Counting down to 2014

It is the time of the year whereby we reflect on the year and set our new year resolutions. I was not born into a family who celebrates Christmas and family get-togethers and hence, I never set new year resolutions. When I grew up, I appreciate the importance of doing so because you think about the things that you did not do well and go forth to make it right the following year. Furthermore, you look back at your own accomplishments and savour the happiness that accompanies it and use that to motivate you to propel forward the following year. About seven to eight years ago, my cousins and I started to organise Christmas gift exchange parties and my secondary school friends also orchestrated Christmas parties or gatherings. If some day I were to leave Singapore, these are the events and people that I will miss dearly for sure!

Anyway, back to the topic of my personal reflections for 2013 and moving forward to 2014. Visiting the Holy Land was definitely one of the best decisions that I made this year. Since young, I have heard a lot of about Christianity, Islam, Taoism and many other religions. Never did I live through a year without someone asking me if I believe in God? Rather than to hear it from the priests, the followers, etc., visiting the Holy Land meant so much to me to see for my own eyes how it all started. Holy Land or not, my answer remains the same. I choose to believe in that there is a greater Him out there who has created us though I may not pledge my allegiance to Him.

I do not deny that one of the many reasons why I enjoy traveling is because it is an escape from reality. However, visiting Jerusalem made me realised that all the stories that I hear while I was there, all the sights that I visit and see with my own eyes, the museums, churches and the old city meant that getting to learn about such ancient civilisations was the more compelling reason behind my love for traveling. While on tour, I would diligently take down notes of what the guide was explaining and information in the museums so that I can blog about them and also recall whatever that I heard or saw. This meant so much and I am totally in love with Israel. I did not travel to that many places this year but going on one good trip beats going to multiple lousy getaways.

Besides traveling, I have also set out to do what I had wished for last year when all the talk about 21.12.12 being the day the world will come to an end was ongoing. I wanted to stop nua-ing and do away with the excuses of work draining me and my life. So in 2013, I made my decision to return to school and though the process was tiring and sometimes I question my own decision, I am glad I pulled through round 1. Before I know it, round 2 will come knocking and 2014 will be a year filled with uncertainty. I have decided to take the plunge and step out of my comfort zone - leave behind whatever that I own now - income-less, starting all over again either as a student or in a new career, perhaps go on a one-year travel to places that I would never imagine myself going?

In 2013, I also revisited my professors, my old friends and my old self. Perhaps like the saying, "Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you." It finally dawned upon me that despite me having the ability to satisfy all my material wants at this stage of my life, I am still not truly satisfied. I saw a nice quote somewhere about enjoying a high quality of life but I cannot recall it! Arrghh! All the craze about the branded bags, cars, money, etc. seems meaningless to me at times. I would still love to own them but perhaps not as badly as I used to be.

Come 2014, a new life begins at the end of my comfort zone. I have to blog about this before 2014 comes knocking and I would then be too lazy to blog.

A quote from a friend's blog many years ago that left a deep impression on me:

When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were things like, astronauts, president... or in my case, a princess.. When we were ten, they asked again. We answered, a rock star, cowboy, or in my case, a gold medalist. But now that we're grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this. Who the hell knows? This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions. This is a time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love... a lot. Major in philosophy, because there's no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind, and change it again, because nothing's permanent. So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask what we want to be, we won't have to guess... we'll know.

31 things to say for a month - Day 22: Friends who are like Family

Day 22: Friendship that will last till the end of time... From SIDY to CDGJ

We love acronyms and we have an unique way to create them. These people are friends who have been extremely important in the last decade of my life and I believe will be so for the many decades to come.

I am someone who has very few female friends, most crucially attributed to my boyish character. I love having fun, hardly serious about anything unless it is studies and perhaps now work, critical, judgmental, competitive, likes to argue for the fun of it, passionate about sports, watches football week in week out, etc. and so in my teenage years, I was hardly someone who was sensitive to others' feelings nor that of myself. I could tolerate critical comments and jokes that my friends made of me because that meant I could do the same to them. As a result, I hardly had any female friends who could find a confidant in me except for one but our relationship subsequently soured. It was in the Polytechnic that I became more mature and the fact that there was only 6 boys in my class and they stuck around each other like glue and that they were very much like girls as well that made me ended up in a clique with 3 other girls. They have brought me tons of joy and laughter back in those days and sometimes I wonder why is it that we hardly meet these days?

In the last ten years or so, while other girls had a whole platoon of girlfriends, I often hung out with those boys in my secondary school. Even in the places that I worked at during vacation, the friends that I made were also mainly guys and I ain't have a clue as to why. The one negative thing about having an entire list of guy friends in your contact list but few female friends is that when they start to go into relationships or date, you drift apart and I totally understand. My presence in certain gatherings started to diminish except for that in CDGJ. The bond between the four of us was so strong simply because we were in each other's (CDJ) company for all sorts of leisure activities and real work from studying together, playing games and sports, eating out, drinking, clubbing (when we were younger), and eventually to travelling on a road trip last June. We were also each other's confidants, bitching about others and also finding comfort to our own miseries. In short, we were like the band of brothers in the Big Bang Theory, albeit less intellectual and do not live together or hang out every single day.

I would not say that our friendship has not undergo tough times because as we aged, our work and relationships have caused us to spend lesser amounts of time with each other. However, that heartwarming feeling that we get from each other (since we have gone through so much of life together) is simply irreplaceable. You know that they will not judge you for the things that you do because they know who you really are, what is your value system like and in the absence of the need to survive in a competitive environment, you show who you truly are. They support, comfort and commend you in everything that you do so as to make you a better person.

I dedicate this post to them because they are like my family members too and I know that the footprints that they have left in my heart has brought so much joy and laughter to my life that I want them to know how much I appreciate them for what they have done. They have played the roles of girlfriends for me and for that, I am really grateful!

31 things to say for a month - Day 21: Contentment

Day 21: Contentment is bliss










As usual, it is the time of the year when I have to do a reflection of all the things that I have done for the entire year and discuss with my "boss". I have to say in all these years that I have been in the organisation, my strongest pillar of support and help has come from this "boss". The term I would use in this context is "connoisseur". As a rookie, I have many things to juggle with and the fact that I have not gone down this path may make me even more unsure of what I had signed myself up for. However, I was given a lot of opportunities and room to develop, experiment and also prove myself. My potential would not have been recognised and be duly unleashed without her. No amount of thanks can convey that heartfelt gratitude that I have for her which was why I got really emotional when the issue of my future was being discussed. I know that I should have and could have done more in return but I did otherwise.

However, I also realised today that my decision had two sides to this story and depending on what kind of a person you are, you would then pick the relevant side. I want to accomplish something in life but if you ask me to specify what exactly I want to accomplish, I could probably tell you a million things. Yet given the short life span that I have, I can only accomplish that many things. So sometimes I dream of this, I dream of that, I become indecisive and I procrastinate and end up not doing a lot of things that I should have done. So when I take my scenic walk yesterday evening, I asked myself the very question, "What exactly do I want to do with my life?" I chose to leave because I want to take the leap and experiment with my life.

On the other hand, I feel that I am unable to realise much fulfillment or money in this pursuit and thus it is better for me to seek greener pastures elsewhere. For that, I guess I only have my own perfectionist self to blame. I am not a pragmatic and materialistic person and my conversations with others do not revolve around money all the time unlike some of my friends. However, the reason why I would not mind doing something that generates high financial returns for the short run because I grew up in a shabby environment and seeing my mother fret over our family's finances all the time made me determined that some day I want to be able to absolve her from all these worries for all the sacrifices that she made. Hence, if I could make more money and give her a better life, I would gladly do it. Of course, I do ponder over why I have to try so hard to make right the things that she had done inappropriately e.g. being the generous one in front of others, afraid to take on more responsibilities to provide a better environment for her children and also being easily contented with a meager salary that could hardly make ends meet every single month. Nevertheless, the many other sacrifices that she has made for me has the ability to make me overlook such imperfections on her end.

