Unwinding down this extremely long day

Today has been an extremely long day for me. 

5 hours of sleep and I was awakened by the need to submit my health check report and the day starts with final revision and then preparation for the exam. I must say that I was a little hesitant about enrolling in this course as I do not want to be "paying to suffer". The last 2 weeks have flown past really quickly while in quarantine with me spending an average of 6-8 hours studying each day while maintaining my routines such as stretching, home workouts, playing the guitar and what not. It was not easy to do this home online exam because they were really strict about a "clean desk" policy and the funny thing was the fact that I was on recording was completely at the back of my mind with me and my usual "curses and swears" in the background when asked to even remove the piece of paper used to facilitate my mouse. Halfway through the exam, my phone started ringing and I kinda panicked as I was afraid it would be one of those random call checks again and I was not allowed to in any way be non-visible on the webcam or whatsoever. I had to rush through the last 30 questions just to make sure that I will not be disrupted by knocks on my room door. It all ended well and I submitted the answers 45 minutes ahead of time and honestly, did not check through all the questions given the constant ringing of my phone. 

The second half of the day then revolves around the decision for me to move on. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights I had had since this opportunity popped up. I thought about all the comfort that I have right now and having to leave behind everything and start afresh. Even though I had gone through what I wanted to say at least a 1,000 times in my head, I just cannot control my own emotions while saying it. I am terrible at goodbyes but I knew I had to say everything that I wanted to say. No one truly knows what I have gone through in the past 1 year - stuck in a room for 375 days and not having any social interaction in person, going from bed to desk to kitchen and back to bed, having my favourite hobbies all stripped out from my life and then constantly struggling at a hundred things. I doubt I would have survived the year without my niece calling me on Facetime every week, my marathon chats with Chris, partying on a singing app with my sister, cousins and nieces. Indeed, the year has not been easy for anyone I believe, but given what I have gone through, I feel that I really need a change. Like I have mentioned previously, no one knows what to expect when making a change. It could be for the better or for the worst but until you try, you will never know. Once I have made up my mind to take the leap of faith, I am doing it. It was a difficult 2 hour conversation for me in the evening, having to explain my rationale for doing so and I know that it is also customary for the receiving parties to try to convince me otherwise but trust is such a heavy word sometimes. 

Who do you trust and whom can you trust?

A new life, new thoughts

Yes, I made the transition from Dubai to London and have finally settled down in London after 1.5 months - exams cleared, IT settled, found a place to stay, some social badminton, etc. but I honestly miss my life in Dubai.

Taking a severe pay cut was one of the things that I managed to come to terms with pretty quickly since I knew it was going to happen and it was all about managing expectations. I enjoy living in London, since it's summer now, weather is cooling and lots of events happen in London all the time. Changing a team was a good move as well - my direct boss is someone who is really kind and I truly enjoy working with him, hitherto. In terms of work, given that I was highly valued in Dubai, I was given all the interesting projects to work on but here in London, it is not always so but I still hope I can learn as much as I can.

Back to my personal life, the first few weeks when I was here, I was busy with exams, settling in, etc. and all I did was sleep the weekends away given that I had to work late all the time during the weekdays, so much so that it has made me kinda lazy. I recently read an article about the importance of discipline - how it is painful to discipline ourselves and exert restraint in our daily lives - eating the right kind of food, exercising, staying committed, etc. I feel that I have discipline when it comes to certain things but truly lacks discipline when it comes to many things.

One, I eat too much chocolate and sweet stuff here in the UK. Since I was here, I have eaten close to 4 packets of this really nice chocolate and hazelnut crepes from Lidl, 3 packets of x16 M&S teacakes, countless bars of chocolates, nuts and chocolate raisins. I think it is really unhealthy to have so much sugar intake though I go to the gym and all. This is worse than when I was in Dubai when I used to buy tons of chocolate bars, feast on Tim Tam's, nutella bars, etc. when I had to work late into the night. I have been telling myself that I need to put a stop to all these snacks but I always feel that why make my life so difficult and stop myself from eating all these snacks that I truly love? Life is short, I I should enjoy it while it lasts.

Then I decided to join a running group that my family started to clock 50km of running within a month. i am 9 days away and I have clocked only 24.6km, not even halfway. To get to 50km, it means i would have to run an average of 3km per day. It is not just the running for me I feel, it is also the aftermath of cleaning the dirty and soiled clothes that I absolutely dread and also the inner desire within me - I do not feel compelled to accomplish the challenge. I tried to discipline myself in other ways though - I signed up for bike sharing to force myself to cycle to work and back because I paid for it so I would feel compelled to use the service but I do not know how long I can sustain it before I will eventually give up. Hahaha! There is one thing that I managed to convince myself to keep up with and that is badminton - I looked for groups to join and I would even travel 45-50mins just so I can play badminton.

I told myself to read up more about my work, to brush my knowledge and I have been doing so during my free time but question is - for how long can I keep it up before I get sick and tired again? Almost half of the people from my analyst class has left the bank and went on to pursue greener pastures and I was telling my sis that at times, I wonder if I should? I do not think that I am weaker than them in terms of ability but I just do not know what to do next? I enjoy my current work, albeit the crazy hours. Many a times, the crazy hours can simply be avoided in my humble opinion but given that I am in one of the best jobs (IMO again), I do not see myself quitting IB and going to some other field. Some of my friends have moved on to do their own startups, others to private equity, some to SWFs, and others to corporates etc. What about me? For me, I only want to become better - go to a better firm or a strong PE firm but I am afraid of the endless competition tbh. All my life, I have been competing or rather forced to compete and I cannot help feel tired at times.

