if you are the only one who knows about it. So I insisted that I was curious about one particular Chinese character and wanted to confirm the pronunciation of the word. Somehow, fate has its own twist and this pseudo good friend of mine ended up carrying a torch for this guy a few months later and this was made known to the entire class. Eventually, they got together and now they are engaged!
I feel happy for the both of them since they have been dating since middle school and have gone through so much ups and downs together. I do not feel like I have missed an opportunity because the 'me' a decade ago is so much different from the 'me' today. I was not a confident person back then, and often had to hide my flaws and inferiority by putting up a strong front. I was bad at expressing myself as well and seriously doubt any decent guy would take a 2nd look at me. So, I was never a choice for him to begin with. Besides, I do not think we are compatible as well. I might like his personality but he probably did not think much about my personality. For a period of time, I was really good friends with him (not because I still feel something for him) because I really admire his personality. However, I never really put in much effort to maintain this friendship and then we stopped talking much to each other.
Occasionally, I think about how my life would be different if I had made different choices while growing up but I never regret my decisions, especially when it comes to love. I once wished for a simple life, get married and settle down with kids. I do not really care about money, status, fame, wealth, etc. and had wanted someone who will walk through life with me till the end of time. However, I do not know what has happened over the years that made me decided that this is not what I want in life ultimately. Maybe I would eventually divorce that someone that I was married to if I had chosen marriage as an option. But MAYBE. Fortunately, I am a happy person now and I know that my choices have helped shape my character and made me a better person now.
Over the years, I have fallen in love with others and also out but all these people whom I once felt something for, I hold them to my heart dearly. I hope that they will find happiness in life and be blessed. Almost all of them have moved on in life and some are even married with kids. This is really a sign of old age for me and this guy is probably one of the last.
Love is never about who falls in love with who first, or who met first. It is always about meeting the right person at the right time. Dedicated specially to 'bestie' and I wish him happiness! :)
对的人，或许会在错的时间去敲你的门 The right person, may appear at your door at the wrong time,
错的人，却可能是你一生最难忘的人 The wrong person, may be the most unforgettable person in your life,
陌生人，也许会变成最亲密的爱人 The stranger, may become the dearest person to you
别以为不可能，什么都有可能，在这一场旅程 Do not think that it is impossible because anything is possible, in this journey of life.
Wednesday, 26 August 2015
31 things to say for a month - Day 29: My Brother
Day 29: If we could be reborn, I would still want to have you in my life.
It is the least expected that this is actually the last post of the thread of '31 things to say for a month'. However, I have re-numbered it to "Day 29" for sentimental sake that my brother is born on the 29th of a month. It is not a very usual day of the month since 29, like 11th (my birthday) are prime numbers! :)
It is a coincidence that this happens to be the last post because I am someone who loves leaving the best to the last. My brother has been a very important person in my life in the last 20 odd years and no amount of words can express my love, concern and gratitude for his existence in my life. Together with my cousin and my sister, they are my trusted aides, my pillars of support whenever I feel down and the people whom I will make sacrifices for just so they can lead a long and happy life!
There is just so much that I can write about when I reminisce our childhood days together with my brother so I seek your patience in reading and my own perseverance to not be shoddy in blogging, considering that it is now 2.41 a.m. (I am trying to adjust to London time, lol.)
The things that we did together as kids:
My brother and cousin were born a year apart so when they started attending Kindergarten together, I often watched in envy. I was enthusiastic about going to school as well, for whatever reason, I do not know. My turn came eventually but by then, they had both moved to Primary School. We were childhood playmates, did loads of silly things such as role-playing different occupations from being a teacher to a doctor, setting up amusement parks, etc. We love going to the playground to play with the slides, see-saws and swings but grandma was not always keen to let us step out of the house. So we often came up with lame excuses such as, "Oh we need to buy a pen or pencil for school" or "We needed to pass our friend homework" just so we could all go out. We would then go to the 'mama shop' to buy sweets, 3 for 10cents, or ice stick that costs 5cents each.
When we were in Primary school, brother, cousin, and I used to walk to school together until my cousin eventually moved out of grandma's house and had to transfer school. My brother was already much older then and after my cousin left, he also started to have friends who walked to school together with us. He often walked side by side with his friends but would ask me to walk in front of them so I was still within his sight. I kinda dislike it because I wanted to walk beside them but the road was just not wide enough. LOL. Material comfort hardly existed but those were the most carefree days of our lives.
Subsequently, we moved out of our grandma's house too and my brother entered his teenage years while I was still a Primary School kid. Our lives were less intertwined during that stage because my brother spent most of his time playing soccer at the void deck while I was constantly running after other kids at the playground, playing "catching". Our only common hobby was to listen to the Radio Station whenever we came back from school and before we headed out to play. We would engage in a duel to guess the singer and song title of the next song that was being played on the FM. Brother always beat me in the game because my short-term memory is near to non-existence and it was only at a much older age that I come to realise. LOL. It was simple things like these that made us happy, really happy.
Lessons as youths:
My brother was never a harsh person who reprimanded me. He knew I was a very strong-willed girl and there were countless occasions when we nearly tore the house apart after we both refused to give in. Nevertheless, he would often share with me lessons in life and in my memory, the one very important value in life that he taught me stems from this saying, "Every little thing you do shapes up your character." I must say that this saying has had the greatest influence on my life. In my younger days, my temper was short, my attitude wasn't the best most of the time and I can be pretty obstinate. I focused on my bigger goals in life and I express my emotions freely, never trying hard enough to contain my anger. However, my brother taught me that I could be a much better person if I work on the small little things in life that could affect me greatly in the future. This saying constantly rang in my mind whenever I felt like letting my emotions loose be it on small or big matters, procrastinating on my work, handling my relationship with my mom and my sis, etc. I started to pay attention to the "little things" in my life - the way I communicate with others, my values in life, and that helped me improve my interpersonal skills greatly. He might not have the slightest idea that this conversation that he had with me had influenced my life so much.
My brother was also someone who placed the family's interests above all else. On contrary, I must admit that I am someone who places my dreams above all else. I wouldn't say I do not love my family but I was like any other teenager who prioritise my friends over my family. My family members never interfered in the things that I want to do, giving me the freedom to pursue my dreams and interests, often accommodating me. When my siblings and I get into an argument, they often commented that I was a very demanding person and they always had to accommodate me. For example, when I was mugging in the room for my exams and they were to engage in a conversation in front of me, I would hush them and chase them out, citing that they were disrupting my revision. Sometimes, I know that they merely wanted to engage me in conversation after seeing me burying myself in the books for the entire day. However, I was so focused that I did not want any disturbances. This perfectionist mindset is often a double-edged sword - it propelled me forward to accomplish the things I set out to do but it also meant that my siblings were often the ones who gave in to my whims and fancies. It was when I accomplished my goals in life and I looked back that I realised that they had always been behind me and without their muted sacrifices, I might not have gone as far. Fortunately, I am not an ungrateful person and I willingly share the fruits of my success with them these days.
Looking to the future:
I have to say that I have had a more smooth-sailing life journey compared to my brother. He has more to shoulder in life as a man and as the eldest of the family, he does not have a role model to follow. Although we meet once a week nowadays, we do not engage in deep conversations about our lives unlike in the past. He is in this transition phase in his life and he really needs to persevere in order to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
We are both Sagittarius and our personalities are quite aligned. We grew up in the same environment, faced similar constraints but our lives have turned out very differently at this point in time. I hate to say this but I feel that I have led a much happier life than he has. I am constantly doing the one thing that I enjoy in life i.e. travelling and each time I step into a new city, experience a new lifestyle and meet different people, I think of my brother. I want to share with him these wonderful experiences and adventures on my escapes so that he can be happy like I am. I think he loves traveling as well, maybe not as much as I do but still, I am sure he will feel that happiness of being free.
In the last 5 years or so, there were times when I get very frustrated with him over his decision making and the way he is handling his life. But my frustration all stem from one root cause - that he is not being decisive and determined in his pursuits which is causing him so much unhappiness. No matter how hard I try to talk sense into him, share with him lessons in life and offer solutions, I have not helped my brother become a happier person. Along the way, I realised that I might be wrong in my judgments because I am not him and what makes me happy may not apply to him. So I can only tell myself that I have to be patient and generous with words of encouragement. Deep down in my heart, I have always been thankful that he helped made me a better person and I feel happy about myself and my life because I am leading the life that I want. In return, I also hope that he can be happy!
As I step out of my comfort zone once again to pursue my dreams like I did 8 years ago, I hope something drastic can change my brother's life again just like it did back then. I have seen too many unhappy people all my life and I know that it all stems from their own insecurities in life. If I could transfer some of his unhappiness to myself, I would gladly do so but I know I cannot. He only has himself to depend on to overcome his own fears and insecurities, change his outlook on life and steer himself back on course to live a long and happy life.
For teaching me the importance of "Every little thing that you do shapes up your character", I would like to return the favour by these two quotes:
It is the least expected that this is actually the last post of the thread of '31 things to say for a month'. However, I have re-numbered it to "Day 29" for sentimental sake that my brother is born on the 29th of a month. It is not a very usual day of the month since 29, like 11th (my birthday) are prime numbers! :)
It is a coincidence that this happens to be the last post because I am someone who loves leaving the best to the last. My brother has been a very important person in my life in the last 20 odd years and no amount of words can express my love, concern and gratitude for his existence in my life. Together with my cousin and my sister, they are my trusted aides, my pillars of support whenever I feel down and the people whom I will make sacrifices for just so they can lead a long and happy life!
There is just so much that I can write about when I reminisce our childhood days together with my brother so I seek your patience in reading and my own perseverance to not be shoddy in blogging, considering that it is now 2.41 a.m. (I am trying to adjust to London time, lol.)
The things that we did together as kids:
My brother and cousin were born a year apart so when they started attending Kindergarten together, I often watched in envy. I was enthusiastic about going to school as well, for whatever reason, I do not know. My turn came eventually but by then, they had both moved to Primary School. We were childhood playmates, did loads of silly things such as role-playing different occupations from being a teacher to a doctor, setting up amusement parks, etc. We love going to the playground to play with the slides, see-saws and swings but grandma was not always keen to let us step out of the house. So we often came up with lame excuses such as, "Oh we need to buy a pen or pencil for school" or "We needed to pass our friend homework" just so we could all go out. We would then go to the 'mama shop' to buy sweets, 3 for 10cents, or ice stick that costs 5cents each.
When we were in Primary school, brother, cousin, and I used to walk to school together until my cousin eventually moved out of grandma's house and had to transfer school. My brother was already much older then and after my cousin left, he also started to have friends who walked to school together with us. He often walked side by side with his friends but would ask me to walk in front of them so I was still within his sight. I kinda dislike it because I wanted to walk beside them but the road was just not wide enough. LOL. Material comfort hardly existed but those were the most carefree days of our lives.