On top of that, I am an Accounting and Economics trained person. In the last 7 years of my education, I learnt one important thing in life and that is everything has a price. So sometimes, I judge my ability by the price that I can fetch with my services. So, money can be a source of motivation for me. However, I know that money cannot buy happiness hence I tell myself that I should balance it with the other view that if I end up doing something that fetches me a low value, then I must get a sense of fulfillment that is priceless. It is perhaps this thought of mine that has made my desires a bottomless pit and perhaps why I chose that quote for this post of mine, "Contentment is not the fulfillment that you want, but the realisation of how much you already have." I have the support of the people above me (bosses), the people around me (colleagues) and the people under me (stud). They edge me to continue my pursuit and be patient because I will eventually reap the rewards. Unfortunately, I have disappointed them. I say it is an issue with organisation hierarchy and functions but I know that every organisation will have this problem. It is merely a degree that differs. I want to change things but who am I to do so and to a certain extent, I question my ability to be able to do so! So I chose to run away from the problem. Perhaps a little patience would help. Maybe getting into a position where I can influence things would make me feel better. Ultimately, I only have myself to blame and to face. My own insecurity towards commitment is probably the root to all these problems but the answer to whether I can learn to commit is nothing but uncertainty.

Since either route that I take on leaves me with uncertainty, I chose the more treacherous road since I feel that I constantly want to be able to do more and better things and learn new things, etc. in life and I consider that a fulfillment. It is this trait of mine that has helped me attain success in a lot of things that I do in life (competitive drive to want to do better) but unfortunately it is a double-edged sword. I guess I will come to that later. Also, like what my professor told me, I do not know what I really want at times in life and because of that, I might have been influenced by my peers, by glamour, by riches, etc. It does not help that I see my peers moving ahead of me despite them seeing themselves as less able than me. So they edge me to move on and do other things. As a result of all these, I myself feel that I have forgotten to look back and see for myself how much I already have which is why I keep wanting to move on.

I know that life should not be a race whereby you compete with others but it is also not a leisure stroll such that you can do nothing and still reap the rewards of not doing anything. I just know that I do not want to end up like some people around me - able and capable but that unwillingness to take the risk, to shoulder greater responsibilities, the state of serenity that they desire make them accomplish nothing in their life. But who am I to judge that they have accomplished nothing? Maybe being able to enjoy a life in serenity is an accomplishment nothing else can bring?

If someday I end up with accomplishing nothing, I would also only have myself to blame. Someone ever told me, "If you tell yourself that this is something that you don't mind doing or that this is only something that you want to do for the short term but not the long term, then this is not something that you love doing. If you are doing something that you love, you will want to do it for the rest of your life." It is an insightful comment but why have I not come to discover that one thing that I really want to do for the rest of my life? In the last few years, I have spoken so much about doing something that really interests you to so many others but it is only now that I realise that my words should not have carried any weight because I do not act upon what I preach.

When will I meet that wise person who will help me discover what I truly enjoy doing? I know who he is and I should have known that I have known him all my life because he is none other than myself. However, I am still living in my own disillusioned world to deny his presence.

31 things to say for a month - Day 20: The art of accommodation

Day 20: 相見容易相處難

There is a saying in Chinese that it is easy to get along with someone who you meet occasionally but problems will start to surface when you have to live together. I think this saying cannot be more true. It takes a lot of tolerance, accommodation, sacrifices to live together as a family.  But sometimes I really wonder if living apart and meeting each other occasionally is really a better way of maintaining relationships. 

When you only meet occasionally, say once or twice a year, and live in your own comfort zone for the rest of 363 or 364 days, you do not have to deal with the other someone's whims and fancies or tolerate his or her living habits which are entirely different from yours. Thus, you tend to treasure that few occasions when you meet and would not want to spend the time arguing or fighting. 

However, if you were to stay travel together as a family or do certain things together over a prolonged period, things might change. You will probably start off the journey on a happy tone but each day, the others in the group never fail to irritate you and your patience and tolerance will diminish with each passing day. This is due to the fact that there are many sides to this person whom you claim as your family member yet you are unaware due to the lack of communication. Who will start blabbering about their own weaknesses or the unglamarous things that they have done in a gathering? Thus, the lack of communication will surface as a problem when you have to spend long periods of time together with a person. 

Problems will also compound because people make decisions based on prior knowledge and experiences and as you age, you have more life experiences and become more opinionated. Everyone thinks that they have been through a lot of ups and downs and knows it best what to avoid and what to be prepared for. I guess perhaps that is when you start to doubt what others say, want to make decisions because you think that your rich experiences will come in handy and become less receptive to changes and feedback. However, everyone needs reminders from time to time that we should use our ears wisely, listen to what others have to say before we give our own opinions and make decisions, especially if it is a collective one. 

Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that staying away from people whom you think you cannot get along with and only meet up occasionally is an escape and does not resolve the differences between you. You have to pluck up the courage to confront each other if you want your relationship to remain strong. Nevertheless, saying is easier than done. 

When I reflect upon myself, I start to worry if I will someday become some of these characters in my life who I disdain now when I am of their age. I am someone who is very steadfast in the things that I want to do and my mother used to say that I am an obstinate child. My siblings have been very tolerant and accommodating and give in to me quite a fair bit. However, as I age, I start to see my own weaknesses and I really want to become a better sibling to them so I started to change. In addition, my hatred for confrontation and arguments do help to mitigate the downsides of being obstinate. Over the years, I learn to turn away from arguments not because I am fully convinced but because I see no point in trying to be convinced or convince another person in the heat of a debate or an argument. It is better off to always let each other cool off and reflect upon things after the debate or argument. 

Things only bother you when you care a lot about it. So I told someone that perhaps some day, we will follow in the footsteps of the people whose actions we disdain and cannot comprehend. I told her that because I see that she is now an adult and is no longer someone who I can easily convince or manipulate her thinking. Her interactions with her peers and those in her social circle will also start to shape her thinking. She will still be that helpful girl who will make sacrifices but the biggest difference is that reluctance might be written all over her face while she is doing it. Showing someone your emotions outright while doing something that you dislike is not any better than not doing it at all. At least to me, I hate people who show their emotions all over their face and when I unknowingly do it at times, I feel really bad about it. "Love your neighbours like yourself" is one saying that never goes out of style to me. As I am typing this post, it suddenly dawned upon me that perhaps she has always been like that but it is just that she chose to suppress her emotions when she was much younger. 

I think this is also one of the many reasons why people become less happy as they grow older. People around you change and adapting to changes is never easy. Managing people's emotions is truly an uphill task. This could probably explain why I have been looking for that exit. 

31 things to say for a month - Day 19: HIMYM

Day 19: Catching on the American TV train

Recently, I have been following a lot of the America dramas, TV shows or sit-coms whatever you call it and it has got me reflecting on many different aspects of my life.

Big Bang Theory - Keeps you entertained and laughing non-stop throughout that 20 minutes and yes, I am looking forward to the latest season which will be screened in September.

Prison Break (Final Season) - The whole plot is just amazing and yes, I am totally into MS or Wentworth Miller whatever you would like to call it.

How I met your mother - I was introduced to this TV series about 3 years back but I never got myself to sit down to watch it until about 3 weeks ago. At first, I thought it would just be another typical "The Office" that Linky used to show me or probably another BBT that would entertain me after my hectic work schedule in Term 3. Instead, this show caught me by surprise and perhaps I am in this stage of my life that mirrored the characters in the show. I related myself to the show immediately and also a conversation I had with an ex-colleague when she introduced me to that show.

Perhaps we have been so influenced by American culture that we see their way of life as the model and one that leads to happiness eventually. Freedom is such a powerful word that controls one's minds. Freedom of speech, freedom of rights, freedom: the idea of being able to do what we want OTOT. This word 'freedom' opens up a can of worms from greed, envy, lust, jealousy, blah blah blah.

