Regrets.?!

I am feeling lethargic to hit my books. The situation is getting worst as the semester progresses! HELP!!

Oh, I went to watch Benjamin play his last bball match for his school yesterday. Seeing the agony and helplessness that filled his face when his team was clearly lacking the opposition upsets me. He wanted to win the game so bad and qualify for the nationals but the winning element and attitude was prominently missing from his team as a whole. All I can say is that it just wasn't their day. They had quite a few good shots but it just bounced off the ring or it swivel round the ring before the ball came off.

Those scenes made me reflect on myself and my altheltic achievements. I am a sportsperson since young. I take fancy and interest in all kinds of sports except the extreme ones. I represented my class when I was in primary school for any kind of sports, during the sports meet etc. But I lack confidence in doing the individual races. Now I wonder why? I was a clear contender for the 100m and 200m event but I never once participated. In sec school, I wanted to play competitive Netball but the team in BBSS never once formed until we were in secondary 4 and all was too late. I was offered to join the competitive badminton team in sec 2 but I rejected the offer. Guides took a toll on me and I refused to commit into another CCA. Now, I kinda regret. Finally when I went to NP and was finally able to try to compete for a spot in the Ngee Ann Netball team, I gave up on my first attempt to get into the IVP team. I admit I lacked experience in the game. Back then, I should really have persevered in getting into the IVP team.

I guess I lacked the courage to pursue what I wanted back then. The emotional setback was too much for me to handle? Now, I feel really proud for all my family members and friends who could represent the school in a particular sport. For me, this will always be one regret in my life but I could still go on and maybe some day, I will represent some other organisation in some other form of competitions.! :))

Personality!

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

This is so freaky true!!

A day away.

Just after I clicked on the button for my air ticket to America, I received the acceptance letter from the Mexican university that my Summer Programme application was accepted. Just a day away. But all's too late now! :(

Anyway, I do not regret my decision to choose America. I believe I will enjoy it even though it's just 3 weeks! What's more, I rather be with my friends than to be alone to Mexico though the country itself is attractive enough. What's more, I hope I get YALE!!! :))

Agree or Disagree

"You have too many guy friends. People assume you are attached that is part of the reason why you are still single now."

I disagree. If those guy friends of mine are the reason I am not attached, then I would rather be alone all my life. At least whenever I need someone to talk to, they will always be around. At least they are not as gossipy and petty as the girls. At least there will never be any hard feelings between us. Recently, I hanged around with a group of friends whom I don't use to hang out with. People who come with a neutral point of view will find them to be ridiculous and irrational. At certain points in time, I find it so too. However, we are all young once only and that's the way life should be. We play tennis together and then halfway through, it started raining. We attempted to continue with another set but the rain mimicked the flow of a tap. Once we retreated, the rain drops diminish. Yet when we were getting ready to go for another set, it was as though the sky tap was opened and the droplets came splashing down again. Nonetheless, it was fun still. Who says drinking takes place only at night? When heaven plays tricks on you, you have no choice but to drink baileys with a weird mixer and make the output taste like "珍珠奶茶". I can't deny that was a relaxed way of life, as though I was in Stockholm, deja vu.! After you get sick of the TV show, filled your stomach, the 4 of you can then gather together and play another round of mahjong.! Lol. I bidded "Monday Blues" GOODBYE! And of course, they are definitely friends worth keeping because I believe they will go through the ups and downs, the rough and smooth patches of life, digging at each other's sorrows or offering a nice COLD BEER. :) I am glad I am brought into the little clique of theirs.!

“A smart and rich girl who have good looks is always attached." (Of course I'm not referring to myself though I'd love to! Lol!)

I realise guys also have the opinion that if a girl is pretty or smart or this or that, she must be attached. Frequently, it's just assumptions and deductions of their own or because they do not want to be rejected by the girl to have their ego bruised. But girls who are smart know how to pretend to be stupid so they should have an edge and higher probability of getting hitched compared to girls who are silly because they cannot pretend to be an intellect.

"Friends should never have any conflict of interest. Smart people should cut the act of being cooperative with latent intentions of competing with another."

I was totally taken aback when I stepped into the class today to see all the Honors Year student one cohort before mine sharing their assignment answers. They are scary. And, the reason of being so, they do not want to lose to their peers so they want to make sure they all derived the answer. If one makes a mistake, all made the mistake. Honestly, between my peers and I, though we discuss about our academic studies, we do not actually disclose our CAP and stuff. Not that I do not want to tell them or that I desperately need them to know, but I think it's unnecessary. If they do ask me, I'll them but if they don't, I don't see the need to amplify. Likewise for them, I never know nor question their CAP either. This is what I called mutual trust.

Imagine you walk into a class for the first day and everyone in the class knows your CAP, your academic results, whether you are a Dean's lister or not and stuff. They end up being your friends but so what? Are their intentions kind? Not that I am suspicious or that I have little trust in other people, but I believe in making friends with only people who are sincere in being friends with you despite your reputation, wealth, achievements etc. I am in my 3rd year in NUS but officially I am year 4. Those in their 4th year of studies and am official year 4 students are crazy people. In their batch, almost everyone knows each other's CAP and they know who are the first-class graduates, who are second and etc. Reason?! I don't know. So they know who their competitors are etc. I do not concur with this kind of behaviour though I know hanging around smart people increases work efficiency because you can learn from them and make them do the work. But, it's definitely a NONO for me!

