My little niece

Before I left Singapore, I spent a huge amount of time with my little niece. She has grown much in the last few years. She drew me a nice card saying that she will miss me and that she loves me. Kids, they are the world's most precious beings. Their emotions are so true, unfortunately they do not stay as kids for long. When I think about her, I feel like going home and spending more time with her. I might miss out on a corporate career, which is what I have been longing for for the longest time ever, but she will not be a kid for long. Life, why do you have to make choices so tough?

31 things to say for a month, post script

I cannot believe a thread named "31 things to say for a month" that I started 3.5 years ago had such a huge impact on me 24 hours ago. I re-read every single one of those 31 posts and found those posts to be so meaningful and a true reflection of my inner feelings and the kind of person that I am. I wrote them based on how I felt at that very moment and I could really see and feel for myself how much I have changed from 9 years ago when I started this blog and now.

I like especially the posts that I dedicated to my family members, perhaps because I have been away for too long and absence makes the heart grow fonder. I always send postcards to my family members and close friends whenever I travel because I think nothing beats receiving news of your loved ones while they are far away and from time to time, you think of them and cannot help but wonder how they are coping with life. People often talk about the language of love. I believe for me, it has got to be words. Three months ago, I would have no clue as to why I value writing and blogging so much and how this blog managed to survive despite my hectic schedule but the most meaningful saying that I come across last year, "Speaking is like having a conversation with a moment but writing is like having a conversation with eternity." uncovered the real reason. Being the perfectionist that I am, I covet eternity and writing does just that. However, as I age, I realise that nothing in this world is eternal. Promises are meant to be broken, "I love you forever" is often said but forever does not mean till death do us apart literally, just figuratively because time heals all wounds. I cannot comprehend how is it that two persons who were so madly in love with each other once can break all ties overnight and become enemies. Surely people change and maybe you will find each other incompatible but there should not be any love lost, right? However, reality is never on my side when it comes to these thoughts and perspectives. Therefore, if I know that a relationship is not going to last forever, then I would rather it had never begun. Perhaps that explains why I never say those words "I love you forever" easily, rather I opt for #foreveralone. I will never desert myself so no matter how quickly times would change or how fast people would move on and out of my life, I still have myself with me.

Those emotions that overwhelmed me last night also made me decided to send a postcard to my sister. I once had a conversation with her about why I choose to be #foreveralone but I sincerely hope that she will be able to find a life partner. Not everyone is suitable for such a lifestyle, to have to deal with all sorts of problems and setbacks by yourself. I feel that I have crossed the hurdle of knowing how to find peace within myself and enjoy my ME time without being conscious and affected by how others would possibly judge me and label me as a "loner". This explains my globetrotting adventures and this fighting spirit in me that nothing can get me down in this world except myself. However, my sister is entirely different from me. My love for her made me conscious that I do not hope that she will be like me to have to walk through this journey of life by her own will without a shoulder to lean on during the darkest hours in her life. No doubt she has me but I cannot be around forever and it is not easy to find a confidant as you get older. A lot of single women out there either have a faith or religion or even a soulmate to edge them on, just like my Er Jie who has God in her heart.

Lastly, I may feel uncertain and insecure now but I guess this was what I wished for 2 years ago when I left my job, to experiment with life and leap into the unknown. I find comfort in that I have not been entirely consumed by my fears thus far although there were days when I felt really lousy and simply buried my head in the pillow for hours.  At this moment, I am glad that I wrote those posts 3.5 years ago because they reminded me that this was what I had wanted to do with my life. I am someone who sticks with whatever decisions that I make because I am aware that I never make rash decisions that would cause myself to regret later. Since I did my best given whatever information that I had at that point in time, what is there to feel sorry about subsequently?

I believe with my optimism, resilience and the love and support of the people around me, I will continue to advance through life with a smile on my face and appreciate the surprises at every corner.

冷的脸色 是证明自己坚强了
当我寂寞 默念这世界不会丢下我

时间的电影 结局才知道
原来大人已没有童谣

我们都要把自己照顾好
好到遗憾无法打扰

So well said.

Be careful what you wish for

Unknowingly, it has been 2.5 months since I have been in Spain. I have little time to write about my life here because I have a very hectic schedule and travelled twice to meet my cousin and my family. It is always good to be able to see your family when you are miles away, have them visit you and since I enjoy travelling so much, I love to share with my family all these beautiful places that I have been to.

This is our first family trip and honestly, logistics wise, it was difficult. Mom has a hand injury and she is always tasked to NOT do anything. The weather is cold and a little rainy at times and considering that this is the first time for many of them in Europe, it was a little harsh on them. Of course, there were times when we got really upset with each other and tolerance and patience were crucial. I shared with lil sis about how I feel towards mom over the last few years. Patience is wearing thin because I feel that I have grown up, experienced so much in life and in a way, I feel that my life experiences are way beyond that of my parents. I can no longer be the little girl who listens to  their hearsay from their friends or family members. Reason being that those hearsay come from their uneducated friends and family members, who know nuts about the world, in my opinion. I might sound a little self-conceited but I know everyone out there who is more educated than their parents will concur with me. It is not just about life's lessons, values and virtues but also about how to go about our daily lives. I believe in Science and knowledge and not hearsay or traditions, needless to say superstitious practices. That explains why over the years, I get frustrated when my parents try to educate me with their so-called beliefs. I do not think that I am arrogant because I was once an educator and I know what are the important values to impart to the next generation and believe in being the right role model.

My parents simply have ways to irritate my siblings and I, mom constantly nagging and giving instructions on how to deal with things and dad bragging about his fitness and knowledge every other day. I wonder if they ever look in the mirror or sit down and reflect about their lives, as to why they have achieved nothing after living all these years. I know that it is unfair to use my own yardstick to measure how much they have achieved in life because some people just want to live a serene life and not care about fighting for anything. That said, they should also give me the room to pursue my dreams and not hold me back.

After all these grouses about my parents, I then fell really sick a week after I parted ways with them. When I was sick, I woke up in the middle of the night umpteen times because of the pain. In pain and fatigue, I reflect about my relationship with my parents and there was guilt and a little remorse but I know that a strained relationship is always the fault of both, never one. With dad, I have nothing to say because he was never there when we were kids. He cannot blame us for not reciprocating the love because there was none in the first place.