How about freedom to love? It makes me wondering if freedom to love has indeed made our world a better place. The Westerners used to laugh at the Asians model of love - arranged marriages by parents, matchmakers, etc. Ask me for their opinions on arranged marriages a few years ago, I bet as a representative of the X-generation kids, I would find it amusing and laugh people who got married through arranged marriages. However, I found my opinion to have changed lately. When I look around the world and even within my own family, I see people who married a person they thought they loved and also people who married a person that was "introduced" by another person. Somehow, there is no guarantee that if you marry someone whom you claimed as your true love, your marriage will last and that if you marry someone whom you did not pick for yourself, your marriage will fail.

Look at Asian societies. This model of arranged marriages have managed to keep families intact and preserve the fundamental unit of a society - family. It has instilled discipline in their kids and their economy. If I look at the people around me who had gone for arranged marriages, were they less happy than those who had married someone they love before they got married? The answer is "NO"!

How about the Westerners' model of freedom to love? It has topped the charts for the highest divorce rates, social problems, etc. Of course, I am not saying that there is one superior model over another and I feel that ultimately, both models have its pros and cons. I am just thinking that as an Asian, we should not no longer have to live with the prejudice and stigmatism of Whites Superiority and that they should be the role model. I believe that someday, Asian societies will be the model for other nations to follow.

31 things to say for a month - Day 18: A pleasant shopping experience

Day 18: A pleasant shopping experience

I hardly go shopping these days ever since I jumped onboard the online shopping train. However, I go to shops once in a while to see the latest trends in town and also buy things that I cannot buy online or prefer to try on before I pay for it. So there I was in a Sports shop just hours ago when the store assistant made my day. This store assistant is not a fully abled person and perhaps due to his disability,  he showed me patience more than what a usually able-bodied person would.

I usually take quite a long time to decide on the right size of the clothes I buy these days because I am always trying to find the balance between comfort and appearance. Buying something that fits well these days seems to make me feel less comfortable because of the extra kilos that I have put on over the years, lol! While I was deliberating on the right size and showed a guilty face because I was kind of wasting too much of his time, he just politely said I could take my time and decide. Although that sounded like his responsibility as a sales assistant, it has become a precious attitude these days with us leading a much more fast-paced lifestyle and with everyone around you looking for efficiency and you not wasting their time.

Sometimes, we able-bodied people do need to reflect on the way we lead our lives. Too much of efficiency really makes you a less empathetic person, don't we?

Thank you, sales assistant, from the bottom of my heart.

31 things to say for a month - Day 17: Ill-discipline and French

Indeed, I failed to write a piece of blogpost every day and entered into hiatus for the past 1 week. However, I have reasons as to why I failed on my mission. Firstly, I have been really swarmed with work and other commitments so much so that I have been returning home at around 8 or 9 pm every day. As a result, I was too tired to blog. Secondly, I decided that perhaps I should not update it so frequently else my blog might attract unintended attraction. Thirdly, I want to be a responsible online citizen such that I do not make comments that might be irresponsible or uncalled for because I had not thought through the things that I write about. Fourthly, I kind of ran out of things to write so I needed more time to interact with people and reflect on what I would like to talk about else I would most likely have overlapping posts.

Day 17: Why I call myself an ill-disciplined person



J'aime le Francais!

Ever since I was a kid, I was a big fan of this nation by the name of France. I have completely no idea why, maybe it was due to the colours of the flag, the shape of their map, the monuments that I hear about that exist in France, etc. So when I was in the Polytechnic, I decided that some day I must pick up French and of course visit France. The latter was much more easier so I went to Paris a few years ago and also revisited the place. I did not experience as much success when it comes to picking up French. I went for French classes (Beginner and Intermediate) about 7 years ago on a moment of impulse. Like I previously mentioned, I like to do things in the heat of a moment so the decision to sign up for French struck me when I was at Jurong East interchange and felt a sudden surge to start fulfilling the goals that I set. I had been working at Hilton for a few months and learnt to appreciate that knowing a third language is a skill. I was also edged on by the sudden extra cash that I saw in my bank account because I had just gotten my final pay check from my previous job at Hilton and would also be receiving my scholarship allowance soon.

It took me a lot of courage to go for French lessons alone and having to learn a language and not have anyone else to practise with simply make things worse. I diligently attend lessons every Wednesday night from 730 to 930 but despite knowing the words, I faced problems with conversing. After all, French requires the use of the naval cavity to pronounce a lot of words. After 2 rounds of lessons and the fact that I experience very low success rates compared to my classmates, I eventually gave up.

This is not the only thing that I gave up halfway as I grew up. I was having a conversation with a student and a parent when the idea of the lack of discipline popped up. The student wants to try out different things in life and learn as many skills as possible but he never stuck to one and mastered it. We concluded that it was due to a lack of discipline. I could very quickly pinpoint that out because I was no different from him. When I was in Primary School, I envied others who can play the piano and dreamt of being able to do it some day but I never picked up piano. When I was in Secondary School, I was invited to join the Badminton Team but I was not disciplined enough to be able to undergo the arduous training. Then later, I decided that perhaps learning guitar could be easier so I went to sign up for guitar classes. Now I have a guitar in the storeroom and it has collected more dust than one can imagine. I wanted to learn how to play snooker, bowl, table tennis, french etc. but I never master any of these things. The only thing that I managed to pick up as a grown-up is tennis and that was because Linky and Shawny edged me on all the time.

I guess after this piece of reflection, perhaps it is time to dig those old french books of mine and start picking it up again. That shall be my short-term goal or goal for this year? hahaha!

31 things to say for a month - Day 16: Fear

Day 16: Things that I fear



When people talk about fears, I used to think about fear of rejection (for me), cats, being a loner e.g. going to movies alone, not having someone to lunch or have dinner with, snakes ... (dot dot dot). If what I listed was in descending order of fear, you have just learnt something new about me. Lol. However, a few years ago, when I thought about what I truly fear, I realised the above are instances of me being AFRAID of being judged by others or simply DISLIKING something. In addition, I no longer find it odd to dine alone (I see so many lonely people at the cafe all the time) though I would still not want to go to movies by myself.

So what is it that I am afraid of deep down at the bottom of my heart? It is growing old. I have always been an active person - enjoy playing sports, traveling, thrill rides, etc. I simply cannot stand myself being immobile.

Firstly, with old age, all the activities that I derive pleasure from will start to elude me, except mahjong, singing, watching football (but sometimes I do wonder if someday Man U goes downhill after ushering a new managerial era, will I still enjoy watching football?), sleeping and nua-ing.

Secondly, with old age comes death. I am not afraid of dying because the person who leaves this world no longer undergoes any sort of emotions, only leaving his or her loved ones in despair but I am afraid to face the death of my loved ones. The feeling of not being able to see someone for the rest of your life is heartbreaking for me, at least.

Thirdly, old age also brings along his best friends, illnesses. Imagine having to eat medicine on a daily basis and deprive yourself of all the gourmet. :( Being an unhealthy old woman is the last thing that I want honestly. Perhaps I should start eating green things. Lol.

Fourthly, regrets come with old age and your fears simply multiply. You fear that you will not be able to do this or that and end up regretting not doing something. You may also reminisce about the past and start to view issues from a "on hindsight" perspective and wish that you had done things differently but life has no U-turn and no one can do everything right at the first attempt. So, we just got to learn to deal with regrets.

However, growing old does have its benefits as well. You learn better how to control your temper, learn to be more loving, gain wisdom, learn to care less about how people judge you and also judge the world less because like what our beloved MM Lee said, you can no longer influence the world neither can the world influence you further. Sometimes, when you no longer care about something, you find inner peace. Maybe that is what people call nirvana.  Will I attain it anytime soon?

Whatever stage of your life you are in, just remember no matter how big your accomplishments are thus far, how wealthy you are or would become, how smart or stupid you are, how popular you are as a person, how many relationships you were once in, how many friends you have, how many people truly love you or did not love you, blah blah blah, the moment we shut our eyes for eternity, we are all equal and identical, merely a corpse. But that does not mean we can do evil for before you close your eyes, you got to make right the wrongs that you have done.

On a closing note, I may seem brave at a lot of fronts but I guess I am just a scaredy cat like a lot of people around me whom I call so!

31 things to say for a month - Day 15: Comfort Zone

Day 15: Something I said today that caught me by surprise

A usual tennis game and a chatting session and usually I am the one influenced by Linky but I thought the tides were turned today. 