Subsequently, we moved out of our grandma's house too and my brother entered his teenage years while I was still a Primary School kid. Our lives were less intertwined during that stage because my brother spent most of his time playing soccer at the void deck while I was constantly running after other kids at the playground, playing "catching". Our only common hobby was to listen to the Radio Station whenever we came back from school and before we headed out to play. We would engage in a duel to guess the singer and song title of the next song that was being played on the FM. Brother always beat me in the game because my short-term memory is near to non-existence and it was only at a much older age that I come to realise. LOL. It was simple things like these that made us happy, really happy.
Lessons as youths:
My brother was never a harsh person who reprimanded me. He knew I was a very strong-willed girl and there were countless occasions when we nearly tore the house apart after we both refused to give in. Nevertheless, he would often share with me lessons in life and in my memory, the one very important value in life that he taught me stems from this saying, "Every little thing you do shapes up your character." I must say that this saying has had the greatest influence on my life. In my younger days, my temper was short, my attitude wasn't the best most of the time and I can be pretty obstinate. I focused on my bigger goals in life and I express my emotions freely, never trying hard enough to contain my anger. However, my brother taught me that I could be a much better person if I work on the small little things in life that could affect me greatly in the future. This saying constantly rang in my mind whenever I felt like letting my emotions loose be it on small or big matters, procrastinating on my work, handling my relationship with my mom and my sis, etc. I started to pay attention to the "little things" in my life - the way I communicate with others, my values in life, and that helped me improve my interpersonal skills greatly. He might not have the slightest idea that this conversation that he had with me had influenced my life so much.
My brother was also someone who placed the family's interests above all else. On contrary, I must admit that I am someone who places my dreams above all else. I wouldn't say I do not love my family but I was like any other teenager who prioritise my friends over my family. My family members never interfered in the things that I want to do, giving me the freedom to pursue my dreams and interests, often accommodating me. When my siblings and I get into an argument, they often commented that I was a very demanding person and they always had to accommodate me. For example, when I was mugging in the room for my exams and they were to engage in a conversation in front of me, I would hush them and chase them out, citing that they were disrupting my revision. Sometimes, I know that they merely wanted to engage me in conversation after seeing me burying myself in the books for the entire day. However, I was so focused that I did not want any disturbances. This perfectionist mindset is often a double-edged sword - it propelled me forward to accomplish the things I set out to do but it also meant that my siblings were often the ones who gave in to my whims and fancies. It was when I accomplished my goals in life and I looked back that I realised that they had always been behind me and without their muted sacrifices, I might not have gone as far. Fortunately, I am not an ungrateful person and I willingly share the fruits of my success with them these days.
Looking to the future:
I have to say that I have had a more smooth-sailing life journey compared to my brother. He has more to shoulder in life as a man and as the eldest of the family, he does not have a role model to follow. Although we meet once a week nowadays, we do not engage in deep conversations about our lives unlike in the past. He is in this transition phase in his life and he really needs to persevere in order to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
We are both Sagittarius and our personalities are quite aligned. We grew up in the same environment, faced similar constraints but our lives have turned out very differently at this point in time. I hate to say this but I feel that I have led a much happier life than he has. I am constantly doing the one thing that I enjoy in life i.e. travelling and each time I step into a new city, experience a new lifestyle and meet different people, I think of my brother. I want to share with him these wonderful experiences and adventures on my escapes so that he can be happy like I am. I think he loves traveling as well, maybe not as much as I do but still, I am sure he will feel that happiness of being free.
In the last 5 years or so, there were times when I get very frustrated with him over his decision making and the way he is handling his life. But my frustration all stem from one root cause - that he is not being decisive and determined in his pursuits which is causing him so much unhappiness. No matter how hard I try to talk sense into him, share with him lessons in life and offer solutions, I have not helped my brother become a happier person. Along the way, I realised that I might be wrong in my judgments because I am not him and what makes me happy may not apply to him. So I can only tell myself that I have to be patient and generous with words of encouragement. Deep down in my heart, I have always been thankful that he helped made me a better person and I feel happy about myself and my life because I am leading the life that I want. In return, I also hope that he can be happy!
As I step out of my comfort zone once again to pursue my dreams like I did 8 years ago, I hope something drastic can change my brother's life again just like it did back then. I have seen too many unhappy people all my life and I know that it all stems from their own insecurities in life. If I could transfer some of his unhappiness to myself, I would gladly do so but I know I cannot. He only has himself to depend on to overcome his own fears and insecurities, change his outlook on life and steer himself back on course to live a long and happy life.
For teaching me the importance of "Every little thing that you do shapes up your character", I would like to return the favour by these two quotes:
"Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it is stormy now doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine."
"Happiness is not something readymade, it comes from your OWN actions."
I wish my brother health and happiness!
Thursday, 8 January 2015
After thoughts of my epic 49-day adventure #7
#7: A leopard will never change its spots - I can never be a good listener because I simply enjoy talking.
The friends I used to make: I talk, they listen.
The friends that I now make: They talk, I listen.
So while on the trip, one of them just kept blabbering on and on even though I was already too sick and tired to listen. All the grouses, politically correct answers, sentences that has an inevitable "BUT" inaccurate facts kinda irk me but then again, travelling requires you to show patience and I am glad I managed to. That made me reflect on my own conversations with others. Do I have the tendency to have a lot of "BUTs" when I talk? I know "HOWEVER" and "NEVERTHELESS" are common connectors that appear in my writing. Economics has taught me to always question my own point of view or argument and consider a balanced argument. Intellectually, it is desirable. HOWEVER, it is rather irritating in reality when you converse with someone else, isn't it?
A few years ago, I thought I enjoy being the listener in a friendship or relationship. After this trip and in my recent meet ups with some of my oldest buddies and friends, I realise that I am most comfortable with these people because they always listen. :) I do not dominate the conversations but at least they truly listen when I tell them my inner thoughts, feelings and struggles and vice versa. I realise that I am simply someone who loves to talk for long hours - not treating it as a form of complaint but to really get perspectives from other people and I am a strong believer of communication. So when someone simply dominates a conversation (the "they talk, I listen" kind), I get bored after some time and feel disengaged. I guess I tend to keep them at a distance because they never truly listen to my side of the story or do not know me well enough. They nod to whatever that you say out of courtesy and not of genuine concern about your life. Hypocrisy is too strong a word to use and accommodating is too kind a word to describe these people. The exception is when they are really knowledgeable and impress me with all their intellect. LOL. I am a nerd, don't forget.
The friends I used to make: I talk, they listen.
The friends that I now make: They talk, I listen.
So while on the trip, one of them just kept blabbering on and on even though I was already too sick and tired to listen. All the grouses, politically correct answers, sentences that has an inevitable "BUT" inaccurate facts kinda irk me but then again, travelling requires you to show patience and I am glad I managed to. That made me reflect on my own conversations with others. Do I have the tendency to have a lot of "BUTs" when I talk? I know "HOWEVER" and "NEVERTHELESS" are common connectors that appear in my writing. Economics has taught me to always question my own point of view or argument and consider a balanced argument. Intellectually, it is desirable. HOWEVER, it is rather irritating in reality when you converse with someone else, isn't it?
A few years ago, I thought I enjoy being the listener in a friendship or relationship. After this trip and in my recent meet ups with some of my oldest buddies and friends, I realise that I am most comfortable with these people because they always listen. :) I do not dominate the conversations but at least they truly listen when I tell them my inner thoughts, feelings and struggles and vice versa. I realise that I am simply someone who loves to talk for long hours - not treating it as a form of complaint but to really get perspectives from other people and I am a strong believer of communication. So when someone simply dominates a conversation (the "they talk, I listen" kind), I get bored after some time and feel disengaged. I guess I tend to keep them at a distance because they never truly listen to my side of the story or do not know me well enough. They nod to whatever that you say out of courtesy and not of genuine concern about your life. Hypocrisy is too strong a word to use and accommodating is too kind a word to describe these people. The exception is when they are really knowledgeable and impress me with all their intellect. LOL. I am a nerd, don't forget.
Saturday, 27 December 2014
After thoughts of my epic 49-day adventure #2
#2: The dream world journey
While in Turkey, I met this Japanese girl who travelled for 1 year 3 months around the world. She started from Southeast Asia, then to Africa, Europe, South America, North America then finally back to Japan. You must be thinking, is it like a "around the world in 395 days" thingy? Spot on! Of course she did not visit every single country in the continents that I mentioned above but to be able to cover 42 countries in a year is quite a feat, ain't it? She simply shouted out to her FB friends that she will be travelling around and whoever is able to accommodate her can just leave her a note. She also did some couch surfing to save on costs. In total, she mentioned a budget of around 20,000 USD which is not too much considering that she travelled for more than a year!
Through the stories that she shared and the pictures that I saw on her Facebook, it hit me quite hard once again. I realise that we are both quite similar in a lot of ways. She is born in December and she is in the education field. She went travelling around the world to experience the different education systems and of course, she is a travel addict as well. We have very similar attitudes towards life but she is definitely braver than me! Inevitably, the Japanese community is also a very knitted one and it might be easier for her to find Japanese people all around the world. On top of that, she probably has more friends globally than I do. If you ask me to name a friend in South America, I can give you a number immediately and that is 0. She has indeed accomplish my favourite quote, "To travel around the world, take nothing but photographs, kill nothing but time and leave nothing but footprints."
Travelling around the world for an extended period of time going to different continents is something that I have always wanted to do. However, I lack the courage to do so. Sometimes I cannot stand my own rationality. I feel insecure when I think about the security issues that I may face, especially in countries in the African continent. South America is no better and knowing a little Spanish definitely works wonder. Unfortunately, I do not. In addition, I have concerns about finances. Who will fund my insurance premiums? Who will provide monthly maintenance for my parents? I can easily provide you a list of reasons as to why I cannot travel around the world on my own. One of the most compelling reasons is the fact that I cannot stand loneliness. Whenever I travel, I always have this urge to send postcards back to my sister (if she is not with me), my brother, two of my cousins (BH and Ben) and two of my nieces. They are the people whom I would like to share the best things that I have in life with, the beautiful landscapes, the warm hospitality that I receive, the many new found perspectives, etc. If I were to just travel alone, I have no one to share such thoughts with.
Nevertheless, I see meaning in travelling by myself too. Every now and then, I do trips on my own for a week or so and honestly, I do enjoy these trips. It gives me time to reflect on myself and also learn to be more humble. The fact that you are not constantly interacting with others gives you the time and space to think about things and meet new people and consequently, pick up new perspectives on life. The fact that you are on your own in a foreign place also means that you definitely require others' help and the feeling of being powerless makes you learn to be more humble. So each time I return from travelling by myself, I feel refresh and that I can become a better person in so many different ways.