With mom, the best analogy is like that of a race. When I was a kid, she was the runner in front of me, and I was always trying to play catch-up with her. Though she was in front of me, she looked back at me all the time. She encouraged me to run a little faster and eventually I gathered strength and caught up, and even overtook her as she slowed down. Now that I am ahead and look back at her, I find her no longer the gigantic figure in front of me but so tiny because she is so far behind me. I have forgotten to look back at her. I recall the times when I brought her overseas, to China, Maldives, Taiwan, etc. I love bringing mom on my adventures because she brought me to this world and I want to show her the world, and enable her to see how beautiful and vast this world is. The life lessons that she imparted to me stay with me, a selective few, even till today. Along the way, I have forgotten about making sure she did not fall too far behind me and when it happened, I simply did not look back anymore. I felt upset when I thought about these things but I believe it takes two hands to clap.

In the 6 months that I left home, I never once called home, unlike when I was on SEP. How on earth did I not miss home anymore? I have no idea but it did happen. The world is never a constant, people and mindsets change but I realised that my parents did not, in particular my mom. A friend of mine shared with me an interesting story about how he felt information asymmetry is the main reason why people have to communicate otherwise relationships with break down. I cannot agree more because I feel that this was what happened between mom and me. I no longer tell her about my plans in life because I dislike it when she goes around telling others, neighbours or her siblings, etc. I am someone who loves privacy and want to be undisturbed in my own little bubble so I hate it when people whom I am unfamiliar with come by to ask me about my plans or to a certain extent, question me because that is what some of my relatives indulge in. When this communication channel is cut off, both of us suffer. Some of my friends confide in their moms frequently and I wish I could do likewise with my mom. We used to be able to but no longer now and I do not know why. I believe things happen for a reason and let nature take its course, I guess.

When I was sick, my friends' concern for me was the saving grace and I thought about my mom. I know she is old and some day she will leave me for good. I have never stopped loving her in my heart but when the communication channel got cut off, this love lost its transmission channel. I told myself that my concern will be the one precious thing that I cannot be stingy with when someday, mom becomes ill. Sometimes, I want to tell her about why our relationship has become strained but some things are better left unsaid I guess. I am sick of handling her frustrated tone when I try to thrash things out with her. Maybe some day, when my mom leaves me for good or the other way round, we will both regret not having iron things out and show each other more love while we are still alive. Maybe, perhaps but I believe it takes two hands to clap and make a relationship work. I know that some day when I become old and slow, I will then be able to put myself in the shoes of my mom. Nevertheless, I hope my mom understands that I love her, no matter what happens, even if it is left unsaid.

31 things to say for a month - Day 29: My Brother

Day 29: If we could be reborn, I would still want to have you in my life.

It is the least expected that this is actually the last post of the thread of '31 things to say for a month'. However, I have re-numbered it to "Day 29" for sentimental sake that my brother is born on the 29th of a month. It is not a very usual day of the month since 29, like 11th (my birthday) are prime numbers! :)

It is a coincidence that this happens to be the last post because I am someone who loves leaving the best to the last. My brother has been a very important person in my life in the last 20 odd years and no amount of words can express my love, concern and gratitude for his existence in my life. Together with my cousin and my sister, they are my trusted aides, my pillars of support whenever I feel down and the people whom I will make sacrifices for just so they can lead a long and happy life!

There is just so much that I can write about when I reminisce our childhood days together with my brother so I seek your patience in reading and my own perseverance to not be shoddy in blogging, considering that it is now 2.41 a.m. (I am trying to adjust to London time, lol.)

The things that we did together as kids:
My brother and cousin were born a year apart so when they started attending Kindergarten together, I often watched in envy. I was enthusiastic about going to school as well, for whatever reason, I do not know. My turn came eventually but by then, they had both moved to Primary School. We were childhood playmates, did loads of silly things such as role-playing different occupations from being a teacher to a doctor, setting up amusement parks, etc. We love going to the playground to play with the slides, see-saws and swings but grandma was not always keen to let us step out of the house. So we often came up with lame excuses such as, "Oh we need to buy a pen or pencil for school" or "We needed to pass our friend homework" just so we could all go out. We would then go to the 'mama shop' to buy sweets, 3 for 10cents, or ice stick that costs 5cents each.

When we were in Primary school, brother, cousin, and I used to walk to school together until my cousin eventually moved out of grandma's house and had to transfer school. My brother was already much older then and after my cousin left, he also started to have friends who walked to school together with us. He often walked side by side with his friends but would ask me to walk in front of them so I was still within his sight. I kinda dislike it because I wanted to walk beside them but the road was just not wide enough. LOL. Material comfort hardly existed but those were the most carefree days of our lives.

Subsequently, we moved out of our grandma's house too and my brother entered his teenage years while I was still a Primary School kid. Our lives were less intertwined during that stage because my brother spent most of his time playing soccer at the void deck while I was constantly running after other kids at the playground, playing "catching". Our only common hobby was to listen to the Radio Station whenever we came back from school and before we headed out to play. We would engage in a duel to guess the singer and song title of the next song that was being played on the FM. Brother always beat me in the game because my short-term memory is near to non-existence and it was only at a much older age that I come to realise. LOL. It was simple things like these that made us happy, really happy.

Lessons as youths:
My brother was never a harsh person who reprimanded me. He knew I was a very strong-willed girl and there were countless occasions when we nearly tore the house apart after we both refused to give in. Nevertheless, he would often share with me lessons in life and in my memory, the one very important value in life that he taught me stems from this saying, "Every little thing you do shapes up your character." I must say that this saying has had the greatest influence on my life. In my younger days, my temper was short, my attitude wasn't the best most of the time and I can be pretty obstinate. I focused on my bigger goals in life and I express my emotions freely, never trying hard enough to contain my anger. However, my brother taught me that I could be a much better person if I work on the small little things in life that could affect me greatly in the future. This saying constantly rang in my mind whenever I felt like letting my emotions loose be it on small or big matters, procrastinating on my work, handling my relationship with my mom and my sis, etc. I started to pay attention to the "little things" in my life - the way I communicate with others, my values in life, and that helped me improve my interpersonal skills greatly. He might not have the slightest idea that this conversation that he had with me had influenced my life so much.