I have been lying in my bed - been on youtube or sleeping for 2 Saturday's, like it or not. I enjoy nua-ing on my bed and it gives me utility to not do anything, having fried my brain for the entire week at work but sometimes I feel guilty for doing what I do. I feel like I am wasting my time away lying on my bed. I had wanted to go watch Wimbledon today but I wasn't up for queuing for tickets in the wee hours of the morning hence I gave up after having woken up at 11.30 am.

I moved on from Dubai to London. Although I do miss my friends in Dubai a lot, I knew I had to move on. Dubai is a transient place and my friends will move away from Dubai some day too. It was only a matter of time and hence I told myself that I have to move on. It was not difficult for me to settle into London emotionally, particularly helped by the weather (very good thus far), because it has its own charms and I still get to do the things that I enjoy - badminton. However, I never felt guilty when I used to lie around at home in Dubai on my Saturdays. I played badminton for 4 hours on Friday usually and I would usually sleep my Saturday away before going back to work on Sunday so why do I feel differently here in London?

The fact that I am in Europe now, I could always take the weekend to travel somewhere and especially since I am such a "travelholic". However, I do not see myself doing so. Some days I just feel that I have been to all these places and what is the point of me going there on my own again?

I am blogging because I feel that I need a change in my life - which is why I chose to move to London but I see myself lingering in my old self in Dubai - nua-ing on the weekends and seemingly missing the tax-free income hahahaha...

How does it feel to be not unhappy but not feeling happy either?

Setting Sail Once Again

As I am writing this, I am on my way to New York, commonly known as the Big Apple. I never expected myself to do this, go on an unpaid internship and in a foreign place far away from home. 

I did not have such uncertainties or anxiety when I left for the UK a year ago because I was going to Europe, a place which I know at my fingertips. Be it the culture, language, places, etc. Now, I am completely foreign to NY and not know what to expect. I have to start work a day immediately after I arrive and I do not know how I can adapt to life in NY. 

I was hesitant about going on this internship initially because of financing reasons for I have to burn another huge part of my savings to pay for rent and living expenses. However, it is the UN! 

I have always dreamt of working for an international organisation, be involved in work that can have a global impact etc. so I simply cannot give up this chance. There is no guarantee that I would be employed eventually but this is a risk that I am taking and I hope it is an investment that can reap returns. 

As I sit on the plane and write this, a lot of thoughts flashed through my mind. First, I thank God for giving me so many different life experiences to empower me to pluck up my courage to set sail. I have been adapting to change constantly my entire life and this is not any different. Although the outcome may be positive or negative, for if I do not find a job in NY eventually, I will go home broke and stressed over my next step in life. However, at least I have had the opportunity to work in one of largest organisations in the world. Life has always been smooth-sailing for me and I have been very blessed, that I cannot or should not ask for more. 

Second, I have my family and friends to thank for this. First, Yee Leen for introducing me her friend, Alina, for she will be such a big help in terms of helping me to settle down in the city asap. Besides, YL has always been my listening ear, someone whom I pour all my sorrows and grouses to. Though we chat less these days, I always appreciate her presence and her friendship. She is very positive and always takes setbacks in her stride. I like her motto, “Complain less and do more”. Second, my lil sister who sees my dreams and encourages me to pursue them. I know that my departure will once again leave a void in the family and it is selfish of me to leave my parents behind and my sis to deal with them. Their support to me is something that I can only be grateful towards eternally. Like I told Bro, if you love someone, do not clip their wings and stop them from scaling to greater heights in life. The conversation that we had hours ago before I took flight once again left me something to ponder on. I told Bro that I will feel like a big fish in a small pond if I were to stay in Singapore but now I am probably gonna be the smallest big fish in the big pond. It hit me hard when I said this, was I too self-conceited? I have confidence in my own working capabilities though I may not be the smartest person on earth or not even the top 10% in Singapore. However, I believe in my own attitude; perseverance and positivity which will tide me through even the darkest hours of my life. I hope to make them proud when I eventually return home after 3 months. The most important takeaway from that conversation for me was “humility”. I am starting from ground zero and I have to be patient and humble to pick up the ropes and keep an open mind. 

Third, NM! 😃 I do not know why but he gave me so much strength during my time in Serbia. Everything that he told me about himself, life, politics, the world, and me made me so determined that I cannot tiptoe through life. It would be wonderful if I were to stay in Singapore, continue my teaching career and tuition as a side business. My family will be happy since they want me to be around and I will have all the money in the world to travel. However, that thought does not strike a chord in me. I will not feel accomplished the day that I close my eyes, at least that is what I think. This is my last leap into the unknown because if I were to fail this time, I know I will have to go home and face my fate and lead an ordinary or normal life. 😔  Although he may have lied in his stories, since he always tells me “not to trust a Serb” and “not to trust him”, my gut feeling tells me that he does not lie to me at the very first instance. Everything that he told me about himself is true. He always says that I spread positivity propaganda to him, and I believe that I have motivated him to work hard and lead an extraordinary life but he does not see the opposite. He does not know how much what he said to me, meant to me. For he sees my dreams and believes that I can accomplish them. Many people will not understand what I seek in life or believe in me, but he DOES, even though it may just be a lie. I do not know how life would turn out for him eventually, but I hope that he will not be one of those smart people who will be unhappy because expectations fall short of reality. I was once stuck in this pothole and I felt miserable. I may have to undergo these emotions once again in life with this decision that I made but NM made me feel like, “you can dictate your own future”. Make the right decisions that will lead you to your ultimate goal. We want to be different, we dream big and want to achieve big and we made a promise to wait for each other at the finishing line. It would be amazing if we could journey together and provide the much needed support but unfortunately, we have very different values and beliefs and what he wants to achieve might not be what I want to achieve. But I am so thankful that I met him, for he changed my life in a span of 6 days. I promise, “To live well and stay on the bright side of life”. If the world is filled with lies and conspiracies, I am glad this one lie changed me, for the better or worse, we will have to live through it to know the answer.

