Hello 2026, Goodbye 2025.

I feel like not writing this annual reflection post means something is amissed. There were lots to reflect upon for 2025 and tomorrow is the start of a new work year for me, so I think this is a milestone to mark the beginning of a new year. Let's go!

2025 New Year Resolutions

1. Learn Python - this has been on my mind since 2023 but I never found the motivation to get going with it. Now I feel like I could use it in my work a lot more so I am going to get myself started!

I did start on this for the first 3 months of 2025 but things started to got busy with the new home to set up, work travel and new arrangements and I eventually stopped at "Hello World!" It was also a bit of feeling like coding should not be my priority, and wanted to spend more time on other skills at work. Let's park this for now. 

2. Learn swimming - this has been a resolution that I have pushed back from 2018 to 2023 and eventually striking it off. I feel like I should really get going. 

This is something that I did get going in the year, small steps but I shall push myself harder this year to accomplish it!

3. Empower others to be happy - it is so easy to say, "I want to be happy and do things that make myself happy" but when I look around me, I feel that there are too many unhappy souls and I really hope I would be able to do some things that actually make them happy too. 

I think I did try although it is hard to conclude if I succeeded. I am not sure if it is SG in general, or the people that I deal with everyday. I just find too many negative people around me or perhaps it is just human nature to see their own view points but not others. Life is really about perspectives and what you choose to focus on and the truth is everyone focuses on different things and mostly, they focus on themselves first. 

4. Snack less please! 

One of the most successful resolutions of 2025 - set a goal to lose 5kg during the year and achieved 4.5kg after 4 months. However, I started to travel and then that is when things get out of hand, especially when you are in NZ/US and Japan whereby food is double portions or simply too delicious.

5. Less time for gaming and READ MORE! I feel like I read too little these days. I should aim to read a book every month! 

Another poorly executed resolution, although I did try. I read 3 books for the entire year, and all 3 of them came in the beginning of the year. As the year progresses, things just got harder. 

On the whole, 2025 simply felt like a year whereby I seemed to have done loads of things but at the same time, I did not feel particularly excited and in fact, when I reflected upon it towards the end of the year, I felt that the year did not particularly well. Maybe it is due to the trajectory that my life is seemingly heading towards in the last quarter of the year that made me feel this way. I was a lot more excited in the first half of the year but now I feel lost about the future again. 

I finally struck NZ off my bucket list after 7 years. The first few days of the trip felt a little flat but Wanaka and Tekapo were amazing and I truly enjoyed the trip. I then headed to the US and it was another refreshing feeling. Perhaps it was due to the vast skies, clear skies or the people that I met, I feel that it always makes me feel excited. It has been 8 years since I left the US and had not been back. 

I also visited Hokkaido again, love the place and the food. It was a lot more tiring this time around and it was maybe because of the weather or much longer driving. It was much more sunnier than when I visited at the same time in 2014, but the kani, melon, kyoho grapes made it all worth the effort! 

I also visited Kinmen finally, 12 years late but I am so glad that I went. I heard so much about life back then for grandpa, even though I have never met him before. Great stories, selfless sacrifice, etc. and I was once again reminded that our grandparents and parents were all young once, and had their dreams that they would like to achieve but because they got married, they settled down, they had different goals and the sacrifices they made to sometimes help us to fulfill our dreams. Show them more kindness and appreciation. 

I ended the year with Okinawa, which I was supposed to visit in 2024, but decided against given the new loft. I think it is a really cool city that has everything - I had a mix of nice and bad weather but I always enjoy visiting Japan. Some days I wonder how Japanese people keep their cool. They are always polite and patient or perhaps it is because I do not speak their language so when you cannot communicate, you cannot get into an argument. LOL.

I learnt so many beatles and coldplay songs this year and felt like I finally found the rhythm towards english songs! 

I went back to playing tennis, which was not easy given I have stopped playing tennis altogether for almost 5 years. 

Going into 2026, I hope I can feel a little more excited and take a stock take of my resolutions throughout the year rather than at the end of the year. 

2026 Resolutions

1. Declutter - During Covid, I lived with very little but I was not any unhappier than I am right now. These days, we just have too much and still, we think it is not enough. Buying the latest gadget, buying more and more skin care products, wanting to try more and more types of food and cuisine, etc. - our desires are sometimes a bottomless pit. I figured out that the best way to not hoard is to not take it in the first place. Say NO to cute paper/plastic bags. Say NO to more new shoes and clothes. Start using everything that I have right now and stop thinking about saving it for future. All the xmas gifts from colleagues, friends and family. Some have been sitting there for 2 years but I never got down to using it. Whatever that can be consumed should be consumed and whatever that I have no use for - either do not buy it anymore or start throwing away existing ones. Don't think about having inventory of everyday use products for fear of running out. Just use a different product if it runs out! Try not to buy things just because they look cute. There will always be new designs and even cuter things in the future. Decluttering also means digitally - my computer and phone is forever low on storage because I keep too many things on the phone. Apps that I no longer use, tons of photos, chat history, etc. They should all be cleared. 

2. Say NO to addiction - Modern life is filled with gadget addiction - binge watching useless shorts on IG / YT, playing games, chatting about problems through instant messaging. That time needs to be deployed into more purposeful things - read, play sports, play the guitar etc. I do them throughout the year but these things are a lot less addictive than anything that has gotta do with the mobile phone! I think trying to read a book a month might be a bit too ambitious. Let's aim for 6 books a year! 

3. Sleep early and wake up early - I recall that when I went to Tasmania and NZ, I felt really refreshed after the trip because I was sleeping early everyday. There was nothing much to do in the evening given I do not party so I felt very well rested after these two trips. After Hokkaido and Taipei, I felt really tired returning from the trip. I was always sleeping late and waking up early which is not ideal. The source of me sleeping late is the usual addiction stuff which makes me feel really annoyed with myself so I have decided that I need to do something about this. Not helpful that I am writing this at 00:49. 

4. Learn swimming. I really need to give myself one hard push this year to achieve this!

5. Be positive and do not react to what others say or do - this is probably the hardest as we all have our own emotions and people around you just love pushing the trigger button, sometimes unknowingly and sometimes intentionally. Just know that when you disagree, it is all about perspective. I do not always have to make sure others see or hear my perspective. Be an active listener, perhaps that will help me to see others more positively, even if I think they are wrong - agree to disagree. 

Goodbye 2025, Hello 2026 although I am not quite ready for the first time in many years. 

2024, let's move on!

Another post to reflect on the year that has passed and having to take stock yearly of my own achievements, and the ups and downs of life is always a good habit! Let's go! 

2024 Resolutions

1. Buy a new loft - This has been on my mind since late 2021 and after 3 years, I am glad to say that I have finally done it!! It was really thanks to my boss who shared his insights about RE with me and also giving me the comfort/ confidence that I could take this bold step. After making the purchase, I was really excited about the prospect of having to do up my own home and eventually moving in. Hello, 2025 and my new home!

2. Snack less! - This has been much harder this year with me having an accomplice in the office who loves snacking as much as I do. Nevertheless, moving office has helped a lot. The urge to snack has lessensed I have to say. Let's keep going in 2025! 

3. Visit Tibet - Yes, finally made it to Tibet and EBC after so many years. Love the place! 

4. Practice the guitar more and get the electric guitar going!! Learn more songs this year as I only learnt 2-3 songs in 2023 - Not ideal but learnt 3 new songs during the year and it was thanks to a period where I had to stay home. 

