Adjustments

There is always so much ongoing in my head but when it comes to having to pen them down, there is so much inertia. It is not that I do not enjoy writing or whatsoever, rather I just feel tired after work and I would rather hit the sack.

After coming back from training in London, life is back to chaos and weekend work. I found a new mechanism to cope with the stress and long hours of work and so far it is working well - having something to look forward to. I really enjoy my weekly badminton sessions, thrice a week gym sessions and my trips back home. For now, I am counting down to November when I get to go back for a weekend to attend Efu’s and Amanda’s birthdays. 1 more month to go so in the short run, I count down to my weekly Badminton sessions. Some of the people at the club are really good and I really enjoy playing with them and learning from them. This method has worked well so far, I feel less upset about having to work those hours and it makes me happy when I get to play Badminton to unwind and also go to the gym!

I do not know how long this method will keep me sane and make my life less miserable but hopefully it lasts for the next 4 months until at least CNY! It will be March then and at least I have my bonus to look forward to. :)

What on earth is happiness?

This space has been empty for quite some time. A lot of thoughts flow through my mind every single day but I am just too lazy to pen them down. I have a brand new life now, accomplished what I had set out in one of my new year resolutions but here I am, sitting and pondering about my next step in life AGAIN. I think I simply think too much at times. Overthinking makes one unhappy. When I look at the people around me, I have a million dollar question for them - Are you happy with your life? I think it will jolt some people out of their comfort zone and set them thinking about what truly makes them happy but at the same time, I am bound to hear amazing stories of how people are so satisfied about their life.What then determines if you are truly happy? For me, when I wake up in the morning and look into myself in the mirror, I ask myself that question. I am not unhappy, but I am not happy either. One would then question, but you have gotten what you wanted, so why are you still not satisfied?

I love writing, because as I pen down my thoughts, I reflect on what I had written previously and it makes me realise that I have been blessed with a lot more than what the average person out there has. I am not in the top 1% percentile for sure but I think one needs to draw a line and toe it. I can never be like kids from wealthy family and live without worries for $$ or old age but at the same time, I do not have the worries about shouldering the burden of a family. No doubt I find my daily life mundane at times, and when I think about that, I feel fear. Having gone through 3 decades of time on earth, I have grown accustomed to the many ups and downs in life, sometimes even immune to the sufferings that I see, not knowing how I can change life and leave a mark on earth anymore. I just want to dissipate into thin air the day my time on earth ends. This is when I look at my parents who have spent twice the time I do on earth and feel only suffering and misery and nothing else. They have nothing to look forward to in life yet they have go through the daily grit of life, repeating the same routine over and over again. I bet some days, they wish they could finally leave Earth to be with God.

There is a saying in Chinese that kind people are blessed to live a shorter time on Earth and leave to be with God. I did not appreciate this saying 10 years back but these days, as signs of old age batter on me, I start to wonder when will the time come for me to finally be with God? Someone once told me that we fight to survive and if some day we are in a life and death situation, our instinct is to fight to stay alive. I am not so sure if I still have that animal instinct in me. I will miss the people who have shown me so much love and care and am fully aware that my departure will inflict pain and misery on them. It will be selfish of me to not want to fight to keep my breath but some days, I just think that I would love to be back with Nature sooner and finally let go of the struggles of existence.

We all need friends

2.5 months has passed since I set sailed. I cannot recall the number of times that I think about New York during my time here. Although I had my fair share of frustrations in NY, such as having to figure out my next step in life, wanting more ME time and not having to entertain too much, I loved my time in NY. I had friends to go for lunches with, out for a movie, dinner, etc. Here, I do everything alone and I for once, understood the meaning of loneliness. I have always felt that I could live alone and be all by myself but during my time here, I realised that although I could, I do not enjoy it as much. I am used to having my siblings talking crap with me before we go to bed, tell lame jokes, etc. From time to time, I need my own personal space to ponder over things but more often than not, I need to talk to people! Travelling alone has helped to build up resilience but when I am travelling, I am constantly exploring new places, meeting new people, etc. but who do I meet here? I guess being alone really helps you to discover your inner self.

