Happy Birthday to Myself!

A year has flown past and it is time to celebrate my hatch day again! This was probably the quietest birthday that I had ever had. Since young, I do not have the habit of really celebrating my birthday given it is typically school holidays. I also tend to fall sick during my birthday as far as I can recall as a kid. 

As I enter into my teenage years, I started to celebrate in the company of my buddies and I remember I also celebrated my 21st as a milestone of me stepping into adulthood officially. On that day, I made the promise to myself that from then on, I shall no longer celebrate my birthday in style in future. 

I no longer covet a celebration because one, I do not want to remind myself that I am a year older again. Two, people long for birthdays because of wishes and gifts to a certain extent, for that something that you really like to be gifted to you as a present on your birthday and I have come to a point whereby I can afford whatever that I want and have no need for any presents or gifts, I am not sure if that is a blessing or a curse? It might make you look lonely and cynical that no one bothers to buy you a gift on your birthday or not know what to buy for you because you do not like any gifts LOL. The things that I want to buy also do not come cheap and I would feel embarrassed to be receiving gifts from others who probably have to scrimp and save to buy me the gift. Third, I go through hustle and bustle 364 days a year and I would like that one day to be reserved for some peace, quietness and ME time. Thus, I try to travel during my birthday and I have been doing that since 2009 except for a few years when I could not travel due to work commitments and in the last 2 years without having to explain further - Genting, Shanghai, Maldives, Is, Turkey, UK, NY, Nepal - these are the places which I have left my footprint outside of SG. 

I did not make a single wish this year because I no longer know what to wish for - world peace, C to be over, and to be happy always? Perhaps if I had to make wishes in the past, I would wish for an extraordinary life but as I age, I just want to be happy and live an ordinary life. I want to be able to travel around the world, meet different people from different cultures, appreciate the simplest things in life, be patient towards people around me and myself, want the people around me to also be happy and healthy and be able to live the life that they want. Life only gets tougher as you age and when I look around, I often asked myself, how many people are truly happy in life? 

What makes you happy? 

You only have to be 1 dollar richer than what you need in life to be satisfied

Wise words that someone told me a while back when I was struggling. I don't feel that I am poor most days because I can afford most things that I want in life these days, except a house (I came to realise). About a year ago, I wrote about wanting to eventually return to Singapore and was checking prices for a house as I was 50/50 between returning to Singapore and not. A year later, I cannot believe I am once again at this crossroad and I am now 70/30 on going back home. This is when I realised that f me, I still cannot afford to buy the house that I want to in Singapore. Perhaps I am too greedy, I am looking for too much - freehold, decent size, decent location, etc. and given 1 set of salary, I will probably have to wipe out all my savings to afford that. What should I do? 

I am not adamant about buying it and I am not looking to buy it because of pressure from anyone or me wanting to compete with anyone. I just want to buy a place which I can call home - my own loft. I could buy a HDB honestly and make it look good too, but these days they do not come cheap either and given how hard I have worked in the last few years, I feel like I deserve to buy something decent. At the same time, I do not want to become a slave for my house because I have to fret about paying the mortgage and what if I lose my job? Basically, I do not want to wear a hat that is bigger than my head. 

I do not feel lousy as I am writing this because I feel that I have come to terms with riches / money / wealth these days. As long as you are happy with your life, it does not matter whether you live in a condo or a HDB. It does not help that I am someone who from time to time will have all these crazy thoughts of packing my bags. Well, I have been through it once and I know exactly how that feels so I will not let myself go through it again! I need to feel engaged and I will continue working no matter what. The issue is - where is that place where I can keep going without stopping? 

One thing for sure that I know is - I need to leave London if I want to be able to buy that flat because the taxes here are killing me. I guess this is perhaps one reason why Asians are so obsessed with riches because houses in Asia are so freaking expensive unlike in Europe/ US. With the price that I am paying in Singapore to buy that flat which is only 1000 sqft. I will be able to buy a huge house here and still have spare cash :p 

I live without worries these days, with a decent job, decent amount of savings and I can 说走就走 to do anything freely or go anywhere freely. The moment I put pen to paper on that house purchase, it will be the end of my 说走就走. That I can be absolutely certain. Life's choices. 

Can't believe a year has flown by and I am still writing about the same things as a year ago - it means I have not made any progress. Is happiness what we are all solving for?

Takeaways from work from home

Unknowingly, it has been 1.5 years since I started working from home. It has truly been a dream come true and although I do miss social interactions, I cannot brush off the benefits of working from home either. I definitely miss the occasional coffees / walks which I used to take with SM, VV, back at my old firm and they gave me so much comfort during my analyst years. People who absorbed my grouses and constantly encouraged me to face up to problems, etc. Needless to say, I miss all the discussions I had in the office with C. D. bouncing ideas off each other and going through pitchbooks, models live, etc. In the new environment, I am also fortunate enough now to be seated beside a new analyst who is jovial and the occasional jokes that we crack always make my day and make me appreciate being back in the office a lot more. 

However, one should not deny the benefits of working from home still. I feel that when you work from home, people judge you purely based on the work that you produce and that should be what it is, isn't it? When you are in the office, you go for coffee with others, from time to time, you pick up your phone and text your loved ones, etc. but every little thing that you do as a result gets judged! If you are away from your desk for more than 15 minutes, people start to form judgment of your commitment, focus, efficiency, and neglect your work. People also judge your demeanour, your dress sense, the food that you eat, the number of times you go to the bathroom (even), etc. which in no way should discount the QUALITY of the WORK that you produce. Everyone likes to say, "I do not care about Facetime" but the truth is whoever is not at his / her desk always become the topic of discussion, ain't it? That is what the workplace is made for - for gossips, for people to judge others to make themselves look good. This is something that I have noticed ever since returning to office. I never had to worry about all of these while working from home. I only had to focus on the work that I produce! 

