Last post of the year, here we go!
This has been an extremely odd year, not just for me but for everyone, given Covid. Our usual way of life was transformed completely, things that we used to take for granted has now become an essential e.g. masks, washing our hands, spending time with our family and friends such as having a simple meal together, holding hands, giving hugs, soap, clean water etc. and things that we used to covet have become so useless while in quarantine and staying home e.g. branded clothes and shoes, cars, etc. There is so much to write as so many thoughts were flashing through my mind in the last 48-72h, however I am a bit loss for words now that I am right here typing.
I shall start off with my reflections. As I looked back at this year and the new year resolutions that I set for myself:
1. Master one song on the guitar - preferably Mayday's song 拥抱，知足
2. Visit Russia Highly unlikely even for the next 1 year
3. Go on a family trip with my nieces (C, A) though this is probably beyond my control Highly unlikely even for the next 1 year
4. Live a healthier lifestyle - sleep earlier, more fruits (twice per week?) / vegetables, less chocolates and sweets, cutting away my snacking behaviour of eating chocolates everyday HAHAHA! I thought I did well during the first lockdown, not eating chocolates for 3 weeks in a row but it did not last long before I went back to my old ways. However, I did eat more fruits - blueberries/ apples weekly
5. Figure out my next step for this new decade - where next? what next? I guess my next step is still my current step but have a bit more direction
6. Look beyond others' judgment and live life / deal with work such that I am not subjected to anyone's whims and fancies
7. I hope my skin condition (face) improves - have been plagued by this acne problem ever since I left Singapore and sometimes I do not even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore :( Improved a lot during the first lockdown but back to the same old issue again in the last few months. I think it is mainly caused by stress and my snacking habit. When I was extremely occupied with work during Aug and Oct, that was when outbreaks became more common
Well, I did strike off quite a few items on the list so I am glad. I picked up new skills as well and now can play the keyboard a bit. :) I made loads of progress on the guitar I must say, having learnt at least 10 songs now. My biggest companion in lockdown was the guitar and keyboard. What else?
One thing that I would like to talk about is routines - As I spent the last 9 months at home, I had plenty of opportunities to build up routines however, I realise that it is really tough. During the first lockdown, my routine revolved around making my own meals, playing the guitar for at least 30-45minutes each day, doing some stretching exercises daily. It was relatively easy to maintain and after my one-week break, I started to incorporate swinging the badminton racquet daily so I do not lose my skills, starting to play the keyboard (sometimes could play for 1-2 hours), re-learning Spanish again and taking online courses on politics, finance, music theory etc. It got too much for me in July /August when work was not just buy but overwhelming. I had to drop some of my KPIs haha! By the Sep break, I did none of the above on a daily basis. Instead, I did whatever I could during my spare time. After the Sep break, I started to do home workout exercises every other day or every 3 days (maximum) but I dropped Spanish lessons. Throughout these 9 months, it made me realised that it is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to keep up with having routines. I really salute people who can keep a daily routine for years because we all have days when we feel lazy and want to just lie in bed and not do anything. Going forward, I hope life regains some normalcy in 2021 and I can get back into my routine of playing badminton at least once a week ^_^
This then brings me to the next topic: bingeing on dramas. I prefer watching variety shows rather than dramas because once I start on a drama, I cannot stop. I will load one episode after another and before I know it, I finish a 50 episodes drama in like 2 days, watching it day and night. In those 2 days, I will drop all my routines and not play the guitar nor keyboard or even eat proper meals LOL. I will just snug under my covers with my curtains drawn and let day and night pass me by. I do not really enjoy such a lifestyle because I feel as though my life is being drained away. I would have a sense of guilt/ remorse for bingeing on dramas. Hence, I am hesitant to watch too many dramas. However, variety shows have a stipulated stop typically 12 episodes and there is not so much of a push to have to load the next episode when one ends as they are not linked.
I perhaps need not emphasise on the things that I miss this year: Badminton, Sports, Travel, seeing my family and friends for I have not been home the entire year, not taken a single flight the entire year and I have pretty much been living in isolation. T_T I feel like I am Tom Hanks in Castaway sometimes, albeit without Wilson and the beard. Wilson is probably my guitar. The good thing is I do not feel like I am entirely cut off from the world or my family because of Facetime. I get to call my nieces 2-3 times a week and seeing their happy faces cheers me up.
This was also a particularly difficult year when it comes to making decisions. I had wanted to go home on 3 different occasions and time and again, I did not. I just felt that I could wait a little while more and that the pandemic will be over, there will be less risks involved, etc. but unfortunately, hitherto, that day has not arrived. Simple decisions like buying some clothes, buying some household items, buying gifts for my nieces/nephews, etc. can also trouble me for days because I wonder if I have any use for them e.g. if I were to return home, when would I be able to return to the office, etc. I hate it this way because I am usually a very decisive person and once I decide on something, I almost never change my minds yet I see myself taking a U-turn multiple times this year.