还好没有如果，让我们相遇了

Another song that touches my heart deeply is the one below. Have you ever wondered how different your life would have been if you have not met a certain someone in your life? Sometimes I wish I could have met the "right" person in life that would make me want to put down everything that I am chasing after right now. Every other day that I am here, I ask myself the meaning of what I am doing now, and I guess I am just like every walking soul out there who is in a constant search for the meaning of life and the things that we do. When you are immersed in a sea of souls and people rushing everyday to figure out how to make more money and make themselves happier, you ask yourself, "how about yourself?"

Indeed, someone once made me felt no fear of dying because I met him in my life. He changed my perspectives, my world view, etc. that's why I like a particular phrase of this set of lyrics below - "身旁有了你 匆匆轮回又有何惧"

The line that touches me the most is this, "某一天某一刻某次呼吸 我们终将在分离
而我的自传里曾经有你 没有遗憾的诗句"

Some day, a moment, in a breath, we are gonna part (life and death) but you once appeared in my life and I had no regrets.

诗句里充满感激
如果我们不曾相遇，我会是在哪里
如果我们从不曾相识，不存在这首歌曲

每秒都活着，每秒都死去
每秒都问着自己，谁不曾找寻，谁不曾怀疑，茫茫人海奔向何地

那一天那一刻那个场景
你出现在我生命 从此后从人生从新定义 从我故事里苏醒

如果我们不曾相遇 你又会在哪里
如果我们从不曾相识 人间又如何运行

晒伤的脱皮 意外的雪景
与你相依的四季 苍狗又白云 身旁有了你 匆匆轮回又有何惧

那一天 那一刻 那个场景 你出现在我生命
每一分每一秒 每个表情 故事都充满惊奇

偶然与巧合 舞动了蝶翼 谁的心头风起
前仆而后继 万千人追寻 荒漠唯一菩提
是擦身相遇 或擦肩而去 命运犹如险棋
无数时间线 无尽可能性 终于交织向你

那一天那一刻那个场景 你出现在我生命
未知的未来的 未定几率 然而此刻拥有你

某一天某一刻某次呼吸 我们终将在分离
而我的自传里曾经有你 没有遗憾的诗句
诗句里充满感激

如果我们不曾相遇 我会是在哪里
如果我们从不曾相识 不存在这首歌曲

A third of a year has gone past

I do not know how much of an influence my first career has on me but it seems like I am someone who enjoys reviewing my life and evaluating myself against the goals that I have set for myself at the beginning of each year. Indeed, a third of the year has gone past and it seems only yesterday when I was living in NYC and working in the UN. Yet, 2 months in this job felt like 2 years and I cannot exactly comment on whether time has whizzed past me or has seemed like forever, hitherto.

First, the assessment. I got a job in finance and bought the 2nd guitar of my life. 15 years ago, I tried so hard to persuade my mom to let me withdraw some money from my savings account to buy a guitar and take up guitar lessons. I attended a few lessons and eventually the guitar faded into the background and is lying somewhere in the storeroom. When I look back at those times, I feel like a loser. I had given up halfway a million times in my pursuits, be it learning swimming (Pri 3), guitar (Sec 3), or French (2005). However, through all these failures, I discover about myself - I need an end goal to motivate myself. Nevertheless, as I age, I become more persistent and there are a couple of things which I have experienced success in - completing my CFA (3 consecutive years), picking up tennis, learning Spanish (though still intermediate speaker). This year, I set out to pick up the guitar once again and maybe if things work out here in Dubai, I will try to learn swimming. Given the long and hectic work hours, I only can spare 30-40 minutes a day to learn the guitar. It will take me a long time to learn it but I will persevere this time round unlike 15 years ago. Hopefully at the end of year when I evaluate myself against my 2017 resolutions, I would be able to play a song.

Losing control of your life and not seeing what lies ahead of you creates fear in a way or another and for me, only the next 4 months is in sight now.
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不会结束的起点

Today, I would like to write a post that pays tribute to my all-time favourite band - Mayday. In particular, A-shin is such a talented composer, always writing lyrics that can ring a chord in anyone, I believe.

Unknowingly, I have been listening to their music for 18 years. The mention of that number simply scares me. Their music has been through so much ups and downs with me, stirring up emotions in me, be it happy or sad ones. I am glad I was born in their era and I had their music as a form of motivation. When my aunts used to tell me about their idols when they were teenage girls like me, I never truly understood how they felt. However, now I know how it feels to have an idol and to have their music accompany you for such a long time. You are so familiar with every chord and the lyrics (though I have a terrible memory when it comes to remembering lyrics) and it is as though you can start dancing to any tunes any time. 

