After 16 comes 17.

Well, the title says it all. This is one post that everyone can expect from me till the day I kick the bucket. Like I said, there is no better way than to set resolutions for yourself each year and then at the end of the year, evaluate yourself against them.

2016 started off pretty well but the road got a little rocky as I close another chapter of my book. I was not surprised because I knew I had to go through this phase of employment seeking eventually, despite me starting in April/May in the year itself. Before writing this, I took a good look at my 2016 NY Resolutions and to my surprise, I actually managed to accomplish most of the tasks that I set out to do.

Milestones:

I had always wanted to visit South America, the last continent missing on my travel map. Unfortunately, I could only cover 3 out of the 5 countries. I guess I was a little too ambitious to want to cover 5 countries in 3 months. Nonetheless, I am glad I made the right choice to take things slow and thoroughly explore Peru and Bolivia. My time in SA was definitely one of the highlights of my year, trekking to Machu Picchu and the Rainbow Mountains hike were my favourite. I like Bolivia too, especially Lake Titicaca as well as La Paz. I love going back to basics and through these experiences, they make me a stronger person.

Next, I am glad I made it to the Balkans, striking Croatia and Serbia off my bucket list! :) My time in the Balkans is indescribable by words for there were too much emotions involved. I love visiting all these off-beaten tracks in the world. It is a pity though that I did not make it to Russia and also do the Transiberian railway but I guess that can wait. At least I made it to Ukraine and I have no regrets.

Besides travelling, I am surprised to strike off item #2 on my 2016 NY Resolution! I had wished to get an internship in the US in finance or apply to an international organisation. No doubt I am not working full-time yet in an international organisation but I believe this will open doors for future position and to me, the experience is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. When I met Mr. Ban Ki Moon and shook his hand, I reflect about my life ten years ago in my dormitory room back in NUS. I was determined to polish my writing skills and forced myself to read the newspapers for 2 hours everyday, combing every section starting from Prime to Home and eventually Money and Sports. It was sheer determination that got me through those days and that was my very first encounter with this name, with Lebanon, Israel and the Thai Coup. Life is full of surprises as who would have imagined that young girl 10 years ago would become who she is today, to have a Lebanese and a Jewish flatmate 10 years later and also meet this inspiring figure in her life? I feel that I preach so much about dreams and I try to take steps to get to where I want to be but along the way, I always feel that I have not done enough or that I could be better and sometimes I even forget about what had propelled me forward to accomplish those things in the first place? It is only at this juncture that I write my 2016 milestones that I see this as a comfort that I have achieved more than I imagined and that I had not lived my life in vain.

As for item #5, which also happens to be the very last item on my list usually, it has always been related to personal development, not material wants or concrete tasks. That is to stay positive, be giving and appreciative. I feel that I have accomplished much in this aspect all these years, in fact I am too optimistic at times that when reality hits, I sink really low. I believe in horoscope and I think I am a typical Sagittarius. I do feel low from time to time but in front of others, I am always motivating, encouraging and positive. However, I would not say that is merely a facade but a true reflection of my inner self for the majority of the time. In general, I am a very positive person. Why live through a day filled with negativity when a smile is all you need to make someone else's day and eventually yours. As for being giving and appreciative, I have my own ways of going about that and I shall let people who have received my acts of kindness and appreciation attest to that. My appreciation is summed up in my Valedictory Speech. :) That said, I would still like to thank everyone who appeared in my life, lend a helping hand, share a story, inspired me, encouraged me, supported me and loved me.

So what then is in store for me in 2017?

I am going through a pretty difficult phase for now, whereby I do not know what is my next step in life and am leading a life whereby I myself have no idea where I am going to be in the next 2 months. In a nutshell, it means I am waiting for things to happen. This is not a setback but rather a hurdle that I have to cross to my next step to achieving other milestones. As N used to observe about me, I am someone who likes to be in control and this situation of not being in control of anything creates fear for me. I have been diligently sending resumes and searching for suitable positions that I may possibly fit. In total, I have sent around 40-50 resumes thus far but I know that is nothing compared to what my peers shared with me. They have sent hundreds of resumes before they finally land one job opportunity. If I can send less than a 100 and get employed, then I am very fortunate and should count my blessings. Of course there are those who got hired through a few resumes, be it through networking, connections or whatsoever. These are things in life that I will never have and will be impossible to have, considering my circumstances so I guess I will just have to go the hard way. The only reason why I am still not depressed and taking things in my own stride is probably because I have gone through all these difficult phases a million times in life and in a way, I am so scarred that one more of those scars is not going to hurt. LOL. Furthermore, my optimism puts me in good stead to face any imminent storm.

Sometimes I ask myself why is it that I cannot simply get by and face the reality of going back home and continuing my tuition business. Maybe I have been intoxicated but I believe there is more than I can accomplished, just not yet.

I have lost track of the number of persons who have asked me about love, marriage and settling down. I have had this theory to explain my situation for the longest time ever but I usually do not bother to explain to people who will not understand. I will simply tell them, "I have no interest in marriage", which technically is not a lie but a summary of my conclusion. I am an Economist and to us, life is about choices and consequently opportunity costs.

I believe that there is a perfect fit for everyone in this world, that very person who understands you, loves you unconditionally and that you will not want to let go of him or her even till the very end of time. However, there is a search cost involved to locate this person. Search costs might not simply be the monetary ones such as gifts given to the wrong person (hahaha!), but it could be costs such as (emotions) undergoing many failed relationships to better understand what it is that you seek in life, days and nights of tears and tissue paper wasted to wipe off tears after having broken up with someone, time lost to dating the wrong person, thinking that you have met the right one but turns out otherwise, etc. Nonetheless, it is not a total loss situation. We learn and become more mature over time, pick up skills like baking, picking the right type of flowers, saying the right things to our partners to make them feel happy, etc. (if you want to count the free sex, that is fine as well). From this, we come up with a net search costs (Costs - Benefits).

Everyone will have a different net search costs value, positive or negative. People with a positive value (Costs > Benefits) are those who see recovering from a broken relationship to be very high in costs so they would rather wait and not jump into every possible relationship each time an opportunity arises. Alternatively, it could be that they derive a very low benefit from enjoying the perks of being attached; goodnight messages, hugs and kisses, presents, companionship (most important I feel); unless it is from that someone that they desire at the bottom of their heart, they don't derive much utility from being together with the wrong person. The implication is that such people would very likely stay single for a long time or forever or be with their perfect fit.

The opposite is true of those with a negative value. They can afford to try out many different relationships and derive a lot of benefit from having their 2nd half around. It does not matter whether they are dating the right one because they derive utility even from their non-perfect fit. They are more likely to end up settling for the 2nd best or give up this search for their perfect fit. That said, they are the people whom we see settling down. 

What then are some of the factors that can affect the costs and benefits?
1. Age - When you are younger, you long for companionship a lot because you are trying to find an identity for yourself and you need to build confidence. Your friends and loved ones are the only things that you "own" or "possess" so you derive a great utility from their actions and companionship. As you start to build your own career, you derive more utility from realising your dreams and consequently companionship is less important for you. However, beyond a certain threshold and when you achieved much success in accomplishing your dreams and having your dream career or owning the appropriate material wants, the utility that you derive from these things dwindle nd now you long for companionship once again. I imagine it like a U shape curve utility for companionship.

2. Culture - Culture definitely plays a pivotal role. Asian Vs Western cultures - importance of family Vs Individualistic mind set, etc. This would also bring other factors such as matchmaking, peer or family pressure into play.

3. Personality! Are you the kind who is willing to compromise or you are the typical perfectionist at heart?

I would not say that one is better than the other, that settling for 2nd best is an inferior outcome to finding the perfect fit. It can be argued that people who have negative search costs are as likely to meet the right person because they have more attempts at trying out different partners. In addition, I believe that if the search costs are high when young but start to turn negative with age for some. These people will give up the search.

At this point in time, I am glad that I still have you as a reader on this page. It is a very complicated model that I have here and I am still trying to refine it and make it better while writing but these are my preliminary ideas. Perhaps I should consider writing a PhD thesis on this (LOL!)