5. Be happy - I think this is such an all-encompassing resolution as it permeates so many different aspects of my everyday life. I am optimistic person in general so I get back on my feet rather quickly when I am down. 

A lot happened during 2024 but one incident that hit me real hard was the medical incident that made me reflect upon life deeply. I come to the realisation that a human is like a machine too and our body can have short circuits and a loss of power any time if we overwork it or neglect its well-being without regular maintenance. That made me want to be more disciplined about who I am and also to live in the moment and not overthink about the future. 

In 2024, I also caught up with old friends a lot - the ones at UBS, GS, Master's friends, etc. Brought back lots of memories of the good old times and am glad that everyone is doing well! 

Fast forward to 2025, what would I like to achieve/strike off my bucket list? 

1. Learn Python - this has been on my mind since 2023 but I never found the motivation to get going with it. Now I feel like I could use it in my work a lot more so I am going to get myself started!

2. Learn swimming - this has been a resolution that I have pushed back from 2018 to 2023 and eventually striking it off. I feel like I should really get going. 

3. Empower others to be happy - it is so easy to say, "I want to be happy and do things that make myself happy" but when I look around me, I feel that there are too many unhappy souls and I really hope I would be able to do some things that actually make them happy too. 

4. Snack less please! 

5. Less time for gaming and READ MORE! I feel like I read too little these days. I should aim to read a book every month! 

There will be many more milestones as the year progresses but I need to constantly remind myself that I should achieve at least 1 milestone a month! 

Thank you, 2024! 2025, I am all ready. 

One post a year - 2024 bring it on!

It is unbelievable that 365 days has flown by and the only post that I wrote in 2023 was the one on the first day of the new year! Ever since coming home, I have been rather busy and haven't had the time to blog! It is the one day of the year when I looked back at the resolutions that I set out in the previous year and assess how far I have gone!   

2023 Resolutions

1. Go to Mayday Countdown concert in 2023 Didn't go to the countdown concert but went to the 2024 Noah's Ark Concert which is a replay of the 2012 concert in Jan 2024!

2. Take my guitar to the next level - exams, electric guitar! Bought my electric guitar in end 2023 and I will be embarking on my guitar electric guitar journey this 2024, first step completed!

3. Spend more time with my mom/grandma/family Have been playing mahjong with my grandma on a monthly basis and visiting her for dinner from time to time! I have also been able to spend more time with my family - having breakfast with my parents twice a month, dinner with my nieces, trips with my sister, badminton with my cousins, Genting trip with my cousins, monthly meals with Doggie and Rattie and monthly gatherings with my cuzzies

4. Keep up my exercise regime, eat more fruits and less snacks! Badminton twice a week, eating blueberries regularly but have not been able to cut down on snacks! This is definitely something that I need to work on

5. Learn swimming Why is this so difficult? LOL

6. Show more patience to my loved ones especially my nieces and be the guiding light for them - stay positive and remember the good of the people around me - 心想好意 口讲好话 手做好事 脚行好路

7. Play less games, watch less YT (OMG! the amount of time I spent on YT is scary!)

8. Go on a trip with my nieces/ family (2022 going into 2023) Am glad we went to Japan together, then Korea with parents+sis, Desaru with nieces and bro/SIL and Genting with Cuzzies! Vietnam next year! 

I moved to a new job in 2023, had lots of uncertainties when I started and was not sure if I made the right decision. However, when I looked back, it was the best decision that I made! Banking was great, made me a very meticulous person, polished and ready for the corporate but the lifestyle was taking a toll on me and I felt fatigue honestly. I needed a change, needed a spark and to continue learning! 

2023 surprised me in a lot more different ways or rather I surpised myself:

• I visited Dubai back in Feb 2023 when I was on garden leave, such a nice feeling to see old friends, play badminton with them again and watch another live badminton competition and most importantly, visited Expo 2020! It was the most talked about event during my time living in Dubai 
• I got to see cherry blossoms again; in Japan then in Korea and it was so beautiful!
• Finger pick a full mayday song: 为你写下这首情歌, it was not easy but I did it after 2 months of learning and every time I saw the guitar between my travels
• Took a first class flight for the first time!
• Struck Uzbekistan, Tasmania and Seychelles off my bucket list! Seychelles was a place that I had always wanted to visit during my time in Dubai but never did it and I am glad I finally went. Tasmania was a destination that has been on my mind for a long time but I never went about making a plan, only that I was hoping to visit by 2024 and I am glad I did it towards the end of 2023 and counting down into 2024. Climbing Cradle Mountain was a challenge and I am glad I persevere and did it! Lastly, visiting Uzbekistan and appreciating the beauty of Central Asia was definitely amazing as well... Got to catch up with an old friend and reminisce about the times during our Masters
• Chairing the Alumni Network of my Masters programme: the Masters might not have been a game changer in terms of my career or academic achievements, but it definitely brought me a new perspective and enabled me to meet friends of different cultures and many of whom shaped my values and beliefs since. I reconnected with old friends - Serhiy, Tom, NM, Stepan, etc. Although I have always been in contact with Tom and NM on and off, I spoke with Tom again over VC for the first time and saw his face after 7 years. I do not know how to describe that feeling but I am really glad I found a friend in him. As for Serhiy, the hospitality that he showed me during my time in UA was unforgettable and for that, I am always thankful! 

In my new role, I constantly assessed myself and asked what do I hope to achieve in the next stage of my career. I need to move beyond sitting behind a computer and keeping silent. In my 8th month of work, my boss told me something that really boosted my confidence and made me realised who I am truly - I know how to take risks and be different. Going into 2022, I told myself I need to be back to the business of risk taking and am really glad someone saw that attribute in me and that was the reason I landed that job. I started more networking, speaking up more during meetings, etc. which is not something that I am shy of in the first place, just that 6 years in banking kinda silenced me. 

Going into 2024, I think there are new feats to be achieved: 

1. Buy a new loft - I have been on the search in 2023 but the general economic and market environment made it difficult for me to commit financially. The thought of having to give up 5% of short term interest in a peak housing market just made the transaction seem illogical. However, I have plans for 2024 and I need to commit
2. Snack less! 
3. Visit Tibet - it has also been a destination on my bucket list for a long time and it is time to get down to action
4. Practice the guitar more and get the electric guitar going!! Learn more songs this year as I only learnt 2-3 songs in 2023
5. Be happy

There will be more milestones as I will constantly evaluate myself throughout the year. 

The one post that I will write every year!

Unknowingly, a year has past again and it is time to look back on these 365 days and ask myself, "What have I achieved?"

I am most proud of myself this year because I managed to strike off majority of my resolutions and #1 is definitely beyond my control. As for learning to swim, I really need to set my mind to doing it at some point next year! 2022 was a year that I told myself that I need to be brave again and back to taking risks and step out of my comfort zone. Although I do not read my resolutions every now and then, somehow when I do write them down, sub-consciously, I will set my mind to achieving it. I started taking risks by returning to playing badminton, restarting my globetrotting adventures and also made one of the toughest decisions to return (home)! I know my entire family is extremely happy and supportive of this move and it has been one of the most difficult decisions for me, as I am so used to living abroad and having to adapt to a tiny island again is no easy feat. However, time is running out for some of the most precious people of mine and I feel I need to grab hold of whatever that is left to create perhaps the last memories. Furthermore, I miss my nieces so much, and really hope to be there for them in every step possible as they grow up. I guess this is also considered to be part of my resolution to be brave again and take risks again. 

