When people talk about fears, I used to think about fear of rejection (for me), cats, being a loner e.g. going to movies alone, not having someone to lunch or have dinner with, snakes ... (dot dot dot). If what I listed was in descending order of fear, you have just learnt something new about me. Lol. However, a few years ago, when I thought about what I truly fear, I realised the above are instances of me being AFRAID of being judged by others or simply DISLIKING something. In addition, I no longer find it odd to dine alone (I see so many lonely people at the cafe all the time) though I would still not want to go to movies by myself.
So what is it that I am afraid of deep down at the bottom of my heart? It is growing old. I have always been an active person - enjoy playing sports, traveling, thrill rides, etc. I simply cannot stand myself being immobile.
Firstly, with old age, all the activities that I derive pleasure from will start to elude me, except mahjong, singing, watching football (but sometimes I do wonder if someday Man U goes downhill after ushering a new managerial era, will I still enjoy watching football?), sleeping and nua-ing.
Secondly, with old age comes death. I am not afraid of dying because the person who leaves this world no longer undergoes any sort of emotions, only leaving his or her loved ones in despair but I am afraid to face the death of my loved ones. The feeling of not being able to see someone for the rest of your life is heartbreaking for me, at least.
Thirdly, old age also brings along his best friends, illnesses. Imagine having to eat medicine on a daily basis and deprive yourself of all the gourmet. :( Being an unhealthy old woman is the last thing that I want honestly. Perhaps I should start eating green things. Lol.
Fourthly, regrets come with old age and your fears simply multiply. You fear that you will not be able to do this or that and end up regretting not doing something. You may also reminisce about the past and start to view issues from a "on hindsight" perspective and wish that you had done things differently but life has no U-turn and no one can do everything right at the first attempt. So, we just got to learn to deal with regrets.
However, growing old does have its benefits as well. You learn better how to control your temper, learn to be more loving, gain wisdom, learn to care less about how people judge you and also judge the world less because like what our beloved MM Lee said, you can no longer influence the world neither can the world influence you further. Sometimes, when you no longer care about something, you find inner peace. Maybe that is what people call nirvana. Will I attain it anytime soon?
Whatever stage of your life you are in, just remember no matter how big your accomplishments are thus far, how wealthy you are or would become, how smart or stupid you are, how popular you are as a person, how many relationships you were once in, how many friends you have, how many people truly love you or did not love you, blah blah blah, the moment we shut our eyes for eternity, we are all equal and identical, merely a corpse. But that does not mean we can do evil for before you close your eyes, you got to make right the wrongs that you have done.
On a closing note, I may seem brave at a lot of fronts but I guess I am just a scaredy cat like a lot of people around me whom I call so!
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