I cannot believe a thread named "31 things to say for a month" that I started 3.5 years ago had such a huge impact on me 24 hours ago. I re-read every single one of those 31 posts and found those posts to be so meaningful and a true reflection of my inner feelings and the kind of person that I am. I wrote them based on how I felt at that very moment and I could really see and feel for myself how much I have changed from 9 years ago when I started this blog and now.
I like especially the posts that I dedicated to my family members, perhaps because I have been away for too long and absence makes the heart grow fonder. I always send postcards to my family members and close friends whenever I travel because I think nothing beats receiving news of your loved ones while they are far away and from time to time, you think of them and cannot help but wonder how they are coping with life. People often talk about the language of love. I believe for me, it has got to be words. Three months ago, I would have no clue as to why I value writing and blogging so much and how this blog managed to survive despite my hectic schedule but the most meaningful saying that I come across last year, "Speaking is like having a conversation with a moment but writing is like having a conversation with eternity." uncovered the real reason. Being the perfectionist that I am, I covet eternity and writing does just that. However, as I age, I realise that nothing in this world is eternal. Promises are meant to be broken, "I love you forever" is often said but forever does not mean till death do us apart literally, just figuratively because time heals all wounds. I cannot comprehend how is it that two persons who were so madly in love with each other once can break all ties overnight and become enemies. Surely people change and maybe you will find each other incompatible but there should not be any love lost, right? However, reality is never on my side when it comes to these thoughts and perspectives. Therefore, if I know that a relationship is not going to last forever, then I would rather it had never begun. Perhaps that explains why I never say those words "I love you forever" easily, rather I opt for #foreveralone. I will never desert myself so no matter how quickly times would change or how fast people would move on and out of my life, I still have myself with me.
Those emotions that overwhelmed me last night also made me decided to send a postcard to my sister. I once had a conversation with her about why I choose to be #foreveralone but I sincerely hope that she will be able to find a life partner. Not everyone is suitable for such a lifestyle, to have to deal with all sorts of problems and setbacks by yourself. I feel that I have crossed the hurdle of knowing how to find peace within myself and enjoy my ME time without being conscious and affected by how others would possibly judge me and label me as a "loner". This explains my globetrotting adventures and this fighting spirit in me that nothing can get me down in this world except myself. However, my sister is entirely different from me. My love for her made me conscious that I do not hope that she will be like me to have to walk through this journey of life by her own will without a shoulder to lean on during the darkest hours in her life. No doubt she has me but I cannot be around forever and it is not easy to find a confidant as you get older. A lot of single women out there either have a faith or religion or even a soulmate to edge them on, just like my Er Jie who has God in her heart.
Lastly, I may feel uncertain and insecure now but I guess this was what I wished for 2 years ago when I left my job, to experiment with life and leap into the unknown. I find comfort in that I have not been entirely consumed by my fears thus far although there were days when I felt really lousy and simply buried my head in the pillow for hours. At this moment, I am glad that I wrote those posts 3.5 years ago because they reminded me that this was what I had wanted to do with my life. I am someone who sticks with whatever decisions that I make because I am aware that I never make rash decisions that would cause myself to regret later. Since I did my best given whatever information that I had at that point in time, what is there to feel sorry about subsequently?
I believe with my optimism, resilience and the love and support of the people around me, I will continue to advance through life with a smile on my face and appreciate the surprises at every corner.
冷的脸色 是证明自己坚强了
当我寂寞 默念这世界不会丢下我
时间的电影 结局才知道
原来大人已没有童谣
我们都要把自己照顾好
好到遗憾无法打扰
So well said.
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