After all these blabbering, I would say that I still do not have the courage to do what the girl did and can only be envious of her accomplishments. However, going to South Africa and all the countries in South America is definitely an item on my bucket list and it is something that I hope to work hard for moving forward. So, step 1, pick up Spanish! :)
Also, JJ Lin has a song that I love because of its lyrics, "那些你很冒险的梦，我陪你去疯” So many people that I come across ask me the same question, who exactly are you waiting for in life? Why haven't you found the right guy? Times like these make me more certain of what I am waiting for. I am waiting for that one guy who dreams the dreams I dreamt, willingly takes the risks that I dare not and loves me unconditionally. I might be asking a lot but I would rather meet that one right guy than to stumble upon many wrong ones.
While in Turkey, I met this Japanese girl who travelled for 1 year 3 months around the world. She started from Southeast Asia, then to Africa, Europe, South America, North America then finally back to Japan. You must be thinking, is it like a "around the world in 395 days" thingy? Spot on! Of course she did not visit every single country in the continents that I mentioned above but to be able to cover 42 countries in a year is quite a feat, ain't it? She simply shouted out to her FB friends that she will be travelling around and whoever is able to accommodate her can just leave her a note. She also did some couch surfing to save on costs. In total, she mentioned a budget of around 20,000 USD which is not too much considering that she travelled for more than a year!
Through the stories that she shared and the pictures that I saw on her Facebook, it hit me quite hard once again. I realise that we are both quite similar in a lot of ways. She is born in December and she is in the education field. She went travelling around the world to experience the different education systems and of course, she is a travel addict as well. We have very similar attitudes towards life but she is definitely braver than me! Inevitably, the Japanese community is also a very knitted one and it might be easier for her to find Japanese people all around the world. On top of that, she probably has more friends globally than I do. If you ask me to name a friend in South America, I can give you a number immediately and that is 0. She has indeed accomplish my favourite quote, "To travel around the world, take nothing but photographs, kill nothing but time and leave nothing but footprints."
Travelling around the world for an extended period of time going to different continents is something that I have always wanted to do. However, I lack the courage to do so. Sometimes I cannot stand my own rationality. I feel insecure when I think about the security issues that I may face, especially in countries in the African continent. South America is no better and knowing a little Spanish definitely works wonder. Unfortunately, I do not. In addition, I have concerns about finances. Who will fund my insurance premiums? Who will provide monthly maintenance for my parents? I can easily provide you a list of reasons as to why I cannot travel around the world on my own. One of the most compelling reasons is the fact that I cannot stand loneliness. Whenever I travel, I always have this urge to send postcards back to my sister (if she is not with me), my brother, two of my cousins (BH and Ben) and two of my nieces. They are the people whom I would like to share the best things that I have in life with, the beautiful landscapes, the warm hospitality that I receive, the many new found perspectives, etc. If I were to just travel alone, I have no one to share such thoughts with.
Nevertheless, I see meaning in travelling by myself too. Every now and then, I do trips on my own for a week or so and honestly, I do enjoy these trips. It gives me time to reflect on myself and also learn to be more humble. The fact that you are not constantly interacting with others gives you the time and space to think about things and meet new people and consequently, pick up new perspectives on life. The fact that you are on your own in a foreign place also means that you definitely require others' help and the feeling of being powerless makes you learn to be more humble. So each time I return from travelling by myself, I feel refresh and that I can become a better person in so many different ways.
After all these blabbering, I would say that I still do not have the courage to do what the girl did and can only be envious of her accomplishments. However, going to South Africa and all the countries in South America is definitely an item on my bucket list and it is something that I hope to work hard for moving forward. So, step 1, pick up Spanish! :)
Also, JJ Lin has a song that I love because of its lyrics, "那些你很冒险的梦，我陪你去疯” So many people that I come across ask me the same question, who exactly are you waiting for in life? Why haven't you found the right guy? Times like these make me more certain of what I am waiting for. I am waiting for that one guy who dreams the dreams I dreamt, willingly takes the risks that I dare not and loves me unconditionally. I might be asking a lot but I would rather meet that one right guy than to stumble upon many wrong ones.
Monday, 13 January 2014
A long overdue trip to the Holy Land VII
Oh well, I have already finished blogging about the entire Holy Land journey. Why then do I dedicate another post to the Holy Land visit? This is all about my personal feelings and reflections and not representative of what Israelis speak about or what my role as an educator should be.
The story about Palestine and Israel. If one were to take a good look at history, it would not be difficult to see that for most of Israel's history, the Moslems had been there. The Dome of the Rock has been there since 600AD and though it was converted to a church by the crusaders, subsequent Moslem reign ensued its continuity as a religious site for the Moslems. We asked the guide about why the Jews had allowed the site to be under Palestinian rule despite them having the authority over the land and the old city. It is most likely that they do not want to wage another religious war which will hamper their rebuilding efforts. After all, they are a race that has undergone extermination and preserving their culture and population should be their utmost priority. I feel upset because if indeed, Abraham and his followers were the intended recipients of the State of Israel, why is it that they are not able to have their holy site back? That should have been where the Temple Mount would be, if not for the Romans and Moslems. I do not know if I am biased in determining my stand but I sometimes feel that the Moslems should just return Temple Mount to the Israelis. After all, Jerusalem was never mentioned in the Koran unlike Mecca or Medina. They had identified Jerusalem as the edge where the Prophet Mohammed ascended to Heaven but this was all based on rumors and hearsay. But Jerusalem was clearly recorded in the Torah for the Jews and the site means so much to them. If you take away something that does not belong to you, sooner or later you will have to return it. Why not return it out of goodwill in a nice gesture, rather than hold on to it and suffer the consequences later? However, I am in no position to judge what is right or wrong. Maybe it is not about where the holy site is but it is about do you actually hold on to faith in your heart. If you believe in the Holy Master, He lives in your heart forever and you abide by His teachings regardless of where the Holy Temple is. However, I feel that history and belief seem to speak otherwise. It seems like having Him in your heart is insufficient. You have to be aware of His presence and this divinity has His own demands that He require of His followers, perhaps to teach them a lesson in life, or to make right the wrongdoings.
Nevertheless, this episode has also taught me something about life; that imperfections are inevitable and we have to deal with them by living with them rather than constantly trying to perfect it. In the process of perfecting it, lives will be lost, people will be hurt and even if you eventually attain it, the grief that you cause will most likely outweigh any joy of becoming perfect.
For those who might not understand the meaning of Palestine and why the name, I got my information from various internet sources and understood that the Palestinians are Arabs who were refugees from the various Arab-Israeli wars. From the Israelis' perspective, they feel that such refugees should have been allowed to return to their native home i.e. various Arab nations because from their names, you can tell that they are of Arab descent either Jordanian, Syrian, Saudi Arabian, etc. However, they were denied entry or return. The Israelis are unwilling to grant them citizenship perhaps because they do not belong to Israel in the first place and it would be unfair to take in these citizens who do not belong there in the first place. From the Arabs' perspective, these refugees had left the Arab countries during the war and they should have been assimilated into the nations who had taken them in, in this case Israel. In most countries, the descendants of refugees are often granted citizenship in the country in which they seek refuge from but what about the Palestinians? They have been known as and maybe will always be known as refugees. Those in Jordan have already been assimilated into Jordan, taking on Jordanian citizenship.
This leads us to one critical question, "For whom does the State of Israel exist for?" Is it a home for only Jewish people (with Jewish blood or that their mother is a Jew because the latter is how they used to determine if someone is a Jew in olden times) or for anyone who considers themselves as a Jew or an Israeli regardless of faith? Where do Arabs or their descendants who have been living in Israel for centuries ever since the first Moslem rule stand? What about the minority groups like Druz or Christians (brought there by the Byzantines or Crusaders)?
It makes me wonder if uniformity is really of importance and is it even possible in a world today that is increasingly globalised and geographically mobile? I myself am divided over this issue. I grew up in a multi-racial society whereby Chinese, Malays, Indians and other minority races live together and call themselves as One Singapore, One Nation. I am accepting of our history as an immigrant society and find it palatable partly because I come from a majority racial group and has never experienced any sort of discrimination or inconvenience, since the majority inevitably has an advantage. However, in recent years, as immigration becomes imminent, I too experience some kind of discomfort and had wished for the status quo that we had enjoyed in the last forty years. If one is unable to adapt and wishes for uniformity, then we perhaps would slowly be hypnotized by Hilter's idea of an uniform society with a superior race.
I doubt we can ever return to ancient times when China was a place for Chinese, Europe a place for the Whites, Africa a place for blacks, Middle East a place for the Arabs, India a place for Indians, and Israel a place for the Jews. This is simply because inter-racial marriages are increasingly common, distances between nations are smaller and love transcends boundaries. Who is to say that uniformity presides over a multi-racial society or the reverse? Perhaps it is what Israel has and undergoes that makes me interested to learn more about their nation. I would want to continue to live to witness how history will be written on this Arab-Israeli conflict in the next few decades, but I do pray for it to be resolved in a peaceful manner.
If Jerusalem is the centre of Israel and Israel being the centre of the world, let it continue to enjoy peace for those living within it. #prayforthepeaceofjerusalem.
The story about Palestine and Israel. If one were to take a good look at history, it would not be difficult to see that for most of Israel's history, the Moslems had been there. The Dome of the Rock has been there since 600AD and though it was converted to a church by the crusaders, subsequent Moslem reign ensued its continuity as a religious site for the Moslems. We asked the guide about why the Jews had allowed the site to be under Palestinian rule despite them having the authority over the land and the old city. It is most likely that they do not want to wage another religious war which will hamper their rebuilding efforts. After all, they are a race that has undergone extermination and preserving their culture and population should be their utmost priority. I feel upset because if indeed, Abraham and his followers were the intended recipients of the State of Israel, why is it that they are not able to have their holy site back? That should have been where the Temple Mount would be, if not for the Romans and Moslems. I do not know if I am biased in determining my stand but I sometimes feel that the Moslems should just return Temple Mount to the Israelis. After all, Jerusalem was never mentioned in the Koran unlike Mecca or Medina. They had identified Jerusalem as the edge where the Prophet Mohammed ascended to Heaven but this was all based on rumors and hearsay. But Jerusalem was clearly recorded in the Torah for the Jews and the site means so much to them. If you take away something that does not belong to you, sooner or later you will have to return it. Why not return it out of goodwill in a nice gesture, rather than hold on to it and suffer the consequences later? However, I am in no position to judge what is right or wrong. Maybe it is not about where the holy site is but it is about do you actually hold on to faith in your heart. If you believe in the Holy Master, He lives in your heart forever and you abide by His teachings regardless of where the Holy Temple is. However, I feel that history and belief seem to speak otherwise. It seems like having Him in your heart is insufficient. You have to be aware of His presence and this divinity has His own demands that He require of His followers, perhaps to teach them a lesson in life, or to make right the wrongdoings.