Curtains are drawing

Time seems to have whizzed past me once again in the last 8 months. It was not too long ago that I packed my bags and left my country for new adventures. In the last 8 months, I have been very fortunate to have forged many new friendships, hopefully lasting ones as well. I have always been able to warm up to people easily in a new environment but it takes longer for me to allow them to walk into my life and discover who I am as a person. However, once that barrier is crossed, I grow an attachment towards them and find it hard to say goodbye.

In 2 weeks' time, I will have to say goodbye to all these friends of mine and saying goodbye has always been really difficult for me. I am afraid I will tear, because I will probably not see some of these people for the rest of my lives. There are others, however, that I have made promises to visit and reminisce about the old times together in the not so distant future. This week has been particularly hard for me, I do not know why, perhaps withdrawal symptoms from my last two trips with these awesome people, first in Rio and then in the Amazonian rainforest. It has been a long time since I had such strong withdrawal symptoms, the last I remembered was when I returned from Israel and I was so overwhelmed by everything that I had seen there. It is worse that we are preparing for our final exams so we do not go to school and do not get to talk to each other. We are basically cooped up in our own homes.

In Amazonia, we were cut off from our mobile phones because there was no mobile network so I was constantly chatting with my friends, about anything under the Sun. After we returned, I find myself talking to a few of them constantly on messenger and WA because we had kind of grown an attachment during the trip. You know who will sit right next to you on every boat ride, who will not be too far away from you so as to be able to offer a helping hand, etc.

As I look back at our time here, I realise that we spent the most time together when we were in the UK because we were living in close proximity and there were so many events. I am particularly proud that I managed to organise the International Food Festival, not just because of the food but also for keepsake purposes.

In Spain, I was travelling a lot more and I was sick for a week so I missed out on some activities. Nevertheless, whenever I was around, I was sure to join them for a trip and also organised a few dinners with Diego, Sergio, Carlos, Bernardo and Eva. :) How I miss those times.

Moving forward to Brazil, we continued our rendezvous to Chapada, Rio, Amazonia, steak house, etc. I once wrote about a set of lyrics, that any stranger may unknowingly become a person whom you are so close with. Diego and Sergio were the first people I went to the supermarket with in the UK, and though they were not so open at the start and I tried really hard to keep conversations going, definitely not as sociable compared to Alfonso, I am so close to them these days I don't know how it happened?

I know new adventures lie ahead of me, I will make new friends along the way and these people will slowly fade out from my life. Nevertheless, the bonds that I have forged with the people here will stay with me for life. This time round, farewell is much harder than in Stockholm.

Perspectives

It has been almost 2 months since I last came to Stoke-on-Trent. I have met people from all walks of life in my time here and each of them has a different perspective to share with me. Perhaps it is because of my age that's why I can talk to anyone about everything under the sun, except those that are really really young.

Today, I had an interesting conversation with one of my Bulgarian friend about how it feels to grow old. She asked if I actually felt that I am different compared to when I was 10 years ago? I told her about my "What would I be story?" and she had a good laugh about it. She said she wanted to write something on "What would she be when she is 30 years old?" I think she mentioned something that really left a deep impression on me, about how as a teenager, you make a lot of harsh decisions, think that you can overcome any obstacles out there and are decisive on all kinds of matter. As you age, you start to think a little more about every little thing. I totally agree. I am a decisive person but not to the extent of being rash. Occasionally, I speak too fast and may end up hurting others but most of the time, I do not. I make decisions quickly because I hate wasting time on jumping from one decision to another but that doesn't mean I do not weigh my options carefully. That's why I feel that even though I am 28, I still continue to have fun, laugh out loud and just enjoy in every happy moment that I experience.

Then, some of my badminton friends found out that I was actually 28 and they were absolutely shocked. They thought I looked like 20! So one of the guys actually asked me why is it that I choose to reveal my age? There is nothing to hide, that's what I feel. I have lived in this world for the last 28 years and I think that I have not lived in vain. I have gained a lot of experiences on my travels, meet people from so many different countries, learnt so much about them and am still learning. I may not have a lot of money, may not have a dream career, may sometimes wonder what the hell am I doing with my life but on the overall, I think I am a happy person. I just want to be free and at this very moment of my life, I am free and I am really happy. I know the time will come when I have to start thinking about my future again, where will I go after this Master's? Sometimes, it is these thoughts that make me shiver because that is when my age works to my disadvantage.