Linky has made a whole deal of difference in my life for the last 5 years that we have known each other. A simple analogy that he always use is that "He is the hand that feeds me and I should not bite him by any means." If not for his recommendations, I would not have gotten those fat pay cheques and fulfill my dream of travelling to so many different cities, countries, continents. If it weren't for his company, I seriously doubt I would even pick up a tennis racquet needless to say play tennis decently now. If he hadn't nagged at me for being spendthrift and brainwash me into the need to plan and save for retirement, I probably will not see my bank account having any zeros at all. Lastly, if it weren't for me, I would not have found as much meaning to my job and also as much grouses about it. 

Both of us were so bent on leaving the service a year ago. However, as our time in that place which got us started as friends draws to a close, he is starting to believe that this is his comfort zone and he would probably overturn his decision to call it a day. On the other hand, my determination to explore new possibilities has never been stronger than now. I was the all enthusiastic and passionate one when it all begin but now our positions about our future were swapped, not the part about him becoming enthusiastic and passionate though. As usual, when we discussed about this today, he tried to persuade me to not make silly decisions and consider the implications and the opportunity cost that I will face. He is an intelligent guy and if he had been or were to be slightly more motivated and think less like an economist, he can achieve big things in life given his capacity. Not that I disagree with the Economist mentality but that it can only get you so far in life after all because the assumptions are unrealistic.  

So I told him that if we choose to remain where we are now and indulge in the comfort that this is providing us, we will leave our bigger dreams behind. But then again, come to think of it, we established a common ground that though we may be alike in many aspects, what we want in life is ultimately very different. His belief of happiness stems from money whereas mine stems from pure happiness that may or may not come from money, merely dreams to live the life I want. That aside, the things that I want to accomplish do require money as well but perhaps if I choose the latter over money, I will probably have less material comfort and branded goods unlike Linky. No TAG Heuer watch, car,   branded goods, jetting off to different countries at my own time own target without worrying about a penny but I guess I am not that materialistic after all. 

I have branded bags and I feel I do have enough already. If I could add one more, it would increase my utility but MU is definitely falling. I wish so badly for a car 3-4 years ago but that desire is very well contained at this point in time. I would probably want to have my own loft but I guess I can manage my expectations and tell myself that a home without the warmth of my parents and siblings - The Efficient Technician and The Superb Home Maker, The Fat Sensitive (Ass) Garbage Truck and the Joker and Family would not be enticing.

So in conclusion, no doubt Linky has been a positive influence in many ways, he has also been a reflection of what I want at a certain age and what I do not require at another stage. He used to say that I am someone that he should hang out with moderately and I guess likewise him for me. Too much of him makes me a devil (greedy and materialistic) but too little of him makes me too stupid and silly. Overall, I still love his company as a friend for he is definitely someone whom I have known in the last five years that I can truly open myself to and yes, he understands me and reads me pretty well. 

31 things to say for a month - Day 14: My Sister

Day 14: Would my life have been better or worse off without her?

[Post re-numbered since my sister is born on the 14th of a month.]

Writing this "31 things to say for a month" is really trying especially if I had not done much things in the day, talked to anyone in particular or had been too occupied to do any reflection or thought through what should be the post for the day.

So today, I shall talk about this person who has greatly influenced my life and my world would have been a very different one without her. It could have been better but it could also have been a lot worse but as a loving sister, I choose to believe that her existence has brought more happiness than sadness. This person behind me is none other than my sister.

When I was younger, I used to have feelings of disdain for this "creature" because I always felt that my mother was biased towards her. However, when I grew older and became more mature, I realized that siblings should not have any form of jealousy between them because we are connected by blood ties. To quote my grandmother, "a person's fingers are different i.e. have different lengths and width", so each child is different though they may come from the same parents thus we should not expect a mother to love each and every of her child equally. As I age, I also realise that since I can be the more capable and independent one and can afford less attention and TLC from my parents, it is also a blessing in disguise. 

This change in mindset altered the relationship that I share with my sister completely. We start to share our perspectives of things in life and in a way, I find her opinions relevant and some of her suggestions turn out to be pretty constructive. Things took a bigger turn when my brother got married and moved out and I have one less confidant resultantly. There was also an air of competition between us, albeit it was a healthy one in all aspects of our life besides our weight (no one wanted to put on more weight). A little competition gives you the drive to accomplish things and persevere in face of difficulties. We constantly try to improve on our badminton game because we do not want to lose to each other, we teach each other Mathematics, we challenge each other in smartphone games, etc. Where academics is concerned, perhaps most of the time it was my sister having to play catch up with me since I often was the one who sat certain standards and by the time she grew of age, she had all these expectations and benchmarks to fulfill. I would say she did not do that badly, in fact she excels in a lot of different areas. 

However, there are certain things which clearly define who we are and even though we are siblings, we can never be alike. I can never be as kind-hearted and patient as her while she cannot swear as much as I do and vent her frustrations like a balloon (inflate and deflate continuously just like my emotions). I will never develop the interest and motivation to do all those hand-made cards whereas she will never appreciate alcohol and football. She is portrayed as the angel while me, the devil. There is nothing wrong with being the devil honestly and somehow all middle child end up as the devil. 

Over the years, through our healthy and subtle competition, we help each other become a better person. She helps me to improve on my badminton and my patience threshold, gives me opinions on the things I do in school - reads my question and comments on the difficulty level, listens to my grouses when I mark at home, helps me blow my hair because I am lazy and unwilling to blow it dry before sleeping, sat through my first ever lecture, etc. On the other hand, I teach her how to improve on her mahjong skills, listen to her singing (hohoho), give her travelling tips, let her spend my money (occasionally), troubleshoot the internet at home, etc. 

Our relationship strengthened a lot the last few years and we truly enjoy each other's companionship. I am really glad that my mother had decided to not give up on this child 22 years ago otherwise I would have been a totally different person - for better or for worse, I do not know. I just know - sisters rock. :) She is a garbage track that takes in all the nonsense that I churn out on a daily basis and she is one of the few people who knows me inside out. Sometimes, we talk about life in old age and death and as usual, the angel promises and has to pray that she has to outlive the devil because the devil does not want to be the one who lives to see her loved ones depart one by one. However, often is the case that the kind-hearted soul departs first to be with God so our prayers are probably not going to be answered. 

31 things to say for a month - Day 13: True Love

Day 13: If the opportunity cost of searching the "right" one is too high, what would you do? Continue the search or settle for the next best?


This was a conversation that took place between a group of my colleagues and me and it is not hard for one to detect that most of us who engaged in this conversation were Economics-trained which explains why the use of Economics terminologies.

It started with my colleague asking "Is there a price to everything in this world, including love?" So, if someone (average looking, healthy, age range suitable) is willing to pay 20 lots of Apple shares as betrothal gift (based on price at that point in time ~ US$10 million), would you agree to marry him or her even if there is no love between the two of you. Of course, we gave different answers. Some were adamant that love does not have a price and firmly said NO whereas others simply went along with it and agreed. At least for me, I said YES too with the answer that followed the "YES" as how I will make use of that money to achieve bigger things in life - save the wildlife? sponsor kids in Africa? stat a foundation, etc. My purpose here is not to transcript the entire conversation but to share bits and pieces of the conversation and how I am pondering over this conversation again recently.

So often I get the question, "what exactly do you look for in your other half?" that though I myself have thought over the question a million times, I still do not have an answer. I guess for me, a lot has gone past me. The youthful days of being in a courtship and falling in love could be something as simple as just simply having feelings for another someone are no longer things that I believe in anymore. To a certain extent, looks used to matter for me and wealth, socioeconomic status and educational background not so much. Someone I once treasured dearly told me that simply falling in love with another person and then getting together is something that a pure and innocent heart would succumb to and that should stay with me for the longest time ever in order for me to find true happiness. Unfortunately as the years go by, that someone disappeared from my life and those words dissipated too.

When I look in the mirror at myself every single day, I think of the dreams that I have dreamt and the future that I am working towards, I can only tell myself that what stands in between me and those things are only myself and unlike my family members or friends who have another half - could be their spouses or their offsprings.