My brother was also someone who placed the family's interests above all else. On contrary, I must admit that I am someone who places my dreams above all else. I wouldn't say I do not love my family but I was like any other teenager who prioritise my friends over my family. My family members never interfered in the things that I want to do, giving me the freedom to pursue my dreams and interests, often accommodating me. When my siblings and I get into an argument, they often commented that I was a very demanding person and they always had to accommodate me. For example, when I was mugging in the room for my exams and they were to engage in a conversation in front of me, I would hush them and chase them out, citing that they were disrupting my revision. Sometimes, I know that they merely wanted to engage me in conversation after seeing me burying myself in the books for the entire day. However, I was so focused that I did not want any disturbances. This perfectionist mindset is often a double-edged sword - it propelled me forward to accomplish the things I set out to do but it also meant that my siblings were often the ones who gave in to my whims and fancies. It was when I accomplished my goals in life and I looked back that I realised that they had always been behind me and without their muted sacrifices, I might not have gone as far. Fortunately, I am not an ungrateful person and I willingly share the fruits of my success with them these days.

Looking to the future:
I have to say that I have had a more smooth-sailing life journey compared to my brother. He has more to shoulder in life as a man and as the eldest of the family, he does not have a role model to follow. Although we meet once a week nowadays, we do not engage in deep conversations about our lives unlike in the past. He is in this transition phase in his life and he really needs to persevere in order to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

We are both Sagittarius and our personalities are quite aligned. We grew up in the same environment, faced similar constraints but our lives have turned out very differently at this point in time. I hate to say this but I feel that I have led a much happier life than he has. I am constantly doing the one thing that I enjoy in life i.e. travelling and each time I step into a new city, experience a new lifestyle and meet different people, I think of my brother. I want to share with him these wonderful experiences and adventures on my escapes so that he can be happy like I am. I think he loves traveling as well, maybe not as much as I do but still, I am sure he will feel that happiness of being free.

In the last 5 years or so, there were times when I get very frustrated with him over his decision making and the way he is handling his life. But my frustration all stem from one root cause - that he is not being decisive and determined in his pursuits which is causing him so much unhappiness. No matter how hard I try to talk sense into him, share with him lessons in life and offer solutions, I have not helped my brother become a happier person. Along the way, I realised that I might be wrong in my judgments because I am not him and what makes me happy may not apply to him. So I can only tell myself that I have to be patient and generous with words of encouragement. Deep down in my heart, I have always been thankful that he helped made me a better person and I feel happy about myself and my life because I am leading the life that I want. In return, I also hope that he can be happy!

As I step out of my comfort zone once again to pursue my dreams like I did 8 years ago, I hope something drastic can change my brother's life again just like it did back then. I have seen too many unhappy people all my life and I know that it all stems from their own insecurities in life. If I could transfer some of his unhappiness to myself, I would gladly do so but I know I cannot. He only has himself to depend on to overcome his own fears and insecurities, change his outlook on life and steer himself back on course to live a long and happy life.

For teaching me the importance of "Every little thing that you do shapes up your character", I would like to return the favour by these two quotes:

"Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it is stormy now doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine."

"Happiness is not something readymade, it comes from your OWN actions."

I wish my brother health and happiness!

31 things to say for a month - Day 14: My Sister

Day 14: Would my life have been better or worse off without her?

[Post re-numbered since my sister is born on the 14th of a month.]

Writing this "31 things to say for a month" is really trying especially if I had not done much things in the day, talked to anyone in particular or had been too occupied to do any reflection or thought through what should be the post for the day.

So today, I shall talk about this person who has greatly influenced my life and my world would have been a very different one without her. It could have been better but it could also have been a lot worse but as a loving sister, I choose to believe that her existence has brought more happiness than sadness. This person behind me is none other than my sister.

When I was younger, I used to have feelings of disdain for this "creature" because I always felt that my mother was biased towards her. However, when I grew older and became more mature, I realized that siblings should not have any form of jealousy between them because we are connected by blood ties. To quote my grandmother, "a person's fingers are different i.e. have different lengths and width", so each child is different though they may come from the same parents thus we should not expect a mother to love each and every of her child equally. As I age, I also realise that since I can be the more capable and independent one and can afford less attention and TLC from my parents, it is also a blessing in disguise. 

This change in mindset altered the relationship that I share with my sister completely. We start to share our perspectives of things in life and in a way, I find her opinions relevant and some of her suggestions turn out to be pretty constructive. Things took a bigger turn when my brother got married and moved out and I have one less confidant resultantly. There was also an air of competition between us, albeit it was a healthy one in all aspects of our life besides our weight (no one wanted to put on more weight). A little competition gives you the drive to accomplish things and persevere in face of difficulties. We constantly try to improve on our badminton game because we do not want to lose to each other, we teach each other Mathematics, we challenge each other in smartphone games, etc. Where academics is concerned, perhaps most of the time it was my sister having to play catch up with me since I often was the one who sat certain standards and by the time she grew of age, she had all these expectations and benchmarks to fulfill. I would say she did not do that badly, in fact she excels in a lot of different areas. 

However, there are certain things which clearly define who we are and even though we are siblings, we can never be alike. I can never be as kind-hearted and patient as her while she cannot swear as much as I do and vent her frustrations like a balloon (inflate and deflate continuously just like my emotions). I will never develop the interest and motivation to do all those hand-made cards whereas she will never appreciate alcohol and football. She is portrayed as the angel while me, the devil. There is nothing wrong with being the devil honestly and somehow all middle child end up as the devil. 

Over the years, through our healthy and subtle competition, we help each other become a better person. She helps me to improve on my badminton and my patience threshold, gives me opinions on the things I do in school - reads my question and comments on the difficulty level, listens to my grouses when I mark at home, helps me blow my hair because I am lazy and unwilling to blow it dry before sleeping, sat through my first ever lecture, etc. On the other hand, I teach her how to improve on her mahjong skills, listen to her singing (hohoho), give her travelling tips, let her spend my money (occasionally), troubleshoot the internet at home, etc. 

Our relationship strengthened a lot the last few years and we truly enjoy each other's companionship. I am really glad that my mother had decided to not give up on this child 22 years ago otherwise I would have been a totally different person - for better or for worse, I do not know. I just know - sisters rock. :) She is a garbage track that takes in all the nonsense that I churn out on a daily basis and she is one of the few people who knows me inside out. Sometimes, we talk about life in old age and death and as usual, the angel promises and has to pray that she has to outlive the devil because the devil does not want to be the one who lives to see her loved ones depart one by one. However, often is the case that the kind-hearted soul departs first to be with God so our prayers are probably not going to be answered. 