After that, I spent 2 hours of my time chatting with this guy from China, who appears to be a rich kid and knows nuts about this highly competitive world, but turns out to be more mature for someone his age. We were talking about society, culture, economy of China, etc. and I definitely did not think he was capable of this. To a certain extent, I agree with him to a certain extent with regards to the situation in China. All those complaints about human rights, environmental pollution, etc are part of the sacrifice necessary to make China the next America or the UK. The US and UK suffered so much during the American Civil War and Industrial pollution, and that made them the two most powerful countries in the last 3 centuries. However, there was no "US" or "UK" to complain about the pollution and lives lost when the two economies underwent development. Coincidentally, I recalled the tour to the pottery factory in Stoke-on-Trent whereby they talked about how some workers in the potteries never lived beyond 40 because of them breathing huge amounts of coal and other pollutants while working in the potteries or coal mines. I also better understood the mindset of many so-called PRCs and I know why their motivation in life is MONEY.

The more people of different nationalities that I meet, the more I appreciate the fact that we are all different, motivated by different things in life and there is no need to change a person to conform to your beliefs or thinking or vice versa. Ah life, ah humans....

Stepping out of my comfort zone

7 years ago, I embarked on my student exchange to Sweden and had one of the most memorable journeys in my life. A week ago, I decided to pursue my Master's overseas and lugged my bags with me to the UK once again. So much has changed in the last 7 years and I have once again met people from different backgrounds.

I had 35kg of my daily life with me this time round, pretty much the same as 7 years ago but I definitely brought with me more comfort. I went shopping after settling down in my new place and find myself going around buying a lot of things that I was so used to using them when in Singapore. Compared to 7 years ago, I live simply. I guess that's the difference when you have enjoyed material comfort and have the purchasing power to afford comfort. When I visit the supermarket, I will not scrimp and save but keep a lookout of things that I enjoy eating, seafood, salmon, what not. Back then, my fridge was filled with sausages, crabsticks and cheap processed food that were cheap by a student's standards but pathetic by my standards these days. LOL.

In addition, I have a young girl from Kazakhstan as my neighbour and she is like a reminder of my younger self. She told me this is the first time that she is living abroad on her own, in fact also the first time she left home. She is very homesick and she does not know her way around Europe. She can speak English but really basic conversational level and she finds it hard to communicate with others. Cultural differences meant that many of the other European students or more Americanised students from the Middle East, Eastern Europe and even South America have communication barriers with her. She does not know how to cook and I think she does not want to spend too much on her daily life so that she can use the excess for travelling. I was once in her shoes many years ago but I was definitely better off. At least I had Kim and Monica who came from the same country as me as company.

However, I guess she is in company that is more open compared to my times in Stockholm. Perhaps it is because of age, back then when I was in Stockholm, the majority of my neighbours were enrolled in the CEMS programme and honestly it was quite difficult to break into their social circle. They were much older than us and I feel that they had higher social status - be it wealth, family background, etc. compared to the friends that I have made thus far. Most of them are from Western Europe - Holland, France, Germany, Spain, etc. and they are very 'atas'. However this time round, we are all studying in the same Master's course, around the same age and also people come from more humble backgrounds or countries - Czech Rep, Brazil, Albania, Central Asia, Bulgaria, Belgium, etc. They look beyond skin colour and race and make friends with everyone. That to me, is definitely more important than anything else.

I myself was also quite shocked with my own experiences. I came here, expecting to be independent, cook my own meals and buy my own food but because we all came from different countries and had nothing with us, everyone was willing to chip in and share to buy some food. However, we have not started cooking together, perhaps because we weren't big enough a group, compared to the times when I was in Stockholm. Nevertheless, I look forward to the different parties that we can organise - Middle Eastern, Brazilian, Czech, Bulgarian, etc. as we spend time together for the next 1 year.

There are things that I like about my times in Stockholm and others that I felt was missing from my experiences but I think that my mindset is the most important in shaping my experiences. That is what I constantly share with this young and innocent neighbour of mine. She will have a good time in the next 1 year I believe and bring home with her memories that will stay on for a lifetime! :)

My 2013 so far and results day

Oh well, after that last blog post about changing my lifestyle for 2013, I am really pleased with myself for taking the first step out towards my next phase of life. Yes, less NUA-ing, more disciplined when it comes to planning for the future, etc.

In another 12 hours time, I will be seeing the fruits of my labour for the last 3 years. From the very first day I entered the classroom, I guess this is the moment that I have been preparing for! I had sent text messages to several of the people whom I will be seeing tomorrow and as the clock ticks, I feel my emotions getting more and more out of control. The last time I had to undergo such emotions was 3 years ago when I checked my final semester's results in Japan! This time round, it is not my own academic results that I am checking but it is indirectly a reflection of my ability, hardwork, aptitude, pride, whatever you call it. But most importantly, a lot more is at stake and that is the future of the people who had trusted me in the last 3 years.

We worked and worked to go through the 2 years to see them going for the exam 3 months ago and now, they had been judged and the outcome of this judgment is just hours away. Most of my students worked really hard and I honestly think they deserve a good grade but I cannot judge this time round if they will be duly rewarded.

I have never sat for this exam before but I know that unlike 'O' levels, it is not one that you will get to see only happy and relieved faces. Some will cry inevitably, some will be beyond consolation, some put on a masked happy and smiling face. Whatever the expression, no one knows exactly how their emotions will battle within themselves when they see their results. All that I can do or have been doing all these whiles is nothing but pray.