That said, the ship has sailed when it comes to working from home. We are on course to normalcy from C, which is a great thing and soon, we will all be back into the office and continue to be judged for things that are unrelated to our work. 

Reality hits

Well, it is vacation time! It seems like I have been taking a September vacation for the last three years since 2019 and there are pros and cons that come with it. I have to labour through summer when everyone is away and provide cover but I get to take a break from busy September. 

This break seem to come at a timely point before I return to the new reality of going back to the office. The past 1.5 years of working from home has been truly a dream come true. There are so many benefits associated with working from home, and I cannot fantom why some companies refuse to provide a hybrid environment to allow working from home. There are times when I felt so stressed out while working that I simply pull out my guitar and started to strum and sing to help myself to destress. This would have been totally impossible if working from the office. 

From this C. mess, I also got lots of insights. The world is so divided. You have the pro-lockdown people, you have the free-spirited people (anti-lockdown protesters), then you have the anti-vaxers and you also have the "do whatever you want, I simply cannot be bothered" people. I once heard this saying, "When you are a in position of power, do not just listen to the person who is shouting right in front of you, but that also try to listen to the silent ones". How true is that? Those that openly protest against lockdowns and vaccines do not represent the majority who might want to have some restrictions in place and willing to take a vaccine to move on with life. I would be really curious if the country were to take a poll and find out what % of the population are in for restrictions and what % want to just be free? There is no right or wrong, just a matter of opinion. We have been through this countless times this decade, from Brexit to how T. became POTUS. I remembered we had countless discussions in class back then about Brexit, about T., etc. Sometimes we laughed it off about how ridiculous T.'s campaign was yet he somehow proved the "minority" wrong. There were many silent majority out there who secretly had the similar sentiments like T and voted for him. A ton of Brits never felt they were part of Europe and wanted to break free despite all the talk about free trade brings about more benefits and costs and UK had a larger half of the pie by being in the EU. 

The one takeaway from C. for me was that I learnt to live in the moment. I am someone who like to look forward a lot, plan ahead, etc. Nowadays, I cannot live my life by being a step ahead anymore. I know I want to get home in December but I cannot even book my flight ticket right now because I would not know what the world would like four months ahead? Will quarantines still be in place or will I be able to fly freely? Will I still have the option to work from home/Singapore should I choose to return? When I used to be able to travel, I would think about the reality that I have to face when my travels end but these days, I no longer do that. I think about enjoying my holidays and leave the reality to future, for you never know what will happen to you tomorrow? 

Do you have 2.5 years more?

When I do not write as much, it always has got to do with work. I am completely buried under work in this new environment, without the right kind of support and me being someone who is extremely responsible, perfectionist and wanting to take ownership does not help. This industry is tough but how you survive all depends on your character. If you can be non-chalant about certain things, you probably will find it easier to navigate through the never ending wave of tasks. Although I have been in this job long enough and know what to do and how to survive, sometimes I really question if this is the right job for me? 

When I made the decision to move, I told myself that I will hang on for at least 2.5 years to the next milestone in this career, however I have been questioning myself so much in the past 2 weeks! When you look forward, 2.5 years seem really long. However, when you look backwards, 2.5 years seem like nothing. It has been 2.5 years since I moved to London. It has been 4.5 years since I started in this job. I was at Trafalgar Square this afternoon and memories flooded back when Doggie and I sat in the square chatting about life at large - 2 years ago! 2.5 years is nothing in the grander scheme of things and in a lifetime of 80 years, question is do I have 2.5 years more? 

My niece's wish in 2018 was for me to return to Singapore, in fact not just my niece but all my loved and cherished ones back home - Bro, BH, Doggie, Mom for sure, Grandma and nephews! My niece has waited for more than 2.5 years! Do I have 2.5 years till I return to Singapore if I would like to be able to play mahjong with my grandma more often? Do I have 2.5 years in London before my nieces/ nephews no longer want to hang out with me/ spend time with me? Do I have the patience to pay another 2.5 years of taxes? Do I want to live the next 2.5 years working till 1am everyday and working even on Sundays? 

I really wish for normalcy - if I could go back to travelling, if I could go back to badminton, I am sure 2.5 years would pass in the blink of an eye. I asked myself today - has my life moved forward or retracted backwards in the last 1.5 years ever since C started? I picked up the guitar and am now able to strum and sing. It has been my dream since I was 13 to be able to do that but I never once succeeded in picking up a musical instrument. C gave me the chance to fulfill this dream of mine. In exchange, I lost the opportunity to play badminton. I see my friends going back on court but I just dont have the courage to take that step forward to be in a mask-off environment and play a high intensity sport. All it takes is 1 person among the group to be infected and rest of the group gets implicated. Not so much of whether they infect me but also whether I will infect them given that vaccinated individuals carry an equal high amount of viral load as an unvaccinated one. I have contact with so many people on a daily basis when I go to the office. 