What about me myself? I know very clearly that I am the the first type, whereby there are very high search costs in place and that best explains my current situation, more than just "I am not interested in marriage". :)

Forward to 2017, I have thought of some new resolutions (not wishes) and I hope I can sustain this pursuit of happyness in my life journey. I do not want to write something that is uncertain because I am not wishing for something. It has to be something that I can work towards and that I want to work towards to as well so I suppose it will be fewer than last year. I hope to devote more towards work and development rather than travel, unlike the last year.

1. Learn to play the guitar/piano.
2. Find a job in finance or an international organisation (permanent position or at least fixed-term contract) or at least in strategy/ data analytics. After all, you can sense/ feel my passion for Economics from what I wrote.
3. Be resilient, tenacious and positive going forward.

I guess if you really pay attention to my posts, you will realise that I blabber a lot and set fewer goals when I am "lost" and "uncertain" unlike in the last year. Lol!

As usual, I end my post with a quote for the new year:

Two things define you. Your patience when you have nothing, and your attitude when you have everything. 

I guess I have been through both phases to truly understand and appreciate the meaning of this quote.
*p/s: Pardon any typing mistakes or grammatical error because I have been writing all day and my mind needs a good break before the year comes to a close.

366 days ago

Unknowingly, 366 days have passed and I am finally at the doorstep of the big 30. As I looked back at my life, I have had lots of ups and downs and I realise all my life, I have been fighting. I took a walk to Brooklyn Bridge, had Japanese food for dinner and watched a piano concert. It was my childhood dream to learn how to play the piano but unfortunately, financial circumstances at home did not permit it. When I grew older, I felt that it was too late for me to pick it up again so till date, I still cannot play the piano. At this stage of my life, I am transiting but I told myself that if I make a successful transition, I will try to learn how to play the piano. I am not aiming to become a world-class pianist, I just hope that when I am alone at home, I can play something for myself.

So while watching the concert, I cannot help but think that resources is indeed everything in this world. Sometimes, I really wish my parents had spent more time and money nurturing us and developing our talents. We never had anything as kids, because we could not afford it. I am where I am today because I worked for it. I paid for all my adventures overseas and worked for every single thing that I wanted in life - my education achievements, my career, my material and non-material desires. It is not that I blame them for we cannot choose what kind of a family we were born into but sometimes I wish they had made a little more sacrifices for us and maybe we would have be so much different today, given our innate abilities.

That said, I am still thankful for everything that I had in the past 30 years. Imagine taking my first flight at the age of 20, I have now been to 50 countries in the world and this is one childhood dream of mine that came true, or perhaps the only one that came true. LOL. I have lived half a lifetime - along the way, I have collected so many unforgettable memories and happiness but at the same time, there is still plenty of unaccomplished work. Fight on, G!

Roller coaster emotions

Life is just this unpredictable. I was feeling all good when I arrived in NYC, and reported to work at the UN on my second day in NYC. After work, I walked to Times Square and that very moment, I felt that I was on top of the world and that I have not lived in vain. The very next day, I was told that I could not apply for a P-level job in the UN within the 6 months after my internship and my heart sank. I came back home, and all that I wanted to do was to sleep. I woke up the next day, looked through some SNS and once again questioned myself, "What the hell am I doing?" Why ain't I in Cambridge or LSE and maybe now I would feel good about myself.

I really do not know if I had made the right decision to come here and do all of these. For a moment, I miss a particular place so much and want to be transported there immediately. Then I realise, life goes on and instead of feeling all negative and pity for myself, I should start working for my next step again.

Setting Sail Once Again

As I am writing this, I am on my way to New York, commonly known as the Big Apple. I never expected myself to do this, go on an unpaid internship and in a foreign place far away from home. 

I did not have such uncertainties or anxiety when I left for the UK a year ago because I was going to Europe, a place which I know at my fingertips. Be it the culture, language, places, etc. Now, I am completely foreign to NY and not know what to expect. I have to start work a day immediately after I arrive and I do not know how I can adapt to life in NY. 

I was hesitant about going on this internship initially because of financing reasons for I have to burn another huge part of my savings to pay for rent and living expenses. However, it is the UN! 

I have always dreamt of working for an international organisation, be involved in work that can have a global impact etc. so I simply cannot give up this chance. There is no guarantee that I would be employed eventually but this is a risk that I am taking and I hope it is an investment that can reap returns. 

As I sit on the plane and write this, a lot of thoughts flashed through my mind. First, I thank God for giving me so many different life experiences to empower me to pluck up my courage to set sail. I have been adapting to change constantly my entire life and this is not any different. Although the outcome may be positive or negative, for if I do not find a job in NY eventually, I will go home broke and stressed over my next step in life. However, at least I have had the opportunity to work in one of largest organisations in the world. Life has always been smooth-sailing for me and I have been very blessed, that I cannot or should not ask for more. 

Second, I have my family and friends to thank for this. First, Yee Leen for introducing me her friend, Alina, for she will be such a big help in terms of helping me to settle down in the city asap. Besides, YL has always been my listening ear, someone whom I pour all my sorrows and grouses to. Though we chat less these days, I always appreciate her presence and her friendship. She is very positive and always takes setbacks in her stride. I like her motto, “Complain less and do more”. Second, my lil sister who sees my dreams and encourages me to pursue them. I know that my departure will once again leave a void in the family and it is selfish of me to leave my parents behind and my sis to deal with them. Their support to me is something that I can only be grateful towards eternally. Like I told Bro, if you love someone, do not clip their wings and stop them from scaling to greater heights in life. The conversation that we had hours ago before I took flight once again left me something to ponder on. I told Bro that I will feel like a big fish in a small pond if I were to stay in Singapore but now I am probably gonna be the smallest big fish in the big pond. It hit me hard when I said this, was I too self-conceited? I have confidence in my own working capabilities though I may not be the smartest person on earth or not even the top 10% in Singapore. However, I believe in my own attitude; perseverance and positivity which will tide me through even the darkest hours of my life. I hope to make them proud when I eventually return home after 3 months. The most important takeaway from that conversation for me was “humility”. I am starting from ground zero and I have to be patient and humble to pick up the ropes and keep an open mind. 

Third, NM! 😃 I do not know why but he gave me so much strength during my time in Serbia. Everything that he told me about himself, life, politics, the world, and me made me so determined that I cannot tiptoe through life. It would be wonderful if I were to stay in Singapore, continue my teaching career and tuition as a side business. My family will be happy since they want me to be around and I will have all the money in the world to travel. However, that thought does not strike a chord in me. I will not feel accomplished the day that I close my eyes, at least that is what I think. This is my last leap into the unknown because if I were to fail this time, I know I will have to go home and face my fate and lead an ordinary or normal life. 😔  Although he may have lied in his stories, since he always tells me “not to trust a Serb” and “not to trust him”, my gut feeling tells me that he does not lie to me at the very first instance. Everything that he told me about himself is true. He always says that I spread positivity propaganda to him, and I believe that I have motivated him to work hard and lead an extraordinary life but he does not see the opposite. He does not know how much what he said to me, meant to me. For he sees my dreams and believes that I can accomplish them. Many people will not understand what I seek in life or believe in me, but he DOES, even though it may just be a lie. I do not know how life would turn out for him eventually, but I hope that he will not be one of those smart people who will be unhappy because expectations fall short of reality. I was once stuck in this pothole and I felt miserable. I may have to undergo these emotions once again in life with this decision that I made but NM made me feel like, “you can dictate your own future”. Make the right decisions that will lead you to your ultimate goal. We want to be different, we dream big and want to achieve big and we made a promise to wait for each other at the finishing line. It would be amazing if we could journey together and provide the much needed support but unfortunately, we have very different values and beliefs and what he wants to achieve might not be what I want to achieve. But I am so thankful that I met him, for he changed my life in a span of 6 days. I promise, “To live well and stay on the bright side of life”. If the world is filled with lies and conspiracies, I am glad this one lie changed me, for the better or worse, we will have to live through it to know the answer.