I love to travel.
I want to be a global citizen.
I hope to do something for society in the bigger picture of things besides education.

Without money, intellect, and the heart to want to do the things that I envision, where will our future lie? Of course I am not saying that it is only about him having to complement me for I will be as willing to accomplish the things that his heart desires. However, I am just not willing to let go of the things that I have set out to do so I do not think I will be ready to welcome another person into my life anytime soon or even for the remaining of my lifespan because I have gotten so used to how I have governed and directed my own life by myself thus far. However, if I do want to welcome that another person, I guess he has to be financially and mentally ready to complement me. Things that did not use to matter to me have suddenly become important and once again, I will be the one standing in between that someone waiting to enter the picture and myself.

This brings me to the start of this post. The opportunity cost of searching this right match of mine is simply too high and I am not willing to settle for 2nd best - a companion that can be with me for the rest of my life but may not be able to accomplish the things that I want to do. I may end up being a housewife or a typical working mother instead. Life is full of choices. My life is filled with plenty of 3rd best, 4th best, blah blah blah which I never once considered. 2nd best - maybe 10 lots of apple shares based on 2012 share price but just hypothetical.

I used to believe in 'love at first sight' but now, no way. Someone who has only known me in the last 3 years compared to someone who has known me for the last 13 years? The latter will know the real me and the former will probably see only the tip of the iceberg as to who I really am and my desires. It is not possible for me to make a stranger know me in 3 years and accept me for who I am because I am definitely more complicated than most people think who I am. I have my emotions and my way of venting my frustrations, I stand up for what I think is the right thing to do in the heat of the moment and then stumble upon the consequences later, I like to be happy and laugh over the slightest thing because I call that pure happiness. But in my everyday life, I just choose to be easy-going, conform to social norms most of the time and hide my emotions.

So sometimes, I ask myself, "God gave me everything else in moderate to make sure I have a good balance in most aspects of my life but why did He shut the door for the other half to enter completely?" After deliberating with myself countless times, I choose to believe that He has other plans for me and if I have to accomplish what I was tasked to, I just need to be alone to prevent me from being distracted. After all, like I said earlier, it is always me myself standing in between me and the other person and unless I can make peace with myself, I can never question Him.

31 things to say for a month - Day 12: My Homeland

Day 12: One day in the longest time ever when my feelings for my country are especially strong


Source: Google "Doodle for Google Singapore" competition

It was yet another National Day Celebration for me but I realise that as I age, I love National Day celebrations more. Although it might be yet another propagandistic event for many and I do agree to a certain extent, I have to say that I enjoyed it.

As I see the images of historic Singapore being screened, I recall those times I spend as a child in Singapore in the 1990s and early 2000s. The iconic Changi Airport Control Tower, Merlion, Singapore River, etc. that used to appear in my Social Studies textbook, my scrapbook when I was in Primary 4, and my art piece in Secondary school compared to the Singapore Flyer, Esplanade, MBS that may appear in the textbooks of the next generation made me realise how much Singapore has changed over the last decade. However, me being the reminiscent kid, loves the old Singapore much much more. As a kid, I love my country and singing the nation anthem and the National Day songs to me was what I defined a sense of pride that I have for my country. Patriotic emotions overwhelm me whenever I listen or sing those songs and that I will do whatever it takes to showcase to others Singapore and everything that I love about it - positive and negative.

I really miss those things that define Singapore in the past - emphasis on racial harmony, on mixing with people of different races, health education and CME, Singapore Kindness Movement, Garden City, Nation Building, preserving our heritage such as Chinatown, Kampong Glam, Little India, Clarke Quay, etc. Though when I become much older, I found these campaigns silly at times but I appreciate the fact that they formed part of my childhood because those were the things that I found myself deeply rooted and attached to. Moreover, they definitely helped in making us more gracious Singaporeans. However, the kids these days undergo such education, no more.

Perhaps that explains why when I stared at the kids sitting in front of me, watching the celebrations unfold, putting up skits on what defines Singapore - Hello Kitty craze, foreign workers issues, haze, Malaysia Cup and football 1994, congested public transport, etc., I feel a sense of mockery towards the celebrations and seriously, is this what Singapore is to you?

Somehow, when you celebrate the Nation's birthday with someone of a different race yet was born in the same country and grew up facing the same monuments, surroundings and shared a common heritage and culture, you feel bonded and it is so much easier to instill in a person pride and love for the country. No doubt we need more babies to ensure the survival of Singapore and we need foreign workers to keep Singapore competitive to attract investments but no pain, no gain. Every choice incurs an opportunity cost. A local born and bred kid is just different from another who is not. The sense of pride that this represents your roots is not there, isn't it?

This leaves me wondering if the kids at my stage of life a decade later will feel the same way for Singapore like I do now? C'mon people, we really need to do something to make them love Singapore the way we do now. Or maybe to the people out there, it does not matter who will live in Singapore ten or twenty years down the road, might not be someone who knows and loves Singapore, so long as they continue to contribute to the nation's economic progress, they are welcome. However, in the face of disaster, would they still be the one to stay and protect our homeland?

If I could choose, I would rather not have such rapid economic progress to enable me to run away from home and face so much congestion and sometimes disdain for the people I meet on the streets. I want the old Singapore to be back - familiar faces around me and people share a similar heritage and culture, seeing kids who are born and bred in Singapore keeping each other in good company, feeling proud and singing the National Anthem and National Day songs loud and happy, feeling the excitement for various races' special occasions like Chinese New Year where time seems to literally stop, Hari Raya, Deepavali, etc. though that may mean I will have to travel less, earn less and not have the latest technological gadget to keep me company. At least I can travel in my OWN country in comfort and not in someone else's country in comfort and would want to stay here for the rest of my life instead of constantly thinking of how to break free.

p/s: My feelings in this post do not in any way represent my position and stand as an educator but it is purely my personal opinions.

31 things to say for a month - Day 11: Motivational Quotes

Day 11: 1+1 = 2 of my all-time favourite quotes

A good life is when you smile often, dream big, laugh a lot, and realise how blessed you are for what you have. ~BAKED GOODZ TUMBLR

This is my all-time favourite quote because I feel that we often focus on what we have yet to achieve rather than what we have achieved. If you do not count your blessings, how then are you gonna find the strength and motivation to continue? If happiness is a destination and the route we are taking to get to our destination is filled with misery, then do we expect ourselves to find true happiness when we eventually get there? I really do not think so. So start living happily from today! 

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength. ~CHRIS BRADFORD 

This is my 2nd all-time favourite quote and I chance upon this quote two years ago. When I first read it, I found it to be motivating especially for people who might be experiencing failure at a particular juncture in their life. Last year, when I read it again, I found myself interpreting it from a totally different perspective. It is about not giving up even at the toughest moments in life.

I love motivation quotes. They always give me strength when I feel down and perhaps that explains why I always share them with the important people in my life. 

31 things to say for a month - Day 10: values that never go out of style

Day 10: Values that never go out of style



When I was younger, I used to comment on how outdated or old-fashioned my parents, teachers or even grandparents were whenever they preach about the values one should have. I would then tell myself back then that I shall never be like them when I grow older. Now that I have aged considerably, I start to evaluate the younger generation of kids unknowingly like how my parents used to. Unfortunately, my impression of the majority of the youths that I hang around is really what I would say "CMI to the CMI" in Singlish.

Like I always preach, times can change but certain attributes like discipline, humility and perseverance can never go out of style and these are what define success, ain't they?

I simply cannot understand why the youths I meet laugh and joke about quizzes about racial harmony celebration and are amused by such childish acts yet when the focal point of the celebration came about, they choose to talk among themselves, criticise and mock at the people who actually braved themselves to put up a performance in front of all their peers.