In terms of my lifestyle, I am so proud and happy of myself at the same time that I started biking to work daily. That 30 minutes is my daily exercise, refreshes my mind and makes me a lot more energetic at work! In terms of being more jovial and less serious, I set out to achieve that and I joke a lot more with my colleagues and like that working environment a lot more :) 

2022 Resolutions

1. Visit Russia Highly unlikely even for the next 1 year Will have to try in 2024 maybe?

2. Go on a family trip with my nieces (C, A, N) though this is probably beyond my control Highly unlikely even for the next 1 year Heading to Japan/Taiwan next year!

3. Be brave / risk-taking Went back to playing badminton full time, started travelling again and let myself be exposed to C, but am glad I regained my pre-C lifestyle!

4. Buy my own loft and figure out my next step Will be in progress in 2023 too!

5. Be back on the road travelling (hopefully) Svalbard, Arctic, Greenland, Sicily, Lake Como/Lake Orta!

6. Continue to be jovial / less serious

7. Learn swimming? One of the most challenging resolutions that I have failed to achieve time and again

8. Improve my lifestyle a bit - sleep earlier, snack less and exercise more! Biking to work for a year!

What awaits me in 2023 and what goals do I have for myself?

I think I am set to buy my own loft and I need to actively look! As I was writing my reflections on Moments/IG, I realised that I am now at a stage in life whereby I feel that I have achieved all that I set out to achieve when I left teaching. I wanted to carve out a career for my own and I have been ploughing all these whiles. I am now living in comfort and enjoying the fruits of my labour, but at the same time, I constantly remind myself that I cannot be complacent and slack. I will always have to keep a sharp mind, constantly upgrade and improve myself and hope to be more entrepreneurial. 

This is not the first time that I am writing about music and Mayday's songs, however as I look back on the past 20+ years of listening to their music, their music has really given me so much motivation and perhaps I really will not be who I am without their music. 

It started with 疯狂世界 when you feel like you want to run away from all the hustle and bustle of life, given my family background and all the struggles that we had to go through as a kid and in our teenage years. One thing that I really am thankful/grateful to my mom is, although we were not well-off, my mom tried her best to make us feel loved and that we could afford what we needed (though not wanted). Every year, she bought us new textbooks, new shoes, new clothes and we never had to do any household chores - laundry, ironing, cleaning, cooking, etc. She gave all her salary to us as our living expenses. When I look back at my weekly pocket allowance, it really was not massive but at the same time, it was comfortable for one to eat and go out occasionally. However, that meant a lot to my mom. My mom has been frugal all her life so even though the toughest days are behind us, this frugality is engraved and she will never be luxurious. 

The song that turned me into a mayday fan was 人生海海, it talks about challenging your fate and daring yourself to be different: “手上有一个硬币 反面就决定放弃 但是啊在我心底 却完完全全不想放弃”... It was a constant source of motivation for me that I have to be in control of my feelings and decide my own fate! 

With that came 咸鱼 and that song was most inspirational for me during my polytechnic days when I had to decide my next step after graduation, and transition to university. Life is full of struggles, not just academically, but also your broader life goals, relationships, etc. and 倔强: “ 你说被火烧过才能出现凤凰” and 超人：“如果你能开心 展开披风 带你飞行/ 为什么我能飞天 也能够遁地 为什么我却没办法长驱直入你的心/ 谁要这样超人 连自己也救不起” were two of my favourite Mayday classics. It taught me that life is not a bed of roses and the importance of perseverance, and even Superman with all his super powers has his own struggles. 

By 2005, I became a Mayday fan and after my first concert in 2007, I became a die-hard fan! I liked the two albums that they released thereafter - 天使 and 后青春的诗, there were many amazing melodies in those two albums but it was the 2012 album that somewhat steered my life in a different direction. 

第二人生： “期待一趟旅程精彩万分 你却还在等 / 生命不是过程 而是美丽旅程 风景有亮和暗 / 如果命运注定你的诞生 如果末日始终没有发生 不要等到来生 让此时此刻能不虚此生” / 三个傻瓜：“世界如果平的 为何人们都要往上爬 活着不是赢家 就是输家 你敢输掉吗？” - At that point, I was growing a lot of disdain of my life and I really wanted to step out of SG and become a global citizen, but I did not know how? I think I am one of the three idiots. I studied hard, got my 1st and then worked hard, trying to carve out a good first career but I asked myself - am I truly happy? Is this the kind of life that I really want? If I wanted a 2nd life after my bond ends, I need to actively pursue it and not simply wait and hope for a miracle that I will suddenly LOVE my life/job. I started CFA in 2013, went through 2.5 years of completing the examinations and my preparation for my Masters. I tried my best to actively change the course of my life! 

Ups and downs and in 2016 after I embarked on my second life journey on my Masters, I had to decide where to go next? All the times that I sat at Brooklyn bridge, at the gym, it was always 顽固 / 终于结束的起点 / 如果我们不曾相遇 / 勇敢 - the strength that I drew from these songs were immense whenever I questioned myself, my own decisions and felt lost about the future. I would not have been where I am today if not for these songs I am sure! 

By the time I got to Dubai and started working full time, 最好的一天 became a regular on my playlist. I listed to that song a lot on my daily walks to the office because it was a constant reminder for me that you have to make everyday the best day of your life. As long as you are alive, healthy and kicking, you need to be thankful for what you have. That song also made me learnt to live life to the fullest and live each day as the best day of my life, whether it was a good or bad day so that when I look back some day, it will be so difficult to choose the best day of my life because I have lived my life to the fullest every single day!  

Mayday has been a part of my life since I was 14/15 and I know it will always be a part of my life. Lil Sis went to their new year eve concert last night and it struck me that maybe I should go too next year, spend 2-3 hours listening to the music that has kept me going all these whiles. 懂的人会懂 - we only live once and the music that they produce is truly amazing. 

Setting my new year resolutions in 2023: 

1. Go to Mayday Countdown concert in 2023

2. Take my guitar to the next level - exams, electric guitar! 

3. Spend more time with my mom/grandma/family

4. Keep up my exercise regime, eat more fruits and less snacks!

5. Learn swimming

6. Show more patience to my loved ones especially my nieces and be the guiding light for them - stay positive and remember the good of the people around me - 心想好意 口讲好话 手做好事 脚行好路

7. Play less games, watch less YT (OMG! the amount of time I spent on YT is scary!)

Of course there is still a lot that I have to write about, however, it is time to play some guitar/sleep. 2023, Fighting!

You are your own limit

I have been diligently keeping to my one post every fortnight since November and being in isolation does help. It frees up time for me to do things that I would not be doing otherwise. Imagine a typical long day at work, consuming my brain cells for 14 hours and after work, I simply want to relax and play some games or scroll through social media. Now, I can spend 2-3 hours a day on the piano or the guitar. 