I reminisce about the times my PIG sister and I went on road trips - US, Japan, Australia, Taiwan - me driving and her next to me struggling to find the directions and sometimes feeling so stressed out. The times I forced her to go travelling with me - Egypt, Is, etc. by enticing her with a $500 subsidy and then offering a loan for the remaining expenses. LOL. We have our fair share of disagreements and sometimes argue but at the end of the day, we continue to be each other's support in life. I am a forgetful person and I cannot remember any of the arguments we had during our trips anymore (though I bet my sister remembers them secretly ;p). All the sceneries that we passed by while driving were picturesque but these moments suddenly seem so out-of-reach. 

I dont want to whine about C anymore because at least I have a job despite the crisis, I eat and sleep well and I have a roof over me and have access to healthcare facilities if I want to. There are many others who are facing issues with their livelihood, refugees from the various civil wars all around the world today. Our world needs to heal. 

Leap of Faith

3 months since I last updated. Going home was TRULY AMAZING! I missed my family and friends so much and despite having to take precautions while being able to roam the streets of Singapore again, I would do it again even with all the scares that I had to go through.

I went back to playing tennis, badminton, mahjong whilst continuing my guitar lessons and spent a ton of time with my nieces and nephews. Kids are so innocent and spending time with them truly makes me happy. All of that were made possible because I simply took the time off from work, being on gardening leave and just chilling at home. I also enjoyed the companionship of my PIG sister, my grandmother, my brother, my cousins and doggie and rattie too. 1.5 years not seeing them was simply too long! 

After a good 5 weeks, I packed my bags again and embarked on my new journey. Before I know it, half of 2021 has whizzed past yet again and I am almost 2 months into the new job! It has been nothing but tough as you can imagine, having to pick up processes all over again and getting used to working with different people with different quirks. At my old place, at least I always knew what to expect from xx. Truth to be told, there were many moments in the last 2 months that I really miss working with xx. I do not miss so much the place but really miss working with xx. He is truly the best person that I have worked with in my professional career. Like I have mentioned, it took me a long time to come to this decision and I know that it is a point of no return when I decided to take this step. I will gain a nice brand on my CV, however I have lost a good partner at work and a friend. If I were the other party, I would feel betrayed because there was simply no signals of my decision coming. It came too sudden and swift and there was no way to convince me out of it. Given my character, I sometimes do take a long time to come to a decision and when I have made up my mind to move on to a new future, no matter how much I long for the past, I will never look back regardless of how desperate I might be. That is ME and I stay true to who I am. 

I relate to this very famous tale of how a person goes on a journey to find the most suitable flower. He has only one chance to pick one flower and he will not be able to go backwards to pick a flower once he has decided to move forward. Along the way, though he saw many flowers that he liked, he never pluck a single one. He was always thinking that he will come across a better one further down the road only to realise that in the end, he ended up with no flowers at all. I am perhaps very much like the protagonist in that tale. I always wanted to move on no matter how much I like the present because I believe I will come across a better present. Maybe the previous stint would have been my best shot and I had missed it. For now, I can only keep moving on and make sure that I will enjoy every step in the future rather than reminisce about the good old days. 

For now, I need to adapt fast and it does not help that cases here are rising and I am in this conundrum of not knowing how to overcome my fear. At the start of June when I first returned to the workplace, I felt like I could live life normally again. I was forced out of my comfort zone and my time back home helped in terms of returning to normalcy. I then got hit with a false +ve test one day and I felt like I was kicked right back into my dughole. I wondered if I should have made those conversations with my colleagues, because had it being a real +ve case, I would have potentially put them at risk. I started to ponder upon my own interactions habits, how I should talk to someone, perhaps not directly to reduce the risk, etc. In a week's time, I probably have to readapt again to a "new" normal. I really long to return to some normalcy, return to the badminton court first thing first, but I just do not know how to take that step. I can take one leap of faith at a time, not multiple ones. 

Unwinding down this extremely long day

Today has been an extremely long day for me. 

5 hours of sleep and I was awakened by the need to submit my health check report and the day starts with final revision and then preparation for the exam. I must say that I was a little hesitant about enrolling in this course as I do not want to be "paying to suffer". The last 2 weeks have flown past really quickly while in quarantine with me spending an average of 6-8 hours studying each day while maintaining my routines such as stretching, home workouts, playing the guitar and what not. It was not easy to do this home online exam because they were really strict about a "clean desk" policy and the funny thing was the fact that I was on recording was completely at the back of my mind with me and my usual "curses and swears" in the background when asked to even remove the piece of paper used to facilitate my mouse. Halfway through the exam, my phone started ringing and I kinda panicked as I was afraid it would be one of those random call checks again and I was not allowed to in any way be non-visible on the webcam or whatsoever. I had to rush through the last 30 questions just to make sure that I will not be disrupted by knocks on my room door. It all ended well and I submitted the answers 45 minutes ahead of time and honestly, did not check through all the questions given the constant ringing of my phone. 