Acknowledgements

Yuppie, thesis submitted yesterday and I am now a free soul. It suddenly dawned upon me that I will no longer have to go through days of sleepless nights or inadequate sleep, give up my hongkong dramas, compromise with playing tennis, etc. Instead, I can be back to the weekly drinking sessions or mahjong sessions, the drama-after-drama days. Nonetheless, I have to start to work on my modules since I have been neglecting them for the past 12 weeks. My only focus was writing a good dissertation and a meaningful one. I have been spending all my time outside of tuition to work on my thesis and indeed it has been a fruitful journey. Especially towards the end, when Linken was vetting my thesis and Kheng started correcting my subject-verb agreement, I realise that writing a dissertation with perfect grammar is indeed trying. The problem does not lie with me being able to figure out the singular and plural but rather, the tenses almost drove me crazy. I was really undecided between using past tense or present tense to write the thesis! The work that was done by me has to be in present tense whereas work done by precedents have to be in past tense? Ended up I went to my professor and he simply told me to write everything in present tense. Linken was definitely picking on bones and very critical of what I wrote but I do not blame him. In fact, I was really happy about it because it makes me ponder over what I have wrotten and what I could do to improve on it. What's more, I need not hug my laptop to school everyday though it has become a habit that I kinda love it. Put aside the weight, it gives me immediate access to whatever that I want to know.

For now, I wish to publish my acknowledgements.

No words of appreciation can express my hearfelt gratitude towards my
supervisor, Dr. Liu Haoming for his kind patience and guidance in helping me
complete this thesis to mark my graduation. His serenity amidst my panic over my
progress of writing this dissertation from deciding on a topic while he was
still suffering from a jet lag to resolving the many data regression issues, and
finally reading my draft has been extremely reassuring. Without his exceptional
forbearance for all the major and minor knocks on his office, the completion of
this thesis would not have been so smooth and I would not have developed an
interest in doing research work. He is God's grace to me as a final year
student.

Not to forget, I would like to express my appreciation towards Dr. Indranil
Chakrabotry, Dr. Goh Say Song, and Dr. Gamini Premaratne who have given me
numerous astute advices academically and have been instrumental to my learning
journey in NUS.

Next, I would like to convey my sincerest appreciation to Linken, one of my
best pal who has indeed shown me remarkable support by having a game of tennis
with me when I needed to take it easy, listening to my whining, and most
importantly, vetting my thesis despite his hard-pressed schedule. Further, I
would like to thank my best buddies: Chris, WenXiong, and Tailon, people whom I
seek to for comfort and for the mirth, fun, and laughter they brought to my life
for the past decade. They are whom I call true friends. Added compliments to
Chris for proofreading my thesis as well!

The final and most important, I wish to express my gratitude to my family;
my Mom who loves me unconditionally and has been extremely supportive while I
take on this last challenge in my academic career; my sister, Kheng, for
correcting the subject-verb agreement issues in my paper meticulously, and also
my brother, Michael, who constantly offers words of encouragement and astute
advices for the past 23 years of my life. A BIG THANKS for playing a
fundamental role in shaping up my character and showing incredible tolerance for
my whims and fancies, and never stingy when it comes to showering me with love.

I am truly blessed beyond measures to have you guys as my family members.

Owing to space constraint, I was not able to thank all the people that I would like to so the blog is a more appropriate venue I guess.

I would like to dedicate this dissertation to my Brother, Michael and my
cousin-in-law, Vincent. Prior to deciding on the topic, I was not sure if
writing on such a topic would have been anything meaningful. However, the series of events made me realise that Health is Wealth and that without good health,
you would have been denied access to the door of Happiness.

Next, I would like to thank Bestie, IatFai for his existence in my life. He
need not explicitly encourage me to be better or listen to my sorrows but
through the small chats we have during the gatherings, he made me realise that
if one's dreams are shattered, it may be hard to swallow initially but we
all move on. Seeing his attempts to live a fulfilling life despite living within
so many constraints, I have more the reason to do so. All the conversations we
had while I was on SEP also helped me stay in touch with Singapore and it was
always nice to have someone you know to relate to when you experience any funny or interesting events while overseas. Thanks, Bestie!

Next, to my ex-boss and mentor - Augustine, for showing me the ropes to auditing and interpersonal relationship and for encouraging me when I first entered NUS that all I need is time to adapt to the NUS lifestyle. Those words of encouragement were instrumental to me graduating today from NUS!

Not to forget, my wonderful Econs friends in NUS - Pauline, Rachel and
HuiYun. All the times that I was in NUS, I had their companion and we sat
through all the boring lectures together, sat for the same exams and the little
outings like Botanic Gardens, Dinner, etc. indeed brightened up my life!

To Joseph and Sharon - my first few friends in NUS who brought me so
much laughter out of my embarrassment, thanks for helping me tide through the adjustment phrase in NUS.!

To WaiTeng for introducing the lovely sport, tennis to me, for constantly
encouraging me when I felt really down and lost with my thesis, hall stays would
have been much different without her!

To the two splendid friends I made from SEP - Kim and Monica.
All the travels, living and culture experiences would not have been made
possible without Kim's company and I wouldn't have the same feeling towards the
various countries that we visited together without her. The days of cooking
together, couching in her room on Sundays to watch movies, running to Lidl with our slippers and shorts during winter, long bus journeys, gossips, etc. are memories that will stay with me for life.!

And for Monica, the little chats we have in our room during SEP, the art of
accomodation and lending an arm that she taught me, the constant encouragement
she gave while I was working on my thesis were all priceless.!

And so, I thank God for bringing them to my life and on SEP.!

Last but not least, thanks to every single friend I made in NUS especially
the Econs peeps!

Lastly, I would like to share any good luck that God has bestowed upon me
for the past 23 years with my cousin, Benjamin, who is sitting for his 'O'
Levels and my sister, Kheng, who is sitting for her 'A' Levels examinations.
Also, I would like to thank my cousin, BiXia, for lending me her Macbook power adapter when mine refused to work on the very night before the submission of my thesis (Every single bit of effort counts.!) And my cousin, Wendy, for the weekly badminton sessions when I needed to destress and also being the responsible
driver to deliver the power adaptor without moaning a single word! (I am not sure if she complained behind my back though! haha..Just joking!)

Thanks for making a difference in my life!

A simple night out.

It has been ages since I relived a simple dinner + playing games at the arcade.