从最早的温柔和咸鱼到人生海海到中间的超人，倔强和如今的我不愿让你一个人和顽固等等，没有了你们的音乐，我还能怎样顽固下去？

 

I was not such a huge fan at the beginning because I was too young to appreciate some of the deeper meaning behind their songs. Besides, they were not such a huge phenomenon in Singapore at that time so I merely listened to a few songs. However, this song 咸鱼 made me listened to their music a lot more and 倔强 consolidated my love for their music. The concerts made it even better and in the blink of an eye, 18 years have passed.

Half a year ago, I was constantly listening to this song - 顽固 because I was working on my thesis and thinking about my next step in life upon graduation. Every single line of the lyrics speak of my experiences in life, how I continue to persevere to live a life that is extraordinary. Along the way, I have given up a lot of things but I have never wanted to turn back time and lead a different life. How many people have along this journey succumb to societal pressure, commitments to raise a family, etc.? I chose to not take up any of these responsibilities and in a way, keep my soul absolutely free. Many people told me that if I do not enter into marriage, I would not have lived a complete life. Perhaps it is true, who would not want a companion that will walk through life with you till the end of the time, however I do not want to enter into a marriage for the sake of having to experience something. During my first week in NY when my emotions were like a roller coaster ride, this song has given me so much motivation and comfort. 

我身在当时你幻想的未来里 

那个狂热和冲动早已冷却的如今 

你顽固的神情消失在镜子里

只留下时光消逝的痕迹

To me, I have always been stubborn in my pursuits and after living for half a lifetime, I think I have become less stubborn and more open together with the wrinkles on my face! 

每颗心的相信每个人的际遇

每个故事的自己反复地问着自己

这些年让步的 你是否会叹息

有什么事你永远不放弃

I have my own beliefs and values system and these are all shaped by my experiences. I want to be a global citizen and for that I gave up teaching, gave up the $$ and finally I landed in NY and the very first day that I stood at the UN grounds, I felt like I was on top of the world that my dream has somehow come true. I then realise that the organisation and world is not what I had imagined it to be after all. In my life thus far, I have asked myself repeatedly how my life would have been different if I had made certain decisions differently along the way. That said, I never want to turn back time and change my life. I compromised on certain things, sacrificed some and although I do sigh over bad decisions, I still hold on to the things that I strongly believe in, especially when it comes to love and work. I ask myself, what is it that I will never give up in life? I cannot recall the number of times that I asked myself if coming to the UN had been the wrong decision. 

一次一次你吞下了泪滴

一次一次拼回破碎自己

一天一天你是否还相信

活在你心深处那顽固的自己

When I am down, especially during my time in NY, I swallowed my tears and got myself to plough and stand back up again. I may have lost faith and belief in myself but I told myself that I will never give up before putting up a good fight. I am sure I will be able to find my next step in life as long as I persevere. 

你追逐你呼吸你嚣张的任性

鼻青脸肿地哭过若无其事地忘记

如果你能预知这条路的陷阱

我想你依然错得很过瘾

In life, we fail because we are too prideful and self-conceited at times. When that happens, we all cry ourselves to sleep but not soon after, we forget about it. If we had known what we were signing up ourselves for, would we still have made that same decision? For me, I hate failures but I will never shun away from them and wish for turning back time and make sure I choose the “right” decision in life. If I were to be given a chance to choose again, I think I would still have chosen teaching as a first career. It has made my life much tougher now to switch to the corporate world but I believe the job has offered me much as well. And if I were to be given a choice to stay in teaching, I think I would still leave the profession. I might have been wrong to leave but I am enjoying my mistakes because they make me a better person. I would still have gone to the UN even if it meant seeing the realities of life.  