A brand new challenge

 It has been 5 months since I last posted anything on this blog as life has been nothing short of busy. Travels for 2-3 months, living life on a bag pack and then 1 entire month of working on my dissertation. Everything winded down gracefully, learnt a lot along the way, met many people who inspired me, encouraged me, served as a reminder to myself, etc.

In a few hours, I am setting off on another brand new adventure to U.S.A., commonly known as the New World. The Big Apple is a dream of many, just like Paris had always been a dream of mine. Before I know it, I have been to Paris for five times but I will never get enough of the city I guess. Then again, if I were to live in Paris, I will be so sick of the throngs of tourists that commute everyday and crowd around the Eiffel Tower, Louvre Museum and what not.

There is so much that I want to write about on my travels in Bolivia and Peru and subsequently in the Balkans. It will take me some time to get down to this for now, I have to focus on searching for an apartment in NYC and then also a job. :)

I was very hesitant about doing this internship initially but the people that I met along the way made me want to do this. I found courage in the most unexpected moments in life and from the least expected people. There is a lot of uncertainty confronting me but all my life, I have been used to adapting to a new environment. I learnt how to close the chapters of the book, titled "My Life Story" with less pain and grief over time and to look forward to new adventures more positively and adapt faster to change.

NY, it has to be everyone's dream, including me. :) But mark my words, I will be back to write about all my adventures.

Curtains are drawing

Time seems to have whizzed past me once again in the last 8 months. It was not too long ago that I packed my bags and left my country for new adventures. In the last 8 months, I have been very fortunate to have forged many new friendships, hopefully lasting ones as well. I have always been able to warm up to people easily in a new environment but it takes longer for me to allow them to walk into my life and discover who I am as a person. However, once that barrier is crossed, I grow an attachment towards them and find it hard to say goodbye.

In 2 weeks' time, I will have to say goodbye to all these friends of mine and saying goodbye has always been really difficult for me. I am afraid I will tear, because I will probably not see some of these people for the rest of my lives. There are others, however, that I have made promises to visit and reminisce about the old times together in the not so distant future. This week has been particularly hard for me, I do not know why, perhaps withdrawal symptoms from my last two trips with these awesome people, first in Rio and then in the Amazonian rainforest. It has been a long time since I had such strong withdrawal symptoms, the last I remembered was when I returned from Israel and I was so overwhelmed by everything that I had seen there. It is worse that we are preparing for our final exams so we do not go to school and do not get to talk to each other. We are basically cooped up in our own homes.

In Amazonia, we were cut off from our mobile phones because there was no mobile network so I was constantly chatting with my friends, about anything under the Sun. After we returned, I find myself talking to a few of them constantly on messenger and WA because we had kind of grown an attachment during the trip. You know who will sit right next to you on every boat ride, who will not be too far away from you so as to be able to offer a helping hand, etc.

As I look back at our time here, I realise that we spent the most time together when we were in the UK because we were living in close proximity and there were so many events. I am particularly proud that I managed to organise the International Food Festival, not just because of the food but also for keepsake purposes.

In Spain, I was travelling a lot more and I was sick for a week so I missed out on some activities. Nevertheless, whenever I was around, I was sure to join them for a trip and also organised a few dinners with Diego, Sergio, Carlos, Bernardo and Eva. :) How I miss those times.

Moving forward to Brazil, we continued our rendezvous to Chapada, Rio, Amazonia, steak house, etc. I once wrote about a set of lyrics, that any stranger may unknowingly become a person whom you are so close with. Diego and Sergio were the first people I went to the supermarket with in the UK, and though they were not so open at the start and I tried really hard to keep conversations going, definitely not as sociable compared to Alfonso, I am so close to them these days I don't know how it happened?

I know new adventures lie ahead of me, I will make new friends along the way and these people will slowly fade out from my life. Nevertheless, the bonds that I have forged with the people here will stay with me for life. This time round, farewell is much harder than in Stockholm.

Extreme Human Behaviour

I have a classmate whom I am not particularly close to but I always find it easy to discuss with her world issues - corruption, income inequality, moral rights, life choices, etc. and over a caipirinha yesterday, we were discussing about human evolution. We came to the conclusion that mankind simply has not evolved much over the years. In the past, when war descended upon a nation or territory, it was reckless killing and raping of the women. Now, a bomb is dropped and the entire village dies. It is a matter of suffering while alive, because you had to undergo the trauma of being raped and watching your loved ones suffer, and now, simply dead with the dropping of a bomb. How different is it then? Why is the use of bombs chastised and not the invasion of the past? I would rather have a quick death than be tortured alive.

We also had a discussion about refugees and the crisis in Europe. I know that it is immoral to deny these refugees a place in Europe because they are running away from war. However, if there is an influx of refugees, more than what these camps can handle, it causes the living conditions in the refugee camps to deteriorate and everyone else suffers. Countries that take in refugees also need to know where to draw the line and say, "STOP", we are not taking in anymore. As long as refugees know that there is still hope of them escaping to Europe or some other country, they will try and keep coming. Thus, I think finding the right balance is important. We try to save as many people as we can but we cannot try to save everyone such that eventually, the entire ship sinks. My housemate told me about a story of a Lebanon family selling all their assets so as to acquire the status of a Syrian refugee and escaping to Europe. When they found that the living conditions were worse than what they had back home, they decided to return, but only to have nothing back at home. These are issues of moral hazards and shouldn't they be safeguarded against? 

Another discussion that we had was about suicide bombers. Some of them were threatened to take on this task, either to protect their families or for a compensation that will feed their family. Is it then right to take away innocent lives elsewhere, family members of other people, just so that you can protect your own family? Which life is more precious? Can we put a value to it? If suicide bombers can do that to protect their own family, then what is stopping Europeans from trying to protect their own loved ones against terrorism and controlling the influx of foreigners? 

For me, I want to stand on the side of justice and fairness and avoid putting myself in a moral dilemma as far as possible. If I had to kill someone else just to protect my family, I am sure my family will understand why I am unwilling to do it? How about if the lives that I am going to take away are people with sickness or have done bad things in life? Will my judgment be different again? 

I share this video from this stand-up comedian, George Carlin. It is one of the best videos that I have watched, talking about extreme human behaviour. It sounds cynical but it is so reflective of life. :)

If you give yourself 5 minutes to cool down, would you still write this post?

I once read a book from Mitch Albom which speaks about how the existence of social media has made people less able to control their emotions since they will update their status and write about all their whims and fancies on their social media account. Hence, I always told myself that before I post anything online, give myself time to cool down first and think if it is something that I truly want to write about and leave it permanently on this world.

I treated myself to a McDonald's meal before I decided to sit down and write about this incident. I know I have a cool head. A can of worms was opened when our coordinator decided to ask us to decide among ourselves when our examinations would be. It was a "I should fight for my own rights" battle and there was of course all sorts of arguments being put forward. Just yesterday, I was looking through some photos and reminiscing about the wonderful times that I share with a friend of mine. I realise that we have huge differences in cultures and also ideologies but I value her friendship. Nonetheless, I could feel the gap growing because I am not willing to confront these differences and tell her how I feel honestly.

I wanted to send her a text and ask how she is doing but it did not take too long for me to feel disappointment in her actions. I do not understand why someone can selfishly decide to go ahead with certain plans without sparing a thought for others, and then tell lies subsequently to cover up her own selfishness, masking it with altruism. I feel so disgusted about her actions that I do not even know how to hold another conversation without hiding my disdain for her actions. I definitely need some time to erase this episode from my memory and regain my usual self. This is not the first time that I have such negative feelings towards her. How can you advocate honesty and integrity when you are committing the same act that you express your disgust towards? People who cheat and lie and feel that they will lose out if they do not do likewise like others, F* off, I feel even more disgust towards you than towards someone who blatantly cheat and admit to it. You are equally despised. I do not think anyone is entirely honest and has never told a lie in their entire life before. It all depends on the reason behind your lie for me. I appreciate our friendship, because she has done really nice things for me but for me, if someone can lie through their teeth, it makes me shiver because now, I can no longer distinguish if those gestures were genuine or just one of her hypocrite acts. I prefer to stay away from such people.