The second half of the day then revolves around the decision for me to move on. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights I had had since this opportunity popped up. I thought about all the comfort that I have right now and having to leave behind everything and start afresh. Even though I had gone through what I wanted to say at least a 1,000 times in my head, I just cannot control my own emotions while saying it. I am terrible at goodbyes but I knew I had to say everything that I wanted to say. No one truly knows what I have gone through in the past 1 year - stuck in a room for 375 days and not having any social interaction in person, going from bed to desk to kitchen and back to bed, having my favourite hobbies all stripped out from my life and then constantly struggling at a hundred things. I doubt I would have survived the year without my niece calling me on Facetime every week, my marathon chats with Chris, partying on a singing app with my sister, cousins and nieces. Indeed, the year has not been easy for anyone I believe, but given what I have gone through, I feel that I really need a change. Like I have mentioned previously, no one knows what to expect when making a change. It could be for the better or for the worst but until you try, you will never know. Once I have made up my mind to take the leap of faith, I am doing it. It was a difficult 2 hour conversation for me in the evening, having to explain my rationale for doing so and I know that it is also customary for the receiving parties to try to convince me otherwise but trust is such a heavy word sometimes. 

Who do you trust and whom can you trust?

March is coming to an end.

I am a little late this week as I was tied up with clearing work before I go on vacation and also getting ready for my return. How I feel right now is how I usually feel when I go on holidays. The period before embarking on a holiday is filled with anticipation and excitement. As the day nears, your happiness level reaches its peak. Once you are actually on your holiday, the happiness level actually declines and not increases further because it means once your holiday is over, you have to be back to face reality. I often feel this way because I look forward too much and forget to live in the moment at times. This completely reflects my current emotional state. 

I have been searching the past 1 year for an answer. I found a solution, I got really excited and when I finally got what I want, I was elated for a few days. I then seem to fall into an abyss because I started to think about the new future, the change and started to reminisce about the good old times. There were countless sleepless nights in the last three nights, when I tossed about my bed and asked myself whether this decision was right? I made the choice eventually. Now as I have to embrace this new future, my anxiety gets to a whole new level, afraid that I will not be able to cope, afraid of having to start anew, after living in isolation for a year. 

While lying on my bed, I thought about my childhood spent with my brother and cousin and the times I ran around in school, sometimes falling asleep in lectures, hanging out in the neighbourhood with my closest friends, talking about dreams and the future and hoping to grow up quickly. Now that I am all grown up, I actually wish I could go back to being a child or a teenager when life was so much simpler. All you wanted was to be able to play, eat, sleep and have fun. You did not have to care about the "future" and you could live in the moment, every single day. Indeed, there are no fairy tales in adulthood and you never know the ending of this life journey until you get there. 

The next time I write, I would be in a different place and hopefully I will feel different emotionally. 

You are your own limit

I have been diligently keeping to my one post every fortnight since November and being in isolation does help. It frees up time for me to do things that I would not be doing otherwise. Imagine a typical long day at work, consuming my brain cells for 14 hours and after work, I simply want to relax and play some games or scroll through social media. Now, I can spend 2-3 hours a day on the piano or the guitar. 

This topic that I would like to write about came to mind this very morning although I constantly discuss about these issues with my sister on what we can potentially achieve in life or how far one can go in life. Some people feel that one's achievements in life is highly influenced by their family background i.e. resources while others believe that they can create their own future? Do you believe in fate or destiny? Do you have a head start in life compared to others such that when you are struggling to learn in school, your parents can afford to get you external help and support? Do your parents have the right networks for you to leverage on as you age? I have always been more on the side of capitalism and hence, erred on the side of a free market mechanism for the economy to function and chose it as the way of life. The downside of capitalism is that resource rich entities tend to have a higher starting ground and might lead to wider income inequality and the wealthy ones get to perpetuate their dominance. 

What then would allow one to break out of poverty? Can one really break away from their family background? Resources - either you are born a genius (super smart) or you have resources / networks to get you to where you are. You might have higher cognitive ability such that you can handle more complex tasks, think more deeply into issues and find opportunities in the real world to differentiate yourself and break out of the vicious cycle that your family could be in. It is not uncommon for you to see families of doctors, lawyers i.e. children and grandchildren who take after their parents or grandparents and makes you wonder - if I am born poor, does it mean that I will always be poor or middle income? I ponder over this topic for years, while in my previous job and also today. My conclusion is that "You are your own biggest enemy". 

More often than not, I feel that it has to do with the expectations that you set for yourself in life and whether you believe in what you can achieve. Do not blame it on your parents: Having come across parents of different extremes; some who want their kids to reach for the skies and some who only expect their children to get by in life, be happy and comfortable. No doubt your parents can have a huge impact on what you set out to achieve - if your parents are professionals like doctors, lawyers, bankers, etc. would you then endeavour to emulate them? What if your parents are entrepreneurs - would you then not be able to become a doctor or an engineer? A child does not know what to expect in life - he or she emulates his /her parents' behaviour and at a young age, adopts parental guidance. I feel that as a parent, do not belittle your child; help them build confidence but at the same time, do not be overly demanding as it can create too much stress. However, I also come to realise that life is meant to be stressful. With great power comes great responsibility. If you want to become someone powerful, someone who commands, then it means you have to shoulder huge responsibilities. The ability to handle stress and withstand pressure is a daily affair for high performers. Do not be envious of someone in a powerful position because you do not know what stress he goes through everyday. No one can be ordinary and powerful. Every word that you utter gets put into different context when you become someone powerful. I feel that I have been treading this line very carefully. I believe that I can achieve in life hence I pushed myself hard for a long period of time. When I finally got to somewhere far in life, I start to belittle myself and feel inferior to some others. For 2021, it is time for a change and I am going to try to challenge myself to scale greater heights. 