走过的叫足迹走不到叫憧憬

学会收拾起叛逆学会隐藏了表情

卸下了这面具 我想说谢谢你

谢谢你一路陪我到这里

Wherever we have been, we left footprints. Wherever we have not been, we look forward to being there some day. As you age, enter into the workforce, you learn to be less confrontational and you learn to hide your true self, your emotions. I am never who I am in front of others. Only a selected few truly know who I am. I hid myself because I do not think that everyone will know how to appreciate who you are as a person or even care about who you are as a person. In the workforce, all that people want to see is whether you can produce the results and bring in the $$. For all those who truly know who I am and appreciate me for being me, thank you. Thank you for journeying with me, I may not say it all the time but these people know who they are and they will always be people whom I hold on dearly to. Besides my family, this person comes to my mind instantly. He may not know he is the privilege few but indeed he is. 

你当时相信的那些事情

会在如今变成美丽风景

每当我迟疑总从不曾忘记

活在我心深处的那顽固的自己

Whenever I question myself and my decisions and feel like I might crumble or fail, there is an inner voice that constantly reminds me how tough I have been so far and that empowers me to achieve all that I have now. Life is beautiful. 

During my time in NY, music was indeed my best companion. On the subway, in the gym, before bed and JJ Lin’s songs were constantly replaying in my head. One day, I decided to listen to every song of Mayday’s new album and that was when this song 终于结束的起点 became one of my other favourites. 

I think it speaks of a certain beautiful memory of a someone and we all have in some point in our life met this someone:

还记不记得我和你最初的相信

还记不记得孩子般简单的爱情

我们仿佛天生在一起 用不完的默契和话题

带上了耳机沉入曾经的回忆

幸福的回忆是追求幸福的天敌

寂寞的问候是加深寂寞的陷阱

当时无限珍藏的回忆变成无处躲藏的雨季

让最小事情都变成最痛叹息

每一段伤痛的爱情 都困住两颗想挣脱伤痛的心

如果说可惜就在下一站更珍惜

也许一个勇敢的决定 能换两个重生的约定

我们到了站 这一站叫终于

终于结束的起点 终于卸下句点

终于我们告别 终于我们又回到原点

流干了眼泪日日夜夜

未来的我们也许能说声好久不见 

爱情并不是对与错简单是非题

相爱的两人不一定能相守相依

因为相爱所以在一起 因为深爱所以又分离

约在下一站 车票是你我勇气

每一段遗憾的曾经 当时名字都叫憧憬我们的心

不能忘怀的 至少释怀吧在风里

那些无法看破的叹息 某天会是看淡的风景

虽然那风景永远有谁缺席

站在这起点 其实没有走远 

其实不愿告别 其实我心中依然想念

拥抱这一刻岁岁年年

就要在今天头也不回地告别从前 奔向明天

不回头不眷恋的明天

I have shared some really beautiful memories with someone in my life. We did not have too much interaction at the start but after we did, we hit off so well. We could talk about anything under the sun and when I listened to this song and its lyrics, memories simply flooded back. Those wonderful memories might become a hurdle in what I look out for in the future for a soul mate and surprisingly, this very someone somehow always seem to know when I am missing him. Not once but several times when I thought about how he was doing, he sent me a text. I think I am a prideful person and I do not have the habit to pick up my phone to send him a message to check in on his life. Sometimes it slips my mind and sometimes I just did not want to seem like I was dependent on him and want to know how he is doing. Yet he never failed to send a greeting when I thought about him. 

I do not think I will forget about the common memories that we shared, given how short term my memory can be and how fast I move on in life. However, our paths were never meant to cross in the first place so eventually we came to a point where our paths had to diverge again. It was a beginning that would eventually end and as we drifted back to our own destined ways, we hope some day we can meet somewhere in this world again. 

I especially like how A-shin has expressed what love truly is. It does not mean that we can be with the someone whom we think we truly love at the end of the day. The person who will walk through life with you till the end of time is the most suitable person at that point in your life, not everyone gets to be with their perfect match. When you truly love a person yet meet him or her at the wrong time, you get together because of love. You split up because you love each other too much and cannot bear to see the relationship turn sour. You know that when you try too hard to hold on to something that was not meant to be, it is pointless because someday you will look back and realise how silly you had been. It is just the way our world is. People move on too quickly and time heals all wounds. Yet if it is a wound, the scar will always be there,  永远有谁缺席. The scar is a constant reminder of that person whom you have dearly missed in your life.

For me, I think from time to time I will reminisce about these lovely memories of that person and our time together. I am a sentimental person and though I have physically and mentally moved on, I have not gone that far emotionally. It is just that there are still plenty of experiences waiting for me ahead and I told myself that I have to move on. 