Once bitten, twice shy. Learn from your mistakes. These lessons never stay with me for long. I hate unfairness, people who play around others to their own advantage. I like impartiality and upon reflection, I know that how in the process of fighting for equal rights and equity has landed me in deep shit. Each time, I tell myself to let go and care less about fairness but I never learn from these lessons. If I ended up in another situation where impartiality is called into play, I still find myself fighting for the rights of others, without asking if that was what they wanted.

• I pity others who have to slog for 4 exams on 4 consecutive days. But what has it got to do with me? Maybe they do not mind. It is not me who is going through this shit, why do I bother? 
• I hope that we can end the exam a day earlier so that we can have a birthday celebration and maybe a farewell party for one of our classmates but why do I bother? Maybe he does not want to celebrate his birthday or no one wants a farewell party. 
• I feel that 23 people should not have to sacrifice for 1 person's own visa or travel desires but then again, why do I bother? Maybe the 22 others do not mind at all. So what am I trying to fight for? 

I find myself in a silly and endless battle with fairness. I will always be on the losing end. I hate myself for wanting to stick by my "principles". I complained about how my dad's insistence on living by his principles has gotten him nowhere all these years and yet how different am I from him? Screw "principles" in life for once. I want to stand on the side of justice and I disagree with her actions because I felt that she went ahead with her plans despite knowing that this will cause the examinations to be pushed back. If she had openly told everyone about her circumstances and everyone, out of goodwill and compassion, agreed to it, I will be fine and support her too. What disgusts me was that she went behind all our backs and wrote directly to the coordinator to tell her that she cannot make it for personal reasons so all of us had to accommodate her. How about the rest of the people who had to complete 4 exams in a week because of her self-centredness?

What's more, what would stop her from going behind my back and stab me someday when a conflict of interest arises between the two of us? Choose your friends wisely. 

Should I feel lousy?

2 more months till the end of my course and it is time to get down to work to prepare to settle down for the future! Times like these, I always feel so lousy. I was setting up my LinkedIn account and in the process, I chanced upon the profiles of many of my peers. I have to admit that I feel a little lousy because many of them have already accumulated the right corporate experiences and in a way, pave the way for a lifetime career. On hindsight, my teaching experiences do not count towards anything.

Nevertheless, my time here has taught me that the definition of success is varied and I am feeling this way because my definition of success still encompasses social status and my career. When I return to Singapore, I could go back to my old profession - teaching or tuition and earn big bucks but I know this is not what I want. To me, this is not a career that I feel that I should be in at this stage of my life. Money is definitely not the motivating factor otherwise I would not have left home in the first place. Although I admit that when I see my friends posting pictures of their new cars, new houses, branded bags, etc. I do feel that maybe I should simply settle down and make money my motivation. However, I just feel that they do not bring me satisfaction that is long-lasting. I know that I would not be truly happy if I were to just continue with my tuition business and bring in the bills for material wants.

So I try to cheer myself up by reminding myself about how much I have achieved in the last 6 years. I have always wanted to travel around the world, to meet people from different cultures, live abroad, etc. and I have accomplished much in this aspect. A few months ago, I read an article about how someone commented that all these travel experiences do not count towards anything when you truly want to settle down.

To face reality, have I been successful in the last 6 years? Teaching is a profession that you can always glamorise it by claiming that you are contributing to society and helping to mould the future of the nation. I am proud of what I have done in that field, helping to shape and touch lives from the bottom of my life and not doing things for the sake of doing it. However, when I want to be forward looking, of what use is my teaching experience?

I have travelled to all the continents in the world, except Antarctica, and once again upon reflection, what use is that for my future career? LOL. It is not something that I can put on my CV but I am not complaining. The memories from those trips are keepsake for a lifetime!

I am not sure if I will still go down this path if I were to be given a time machine to return to the past. The grass on the other side is always greener but I guess I do not have regrets about my decisions. I feel that I have underachieved in life and this makes me feel a little lousy but no pain no gain I guess. I would not have been able to travel so much if not for my job as a teacher.

Life is about knowing what you want and pursuing it against all odds, even if people around you tell you that is not the way forward. After all, you only live once so live it the way you want but be prepared to face the best and the worst moments because that is part of the journey.

Love and Family

I had many conversations about love, marriage and family these days. I feel the need to pen all these conversations down and hopefully some day when I look back, these conversations will bring a smile to my face.

A friend of mine told me that she believed at different stages of our lives, we need a different person or companion. To her, if your partner is no longer the person whom you need at that stage of life, then what is stopping you from leaving him or her and go in search of another person. As a result of this mindset, she does not believe in marriages. Marriage is just a piece of paper to bind two persons together but if that person is still the person whom you need in your life, then even without marriage, the two of you will stick together. However, if the opposite is true, then that certificate ties both of you down and brings about unhappiness. I have so many real-life examples around me and to Asians in general, divorce though becoming more common is still something not favoured. A part of me agrees that when two persons no longer value the existence of each other, why not let go? Nevertheless, when one forms a family, it is no longer about two persons but also the children in the household and how a divorce could possibly affect them. I always feel that marriage and starting a family is never the problem of two persons but two families and consequently, the kids that follow.

In response to my friend, I feel that indeed we constantly change and maybe we require a different person to walk through this life journey with us at different stages of life, however, it can be the case of two persons who decided to spend the rest of their lives together changing and adapting to new found circumstances. I do not think that one should just flight when they feel that problems and differences exist between them. Sometimes, I walk away from people whom I cannot relate to anymore, but I always try to salvage the relationship before turning away. This ensures that when I do, I have done my best.

Another conversation that struck me a lot was a conversation with a guy from Central Asia. He told me that in his country, the youngest child, if he is a boy, will live with his parents after marriage and take care of them until they aged. Since he is approaching marriage age or perhaps exceed, his parents or in particular, mother, might have found him a wife. I was a little shocked because I found him to be quite modern and westernised and never expected arranged marriages to be still a tradition. His reasoning was logical - he will have to live with his parents after marriage and he hopes that his wife will be someone who can get along with his mother or someone that his mother likes. This will reduce conflicts. In his country, a woman is still expected to stay home and take care of household chores and the children after marriage. He was honest with me that if a woman wants to be independent and have a career, then she will not be able to find a husband in his country because the majority of the men would prefer to have a stay home wife. In his opinion, there is no such thing as true love, or freedom to love and in pursuit of love, find the person who you will love and live with for the rest of your life. He will have to shoulder the responsibility of the household after he gets married and learn to take care of his family; parents, wife and children. We posed many hypothetical questions to him such as, "What if the girl that his mother chooses is not someone that he likes?" or "What if he finds a girl that he truly loves but his mother does not like her?"

His response was that he will respect the wishes of his mother. In his religion, they believe that a mother is like a tree that provides shade and protection to her children. A child who lives under the care of the mother has the best of the world, so he believes that the girl that his mom chooses for him is definitely the best and most suitable for him. I have so much respect for that because I am not someone who will simply listen to the wishes of my parents and abide by their bidding. Parents would feel so loved if their kids have that mindset, I guess but I am just not that kid. I want freedom to make my own choices in life and then live with those consequences. It is back to the question of how much information do you feel your parents have in relation to yourself. I do not think that my parents know much about the world, because I feel that they have fallen behind, lacks education, etc. I do not despise them but I just feel that they do not make decisions taking into account all available information, myopic, etc. Hence, I listen to their advices and take whatever that I think is useful but I will not do whatever that they tell me to. Sometimes I do not want to start a family because I do not hope that someday my kids will feel the same way towards me like I do towards my parents. That said, if I do have kids, I will want them to explore this world on their own and just be there to catch them when they fall. :)

时不时都会有如此的感受，感受到某一个人对另一个人不一样的情感。很感激有如此的遭遇，给了我自信心，感受到关怀和温馨。它是一种说不出的感受，我觉得我的直觉是对的但这世间，不是所有的相爱都能相拥。如果遇到一个你真正深爱的人但却不能和他在一起，那么就珍惜你和他所有美好的记忆。你会继续你人生的旅途，会遇上另一个较适合的人并且和他走完你的这一生，但时不时，你还是会去触碰你心里的那一个小角落，因为你深爱的那个他仍然住在那，不曾离去。正所谓你得不到的永远是最好的而他在你心里，依然完美无缺。这份最真诚的爱和回忆，就让它像一个微笑一样冰封在你心里和脸上。