On Friday, I reluctantly pulled myself away from the lappy and went to Jurong West St 91 for tuition. The last time I forced myself to yet another tuition was probably just a day ago. Sick and tired of the coffeeshop local delicacies, I invited my sister, brother and his gf over to JP for dinner after tuition. I applaud myself for making such a wise decision cause to me, that dinner was probably one of the best I've ever had in the week. I am well-known for turning up late these days due to overrunning of the tuition sessions 8 out of 10 times (Why do I give extra time, I seriously wonder?). Unexpectedly, I was the first to arrive at JP! So I went ahead to order two sets of the Korean BBQ while awaiting my family members.

Dinner was usual like anyone we have in the neighbourhood. Without fail, we gossip about our family with my DAD being the hot topic of discussion. However, details will not be divulged otherwise this entry will be seemingly long! So after dinner, we started to brainstorm for ideas for the after-dinner programme which was totally impromptu since Bro was on leave and he didn't want to head back soon. I suggested going for a movie so while walking towards the theatre, the joker of the day, MY SIS, did her usual stunts.!

Bro: "YAY! Harry Potter is coming soon!"
Sis:"Huh? Helicopter?!"

None of us could contain our laughter and burst out laughing. "Helicopter" and "Harry Potter" does sound alike in some sense but I conclude that she has hearing problems which she is aware of consciously! Movie timings were really bad with transformers all blinking in red and all other movies not to any of our liking. Though dejected, we decide to bite the bullet and head back home for a home-bounded FRIDAY night.! Fortunately, GOD bestowed me a "QUICK & SMART" brain so when we walked past the arcade, I suggested that we go play some games in the arcade, in particular BASKETBALL! My generous and easily psychoed Brother then had to part with $26 to buy us a game card worth $44, when he had already paid $20 to buy us durians the previous night.! LOL! The basketball game generated tickets which we felt was damn old-schooled since these days, almost every machine and item we use have been computerised. So, the 4 of us, whose age probably add up to 100 altogether, started to take turns to play basketball to earn the tickets, with "CHILDISH" sister enthusiastically pulling the tickets from the machine after every round.

Guess what we exchanged with the tickets? YAKULT! It was extremely hilarious. Imagine paying $26 to buy 4 yakults when you could simply buy 9 sets of them effortlessly.! Further, we were so engrossed that we missed the last bus home from the interchange and had to walk around 10 minutes to the bus-stop further away to catch another late night bus. Along the way, a mysterious shadow that my cousin witnessed during our family chalet a few days back then triggered a ghost-story-telling session along the way.

These moments made me recall my brother's 17th birthday when we did the exact same thing tog with BH after we had pizza hut as dinner as part of his celebrations. Looking back to 8 years ago, I realise I have grown so much older and I have forgotten the little things that will make me exhilarated like a meal at pizza hut, going to the arcade etc. Instead, it is my hunger to realise my dreams and ambitions that make me happy these days.

As I am sitting and typing this post, I am glad we had dinner and played arcade together. It made me realise that these little things that I used to fancy as a kid still thrills me these days especially when I am constantly being polluted by the cruelties of reality, the survival of the fittest ideology out in the bigger world embracing me and the pragmatism of the society. Further, the tightly knitted bond between my siblings and I always made me feel assured in everything I do because I know I pay no interest in borrowing their ears and taking their hand.

Also to my dearest cousin BH, I look upon you like a Sis too and I do not see how any petty and unimportant argument should affect us. So, do not brood over what happened. You've known me since the day I took my first breath on Mother Earth and spoke to me very since the day I utter my first sound. Words have no meaning and we put meaning into it and our interpretation of others' language often gets screwed up during moments of anger or impulse. So, if I have hurt you in anyway out of spite, I apologized! SORRY!

Family Chalet

Family Chalets used to be 1 of the most looked forward to event when I was young.
My mom will try to organise one every vacation.
As we grew up, the occurrences decreased exponentially.
Until in recent years, we picked up the old tradition once again.
However, we never live up to those days anymore.
Each chalet was plagued with quarrels, arguments, disagreements
I should not be pointing fingers at anyone in particular
Every bicker takes two hands to clap!
Nonetheless, I must say I did enjoy the recent chalet still.

Durian Eating Session..

At 6 am in the morning, all still fresh..

My nieces, cousins, sister and I ton through the night.
We played fun games like Rummy-O and Taboo.
Had a good sea-view by the chalet
Played captain's ball, "monkey" by the beach
All these games were part of our childhood memories
My luck wasn't that fantastic on the mahjong table,
But I was merely a companion on the table to my grandmother.
They watched my sky-diving video @ 6am in the morning,
And had a good laugh out of it.
Still, sky-diving ROCKS despite all the laughter!
Played Wii tennis, badminton, baseball etc..
But Boxing is still my favourite.!
It lets you vent your frustration
And it was good workout definitely!
I was panting away after two games

The lovely seaview and trying to act emo..

Playing MONKEY - Obvious that Carol is a lousy monkey!

..

Hereby, I would also like to dedicate this post to my two dearest nieces

Doe & Eefty.

I watched them grew up from being an infant till a teenager today.
At certain crossroads in life, we may have drifted apart.
However, the occasional meet-ups, stay-overs, get together and plurking sessions have once again narrowed the gap that should have been widening.
No one has any idea what lies ahead of us in the near future.
But the constant warmth that radiates from you guys make my days.

It doesn't matter to me if I have to spread bread for you occasionally.
Cause I know respect is not shown in the form of ordering people of a lower rank than you to do things.
At least it really warms my heart each time I request for a sip of your drink or a bite of your food, you'll never reject me! :)
And I'm glad to play an active role as an adviser in your childhood
Blood runs thicker than water?!
Perhaps, perhaps not.
Or maybe because we all share the same surname?!
Honestly, I hope that one day they will all become successful in fulfilling their aspirations.
In life as you age, you might fall when you take a wrong step
But it is more important that you know you will be able to stand up on your own feet again.
Always remember, I have got your back so I will make sure even if the whole world gives you guys up, at least I will not!

Concept of Family

Over the weekend, I went to the cemetery for the annual event which I missed out last year, the cleaning of the ancestors' tomb. A gush of emotions and feelings waved over me and I started to ponder about a lot of things in life which came across me yet I never gave them any serious thoughts. I recently came across my student's blog and that was the first time I found out about her family background despite being her tutor for 1.5 years. Indeed, she shocked me! It only reinforced the concept in me that Never look at things on the surface or judge something from its external appearance. I vividly remember going to her house every Sunday seeing her Dad play table tennis with her lil bro, bringing them to Macdonalds, showering them luxurious gifts like LV wallets or branded stuff. But looking beyond that, it was just a masked appearance.