This topic that I would like to write about came to mind this very morning although I constantly discuss about these issues with my sister on what we can potentially achieve in life or how far one can go in life. Some people feel that one's achievements in life is highly influenced by their family background i.e. resources while others believe that they can create their own future? Do you believe in fate or destiny? Do you have a head start in life compared to others such that when you are struggling to learn in school, your parents can afford to get you external help and support? Do your parents have the right networks for you to leverage on as you age? I have always been more on the side of capitalism and hence, erred on the side of a free market mechanism for the economy to function and chose it as the way of life. The downside of capitalism is that resource rich entities tend to have a higher starting ground and might lead to wider income inequality and the wealthy ones get to perpetuate their dominance. 

What then would allow one to break out of poverty? Can one really break away from their family background? Resources - either you are born a genius (super smart) or you have resources / networks to get you to where you are. You might have higher cognitive ability such that you can handle more complex tasks, think more deeply into issues and find opportunities in the real world to differentiate yourself and break out of the vicious cycle that your family could be in. It is not uncommon for you to see families of doctors, lawyers i.e. children and grandchildren who take after their parents or grandparents and makes you wonder - if I am born poor, does it mean that I will always be poor or middle income? I ponder over this topic for years, while in my previous job and also today. My conclusion is that "You are your own biggest enemy". 

More often than not, I feel that it has to do with the expectations that you set for yourself in life and whether you believe in what you can achieve. Do not blame it on your parents: Having come across parents of different extremes; some who want their kids to reach for the skies and some who only expect their children to get by in life, be happy and comfortable. No doubt your parents can have a huge impact on what you set out to achieve - if your parents are professionals like doctors, lawyers, bankers, etc. would you then endeavour to emulate them? What if your parents are entrepreneurs - would you then not be able to become a doctor or an engineer? A child does not know what to expect in life - he or she emulates his /her parents' behaviour and at a young age, adopts parental guidance. I feel that as a parent, do not belittle your child; help them build confidence but at the same time, do not be overly demanding as it can create too much stress. However, I also come to realise that life is meant to be stressful. With great power comes great responsibility. If you want to become someone powerful, someone who commands, then it means you have to shoulder huge responsibilities. The ability to handle stress and withstand pressure is a daily affair for high performers. Do not be envious of someone in a powerful position because you do not know what stress he goes through everyday. No one can be ordinary and powerful. Every word that you utter gets put into different context when you become someone powerful. I feel that I have been treading this line very carefully. I believe that I can achieve in life hence I pushed myself hard for a long period of time. When I finally got to somewhere far in life, I start to belittle myself and feel inferior to some others. For 2021, it is time for a change and I am going to try to challenge myself to scale greater heights. 

My thoughts are reflected off my surroundings. Seeing some parents pushing their children really hard and putting them through a lot of stress - I asked myself: is that right or wrong? Will the kid really feel stressed out or will he simply see it as a daily routine to go through countless enrichment classes and homework to become smarter and better than others? Does hard work always translate into results? Will the kid have a nervous breakdown? Should we then not push a child too hard? I seem to have lost my bearings on what is the right direction? I was having a conversation with a friend working in China and this came to mind - the Chinese are investing into the future generation. Many of my Chinese friends are multi-talented - they take music classes, sports training, art, dance, etc. and their parents invest into cultivating their minds from a young age. They also excel in their studies and are extremely intelligent. Will they grow up to be more successful than the others who do not have similar exposure? I feel that if their parents did not try to mould them, their future is equivalent to tossing a coin - can be good or bad. However, when their parents try to invest in their future, they are trying to turn the odds in their child's favour. I then wonder about my own country. I feel that the average SG-ean is smart because of our rigorous education system but being book smart is different from being street smart. Life is a long journey and a lot of lessons simply cannot be picked up from books. You need to meet people, interact and keep learning throughout life. I once read an article about how we excel as a nation and is known to have one of the best education systems in the world - but why then have we not produce a single Noble Prize winner? Being smart and being creative are too different things. I hope I can lean onto the latter more some days. 

Lastly, I would like to touch on the topic of resource curse. Many poor nations that we observe today are experiencing what we call a resource curse whereby because they are blessed with resources, they do not see the need to work as hard as others who do not have the same privileges. Sometimes I see it in some of my smartest and richest friends. They are really smart but they are leading a very ordinary life and I do not belittle this ordinary life but I feel like they have not realised their full potential. I can attribute it to a few reasons: 1. Fear of failure - because they are smart, they are more afraid of failing because they do not want to be judged by others. 2. Taking shortcuts - they do not feel the need to work as hard because they feel that they would achieve the same results as someone who is less smart with half the effort. Over time, it becomes a habit to take shortcuts but if you are forever taking short cuts in life, you cannot go too far either because some roads are meant to be long and arduous and you just have to go through the grit. 3. They are more easily contented with what they have because they can achieve things so easily when they are smart. It is tiring to keep trying to get to new heights - you have to constantly fight and get better. 4. They stay in their comfort zone too much. Some of my richest friends live in comfort. They can afford everything and anything that they want that they do not feel the need to fight for something. 

The purpose of me writing this post is to remind myself all of the above: 

1. You are your own biggest enemy and the limit to your own achievements. If you set out doing something with the mindset that you will fail, then you will definitely fail. 

2. You are what you practise everyday. If you spend your time lying around and not doing anything, you will become the best lazy bum in the world. If you want to achieve something, keep doing it. 

3. Persevere - when I started playing the guitar, I felt like I could never be able to play a bar chord. It just looks impossible to me. I can now play the F-bar chord. It took me a long time but I am now able to do it at least. I will never become a pro because I am too old and my muscles are less conditioned than guitarists who start learning at a young age but at least I can play it now

4. Be happy - we strive so hard in life in pursuit of happiness, right? We climb the corporate ladder, we try to make more money, we try to become a better person because we think that will bring us happiness. what if the road to achieving all of these is an unhappy one? Should we then continue or give up? It is a tough call to make here. So many a times, I had wanted to throw in the towel doing this job but why am I still here? 

Something for a change

Trying to keep to my one post every fortnight...

I must say that work has been extremely busy these days that I am spending my free time chilling and catching up on my sleep whenever I can. My topic for discussion is "Change" - the only constant in our ever changing world I guess. 

People seek a change for a better or worse? More often than not, we do not what to expect when we leave our current status quo. I have always embraced change more readily than I expected and it has to be attributed to my childhood experiences. At the age of 10, I moved to a new school and had to adapt to a brand new environment - everyone in the class had their own cliques and as a transferee, I had to learn to fit into the different groups. Although I was too young to understand anything at that time, when I looked back at those times, I could understand my own fears and lack of confidence back then. Fortunately, I met people who extended a helping hand - Sam who brought me into choir, Charlotte who helped me so much and was my best friend in the school, had two odd but also kind-hearted neighbours sitting within my group - CP, WM, AZ, ZB. I failed to leave up to expectations early in life and despite being in the best class in the school, I went to a "neighbourhood" school and was the only one from my class who went to that school, when all my classmates went to top schools. That motivated me to strive and work hard in secondary school and also shaped my future endeavours and work attitude. You can be smart but you still need to be diligent to consistently perform in life. 

Then came the transition into pre-university. Though I did decently well to get into a JC, I chose a polytechnic and had to face a brand new environment alone once again. This did not stop even when I moved from the polytechnic to University and the first 20 years of my life had been all about facing the "music" all alone each and every time. It made me a stronger and highly adaptable person because I had to be more outgoing to meet new strangers while others had their own "comfort zone" of friends to navigate their freshmen years with them. As a result, I made many cliques of friends growing up though not all stayed in touch with me subsequently. However, some days, I do wonder if my life would have been much different had I chosen similar paths as my classmates at the different junctures in life and had a comfort zone which I could stay within? Would I be more resistant towards change as an adult and chose certainty over uncertainty in the next 10 years to come after university? 