善于看透人心，这样好吗？

今天决定用中文写下这几个月的感想。我觉得自己是个善于看透人心的人，虽然这让我能轻易地保护自己，远离将会伤害自己的人，不让自己受到伤害，但是过程中，我可能也太早地断定某个人可能不适合和我交朋友。有时候，因为善于看透人心，会知道某个人对你不是真诚的。若不是真诚，那我是否该假装然后继续和他做朋友还是应该减少接触呢？

我不能说我对某个人的判断永远是对的，有时候我对一个人的了解不够深入，缺乏某些讯息，所以没法真正地了解他的一举一动，比如他的成长经历或生活状况。有一位朋友和我分享一套理论，让我思考了很多，而我也非常牠同意他所说的。人与人之间的沟通，完全就是一个传达信息的过程。 和一个人对话时，如果信息对衬的话，彼此就比较容易成为好朋友。如果不对衬，你会想尽办法去说服他个人，可是成功与否将决定你们接下来的沟通。

我觉得越有智慧的人，进化信息约快并且想得越多的人，会比较难与人沟通并且相处。想法单纯简单的人，不会在意别人所说的或做的，因为他们消化信息的能力可能比较低。人生对于我而言，就是要懂得如何去找到一个平衡点。

打个比例，有些人很愿意去认可别人，总是给予称赞与认同，尤其西方人。身为一位来自东方的人，虽然受到很多西方教育和文化的影响，我觉得我对于给予赞美这方面还是稍微收敛一些。我忠于诚实，当我给予称赞时，那肯定是因为我对那事物或人有着极度高的评价和欣赏。虽然愿意去给予别人称赞和认可的人也较容易得到回馈，可是对我而言，那是不真实的。我有尝试去改变，就多认可别人可是我觉得那始终不是真正的我，我也无法一直背着自己心里的想法去“讨好”别人。最近我得到了另一种见解，去认同一个你内心不真正认同的事件，会给予他短暂的快乐，如果这快乐能变成一种动力，导致将来这件不真实的赞美变成一种真实，那为何我们不愿意多称赞别人呢？假如虚伪的称赞没有变成一种动力，那么虽然对自己没有造成任何伤害，至少对方也得到了短暂的快乐吧。

我始终是一个爱放远视野的人，我宁可别人对我诚实也不要面对他人的虚伪。相同的，我也选择对他人诚实。不过，忠言逆耳吧，我个人的原则还是必须在诚实的过程中不伤害别人。

Now it is time to switch to English. I find that it is very hard for me to be BFF with people who are too idealistic. I admit that I am a pragmatic person, perhaps because of my upbringing or education. Culture also has a big part to play in this. People who are idealistic believe in trying or having a go at everything, however for me, I prefer to analyse the situation and engage in activities that I feel is worth my time. When we were at the theme park, the operator did not allow us to take the ride again, requesting that we join the queue again. My friend stood there and tried to reason with her. For me, I will simply walk away and just re-queue. To her, she was just trying her luck and maybe it would succeed. The same thing happened today when we were trying to buy food at the university canteen. The vendor wanted me to show the passport and I did not. For me, it was simple and that was to go to another ticket office who would accept my student card. However, she stood there and tried reasoning with the sales staff. Although she succeeded, I felt it was unnecessary.

To her, I was being practical and not persistent. Nevertheless, to me, I hate engaging in long discussions and reasoning with people, especially when it is something that I consider 芝麻绿豆. However, I take positives away from idealistic people. They have the courage to give a shot at everything in life and that is very tiring. You face rejection along the way and have to pick yourself up and try again. If you do not try at all, you do not face rejection but you also limit your options, I guess.

To relate another story about me being an observant person. My friends and I were out at a celebration event yesterday. A "beggar" came around and started asking for money. We all had different reactions. Two said "NO" firmly without any eye contact, a friend and I simply ignored, while a friend of mine said "NO" with a smile. We started to discuss about our reaction. The friend who smiled and said "NO" felt that we were being very rude when we refused to even acknowledge these "beggars". I could feel her disgust when she saw our reactions, as she felt that we were being inhumane. "Beggars" are humans too and they deserve some respect and dignity. By ignoring them, we were treating them as "worse" than animals and not deserving of any form of acknowledgement. If I were in Singapore, I would have done likewise as her. However, in Brazil, I am just unwilling to give any acknowledgement, even so in many developing countries that I have been to. I am afraid that any form of acknowledgement will make them pester me (from my experiences) and I worry about safety and what not. I wanted to explain to her how I felt but I think she has already formed a certain opinion of us and there was no point in trying to justify our actions so I kept quiet. This is another situation of information asymmetry. It is also my attitude towards life I guess whereby I do not see the need to explain myself further when someone misunderstands me.

To me, I felt that she was being unrealistic and in my opinion, is something that I feel towards many Western Europeans. All her life, she has lived in Europe, hardly been to any developing country and how much does she know about poverty? Many of us from developed countries live in a bubble, seeing only the beauty of this world. Sometimes, I am guilty of that too. However, my travels have made me more aware of the dangers of this world and perhaps to a certain extent, more protective of myself. Thus, I rather not have any eye contact with these strangers, not because I dislike or disdain them but more of not knowing what might come next. I do not think that I am right, or that she is. I do not know why but I did feel a little guilty when I simply ignored these "beggars". Perhaps she is right, we were being inhumane by not even acknowledging them.

For me, my takeaway is that I always try to confront my own feelings, insecurities and mistakes. I want to learn from them and I know that this is the only way to make myself a better person. This has caused me unhappiness along the way and you need to have a strong heart to not feel depressed subsequently. You need a lot of confidence and a clear mind to regulate your emotions too. Some people run away from these reflections but that will not stop them from feeling depressed either.

Could you help me please?

I have been wanting to write about a lot of things lately but I have been procrastinating. Finally, I have taken the step to move my lazy fingers and start typing! :)

In the last 8 months, I have made friends from all over the world and learnt so much about their culture. When my mom used to tell me a famous Hokkien saying of "One type of rice gives life to a hundred personalities in life", I did not fully comprehend the meaning behind this saying. I guess after these 8 months, I can finally resonate with this statement.

I am someone who hates to trouble others. I would rather spend money to get things done than to ask for favours. I feel that when you first approach someone for help, the other party simply sees it as doing you a small favour. However, over time, they get sick and find you a nuisance. Some of my friends are very used to asking for favours from others. Some are less annoying than others but nonetheless, people judge them. I do not dislike them because of them knocking on my door from time to time, because I have a very good relationship with the bulk of my friends that I made here. Though I admire their ability and courage to keep asking for help (because I am not so thick-skinned to keep approaching others), I cannot concur with their behaviour. I know that no one is an independent entity in this world so when we extend a helping hand to another person, some day the other person will return the favour when we are in need. Nevertheless, there is no guarantee that some people will not take advantage of another's kindness and take others for granted. For me, I do not mind helping others, and I do not expect anything in return honestly, but I still will not want to bother others as much as possible. When I was really sick in March, the kindness extended by some of my friends is something that I will never forget.

For example, I have classmates who ask others for their notes, when they do not pay attention in class, choose to be on Facebook, chatting on their phones, etc. In my opinion, I detest such behaviour because I feel that one should be responsible for their own learning. The person who is taking notes has his or her leisure taken away by paying attention in class, while you want to enjoy your leisure and free ride on his effort later. So, this is a taboo for me.

Then there is this classmate of mine who asks people for favours and help ALL the time which I find really irritating. Maybe it is her manners or inclination. When she needs help, she expects you to help her and continuously bothers you. Even the kindest person in my class has his patience wearing thin with her. She gets mad at you when you step on her tail, forgetting how much kindness and help that you have shown her and I find it really ridiculous.