My thoughts are reflected off my surroundings. Seeing some parents pushing their children really hard and putting them through a lot of stress - I asked myself: is that right or wrong? Will the kid really feel stressed out or will he simply see it as a daily routine to go through countless enrichment classes and homework to become smarter and better than others? Does hard work always translate into results? Will the kid have a nervous breakdown? Should we then not push a child too hard? I seem to have lost my bearings on what is the right direction? I was having a conversation with a friend working in China and this came to mind - the Chinese are investing into the future generation. Many of my Chinese friends are multi-talented - they take music classes, sports training, art, dance, etc. and their parents invest into cultivating their minds from a young age. They also excel in their studies and are extremely intelligent. Will they grow up to be more successful than the others who do not have similar exposure? I feel that if their parents did not try to mould them, their future is equivalent to tossing a coin - can be good or bad. However, when their parents try to invest in their future, they are trying to turn the odds in their child's favour. I then wonder about my own country. I feel that the average SG-ean is smart because of our rigorous education system but being book smart is different from being street smart. Life is a long journey and a lot of lessons simply cannot be picked up from books. You need to meet people, interact and keep learning throughout life. I once read an article about how we excel as a nation and is known to have one of the best education systems in the world - but why then have we not produce a single Noble Prize winner? Being smart and being creative are too different things. I hope I can lean onto the latter more some days. 

Lastly, I would like to touch on the topic of resource curse. Many poor nations that we observe today are experiencing what we call a resource curse whereby because they are blessed with resources, they do not see the need to work as hard as others who do not have the same privileges. Sometimes I see it in some of my smartest and richest friends. They are really smart but they are leading a very ordinary life and I do not belittle this ordinary life but I feel like they have not realised their full potential. I can attribute it to a few reasons: 1. Fear of failure - because they are smart, they are more afraid of failing because they do not want to be judged by others. 2. Taking shortcuts - they do not feel the need to work as hard because they feel that they would achieve the same results as someone who is less smart with half the effort. Over time, it becomes a habit to take shortcuts but if you are forever taking short cuts in life, you cannot go too far either because some roads are meant to be long and arduous and you just have to go through the grit. 3. They are more easily contented with what they have because they can achieve things so easily when they are smart. It is tiring to keep trying to get to new heights - you have to constantly fight and get better. 4. They stay in their comfort zone too much. Some of my richest friends live in comfort. They can afford everything and anything that they want that they do not feel the need to fight for something. 

The purpose of me writing this post is to remind myself all of the above: 

1. You are your own biggest enemy and the limit to your own achievements. If you set out doing something with the mindset that you will fail, then you will definitely fail. 

2. You are what you practise everyday. If you spend your time lying around and not doing anything, you will become the best lazy bum in the world. If you want to achieve something, keep doing it. 

3. Persevere - when I started playing the guitar, I felt like I could never be able to play a bar chord. It just looks impossible to me. I can now play the F-bar chord. It took me a long time but I am now able to do it at least. I will never become a pro because I am too old and my muscles are less conditioned than guitarists who start learning at a young age but at least I can play it now

4. Be happy - we strive so hard in life in pursuit of happiness, right? We climb the corporate ladder, we try to make more money, we try to become a better person because we think that will bring us happiness. what if the road to achieving all of these is an unhappy one? Should we then continue or give up? It is a tough call to make here. So many a times, I had wanted to throw in the towel doing this job but why am I still here? 

Something for a change

Trying to keep to my one post every fortnight...

I must say that work has been extremely busy these days that I am spending my free time chilling and catching up on my sleep whenever I can. My topic for discussion is "Change" - the only constant in our ever changing world I guess. 

People seek a change for a better or worse? More often than not, we do not what to expect when we leave our current status quo. I have always embraced change more readily than I expected and it has to be attributed to my childhood experiences. At the age of 10, I moved to a new school and had to adapt to a brand new environment - everyone in the class had their own cliques and as a transferee, I had to learn to fit into the different groups. Although I was too young to understand anything at that time, when I looked back at those times, I could understand my own fears and lack of confidence back then. Fortunately, I met people who extended a helping hand - Sam who brought me into choir, Charlotte who helped me so much and was my best friend in the school, had two odd but also kind-hearted neighbours sitting within my group - CP, WM, AZ, ZB. I failed to leave up to expectations early in life and despite being in the best class in the school, I went to a "neighbourhood" school and was the only one from my class who went to that school, when all my classmates went to top schools. That motivated me to strive and work hard in secondary school and also shaped my future endeavours and work attitude. You can be smart but you still need to be diligent to consistently perform in life. 

Then came the transition into pre-university. Though I did decently well to get into a JC, I chose a polytechnic and had to face a brand new environment alone once again. This did not stop even when I moved from the polytechnic to University and the first 20 years of my life had been all about facing the "music" all alone each and every time. It made me a stronger and highly adaptable person because I had to be more outgoing to meet new strangers while others had their own "comfort zone" of friends to navigate their freshmen years with them. As a result, I made many cliques of friends growing up though not all stayed in touch with me subsequently. However, some days, I do wonder if my life would have been much different had I chosen similar paths as my classmates at the different junctures in life and had a comfort zone which I could stay within? Would I be more resistant towards change as an adult and chose certainty over uncertainty in the next 10 years to come after university? 

