Dreams and where do I go next?

Recently, I received a news which shocked me as I had never expected myself to be an intended recipient of the news in addition to how sudden the news is. Nevertheless, I am glad I did receive the news and I finally got a close off to that one thing that had bugged me for a year - saying my apologies and goodbyes properly. I think I am a rather sentimental person however, I tend to be non-chalant when I actually face it because as I age, I have learnt that nothing lasts forever - every banquet comes to an end (a Chinese saying). It had been extremely difficult for me to take the leap of faith a year ago considering the circumstances back then and a part of me always felt apologetic for making that move. It was indeed great to finally catch up on these things - reminisce about the past and at the same time talking about the future. I have a huge fear for commitment and rejection all my life. This time, I made that commitment and if the chance to ever commit arises, I will jump right into it without second thought. I might not be accepted but I have no regrets in making my feelings known this time round. After all, you only live once!

What are my dreams now? Where do I go next now? I have had my closures, have taken on the dream job but now what? I found myself missing the times in London when I first arrived the most although I do know that there is no way back. I once wrote a post about the search for the most beautiful flower on the road and how one can end up with practically nothing, because one keeps thinking that the next flower will be a more suitable one. I guess I am indeed that kind of person LOL. It is not just in my work pursuits but also in majority of my life pursuits. 

Where is my final destination? 

What our world is like these days?

It has been a while and I havent been writing even though so many thoughts race through my mind each and everyday. 

The world that we are leaving in these days is not so normal. Just when we thought C endgame is finally here, markets are finally calmed and life can resume normal, we suddenly have real invasion. Whatever that I write only represents personal thoughts and not my stand on what is right or wrong because there is simply no right and wrong in these things. 

I went to read up on the two atomic bombs that were dropped in Japan in 1945, how the Manhattan project came to birth, the people involved in it, etc. and then compared it to the circumstances today. The pilot who dropped the first bomb said he never regretted what he did. Dropping the bombs was the most efficient way to end the war and reduce casaulties, given Germany had already surrendered but Japan was still holding its fort and everyday countless American, Allied and Japanese soldiers were losing their lives. That said, it is indeed a moral dilemma. How about the people in Hiroshima and Nagasaki? Weren't they innocent as well or were they accomplices in the brutal Japanese invasion just because they kept their heads low, kept their mouths shut and did not oppose to the war? Does killing 200,000 lives to prevent a loss of 500,000 lives then justifies the use of a weapon of mass destruction? Do the 200,000 lives not have the right to choose and why are they the chosen ones to be sacrificed? We killed innocent lives in 1945, why are we letting history repeat itself? 

Back when I was at the UN, I vividly remember the gun statue - the only way for there to be peace in this world is when everyone decides to drop their guns, destroys all MWD. Unfortunately, there is always the excuse that you have xx so I do need one as well to "defend" myself. I guess no matter how we evolve as human beings, we are still animals and there will always be a minority with predator instincts (the fighters) whilst the vast majority continue to be preys (the fleers). It is the circle of life, whether we are in the 19th or the 21st century.  

2021, the year to take a leap of faith!  

Last post of the year once again, how is it that 365 days flown by silently? 

Everyone was expecting 2021 to be better than 2020 and we were all taken by surprise. Things got out of control especially towards the second half of the year and given 18 months of C, everyone was feeling the fatigue and could not care more about restrictions, distancing etc. anymore. I shall start off with my 2021 resolutions and look back on what I have achieved in the last 365 days. 

2021 Resolutions

1. Learn swimming - I will try in 2022 again! LOL

2. Return to tennis  Returned to Singapore in Apr while on gardening and am glad I went back to Tennis! My skills and stamina have both deteriorated and I cannot run as much as I used to, but at least I picked up my racquet once again! 

3. Be happy - be less serious, joke more and relive a little bit of my 18th year old year Things always happen in the way that you least expect. I spent much of 2020 alone in isolation and come 2021, I changed an environment and returned to the office. I told myself that I shall be less serious and indeed in the office, I often cracked jokes with my new colleagues to liven up the atmosphere and found the jovial me once again. 

Besides the ones that I listed above, halfway through 2021, I reflected on my 2020 posts and asked myself - why have I become so risk averse? Hence, I told myself that I have to pluck up my courage and make bold decisions once again and be less risk averse. Although I never returned to the badminton court back in London, I took other more risky decisions and I am glad I did all of those and found back the courageous me. There were things in 2020 that I achieved but reverted to old ways once again - my lifestyle, my snacking habit, and what not. I ate more fruits in 2021 definitely but my bedtime became later in the second half of the year, from 1am to 2-3am and I know that I should do something about that. My skin condition improved a lot from 2019 to 2020 and onward to 2021 and I am so thankful for this improvement. For 2-3 years from 2016 to 2019, I have been constantly troubled by outbreaks and it does in a way affect me from time to time. 

