Roller coaster emotions

Life is just this unpredictable. I was feeling all good when I arrived in NYC, and reported to work at the UN on my second day in NYC. After work, I walked to Times Square and that very moment, I felt that I was on top of the world and that I have not lived in vain. The very next day, I was told that I could not apply for a P-level job in the UN within the 6 months after my internship and my heart sank. I came back home, and all that I wanted to do was to sleep. I woke up the next day, looked through some SNS and once again questioned myself, "What the hell am I doing?" Why ain't I in Cambridge or LSE and maybe now I would feel good about myself.

I really do not know if I had made the right decision to come here and do all of these. For a moment, I miss a particular place so much and want to be transported there immediately. Then I realise, life goes on and instead of feeling all negative and pity for myself, I should start working for my next step again.

Setting Sail Once Again

As I am writing this, I am on my way to New York, commonly known as the Big Apple. I never expected myself to do this, go on an unpaid internship and in a foreign place far away from home. 

I did not have such uncertainties or anxiety when I left for the UK a year ago because I was going to Europe, a place which I know at my fingertips. Be it the culture, language, places, etc. Now, I am completely foreign to NY and not know what to expect. I have to start work a day immediately after I arrive and I do not know how I can adapt to life in NY. 

I was hesitant about going on this internship initially because of financing reasons for I have to burn another huge part of my savings to pay for rent and living expenses. However, it is the UN! 

I have always dreamt of working for an international organisation, be involved in work that can have a global impact etc. so I simply cannot give up this chance. There is no guarantee that I would be employed eventually but this is a risk that I am taking and I hope it is an investment that can reap returns. 

As I sit on the plane and write this, a lot of thoughts flashed through my mind. First, I thank God for giving me so many different life experiences to empower me to pluck up my courage to set sail. I have been adapting to change constantly my entire life and this is not any different. Although the outcome may be positive or negative, for if I do not find a job in NY eventually, I will go home broke and stressed over my next step in life. However, at least I have had the opportunity to work in one of largest organisations in the world. Life has always been smooth-sailing for me and I have been very blessed, that I cannot or should not ask for more. 

Second, I have my family and friends to thank for this. First, Yee Leen for introducing me her friend, Alina, for she will be such a big help in terms of helping me to settle down in the city asap. Besides, YL has always been my listening ear, someone whom I pour all my sorrows and grouses to. Though we chat less these days, I always appreciate her presence and her friendship. She is very positive and always takes setbacks in her stride. I like her motto, “Complain less and do more”. Second, my lil sister who sees my dreams and encourages me to pursue them. I know that my departure will once again leave a void in the family and it is selfish of me to leave my parents behind and my sis to deal with them. Their support to me is something that I can only be grateful towards eternally. Like I told Bro, if you love someone, do not clip their wings and stop them from scaling to greater heights in life. The conversation that we had hours ago before I took flight once again left me something to ponder on. I told Bro that I will feel like a big fish in a small pond if I were to stay in Singapore but now I am probably gonna be the smallest big fish in the big pond. It hit me hard when I said this, was I too self-conceited? I have confidence in my own working capabilities though I may not be the smartest person on earth or not even the top 10% in Singapore. However, I believe in my own attitude; perseverance and positivity which will tide me through even the darkest hours of my life. I hope to make them proud when I eventually return home after 3 months. The most important takeaway from that conversation for me was “humility”. I am starting from ground zero and I have to be patient and humble to pick up the ropes and keep an open mind. 

Third, NM! 😃 I do not know why but he gave me so much strength during my time in Serbia. Everything that he told me about himself, life, politics, the world, and me made me so determined that I cannot tiptoe through life. It would be wonderful if I were to stay in Singapore, continue my teaching career and tuition as a side business. My family will be happy since they want me to be around and I will have all the money in the world to travel. However, that thought does not strike a chord in me. I will not feel accomplished the day that I close my eyes, at least that is what I think. This is my last leap into the unknown because if I were to fail this time, I know I will have to go home and face my fate and lead an ordinary or normal life. 😔  Although he may have lied in his stories, since he always tells me “not to trust a Serb” and “not to trust him”, my gut feeling tells me that he does not lie to me at the very first instance. Everything that he told me about himself is true. He always says that I spread positivity propaganda to him, and I believe that I have motivated him to work hard and lead an extraordinary life but he does not see the opposite. He does not know how much what he said to me, meant to me. For he sees my dreams and believes that I can accomplish them. Many people will not understand what I seek in life or believe in me, but he DOES, even though it may just be a lie. I do not know how life would turn out for him eventually, but I hope that he will not be one of those smart people who will be unhappy because expectations fall short of reality. I was once stuck in this pothole and I felt miserable. I may have to undergo these emotions once again in life with this decision that I made but NM made me feel like, “you can dictate your own future”. Make the right decisions that will lead you to your ultimate goal. We want to be different, we dream big and want to achieve big and we made a promise to wait for each other at the finishing line. It would be amazing if we could journey together and provide the much needed support but unfortunately, we have very different values and beliefs and what he wants to achieve might not be what I want to achieve. But I am so thankful that I met him, for he changed my life in a span of 6 days. I promise, “To live well and stay on the bright side of life”. If the world is filled with lies and conspiracies, I am glad this one lie changed me, for the better or worse, we will have to live through it to know the answer.

A brand new challenge

 It has been 5 months since I last posted anything on this blog as life has been nothing short of busy. Travels for 2-3 months, living life on a bag pack and then 1 entire month of working on my dissertation. Everything winded down gracefully, learnt a lot along the way, met many people who inspired me, encouraged me, served as a reminder to myself, etc.

In a few hours, I am setting off on another brand new adventure to U.S.A., commonly known as the New World. The Big Apple is a dream of many, just like Paris had always been a dream of mine. Before I know it, I have been to Paris for five times but I will never get enough of the city I guess. Then again, if I were to live in Paris, I will be so sick of the throngs of tourists that commute everyday and crowd around the Eiffel Tower, Louvre Museum and what not.

There is so much that I want to write about on my travels in Bolivia and Peru and subsequently in the Balkans. It will take me some time to get down to this for now, I have to focus on searching for an apartment in NYC and then also a job. :)

I was very hesitant about doing this internship initially but the people that I met along the way made me want to do this. I found courage in the most unexpected moments in life and from the least expected people. There is a lot of uncertainty confronting me but all my life, I have been used to adapting to a new environment. I learnt how to close the chapters of the book, titled "My Life Story" with less pain and grief over time and to look forward to new adventures more positively and adapt faster to change.

NY, it has to be everyone's dream, including me. :) But mark my words, I will be back to write about all my adventures.