It is the least expected that this is actually the last post of the thread of '31 things to say for a month'. However, I have re-numbered it to "Day 29" for sentimental sake that my brother is born on the 29th of a month. It is not a very usual day of the month since 29, like 11th (my birthday) are prime numbers! :)
It is a coincidence that this happens to be the last post because I am someone who loves leaving the best to the last. My brother has been a very important person in my life in the last 20 odd years and no amount of words can express my love, concern and gratitude for his existence in my life. Together with my cousin and my sister, they are my trusted aides, my pillars of support whenever I feel down and the people whom I will make sacrifices for just so they can lead a long and happy life!
There is just so much that I can write about when I reminisce our childhood days together with my brother so I seek your patience in reading and my own perseverance to not be shoddy in blogging, considering that it is now 2.41 a.m. (I am trying to adjust to London time, lol.)
The things that we did together as kids:
My brother and cousin were born a year apart so when they started attending Kindergarten together, I often watched in envy. I was enthusiastic about going to school as well, for whatever reason, I do not know. My turn came eventually but by then, they had both moved to Primary School. We were childhood playmates, did loads of silly things such as role-playing different occupations from being a teacher to a doctor, setting up amusement parks, etc. We love going to the playground to play with the slides, see-saws and swings but grandma was not always keen to let us step out of the house. So we often came up with lame excuses such as, "Oh we need to buy a pen or pencil for school" or "We needed to pass our friend homework" just so we could all go out. We would then go to the 'mama shop' to buy sweets, 3 for 10cents, or ice stick that costs 5cents each.
When we were in Primary school, brother, cousin, and I used to walk to school together until my cousin eventually moved out of grandma's house and had to transfer school. My brother was already much older then and after my cousin left, he also started to have friends who walked to school together with us. He often walked side by side with his friends but would ask me to walk in front of them so I was still within his sight. I kinda dislike it because I wanted to walk beside them but the road was just not wide enough. LOL. Material comfort hardly existed but those were the most carefree days of our lives.
Subsequently, we moved out of our grandma's house too and my brother entered his teenage years while I was still a Primary School kid. Our lives were less intertwined during that stage because my brother spent most of his time playing soccer at the void deck while I was constantly running after other kids at the playground, playing "catching". Our only common hobby was to listen to the Radio Station whenever we came back from school and before we headed out to play. We would engage in a duel to guess the singer and song title of the next song that was being played on the FM. Brother always beat me in the game because my short-term memory is near to non-existence and it was only at a much older age that I come to realise. LOL. It was simple things like these that made us happy, really happy.
Lessons as youths:
My brother was never a harsh person who reprimanded me. He knew I was a very strong-willed girl and there were countless occasions when we nearly tore the house apart after we both refused to give in. Nevertheless, he would often share with me lessons in life and in my memory, the one very important value in life that he taught me stems from this saying, "Every little thing you do shapes up your character." I must say that this saying has had the greatest influence on my life. In my younger days, my temper was short, my attitude wasn't the best most of the time and I can be pretty obstinate. I focused on my bigger goals in life and I express my emotions freely, never trying hard enough to contain my anger. However, my brother taught me that I could be a much better person if I work on the small little things in life that could affect me greatly in the future. This saying constantly rang in my mind whenever I felt like letting my emotions loose be it on small or big matters, procrastinating on my work, handling my relationship with my mom and my sis, etc. I started to pay attention to the "little things" in my life - the way I communicate with others, my values in life, and that helped me improve my interpersonal skills greatly. He might not have the slightest idea that this conversation that he had with me had influenced my life so much.
My brother was also someone who placed the family's interests above all else. On contrary, I must admit that I am someone who places my dreams above all else. I wouldn't say I do not love my family but I was like any other teenager who prioritise my friends over my family. My family members never interfered in the things that I want to do, giving me the freedom to pursue my dreams and interests, often accommodating me. When my siblings and I get into an argument, they often commented that I was a very demanding person and they always had to accommodate me. For example, when I was mugging in the room for my exams and they were to engage in a conversation in front of me, I would hush them and chase them out, citing that they were disrupting my revision. Sometimes, I know that they merely wanted to engage me in conversation after seeing me burying myself in the books for the entire day. However, I was so focused that I did not want any disturbances. This perfectionist mindset is often a double-edged sword - it propelled me forward to accomplish the things I set out to do but it also meant that my siblings were often the ones who gave in to my whims and fancies. It was when I accomplished my goals in life and I looked back that I realised that they had always been behind me and without their muted sacrifices, I might not have gone as far. Fortunately, I am not an ungrateful person and I willingly share the fruits of my success with them these days.
Looking to the future:
I have to say that I have had a more smooth-sailing life journey compared to my brother. He has more to shoulder in life as a man and as the eldest of the family, he does not have a role model to follow. Although we meet once a week nowadays, we do not engage in deep conversations about our lives unlike in the past. He is in this transition phase in his life and he really needs to persevere in order to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
We are both Sagittarius and our personalities are quite aligned. We grew up in the same environment, faced similar constraints but our lives have turned out very differently at this point in time. I hate to say this but I feel that I have led a much happier life than he has. I am constantly doing the one thing that I enjoy in life i.e. travelling and each time I step into a new city, experience a new lifestyle and meet different people, I think of my brother. I want to share with him these wonderful experiences and adventures on my escapes so that he can be happy like I am. I think he loves traveling as well, maybe not as much as I do but still, I am sure he will feel that happiness of being free.
In the last 5 years or so, there were times when I get very frustrated with him over his decision making and the way he is handling his life. But my frustration all stem from one root cause - that he is not being decisive and determined in his pursuits which is causing him so much unhappiness. No matter how hard I try to talk sense into him, share with him lessons in life and offer solutions, I have not helped my brother become a happier person. Along the way, I realised that I might be wrong in my judgments because I am not him and what makes me happy may not apply to him. So I can only tell myself that I have to be patient and generous with words of encouragement. Deep down in my heart, I have always been thankful that he helped made me a better person and I feel happy about myself and my life because I am leading the life that I want. In return, I also hope that he can be happy!
As I step out of my comfort zone once again to pursue my dreams like I did 8 years ago, I hope something drastic can change my brother's life again just like it did back then. I have seen too many unhappy people all my life and I know that it all stems from their own insecurities in life. If I could transfer some of his unhappiness to myself, I would gladly do so but I know I cannot. He only has himself to depend on to overcome his own fears and insecurities, change his outlook on life and steer himself back on course to live a long and happy life.
For teaching me the importance of "Every little thing that you do shapes up your character", I would like to return the favour by these two quotes:
"Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it is stormy now doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine."
"Happiness is not something readymade, it comes from your OWN actions."
I wish my brother health and happiness!
No comments:
Post a Comment