2020 Resolutions

1. Master one song on the guitar - preferably Mayday's song  拥抱，知足

2. Visit Russia Highly unlikely even for the next 1 year

3. Go on a family trip with my nieces (C, A) though this is probably beyond my control Highly unlikely even for the next 1 year

4. Live a healthier lifestyle - sleep earlier, more fruits (twice per week?) / vegetables, less chocolates and sweets, cutting away my snacking behaviour of eating chocolates everyday HAHAHA! I thought I did well during the first lockdown, not eating chocolates for 3 weeks in a row but it did not last long before I went back to my old ways. However, I did eat more fruits - blueberries/ apples weekly

5. Figure out my next step for this new decade - where next? what next? I guess my next step is still my current step but have a bit more direction

6. Look beyond others' judgment and live life / deal with work such that I am not subjected to anyone's whims and fancies

7. I hope my skin condition (face) improves - have been plagued by this acne problem ever since I left Singapore and sometimes I do not even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore :( Improved a lot during the first lockdown but back to the same old issue again in the last few months. I think it is mainly caused by stress and my snacking habit. When I was extremely occupied with work during Aug and Oct, that was when outbreaks became more common

What would I be looking to achieve in 2022: 

1. Be brave / risk-taking

2. Buy my own loft and figure out my next step 

3. Be back on the road travelling (hopefully)

4. Continue to be jovial / less serious

5. Learn swimming? 

6. Improve my lifestyle a bit - sleep earlier, snack less and exercise more! 

I guess I am that kind of person - If I do not set a target for myself, I will never try to change it. It is not that I open up my blog and read my new year resolutions every other week or month but that sub-consciously, when I write something down, I will be more inclined to work towards that target. 

This has been a year of change for me - taking the step out to take a flight home (FINALLY) after 1.5 years away from home, going through that anxiety and fear and having to overcome it, staying 21 days in a hotel alone, going through multiple swab tests and scares, etc. I changed a new environment - no doubt I miss some of the people in my old firm but change is inevitable, and I am now at a point of no return. I feel sadness sometimes because I felt like I lost a good working relationship, nevertheless, it might be one-sided thinking on my part, and for someone like me who tends to fear being on the heavier side of any relationship, I have to cut off the connection / stop myself from reminiscing about the past. I have a fear for commitment and given I have reached a certain milestone in life, it is time for me to commit into a house I guess. I need my own personal space if I were to eventually move back home. 

My story for this year's closing post is on how people stop having fun when they grow old. We used to enjoy all festives / special occasions e.g. CNY, Xmas, etc. because we have get-togethers with family and friends, do gift exchanges, spend time together, etc. As I age, I become a "no present" person not because I do not enjoy receiving gifts or gifting but that I think I am someone whom most people will struggle to buy gifts for. One, I am a rather practical person and do not want people to buy me gifts that I have no use for and end up having to think of how to dispose them - waste of money and their time and also I want to be environmental-friendly. As I age, I realised how gifting creates so much thrash and waste. Second, I can afford almost anything that I want which is why people often struggle to buy me something and I really have almost everything that I need to survive in life. It was also C that made me realised how little we need in life at times. For 18 months, I barely bought anything except food and some clothes and household necessities. As a result, I no longer do gift exchanges with most people and sometimes I wonder if not engaging in these activities makes one feel that they are losing out the fun because people love surprises and gifts. Instead, given that I spend most of my time away from home, I cherish the time spent with people, sitting together and talking about our lives, sharing our stories, etc. although not everyone enjoys that. 

I once told a dear friend that I try to keep in contact with people whom I cherish in life by writing to them, sending them postcards from time to time because I am the kind of person who struggles to strike a deep conversation with people whom I no longer talk to for a long time, no matter how close we used to be. Hence, while I make friends easily and have friends all over the world, I lost touch with most of them eventually. In the 5 years to 2020, I met a friend that related really well with me and for the first 3 years, I made an effort to keep in contact constantly but still, I lost to the fate of not being able to keep the friendship warm and distant away eventually. On one of the postcards that I sent, I wrote exactly that - that if I were to not talk to someone frequently, I will eventually struggle to keep in contact. Sometimes, I think I can really predict a part of my future and the saddest thing is even if you could foresee what will happen, you still cannot prevent yourself going down that route.

I do miss some of these friends whom I used to hang around with so much yet we are nothing but strangers now. Do I regret spending all those times with them even though I know that we will eventually become strangers? Honestly, I do not because they brought me happiness which is why I chose to spend time with them. However, I find myself less willing to actually make friends these days because I know that we will eventually become strangers too. This is why that saying came to mind as I wrote this post - we stopped not having fun not because we grew old but because we stopped having fun, that is why we grow old. 

2022, I hope it will be a good year for everyone and honestly, I truly hope that the people around me can feel happy again if I could make one wish!