Nevertheless, this episode has also taught me something about life; that imperfections are inevitable and we have to deal with them by living with them rather than constantly trying to perfect it. In the process of perfecting it, lives will be lost, people will be hurt and even if you eventually attain it, the grief that you cause will most likely outweigh any joy of becoming perfect.
For those who might not understand the meaning of Palestine and why the name, I got my information from various internet sources and understood that the Palestinians are Arabs who were refugees from the various Arab-Israeli wars. From the Israelis' perspective, they feel that such refugees should have been allowed to return to their native home i.e. various Arab nations because from their names, you can tell that they are of Arab descent either Jordanian, Syrian, Saudi Arabian, etc. However, they were denied entry or return. The Israelis are unwilling to grant them citizenship perhaps because they do not belong to Israel in the first place and it would be unfair to take in these citizens who do not belong there in the first place. From the Arabs' perspective, these refugees had left the Arab countries during the war and they should have been assimilated into the nations who had taken them in, in this case Israel. In most countries, the descendants of refugees are often granted citizenship in the country in which they seek refuge from but what about the Palestinians? They have been known as and maybe will always be known as refugees. Those in Jordan have already been assimilated into Jordan, taking on Jordanian citizenship.
This leads us to one critical question, "For whom does the State of Israel exist for?" Is it a home for only Jewish people (with Jewish blood or that their mother is a Jew because the latter is how they used to determine if someone is a Jew in olden times) or for anyone who considers themselves as a Jew or an Israeli regardless of faith? Where do Arabs or their descendants who have been living in Israel for centuries ever since the first Moslem rule stand? What about the minority groups like Druz or Christians (brought there by the Byzantines or Crusaders)?
It makes me wonder if uniformity is really of importance and is it even possible in a world today that is increasingly globalised and geographically mobile? I myself am divided over this issue. I grew up in a multi-racial society whereby Chinese, Malays, Indians and other minority races live together and call themselves as One Singapore, One Nation. I am accepting of our history as an immigrant society and find it palatable partly because I come from a majority racial group and has never experienced any sort of discrimination or inconvenience, since the majority inevitably has an advantage. However, in recent years, as immigration becomes imminent, I too experience some kind of discomfort and had wished for the status quo that we had enjoyed in the last forty years. If one is unable to adapt and wishes for uniformity, then we perhaps would slowly be hypnotized by Hilter's idea of an uniform society with a superior race.
I doubt we can ever return to ancient times when China was a place for Chinese, Europe a place for the Whites, Africa a place for blacks, Middle East a place for the Arabs, India a place for Indians, and Israel a place for the Jews. This is simply because inter-racial marriages are increasingly common, distances between nations are smaller and love transcends boundaries. Who is to say that uniformity presides over a multi-racial society or the reverse? Perhaps it is what Israel has and undergoes that makes me interested to learn more about their nation. I would want to continue to live to witness how history will be written on this Arab-Israeli conflict in the next few decades, but I do pray for it to be resolved in a peaceful manner.
If Jerusalem is the centre of Israel and Israel being the centre of the world, let it continue to enjoy peace for those living within it. #prayforthepeaceofjerusalem.
Monday, 18 March 2013
Effort, Fairness and Life
Since young, my mother has always taught me the importance of putting in effort in everything that we do and I have adopted that attitude since young. I had experienced failure at a young age and it was because of complacency and the "I think I can do it even without much effort" mentality. Since then, I have learnt the importance of taking pride in whatever that I do, being responsible and like what I previously said, always believe that there is a greater someone out there who will reward you for your effort and hardwork.
I got what I wanted academically and it did not matter to me that I put in 100% and someone else puts in 80% and we got the same result. I know that life is unfair and sometimes, some people are just that better than I do which explains why they can put in 20% less effort than I do or that lady luck is shining on him or her. Eventually, I got my FCH and I finally answered to the expectations of my own.
And so I stepped out into the working world. I avoided the corporate sector thinking that shiny knives and flying daggers were not my cup of tea. Instead, I chose something that I thought I would be rewarded fairly. I saw the results and though that made me feel a little satiated, every payday and each time the bonus is being announced, just when I thought that I was duly rewarded, some other news will pop out and I would be devastated. Of course people will always say that my job ain't about the $$ and I do not think that the satisfaction from my job can be measured in monetary terms. However, I have to admit that not getting a pay adjustment, seeing your bonus of a similar quantum with people whom seem less able and diligent, having your peers tell you that they had just gotten a promotion or a pay raise and they are more highly paid than you despite not having the same qualifications, etc. it really demoralises you. It leaves me sitting in front of my TV and my laptop in the middle of the night wondering why I should work so hard. I can never be on the side of Communism or Marxism. I hate equality!
Recently, I had just finished reading the book, Superfreakonomics. I can't help but agree with the authors of whom one is an economist. People respond to incentives and there is no such thing as altruism. I am an Economics trained person and yes, I respond to incentives. Our PM said that he will make sure that "consolation prize winners like me" will be duly paid but I don't feel that way at all! I can never be an absolute-looking person. If I were to stare at my own quantum, I should feel happy. But when I know of the quantum that others are getting, I feel like burying myself into my pillow and cry.
With such low morale clouding over me, I really do not see why I should continue in doing what I can do well in. I do not covet for huge riches or fame. I just simply wish that I can be duly rewarded for my effort and the higher authority can keep to their words but everything that I wished for never once came true.
Perhaps everything happens for a reason. I may not be rewarded in monetary terms but He blesses me with good health, safety, etc. Perhaps perhaps perhaps. I just need to vent my frustration for a moment. I just need to make myself feel better emotionally. I just need a break and a holiday to run away. I still want to stay positive. :(
I got what I wanted academically and it did not matter to me that I put in 100% and someone else puts in 80% and we got the same result. I know that life is unfair and sometimes, some people are just that better than I do which explains why they can put in 20% less effort than I do or that lady luck is shining on him or her. Eventually, I got my FCH and I finally answered to the expectations of my own.
And so I stepped out into the working world. I avoided the corporate sector thinking that shiny knives and flying daggers were not my cup of tea. Instead, I chose something that I thought I would be rewarded fairly. I saw the results and though that made me feel a little satiated, every payday and each time the bonus is being announced, just when I thought that I was duly rewarded, some other news will pop out and I would be devastated. Of course people will always say that my job ain't about the $$ and I do not think that the satisfaction from my job can be measured in monetary terms. However, I have to admit that not getting a pay adjustment, seeing your bonus of a similar quantum with people whom seem less able and diligent, having your peers tell you that they had just gotten a promotion or a pay raise and they are more highly paid than you despite not having the same qualifications, etc. it really demoralises you. It leaves me sitting in front of my TV and my laptop in the middle of the night wondering why I should work so hard. I can never be on the side of Communism or Marxism. I hate equality!
Recently, I had just finished reading the book, Superfreakonomics. I can't help but agree with the authors of whom one is an economist. People respond to incentives and there is no such thing as altruism. I am an Economics trained person and yes, I respond to incentives. Our PM said that he will make sure that "consolation prize winners like me" will be duly paid but I don't feel that way at all! I can never be an absolute-looking person. If I were to stare at my own quantum, I should feel happy. But when I know of the quantum that others are getting, I feel like burying myself into my pillow and cry.
With such low morale clouding over me, I really do not see why I should continue in doing what I can do well in. I do not covet for huge riches or fame. I just simply wish that I can be duly rewarded for my effort and the higher authority can keep to their words but everything that I wished for never once came true.
Perhaps everything happens for a reason. I may not be rewarded in monetary terms but He blesses me with good health, safety, etc. Perhaps perhaps perhaps. I just need to vent my frustration for a moment. I just need to make myself feel better emotionally. I just need a break and a holiday to run away. I still want to stay positive. :(
Saturday, 24 December 2011
The journey thus far
Unknowingly, I have been in Europe for a week and honestly, it has been a challenging yet fulfilling journey thus far. 6 months ago, I was extremely stunned when a friend of mine told me that she gave up a place in Stanford in exchange for a business opportunity. All along, I had deep admiration for her because she was leading a life that I sought. She graduated with a first class honours, toured the world, entered a top consulting firm, was given the chance to be posted to Toronto to work, and eventually saved a huge sum of money to go for graduate school in yet another top university. :) life just couldn't be better than that. However, prior to going to Stanford, she took a break from work and had some time to spend on her own. It was then that she decided that she did not want to be an employee all her life. For the past 7 years, she had been too engrossed in delivering results, academically and in her workplace. She was too caught up with all the expectations and work that she had no idea what is it that she truly wants in life until she got that break!
I guess this holiday, I feel the same way she did 6 months ago. Previously, I had mentioned that I am embarking on a travel with mixed feelings this time round. First, one of my best friends in poly had just gotten married and was embarking on a new phase in life. I truly realised that we are indeed no longer young, no longer had the youth to idle and waste our life away. Second, I will be missing Christmas with my sec sch friends! FYI, I have been spending Christmas's eve or new year's eve with them almost every single year since I was 16! Sometimes, we end up walking around and doing nothing but it was during these moments that we forged a strong bond or relationship that I sincerely and strongly believe will last till the end of our lives. Third, I'll be missing New Year's Eve with my family members! For the past 6 years, we have been holding a gift exchange party, though for the first few years we held it on Christmas's eve. In my opinion, that is the perfect way to end a year and also to start a brand new one. We have fun, we have joy, we have laughter in the house! Sometimes, we talk about our new year resolutions, we gossip, we complain, but we are TRULY happy at the end of the party! Everyone gets really tired but I am pretty sure we all go to bed with a smile plastered on our faces. Fourth, because wai needs to work on her projects, we will not be visiting switzerland together during the Xmas period. And she has limited time available for travelling so I will be spending the first half of the journey on my own!
There were simply too many of these push factors that made me ponder about my decision to go to Europe. However, the pull factors had a stronger effect on me I guess.
First, I have been wishing for a white Xmas for quite a few years. This was an opportunity and I really do not want to miss it. Furthermore, wai's studies will come to an end next June and i seriously doubt I will have time to visit her in June next year. Second, it has been 3.5 years since I last stepped foot on Europe. I really miss the place and have been reminiscing about all that has happened back then. Be it the architecture, the people, the weather, the snow, the memories. So I took the plunge and booked my tickets to Europe!
Now as I am reflecting, I am 80% sure I made the right decision. When I spend time on my own, I think a lot more. I suppose it is because i have no one to talk to and so i ask myself questions and then try to find the answers to it. However, I am absolutely sane and am not suffering from bipolar disorder or whatsoever. As I am on a holiday, I do not feel as tired as compared to when I am in Singapore whereby I literally fall asleep minutes after I lie on bed or fall asleep while I am watching the television. Thus, it was during the nights I spent in Switzerland and Poland that I realise what new dreams I have in life and what my life cycle should be like for the next 5 years. And because of me acquiring these new dreams, I feel afresh as a person and my outlook of life is more optimistic than ever. When a person has dreams, he or she finds motivation and drive to work hard.