This behaviour of having to adapt to change did not stop even as a working adult. I chose to leave my first career and further my studies, travel around the world to work and study and more often than not, I was always ALONE. The first few weeks or months of being in a foreign country or city was always painful, I have to say. Having to navigate a new city, figure out the way of life, culture, and trying to settle in and looking for a place to live in were filled with challenges but that did not deter me from constantly changing my lifestyle and career pursuits. In the last one year, I found myself stagnant and finally not changing. Being in the same team and same job and doing the same things throughout the last entire year. Everything was sucked out of my life - friends, hobbies i.e. badminton, sports, travel, etc. and all that I am left with in the last 1 year was basically getting out of bed, switching on the computer and started working then eat, shower, workout a little, play some games, watch some entertainment and back to sleep. I must say that it was quite interesting and enjoyable for the first few months when I finally could realise my dream of working from home but as time goes, it started to get really dreadful. You feel like you are an "outsourced" worker and people will send you emails and call you to get something done and if they needed nothing from you, you will not hear from them. It can be quite scary and you start to ponder upon your value in the team / firm, etc. You start to lose motivation as well because you do not see what others are doing and all you see is yourself buried under a pile of work. Work from home was supposed to be a "change for the better" in my mind whereby you have more work life balance since you no longer have to Facetime in the office but it seems to turn out otherwise. It has become so convenient for you to log on remotely so you are also expected to deliver much quicker as so long as you are not the one making the changes, every change is a "quick" one and should not take too much time! HAHA!

I once saw a quote - "You have to let go of the past in order to move forward". The burden of the "past" is what makes people reluctant to change. Regardless that the past is a heavy burden, uncertainty of the future after making a change is perceived as a BIGGER burden than the current one. This is what makes people stay at in comfort zone for as long as they can and not take the step forward. These days, I feel the same way too. I am comfortable where I am right now, should I change? What change should I be going for and will the change result in me becoming better than what I am today or where I am today? The older you get, the heavier the burden of the past, likewise is the perceived burden of change. That is why there is a saying that one bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. 

For me, I am comfortable in my current job. I know the floor well and know the processes and systems well. Why make a change? I will not be the best but I am definitely not the worst. 

For me, I am comfortable where I am living now even though there is no good heating and it is freezing during winter. I feel that I have my own privacy and my flatmate leaves me alone when I do not want to interact with her as I have experiences of flatmates who are so desperate to find someone to talk to all the time and bug you all the time. It is a distance from my office and it would be good / better if I find a place nearer to my office, with heating and also perhaps by the Thames with better view. 

For me, I am comfortable bunkering down in London until the situation gets better but I really want to go home too. I want to be able to walk the streets again without fear, go back to badminton/ sports and meet my family and friends in real life. If I were to just take the plunge and fly back to SG, I would then be able to have a more "normal" lifestyle but I just cannot pull myself out of my current comfort zone. 

It is 2021, time for a change, really. 

A post a month - marriage

I am a little late with keeping to my "One post every fortnight" resolution. There are a few topics that I would like to write about but some days, I just get lazy and those topics slip my mind soon after. Today, I shall write about a rather sacred topic - Marriage. 

I believe I have written about this previously but having written over a 1,000 posts in the last 13 years, I find it difficult to locate my old post. I guess I have gone past the age of "marriage" compared to the last time I wrote about it but I doubt my mindset has changed. I have more questions than answers towards Marriage at least. 

When people used to go for blind dates and arranged marriage, they stay together forever. These days, people have the freedom to pursue love yet they end up in a divorce. (1) Why is that so? That brings me to the million-dollar question - (2) what does Marriage mean to you? Some people marry for love, others do it for companionship, then you have those who do it out of responsibility, and a bunch who do it for the lineage and not forgetting those who see it as part of life's journey. 

Whatever your reason for marriage, (3) what would be the real reason why you stay in that marriage? You are really happy in your marriage, you love your spouse, you stay together because of the kids though there is no love anymore, you are afraid of being judged if you were to divorce, you have no financial ability to live alone, you are afraid of loneliness, or you are trying to stay true to your vows. 

Life is a long journey and assuming that you get married at between 25-30, you will actually spend half of your lifetime with your spouse. You have to tolerate each other's whims and fancies and shoulder the responsibility of a family together. Along the way, you get into fights and disagreements, learn to tolerate each other's quirks but out of marriage, you get someone to lean on when you are down and have someone to share your happiness with. You gain some and you lose some in a marriage and like tossing a coin, the odds that you will be happy is 50% and the odds that you will be unhappy is 50%. (4) Why then do some people not cherish what they have in a marriage and end up in a divorce? Some were subjected to abuse, some want out because they no longer feel any love towards each other to the extent that they actually hate each other, another might have found new love elsewhere. (5) Is it so hard to stay faithful to one person? (6) Why is it that the majority of the developed countries does not allow polygamy - one husband, many wives or one wife, many husbands? (7) What downsides would there be if this was a free-for-all society? 

Every girl dreams about marriage at some point in their lives, (8) why is then there an increasing trend of women staying single nowadays? (9) Why are people getting married at an older age? (10) What is the reason why you are still single? (11) Why do we need to get married? 

All these questions race through my mind all the time and even sometimes in my conversations with others. We live in such a different world today whereby we are constantly exposed to new technologies, new people, new lifestyles, a new environment. We get bored so easily when our lives become repetitive and hence we desire new challenges, fresh ideas and perspectives all the time. The bottom line is that we face temptations that make us overstep our supposed boundaries - an attractive man / woman comes along and we start to make comparisons between our current spouse and this "new" companion. The common dreams/ aspirations that a couple faces change over time. A couple bickers over the daily grind of life - the finances, the lifestyle, the poor living habits, the kids' education, the house, the car, the holidays, the meals, the grouses etc. 

(12) Do you still believe in happiness and an everlasting marriage? 

Goodbye 2020, you were not so welcome anyway

Last post of the year, here we go! 

This has been an extremely odd year, not just for me but for everyone, given Covid. Our usual way of life was transformed completely, things that we used to take for granted has now become an essential e.g. masks, washing our hands, spending time with our family and friends such as having a simple meal together, holding hands, giving hugs, soap, clean water etc. and things that we used to covet have become so useless while in quarantine and staying home e.g. branded clothes and shoes, cars, etc. There is so much to write as so many thoughts were flashing through my mind in the last 48-72h, however I am a bit loss for words now that I am right here typing. 