------------------------------------------------

What about myself? How much do people know about my family and I? I grew up in the typical low-income family where the concept of family is loosely entangled on the paternal side but more entrenched on the maternal side. Born as the single and youngest son, my dad had two elder sisters, one married to a decent guy capable of providing her the material needs and blessed with children who are both capable and filial, while the other was mentally challenged and led a solitary life. The notion of the responsibilities of a father to my dad is one which I deem "poor and lacking in depth" since he grew up without a father himself to shower him with love.

Conversely, my mom was brought up in a more complete yet big and poor family. Being the 2nd child in the family, she was trained to be a motherly figure since she had to assist my grandma to take care of her younger siblings. Nonetheless, she is someone who is equipped with diligence to make up for her lack of education and intellect.

I was brought into the family 5 years after my parent's marriage and 3 years younger than my elder brother. Being financially burdened, both my parents have to work to support their respective families and the newly synthesized one, resulting in me being sent under my maternal grandma's care. So for the first 10 years of my life, I was raised by my maternal grandma, going to my genuine home only on weekends to visit my paternal grandma and my dad since they lived together. At the age of 10, my mother, sensing the lack of family bonding between my dad and us decided that we should leave our grandma's care and be back to where we belong, our real home. Despite living under the same roof for the next 5 years with my paternal grandma and till present with my dad, the intended and anticipated bond was never developed.

Now, as I am typing this post, my paternal grandma is no longer with us. She left us while I was on SEP last April. It may seem that I am cold-blooded when I say that I do not miss her or has never ever dropped a single tear for her departure but I hate hiding the facts. For someone who has never shed a single bit of effort or shower a lil love, I do not see why I should miss her presence. Sometimes, I think she influenced my dad in such a way that love is scarced at home. People always try to preach about "When someone doesn't love you the way you want, it doesn't mean that they don't love you." but to me, that's crap. We all want to be loved in the way we desire. Ask yourself, do you find that you love someone lesser when she or he does not reciprocate in the way you want? For me, I have always been sure of that.

My family background nurtured me into an independent person, someone who relies on herself, acquire and achieve everything and success by her own hands, own effort and own ability. For the past 22 years of my life, I constantly remind myself that I am the change that I want to see in the world. I foresee that I should in no way rely on my parents for my own desires otherwise I will end up with nothing.

At times, I just do not comprehend their actions and thinking plus attitude. Since young, my siblings and I have to tolerate with the lack of space to contain ourselves and our stuff. We never had a room of our own less to say decorate it. That makes me ponder, if you love yourself more than you love your children, then stay single or childless since you will be reluctant to sacrifice for their sakes. If you think you can compromise your children's needs and wants so as to please someone else or for other personal physical wants or needs, then do not let them come into the world in the first place.

Like my sister said before, if you think having a clean and tidy house and clean and white clothings are more important than bonding well with your children, then why bother about their existence? My mom's priorities in life are being able to strike a balance between work and home so that she maintains the house in top quality living conditions and of course, she is also the role model as a DAUGHTER and a WIFE but not a MOTHER! She does not ill-treat us but she always see MONEY as being more important than us! Why?! I know that she has made a lot of sacrifices for us as well and that she really loves us but like I said, it is not the way that I want it to be!

When you switch on the tv at night, she tells you to lower the volume because she thinks that we are disturbing our dad and our neighbours when the volume is already so soft that you can't even hear it from the corridor. When you take a break from working on the laptop in the room and tune in to a few moments of tv programmes, she switches off your fans and lights in the room and make the room so hot and stuffy when you get back in. What is wrong with that few more minutes of electricity bill being incurred? When I went on SEP, the last thing that ever occured to her was giving me a few hundreds to spend. It is not as though that few hundreds will ever matter to me but at least, it is the thought that counts. Then when I came back from SEP, she tried to make up for it by buying the food stuff that I missed during CNY like abalone or bak kwa. I did not want to disappoint her but honestly, I do not crave for those things as much as they deem I would. All these years, she has been throwing me the tantrums whenever someone else offended her or she got fed up with the tumbling housework after work. What have I done to incur her wrath and deserve such treatment? You are not deserving and am in no position to comment about someone else showing favouritism when you yourself is an exact replica of that someone whom you are criticising. When someone realise that she had done so little for you and tried to make up for it, I can only say "It's too late to apologise". It may seem that I am rebellious and show too little respect for my mom as I said all these, but this is the family I grew up in.! In future, I will do my part as my daughter but I think I will never be able to love her as much as I love myself and I am apologetic about that.

When you enjoy living in contentment, it does not equate to your child enjoying being in the same state as you. My dad only knows how to complain about having to work extra hours and his excuses being that he feels tired because age is catching up on him and he doesn't care about the extra income as his motto in life is to live in contentment. But he doesn't think about us, about wanting improvement in our living standards, having the choices like what other kids have but because of his selfish and self-centered thoughts, it never came across to his mind that he should work a little harder and save a bit more so that his kids will benefit from his hardwork and savings. His chauvunistic and strong ego determined that he is and will always be a nobody in life. I hate to say that about him but at least that is what I see. And I loathe it when he tries to exerts his authoritative figure at home when someone does something that displeases him. He comes out with the insulting and sacrastic remarks like "Why do I pay for your education and end up with you lacking common sense?" or "What dad tells you can never be wrong." Move on with times and stop hugging that conventional school of thought that a father is always right! It gets on my nerves having to put on smiles in front of my paternal relatives and having being reminded each time when we meet to greet them to display the good mannerism that we were inculcated with.

He thinks that by paying for your education (i.e. school fees and buying textbooks and uniform) means he has fulfilled his responsibility as a father. He assumes that providing the basic necessities, a roof, clothes to wear and food to eat will increase our utility. I feel like shouting out to him, "WAKE UP!" Can you show some care and concern to our non-physical well-being? Stop being the smart aleck and try to push your weight around. I guess I am the only one in the household who is daring enough to talk back to him because I feel the need to change and be radical.

To be honest, I do not feel the warmth that I ought to at home. No doubt my siblings are very supportive of whatever I do and we are really very closely bonded but I never like being at home. While my brother and sister were overseas, I spent much of my time out of the house too. I really envy my peers who have parents who plan for them, such that they never have to worry about having a penny or not having the resources to pursue what they want in life. My experiences make me ponder, should I ever start a family of my own? The concept of a family to me is one that is beautiful, hitherto, but will I be able to live out my own expectations in the near future of my own dream family?