By stepping out of my comfort zone, I mature as a person as well. I become more independent and I stretch my physical and mental limits. For e.g., my luggage tore apart and I had to make do with a duffer bag. The bag is at least 12 kg and I had to carry it together with a backpack and walked 20 minutes to the railway station. Upon arriving at Warsaw, I had to carry that same two bags and walked another 10 minutes to my hotel. Money was definitely not the reason why I had not taken a taxi instead. I just wanted myself to become stronger mentally as a person. Thus, so far my Europe trip has been a challenging but definitely fulfilling one! :)
I have 14 more days left and yes, this time round like all other trips, I dislike returning to reality but because I found a new dream that I want to fulfil, I am convinced that having reality knocking is the way for me to enter into my dreams once again! :) feels like inception suddenly! Ciaozzz.....
I guess this holiday, I feel the same way she did 6 months ago. Previously, I had mentioned that I am embarking on a travel with mixed feelings this time round. First, one of my best friends in poly had just gotten married and was embarking on a new phase in life. I truly realised that we are indeed no longer young, no longer had the youth to idle and waste our life away. Second, I will be missing Christmas with my sec sch friends! FYI, I have been spending Christmas's eve or new year's eve with them almost every single year since I was 16! Sometimes, we end up walking around and doing nothing but it was during these moments that we forged a strong bond or relationship that I sincerely and strongly believe will last till the end of our lives. Third, I'll be missing New Year's Eve with my family members! For the past 6 years, we have been holding a gift exchange party, though for the first few years we held it on Christmas's eve. In my opinion, that is the perfect way to end a year and also to start a brand new one. We have fun, we have joy, we have laughter in the house! Sometimes, we talk about our new year resolutions, we gossip, we complain, but we are TRULY happy at the end of the party! Everyone gets really tired but I am pretty sure we all go to bed with a smile plastered on our faces. Fourth, because wai needs to work on her projects, we will not be visiting switzerland together during the Xmas period. And she has limited time available for travelling so I will be spending the first half of the journey on my own!
There were simply too many of these push factors that made me ponder about my decision to go to Europe. However, the pull factors had a stronger effect on me I guess.
First, I have been wishing for a white Xmas for quite a few years. This was an opportunity and I really do not want to miss it. Furthermore, wai's studies will come to an end next June and i seriously doubt I will have time to visit her in June next year. Second, it has been 3.5 years since I last stepped foot on Europe. I really miss the place and have been reminiscing about all that has happened back then. Be it the architecture, the people, the weather, the snow, the memories. So I took the plunge and booked my tickets to Europe!
Now as I am reflecting, I am 80% sure I made the right decision. When I spend time on my own, I think a lot more. I suppose it is because i have no one to talk to and so i ask myself questions and then try to find the answers to it. However, I am absolutely sane and am not suffering from bipolar disorder or whatsoever. As I am on a holiday, I do not feel as tired as compared to when I am in Singapore whereby I literally fall asleep minutes after I lie on bed or fall asleep while I am watching the television. Thus, it was during the nights I spent in Switzerland and Poland that I realise what new dreams I have in life and what my life cycle should be like for the next 5 years. And because of me acquiring these new dreams, I feel afresh as a person and my outlook of life is more optimistic than ever. When a person has dreams, he or she finds motivation and drive to work hard.
By stepping out of my comfort zone, I mature as a person as well. I become more independent and I stretch my physical and mental limits. For e.g., my luggage tore apart and I had to make do with a duffer bag. The bag is at least 12 kg and I had to carry it together with a backpack and walked 20 minutes to the railway station. Upon arriving at Warsaw, I had to carry that same two bags and walked another 10 minutes to my hotel. Money was definitely not the reason why I had not taken a taxi instead. I just wanted myself to become stronger mentally as a person. Thus, so far my Europe trip has been a challenging but definitely fulfilling one! :)
I have 14 more days left and yes, this time round like all other trips, I dislike returning to reality but because I found a new dream that I want to fulfil, I am convinced that having reality knocking is the way for me to enter into my dreams once again! :) feels like inception suddenly! Ciaozzz.....
Friday, 6 August 2010
Stages of Life... (Part 1)
Just a random post on life...(written 2 years back; I'd forgotten to publish it...
0-4 years old:
You were most probably living the happiest stage in life where u need not study and all you did everyday was sleep, eat (drinking milk), being pampered, carried all around and play! Adults would be busy taking care of u.. playing with u... You learnt how to speak, how to crawl, how to walk and how to run.. hahhaa.. For me, life before four is something that is extremely vague thus I do not have much memories of anything..All I remembered was my enemity against pacifiers.. They make me uncomfortable.. hehe.. but i had a bad habit of wearing pampers.. hahaha... At the turn of five years old, i met "him".. Something that has a love-and-hate relationship with me.. It was something I had to rely on for the rest of my life and yet I didn't like it a single bit.. My childhood mates were of course my beloved brother and cousin.. All the dumb child's play like role-playing doctors, nurses, teachers etc... and doctor games tt we played...I kind of miss them.... Fortunately, i need not attend nursery and that saved me from an extra year of pain and agony from reading and studying...
5-6 years old:
OMG! Inauguration of SCHOOL! Afterall, it was a Christian kindergarten so things weren't that bad... I started picking up my ABC and 123 and of course, it's FUN! ... However, I lost touch with all those kindergarten friends of mine already....
Primary School!! Life still wasn't that pathetic...Kids started to go to school to learn more complicated stuff not just academically but also socially.. At this point in life, everyone is a friend to you and there wasn't any hard feelings between anyone... hehe.. Differences between the opposite sexes were never highlighted and your teachers make you hold hands with one another till primary three....I vividly remember this guy who sat next to me in class who often lacked behind others in his work.... We talked a lot a lot and I was often punished because of that.... Subsequently, we started assigning homework to each other though most of the time, he was the disciplined one who kept to his promise... I evolved to be more like a teacher to him going through his work and "correcting" them within my mental capability... Had my teaching ability been spotted back then? CLUELESS....
When I entered primary three, I was first exposed to "foreign students"... This wealthy Indonesian boy, Bobby, who was my first best male friend in primary school. Sitting behind me in the classroom, both of us could go on for hours bickering about trivial stuff.. Nevertheless, no argument ever affected our friendship... At the end of the day, both of us always made up and we would walk home together with his maid who would pick him up from school... Though the journey wasn't that long, those images stay in my memory ALWAYS...
Primary 4 followed shortly and I met friends whom I term as Best Friends, YP.LY.. I attempted lies so that I could linger in school a while longer to play but my grandmother was smart enough to see through them. However, she was kind enough not to expose me in front of my Mom. Woo! Thanks!
It was also during this stage in life that I first experienced my lifetime hobby- MAHJONG! hahaha...
Probably the worst two years in my life and in primary school as I had to transfer to a new school and adapt to a totally new lifestyle.... Everything started from 0 and within two years, PSLE appeared on the agenda...It was probably at this stage in life that I suffered my first major setback in life as i underperformed..
Needless to say, this was also a point in life when bgr crept into my life... Friends confide in you as to who they have taken a liking to.. Gossips flew all around and if you wanted it to be a secret, the best way was to not let a single person know... The more happy memory in this stage was probably the integration of mahjong into my life since I played mahjong every vacation and almost every other night at my cousin's house...Was vulgar in it as well? hahaha
To everyone, this stage in life is always memorable and unforgettable... You start to rebel against teachers, parents and anyone who tried to control or take away ur freedom! You openly challenge the teacher's authority, you start to engage in emotions like infactuation and crushes... You seek intimidation with the opposite sex... Terms like backstabbers, hypocrites became pervasive in your life... You always coined them as detestable etc... However, I cannot help but agree it is definitely this point in life that you meet your true friends in life... The people who will walked through life with you.... For me, the first two years in secondary school is what I'd term as the transition period.. I didn't have much good memories perhaps because I wasn't a competent participant in the social setting as yet..It was in secondary two when I met Karine and Debbie that I finally opened up... We hanged out at Westmall almost everyday after school and those days were really carefree....
Entry into sec 3 & 4 changed my life completely... Nominated and perhaps voted the most outspoken and talkative GIRL in class, I am not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult... hahaha.. I understood the meaning of unrequittance, the struggles especially when the opposition party is your best friend....Yet, without ignition, wounds won't hurt as much... Time heals them.
Subsequently, I met SH, one of my best pals in life... Those crazy acts in school, and the whining about the distance between our homes etc. We have always been looking forward to the day when both of us would live in the same neighbourhood so we could turn the whole neighbourhood upside down... God granted us our wishes eventually but it came too late... It's insignificant now...
Before I put a full-stop to my teenager years, I met the two most important PALS in my life-Chris.WenX. Together with SP, SIDY was established.. I would single out those days with them as the most memorable period in my teenage years... The swings, the nasi lemak, the complaints, the prefects, the macdonalds, basketball sessions, the sms-es, the phone calls, the bus rides... Everyday, there were a million things for us to lament on...
From them, I learnt one important rationale in life - Every end is also another new beginning...
Uncontained laughter, happiness was present in every single cell of mine.... When you needed help, you knew instantly who to seek, comfort was always available.. Even till years later, the bond, the telepathy that you share never disappears.... For that, I heart them.....
When you least expects it, God throws you yet another lifeline... Ta-daa~ Pigsy Ang! We were originally two planets that would never ever have clashed. Even if we did chance upon each other, we always inflicted damage on each other... Arguments never ever escaped our conversation even till the day when we were put to sit next to each other... But when two planets are forced to revolve around each other peacefully, an unexpected reaction ignites... That's why till today, he's still the one who will drive me around whenever I requested.. He's still the one who would send some chocolates to my place and tell the banglas not to remove them.....
When you realise you lack the foundation that will pave the way to your dream, you steer away.
My ambition ~~ To be a Counsellor !
17-19years old:
My experience at AL Dente was one of the most enjoyable one, meeting great friends like Jun, Nick , Jeremy & Ben... till now, we still keep in contact occasionally and I really miss them a lot a lot! haha.. U learnt abt skills tt u nv knew.. for me, italian food! hahaha.. bar!! wines!! spirits!! beers!! u see how ugly men become when they fight for promotion and pay increase!!
I moved into nightlife with Ben upon leaving EY and right there I met A, someone whom I shared an ambigious relationship with. Back then he often set me into thinking about the future, and I'm glad I met him. He made me realised what I wanted in life most, and in him, I found the courage and perseverance to set out for what I wanted most in life, to travel around the world. Without him, I doubt I will ever embark on my adventures to the different continents in the world. The exposure in ICB opened up my tiny little world, I became more receptive towards the different cultures, values, behaviour, etc.
