I am a little late this week as I was tied up with clearing work before I go on vacation and also getting ready for my return. How I feel right now is how I usually feel when I go on holidays. The period before embarking on a holiday is filled with anticipation and excitement. As the day nears, your happiness level reaches its peak. Once you are actually on your holiday, the happiness level actually declines and not increases further because it means once your holiday is over, you have to be back to face reality. I often feel this way because I look forward too much and forget to live in the moment at times. This completely reflects my current emotional state.
I have been searching the past 1 year for an answer. I found a solution, I got really excited and when I finally got what I want, I was elated for a few days. I then seem to fall into an abyss because I started to think about the new future, the change and started to reminisce about the good old times. There were countless sleepless nights in the last three nights, when I tossed about my bed and asked myself whether this decision was right? I made the choice eventually. Now as I have to embrace this new future, my anxiety gets to a whole new level, afraid that I will not be able to cope, afraid of having to start anew, after living in isolation for a year.
While lying on my bed, I thought about my childhood spent with my brother and cousin and the times I ran around in school, sometimes falling asleep in lectures, hanging out in the neighbourhood with my closest friends, talking about dreams and the future and hoping to grow up quickly. Now that I am all grown up, I actually wish I could go back to being a child or a teenager when life was so much simpler. All you wanted was to be able to play, eat, sleep and have fun. You did not have to care about the "future" and you could live in the moment, every single day. Indeed, there are no fairy tales in adulthood and you never know the ending of this life journey until you get there.
The next time I write, I would be in a different place and hopefully I will feel different emotionally.