I told an ex-student that if you put in the effort, you will be duly rewarded. You might not shine but you will definitely not fumble. God will watch over you. I am no Christian, no Catholic, no Buddha or whatever. I always believe that when you trust that there is a greater power out there that is beyond control, you feel assured, more assured. Nevertheless, who am I to say that when I had not been let down academically for the last 10 years or so? Can I truly empathise with the situation? What I had gone through 14 years ago is vaguely present in my memory though I will never forget the disappointment on other people's faces.

Commendation knocks in the most unexpected fashion

I was destined to be an underperformer in her eyes ever since that fateful day when I challenged her overtly. Today, she surprised me by commending me. Her commendation came at a moment that I least expected. However, I am grateful for all that she has shown me and in a fashion, yeah enlighten me. :)

We do not always get what we want in life, but we must have dreams and the courage to live our dreams.

As 2010 draws to a close

These days, life does not just pass. It whizzes pass. I do not recall that it was a year ago that I splurge on my LV bag, went on tour for 3 weeks in Japan and Taiwan, and got all bumpy about finally graduating from NUS. In fact, it seemed to me all that happened just months ago. It is insanity to actually tell people that 3 years ago, I went to Stockholm for exchange and lived one of the happiest moments of my life there.

Recently, the weather has been erratic. Snowstorms all over Europe, even the temperature in Hong Kong fell below zero (simply ridiculous). That has indeed brought back memories about my Stockholm days, when Kim and I got uber excited about seeing snow in Stockholm, outdoor ice-skating, building snowman, etc. My love for Europe is beyond imagination. Some day I will return, I told myself.

And how has my 2010 been thus far?

The working world is indeed really different from school. You have income but you have more responsibility. You have holidays but it also means you have more work. I have never doubted my own desire to educate, but I have been questioning my desire to stay on in the job. The job really derives a lot of satisfaction, especially when you see your students making progress along the way. However, I think that satisfaction is unable to fill me, fill my desires and make me contented. I want to do more, with each passing day. Life at work is mundane compared to life when I was a student: more happenings, more jokes, more laughter, more friends, more conversations, more learning, more knowledge, more control.

Your friends at work discuss about the same things everyday. Their conversations are much like a routine. The conversation revolves around the same topic; students, results, exams, CCAs, shopping for girls, etc. I feel that the number of intellectual conversations that I engage in has decreased exponentially while in school.

Honestly, I feel that when you step into the working world officially, you start to think more (not necessarily deeper). You become more risk-averse, you try to calculate and weigh your benefits and costs for each step that you take, you behave more appropriately socially. However, you lose your innocence and candour. You become overtly mindful of other people's feelings, so you lose yourself. I still prefer the me when I was a student.

Then I was dumped into NIE and overwhelmed with assignments. I had less time for myself but I got to meet new friends. I meet interesting characters; people of diverse background but at least we share something in common: we all have a passion for teaching. I do not get to engage in conversations outside of assignments (tons of project discussion) but I spend more time reading the Economist, Nat Geo, news, and books that I like. So there is a trade-off. My writing has toned down a lot, less of the fanciful analogies, idioms, catch-phrases but more of formal expressions, which I really disdain.

The highlight of 2010 was probably the trip to Egypt, the land of civilisations. Egypt has really aroused my interest in ancient history. I have always been fond of history, be it ancient, middle ages, european, asian, or whatever. However, I lack the discipline to actually visit the library to get the books and read them. But well, yesterday is not representative of tomorrow. We should move on.

My 2010 is definitely not as colourful and vivid as my 2009, and you can corroborate from the number of blog posts that I made this year. Hopefully, my 2011 will be more fascinating. :)

Words have no meaning, you put meaning into them.

I have always uphold this view that "words have no meaning, it is the reader that puts the meaning into the sentences." Indeed, I was proven right yet again! I have absolutely no intention of putting anyone down in the process and in fact, I was already feeling awful that things had turned out the way it did. Someone dealt me another blow when the comment that "I seem to be shifting the blame to someone else" came out from her mouth. C'mon, be professional and objective. Stop putting words into my mouth and degrade my intentions.

I have not been blogging that often these days and it has indirectly affected the way I express certain ideas, perhaps.

so swarmed with work....

NIE is supposed to be a breeze, isn't it? It seems like I am more swarmed with work than ever, at least 20 assignments due of various degrees thus far. And I've got to take tests (MATH)! I'm fearless when it comes to Math exams since young but this time round, things are really different. It seems to me that the questions are more like Maths Olympiad Questions then mathematical questions. :( Oh well, to think I said I do not think that anyone can fail SMMT. I retract those words of mine. :(

And yes, november has too many deadlines awaiting me. I honestly need a break! :( I wanted to take time off to chill, sit down with friends and do nothing, play more tennis than ever, go back to studying French but none of these are on my agenda! Not that I will accomplish all of them without those assignments but perhaps the probability of accomplishing some is way higher!

Perhaps, wake me up when "December" comes. Cause that will be when all the deadlines are over and I can finally have a good break, enjoy my birthday month as usual. I love December!!!! :)) Nonetheless, they never last. From birthday to X'mas then New Year, time whizzes past always. And I vividly remember, last December I was away for almost the entire month. The kind of life I lick my lips over all the time! Not this December anymore.