I also simply cannot tolerate them talking among themselves, falling asleep, dreaming and staring into blank space in lectures or tutorials when they are so damn poor in a subject matter. It is not wrong to sleep in lectures or drift off occasionally, who does not? I do that often when I was a student too. I used to sleep during my accounting lectures, chit chat with Linky during M&B lectures, colour my lecture notes in all the modules that I took, etc. but I pull my weight when it comes to my academics. I bother to download the slides and scroll through them if I do not understand a particular topic but students these days conveniently turn to their tutors and say I don't understand and I don't know and expect others to explain to them. Whose learning and whose responsibility are we talking about here? To be very crude when I put this across, it would simply mean "if you are smart and can perform then perhaps I could cut you some slack if you do not pay attention. But if you are already so damn lousy in your studies and you are not that bright to be able to absorb things quickly and eventually produce the results, then you jolly well pay attention during lessons and mug your ass off to get your academics right and do well eventually to squeeze yourself into the university by appeal or by scraping through your academic career."

To make things worst, they have the least bit of respect for others. They chat among themselves when they are uninterested in something, showing the least bit of respect for the speaker. Sometimes I do wonder, is this what a westernised culture or individualistic culture is about? Would it be the case that in America or Europe, when teachers teach or when people deliver a speech, the audiences are free to talk among themselves, make sarcastic remarks, fiddle with your tech gadgets etc. and the speaker or teacher is supposed to ignore them, in line with freedom of speech and free rights? So since Singapore is becoming more Westernised, our younger generation are following in their footsteps.  As a lecturer, you should not be expecting the full attention of all your students and if you see them talking or playing with their mobile phones, you are supposed to ignore them. I start to lose focus on what should be the norm and what should be the right value to inculcate especially when I do not see others reinforcing the same things. I even wonder if I should just ignore them and continue with my lesson even though I know that they are not paying attention but the devil inside me always never fail to give them a piece of my mind.

Call me old fashioned if you want but I simply cannot tolerate neither do I advocate such behavior. I used to be a very rebellious student and I may have certain negative feedback or comments about some lecturers or speakers that I have come across. If I feel that someone is not making sense yet I need to be present for that event, I would simply switch off by dreaming (not talking to my friends) or turn on my critical mode and start identifying the flaws in the speakers' arguments silently. My baseline is that even though I may not agree with what you are saying, I should show basic respect and not comment openly. But I cannot understand why the youths these days cannot do so. There is an apparent lack of sense of urgency and to make things worst, when they are being told off or asked to hurry, they show a non-chalant attitude. Sometimes I really feel like giving some of these people (not just youths themselves but the people who are supposed to help educate them) a few tight slaps to make them wake up from their stupid ideas or dreamland that "Don't think that the world owes you anything and that should you disappear from this world some day, the earth is not going to stop spinning for you."

Maybe only when people age then do they start understanding the importance of these values or virtues.

I wonder if you meet people with such characteristics or behaviour in your everyday life and sometimes you really feel like slapping them but you know you cannot. But these habits are formed from a young age and if the youths these days do not see the problem with such behaviour, they are going to bring with them these behaviour into adulthood and our society is definitely going downhill.

1. Not smart but want to act smart because they assume that they are on top of the world. 
My response: Please la, you think you are Einstein is it? Even Einstein also not the smartest man on earth lor. How smart can you be? One mountain higher than another mountain, you know?

2. No action, talk only 
My response: Please la, why you think God give you one pair of hands but only one mouth. Cause actions speak louder than words la. Sooner or later people will know that you are NATO and congrats lor, you just shame yourself.

3. Show people attitude when they are obviously in the wrong. 
My response: Please la, wrong then say sorry can? Still want to argue and show attitude.

4. Always saying I don't know or I don't understand 
My response: You know something call "GOOGLE", "WIKIPEDIA" or "YOUTUBE". Go and search online la. If not, then go library read encyclopedia. When you don't know something, you are supposed to use your brain to go and understand and find out, not use your mouth and say "I don't know or I don't understand".

I would only find my own responses funny or amusing when I write it in Singlish. If I were to write it in English, it would probably sound too mild. Hope that has entertain you a little but this is me. :)

31 things to say for a month - Day 9: Is Education everything?

Writing these 31 things to say for a month really makes me reflect on a certain aspect of my life on a daily basis and I have been walking down memory lane and reminiscing about the past. 

Day 9: Someone told me if you study hard, you will have a future. If you do not, you will struggle to make ends meet when you grow up. 

As I was growing up, people around me be it my grandmother, parents, school teachers, media, etc. kept emphasising on the need for one to have a good education in order to secure a good future. Those words stayed in me for the longest time ever and I plough really hard for my academics. Nevertheless, I had my fair share of fun engaging in sports, playing mahjong, chilling near Merlion Park twice or thrice every week, etc. throughout my 17 years of education. 

When I finally graduated with a good honours degree 3 years ago, I was looking forward to my supposed or assumed bright future. However, the last 3 years has been a stark contrast of what I had imagined. Not that I have been suffering or whatsoever but sometimes I wonder if I had been truly happy the last few years and had the rosy picture painted to me since young really materialize? Truth to be told, I actually enjoy studying and like I told my students, the first time I did 'A' levels invigilation, I actually found that memory to be sweet when the students were told that they could begin writing. It is that sense of satisfaction yet nerve-wrecking feeling that you have to illustrate how much revision you had done the previous day or days or weeks in that few hours that I miss I guess. 

So even if it was not for the money or that supposed bright future, I would also have want to build up my academic competency. Nevertheless, like what the economists always say, education is nothing but a signal. It is a signal of your abilities and what you study honestly may or may not be of importance to your future career. I guess times have changed and mindsets are no longer the same. Students these days do not truly have that passion to acquire knowledge anymore and the reasons as to why they are mugging so hard are parental pressure, bright future, high-paid job, etc. If a bright future and a high-paid job are what you are looking for, education may not be the way at times. I did all the things that I was told and obtained a good degree but none of those things materialized. I am still stuck on the little red dot and the bigger world outside is still waiting for me to explore. This has struck me especially hard recently when I see my close friends leaving to work overseas one by one and I definitely envy them. However, I feel happy for them at the same time for I have always wanted to be a global citizen and I was told my education would be a gateway to what or who I want to be but looks like ceteris paribus assumption was applied. You need luck, the right job and an education, but not necessarily a good one to get you what you want. 

31 things to say for a month - Day 8: Intelligence is incremental

Day 8: Something that had kept me growing and going over the years



I have been considered a high achiever for many years of my life but no one ever looked back at who I was and how I have worked in order to come so far today. I experienced academic success in primary school but my complacency ensured that failure was to come at an earlier stage in my life. Back then, I had this fixed mindset that if I were smart, I would eventually do well in my PSLE and that was the start of my downfall.

Going to a neighbourhood secondary school kinda made the difference in my life. Till now, I still believe that going to a secondary school can make a whole lot of difference in the way you think and how your future is going to be like. The kind of preparation, values and academic push you get in a good secondary school are the building blocks to success in what I deem as a growth mindset "brainology". I was deemed to overcome my failure at a young age in secondary school in order to turn the tides.

Failing at an earlier stage in my life meant that I had to work doubly hard in order to catch up with my primary school peers who had a comparative advantage in terms of the education that they had received in their branded secondary schools. Eventually I did so and I chose a different academic path from my peers but I did not regret to a large extent. A polytechnic education shaped up my hands-on work attitude and also necessary soft skills. It was this growth mindset that intelligence is not fixated that kept me thinking and going whereby if I continue to plough, I will someday close the gap that had arisen due to the comparatively more relaxing curriculum in a neighbourhood school. I am glad that I eventually made my mark at the Polytechnic and University.

When I became an educator, this belief continued and it was this exact tool that I used to motivate my first batch of graduating students. Yes, I have seen how underachievers push themselves to overachieving at the finishing line and all these would not have happened if they had not adopted this similar growth mindset like I did in the past. Nevertheless, like I had always told them, their journey of life has just begun when they open up choices to university.

However, having being in the industry for some time has made me slowed down a lot in terms of my own personal development and growth and IMO, if I want to continue to grow, I need a change. This is also why I had been pushing myself so hard in the first half of the year.