This behaviour of having to adapt to change did not stop even as a working adult. I chose to leave my first career and further my studies, travel around the world to work and study and more often than not, I was always ALONE. The first few weeks or months of being in a foreign country or city was always painful, I have to say. Having to navigate a new city, figure out the way of life, culture, and trying to settle in and looking for a place to live in were filled with challenges but that did not deter me from constantly changing my lifestyle and career pursuits. In the last one year, I found myself stagnant and finally not changing. Being in the same team and same job and doing the same things throughout the last entire year. Everything was sucked out of my life - friends, hobbies i.e. badminton, sports, travel, etc. and all that I am left with in the last 1 year was basically getting out of bed, switching on the computer and started working then eat, shower, workout a little, play some games, watch some entertainment and back to sleep. I must say that it was quite interesting and enjoyable for the first few months when I finally could realise my dream of working from home but as time goes, it started to get really dreadful. You feel like you are an "outsourced" worker and people will send you emails and call you to get something done and if they needed nothing from you, you will not hear from them. It can be quite scary and you start to ponder upon your value in the team / firm, etc. You start to lose motivation as well because you do not see what others are doing and all you see is yourself buried under a pile of work. Work from home was supposed to be a "change for the better" in my mind whereby you have more work life balance since you no longer have to Facetime in the office but it seems to turn out otherwise. It has become so convenient for you to log on remotely so you are also expected to deliver much quicker as so long as you are not the one making the changes, every change is a "quick" one and should not take too much time! HAHA!

I once saw a quote - "You have to let go of the past in order to move forward". The burden of the "past" is what makes people reluctant to change. Regardless that the past is a heavy burden, uncertainty of the future after making a change is perceived as a BIGGER burden than the current one. This is what makes people stay at in comfort zone for as long as they can and not take the step forward. These days, I feel the same way too. I am comfortable where I am right now, should I change? What change should I be going for and will the change result in me becoming better than what I am today or where I am today? The older you get, the heavier the burden of the past, likewise is the perceived burden of change. That is why there is a saying that one bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. 

For me, I am comfortable in my current job. I know the floor well and know the processes and systems well. Why make a change? I will not be the best but I am definitely not the worst. 

For me, I am comfortable where I am living now even though there is no good heating and it is freezing during winter. I feel that I have my own privacy and my flatmate leaves me alone when I do not want to interact with her as I have experiences of flatmates who are so desperate to find someone to talk to all the time and bug you all the time. It is a distance from my office and it would be good / better if I find a place nearer to my office, with heating and also perhaps by the Thames with better view. 

For me, I am comfortable bunkering down in London until the situation gets better but I really want to go home too. I want to be able to walk the streets again without fear, go back to badminton/ sports and meet my family and friends in real life. If I were to just take the plunge and fly back to SG, I would then be able to have a more "normal" lifestyle but I just cannot pull myself out of my current comfort zone. 

It is 2021, time for a change, really. 

A post a month - marriage

I am a little late with keeping to my "One post every fortnight" resolution. There are a few topics that I would like to write about but some days, I just get lazy and those topics slip my mind soon after. Today, I shall write about a rather sacred topic - Marriage. 

I believe I have written about this previously but having written over a 1,000 posts in the last 13 years, I find it difficult to locate my old post. I guess I have gone past the age of "marriage" compared to the last time I wrote about it but I doubt my mindset has changed. I have more questions than answers towards Marriage at least. 

When people used to go for blind dates and arranged marriage, they stay together forever. These days, people have the freedom to pursue love yet they end up in a divorce. (1) Why is that so? That brings me to the million-dollar question - (2) what does Marriage mean to you? Some people marry for love, others do it for companionship, then you have those who do it out of responsibility, and a bunch who do it for the lineage and not forgetting those who see it as part of life's journey. 

Whatever your reason for marriage, (3) what would be the real reason why you stay in that marriage? You are really happy in your marriage, you love your spouse, you stay together because of the kids though there is no love anymore, you are afraid of being judged if you were to divorce, you have no financial ability to live alone, you are afraid of loneliness, or you are trying to stay true to your vows. 

Life is a long journey and assuming that you get married at between 25-30, you will actually spend half of your lifetime with your spouse. You have to tolerate each other's whims and fancies and shoulder the responsibility of a family together. Along the way, you get into fights and disagreements, learn to tolerate each other's quirks but out of marriage, you get someone to lean on when you are down and have someone to share your happiness with. You gain some and you lose some in a marriage and like tossing a coin, the odds that you will be happy is 50% and the odds that you will be unhappy is 50%. (4) Why then do some people not cherish what they have in a marriage and end up in a divorce? Some were subjected to abuse, some want out because they no longer feel any love towards each other to the extent that they actually hate each other, another might have found new love elsewhere. (5) Is it so hard to stay faithful to one person? (6) Why is it that the majority of the developed countries does not allow polygamy - one husband, many wives or one wife, many husbands? (7) What downsides would there be if this was a free-for-all society? 

Every girl dreams about marriage at some point in their lives, (8) why is then there an increasing trend of women staying single nowadays? (9) Why are people getting married at an older age? (10) What is the reason why you are still single? (11) Why do we need to get married? 

All these questions race through my mind all the time and even sometimes in my conversations with others. We live in such a different world today whereby we are constantly exposed to new technologies, new people, new lifestyles, a new environment. We get bored so easily when our lives become repetitive and hence we desire new challenges, fresh ideas and perspectives all the time. The bottom line is that we face temptations that make us overstep our supposed boundaries - an attractive man / woman comes along and we start to make comparisons between our current spouse and this "new" companion. The common dreams/ aspirations that a couple faces change over time. A couple bickers over the daily grind of life - the finances, the lifestyle, the poor living habits, the kids' education, the house, the car, the holidays, the meals, the grouses etc. 