After graduation, I went on cruise, and even got a job @ Hilton hotel working @ the front desk. Since I am so passionate about travelling, picking up the know-hows of the tourism industry is a must. It was right there where I get to interact with people of different nationalities the most. However, I was also exposed to the backstabbing world, the scandals.. etc etc.. I finally truly UNDERSTOOD the importance of education in SG. The privileged ones are always the smart ones. I see why foreigners dominate the F&B industries because Singaporeans are choosy characters when it comes to working.
0-4 years old:
You were most probably living the happiest stage in life where u need not study and all you did everyday was sleep, eat (drinking milk), being pampered, carried all around and play! Adults would be busy taking care of u.. playing with u... You learnt how to speak, how to crawl, how to walk and how to run.. hahhaa.. For me, life before four is something that is extremely vague thus I do not have much memories of anything..All I remembered was my enemity against pacifiers.. They make me uncomfortable.. hehe.. but i had a bad habit of wearing pampers.. hahaha... At the turn of five years old, i met "him".. Something that has a love-and-hate relationship with me.. It was something I had to rely on for the rest of my life and yet I didn't like it a single bit.. My childhood mates were of course my beloved brother and cousin.. All the dumb child's play like role-playing doctors, nurses, teachers etc... and doctor games tt we played...I kind of miss them.... Fortunately, i need not attend nursery and that saved me from an extra year of pain and agony from reading and studying...
5-6 years old:
OMG! Inauguration of SCHOOL! Afterall, it was a Christian kindergarten so things weren't that bad... I started picking up my ABC and 123 and of course, it's FUN! ... However, I lost touch with all those kindergarten friends of mine already....
My ambition: To be a DOCTOR~~7-10 years old:
Primary School!! Life still wasn't that pathetic...Kids started to go to school to learn more complicated stuff not just academically but also socially.. At this point in life, everyone is a friend to you and there wasn't any hard feelings between anyone... hehe.. Differences between the opposite sexes were never highlighted and your teachers make you hold hands with one another till primary three....I vividly remember this guy who sat next to me in class who often lacked behind others in his work.... We talked a lot a lot and I was often punished because of that.... Subsequently, we started assigning homework to each other though most of the time, he was the disciplined one who kept to his promise... I evolved to be more like a teacher to him going through his work and "correcting" them within my mental capability... Had my teaching ability been spotted back then? CLUELESS....
When I entered primary three, I was first exposed to "foreign students"... This wealthy Indonesian boy, Bobby, who was my first best male friend in primary school. Sitting behind me in the classroom, both of us could go on for hours bickering about trivial stuff.. Nevertheless, no argument ever affected our friendship... At the end of the day, both of us always made up and we would walk home together with his maid who would pick him up from school... Though the journey wasn't that long, those images stay in my memory ALWAYS...
Primary 4 followed shortly and I met friends whom I term as Best Friends, YP.LY.. I attempted lies so that I could linger in school a while longer to play but my grandmother was smart enough to see through them. However, she was kind enough not to expose me in front of my Mom. Woo! Thanks!
It was also during this stage in life that I first experienced my lifetime hobby- MAHJONG! hahaha...
My ambition: to be a Teacher or Lawyer~~~11-12 years old:
Probably the worst two years in my life and in primary school as I had to transfer to a new school and adapt to a totally new lifestyle.... Everything started from 0 and within two years, PSLE appeared on the agenda...It was probably at this stage in life that I suffered my first major setback in life as i underperformed..
Needless to say, this was also a point in life when bgr crept into my life... Friends confide in you as to who they have taken a liking to.. Gossips flew all around and if you wanted it to be a secret, the best way was to not let a single person know... The more happy memory in this stage was probably the integration of mahjong into my life since I played mahjong every vacation and almost every other night at my cousin's house...Was vulgar in it as well? hahaha
I am still steadfast in my ambition to be a LAWYER!13-16 years old:
To everyone, this stage in life is always memorable and unforgettable... You start to rebel against teachers, parents and anyone who tried to control or take away ur freedom! You openly challenge the teacher's authority, you start to engage in emotions like infactuation and crushes... You seek intimidation with the opposite sex... Terms like backstabbers, hypocrites became pervasive in your life... You always coined them as detestable etc... However, I cannot help but agree it is definitely this point in life that you meet your true friends in life... The people who will walked through life with you.... For me, the first two years in secondary school is what I'd term as the transition period.. I didn't have much good memories perhaps because I wasn't a competent participant in the social setting as yet..It was in secondary two when I met Karine and Debbie that I finally opened up... We hanged out at Westmall almost everyday after school and those days were really carefree....
Entry into sec 3 & 4 changed my life completely... Nominated and perhaps voted the most outspoken and talkative GIRL in class, I am not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult... hahaha.. I understood the meaning of unrequittance, the struggles especially when the opposition party is your best friend....Yet, without ignition, wounds won't hurt as much... Time heals them.
Subsequently, I met SH, one of my best pals in life... Those crazy acts in school, and the whining about the distance between our homes etc. We have always been looking forward to the day when both of us would live in the same neighbourhood so we could turn the whole neighbourhood upside down... God granted us our wishes eventually but it came too late... It's insignificant now...
Before I put a full-stop to my teenager years, I met the two most important PALS in my life-Chris.WenX. Together with SP, SIDY was established.. I would single out those days with them as the most memorable period in my teenage years... The swings, the nasi lemak, the complaints, the prefects, the macdonalds, basketball sessions, the sms-es, the phone calls, the bus rides... Everyday, there were a million things for us to lament on...
From them, I learnt one important rationale in life - Every end is also another new beginning...
Uncontained laughter, happiness was present in every single cell of mine.... When you needed help, you knew instantly who to seek, comfort was always available.. Even till years later, the bond, the telepathy that you share never disappears.... For that, I heart them.....
When you least expects it, God throws you yet another lifeline... Ta-daa~ Pigsy Ang! We were originally two planets that would never ever have clashed. Even if we did chance upon each other, we always inflicted damage on each other... Arguments never ever escaped our conversation even till the day when we were put to sit next to each other... But when two planets are forced to revolve around each other peacefully, an unexpected reaction ignites... That's why till today, he's still the one who will drive me around whenever I requested.. He's still the one who would send some chocolates to my place and tell the banglas not to remove them.....
When you realise you lack the foundation that will pave the way to your dream, you steer away.
My ambition ~~ To be a Counsellor !
17-19years old:
My experience at AL Dente was one of the most enjoyable one, meeting great friends like Jun, Nick , Jeremy & Ben... till now, we still keep in contact occasionally and I really miss them a lot a lot! haha.. U learnt abt skills tt u nv knew.. for me, italian food! hahaha.. bar!! wines!! spirits!! beers!! u see how ugly men become when they fight for promotion and pay increase!!
Ambition: Singer or Accountant/AuditorPoint in life when u start to make decisions about your own future, some may already have a partner whom they intend to spend the rest of their life.. some still single.. some attached and stuff... U experience working life if u are a Poly student and if a JC Student, u learn all about stress!! hahaha... U see more backstabbers and hypocrites.. u start to miss ur childhood! U gossip about somebody around the clock.. u stare at guys in lectures, follow them, appearing at the same canteen many times a day in the hope of seeing them.. hahaha..
For me, i met another group of close friends, Shuin dee & JANICE & Jiaying who did all the above with me.. Getting enrolled into TDP provide the environment for me to mature, learnt how to handle politics better than in sec sch, made presentations in classes and grps, peer tutor a grp of students etc etc... & this was the first time i was able to officially skip classes w/o gving any1 any excuses! Damn cool! hahhaa.. I love Jan & Omma.. cause they really brought me tons of laughter and taught me different lessons in life, different from those that SIDY & SH & Deb did.! I learnt first hand auditing experience too @ EY.. i will always be grateful to AG for showing me the ropes back then, for being a mentor, a friend, a confidant, and a BOSS...
I moved into nightlife with Ben upon leaving EY and right there I met A, someone whom I shared an ambigious relationship with. Back then he often set me into thinking about the future, and I'm glad I met him. He made me realised what I wanted in life most, and in him, I found the courage and perseverance to set out for what I wanted most in life, to travel around the world. Without him, I doubt I will ever embark on my adventures to the different continents in the world. The exposure in ICB opened up my tiny little world, I became more receptive towards the different cultures, values, behaviour, etc.
In the last lap of my polytechnic education, I met another 2 good friends, Allan & Shuren. Two young, smart, and, promising lads who will some day in the future become our future leaders. The long and gruelling nights of current affair discussions, preparing for our scholarship interviews, psychometric tests, etc. always seem less tiring with their accompany. Finally, before I knew it, it was time for me to graduate from the Polytechnic and i dreaded it because it meant that everything was reset and I had to start all over again as a fresh undergraduate! Haizz....
After graduation, I went on cruise, and even got a job @ Hilton hotel working @ the front desk. Since I am so passionate about travelling, picking up the know-hows of the tourism industry is a must. It was right there where I get to interact with people of different nationalities the most. However, I was also exposed to the backstabbing world, the scandals.. etc etc.. I finally truly UNDERSTOOD the importance of education in SG. The privileged ones are always the smart ones. I see why foreigners dominate the F&B industries because Singaporeans are choosy characters when it comes to working.
Then I had to face one of the toughest decision in my life: Scholarship or SIA?
Ambition : Air-stewardess or Teacher/Lecturer?20-23 years old:
And so I chose knowledge over glam, and I have to salute myself for making this wise choice. Come to think of it now, it shouldn't have been that hard a decision. I've to admit that studying in NUS is not as easy as what others perceive it. The rolling tons of coursework, competition, assignments, exams that you are have to deal with will easily turn a sane person insane anytime. Without the right balance in life, leisure activities, friends who show support, one will easily sink into depression. Of course, that's only if you wish to ace your exams and emerge as a top class honours graduate. If you are just aiming for a pass, it's as easy as ABC. Just show up for your tutorials, put in the minimal effort and you will be guaranteed a 'C' every semester for every module.
Joseph & Sharon; my first few friends in NUS who walked through the tortuous year 1 phase, me laughing @ their lame jokes while they laugh @ my laughter and poise because I burst into tears too easily while laughing. If you have ever been alone in a social setting, you will understand how much of a comfort it is to have someone sitting beside you during lectures, in tutorials, planning modules, etc.
Pauline, Rachel, HuiYun: I wasn't too receptive towards Pauline when I first met her because she was very quiet and looked like the studious type who was only interested in studying. So despite taking 2 modules tog with her, Calculus & Econs with her, we only attended school together and parted ways after classes. But never in my imagination would she become my best friend in NUS, who tolled through the first 3 years of school. Lunches, Dinners, takeaways in LTs, and eventually gatherings outside school with Rachel, Huiyun to the Botanic Gardens, Waraku, etc.