I shall start off with my reflections. As I looked back at this year and the new year resolutions that I set for myself:

1. Master one song on the guitar - preferably Mayday's song  拥抱，知足

2. Visit Russia Highly unlikely even for the next 1 year

3. Go on a family trip with my nieces (C, A) though this is probably beyond my control Highly unlikely even for the next 1 year

4. Live a healthier lifestyle - sleep earlier, more fruits (twice per week?) / vegetables, less chocolates and sweets, cutting away my snacking behaviour of eating chocolates everyday HAHAHA! I thought I did well during the first lockdown, not eating chocolates for 3 weeks in a row but it did not last long before I went back to my old ways. However, I did eat more fruits - blueberries/ apples weekly

5. Figure out my next step for this new decade - where next? what next? I guess my next step is still my current step but have a bit more direction

6. Look beyond others' judgment and live life / deal with work such that I am not subjected to anyone's whims and fancies

7. I hope my skin condition (face) improves - have been plagued by this acne problem ever since I left Singapore and sometimes I do not even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore :( Improved a lot during the first lockdown but back to the same old issue again in the last few months. I think it is mainly caused by stress and my snacking habit. When I was extremely occupied with work during Aug and Oct, that was when outbreaks became more common

Well, I did strike off quite a few items on the list so I am glad. I picked up new skills as well and now can play the keyboard a bit. :) I made loads of progress on the guitar I must say, having learnt at least 10 songs now. My biggest companion in lockdown was the guitar and keyboard. What else?

One thing that I would like to talk about is routines - As I spent the last 9 months at home, I had plenty of opportunities to build up routines however, I realise that it is really tough. During the first lockdown, my routine revolved around making my own meals, playing the guitar for at least 30-45minutes each day, doing some stretching exercises daily. It was relatively easy to maintain and after my one-week break, I started to incorporate swinging the badminton racquet daily so I do not lose my skills, starting to play the keyboard (sometimes could play for 1-2 hours), re-learning Spanish again and taking online courses on politics, finance, music theory etc. It got too much for me in July /August when work was not just buy but overwhelming. I had to drop some of my KPIs haha! By the Sep break, I did none of the above on a daily basis. Instead, I did whatever I could during my spare time. After the Sep break, I started to do home workout exercises every other day or every 3 days (maximum) but I dropped Spanish lessons. Throughout these 9 months, it made me realised that it is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to keep up with having routines. I really salute people who can keep a daily routine for years because we all have days when we feel lazy and want to just lie in bed and not do anything. Going forward, I hope life regains some normalcy in 2021 and I can get back into my routine of playing badminton at least once a week ^_^

This then brings me to the next topic: bingeing on dramas. I prefer watching variety shows rather than dramas because once I start on a drama, I cannot stop. I will load one episode after another and before I know it, I finish a 50 episodes drama in like 2 days, watching it day and night. In those 2 days, I will drop all my routines and not play the guitar nor keyboard or even eat proper meals LOL. I will just snug under my covers with my curtains drawn and let day and night pass me by. I do not really enjoy such a lifestyle because I feel as though my life is being drained away. I would have a sense of guilt/ remorse for bingeing on dramas. Hence, I am hesitant to watch too many dramas. However, variety shows have a stipulated stop typically 12 episodes and there is not so much of a push to have to load the next episode when one ends as they are not linked.

I perhaps need not emphasise on the things that I miss this year: Badminton, Sports, Travel, seeing my family and friends for I have not been home the entire year, not taken a single flight the entire year and I have pretty much been living in isolation. T_T I feel like I am Tom Hanks in Castaway sometimes, albeit without Wilson and the beard. Wilson is probably my guitar. The good thing is I do not feel like I am entirely cut off from the world or my family because of Facetime. I get to call my nieces 2-3 times a week and seeing their happy faces cheers me up. 

This was also a particularly difficult year when it comes to making decisions. I had wanted to go home on 3 different occasions and time and again, I did not. I just felt that I could wait a little while more and that the pandemic will be over, there will be less risks involved, etc. but unfortunately, hitherto, that day has not arrived. Simple decisions like buying some clothes, buying some household items, buying gifts for my nieces/nephews, etc. can also trouble me for days because I wonder if I have any use for them e.g. if I were to return home, when would I be able to return to the office, etc. I hate it this way because I am usually a very decisive person and once I decide on something, I almost never change my minds yet I see myself taking a U-turn multiple times this year. 

I have become more risk averse as I age as well. I was someone who packed my bags and went to Vietnam for 21 days without a planned itinerary and went to anywhere that I liked. Where is the girl who braced all odds to travel solo for 3 weeks in Europe and Morocco? I pulled the plug on an amazing career and path and went unemployed for 9 months and travelled for almost 6 months after. I still vividly remember the butterflies in my stomach when I left home 5 years ago and embark on a brand new journey to study in Europe and LATAM and then did a 25-day trip in Peru, hopping from one unknown city to another just to realise my dream of visiting Machu Picchu one day. I can never forget the sounds and sights during my 2-month travel in South America. I moved to New York without a job to do a free internship just to live my American dream. No one knows how many times I sat near Brooklyn and Manhattan bridge listening to Mayday and JJ Lin songs and questioning myself whether I will ever find my next step in life? Then came the descend into the most questionable place on earth, Middle East, doing a mid-career switch into one of the most competitive and notorious modern industry. When I look back at my life thus far, I can no longer figure out what gave me the motivation or courage to overcome my fears to face the uncertainty when I made all those decisions? During one of my interviews, I told the interviewer. All my life, I have been choosing uncertainty when I faced certainty. This is the one time that I want to choose certainty over uncertainty. Now, I would be hesitant to quit my job, no matter how many times I had the resignation letter typed. Now, I cannot even convince myself to travel to anywhere in Europe no matter how close I am. Now, do I still even dream? If I do dream, what do I dream about then? This is the one thing that I dislike about my life right now if you ask me - I no longer dream. I no longer have a "dream" destination, "dream" job, "dream" city to live in, a real "dream" that would make me want to go all out and against all odds to work for. I will play the guitar and keyboard when I want to, I will travel when I am allowed to, I will move to another city/ country to work if the opportunity arises. I am simply waiting for things to happen, for opportunities to knock rather than actively pursuing it. Perhaps it is momentary because of C but who knows? Your dreams will fuel you, so never never lose your dreams. 

Some people tell me perhaps aiming to buy your own home could push you - not really as although I do envy people who have their own nice cosy loft, I desire to be a global citizen with the seven seas as my home. Buying a nice big house with a mortgage will only keep me locked in like a cage. How about starting a family? That is even scarier. I love kids to be honest but I cannot imagine being tied down by a kid for the next 20 years of my life. It is not about the physical responsibilities of feeding, changing diapers, etc. but the education, upbringing, and associated worries that come with it - whether the child is healthy, whether the child will grow up to become an upright person, etc.

I am a strong believer of "no pain, no gain". Everything in life has to be traded. Nothing comes for free. People trade in their freedom to gain companionship - a spouse and child(ren). People trade in their time for status - a C-suite personnel having to look at emails all time, sacrificing time with their family, sacrificing their hair and brain cells for their position. People trade in their privacy and self-worth to become celebrities - taking in people's abusive remarks and criticisms. People trade in their own lives to save other lives - a medical professional in a pandemic. People trade in their innocence to grow up. There are so many more examples, and there is simply no right or wrong. It is all about perspective and what you are after in life. What did I trade in for my profession? 