I have become more risk averse as I age as well. I was someone who packed my bags and went to Vietnam for 21 days without a planned itinerary and went to anywhere that I liked. Where is the girl who braced all odds to travel solo for 3 weeks in Europe and Morocco? I pulled the plug on an amazing career and path and went unemployed for 9 months and travelled for almost 6 months after. I still vividly remember the butterflies in my stomach when I left home 5 years ago and embark on a brand new journey to study in Europe and LATAM and then did a 25-day trip in Peru, hopping from one unknown city to another just to realise my dream of visiting Machu Picchu one day. I can never forget the sounds and sights during my 2-month travel in South America. I moved to New York without a job to do a free internship just to live my American dream. No one knows how many times I sat near Brooklyn and Manhattan bridge listening to Mayday and JJ Lin songs and questioning myself whether I will ever find my next step in life? Then came the descend into the most questionable place on earth, Middle East, doing a mid-career switch into one of the most competitive and notorious modern industry. When I look back at my life thus far, I can no longer figure out what gave me the motivation or courage to overcome my fears to face the uncertainty when I made all those decisions? During one of my interviews, I told the interviewer. All my life, I have been choosing uncertainty when I faced certainty. This is the one time that I want to choose certainty over uncertainty. Now, I would be hesitant to quit my job, no matter how many times I had the resignation letter typed. Now, I cannot even convince myself to travel to anywhere in Europe no matter how close I am. Now, do I still even dream? If I do dream, what do I dream about then? This is the one thing that I dislike about my life right now if you ask me - I no longer dream. I no longer have a "dream" destination, "dream" job, "dream" city to live in, a real "dream" that would make me want to go all out and against all odds to work for. I will play the guitar and keyboard when I want to, I will travel when I am allowed to, I will move to another city/ country to work if the opportunity arises. I am simply waiting for things to happen, for opportunities to knock rather than actively pursuing it. Perhaps it is momentary because of C but who knows? Your dreams will fuel you, so never never lose your dreams.
Some people tell me perhaps aiming to buy your own home could push you - not really as although I do envy people who have their own nice cosy loft, I desire to be a global citizen with the seven seas as my home. Buying a nice big house with a mortgage will only keep me locked in like a cage. How about starting a family? That is even scarier. I love kids to be honest but I cannot imagine being tied down by a kid for the next 20 years of my life. It is not about the physical responsibilities of feeding, changing diapers, etc. but the education, upbringing, and associated worries that come with it - whether the child is healthy, whether the child will grow up to become an upright person, etc.
I am a strong believer of "no pain, no gain". Everything in life has to be traded. Nothing comes for free. People trade in their freedom to gain companionship - a spouse and child(ren). People trade in their time for status - a C-suite personnel having to look at emails all time, sacrificing time with their family, sacrificing their hair and brain cells for their position. People trade in their privacy and self-worth to become celebrities - taking in people's abusive remarks and criticisms. People trade in their own lives to save other lives - a medical professional in a pandemic. People trade in their innocence to grow up. There are so many more examples, and there is simply no right or wrong. It is all about perspective and what you are after in life. What did I trade in for my profession?
Someone once told me that I was innocent and naive (in a good way) when I was 18. I let my feelings dictate my decisions. When you get older, your decisions tend to be more thought-out because your feelings will not be your sole consideration. I did not understand what that meant at that time. Now that I am all grown-up, I am thankful that I once received these words of wisdom. I am a very "young at heart" person, known as a chatterbox in my younger days, enjoys cracking jokes, etc. but as I age, I feel that I have to behave more maturely and considerate towards others. I joke less because I am not sure if my unintended words would hurt my recipient. I dare not speak my mind because I feel it is unnecessary - you should never have to waste time trying to convince someone. If you do, it means you share different POV and having differences is what makes us similar. I become quieter as I respect privacy, differences, etc. To a certain extent, some of my friends/colleagues tell me that I am too tense and serious at times or that they think that I am a shy person. In my heart, I tell myself that these people who make such comments about me do not know the real me. I used to be labeled as opinionated, outspoken, outgoing and bubbly back in school. I guess this is all part and parcel of growing up but I do reminisce about the past from time to time; times when I could be who I am freely, not having to care about how others will judge me or if my actions would hurt anyone. No one has the ability to remain a child all their life so we have to accept what comes our way. Perhaps it is not that they do not know me but that I have changed. I am no longer the me when I was 18/20/22. Whether it is the old me or the new me, I have to live with it.
With that, I sign off my last post of 2020 with my resolutions for next year:
1. Learn swimming
2. Return to tennis
3. Be happy - be less serious, joke more and relive a little bit of my 18th year old year
When I was young, I wanted to be extraordinary. I want to be different; break out of the mould of having a good education, good job, good family, beautiful house in my home country, hence I left home. Today, on the last day of the year, I saw a saying that actually stirred up some emotions in me - 这一生志愿平凡快乐，谁说这样不伟大呢？In English, it means "Who says an ambition cannot be as simple as living an ordinary and happy life?" It struck a chord in me because I was watching a drama recently and the actor in the show also transitioned from a typical white office collar to becoming a star. When he shot to fame, he then faced some criticisms which honestly is no fault of his. It made me wonder - what made him decide to enter showbiz when he had already had a decent job and could live a simple and peaceful life away from the blinding lights and cameras of showbiz and be subjected to public scrutiny, especially entertainment is also a highly competitive industry and one having to face newcomers that probably started training at a young age and making their debut at half his age? It does not seem like his life dream was to become a celebrity because if he did, he probably would have started much earlier neither did he seem like he was doing it for money. I guess only he himself knows and GOD knows.
With that, I sign off: If I were to choose again, I would still choose to be extraordinary and made the same choices that I did.
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