I ain't got a clue why I am ranting about all these right now, perhaps because of some unhappy and minor incidents that created a big hoo-ha and make a hill out of a molehill. I hate to be a quitter but whenever faced with such tensions and pressure, I feel the need to run away once again. Being financially independent (which I am only at midpoint now) entitles me to leave, to live out my own dreams!

Bon Voyage.

Many a times, words carry no meaning and it's the listener that interprets from his own perspective. Yet, I wasn't trying to shun responsibility. Perhaps, I said words that were hurting along the way, out of moments of impulse at times and the remaining the revelation of my true feelings. In that perceived hidden agony of yours, I have been going round in circles and trying to make things right and convince you that everything's gonna be alright. At times, the helplessness and emotional baggage that I carry proved too much to bear and I need to seek refuge. And I really didn't mean it to say those words. Maybe the game should stop or, what comes next for us?!

Your benevolence.
A cooling period.
My Pursuit of Freedom.

我坚持的，都值得坚持吗
我所相信的，就是真的吗
如果我敢追求，我就敢拥有吗
而如果都算了，不要呢
或许吧 或许我永远都不会遇见他
或许吧 或许我太天真了吧


Also, my bro is flying off to Thailand! I'm so gonna miss him! Someone whom I can always play tricks on, disturb him when he's so focused with the computer, hang around on weekend midnights watching soccer, have dinner with whenever I feel like to, lying on our respective cozy beds sharing secrets and HTH talks. Argghh! But I am sure the trip will reap benefits for him, bring new perspectives to his life, give him a brand new outlook of his job etc.

Bon voyage, Bro and see ya on April's Fools! :))

Hap Hap Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Brother!

Yeah, it's my brother's birthday today and I happened to have an exam this morning! Nonetheless, we still manage to have a rather decent tim sum lunch! Lol! For the past three years, my brother's birthday fell on an exam date of mine. I ain't sure if I should count that as a blessing or a misfortune! Lol. We never really have a grandeur celebration in the past 3 years but perhaps, it's also because we no longer believe in birthday celebrations? The first year when I was in NUS, my brother had passed his driving test in the same year and he rented a car to get to this particular eatery @ Sembawang Shopping centre. Prior to that, I had a political science exam @ 5pm and I even went to the extent of getting to ICA to collect his passport with him. While waiting for him in the car since we couldn't get a carpark lot and I had to be a stand-by driver, I frantically fllipped my notes and tried to revise for my exam.

The second year when I was in NUS, I was due to leave for Stockholm in another month's time. Like the previous year, I had exams too! Lol.. We had a celebration on a small scale as well. Today, it's the 3rd year running! Indeed, time flies! True enough, I spent minimal time with my brother this year since I was away for the first half of the year. If you have a sibling, and you have a strong bond with him or her, nothing beats seeing him or her basking in happiness.

You grew up from the same background,
share the same little greenhouse,
walk to school in identical foot-steps,
fight over the same toys and delicacies,
quarrel out of nothing,
tolerate each other's temperament and nuisance,
watch each other transform from a immature young ass into a matured grown-up.

I remember we used to be very excited about our birthdays since they are merely 2 weeks apart. On hindsight, I didn't really get to enjoy birthdays when I was young. Somehow, God gave sickness to me as a birthday present. :( Perhaps that explains why when I got grow older, I respect my birthday, and needless to say, the birthday of everyone else whom I deem important. :)) Having seen lots of people around me who eventually drift apart from their siblings as they grow older, I must pronounce that my brother and I never ever will! Both of us do not know what the future holds for and where we will be yet we know, we will always be there for each other, in support emotionally, psychologically and physically!

Happy Birthday, my Dearest Brother! See the below for you!

Ordinary and pragmatic as you may seem to others
Yet deep beneath holds values and principals that bothers
Lacking the determination and intrepidness to dream and pursue
You make it seem like your life is due

If euphoria from being extraordinary holds no more
If contentment is what you are out for
Challenge the lionhearted innerself of yours
Before you judge your life and loss

Succumb is the word for you, never
Be the crusade against your fears forever
Let the past dissipate into nothingness
For the future beholds your true happiness

Your success is not measured by the amount of money you earn, the size of the house that you live in or the brand of the car that you drive. Hitherto, it may seem I am ahead of life's race but at least to me, you are always ahead of me.! The morals, the judgments, the values are etched in my mind wherever I may be now or in the future. Give yourself more worth and credits for the impact made to others and never surrender to life or its struggles! :)

many many years ago..

Companied my little nieces to school to pick up their PSLE results yesterday.
It's a weird feeling.
Perhaps weird is not the right word.
It feels more like "déjà vu" lol!
The uncertainty, anxiety that occupied their faces
I guess I experienced that a decade ago.
Everyone gathering at the school hall
Anxiously waiting for the principal to announce the top pupil
Saying your appreciation for your teachers and the school
Getting back to your classroom.
Waiting for your name to be called to get your result slips.
Of course not forgetting, asking your friends for their results.
Now: No one does that anymore!
They keep their slips close to their heart.

Guess I was too naive back then
No aspirations, no ambitions
Never learnt that intelligence only contributes to 30% of your achievements
When I saw my results, disappointment embraced me.
Yesterday, I witness that in my little nieces too.
The feeling of seeing all your friends shining out of hardwork and effort
You only have yourself to blame I guess.
Fortunately I made up for it in Sec Sch.
But I never had the opportunity to attend the Speech & Awards presentation.
Vividly remember it.
I had a test in Poly.

So I became determined to never let that disappointment come near me again.
So far so good, I am keeping up with the pace.
But sometimes I wonder.
How long would that last before I bid Satisfaction goodbye again?