Someone once told me that I was innocent and naive (in a good way) when I was 18. I let my feelings dictate my decisions. When you get older, your decisions tend to be more thought-out because your feelings will not be your sole consideration. I did not understand what that meant at that time. Now that I am all grown-up, I am thankful that I once received these words of wisdom. I am a very "young at heart" person, known as a chatterbox in my younger days, enjoys cracking jokes, etc. but as I age, I feel that I have to behave more maturely and considerate towards others. I joke less because I am not sure if my unintended words would hurt my recipient. I dare not speak my mind because I feel it is unnecessary - you should never have to waste time trying to convince someone. If you do, it means you share different POV and having differences is what makes us similar. I become quieter as I respect privacy, differences, etc. To a certain extent, some of my friends/colleagues tell me that I am too tense and serious at times or that they think that I am a shy person. In my heart, I tell myself that these people who make such comments about me do not know the real me. I used to be labeled as opinionated, outspoken, outgoing and bubbly back in school. I guess this is all part and parcel of growing up but I do reminisce about the past from time to time; times when I could be who I am freely, not having to care about how others will judge me or if my actions would hurt anyone. No one has the ability to remain a child all their life so we have to accept what comes our way. Perhaps it is not that they do not know me but that I have changed. I am no longer the me when I was 18/20/22. Whether it is the old me or the new me, I have to live with it. 

With that, I sign off my last post of 2020 with my resolutions for next year:

1. Learn swimming

2. Return to tennis

3. Be happy - be less serious, joke more and relive a little bit of my 18th year old year

When I was young, I wanted to be extraordinary. I want to be different; break out of the mould of having a good education, good job, good family, beautiful house in my home country, hence I left home. Today, on the last day of the year, I saw a saying that actually stirred up some emotions in me - 这一生志愿平凡快乐，谁说这样不伟大呢？In English, it means "Who says an ambition cannot be as simple as living an ordinary and happy life?" It struck a chord in me because I was watching a drama recently and the actor in the show also transitioned from a typical white office collar to becoming a star. When he shot to fame, he then faced some criticisms which honestly is no fault of his. It made me wonder - what made him decide to enter showbiz when he had already had a decent job and could live a simple and peaceful life away from the blinding lights and cameras of showbiz and be subjected to public scrutiny, especially entertainment is also a highly competitive industry and one having to face newcomers that probably started training at a young age and making their debut at half his age? It does not seem like his life dream was to become a celebrity because if he did, he probably would have started much earlier neither did he seem like he was doing it for money. I guess only he himself knows and GOD knows. 

With that, I sign off: If I were to choose again, I would still choose to be extraordinary and made the same choices that I did. 

管他熙熙攘攘阳关道 
我偏要一条独木桥走到黑

The finale

Unknowingly, it has been 2 years since I moved to Dubai. When I first moved here, there was so much uncertainty, whether I would be able to secure a full-time job eventually, what the future entails for me, etc. 2 years on, I have learnt so much from my time here and now that I am going to leave, I am going to miss this place dearly. If you never have to get involved with the authorities here, be it for utilities, telecommunications, driving license, housing, etc., there is really no reason for you to not like this place. Only occasionally do bureaucracy hits you and when things do not get going. There is so much freedom and liberty here; in the middle of the world in a sense - get to anywhere in the world in 15 hours or less. It is safe and there are tons of things that you can do here. Some people told me that everything here is fake - mould of something else in the world but this is really one thing that does not bother me at all. It is a desert to begin with so the nation was built from scratch. The friends that I have made here, especially the friends at badminton, are truly amazing and I will miss everyone when I pack my bags and leave in 1.5 months time.

At work, I want to make my departure as seamless as possible - I felt that I did everything that I could to leave the team in the most amicable way but I feel that people do not think likewise for me. A mentor at work - once a mentor, always a mentor to me. No matter how frustrated I get at him at times, I will never forget the kindness that he has shown me and that gratitude constantly reminds me to give and take and go the extra mile for every piece of work that he assigns for me. However, I could sense the hostility these days and I had not spoken a word to him outside of work ever since the day I broke the news of my desire to rotate. Nevertheless, I kept telling myself - whatever happens here stays here. I am not going to bring my prejudices here to the future but I cannot say so about the people here. I can almost sense who are the people who will hold grudges and continue to make my life difficult even after I move on. For that, I take my hat off to my ex-colleague who had the courage to stand up to "bullying" and provided the feedback. Some said he's stupid, some said he made the wrong move but what I saw was him preserving his last bit of dignity to do something for himself.

Also, as I count down towards the last days of my time here, I felt upset about the kind of trust that I can have in someone only to feel betrayal when I least expected it. There should be no friendships in an office; I hold to that and shall remember it by heart. When there is a conflict of interest, any friend would not hesitate to sacrifice this so-called "friendship" to preserve his livelihood or to ensure his or her own promotion / survival. I do not know how to deal with this mess that I have right in front of me; silence is my only weapon to deal with adversities. At times, I let my emotions get the better of me and perhaps said things that I should not have to so I shall be mindful to always keep my cool and keep quiet when I am angry / unhappy / upset / disappointed except only to confide in my sister who will never betray me at least.

I am going to miss this place so so much but it is time for new adventures. After London, I really do not know where else I could possibly go......

(20)18 all over again

Time of the year when my blog knocks and I have to be back to write my final post for the year. Yesterday, everyone started posting photos of themselves when they were 18 and I did not understand the significance of it but at this very moment, I finally did! What was I doing when I was an 18 year old? My blog had not existed at that time and given my goldfish memory, I can barely remember what happened that year.

2017 started off a little rocky but the terrain got better as the year progressed. This was a complete opposite to my 2016. I vividly remembered how I felt at this time of the year, trying so hard to figure out my next step and had to constantly encourage myself to persevere to get to my next destination. I mentioned that I should count my blessings if I managed to get a full-time job in the shortest time possible and thankfully, I achieved what I want faster than expected.

Milestones:

Indeed, I did get a full-time job in finance. I barged my way into one of the hardest industries in the world, IB. It is all glam and glamour to the outsider because of the salary it commands. To me, having this job helped me get back to the level of financial security that I desire and which keeps me from worrying. I can then start to focus on achieving other things in life. Somehow, my prayers were answered. I read something on this very last day that says, "幸福都是奋斗出来的”, which means that happiness is something that you have to fight for. I do not disagree with that but I think we should also be thankful when our effort can translate into happiness. There are so many people out there who work so hard to fight for what they want but failed to accomplish what they set out to achieve. I need not brag or remind others about how hard I had worked before I landed this job, no one really cares about the blood, tears and sweat behind the scenes; everyone focuses on the outcome but I am grateful that I got what I wished for through my hard work and never-say-die attitude, coupled with the support and prayers from my family. Transiting from 2016 to 2017 has indeed brought out my resilience and made myself know that I still can give physically and mentally a lot more than I think I do. Perhaps without going through the last few months of 2016, I would not have been able to bite the bullet and pull myself through 2017.

I am a forward-looking person, always thinking a step ahead and consequently, I forget to live in the moment. Being in this job has definitely taught me this one important tip to life. My job does not give me the ability to plan my schedule ahead because there are always last minute disruptions and plans have to change. As such, whenever I have free time, I do not procrastinate and embark on the activities that I want to do and appreciate whatever pockets of free time that I could use to travel, explore and engage in the activities that I enjoyed doing. Having lost control of my own time and trading off my freedom for the pound made me felt lost in the beginning but humans are highly flexible and adaptable and with the passage of time, I worked my way around my limited control over my free time.