And I'm kind of tired..... Shall continue with it some other day about the interesting characters I met in my life..
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
Sorry but you don't belong here.
This feeling constantly bugs me. That I am simply a girl who is born in the wrong country. Seng told me the same thing 3 weeks back and I was taken aback when he told me that. Now, I am CERTAIN that he is ABSOLUTELY right!
The reasons behind the bug could be attributed to the environment that I am in, the people whom I interact with, the values that I uphold or the belief that is firmly rooted in me, etc.
I like to stand up against unjust, like to fight for my own rights, believe in being truthful to myself and to others, respect privacy and expect others to respect my privacy as well, love freedom, believe in human rights not hierarchies, hate to compete with others, love doing things at my own pace, blah blah blah...
Yet when I look around at the people in my social circle everyday,
they lie whether for the good or for the bad,
intrude other people's privacy,
overtly coward towards standing out and up for themselves,
rather take it lying than to oppose,
willingly be succumb to authority, ranks, and hierarchies,
comply than to question,
compete just because they are afraid of losing to some others,
critical and stingy with praises,
scold and reject without providing alternatives or guidance,
Just what is wrong with this world and the system that is meant to teach us all to become all-rounded individuals?
The past one week I've been so swarmed with the project work drafts. I volunteer to help those students not because I think that they are stupid and immature to come up with any brilliant ideas. Rather, I simply just can't sit and watch them suffer and endure the constant rejection and scoldings from someone who doesn't provide them with alternatives! So much so for getting the students to work on alternatives when the educator herself is incapable of doing so.
In all 23 years of my life, I have always been a critical person. And I think this critical side of me is attributed to my idiosyncratic desire to want things in life to be perfect, or at least near to perfect. However, with age comes wisdom and I slowly learn to appreciate that imperfections can beautify your life. That was when I started to appreciate the little things in my life that are imperfect in my opinion but perfect to some others. I should be less critical and more generous with praises because we all need constant motivation and assurances to excel in life.
So last night, I finally couldn't take it and voiced out my opinions. I reckon that if someone does not know how to respect others, then he or she doesn't deserve even the basic respect that comes with her role or status. In terms of IP, I have yet to witness how brilliant or solid her content knowledge is. Where building rapport with students is concerned, she is a complete failure. Evaluating her professionalism and code of conduct, the person who grades her really needs to refresh her memory of what the two entail.
After entering university and having worked in the corporate world for so long, I thought I have learnt how to keep my emotions in check. God knows I was totally wrong. I am still the me who loves to voice out and speak up when I feel things ought to be better managed. The weirdest thing is they are still issues that do not concern me i.e. I am not standing up for myself but for those who are naturally less strong and more dependent on others. WTH is wrong with myself? I just cannot tolerate such nonsense and watch the people whom I care for being subjected to such mental tortures and sufferance!
But of course, I have always reiterated that I only help those who show me that they wish to help themselves. Students who come running towards me at the very last minute, hugging the buddha leg and request for help. Hello! I am a human being, not BUDDHA! Plus, generating ideas is not an easy task to begin with. There are a handful who directly or indirectly request for my help to think of strategies! Hello! It's your work, not mine! If you are lazy, then you should live with your own laziness and poor grades and be contented with it. If I tell you it wouldn't work, then go back and squeeze all your brain juice dry and think! Ask your grandparents, parents, siblings, relatives, or whoever is available for opinions. Don't come back to me with the same piece of work and expect me to give you comments. What comments do you exactly want?!
Honestly, I need to reflect on how I can better manage my own emotions when dealing with other people's problems or towards people whom I dislike deep down from the bottom of my heart.! Lol!
Like plants that require a particular type of soil to bud, animals who need the right habitat to survive i.e. freshwater, seawater, I need the right environment to thrive. And this environment and culture is definitely not the right one. It impedes my development and growth. :(
Do you know what's worth fighting forWhen it's not worth dying for..For what's worth trying for is worth fighting for....
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
Self? Or shell?
These days, I get asked a lot of intellectual questions and I'm loving it I think! :))
I realise that I really dislike people who act in disguise of someone else or pretend to be knowledgeable about something when they don't.
In particular, I especially have a distaste for girls who pretend they know football when all they know is David beckham or Cristiano Ronaldo, ManU, Chelsea or Liverpool. To make things worst, they will squeeze all their brain juice dry when they try to create topics out of their self perceived 'i think I know football' knowledge!
What that irks me the most is they attempt to get the best seat available when a big match is on then act as though they really care about the outcome of the match! I've experienced this far too often that I am starting to get perturbed by the behaviour of such beings!
It's not my stereotype that girls know nothing about football because I do know a few girls who really UNDERSTAND football. Rather, when compared to girls, boys who don't know football will not try too hard to please. They'll simply walk away or shut off when the whole debate about football is put up for discussion. At least, that is less irritating than when someone pretends to know...
If you are really interested to know about football, then at least do your homework and find out more before you start blabbering your nonsensical 'itikf' topics...!
Kel and I were hosting our friend from Japan last week and we went to East Coast for seafood. At the restaurant, we met some japanese girls and I'm really impressed by the fact that they can speak in such a demure tone at all times everywhere! I think that's non-pretentious! However, in sg at times, when I see sg girls trying to imitate it, speaking in this 'oh I'm so excited and amused' tone, and I know some of these girls so well that they definitely do not speak in such a manner at 'normal' times, I honestly feel like giving them a tight slap! Why can't you just be yourself?
I know guys actually love being indulged In conversations with girls who speak in this manner which helps to rationalize why some girls behave in this manner. They are just trying to get all the attention possible.
I may get lesser attention when I don't follow the norm. I may be disadvantaged when it comes to receiving assistance from guys and have to do more at certain times but i'm even more glad I'm in no way a girl like above../:))
I realise that I really dislike people who act in disguise of someone else or pretend to be knowledgeable about something when they don't.
In particular, I especially have a distaste for girls who pretend they know football when all they know is David beckham or Cristiano Ronaldo, ManU, Chelsea or Liverpool. To make things worst, they will squeeze all their brain juice dry when they try to create topics out of their self perceived 'i think I know football' knowledge!
What that irks me the most is they attempt to get the best seat available when a big match is on then act as though they really care about the outcome of the match! I've experienced this far too often that I am starting to get perturbed by the behaviour of such beings!
It's not my stereotype that girls know nothing about football because I do know a few girls who really UNDERSTAND football. Rather, when compared to girls, boys who don't know football will not try too hard to please. They'll simply walk away or shut off when the whole debate about football is put up for discussion. At least, that is less irritating than when someone pretends to know...
If you are really interested to know about football, then at least do your homework and find out more before you start blabbering your nonsensical 'itikf' topics...!
Kel and I were hosting our friend from Japan last week and we went to East Coast for seafood. At the restaurant, we met some japanese girls and I'm really impressed by the fact that they can speak in such a demure tone at all times everywhere! I think that's non-pretentious! However, in sg at times, when I see sg girls trying to imitate it, speaking in this 'oh I'm so excited and amused' tone, and I know some of these girls so well that they definitely do not speak in such a manner at 'normal' times, I honestly feel like giving them a tight slap! Why can't you just be yourself?
I know guys actually love being indulged In conversations with girls who speak in this manner which helps to rationalize why some girls behave in this manner. They are just trying to get all the attention possible.
I may get lesser attention when I don't follow the norm. I may be disadvantaged when it comes to receiving assistance from guys and have to do more at certain times but i'm even more glad I'm in no way a girl like above../:))
Monday, 25 January 2010
If only I were.......
At times I really wonder......
If only I were a professional sports player.....
I guess I am someone who is very inclined towards freedom, regardless of freedom of speech, freedom of rights, freedom of diet, blah blah blah... In return, you get freedom to do what you love most professionally. On top of that, I adore the power and responsibility that accompany the profession of a professional sports player.!
Just look at people like Roger Federer and Cristiano Ronaldo. They are doing so much for the world, for their country, for their families, for Africa, for the poor, for the under-privileged, etc. These are things that I would really like to accomplish in life but I guess it ain't easy and hitherto, I am not empowered to do these things yet or at least heading in that direction.
Cristiano can bring much pride and glory to his country and family, a comfortable life for his family, much entertainment to the soccer fanatics worldwide, much inspiration to kids who aspire to be as good a soccer player as him, much happiness to the underprivileged kids whenever he visits them, much revenue and sales to the various products he endorses, much donations and money to help the poor and Africa, and most importantly, much sense of satisfaction for himself.
Likewise, Federer does the same. He has done so much for the tennis scene, creating milestones after milestones, helping the victims in Haiti, encouraging the many out there to pick up tennis as a sport, doing his country and parents proud, blah blah blah.
If I were to become a professional sports player, YES I will lose all of the freedom which I currently enjoy. Furthermore, I am someone who lacks discipline. Even basic stuff like getting my hair properly dyed for school is more trying than scoring an A for an examination. However, I get empowered to do the many things that I have listed above. The trade-offs are only fair and just. Nothing beats being able to play the one and only sport which is the love of your life. At least for me, someone who sees sports as one's life's work.
It is not as though I will not be able to do these things unless I become a professional sports person. However, being a sports person is just so COOL and EXTRAORDINARY. Your capacity to do something is entirely different from a normal OL or a CFO or even a CEO. I don't exactly enjoy sitting in the office bossing people around. It sounds extremely boring to me at least.
Perhaps the high utility I attach to sports could be due to my failure to fulfill my dream of playing a sports competitively for at least once in my life. Somehow they always end up in flames.
And so what if I am an EDUCATOR of LIFE and MORALS and ECONOMICS now? I feel so inadequate in terms of completing the tasks that have been on my checklist since time immemorial, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel that will enable me to successfully cross out the various items. I need to find the strength to convince myself to continue this journey of life.
Saturday, 8 August 2009
Reminders
Recently, there have been too many happenings and events around me and triggered me to think about my existence so far and of course my life and the future.
First and foremost, the special sem gave me new insights into a friendship I once had. When you are far away in a foreign land and out of your comfort zone, you seek solace in friendships and of course your peers. However, upon landing safely i.e. returning back to your comfort zone, more often than not, you see yourself neglecting people or friends who had once lent a helping hand. But I was reminded of it during the special sem.