I realise that I find a lot of quirky behaviour around, not directing at anyone in particular:

• You are thirsty or hungry, but you do not want to spend money on buying water or food so you ask another person for a sip of water. To me, how much does a bottle of water cost? Just buy it. 
• You do not want to spend money on buying an sim card for data, so you go around searching for free wifi and then borrowing your friend's mobile phone for data. There is a difference between not being able to get a network to work and not wanting to pay for something and then going around asking. How different is it from begging? 
• You go to a restaurant for food. You ordered yours and then your friend asks if he or she could have a bite of yours. Some people just want to try everything that they see but I really dislike it because have you ever thought that the person simply does not want to share with you but find it hard to say "NO"? I personally dislike sharing saliva and when people ask if they could share my food, I really feel like rolling my eyes but having to act socially appropriately means I could not do it. This is really a cultural thing because in many Western countries, the culture is more individualistic and people usually will not behave in this manner. 

At the end of the day, when you always ask for favours from others, it means that you cannot reject them when they ask in return. Sometimes, it is not that others are unwilling to help but that it is awkward for them to, so why put them in such a difficult position in the first place? A little a day goes a long way, so even if you are just asking for a small favour, it irritates people. For me, I will try my best to extend help to others, only if I find that they are worth the effort, they are people whom I want to keep as friends for the rest of my life and also those who have once helped me. One has to learn to say "NO" at appropriate times and not bite off more than you can chew, I guess.

Just my two cents' worth.

The world and I

At the end of this year, I would hit the Big 3. Life as a young adult has not been all smooth-sailing but my experiences in the last 7 months have made me realised how blessed I have been though. To meet people from less developed countries and to live in a developing country where there is so much bureaucracy have made me appreciate Singapore a lot more. Nevertheless, all these bureaucracy and uncertainties that I face and the possible risks that I have to undertake are part of the experience of living in a less developed country. I told myself repeatedly that I have to learn to embrace the good and the worse with a smile. My life dream is to travel the world, and before I turn 30, I am glad to say that I have finally left my footprints on all 6 continents in the world, though incomplete. For Africa, I have not been to Sub-Saharan Africa but yes, someday I will be there. Coming to South America was the hardest for me, not just because of the distance but also fears for safety and also the language barrier, but I am glad I overcame the obstacles and finally stepped foot on this beautiful yet a little daunting continent.

Not many people will understand my desire to travel around the world, to meet people from different countries and cultures but I need no one to understand me. 

If you would, you could just sit a while with me in Nature, see the Sun rising and setting, under a sky full of stars shining on us, at the edge of cliffs, near the waterfalls, on countless train rides, etc. When you hear the sounds of Nature, you also hear what my heart is shouting. No words need be spoken and nothing will hurt us. I will feel you close to me and maybe then, we will walk hand in hand till the end of time. 

Be careful what you wish for

Unknowingly, it has been 2.5 months since I have been in Spain. I have little time to write about my life here because I have a very hectic schedule and travelled twice to meet my cousin and my family. It is always good to be able to see your family when you are miles away, have them visit you and since I enjoy travelling so much, I love to share with my family all these beautiful places that I have been to.

This is our first family trip and honestly, logistics wise, it was difficult. Mom has a hand injury and she is always tasked to NOT do anything. The weather is cold and a little rainy at times and considering that this is the first time for many of them in Europe, it was a little harsh on them. Of course, there were times when we got really upset with each other and tolerance and patience were crucial. I shared with lil sis about how I feel towards mom over the last few years. Patience is wearing thin because I feel that I have grown up, experienced so much in life and in a way, I feel that my life experiences are way beyond that of my parents. I can no longer be the little girl who listens to  their hearsay from their friends or family members. Reason being that those hearsay come from their uneducated friends and family members, who know nuts about the world, in my opinion. I might sound a little self-conceited but I know everyone out there who is more educated than their parents will concur with me. It is not just about life's lessons, values and virtues but also about how to go about our daily lives. I believe in Science and knowledge and not hearsay or traditions, needless to say superstitious practices. That explains why over the years, I get frustrated when my parents try to educate me with their so-called beliefs. I do not think that I am arrogant because I was once an educator and I know what are the important values to impart to the next generation and believe in being the right role model.

My parents simply have ways to irritate my siblings and I, mom constantly nagging and giving instructions on how to deal with things and dad bragging about his fitness and knowledge every other day. I wonder if they ever look in the mirror or sit down and reflect about their lives, as to why they have achieved nothing after living all these years. I know that it is unfair to use my own yardstick to measure how much they have achieved in life because some people just want to live a serene life and not care about fighting for anything. That said, they should also give me the room to pursue my dreams and not hold me back.

After all these grouses about my parents, I then fell really sick a week after I parted ways with them. When I was sick, I woke up in the middle of the night umpteen times because of the pain. In pain and fatigue, I reflect about my relationship with my parents and there was guilt and a little remorse but I know that a strained relationship is always the fault of both, never one. With dad, I have nothing to say because he was never there when we were kids. He cannot blame us for not reciprocating the love because there was none in the first place.

With mom, the best analogy is like that of a race. When I was a kid, she was the runner in front of me, and I was always trying to play catch-up with her. Though she was in front of me, she looked back at me all the time. She encouraged me to run a little faster and eventually I gathered strength and caught up, and even overtook her as she slowed down. Now that I am ahead and look back at her, I find her no longer the gigantic figure in front of me but so tiny because she is so far behind me. I have forgotten to look back at her. I recall the times when I brought her overseas, to China, Maldives, Taiwan, etc. I love bringing mom on my adventures because she brought me to this world and I want to show her the world, and enable her to see how beautiful and vast this world is. The life lessons that she imparted to me stay with me, a selective few, even till today. Along the way, I have forgotten about making sure she did not fall too far behind me and when it happened, I simply did not look back anymore. I felt upset when I thought about these things but I believe it takes two hands to clap.

In the 6 months that I left home, I never once called home, unlike when I was on SEP. How on earth did I not miss home anymore? I have no idea but it did happen. The world is never a constant, people and mindsets change but I realised that my parents did not, in particular my mom. A friend of mine shared with me an interesting story about how he felt information asymmetry is the main reason why people have to communicate otherwise relationships with break down. I cannot agree more because I feel that this was what happened between mom and me. I no longer tell her about my plans in life because I dislike it when she goes around telling others, neighbours or her siblings, etc. I am someone who loves privacy and want to be undisturbed in my own little bubble so I hate it when people whom I am unfamiliar with come by to ask me about my plans or to a certain extent, question me because that is what some of my relatives indulge in. When this communication channel is cut off, both of us suffer. Some of my friends confide in their moms frequently and I wish I could do likewise with my mom. We used to be able to but no longer now and I do not know why. I believe things happen for a reason and let nature take its course, I guess.

When I was sick, my friends' concern for me was the saving grace and I thought about my mom. I know she is old and some day she will leave me for good. I have never stopped loving her in my heart but when the communication channel got cut off, this love lost its transmission channel. I told myself that my concern will be the one precious thing that I cannot be stingy with when someday, mom becomes ill. Sometimes, I want to tell her about why our relationship has become strained but some things are better left unsaid I guess. I am sick of handling her frustrated tone when I try to thrash things out with her. Maybe some day, when my mom leaves me for good or the other way round, we will both regret not having iron things out and show each other more love while we are still alive. Maybe, perhaps but I believe it takes two hands to clap and make a relationship work. I know that some day when I become old and slow, I will then be able to put myself in the shoes of my mom. Nevertheless, I hope my mom understands that I love her, no matter what happens, even if it is left unsaid.

A life like fireworks

I have always enjoyed watching fireworks, and even having watched them live and up close a million times, I still get excited over it and look forward to catching them. So while I was watching fireworks on New Year's Eve, I told myself that I hope for a life that is like fireworks. Happiness at every stage of my life can be short-lived but each journey or phase of my life must be filled with anticipation and excitement. Short but fulfilling. Some people want a life that is pretty much predictable and stable but no surprises or uncertainties or without crisis. I guess it is all about personal preferences.

One civilisation at a time

I have learnt much about the Egyptians, the Chinese, the Jews, and this time round, the Arabs in the West. My first visit in Morocco was to explore the desert and hence, I had not learnt much about the Medina. Maybe I did but my short-term memory when it comes to events made this visit to Fes, one of the most preserved Medina in the world, one that fed me so much information. I have a better understanding of the Arab or Moslem way of life and their accession to power.