People who know me would know that I am someone who loves making new friends all the time but in NUS, and especially in my Honors class, I only hang out one or two friends. I do not want to be acquainted with all these competitive classmates. It's like they are competitive and they will want to compete with me. And me, having seen someone competing damn hard with me will be unable to control my emotions and the evil side of me will take control and I'll start competing with him or her too. Any form of competition damages relationship to a certain extent. It results in conflict of interests and I hate to lose friendship out of conflict of interests. Thus, I rather not make new friends. As in I hate people to see me as a benchmark, be it positive or negative, meaning they want to be better than me or they do not want to be a loser like me. It is childish. Don't you think so?

I like the freedom of being a human being, to be able to use my senses to judge myself and things in life, but not people. I enjoy the privilege to pursue what I want and be an unique individual. Thus, when I see people mimicking my style, my achievements, my habits, my lifestyle, my actions, my speech or any part of me, I feel exasperated. Not that I think am such a good role model that people look upon but even between friends, I hate to be copied. So, THAT'S ME! :))

The 5 Little c's

Chris & I were on the cab and the cab-driver, a fluent English speaker, engaged in a conversation that lingered in me after the ride.

The 5 Little c's required in every relationship:

1. care.
2. concern.
3. commitment.
4. convictions. (of the heart, not mouth)
5. communication.

We are all too occupied with the hectic lifestyle in Singapore that we often neglect the minute stuff that are happening around us, and with our partners. I ain't got the clue why we specifically highlighted and termed them as little c's. Perhaps he thinks that many people find the above of low importance nowadays. They are naked to the eye and ears but deep in depth. Just ask yourself how much of the above do you display in your everyday life for that special someone?!

Bon Voyage.

Many a times, words carry no meaning and it's the listener that interprets from his own perspective. Yet, I wasn't trying to shun responsibility. Perhaps, I said words that were hurting along the way, out of moments of impulse at times and the remaining the revelation of my true feelings. In that perceived hidden agony of yours, I have been going round in circles and trying to make things right and convince you that everything's gonna be alright. At times, the helplessness and emotional baggage that I carry proved too much to bear and I need to seek refuge. And I really didn't mean it to say those words. Maybe the game should stop or, what comes next for us?!

Your benevolence.
A cooling period.
My Pursuit of Freedom.

我坚持的，都值得坚持吗
我所相信的，就是真的吗
如果我敢追求，我就敢拥有吗
而如果都算了，不要呢
或许吧 或许我永远都不会遇见他
或许吧 或许我太天真了吧


Also, my bro is flying off to Thailand! I'm so gonna miss him! Someone whom I can always play tricks on, disturb him when he's so focused with the computer, hang around on weekend midnights watching soccer, have dinner with whenever I feel like to, lying on our respective cozy beds sharing secrets and HTH talks. Argghh! But I am sure the trip will reap benefits for him, bring new perspectives to his life, give him a brand new outlook of his job etc.

Bon voyage, Bro and see ya on April's Fools! :))

The Right Tempo.

The overwhelming number of gatherings and outings have taken a toll on my tempo and pace of studies. I am supposed to be putting in extra effort this semester, ain't I? Where's my Mugging Cap? Lol.!

Anyway, it was JY's birthday on the 7 Feb so we had a KTV session out at Top-One. The guests were unusual, definitely not people whom we get to meet often but it was cool still. We need new faces to paint a different picture in our clique other than the usual 4 of us. Yet at moments during the session, the exceptional affliation between Jan, Omma & I surface. Cos everytime minute happenings surface, the 3 of us would be extremely quick to look at each other through the corner of our eyes with the "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" stare. I thought it was really hilarious. :)) Yet, it was a short gathering since we all had our own hangouts to be at subsequently.

Oh yeah, I need to mention: AUDI rocks.! The fanfare for the Brand originated from my vocation training at EY. One of the Tax Managers drove an Audi A4 and at that time, I was memerised by its exterior appearance. Nonetheless, being a Continental Car and its status as a more luxurious branded car, it was not that common in Singapore. I had taken lifts in different cars, from Subaru, BMW, Volvo, Honda Civic etc but the ride in my friend's Audi after KTV elevated my liking for the brand. The interior of the car was posh and it was the exact style that I wanted. :))

I'm excited about graduation cos it has always been my dream to own a car. But AUDI will definitely not be my maiden car because of the steep price-tag that comes with it. Lol. But I hope to edge closer to it as I age. So, AUDI, wait for me. :))

From movie to KTV and lastly, steamboat over @ BY's house on Sunday. I love sessions like those cos we will always crack lots of jokes, expand on each other's conversation, dig at each other's sorrows with no ill intentions and bring out the hidden-side of each other. And this time, tuition was the Hot topic cum debate.