Then, one of my friends went on the Work & Travel USA programme to Yellowstone during Summer this year. I should have embarked on it if not for my own indecisiveness and the special semester. Now that she's back, I see that she really misses Yellowstone a lot still. She wrote an extremely emotional post about how badly she miss the people, the work etc in YS. I can relate to what and how she's feeling completely because I was once in that phase of my life a year ago. However, home is home and you do not need that much amount of time to adapt back to the Singaporean lifestyle. I wish her luck. :) Seeing her post reminds me of the times in Stockholm. It made me feel like I didn't treasure the days there well enough. Those were so precious memories that are gonna stick with me for life. Be it the good and sweet ones or the bleak ones (though they were limited in numbers), I treasure every single person who had played a part in shaping them. :)
Also, much fateful events had happened at home too and that made me pondered about life and what holds in the near future. Sometimes, we show too little tolerance for the people around us, take for granted the little things that they do for us, thinking that they will always be around to share a joke, have a meal or sing along. Only when disaster strike do we get jolt out of complacency and start to dwell deeper.
Recently, the feeling of having gotten lost in this journey of life has been haunting me. I seek and search aimlessly for fame, wealth and status. I've been blinded by my pride and the riches around me. Linky said by traveling with the income I earned, I turn myself from being cash-rich to experience-rich. That made me more determined and to a certain extent justify and convince myself that I should earn more and travel more.
I forgot how it was like to call my Best Buddies or pals to chat and see how they were getting along with life. The most common answer I gave to assure myself was:"They are strong and independent and will be fine."
I rather waste my precious time playing "typing maniac" or "spot the difference" or "pet society" and tried to fight for the top spot rather than get down to real business like reading up for my thesis. To justify my own actions, I said "All work and no play makes Jill a dull girl." But I'm no Jill and working non-stop with no play is justifiable in this case because I learnt much more from reading up the thesis than playing any of the above games.
I always spot someone's weaknesses rather than their strengths though I do not openly criticise anyone. Where was the praise and love that everyone needed to keep them having the faith in themselves? If needed, I definitely contribute little. :(
And now I question myself? I seem to have been lost about what I really want in life. Wasn't I so bent on all my dreams and ambitions and fulfilling all the prophecies?
This phase in my life is one that holds deeper implications. It made me ponder if life is all about being able to shop and buy all your favourite clothes and accessories? It made me contemplate life idling away, like what Benja terms as "having a life" equating to doing the things that you like - eat, sleep, play bball, watch movie and hang out with friends. It made me mull over the fact that I lost myself, that I broke a promise I once made to someone that I will never lose the innocence in me and be blinded by the pragmatism and cruelty of reality. However, dwelling on these life issues also knock sense into me as to how shallow others around me can be when all they think about are some meager issues in life yet their shallowness could also be attributed to the fact that they are trying to escape from certain stress or unhappiness or the feeling of emptiness in them.
I hate my life to be revolving around lies but I have become such a proficient liar myself in the process and contradict myself for hating liars, especially those who lie to me, yet even I myself failed to keep the simplest promise..
Adversity and the hurdles now made me face the real me living in my heart and soul and I know in time to come, I will shed my protective layer and emerge as a beautiful butterfly.... :)
First and foremost, the special sem gave me new insights into a friendship I once had. When you are far away in a foreign land and out of your comfort zone, you seek solace in friendships and of course your peers. However, upon landing safely i.e. returning back to your comfort zone, more often than not, you see yourself neglecting people or friends who had once lent a helping hand. But I was reminded of it during the special sem.
Then, one of my friends went on the Work & Travel USA programme to Yellowstone during Summer this year. I should have embarked on it if not for my own indecisiveness and the special semester. Now that she's back, I see that she really misses Yellowstone a lot still. She wrote an extremely emotional post about how badly she miss the people, the work etc in YS. I can relate to what and how she's feeling completely because I was once in that phase of my life a year ago. However, home is home and you do not need that much amount of time to adapt back to the Singaporean lifestyle. I wish her luck. :) Seeing her post reminds me of the times in Stockholm. It made me feel like I didn't treasure the days there well enough. Those were so precious memories that are gonna stick with me for life. Be it the good and sweet ones or the bleak ones (though they were limited in numbers), I treasure every single person who had played a part in shaping them. :)
Also, much fateful events had happened at home too and that made me pondered about life and what holds in the near future. Sometimes, we show too little tolerance for the people around us, take for granted the little things that they do for us, thinking that they will always be around to share a joke, have a meal or sing along. Only when disaster strike do we get jolt out of complacency and start to dwell deeper.
Recently, the feeling of having gotten lost in this journey of life has been haunting me. I seek and search aimlessly for fame, wealth and status. I've been blinded by my pride and the riches around me. Linky said by traveling with the income I earned, I turn myself from being cash-rich to experience-rich. That made me more determined and to a certain extent justify and convince myself that I should earn more and travel more.
I forgot how it was like to call my Best Buddies or pals to chat and see how they were getting along with life. The most common answer I gave to assure myself was:"They are strong and independent and will be fine."
I rather waste my precious time playing "typing maniac" or "spot the difference" or "pet society" and tried to fight for the top spot rather than get down to real business like reading up for my thesis. To justify my own actions, I said "All work and no play makes Jill a dull girl." But I'm no Jill and working non-stop with no play is justifiable in this case because I learnt much more from reading up the thesis than playing any of the above games.
I always spot someone's weaknesses rather than their strengths though I do not openly criticise anyone. Where was the praise and love that everyone needed to keep them having the faith in themselves? If needed, I definitely contribute little. :(
And now I question myself? I seem to have been lost about what I really want in life. Wasn't I so bent on all my dreams and ambitions and fulfilling all the prophecies?
This phase in my life is one that holds deeper implications. It made me ponder if life is all about being able to shop and buy all your favourite clothes and accessories? It made me contemplate life idling away, like what Benja terms as "having a life" equating to doing the things that you like - eat, sleep, play bball, watch movie and hang out with friends. It made me mull over the fact that I lost myself, that I broke a promise I once made to someone that I will never lose the innocence in me and be blinded by the pragmatism and cruelty of reality. However, dwelling on these life issues also knock sense into me as to how shallow others around me can be when all they think about are some meager issues in life yet their shallowness could also be attributed to the fact that they are trying to escape from certain stress or unhappiness or the feeling of emptiness in them.
I hate my life to be revolving around lies but I have become such a proficient liar myself in the process and contradict myself for hating liars, especially those who lie to me, yet even I myself failed to keep the simplest promise..
Adversity and the hurdles now made me face the real me living in my heart and soul and I know in time to come, I will shed my protective layer and emerge as a beautiful butterfly.... :)
Friday, 31 July 2009
A special semester in exchange for a special friend...
Special Semester has finally ended and I would say it ended with a bang, despite me being squeezed dried towards the last two weeks with the term paper, tutorial presentation and group project and website to do...
Honestly, I wasn't that into Special Sem initially and was so bent on leaving for Canada for summer exchange. However, the H1n1 virus turned things around and I even have to give up my US trip for a virus now widespread like COMMON FLU.. :(
Though we didn't spend a lot of time together since both of us always skipped lectures and only attended tutorials, I am glad we went for Special Semester together. :) A year and a half ago, when both of us left darling Singapore to beloved Stockholm, the bond between us was unusually and exceptionally tightly-wounded, like friends who have known each other for decades. Yet, when you spent too much time together despite knowing each other for only weeks or months, conflicts arise, friction results and I think we kind of gave up trying to maintain the friendship towards the end of the exchange. Misunderstandings arose, communication was impeded etc.
Now, a year after our exchange and with our lives back to what it was before the exchange, the memories still linger in us I guess. The unanticipated flings, crushes and parties, the people and friends etc....
I was taught an important lesson in these six weeks, to reflect on my life, to think of what I've been through the last 3 years in NUS and how I've lost myself along the way. Hardly could I recall myself being truthful to the people whom I met in NUS. Not being truthful does not equate to telling lies but it definitely involves certain white lies, my need for privacy, my need to survive, my need to meet the expectations etc. I am not trying excuse myself for the lies spoken, for the damage caused, for the responsibility of letting happiness elude me...
I realise that it was me who had let my emotions control my logic, let jealousy won me over, allow anger to triumph and the devil to leech on me. After all, having attracting the supposed attention for several years, it was hard having to grapple with the sudden loss. But the past two days have made me realised that perhaps they ain't that pivotal. God has shown it is time that I take the back seat and let the deserving ones take the front stage.
This special semester has taken a toll on my lifestyle, on my habits, on my stress level but it has definitely won me much more. The unearthing of a fresh perspective of life, of myself and the people around me is way more precious, all thanks to a casual chat in a tutorial some day in the middle of a discussion, over a few lunches of subway and a mugging session in the library.
Thanks, KIM! You've been truly awesome as a friend.... :)
I am reminded of a best friend I once had years ago but the last time we spoke was 2 years ago?!
Honestly, I wasn't that into Special Sem initially and was so bent on leaving for Canada for summer exchange. However, the H1n1 virus turned things around and I even have to give up my US trip for a virus now widespread like COMMON FLU.. :(
Though we didn't spend a lot of time together since both of us always skipped lectures and only attended tutorials, I am glad we went for Special Semester together. :) A year and a half ago, when both of us left darling Singapore to beloved Stockholm, the bond between us was unusually and exceptionally tightly-wounded, like friends who have known each other for decades. Yet, when you spent too much time together despite knowing each other for only weeks or months, conflicts arise, friction results and I think we kind of gave up trying to maintain the friendship towards the end of the exchange. Misunderstandings arose, communication was impeded etc.
Now, a year after our exchange and with our lives back to what it was before the exchange, the memories still linger in us I guess. The unanticipated flings, crushes and parties, the people and friends etc....
I was taught an important lesson in these six weeks, to reflect on my life, to think of what I've been through the last 3 years in NUS and how I've lost myself along the way. Hardly could I recall myself being truthful to the people whom I met in NUS. Not being truthful does not equate to telling lies but it definitely involves certain white lies, my need for privacy, my need to survive, my need to meet the expectations etc. I am not trying excuse myself for the lies spoken, for the damage caused, for the responsibility of letting happiness elude me...
I realise that it was me who had let my emotions control my logic, let jealousy won me over, allow anger to triumph and the devil to leech on me. After all, having attracting the supposed attention for several years, it was hard having to grapple with the sudden loss. But the past two days have made me realised that perhaps they ain't that pivotal. God has shown it is time that I take the back seat and let the deserving ones take the front stage.
This special semester has taken a toll on my lifestyle, on my habits, on my stress level but it has definitely won me much more. The unearthing of a fresh perspective of life, of myself and the people around me is way more precious, all thanks to a casual chat in a tutorial some day in the middle of a discussion, over a few lunches of subway and a mugging session in the library.
Thanks, KIM! You've been truly awesome as a friend.... :)
I am reminded of a best friend I once had years ago but the last time we spoke was 2 years ago?!
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
This invited whelming response.
Ginnelle took What Is Your Future Job
Footballer
You will be a footballer.
You will earn £60,000 a week.
You will play for your dream club.
You will never get married but have a fit girlfriend.
You will have loads of kids (accidently).
You will die young because of your alchohol abuse.
*I wished* I guess it's the picture that suits me! :)