The meaning of 'Medina' according to our tour guide is "independent city". I liked how he started off with the tour by saying that the Medina reflects civilisation, whereas in the world we live today, modernity speaks for everything. In ancient times, perhaps due to attacks by nomadic tribes or lack of proper sewage systems, electricity cables, etc., people live within enclosed walls. In the Medina, all buildings should take the colour of earth i.e. brown or beige. All houses in the Medina have no windows, paintings and decoration because these features reflect a person's wealth and there should be no display of richness or wealth inside the Medina. All houses look the same in the exterior, except for public buildings and palaces for the governors or Kings. Inside the Medina, you will be able to find 3 types of houses, the most basic one is a house with patio (courtyard), followed by one with a garden (riad) and lastly a casa i.e. or a palace. A casa is characterised by a big door, a balcony and likely to have windows with holes on the second floor. In Summer, the families live on the ground floor because it is cooler but in winter, it will be too cold so they sleep one floor above instead. When someone knocks, they can look through the holes in the window to identify the guest. The purpose of the patio is to allow light to shine in so that even without candles or light bulbs, the house can be lit. As these information were fed through my brain, I was processing and trying to imagine the way of life in the olden times. No light bulbs or electricity and sunlight is the only way to light up the house in the day without burning candles.

See the wooden barrel-like image on the top left corner. There are tiny holes, for the host to look through to see who their guest is.

The Medina is also divided into different neighbourhoods and connected by a door. When the sun sets, the doors are closed. The residential area is separated from the commercial ones and each trade is concentrated in a particular area inside the Medina i.e. external economies of scale in action. Whenever I used to tell my students about technological advancement, we relate to transportation tools like ships, airplanes, and cars, and also internet but at this very moment, I realised that I have neglected a small yet extremely significant invention i.e. light bulbs. Without light, there would be no way to power our homes at night and enable us to fly all day and night to all corners of the world.

One other thing that the tour guide mentioned and left a deep impression on me is how recycling was actually done in the Medina, way before any marketing campaigns were being done in the developed world. Rotten vegetables were used as animal feed for horses, donkeys and mules, sawdust were used to warm the water for the public baths, hammam, olive fig and pigeon droppings were in leather tanneries, bones from slaughtered cows and camels were used to make doors or decorative items and skin to make leather. It is with modernisation and scientific revolution that brought about plastics, glass, etc that needed to be recycled. It has its pros and cons because it has enabled us to live in better comfort, convenience, and efficiently.

In addition, there used to be public bakeries where families will bring their dough to and have them baked. Households were discouraged from setting up their own fires to cook lest they burn down the house. Wood is often used to reinforce the mud and stone walls of the Medina to prevent earthquakes so they are vulnerable to fires. When I came back to the UK, my classmate cooked a type of traditional food in his country and told me that it takes approximately 2 hours to prepare it. There are many other dishes that take an even longer time to prepare. At the back of my mind, a city girl like me will never waste so much of my time on cooking. It is not about whether I enjoy cooking or not, but more of me seeing it as an inefficient allocation of my time. LOL. I will come to this topic in the future. However, in the past, people hardly have any leisure activities, needless to say time-consuming ones like social media (Facebook, instagram, etc. are way too addictive) and hence cooking was a way to socialise and they did not mind spending long hours preparing their food.

The tour guide also shared with us about his perspectives on the rich-poor gap and social mobility. He felt that in the Medina, social mobility is easily accomplished. A young man who has just gotten married will build a house with a patio and as his income increases, he is able to buy a bigger house and provide a better life for his family. Narrow streets inside the Medina often meant that the house plying these streets are huge ones. However, since the exterior looks plain, there was no comparison and less likely to evoke jealousy among the poor. I agree to a large extent on this but depending on the personality of the individual that is in the less advantaged position, the outcomes might turn out very differently. When you see your friends sharing their new car or house or new holiday destinations, you might be jealous or filled with envy at the very first instance. Next, should you see this as a form of motivation to work hard so that you can realise your dreams as well OR should you let your jealousy take control and you continue to dwell in your own misery of not having rich parents or a well-paid job that can finance your material wants or you engage in crimes and decide to rob your friend or some other rich guy. Ultimately, you always make the choice and your choices shape your future. Your destiny lies in your own hands after all.

Where you see narrow streets, you expect huge houses. We had to walk through extremely narrow streets to get to the riad that we were staying in. It is an amazing riad, beautiful and comfortable. However, the journey there was less so. It did not help that we arrived late at night and the streets were quite dark. I feared for my life honestly.

Buildings in the Medina can have two doors or one door. A house with a 2 doors have a smaller door within a larger one. If they are both open, it means that it is open to the public. With the smaller door, a guest needs to bow before he can enter a house, which is a way of showing respect to the host.

Likewise, in the entrance to all religious places such as mosques, mausoleums, etc. there is a bar seen in the picture below. This means "no entry to animals" and we also need to lower our heads before we can enter, a mark of respect.

No cars or any modern inventions is allowed in the Medina, not even bicycles I think so the way to transport items is via animals. I learnt an interesting thing about mule. They are the hybrid of a horse and a donkey. The body of a female horse (She-horse) but the head of a male donkey (small brain?). So are they dumb? They cannot reproduce among themselves. :(

Decorative items made using animal bones.

The leather tanneries. Unfortunately, the place is closed for renovation until next month and we are not able to see and smell for ourselves the process of leather making. Summarised steps of making leather from hide: Wash and clean skin from slaughter house --> soak in water for 25 days to cleanse it --> Use limestone to scrub the skin so that the wool on the skin will peel off --> wash and put it into pigeon poop to soften the leather --> scrub away fats left on skin and then dry --> soak in dye. The entire process takes 5-6 weeks so this explains why hand-made leather is so expensive because it involves too much work. I am a little torn between hand-made and manufactured goods. The tour guide was very dismissive about mass production brought about by the industrial revolution. He feels that they are of lousy quality and lacks uniqueness. I think it depends on your personality. I have had this discussion with my dad before as well. In the older days, you want to buy a high quality product and use it for years until it has fully depreciated. However, these days, it is about BUY and THROW AWAY. We no longer covet high quality goods that can enable us to use it for a lifetime. Instead, we are constantly looking to change our clothes, shoes, etc. so we would rather buy something that is cheap but will not last as long. It does not matter because we would want to buy something new eventually after a few years. I guess the term "generation gap" sums it all. Yes, this is Western consumerism whereby we are always wanting to BUY and CONSUME. There are pros and cons. It helps to drive the economy but then it may deplete resources available for the future. So, what then? I find that as I age, I increasingly lose the thirst to want to buy new gadgets or items unless they have decided to retire. Perhaps it comes with age. I would rather save the money to travel and see the world.

I must say that one of my biggest takeaways from this trip is my new-found understanding of Islam as a religion. Coming from Singapore, we learnt from young that we have to respect the different religions around the world, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, etc. I grew up in a Taoist family whereby my grandmother is superstitious and attributes everything to the hand of the gods she worship. When others criticise her religion, she gets defensive and says that they do not know anything. I kind of disdain this whole finger-pointing and criticisms because I do not see how these superstitions and beliefs have in any way brought about a better life for her family i.e. my mom and her siblings. However, I fully respect that she has the right to practise her faith but I reserve my right to choose a religion.

The symbol of Islam is the 8-pointed star to represent the 8 gates of heaven in Islam. This image below has a very special explanation according to the tour guide:

The centre yellow shape represents Mecca, and the dark triangles surrounding it represent the worshippers. The black cylindrical shaped-like image with a pointed edge points toward the path to centre. The white lines represent the different paths of life that Men take and they are intertwined to represent the various ups and downs of life. The 5-pointed stars surrounding it represent the 5 pillars of Islam. The choice of colours can also be explained. Black and white represents contrast and I guess life - right or wrong, true and false, etc. Blue is the colour of the city, Fes, and green is the colour of Islam. The use of yellow is to portray tranquility and calm in our lives. The calligraphy above are verses from the Koran. The guide did explain how they are being carved but I did not quite understand it. Since I was travelling in South of Spain prior to going to Morocco and the region has a lot of Islamic influence, I saw many of such patterns and designs in the buildings but I did not understand its significance. With Fes as the last stop, I finally found the last piece of the puzzle.

