If you give yourself 5 minutes to cool down, would you still write this post?

I once read a book from Mitch Albom which speaks about how the existence of social media has made people less able to control their emotions since they will update their status and write about all their whims and fancies on their social media account. Hence, I always told myself that before I post anything online, give myself time to cool down first and think if it is something that I truly want to write about and leave it permanently on this world.

I treated myself to a McDonald's meal before I decided to sit down and write about this incident. I know I have a cool head. A can of worms was opened when our coordinator decided to ask us to decide among ourselves when our examinations would be. It was a "I should fight for my own rights" battle and there was of course all sorts of arguments being put forward. Just yesterday, I was looking through some photos and reminiscing about the wonderful times that I share with a friend of mine. I realise that we have huge differences in cultures and also ideologies but I value her friendship. Nonetheless, I could feel the gap growing because I am not willing to confront these differences and tell her how I feel honestly.

I wanted to send her a text and ask how she is doing but it did not take too long for me to feel disappointment in her actions. I do not understand why someone can selfishly decide to go ahead with certain plans without sparing a thought for others, and then tell lies subsequently to cover up her own selfishness, masking it with altruism. I feel so disgusted about her actions that I do not even know how to hold another conversation without hiding my disdain for her actions. I definitely need some time to erase this episode from my memory and regain my usual self. This is not the first time that I have such negative feelings towards her. How can you advocate honesty and integrity when you are committing the same act that you express your disgust towards? People who cheat and lie and feel that they will lose out if they do not do likewise like others, F* off, I feel even more disgust towards you than towards someone who blatantly cheat and admit to it. You are equally despised. I do not think anyone is entirely honest and has never told a lie in their entire life before. It all depends on the reason behind your lie for me. I appreciate our friendship, because she has done really nice things for me but for me, if someone can lie through their teeth, it makes me shiver because now, I can no longer distinguish if those gestures were genuine or just one of her hypocrite acts. I prefer to stay away from such people.

Once bitten, twice shy. Learn from your mistakes. These lessons never stay with me for long. I hate unfairness, people who play around others to their own advantage. I like impartiality and upon reflection, I know that how in the process of fighting for equal rights and equity has landed me in deep shit. Each time, I tell myself to let go and care less about fairness but I never learn from these lessons. If I ended up in another situation where impartiality is called into play, I still find myself fighting for the rights of others, without asking if that was what they wanted.

• I pity others who have to slog for 4 exams on 4 consecutive days. But what has it got to do with me? Maybe they do not mind. It is not me who is going through this shit, why do I bother? 
• I hope that we can end the exam a day earlier so that we can have a birthday celebration and maybe a farewell party for one of our classmates but why do I bother? Maybe he does not want to celebrate his birthday or no one wants a farewell party. 
• I feel that 23 people should not have to sacrifice for 1 person's own visa or travel desires but then again, why do I bother? Maybe the 22 others do not mind at all. So what am I trying to fight for? 

I find myself in a silly and endless battle with fairness. I will always be on the losing end. I hate myself for wanting to stick by my "principles". I complained about how my dad's insistence on living by his principles has gotten him nowhere all these years and yet how different am I from him? Screw "principles" in life for once. I want to stand on the side of justice and I disagree with her actions because I felt that she went ahead with her plans despite knowing that this will cause the examinations to be pushed back. If she had openly told everyone about her circumstances and everyone, out of goodwill and compassion, agreed to it, I will be fine and support her too. What disgusts me was that she went behind all our backs and wrote directly to the coordinator to tell her that she cannot make it for personal reasons so all of us had to accommodate her. How about the rest of the people who had to complete 4 exams in a week because of her self-centredness?

What's more, what would stop her from going behind my back and stab me someday when a conflict of interest arises between the two of us? Choose your friends wisely.