Readers out there, adopt a growth mindset! Believe that you can become better and some day, you will achieve your goals and fulfill your dreams. :) Love the quote by Henry Ford. :)

31 things to say for a month - Day 7: Childhood Memories

Day 7: A childhood experience that was unforgettable



Recently, I have been working with one group of students on traditional games in Singapore and memories of my childhood flooded back. I wonder why kids these days no longer hang out at void decks, outside "mama" shops, corridors to play games like hopscotch, zero point, sepak takraw no more.

I remembered when I was in primary school, I used to hang out with my friends at void decks playing hopscotch or used chalk to draw the boxes in my corridor. We will spend hours using our wallets, keys as items to mark our territory on the hopscotch boxes. Zero point was a game I used to play with my cousins, siblings, and friends in schools. Playing these games was a good way to bond and it is a good workout, at least much better than playing video games that is sedentary and makes you put on a few kilos. I recalled that when we were playing zeropoint, we will really try our best to jump across the line made by rubber-bands and if we could not, we would actually do a somersault. Also, there were times when we had to slap the line against the floor and you actually had to jump across it. All these were techniques that require a lot of practices to master. If you were stuck at a certain level, you had to keep going and that really trains you to persevere.

Has technology really eroded important aspects of one's culture and certain values that are building blocks to success when one age?

Some day, we need to relive these experiences of our childhood. Friends or cousins or siblings who read this, when will you be game for another zero point or hopscotch challenge?

31 things to say for a month - Day 6: Tennis

Day 6: One of the things I picked up as a grown-up

When I was young, people used to tell me that if I really want to learn something, I should start young because when you grow older, you somehow become "more stupid" when it comes to learning new things. About a year ago, I also read about it in National Geographic. Scientific experiment and examination of our brain suggests that as we age, there is something called a white or grey matter that forms a protective layer over our brain which prevents damage yet at the same time impede learning of new things.

Tennis is one of the few things that I have picked up as a grown-up. Come to think of it, it has been 5 years since they day I first picked up that tennis racquet and hit a ball. It is never an easy sport to learn and honestly although I am very rooted and skilled in my ground shots, I have not made much progress in other aspects of the game such as volleys, slice, and overhead serve. Two days ago, I went to look at videos a friend of mine helped record in 2009 and 2010 of my tennis training and a recreational session. It suddenly dawned upon me that it is time I take another video and see how much I have progressed over the last 3 years. The last 3 years have simply flown past me and sometimes in the middle of the night, I do wonder, have I lived my last 1000 odd days meaningfully and as though each of those days was the last?

Picking up tennis is definitely one of the best things that has happened to me in the past 5 years because it was one of the many things that I had always wanted to do and managed to do. There are still a lot of unaccomplished items on my bucket list and this post probably is a good timely reminder that it is time for me to kick my own ass and start striking those things off my bucket list.

Watch me in action:

31 things to say for a month - Day 5: My Cousin

Day 5: A random picture from my travel adventures

I have always been an avid fan of travelling and I have been around the world with some of my family members, relatives, friends, strangers (tours) or even by myself. Every group of people that I have travelled with brought me a different experience and it was through this travel adventures that I learnt how to accommodate others, be more tolerant, sharpen my navigation skills and also learn to appreciate life better.

This person in the picture grew up together with me and the day I landed on Mother Earth was also the day I got to know her. We have been through a lot as we grew up and we never have any qualms confiding in each other. Going to Beijing together and completing a climb through the Great Wall of China was definitely one of the biggest achievements that we have accomplished together even though we have known each other for years. I have met a lot of people who tend to compete with people that are of the same age as them or a year or two older or younger than them and who grow up together with them. After all, we live in a world whereby what matters is the relative gap, never the absolute one.

However, this is one girl whom I have grown up together with mostly in the absence of competition, just constantly seeing each other in a positive light and constantly encouraging each other. Maybe in our younger days, there might be a tinge of comparison by others but I am glad that for most part of the time that we spent together, we held on to each other with faith and in admiration of our different virtues and strengths and weaknesses. We are worlds apart when it comes to our intellect, looks, family background, character, etc. but in each other, we feel the happiness for another's accomplishment or better luck.

Yes no doubt, that trip to Beijing was the first time I missed a flight while travelling but the company that I had and us finally embarking on a travel adventure was a short yet sweet journey.

I chose this picture for this post because this person in the picture had in most part of my life brought me happy memories (not that we do not quarrel or bully each other while we were younger, maybe more like I was the one being bullied while we grew up together). This picture is perhaps the best way to depict how our lives have been, two girls embarking on a journey called life together from young as seen by the background of that long stretch of the Great Wall of China (the part of the journey we have accomplished thus far) and along this journey, come to a rest at a certain point in their lives (travelling together). After the break, they will continue this journey of life (climbing the Great Wall) but along the way, they will meet different people, pursue different dreams and move at different speeds. No one is to say who will reach the summit faster or earlier because in this journey, there is no competition, just support and encouragement.

And this very special person is my cousin whom I have always treated like a sister, in the past, present and will be in the future.

31 things to say for a month - Day 4: Do Not Judge

Day 4: If you judge others, then do not be shy to be judged by others


Ever wonder why Lady Justice is blindfolded, carries a scale and a sword? Recently, it dawn upon me that I have always been a critical person as in I form opinions of what others say and do i.e. I judge them. However, ever since entering into this profession of mine, I have learnt to be less judgmental and always give others the benefit of doubt. As much I can be non-judgmental when dealing with the kids, I find it hard to detach myself from judging others in other aspects of life. Nevertheless, I do not see how this judgment of mine might matter to the other party since it has always been a "IMO" thing to me.

To many people, the word judgment seems to carry a negative connotation. However, I beg to differ. After all, it is an attribute that is a double-edged sword. As someone who is considered judgmental, I am critical and tend to have a preference for things, rate things on a scale (1 being the least preferred and 10 being the most preferred) lol etc. My preference for one thing relative to another stirs up emotions in my dealings with people and things in general and every single day, I battle with my own emotions and learn to manage others' feelings. I have to constantly remind myself that I may judge people but I should keep my judgments to myself and in a professional manner, be it at work or in my social circle, I try my best not to let those judgments affect the decision making process. However, I would very much appreciate if others who judge me come forth and tell me their opinions of me. At the end of the day, I do know that their opinions are only a source of reference or something to trigger me to reflect upon myself and if someone bothers to point out my shortcomings right in my face, I know that he or she truly cares for my well-being and hopes to see me becoming a better person over time. Nevertheless, I recognise that not everyone can withstand such criticisms especially if someone has a low self-esteem.

So, being too judgmental of course can affect your relationships with others. You become sensitive about what others have to comment about you because when you tend to judge people, you are prepared for the fact that others might judge you too. Whereas for people who do not have the tendency to judge others, when you make certain remarks about them, they are oblivious to it and they are simply unaware that you are judging them. With the passage of time, I also learnt that your judgment or opinions do not matter to people who could not care less about judging other people whereas to people who are judgmental, your opinions would even matter less since they would then have their own judgment about you or your opinions or the party concerned.

In conclusion, because of me being a judgmental person yet recognising the associated negative consequences of it, I find myself not being trusting towards others. I choose to reserve my opinions to the few trusted aide. However, I do wonder at times that if I do not open up myself to others, how then do I expect others to open up to me and acquire more trusted aide by my side? After all, no one would pour out his or her sorrows to another stranger right? We want to be able to relate our experiences to people who see what we see and feel what we feel. Perhaps, this explains why as I age, I have fewer and fewer friends whom I can confide in. I still make friends with others easily but I would not want our friendship to develop beyond "hi-bye" and casual chats because I do not want to have to share my opinions otherwise, it will be 说多错多.

31 things to say for a month - Day 3: Train Stations

Day 3: A feeling that will leave me in despair



Recently, a casual chat with a family member and a friend made me recall some emotions that overwhelmed me at a foreign train station many years ago. The feeling that someone will leave you forever and that you will never get to meet him or her ever again would just bring tears to a person's cheek unknowingly. I guess bidding goodbyes always hurts for me. Occasionally, I would recall about the events that happened and every reminiscence of the past is a reminder that I should cherish the people around me more than I am now. Will our paths ever cross again?