To be continued…. 

My little niece

Before I left Singapore, I spent a huge amount of time with my little niece. She has grown much in the last few years. She drew me a nice card saying that she will miss me and that she loves me. Kids, they are the world's most precious beings. Their emotions are so true, unfortunately they do not stay as kids for long. When I think about her, I feel like going home and spending more time with her. I might miss out on a corporate career, which is what I have been longing for for the longest time ever, but she will not be a kid for long. Life, why do you have to make choices so tough?

5th country in 1.5 years

Unknowingly, 1.5 years have passed since I left home for my Masters. This is the 5th place that I have relocated to and maybe I am just tired from all the moving. I have not been able to secure a permanent place to stay even if I am willing to pay, because rent contracts here are for a year. In addition, I have had some bed bug scares since yesterday and now I am really missing home. I guess it really makes a difference when you know someone in a foreign country compared to not knowing anyone. When in NY, at least I had Alina to talk to. I am entirely comfortable with living by myself but when you first arrive in a foreign place, you really need some help to settle in. For now, I am just praying that I will find a place to stay asap so that I need not worry about lodging. I badly need a place near to my work place so that I do not have to walk long distances or be caught in the bad traffic here. I have never imagined moving can be so difficult. It should get better as you move more frequently, isn't it? How is it that I feel that it gets tougher to have to relocate as I do it more frequently? It was not easy for me to land this job so I guess I just have to bite the bullet and finish these 6 months of my contract, at least. #countingdownstarts

Name game personality results

I cannot agree more.


If anyone could make broken look beautiful, it is her. Her strength is what keeps her going. She believes in every inch of this universe. She has a hurricane of crazy chaos around her, but she is so damn passionate, that she is worth it. She loves life with all her heart and it loves her right back. She belongs to herself before she belongs to any man or land.


I wonder how on earth they come up with all these personality analysis. I would say the description fits me almost perfectly.

Seeing the world from a different lens

As I was writing this postcard and preparing to send it out, memories flooded back. This postcard is a perfect reflection of my life at the moment and speaks about the thoughts that go through my life repeatedly during my time here in NYC. The end is difficult and clear but the near term is blurry and there are simply so many pathways to get to the final destination. I am not upset about my status, rather I am vexed over how to figure out my way. I have gone past the stage of feeling like a loser if I were to go back home with the mentality that I seemed to have wasted my time/life. However, I must say that those thoughts frequently bother me. I am the kind of person who hates wasting time/life and want to live every hour, minute, second, milllisecond of my life purposefully! That said, I will press on and eventually I know I will survive this difficult time when my emotions are constantly battling against each other.

It has become a custom for me to send postcards wherever I go to because this is my way of sharing the world with my loved ones, family, friends, etc. Words is my language of love. I know that every single postcard that I sent out has brought a smile to the face of the recipient and reminded him/her that life is good because someone out there remembers you and cares about your well-being. I guess it is an especially touching gesture (to me) and I hope it gives them courage to face whatever obstacle ahead. My siblings are the main recipients of my postcards, but my mom, cousins, nieces and best friends have received several over the years too. Pigsy Ang has received the most among all my friends because he has always been there for me. Surprisingly, I sent much less to WenX and as for Chris, he is overseas himself too.

As I was writing this postcard, a lot of memories flooded back once again. It seems like it was not too long ago that I spent hours conversing with this friend of mine. We could talk about anything under the Sun, from Economics to Politics to Science, Math, Language, our lives, the world, our dreams and what not. Our conversations are filled with laughter and sarcasm yet overflowing with wisdom, at least in my opinion. He is an adherent yet an adversary and a mirror occasionally. I have not been able to find someone who engages me so much since time immemorial. Then again, my memory is selective so if I miss anyone out, I do apologise. LK comes close next but pragmatism often causes our views to diverge and we do not see the point in trying to win over each other. YL is someone whom I can hold a conversation with for hours as well and I always enjoy her company but our topics are more down-to-earth and revolve around life in general. I love talking to Pigsy and Chris too, albeit intellect can be lacking in flavour at times.

