Day 20: 相見容易相處難
There is a saying in Chinese that it is easy to get along with someone who you meet occasionally but problems will start to surface when you have to live together. I think this saying cannot be more true. It takes a lot of tolerance, accommodation, sacrifices to live together as a family. But sometimes I really wonder if living apart and meeting each other occasionally is really a better way of maintaining relationships.
When you only meet occasionally, say once or twice a year, and live in your own comfort zone for the rest of 363 or 364 days, you do not have to deal with the other someone's whims and fancies or tolerate his or her living habits which are entirely different from yours. Thus, you tend to treasure that few occasions when you meet and would not want to spend the time arguing or fighting.
However, if you were to stay travel together as a family or do certain things together over a prolonged period, things might change. You will probably start off the journey on a happy tone but each day, the others in the group never fail to irritate you and your patience and tolerance will diminish with each passing day. This is due to the fact that there are many sides to this person whom you claim as your family member yet you are unaware due to the lack of communication. Who will start blabbering about their own weaknesses or the unglamarous things that they have done in a gathering? Thus, the lack of communication will surface as a problem when you have to spend long periods of time together with a person.
Problems will also compound because people make decisions based on prior knowledge and experiences and as you age, you have more life experiences and become more opinionated. Everyone thinks that they have been through a lot of ups and downs and knows it best what to avoid and what to be prepared for. I guess perhaps that is when you start to doubt what others say, want to make decisions because you think that your rich experiences will come in handy and become less receptive to changes and feedback. However, everyone needs reminders from time to time that we should use our ears wisely, listen to what others have to say before we give our own opinions and make decisions, especially if it is a collective one.
Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that staying away from people whom you think you cannot get along with and only meet up occasionally is an escape and does not resolve the differences between you. You have to pluck up the courage to confront each other if you want your relationship to remain strong. Nevertheless, saying is easier than done.
When I reflect upon myself, I start to worry if I will someday become some of these characters in my life who I disdain now when I am of their age. I am someone who is very steadfast in the things that I want to do and my mother used to say that I am an obstinate child. My siblings have been very tolerant and accommodating and give in to me quite a fair bit. However, as I age, I start to see my own weaknesses and I really want to become a better sibling to them so I started to change. In addition, my hatred for confrontation and arguments do help to mitigate the downsides of being obstinate. Over the years, I learn to turn away from arguments not because I am fully convinced but because I see no point in trying to be convinced or convince another person in the heat of a debate or an argument. It is better off to always let each other cool off and reflect upon things after the debate or argument.
Things only bother you when you care a lot about it. So I told someone that perhaps some day, we will follow in the footsteps of the people whose actions we disdain and cannot comprehend. I told her that because I see that she is now an adult and is no longer someone who I can easily convince or manipulate her thinking. Her interactions with her peers and those in her social circle will also start to shape her thinking. She will still be that helpful girl who will make sacrifices but the biggest difference is that reluctance might be written all over her face while she is doing it. Showing someone your emotions outright while doing something that you dislike is not any better than not doing it at all. At least to me, I hate people who show their emotions all over their face and when I unknowingly do it at times, I feel really bad about it. "Love your neighbours like yourself" is one saying that never goes out of style to me. As I am typing this post, it suddenly dawned upon me that perhaps she has always been like that but it is just that she chose to suppress her emotions when she was much younger.
I think this is also one of the many reasons why people become less happy as they grow older. People around you change and adapting to changes is never easy. Managing people's emotions is truly an uphill task. This could probably explain why I have been looking for that exit.