Whatever you dream of,
Whatever you desire.
Never let them go unless before you ever try :))

An elderly at home is like a treasure of all

My brother sent me this song hours ago
I was busy with school work
Didn't pay much attention to it though I tried to catch the lyrics
Felt the song was touching but couldn't identify with it
Until I sat down quietly in front of my laptop,
focus on the lyrics and recalled my childhood
The title of the song is "Grandma's words" 阿嬷的话 by Xiao Huang Qi
The same singer who sang Ni Shi Wo De Yan..
Maybe some people don't really have the chance to live and interact with their grandparents
Maybe some people have really poor grandparents at home
Maybe some people hate their grandparents even
But that's definitely not the case for me when it comes to my MATERNAL grandmother

She was the one who changed my diapers when I was young
She was the one whom I never fail to call out to after I poo-ed
She was the one who bathed and dressed me
She was the one who fed me and cooked for me
She was the one whom I lean on whenever I needed a shoulder at young
She was the one who taught me the morals and principles in life
She was the one who scolded and hitted me when I did something wrong
She was the one who signed my school test papers or exam papers whenever my mom wasn't around
She was there in every single aspect of my childhood.

Today, I am no longer dependent on her but it always makes me feel good to be in her arms, to have her cuddle me because she provides a sense of belonging and security. I believe some of you must be thinking of your grandmother right now, especially those who are separated with them by life and death. No tears, no regrets because despite her physical absence, her warmth should always be in your memory. :)

For me, I am grateful that my grandmother is still with me, watching every bit of my life. But I wonder how things will be when that day comes.

Enjoy the song.... Oh anyway, it's in Hokkien so if you didn't understand, I provided the English translation...

在细汉的时阵阮阿嬷对我尚好
甲尚好的物伴拢会留乎我
伊嘛定定带我去幼稚园看人在七桃
看人在办公伙儿看人在觅相找
伊定定跟阮说叫阮着要好好仔读册
呒通大汉像恁老爸仔这么狼狈
在彼个时阵阮拢听拢呒
阿嬷你到底是在讲什么
大汉了后才知影阿嬷的话
我会甲永远永远放块心肝底
想可一步一步的过去
定定拢会乎人真难忘
时间一分一秒块过去
在阮的心内定定拢会想到伊
阿嬷你今嘛在叨位
阮在叫你你甘有听到
阮的认真甲阮的成功你甘有看到
阮在叫你你知影没
阿嬷你今嘛过的好么
甘有人块甲你照顾
希望后世人阮搁会冻来乎你疼
作你永远的孙仔
搁叫你一声"阿嬷"

When I was young, my grandmother treated me the best.
In the sense, she always left the best things for me.
She frequently took me to the nursery to watch other kids play
to watch adults that were busy with work, with searching for love etc
She always reminded me to get a good education
Otherwise I will end up like my dad, trading sweat for bread
But I never really understand the true meaning of those words at that time
Grandma, what were you trying to drive at exactly?
I finally understood what she meant after I grew up
I will keep those words in my heart forever
Recalling every step I took and every decision I made in the past
It's really unforgettable
Though the clock is ticking away and taking away our lives
I will think of her every now and then
Where are you, my grandmother?
Can you hear me calling out to you?
The effort I put in my life, the success I have enjoyed, have you witnessed it?
Do you know that I am calling out to you?
Grandma, I wonder if you are living well
I wonder if there's anyone taking good care of you
I hope I can be loved by you in my next life
and be your beloved grandchild once again
So as to be able to greet you "My Grandma"

Dedicate this to- My Grandmother, Chris & Omma.

You JUDGE your own life!

2008 is a leap year
But 29th February is not a leap year
It should be a leap day!

I dedicate this post to someone I hold in esteem on this special day--my Da Jie

I read through her post and thoughts about Kinship came to my mind. I hope my post gives her some motivation to get past this difficult stage in life.

To me, she has always been a woman who appears strong on the outside but is extremely fragile within herself.

She taught me lessons in life which no textbooks can provide. To many others out there (our relatives especially), she may not be the role model and what she taught me may be good or bad, subjective to individual, I still hold her in respect for all these.

Together with my grandma, she taught me Mahjong-my all-time favourite.
However, she also taught me the meaning of Kinship together with my brother.
She taught me how to be street-smart.
She taught me how to protect myself when I am being bullied.
She showed me the way to fight for her own rights.
She taught me that no matter how others look down on you, you are the only one who can judge your own life.

As I am typing this post, though I still don't concur with every single aspect of the way she leads her life, that's HER life and only SHE can judge her OWN life! No one else should be able to do so.

71 shouts to Da Jie: "If you can survive a crisis not just once but twice or even thrice, you will be able to get past this difficult stage in life once again. Never give up!"

I bet she doesn't know what life lessons she has provided me for the past 21 years.

Never under-estimate the impact you can have on someone else.

I always want to get this across to everyone that I know: we should all live for ourselves, not for others. We should be the only ones fit enough to judge our own lives and by not taking to heart how others judge you, you will smile more and frown less :)

Replies to the CNY Posts that I have seen so far

1) Da Jie
Seems like everyone is enjoying themselves at your place
One curious question: Why did you choose to open your house this year when I am not around?
Are you afraid that I will mess up your place? haha..

You people seems to have put on weight huh...
Especially my MUM!
I thought she looked fatter than she used to
Maybe i am not around to burn a few of her FAT CELLS
Since I will always be the one that irritates her at home

To Bihong: Hey! Mark seems to have put on a little bit of weight!
Or is it because of the photography effect?! haha..

Pink & Purple seems to be theme this year with so many people putting on the color!

2) Kheng's Picture Blog
My Mum!! She definitely misses my presence...
To think she change new bedsheets for me even though I am not around for CNY! haha..
It looked hilarious to me when I saw it but it shows how much my Mum loves me!
Don't envy!!

I can see how much BROTHER misses me
He looks so depressed when he sat in the bus by himself
Not only does he misses my company
He definitely misses me to share the costs of the car with him.. haha
To Brother: I seem to be seeing the BLACK PEPPER CRABS waving to me!
You don't seem to have lost any weight...
I just hope you don't put on more after CNY!!

To Kheng: Stop saying "YOU ARE CUTE!" You are not pleasE!!
Stop your double plaits...
But I think it looks quite nice on you though hahaha..
Contradicting!!

The Twins- Michelle & Evelyn
I thought you two looked really alike in that photo where you were watching show in Mummy's room...
Michelle, if only you were more obedient at home & studious when it comes to studying!
You will definitely be a girl with both looks & brains!

The Most Handsome Award~ Definitely goes to Benjamin Ong!
I thought he looked like some youth pop-star in the pictures! haha...

In conclusion: I realised that I am really a noise-producer! Everyone seems to be missing my lame jokes, crap talks, "sweet" vocal and the noise I make whenever I am around... They don't miss me physically, they miss me mentally! haha... Don't worry, I will keep that noise level up once I am back! :)