Nonetheless, there are perks to me joining the force. Occasionally, I get text messages from my ex-students or meet them on the bus and we get to catch up on our lives. :)) And when they tell me how darling I was a teacher to them, my heart melts. Teaching is really a very satisfying job. :))

Enough of whining, back to work. :((

Trade-offs

Oh well, the past one week I've been digging myself in Mathematics. So much that I discovered I've a burning passion for it. Mathematics rocks! :))

And, I realise I really enjoy studying. Vividly remember how I used to laugh @ my friends for being bookworms, burying themselves in books. Oh well, so who's a frequenter of the library these days?

K is flying to Sweden ONCE AGAIN! Sometimes I really envy for all that he has. A warm AND rich family, an overseas job which allows him to shutter between SG and Sweden every now and then, a bunch of like-minded friends who play music, and many more.

But I guess that's the trade-off for subjecting myself to a bond. Less freedom, but perhaps more of other stuff?

Sick (Again)

Haven't have the time to sit down to update my blog.

Been busy with school mostly, some tennis here and there, shopping, and chilling out with friends.

Maybe having to wake up early is really taking a toll on my body which explains why I fell sick for the 3rd time in less than a year! Arrgghh! I hate to be sick especially when I am down with a running nose. :(( It's extremely irritating when I've to keep wiping away the snivel. :(

So I was on MC for 2 days. I hate to be consistently on MCs because I am grounded @ home, and others might see me as a weakling which is totally untrue! I play sports actively and my physical condition cannot be better! It's just that with my throat completely sore (can't utter a proper sentence without my voice going hoarse), I would be better off resting @ home (according to the doctor). Plus, he says that I shouldn't be in school if not I will spread the virus to students, and my colleagues. :))

Please, don't fall sick again, my dear body!

Just-for-laughs.

My friend from India is getting married. She invited us to attend her wedding. 5-10 August.

Checked air tickets. $511/-. May I?

I went into the salon, flipped open the female mag as usual. Saw the latest louis vuitton ad.

New bag. Sistine Damier Ebene. Checked. $2.3k. May I?

Then I came back home. I looked at the pile of papers and envelops on my desk. Found my latest cc & other bills.

Looked @ the amount. WOW! I should hit lala land soon. The above will happen in my dreams. :))

Sorry but you don't belong here.

This feeling constantly bugs me. That I am simply a girl who is born in the wrong country. Seng told me the same thing 3 weeks back and I was taken aback when he told me that. Now, I am CERTAIN that he is ABSOLUTELY right!

The reasons behind the bug could be attributed to the environment that I am in, the people whom I interact with, the values that I uphold or the belief that is firmly rooted in me, etc.

I like to stand up against unjust, like to fight for my own rights, believe in being truthful to myself and to others, respect privacy and expect others to respect my privacy as well, love freedom, believe in human rights not hierarchies, hate to compete with others, love doing things at my own pace, blah blah blah...

Yet when I look around at the people in my social circle everyday,

they lie whether for the good or for the bad,

intrude other people's privacy,

overtly coward towards standing out and up for themselves,

rather take it lying than to oppose,

willingly be succumb to authority, ranks, and hierarchies,

comply than to question,

compete just because they are afraid of losing to some others,

critical and stingy with praises,

scold and reject without providing alternatives or guidance,

Just what is wrong with this world and the system that is meant to teach us all to become all-rounded individuals?

The past one week I've been so swarmed with the project work drafts. I volunteer to help those students not because I think that they are stupid and immature to come up with any brilliant ideas. Rather, I simply just can't sit and watch them suffer and endure the constant rejection and scoldings from someone who doesn't provide them with alternatives! So much so for getting the students to work on alternatives when the educator herself is incapable of doing so.

In all 23 years of my life, I have always been a critical person. And I think this critical side of me is attributed to my idiosyncratic desire to want things in life to be perfect, or at least near to perfect. However, with age comes wisdom and I slowly learn to appreciate that imperfections can beautify your life. That was when I started to appreciate the little things in my life that are imperfect in my opinion but perfect to some others. I should be less critical and more generous with praises because we all need constant motivation and assurances to excel in life.

So last night, I finally couldn't take it and voiced out my opinions. I reckon that if someone does not know how to respect others, then he or she doesn't deserve even the basic respect that comes with her role or status. In terms of IP, I have yet to witness how brilliant or solid her content knowledge is. Where building rapport with students is concerned, she is a complete failure. Evaluating her professionalism and code of conduct, the person who grades her really needs to refresh her memory of what the two entail.

After entering university and having worked in the corporate world for so long, I thought I have learnt how to keep my emotions in check. God knows I was totally wrong. I am still the me who loves to voice out and speak up when I feel things ought to be better managed. The weirdest thing is they are still issues that do not concern me i.e. I am not standing up for myself but for those who are naturally less strong and more dependent on others. WTH is wrong with myself? I just cannot tolerate such nonsense and watch the people whom I care for being subjected to such mental tortures and sufferance!

But of course, I have always reiterated that I only help those who show me that they wish to help themselves. Students who come running towards me at the very last minute, hugging the buddha leg and request for help. Hello! I am a human being, not BUDDHA! Plus, generating ideas is not an easy task to begin with. There are a handful who directly or indirectly request for my help to think of strategies! Hello! It's your work, not mine! If you are lazy, then you should live with your own laziness and poor grades and be contented with it. If I tell you it wouldn't work, then go back and squeeze all your brain juice dry and think! Ask your grandparents, parents, siblings, relatives, or whoever is available for opinions. Don't come back to me with the same piece of work and expect me to give you comments. What comments do you exactly want?!