IF has an 'amazing' student, one whom he terms as a 'STUPID' kid. Hearing his stories made me extremely certain that no primary school kids should be on my agenda. I once had a pri. sch boy whom took a toll on my temperant, on my patience and get on my nerves every lesson. But I guess at least my student's mom is someone who knows his son and his abilities so well that she does not expect too much from the tuition. In fact, it was always me calling the mom to address concerns that surfaced during the sessions. And this was the unusual conversation that arose:

WenX: 你爸爸不是猪？ 你妈妈不是猪？ 为什么会生出你这头猪？
＊Laughters, Giggles follow."

BingY: Elbow him, Box him, Beat up his whole family. Whole family get into a fight. Ah, tuition teacher go crazy liao! Uncle come, punch him. Dash out of the house, beat up all the neighbours!!!!!!!

KokW: (Acting as the maid) "No Sir, no sir. Don't beat me."
WenX: Go out, Kick the Dog. (Acting as the dog) " Er, er." *Two hands imitating the paws of the dog*

By then, the giggles could no longer be contained. The laughters flooded the whole kitchen and people in the living room were aroused by the interesting and arousing conversation that was going on in the kitchen.

Sometimes, I wonder. Will such engaging conversations continue 5, 10 or 20 years down the road when we all will be elites in our own field or industry, some married and even with kids, some still single, some still unsettled? What will bridge the growing gap between us? I guess it will still be the habit of having each other in our lives that link our hearts always. :))

Teh-Beng.

Teh-Beng really keeps me awake.
That's my latest discovery.
:)) or :((

Fab Federer

My heart goes all out to the Legendary FAB FEDERER. I was totally filled with disappointment and anguish when I realise he lost yesterday. He was controlling the game during the 2nd & 4th set, wasn't he? How could he possibly have lost the 5th set 6-2?

ARGGH.. Other than soccer, tennis is my 2nd favourite sporting event. I love his strokes, his postures, his serves, his aces. And I am still anticipating his signature moves like planting a kiss on the camera then placing his signature and vice versa, rewarding the supportive crowd with his wristband & his smiles, and the competitive and Winning-AURA that surrounded him when he lifts the cup. I am anticipating his 14th Grand Slam. He is deserving of having his name on the honorary roll as someone who has the most no. of Grand Slams in his career.

As I was watching the trophy presentation, I could feel tears welling up in my eyes too when he lost control of his emotions and tears on the stage. The anguish, the disappointment, the inability to live out the expectations that others and he himself had was just too much to bear. He was the man that dominated the tennis scene, that created so many wonders, that impressed the crowd. Yet now, his dominance in something he love most and excel in was diminishing and he simply had no control over it at all! If I were him, I'd break down too.

I don't deny that Nadal is a deserving contendent and champion too. But he just doesn't grace the game as much as Federer does. French Open 'sup next and that's Nadal's territory of dominance once again. I am really looking forward to seeing Federer beating him once again, maybe in the Wimbledon or US Open.

You can lose your ranking, lose to your opponent, lose the prize money, lose the cup, lose the moment but you should never lose your dignity and fighting spirit. Honestly, I think the applause for Federer was much much more overwhelming than that for Nadal, despite him being the champion. I believe that it is, should be, would be and will always be for someone who brings out the best in the sport. We all love TENNIS & FEDERER.!

Of course, back to my own life. School's pretty much settled with me finally registered for my 5th module and having tutorials on the go already. Nonetheless, the festive mood is still lingering in me and I haven't got any work done at all. Just a gentle reminder, it's week 4 and a quarter of the semester has flown by without me realising once again. I am supposed to be working much harder this semester considering that it's my Honors year. Yet, it's always a zombie self that goes to classes. An attentive outer-shelf with a hollow soul. LOL.

And I played tennis with Shawny today. It was a random occurence. Both of us decided on it on Sunday night after watching Nadal & Federer play, at 1245 am. I am taken aback that I managed to pull myself out of bed at 715 am for an hour of tennis. There's the burning desire in both of us to have a game. LOL. It's been about 4 months since I picked up tennis. There's still an unspoken and unidentified element that seems to be missing from my game. On the surface, I'm able to play the balls and serve decently. Shawny reassured me that I was doing ok but somehow I just don't feel good. I need the touch like when I play badminton, the feeling of security and confidence that I could control the game. Now, I am thinking how I should up the level of the game. Perhaps, I need to play with different people so they could give me more opinions. And I definitely need a female to stroke with me yeah. Shawny's balls are too forceful. Oh yeah, and my BACKHAND still sucks. I am caught in between using single backhand and double backhand. I started out playing the single backhand but our fat and rotund coach insisted that me as a girl, should use double backhand coupled with the fact that double-backhand prevents the ball from flying in all directions if we do not integrate the supposingly top-spin into the stroke.

I must now put in a little bit more focus into studies as well, perhaps, maybe. I should quit playing Pet Society and facebooking every single day. I can feel the workload mounting already but I've yet to push the panic button. Lol. Typical last-minute buddha leg hugging semester re-enact. :))