When I do not write as much, it always has got to do with work. I am completely buried under work in this new environment, without the right kind of support and me being someone who is extremely responsible, perfectionist and wanting to take ownership does not help. This industry is tough but how you survive all depends on your character. If you can be non-chalant about certain things, you probably will find it easier to navigate through the never ending wave of tasks. Although I have been in this job long enough and know what to do and how to survive, sometimes I really question if this is the right job for me?
When I made the decision to move, I told myself that I will hang on for at least 2.5 years to the next milestone in this career, however I have been questioning myself so much in the past 2 weeks! When you look forward, 2.5 years seem really long. However, when you look backwards, 2.5 years seem like nothing. It has been 2.5 years since I moved to London. It has been 4.5 years since I started in this job. I was at Trafalgar Square this afternoon and memories flooded back when Doggie and I sat in the square chatting about life at large - 2 years ago! 2.5 years is nothing in the grander scheme of things and in a lifetime of 80 years, question is do I have 2.5 years more?
My niece's wish in 2018 was for me to return to Singapore, in fact not just my niece but all my loved and cherished ones back home - Bro, BH, Doggie, Mom for sure, Grandma and nephews! My niece has waited for more than 2.5 years! Do I have 2.5 years till I return to Singapore if I would like to be able to play mahjong with my grandma more often? Do I have 2.5 years in London before my nieces/ nephews no longer want to hang out with me/ spend time with me? Do I have the patience to pay another 2.5 years of taxes? Do I want to live the next 2.5 years working till 1am everyday and working even on Sundays?
I really wish for normalcy - if I could go back to travelling, if I could go back to badminton, I am sure 2.5 years would pass in the blink of an eye. I asked myself today - has my life moved forward or retracted backwards in the last 1.5 years ever since C started? I picked up the guitar and am now able to strum and sing. It has been my dream since I was 13 to be able to do that but I never once succeeded in picking up a musical instrument. C gave me the chance to fulfill this dream of mine. In exchange, I lost the opportunity to play badminton. I see my friends going back on court but I just dont have the courage to take that step forward to be in a mask-off environment and play a high intensity sport. All it takes is 1 person among the group to be infected and rest of the group gets implicated. Not so much of whether they infect me but also whether I will infect them given that vaccinated individuals carry an equal high amount of viral load as an unvaccinated one. I have contact with so many people on a daily basis when I go to the office.
I reminisce about the times my PIG sister and I went on road trips - US, Japan, Australia, Taiwan - me driving and her next to me struggling to find the directions and sometimes feeling so stressed out. The times I forced her to go travelling with me - Egypt, Is, etc. by enticing her with a $500 subsidy and then offering a loan for the remaining expenses. LOL. We have our fair share of disagreements and sometimes argue but at the end of the day, we continue to be each other's support in life. I am a forgetful person and I cannot remember any of the arguments we had during our trips anymore (though I bet my sister remembers them secretly ;p). All the sceneries that we passed by while driving were picturesque but these moments suddenly seem so out-of-reach.
I dont want to whine about C anymore because at least I have a job despite the crisis, I eat and sleep well and I have a roof over me and have access to healthcare facilities if I want to. There are many others who are facing issues with their livelihood, refugees from the various civil wars all around the world today. Our world needs to heal.