Honestly, I need to reflect on how I can better manage my own emotions when dealing with other people's problems or towards people whom I dislike deep down from the bottom of my heart.! Lol!

Like plants that require a particular type of soil to bud, animals who need the right habitat to survive i.e. freshwater, seawater, I need the right environment to thrive. And this environment and culture is definitely not the right one. It impedes my development and growth. :(

Do you know what's worth fighting for

When it's not worth dying for..

For what's worth trying for is worth fighting for....

I guess adequate time has passed for me to evaluate my job and the true reasons behind where I'm now.

"attire checked", "attendance checked", "lecture notes checked", "tutorials checked", "markers checked", blah blah.. Endless checks to be done every single passing day....

Pulling myself out of bed in every reluctant manner possible every morning, conducting the checks which I as a student failed to live up to expectations with, I honestly question, why did I sign up for this?

I flipped anxiously over pages of my primary and secondary memories searching for that one special person who steered me in this direction only to my disappointment to see none.

From another perspective, 5 years ago this one person unleashed my potential and inspired me to complete whateve he has left undone, though I'm not sure if I'll be as outstanding as he did.

Over the course of the last 5 years, another 3 popped up and helped complete me as a person.

And the true reasons behind me embarking on this mission is my desire to continue with what that was set out to be done and entrusted to me. The mission is to complete the puzzle of the countless others that I'll be encountering, to be there to provide guidance when they are in a deadlock, to be there to encourage and motivate when they are about to uphoist the white flag. However, it's not in my capacity to blindly lead the way. Only effort can generate rewards and all results are fed by the amalgamation of a positive attitude in learning, desire to excel and be empowered by knowledge.

Right from day one, I told myself that I will never compromise my students' learning over anything nor short change on the knowledge that they are entitled to. Thus, even though a handful are difficult to discipline, a few prefers to live in isolation, the general population that is bubbly and engaging motivates me.

Through my job, I uncover the values that are deep rooted in me. A 50-mark grade is not a pass, A C is. A's are norms whereas C's anomalies. When I teach, I hold the same kind of expectations for my students. I do not think that achieving a C or a pass is good enough which explains why I am always so disappointed with my students' results ever since those times when I was giving tuition. I am not dissatisfied with them because I do know a handful had really put in their utmost best. In fact, I question my own ability to teach them well. Over the years, I did learn to align my expectations because not everyone is capable of the A like what Linky always tell me. He highlighted the top most important attribute as an educator that is, to be able to detach yourself from the learning outcomes of your students. Some people are exam-smart, others work doubly hard, whereas a handful are simply intelligent. You need to have certain attributes to begin with before you can be transformed from a C-grader to an A-grader.

It will definitely be encouraging if Linky and I were posted to the same school in future. I guess at least we can constantly motivate each other and we complement each other. Nonetheless, judging from the current circumstances, the probability is HIGHLY UNLIKELY. Well, let fate decide. :))

Self? Or shell?

These days, I get asked a lot of intellectual questions and I'm loving it I think! :))

I realise that I really dislike people who act in disguise of someone else or pretend to be knowledgeable about something when they don't.

In particular, I especially have a distaste for girls who pretend they know football when all they know is David beckham or Cristiano Ronaldo, ManU, Chelsea or Liverpool. To make things worst, they will squeeze all their brain juice dry when they try to create topics out of their self perceived 'i think I know football' knowledge!

What that irks me the most is they attempt to get the best seat available when a big match is on then act as though they really care about the outcome of the match! I've experienced this far too often that I am starting to get perturbed by the behaviour of such beings!

It's not my stereotype that girls know nothing about football because I do know a few girls who really UNDERSTAND football. Rather, when compared to girls, boys who don't know football will not try too hard to please. They'll simply walk away or shut off when the whole debate about football is put up for discussion. At least, that is less irritating than when someone pretends to know...

If you are really interested to know about football, then at least do your homework and find out more before you start blabbering your nonsensical 'itikf' topics...!

Kel and I were hosting our friend from Japan last week and we went to East Coast for seafood. At the restaurant, we met some japanese girls and I'm really impressed by the fact that they can speak in such a demure tone at all times everywhere! I think that's non-pretentious! However, in sg at times, when I see sg girls trying to imitate it, speaking in this 'oh I'm so excited and amused' tone, and I know some of these girls so well that they definitely do not speak in such a manner at 'normal' times, I honestly feel like giving them a tight slap! Why can't you just be yourself?

I know guys actually love being indulged In conversations with girls who speak in this manner which helps to rationalize why some girls behave in this manner. They are just trying to get all the attention possible.

I may get lesser attention when I don't follow the norm. I may be disadvantaged when it comes to receiving assistance from guys and have to do more at certain times but i'm even more glad I'm in no way a girl like above../:))

How fast the days pass by...

I think it's incredible how quickly the days the pass by these days..

The ICal application is on the very first page of my iPhone.. Everyday the number increases by 1.. I vividly remember that the last time I stared at the number, it was 5. Today, it's already the 30th March!!!

It seems like days are passing by too quickly and I have so many things that I wanna do. I just get busier by day!! The only consolation that I take home at the end of the day is PayDay is nearing too!!!!

Agh!!! Can time pls slow down? There's so much in life that I appreciate and is learning how to appreciate... I wanna capture every beautiful moment in my life.. And it's God-sent that I always have endless perfect moments in life.... ;))

how deep is your trust?