If Secret Santa does exist and he could give me anything I wish for, I want a time machine that can bring me back to the past to see with my own eyes all ancient cultures and marvel at the grandiose of those golden epochs. However, I will never use the time machine to change my life. I believe that it is the steps that we take in the future that shapes our lives rather than having to return to the past to make right the "wrongs". At times, I do wonder how different my life would be if I had performed better when I was 12 and got into a better school. Nonetheless, I do not feel any regrets because failure at a young age mold me into who I am today, to always be prepared and be a step ahead and put my foot to the pedal in everything that I do. The people whom I met along the way subsequently also made me cherish what I have today.

If I were to visit his country again, I would probably go in Spring/Autumn OR bring more warm clothes so that we could sit for hours by the river and narrate about whatever that has happened ever since the last time our paths crossed. There is just so much to talk about. Then again, people change too quickly and the memories fade away with every tick of the hand of the clock. I am not hopeful that we can remain friends till the end of time so I will have to guard these memories of our friendship like a safe deposit box for as long as possible and reminisce about them each time I write a postcard addressed to him. He will continue to see the world through my lens until the day postmen become non-existent or when I feel that nothing is left to be spoken between us. That is my way of saying, "Thank you for appearing in my life and that is how much I cherish everything that we shared." I do not know if I will meet someone like him again in my life but I really hope that I will.

9 months ago, I wrote this abstract, "If you would, you could just sit a while with me in Nature, see the Sun rising and setting, under a sky full of stars shining on us, at the edge of cliffs, near the waterfalls, and on countless train rides. When you hear the sounds of Nature, you also hear what my heart is shouting. No words need be spoken and nothing will hurt us. I will feel you close to me and maybe then, we will walk hand in hand till the end of time." 9 months later, I see a piece of this abstract become reality but I never had extravagant expectations that whatever that I have written will crystallise.

坚持是否就能走到永远

This is one song that has been repeating on my playlist recently. The lyrics really set me thinking about many issues in life, not just relationships but also in all our pursuits in life.

雨傘弄丟在下雨天 還沒回應手機也沒電
久別重逢卻趕時間 事與願違天天不斷上演
無能為力的瞬間 騙自己愛能克服一切
It's too bad bad bad 有心人怎麼都看不對眼
等待緣分等感覺 等過多少年 是誰一直在身邊
It's too bad bad bad 兩顆心無法一起到終點
我越一廂情願 你卻越走越遠 騙自己愛能克服一切
一錯再錯 越挫越勇的境界 何時才能停歇
一次一次 沒有好好的告別 心片片撕裂

First, relationships. I wonder if someone truly loves another person and persists in his/her pursuit, can the two of them eventually end up together even if it has always been a one-sided affair? If there were to be more contact and communication to enable two persons to better understand each other, would then there be a possibility for the two to get together? A conversation that I had with a friend set me thinking really deep. There will not be more contact if one party is uninterested and love cannot be forced. I do not know which is the better side to take, that love can be nurtured or love cannot be forced. I used to think that love cannot be forced and that it is a clear cut "yes" or "no". In my entire life, I can only remember a guy who persisted in his pursuit for 4 years. He always loved the girl throughout that 4 years but he dated someone else between those years. Nonetheless, the girl never once gave him a chance and always maintained a "friend-zone" with him. Perhaps he was not proactive enough, perhaps he did not know how to win the girl's heart, perhaps, perhaps. Eventually he gave up and now he is happily married to someone else. That made me feel that "love cannot be forced". However, the older I get, the more I think otherwise. I start to believe that love can be nurtured if given sufficient time and each other willing to give the other person a chance.

Second, dreams. Can you attain your goals so long as you persevere? Perhaps there are some things in life that once you miss the opportunity or the timing, you will never be able to accomplish it. I do not know which side to take as usual. For example, if you do not start learning piano since young, it is impossible for you to become a professional pianist no matter how hard you try. Therefore, if you have a dream to become a pianist or musician, you really have to start young. What if you do not have those resources to pursue your dreams as a child, has that door to your dream shut forever?

Life is full of questions to ponder upon everyday.