There is always this one person whose images and touch will live in me forever and the thought of her departure someday never fails to send a chill down my spine and she is my grandmother. :)

31 things to say for a month - Day 2: A deserving athlete

Day 2: A regret in my life




I have always enjoyed playing sports and when I was younger, I used to participate in school Sports Meet, etc. However, as I was growing up, I realise that fun and competitive are two things that never come hand in hand. If I were to participate in a sports competitively, it would mean that a win or loss would matter a lot and having to ride through the roller coaster of my own emotions was something that I tried to escape since young after participating in Netball competitions in Primary school. 

In addition to that, I was also very ill-disciplined when it comes to training. When I was in Secondary 2, I joined the school netball team but I often cave in to tiredness during training. For one, I hate doing drills because I do not see how it can make me better as a netball player. Before I know it, the netball teacher-in-charge went on maternity and the netball team was officially declared expired. God gave me a second chance and I was invited to join the badminton team instead. However, I declined because I already had a CCA and I wanted to focus more on my studies. Nevertheless, the most important push factor was me being unwilling to endure the arduous training when the coach mentioned about having to do push-ups and sit-ups every training. 

When I entered the Polytechnic, I was determined to fulfill what I had always dream of but never had the chance to accomplish. I joined Ngee Ann's Netball team but I was unable to get into the competitive team in my first year due to a lack of vacancy for the position that I played in. I clearly was not good enough because I had the foundation (poor basic skills) and also match experience. Knowing that I was not in the competitive team, I slowly drifted into the backdrop of Ngee Ann's Netball team and eventually dropped out of the CCA. 

Upon entering university, even though I knew there were Inter-faculty games, I never stepped forward to volunteer my services. I did not have much friends when I first enter university and the lack of companionship was a push factor for me. Subsequently, even though I had a larger circle of friends, they were not people who were active in sports. So, I graduated without accomplishing anything that I had set out to do from Day 1. 

Now as I hang around kids who participate in competitive sports and watch them during games, I really envy them and would like to undergo the experience myself. I registered to represent MOE in an Inter-Ministry Netball game with my colleagues but 2 weeks before the game, I injured my knee and was forced to withdraw. Perhaps, I am just not destined to accomplish this. That kind of bonding that you can have with your teammates, to go through thick and thin, to encourage each other on the court and also chide each other when expectations are not met, it is something that definitely will stay with one for life. 

If I were given a time machine to time travel, I would really love to go back to my younger days and stick to one sport and train really hard and represent my school in it. Never mind the outcome of the game, it is the process that matters after all, isn't it? 

31 things to say for a month - Day 1: No longer an inspiring educator

Recently, I have been really lazy about blogging but I guess I would really like to note down the important things that have happened in my life at this stage because before I know it, I might be on the next phase of my life. This series of "31 things to say for a month" is inspired by another's person's blog and hopefully going through this will make me a more disciplined person considering how NUA I have been for the past 3 years. 

Day 1: A confession that you would like to make: I am no longer that inspiring educator I once was and I am kinda upset over it. 



I have been so caught up with my studies during the first half of this year that I have neglected my teaching. However, I have been reflecting upon myself for the past few weeks and I question why I am no longer who I used to be. 

As a beginning teacher, you have a whole list of things that you want to accomplish and for me, top on the list was to inspire a student or a few or several students if possible. When I was a student, someone came into my life and made me become a better person. I wanted to set out to complete what was left undone by that person. In my first two years of teaching, I never stopped trying. Be it a student was weak, had poor attitude, lazy, slow, etc., I was never stingy when it comes to helping. I committed my time, blood and effort into the job. I spent hours planning lessons, developing new pedagogies to deliver a lesson, marking and giving feedback and consultations. I stayed in school for more than 12 hours a day, sometimes twice a week, sometimes throughout the entire week. At the end of the day, as long as the student learned something, may not be academics, it was worthwhile to me. 

However, along the way, I lost sight of the kind of a teacher that I had set out to be. Perhaps it was my upbringing that mould me into such a teacher. I am very short-tempered and when students do not bother to try, I become frustrated. I started to believe that in order to bring about change in them, I had to be firm and fierce and scold them when the need arise and practised that. When I was in J2, although I deemed every student's final destination to be a local or good overseas university and my top most concern for every student under my charge was their 'A' level grade, I never forgot about delivering a holistic education. At the end of the day, I still feel that the path to success is not about being the best teacher, explaining concepts clearly and period. It is about constantly motivating them, showing them the path when they are lost, and be there for them when everyone else understood that it would be okay for them to fail. 

Eventually, for my first batch of graduating students, I did everything I could. I believed I changed some of their lives, I delivered the results that I ought to, and I am glad I manage to win the hearts of some of them. 

Then I started afresh this year. However, I started to feel grouchy and unmotivated due to monetary issues. People around me reinforced my belief that this batch of students really cannot make it (and I in a way did the exact same thing) and they are not worth me walking the extra mile. My tolerance for stupidity wore thin and I often found myself getting really annoyed with the nonsense that I have to get from a particular subject matter. My perspectives changed. Maybe it was because I know that I will not be following them to J2, maybe because I am burned out, maybe because I know I need not have to prove myself because I have already done so, maybe because... I do not know the reason. My belief became such that "I will not short-change the students' learning, not skip lessons, will teach to my utmost best, share with them my knowledge to the best but at the same time I will not tolerate nonsense. I demand the highest level of discipline from my students when it comes to doing their tutorials, coming to school punctually and staying focus during lessons. Reason for me doing all these, I want to help them build a good foundation in the shortest time possible yet I do not want to have to work my ass off as though I am in J2. Perhaps when it comes to education, efficiency can never lead to success. 

My belief that discipline, motivation, desire and hardwork are the ingredients to success in life in the longer term, not just at the 'A' levels never waver. The only thing that changed was I expected all of them to have all these attributes right from the start. I grew impatient when they gave me a piece of substandard work and convinced myself that if you want someone to improve, you cannot cut them any slack and ought to hold them to the highest standards.

But now as I sit here and type this post, I am starting to hate myself for behaving the way I did. 

Whatever happened to the youthful, inspiring, and energetic me 3 years ago when I begin this career? 
Whatever happened to patience, aligning my expectations, motivating students and befriending them outside of the classroom? 
Whatever happened to nurturing and moulding the next generation of kids instead of having prerequisites about what a JC kid should have? 

Of course some people will tell me I am not wrong and some people will tell me I can always make amendments right now and blah blah blah. At the end of the day, it is not about what others tell me. It is about the teacher I want to return to, remain or become. I used to find those teachers who complain about their students all the time as people who generate negative externalities (Linky one of them, lol!) and would probably want to avoid them to prevent myself from becoming like them. However, I seem to see that person in the mirror everyday lately. 

So recently, I am easily frustrated with school because not only do I have to tolerate illogical writing, I also have to manage my own emotions. I battle with my own set of values and morals and my responsibilities as an educator. Students these days clearly lack the discipline and attitude that they ought to have - but am I wrong to expect that from them? Students who come to school as and when they like it, students who give you a piece of work that has a flaw in every argument that he/ she puts across, students who talk at the back of the classroom, during civics, etc. while you are briefing them on important things on tests and exams, students who say "I don't know or I don't understand" even though you have explained that damn answer or question a million times and showed them multiple examples of how to do things, listening to students scolding vulgarities in the canteen, etc. Attitude - 0, Aptitude - 0. Should I be angry or should I just accept that our society has evolved? Gone are the hardworking, thrifty, appreciative, etc values of our forefathers and what our parents used to teach us. I can accept the fact that they are not that smart to be able to grasp the concepts after a few attempts but at least show your teachers that you are trying and a sense of urgency instead of just conveniently saying "I don't know or I don't understand". Ignorance is annoying. It really makes my blood boil whenever I hear those three words. 

I have been able to reflect upon myself because I have the opportunity to hang around a few new teachers in school. That burning passion for teaching and wanting to inspire lives kinda help to rekindle that dying flame in me. Someone caught me by surprise when he posed me the question, "Is teaching your passion?" and here I am making this confession.