(12) Do you still believe in happiness and an everlasting marriage? 

Goodbye 2020, you were not so welcome anyway

Last post of the year, here we go! 

This has been an extremely odd year, not just for me but for everyone, given Covid. Our usual way of life was transformed completely, things that we used to take for granted has now become an essential e.g. masks, washing our hands, spending time with our family and friends such as having a simple meal together, holding hands, giving hugs, soap, clean water etc. and things that we used to covet have become so useless while in quarantine and staying home e.g. branded clothes and shoes, cars, etc. There is so much to write as so many thoughts were flashing through my mind in the last 48-72h, however I am a bit loss for words now that I am right here typing. 

I shall start off with my reflections. As I looked back at this year and the new year resolutions that I set for myself:

1. Master one song on the guitar - preferably Mayday's song  拥抱，知足

2. Visit Russia Highly unlikely even for the next 1 year

3. Go on a family trip with my nieces (C, A) though this is probably beyond my control Highly unlikely even for the next 1 year

4. Live a healthier lifestyle - sleep earlier, more fruits (twice per week?) / vegetables, less chocolates and sweets, cutting away my snacking behaviour of eating chocolates everyday HAHAHA! I thought I did well during the first lockdown, not eating chocolates for 3 weeks in a row but it did not last long before I went back to my old ways. However, I did eat more fruits - blueberries/ apples weekly

5. Figure out my next step for this new decade - where next? what next? I guess my next step is still my current step but have a bit more direction

6. Look beyond others' judgment and live life / deal with work such that I am not subjected to anyone's whims and fancies

7. I hope my skin condition (face) improves - have been plagued by this acne problem ever since I left Singapore and sometimes I do not even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore :( Improved a lot during the first lockdown but back to the same old issue again in the last few months. I think it is mainly caused by stress and my snacking habit. When I was extremely occupied with work during Aug and Oct, that was when outbreaks became more common

Well, I did strike off quite a few items on the list so I am glad. I picked up new skills as well and now can play the keyboard a bit. :) I made loads of progress on the guitar I must say, having learnt at least 10 songs now. My biggest companion in lockdown was the guitar and keyboard. What else?

One thing that I would like to talk about is routines - As I spent the last 9 months at home, I had plenty of opportunities to build up routines however, I realise that it is really tough. During the first lockdown, my routine revolved around making my own meals, playing the guitar for at least 30-45minutes each day, doing some stretching exercises daily. It was relatively easy to maintain and after my one-week break, I started to incorporate swinging the badminton racquet daily so I do not lose my skills, starting to play the keyboard (sometimes could play for 1-2 hours), re-learning Spanish again and taking online courses on politics, finance, music theory etc. It got too much for me in July /August when work was not just buy but overwhelming. I had to drop some of my KPIs haha! By the Sep break, I did none of the above on a daily basis. Instead, I did whatever I could during my spare time. After the Sep break, I started to do home workout exercises every other day or every 3 days (maximum) but I dropped Spanish lessons. Throughout these 9 months, it made me realised that it is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to keep up with having routines. I really salute people who can keep a daily routine for years because we all have days when we feel lazy and want to just lie in bed and not do anything. Going forward, I hope life regains some normalcy in 2021 and I can get back into my routine of playing badminton at least once a week ^_^

This then brings me to the next topic: bingeing on dramas. I prefer watching variety shows rather than dramas because once I start on a drama, I cannot stop. I will load one episode after another and before I know it, I finish a 50 episodes drama in like 2 days, watching it day and night. In those 2 days, I will drop all my routines and not play the guitar nor keyboard or even eat proper meals LOL. I will just snug under my covers with my curtains drawn and let day and night pass me by. I do not really enjoy such a lifestyle because I feel as though my life is being drained away. I would have a sense of guilt/ remorse for bingeing on dramas. Hence, I am hesitant to watch too many dramas. However, variety shows have a stipulated stop typically 12 episodes and there is not so much of a push to have to load the next episode when one ends as they are not linked.

I perhaps need not emphasise on the things that I miss this year: Badminton, Sports, Travel, seeing my family and friends for I have not been home the entire year, not taken a single flight the entire year and I have pretty much been living in isolation. T_T I feel like I am Tom Hanks in Castaway sometimes, albeit without Wilson and the beard. Wilson is probably my guitar. The good thing is I do not feel like I am entirely cut off from the world or my family because of Facetime. I get to call my nieces 2-3 times a week and seeing their happy faces cheers me up. 

This was also a particularly difficult year when it comes to making decisions. I had wanted to go home on 3 different occasions and time and again, I did not. I just felt that I could wait a little while more and that the pandemic will be over, there will be less risks involved, etc. but unfortunately, hitherto, that day has not arrived. Simple decisions like buying some clothes, buying some household items, buying gifts for my nieces/nephews, etc. can also trouble me for days because I wonder if I have any use for them e.g. if I were to return home, when would I be able to return to the office, etc. I hate it this way because I am usually a very decisive person and once I decide on something, I almost never change my minds yet I see myself taking a U-turn multiple times this year. 