特别喜欢这一段歌词，写出我心里某一角落的想法。确实啊，无能为力的瞬间时，我经常告诉自己爱能克服一切。 我也经常问自己，等待缘分等对的感觉，等对的人，等过多少年啊，却始终与寂寞拥抱。时不时，我会想是谁一直在我身边，会是那个会奋不顾身和你走完一生的人呢？或许他已经出现只是你还没发觉，又或者他已不知不觉地离开了。最近很常看到或听到两个相爱的人又或者应该说曾经相爱的人变成两条平行线似的，我会想，是什么能把爱如此轻易地撕裂？ 他她；是一个能聊生活的人，聊政治，聊严肃及最芝麻绿豆的小事的人，聊生命所有的大大小小，是一个能对你微笑，能逗你笑，能为了你笑的人，相信你，呵护你，在两个人起争执时，绝对不轻易说分手，和你谈一场不分手的恋爱的人。是否达到了所有的“标准”后，自然而然两人之间就会有爱，还是爱能产生或包容所有的这一切？

31 things to say for a month, post script

I cannot believe a thread named "31 things to say for a month" that I started 3.5 years ago had such a huge impact on me 24 hours ago. I re-read every single one of those 31 posts and found those posts to be so meaningful and a true reflection of my inner feelings and the kind of person that I am. I wrote them based on how I felt at that very moment and I could really see and feel for myself how much I have changed from 9 years ago when I started this blog and now.

I like especially the posts that I dedicated to my family members, perhaps because I have been away for too long and absence makes the heart grow fonder. I always send postcards to my family members and close friends whenever I travel because I think nothing beats receiving news of your loved ones while they are far away and from time to time, you think of them and cannot help but wonder how they are coping with life. People often talk about the language of love. I believe for me, it has got to be words. Three months ago, I would have no clue as to why I value writing and blogging so much and how this blog managed to survive despite my hectic schedule but the most meaningful saying that I come across last year, "Speaking is like having a conversation with a moment but writing is like having a conversation with eternity." uncovered the real reason. Being the perfectionist that I am, I covet eternity and writing does just that. However, as I age, I realise that nothing in this world is eternal. Promises are meant to be broken, "I love you forever" is often said but forever does not mean till death do us apart literally, just figuratively because time heals all wounds. I cannot comprehend how is it that two persons who were so madly in love with each other once can break all ties overnight and become enemies. Surely people change and maybe you will find each other incompatible but there should not be any love lost, right? However, reality is never on my side when it comes to these thoughts and perspectives. Therefore, if I know that a relationship is not going to last forever, then I would rather it had never begun. Perhaps that explains why I never say those words "I love you forever" easily, rather I opt for #foreveralone. I will never desert myself so no matter how quickly times would change or how fast people would move on and out of my life, I still have myself with me.

Those emotions that overwhelmed me last night also made me decided to send a postcard to my sister. I once had a conversation with her about why I choose to be #foreveralone but I sincerely hope that she will be able to find a life partner. Not everyone is suitable for such a lifestyle, to have to deal with all sorts of problems and setbacks by yourself. I feel that I have crossed the hurdle of knowing how to find peace within myself and enjoy my ME time without being conscious and affected by how others would possibly judge me and label me as a "loner". This explains my globetrotting adventures and this fighting spirit in me that nothing can get me down in this world except myself. However, my sister is entirely different from me. My love for her made me conscious that I do not hope that she will be like me to have to walk through this journey of life by her own will without a shoulder to lean on during the darkest hours in her life. No doubt she has me but I cannot be around forever and it is not easy to find a confidant as you get older. A lot of single women out there either have a faith or religion or even a soulmate to edge them on, just like my Er Jie who has God in her heart.

Lastly, I may feel uncertain and insecure now but I guess this was what I wished for 2 years ago when I left my job, to experiment with life and leap into the unknown. I find comfort in that I have not been entirely consumed by my fears thus far although there were days when I felt really lousy and simply buried my head in the pillow for hours.  At this moment, I am glad that I wrote those posts 3.5 years ago because they reminded me that this was what I had wanted to do with my life. I am someone who sticks with whatever decisions that I make because I am aware that I never make rash decisions that would cause myself to regret later. Since I did my best given whatever information that I had at that point in time, what is there to feel sorry about subsequently?

I believe with my optimism, resilience and the love and support of the people around me, I will continue to advance through life with a smile on my face and appreciate the surprises at every corner.

冷的脸色 是证明自己坚强了
当我寂寞 默念这世界不会丢下我

时间的电影 结局才知道
原来大人已没有童谣

我们都要把自己照顾好
好到遗憾无法打扰

So well said.