Of course, I do not know how much of what the guide said is true. It is all up to our own interpretation but it is always good to have a new perspective to add on to my wealth of knowledge.

This star also has a very unique interpretation. They are made of square blocks and cylindrical ones. The squares represent women and they are meant to be static and provide stability. The cylinders are mobile, you can turn them which signify that men should be mobile and go out to work and bring bread home.

See the windows just beneath the arc. They are special windows, I cannot remember the name of it, whereby women inside the house can see out but others cannot look into nor see them.

Fes has one of the first universities in the world which is now converted into a mosque and religious schools. According to the guide, only the brightest students who are interested in religious studies can study here. They need to be well-versed in the Koran and also one other book (cannot remember the name). One interesting thing is that when you look in the direction of the arches, you are actually facing Mecca.

And I also learnt much about their disdain for the left. I used to wonder why my Malay friends always eat using their right hands even though some of them write with their left. In their culture or religion, they believe that left is evil and right is good. One should always eat with their right hand and not their left because when they do, they are sharing their food with the demon or Saturn. One should always walk on the left so that if they pass someone who they know, they can shake their hands using their right hands. Soldiers draw their swords which are placed on the left side of their body to kill their passing enemies. I vividly remember someone telling me that in ancient times, you should not be a left-handed because you might get killed. I think one left-handed man was Galileo Gallili which is why the church dismissed his findings about the Sun being the centre of the universe and not the Earth and they wanted him killed.

The guide also told us a joke about the left-handed boy whom Saturn got fed up with. Mothers usually teach their kids to eat with their right hand because if they do it with their left hands, it means that Saturn is eating with them and taking away their food. However, this is one poor boy who eats only olive and bread and always eats with his left hand. So one day, he saw Saturn's image in the bowl telling him that "Please listen to your mother. I am sick of eating your poor food, olives and bread."

With that, I have finished writing about my adventures in Fes, Morocco and I find it an especially meaningful trip because I have learnt so much more about another civilisation. This image overlooks the city of Fes and taking it at dusk makes it even more beautiful! Apparently Morocco is a word that means leather (perhaps in Latin or English) and Morocco got its name because of its fame in the leather industry. Although I find my tour guide a little extremist in his views, I was actually interested to listen to his views. It is through interactions like these that you stumble upon people with such diverse and extremist opinions and then you learnt about the world. You will never experience this if you bury yourself in books because they have no emotions and they are always moderated to reflect a more neutral standpoint. I do not subscribe to my tour guide's beliefs but I appreciate his candid sharing because it has helped me to understand the world and what is happening around it.



Life is a continuous process of discovery. I have learnt so much about the Balkans from my Balkan classmates and I would love to visit the region soon. Another civilisation that I am waiting to explore is the Inca in Machu Picchu. After that, it will be Russia and now, a new one on my list - Central Asia. Uzbekistan is my next exotic destination after hearing so much from my Uzbek classmate! I just cannot stop travelling but I only have limited time!!!


The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page. ~Augustine of Hippo

2015 going on 2016.

Unknowingly. another year has passed. I have been doing this new year reflections ever since I started blogging and honestly, it is a good way to help me develop as a person. I looked back at whatever that has happened, the positives and negatives, say my appreciation for the people and things that have happened and then set my new year resolutions. It is a simple thing to do, but how many of us actually bother to look back and see how much we have achieved rather than focus on what we are currently lacking.

Last year this time, I ended an epic 2 month trip to Europe and I gained numerous insights in life. I must say this has been a splendid year, with me achieving much more than last year and personally, I feel satiated with what I have set myself out to achieve and also with what I had gained.

Milestones:
I completed my CFA finally! A random decision 3 years ago while doing my personal reflections in 2012 made me decided to embark on the pursuit of the CFA charter. I knew that I did not have the relevant qualifications but to me, it is about disciplining and continuing to improve myself even as a grown adult. The road has not been busy, especially at the first levels, with ,e struggling to balance my work commitments with self study. I bite the bullet and I am glad I survived.

I worked in NUS and met 2 extremely kind souls, Dione and Melvin, who have indirectly influenced. They are always willing to lend a helping hand, very giving people and also tend to see the good side of others. Though we might not keep in contact forever and the time that we know each other is relatively short, they have had very positive influences on me.

Next, I am finally pursuing my Masters! I have always wanted to do a Masters overseas so as to be exposed to different learning cultures, meet new people and also enhance my knowledge in economics. Rigour wise, this might not be the toughest and although I have learnt some of the content in NUS, the application of the theories into the real world has enabled me to gain new perspectives towards economics. I am glad that I took this plunge out of my comfort zone. I met loads of new friends from different corners of the world and each of them has a different story to share with me and taught me valuable lessons and shared experiences with me. I am particularly close to a few, Mariana, Stepan, Nemanja, Tom because I spent a large part of my time with them and I am so thankful for having them in my life. We participated in the All-Nighter Entrepeneurship and honestly, I love our business idea and maybe some day I will implement it. I have learnt a lot about Brazil, Bulgaria, Serbia and the civil war and the Balkans, Russia, even new insights from Tom about China and also from Daniel, my badminton friend and mentor. I picked up new skills in badminton as well, thanks to Dan. I represented the college in the BUCS competitions and that is a fulfilment of my teenage dream to represent my school in a sports. It has not been easy, and playing in a competition really requires a cool and calm head.

Last but not least, I embark on yet another travel adventure to Andalucia, South of Spain and also to Morocco. It was good revisiting Marrakech and walking down memory lane in the Jemaa-el-fna market but even better to visit fes. I am really glad that we hired the local tour guide who shared so much about the Medina, Muslims, and Islam with us, despite his extremist views. I will blog about these adventures another time. My travel companion, Linky, also taught me a lot of life lessons, not explicitly but through our arguments, conflicts and also talks on long bus and car journeys.

Lastly, I did accomplish something an item on my 2015 New Year Resolution. I set out to learn Spanish and during the first 6 months of 2015, I diligently did my lessons everyday. I started to slack subsequently, especially in August while I prepared to move to the UK. However, I am satisfied with my progress and I am sure my Spanish will get better when I move to Spain in January and I will continue my Duolingo lessons. When I was in Spain, I could get around with some basic Spanish and this small taste of success provided motivation for me to press on to pick up Spanish since I know I am not very adept at learning new languages.

Moving on, I hope I will live a fruitful 2016 and I have some plans laid out. I do not know how many of these items on my New Year Resolution will materialise but I will definitely put my foot on the pedal and make things work out.

1. Visit South America - Brazil, Argentina, Peru, Chile, Bolivia are the 5 countries that I hope to cover.
2. Get an internship in the US in finance or apply to a finance company or an international organisation. I want to put my CFA knowledge to use and become a global citizen that contributes to the betterment of the world.
3. Visit Russia and do the Transiberian railway
4. Go to the Balkans.
5. Stay positive, be giving, and appreciative.

It seems like more than half are related to travel but this is probably the last time that I will have any long holidays to discover the world. After I finish my Masters, I will then have to embark on a second career and have less time for leisure. Many people ask me this question, "Why do you love travelling so much?" There are many reasons but for me the most compelling reason is "I enjoy it because I find myself becoming a better person after every travel adventure."

This quote sums it all up, "Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere (especially when travelling), and sometimes in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself." So many a times on my travels, I discovered new insights and outlook towards life and they have helped me to become a better person. So, I guess I will never stop travelling.

Thank you everyone who has appeared in my life in 2015 and helped me to develop and grow as a person. The most important people, nevertheless, are my siblings and parents who have ever been so supportive when I venture out to pursue my freedom. They are the most important pillars of my life, especially my siblings, because their faith in me and their presence whenever I needed someone to pour my frustrations to, give me strength and motivation to propel on. I will not trade them for anything.