Love and Family

I had many conversations about love, marriage and family these days. I feel the need to pen all these conversations down and hopefully some day when I look back, these conversations will bring a smile to my face.

A friend of mine told me that she believed at different stages of our lives, we need a different person or companion. To her, if your partner is no longer the person whom you need at that stage of life, then what is stopping you from leaving him or her and go in search of another person. As a result of this mindset, she does not believe in marriages. Marriage is just a piece of paper to bind two persons together but if that person is still the person whom you need in your life, then even without marriage, the two of you will stick together. However, if the opposite is true, then that certificate ties both of you down and brings about unhappiness. I have so many real-life examples around me and to Asians in general, divorce though becoming more common is still something not favoured. A part of me agrees that when two persons no longer value the existence of each other, why not let go? Nevertheless, when one forms a family, it is no longer about two persons but also the children in the household and how a divorce could possibly affect them. I always feel that marriage and starting a family is never the problem of two persons but two families and consequently, the kids that follow.

In response to my friend, I feel that indeed we constantly change and maybe we require a different person to walk through this life journey with us at different stages of life, however, it can be the case of two persons who decided to spend the rest of their lives together changing and adapting to new found circumstances. I do not think that one should just flight when they feel that problems and differences exist between them. Sometimes, I walk away from people whom I cannot relate to anymore, but I always try to salvage the relationship before turning away. This ensures that when I do, I have done my best.

Another conversation that struck me a lot was a conversation with a guy from Central Asia. He told me that in his country, the youngest child, if he is a boy, will live with his parents after marriage and take care of them until they aged. Since he is approaching marriage age or perhaps exceed, his parents or in particular, mother, might have found him a wife. I was a little shocked because I found him to be quite modern and westernised and never expected arranged marriages to be still a tradition. His reasoning was logical - he will have to live with his parents after marriage and he hopes that his wife will be someone who can get along with his mother or someone that his mother likes. This will reduce conflicts. In his country, a woman is still expected to stay home and take care of household chores and the children after marriage. He was honest with me that if a woman wants to be independent and have a career, then she will not be able to find a husband in his country because the majority of the men would prefer to have a stay home wife. In his opinion, there is no such thing as true love, or freedom to love and in pursuit of love, find the person who you will love and live with for the rest of your life. He will have to shoulder the responsibility of the household after he gets married and learn to take care of his family; parents, wife and children. We posed many hypothetical questions to him such as, "What if the girl that his mother chooses is not someone that he likes?" or "What if he finds a girl that he truly loves but his mother does not like her?"

His response was that he will respect the wishes of his mother. In his religion, they believe that a mother is like a tree that provides shade and protection to her children. A child who lives under the care of the mother has the best of the world, so he believes that the girl that his mom chooses for him is definitely the best and most suitable for him. I have so much respect for that because I am not someone who will simply listen to the wishes of my parents and abide by their bidding. Parents would feel so loved if their kids have that mindset, I guess but I am just not that kid. I want freedom to make my own choices in life and then live with those consequences. It is back to the question of how much information do you feel your parents have in relation to yourself. I do not think that my parents know much about the world, because I feel that they have fallen behind, lacks education, etc. I do not despise them but I just feel that they do not make decisions taking into account all available information, myopic, etc. Hence, I listen to their advices and take whatever that I think is useful but I will not do whatever that they tell me to. Sometimes I do not want to start a family because I do not hope that someday my kids will feel the same way towards me like I do towards my parents. That said, if I do have kids, I will want them to explore this world on their own and just be there to catch them when they fall. :)

时不时都会有如此的感受，感受到某一个人对另一个人不一样的情感。很感激有如此的遭遇，给了我自信心，感受到关怀和温馨。它是一种说不出的感受，我觉得我的直觉是对的但这世间，不是所有的相爱都能相拥。如果遇到一个你真正深爱的人但却不能和他在一起，那么就珍惜你和他所有美好的记忆。你会继续你人生的旅途，会遇上另一个较适合的人并且和他走完你的这一生，但时不时，你还是会去触碰你心里的那一个小角落，因为你深爱的那个他仍然住在那，不曾离去。正所谓你得不到的永远是最好的而他在你心里，依然完美无缺。这份最真诚的爱和回忆，就让它像一个微笑一样冰封在你心里和脸上。