I have become more risk averse as I age as well. I was someone who packed my bags and went to Vietnam for 21 days without a planned itinerary and went to anywhere that I liked. Where is the girl who braced all odds to travel solo for 3 weeks in Europe and Morocco? I pulled the plug on an amazing career and path and went unemployed for 9 months and travelled for almost 6 months after. I still vividly remember the butterflies in my stomach when I left home 5 years ago and embark on a brand new journey to study in Europe and LATAM and then did a 25-day trip in Peru, hopping from one unknown city to another just to realise my dream of visiting Machu Picchu one day. I can never forget the sounds and sights during my 2-month travel in South America. I moved to New York without a job to do a free internship just to live my American dream. No one knows how many times I sat near Brooklyn and Manhattan bridge listening to Mayday and JJ Lin songs and questioning myself whether I will ever find my next step in life? Then came the descend into the most questionable place on earth, Middle East, doing a mid-career switch into one of the most competitive and notorious modern industry. When I look back at my life thus far, I can no longer figure out what gave me the motivation or courage to overcome my fears to face the uncertainty when I made all those decisions? During one of my interviews, I told the interviewer. All my life, I have been choosing uncertainty when I faced certainty. This is the one time that I want to choose certainty over uncertainty. Now, I would be hesitant to quit my job, no matter how many times I had the resignation letter typed. Now, I cannot even convince myself to travel to anywhere in Europe no matter how close I am. Now, do I still even dream? If I do dream, what do I dream about then? This is the one thing that I dislike about my life right now if you ask me - I no longer dream. I no longer have a "dream" destination, "dream" job, "dream" city to live in, a real "dream" that would make me want to go all out and against all odds to work for. I will play the guitar and keyboard when I want to, I will travel when I am allowed to, I will move to another city/ country to work if the opportunity arises. I am simply waiting for things to happen, for opportunities to knock rather than actively pursuing it. Perhaps it is momentary because of C but who knows? Your dreams will fuel you, so never never lose your dreams. 

Some people tell me perhaps aiming to buy your own home could push you - not really as although I do envy people who have their own nice cosy loft, I desire to be a global citizen with the seven seas as my home. Buying a nice big house with a mortgage will only keep me locked in like a cage. How about starting a family? That is even scarier. I love kids to be honest but I cannot imagine being tied down by a kid for the next 20 years of my life. It is not about the physical responsibilities of feeding, changing diapers, etc. but the education, upbringing, and associated worries that come with it - whether the child is healthy, whether the child will grow up to become an upright person, etc.

I am a strong believer of "no pain, no gain". Everything in life has to be traded. Nothing comes for free. People trade in their freedom to gain companionship - a spouse and child(ren). People trade in their time for status - a C-suite personnel having to look at emails all time, sacrificing time with their family, sacrificing their hair and brain cells for their position. People trade in their privacy and self-worth to become celebrities - taking in people's abusive remarks and criticisms. People trade in their own lives to save other lives - a medical professional in a pandemic. People trade in their innocence to grow up. There are so many more examples, and there is simply no right or wrong. It is all about perspective and what you are after in life. What did I trade in for my profession? 

Someone once told me that I was innocent and naive (in a good way) when I was 18. I let my feelings dictate my decisions. When you get older, your decisions tend to be more thought-out because your feelings will not be your sole consideration. I did not understand what that meant at that time. Now that I am all grown-up, I am thankful that I once received these words of wisdom. I am a very "young at heart" person, known as a chatterbox in my younger days, enjoys cracking jokes, etc. but as I age, I feel that I have to behave more maturely and considerate towards others. I joke less because I am not sure if my unintended words would hurt my recipient. I dare not speak my mind because I feel it is unnecessary - you should never have to waste time trying to convince someone. If you do, it means you share different POV and having differences is what makes us similar. I become quieter as I respect privacy, differences, etc. To a certain extent, some of my friends/colleagues tell me that I am too tense and serious at times or that they think that I am a shy person. In my heart, I tell myself that these people who make such comments about me do not know the real me. I used to be labeled as opinionated, outspoken, outgoing and bubbly back in school. I guess this is all part and parcel of growing up but I do reminisce about the past from time to time; times when I could be who I am freely, not having to care about how others will judge me or if my actions would hurt anyone. No one has the ability to remain a child all their life so we have to accept what comes our way. Perhaps it is not that they do not know me but that I have changed. I am no longer the me when I was 18/20/22. Whether it is the old me or the new me, I have to live with it. 

With that, I sign off my last post of 2020 with my resolutions for next year:

1. Learn swimming

2. Return to tennis

3. Be happy - be less serious, joke more and relive a little bit of my 18th year old year

When I was young, I wanted to be extraordinary. I want to be different; break out of the mould of having a good education, good job, good family, beautiful house in my home country, hence I left home. Today, on the last day of the year, I saw a saying that actually stirred up some emotions in me - 这一生志愿平凡快乐，谁说这样不伟大呢？In English, it means "Who says an ambition cannot be as simple as living an ordinary and happy life?" It struck a chord in me because I was watching a drama recently and the actor in the show also transitioned from a typical white office collar to becoming a star. When he shot to fame, he then faced some criticisms which honestly is no fault of his. It made me wonder - what made him decide to enter showbiz when he had already had a decent job and could live a simple and peaceful life away from the blinding lights and cameras of showbiz and be subjected to public scrutiny, especially entertainment is also a highly competitive industry and one having to face newcomers that probably started training at a young age and making their debut at half his age? It does not seem like his life dream was to become a celebrity because if he did, he probably would have started much earlier neither did he seem like he was doing it for money. I guess only he himself knows and GOD knows. 

With that, I sign off: If I were to choose again, I would still choose to be extraordinary and made the same choices that I did. 

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