The one-week March Holidays has sent me bumping around the city, indulging myself in sumptuous meals almost every other day. But it's a shame that I didn't drink as much as I imagined myself would. Lol!

Concurrently, I have been clearing the huge backlog of Taiwanese Dramas. Watching dramas really brings out the many different perspectives of how life can be. After every drama, it makes me reflect on my life thus far and I question myself over the issue of repeated betrayals.

Will you ever trust someone who once compromise your trust?

If you do, how deep will your trust be?

If you don't, why didn't you give that someone a second chance?

More often than not, we hear others preaching about how everyone deserves a second chance after they have erred. It reflects upon your graciousness, that's for sure. But what would ensue that a second betrayal is not on its way? And, how many times of such a betrayal would you be able to tolerate?

For me, I guess my tolerance for betrayal is as low as no one can imagine. I hate lies, both transient or perpetual, genuine or white ones. But at the same time, I know that people do lie for the good-sake of another occasionally or when they refuse to open their hearts to certain people. If you betray, you lose my trust. However, I will forgive if the lie was told out of goodwill. Nonetheless, I will never trust you as much as I used to.

It is not about how forgiving a person I can be or cannot be, rather it is about your attitude and values that scares me. Especially if you can perpetually hide your true self and convince others to perceive you in a different light. I guess I will never believe you again!

Some people kick a big fuss over little things, refuse to compromise, reluctant to give and take. Does it make you feel better to harp on certain things repeatedly? Honestly, I don't comprehend at times. There are certain things in life which, if you are willing to take a step backwards, you will feel much happier about it. Yet there are certain things in life which, if you hold on to it steadfast, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. No one can make a smart guess as to the former or latter will result, the probability is 50-50 and we all need to take our gamble. :))

Like Ren Guang Xi, if he chooses to believe again, he gains back his loved one and family but he loses his ego momentarily. If he insists on distrust and betrayal, he gains his ego and the right to shift the blame of his own misfortune to someone else but he will lose his capacity to love someone wholeheartedly. At the end of the day, it all depends on what he values most in life, and not just simply by weighing the costs and benefits of the choices.

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for HE always KNOWS

for HE always KNOWS since he was the one who planned it all.....

Brian & Kel are friends whom I got to know through Kim around 6 months ago but I am glad that we click instantly. For Brian, we are both hard-core ManU fanatics so not much more is needed to be said as to why we connect. For Kel, it was definitely the Japan trip that fostered the bond for the many joy and laughter that followed.

We had a small CNY gathering at Brian's house just hours ago, together with another friend of the two boys. The thing I like about us youths is you are always open to getting to know new friends. Though Kim & I do not know Brian & Kel's friend, we just mingle and had "totz" lots of fun. It was Wii followed by Monopoly in the card fashion. :)) Simply awesome.!

Through the gathering, I found out more about myself and also the rest. Basically, Kim excels in the Wii games that requires a lot of coordination and also practice. Kel & me suck at Wii games but we excel at gambling and card games per se. It just suddenly struck to me that the devil lives in me once again. That I really pick up anything related to gambling, cards, etc. in split seconds. Like I learn how to play 13-Ki, Texas Holdem Poker, etc after someone went through it once with me. Another good example would be me watching the tv aboard the cruise trip 4 years ago together with Jan, Omma, Lionel, & I and learning Bacarat from the tv. Also, I was totally unaware of the rules of the "Banker-Player" game but all it took was for me to observe people in the casino in Genting once and subsequently in Australia and I kinda mastered all.

Moving on to the topic of friends. There are certain things in life that do not require deliberate attempts to make it better. And I believe it is especially so for friends. Some people try very hard to win friends over or make friends with certain people. They give in, compromise, accommodate, and please others as much as they can, stretching their own mental tolerance. Eventually, they end up with nothing but just dissatisfaction with themselves and the others. Over the years, I have learnt that sometimes tries can be unfruitful. So I stopped doing that ever since the day I stepped into the Polytechnic.

If that someone is meant to be your friend, good friend, best friend, etc. he or she will be and always will be. Just like how I can be acquainted with Omma, Jan, & JY and eventually becoming buddies. And for all the stupid things that we have done to be acquainted with XMM, Toshio, etc. were simply fruitless. In NUS, I couldn't motivate myself to make new friends and all the friends that I have made came to me naturally. They are all people who walked into my life unexpectedly.

WaiTeng, a casual neighbour in my hall who eventually became my tennis buddy, lunch buddy, and a possible future travel companion.

Pauline, an acquaintance in a Math module, who eventually became my Econs buddy and confidante.

Monica, my exchange room-mate, who eventually became my regular lecture buddy and encourage me all the time while I was doing my thesis.

Kim, exchange mate, who is one of the few whom I can share about everything in my life and my NIE-buddy to be.

Kel & Brian, who are random project group mates but are future colleagues and soccer buddy respectively.

And for all these friendships, I did nothing to earn them. It was God's gift to me. :))

People like Shawn & Linken whom I have only known for 3 weeks while in Yuhua Secondary, people unaware of how we met would totally have the impression that we have been best friends since our previous lives. We feel comfortable introducing our own friends and family members to each other. Seriously, how many of your friends do you actually introduce to your family members?

When I look back, I think of the many others (I will not name names here) whom I fought so hard to maintain the friendship but failed. I really question myself, "Why did I bother to try in the first place?"

Tonight was such an awesome gathering and I cannot find any reason to not blog about it. :))