Besides that, I spent 2017 by myself a lot. I remembered how uncomfortable I was this time of last year when I had to be at a gathering which I felt so out of place and when I finally got to the gym on the first day of the new year, I felt freed. My takeaway from this year was that, you could be with a throng of people yet felt lonely within yet your heart could be so filled when you are sitting alone blogging. Life has such contrasts at times. Nevertheless, I do feel lonely more in 2017 than in the first 1.5 years after I left home to pursue my dreams in 2015. I find myself missing my family a lot more, because I am someone who needs interaction constantly, having others share their life experiences with me and vice versa. That said, I do not like spending time with people who do not matter. However, if you pass judgment too quickly and deem the other party as someone whom you are not interested in spending time with or engaging in conversations without really understanding the person's background and what the person has to say, you will lose a potential friend. Fortunately or unfortunately, my life has taken that turn and I often have to make such decisions owing to the time constraint that I have. The downside of my job is that it makes me more pragmatic more than ever and value my time like a diamond, limited and priceless.

You gain some and you lose some. I went back to playing badminton regularly after moving here and that has become the biggest part of my social life. My passion for the game is burning and I constantly want to improve my game play and criticism is often the motivating factor for me to find a breakthrough in my game.

For all that I have achieved, there are areas where I still need to work on. I did not strike #1 off my 2017 new year resolutions. Making the first move to buy a guitar was right but that desire to learn to play the guitar was only sustained for 4 weeks before I got engulfed by work completely, travelled back home then to London and left the guitar to collect dust in a corner of my home. That shall be my 2018's resolution again.

Moving forward to 2018, my life is back on track on the rat race and I have had to once again prepare myself for the mountain of work that I have to face when the new quarter starts.

2018 resolutions:
1. Learn to play the guitar
2. Visit Africa and go on a safari
3. Learn swimming (I wrote this down but I know that I am unlikely to accomplish it. I have always had a fear for water and I do not know how I could overcome this).
4. Save money!
5. Volunteer!
6. Be giving, appreciative and judge less

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give ~ Winston Churchill

In 2017, I live by what I earned but I realise that the things that make my heart fill so full is always the love, care and concern that I give to the people around me, be it my siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews or my parents.

JC once said that Mandarin pop is better than Western music. For me, it is not the melody rather than the lyrics. If you understand mandarin, you will understand how well the language can paint a picture. While others say a picture paint a thousand words, mandarin can express a picture in a few words. This year, I had written quite a few posts about Mayday's songs and the lyrics that deeply touch my heart. I shall write down all those lyrics that made my heart skipped a beat this year:

努力不会徒劳，伟大并非凑巧
努力不会徒劳，爱并非凑巧

终究会有一天，我们都变成昨天
是你陪我走过一生一回匆匆的岁月

夜空中最亮的星能否听清
那仰望的人心底的孤独和叹息

从前哭着哭着就笑啦
现在笑着笑着却哭啦
快乐变得那么复杂
原来这就叫长大
没被看不起当笑话
怎么配叫做梦想

如果你能预知这条路的陷阱
我想你依然错得很过瘾
每当我迟疑 总不肯忘记
活在我心深处那顽固的自己

某一天某一刻某次呼吸
我们终将再分离

展开披风带你飞行

Still a lot more, I just cannot finish all of them. In 45 minutes, I will welcome the new year. Thank you for all the memories, 2017.

After 16 comes 17.

Well, the title says it all. This is one post that everyone can expect from me till the day I kick the bucket. Like I said, there is no better way than to set resolutions for yourself each year and then at the end of the year, evaluate yourself against them.

2016 started off pretty well but the road got a little rocky as I close another chapter of my book. I was not surprised because I knew I had to go through this phase of employment seeking eventually, despite me starting in April/May in the year itself. Before writing this, I took a good look at my 2016 NY Resolutions and to my surprise, I actually managed to accomplish most of the tasks that I set out to do.

Milestones:

I had always wanted to visit South America, the last continent missing on my travel map. Unfortunately, I could only cover 3 out of the 5 countries. I guess I was a little too ambitious to want to cover 5 countries in 3 months. Nonetheless, I am glad I made the right choice to take things slow and thoroughly explore Peru and Bolivia. My time in SA was definitely one of the highlights of my year, trekking to Machu Picchu and the Rainbow Mountains hike were my favourite. I like Bolivia too, especially Lake Titicaca as well as La Paz. I love going back to basics and through these experiences, they make me a stronger person.

Next, I am glad I made it to the Balkans, striking Croatia and Serbia off my bucket list! :) My time in the Balkans is indescribable by words for there were too much emotions involved. I love visiting all these off-beaten tracks in the world. It is a pity though that I did not make it to Russia and also do the Transiberian railway but I guess that can wait. At least I made it to Ukraine and I have no regrets.

Besides travelling, I am surprised to strike off item #2 on my 2016 NY Resolution! I had wished to get an internship in the US in finance or apply to an international organisation. No doubt I am not working full-time yet in an international organisation but I believe this will open doors for future position and to me, the experience is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. When I met Mr. Ban Ki Moon and shook his hand, I reflect about my life ten years ago in my dormitory room back in NUS. I was determined to polish my writing skills and forced myself to read the newspapers for 2 hours everyday, combing every section starting from Prime to Home and eventually Money and Sports. It was sheer determination that got me through those days and that was my very first encounter with this name, with Lebanon, Israel and the Thai Coup. Life is full of surprises as who would have imagined that young girl 10 years ago would become who she is today, to have a Lebanese and a Jewish flatmate 10 years later and also meet this inspiring figure in her life? I feel that I preach so much about dreams and I try to take steps to get to where I want to be but along the way, I always feel that I have not done enough or that I could be better and sometimes I even forget about what had propelled me forward to accomplish those things in the first place? It is only at this juncture that I write my 2016 milestones that I see this as a comfort that I have achieved more than I imagined and that I had not lived my life in vain.

As for item #5, which also happens to be the very last item on my list usually, it has always been related to personal development, not material wants or concrete tasks. That is to stay positive, be giving and appreciative. I feel that I have accomplished much in this aspect all these years, in fact I am too optimistic at times that when reality hits, I sink really low. I believe in horoscope and I think I am a typical Sagittarius. I do feel low from time to time but in front of others, I am always motivating, encouraging and positive. However, I would not say that is merely a facade but a true reflection of my inner self for the majority of the time. In general, I am a very positive person. Why live through a day filled with negativity when a smile is all you need to make someone else's day and eventually yours. As for being giving and appreciative, I have my own ways of going about that and I shall let people who have received my acts of kindness and appreciation attest to that. My appreciation is summed up in my Valedictory Speech. :) That said, I would still like to thank everyone who appeared in my life, lend a helping hand, share a story, inspired me, encouraged me, supported me and loved me.

So what then is in store for me in 2017?

I am going through a pretty difficult phase for now, whereby I do not know what is my next step in life and am leading a life whereby I myself have no idea where I am going to be in the next 2 months. In a nutshell, it means I am waiting for things to happen. This is not a setback but rather a hurdle that I have to cross to my next step to achieving other milestones. As N used to observe about me, I am someone who likes to be in control and this situation of not being in control of anything creates fear for me. I have been diligently sending resumes and searching for suitable positions that I may possibly fit. In total, I have sent around 40-50 resumes thus far but I know that is nothing compared to what my peers shared with me. They have sent hundreds of resumes before they finally land one job opportunity. If I can send less than a 100 and get employed, then I am very fortunate and should count my blessings. Of course there are those who got hired through a few resumes, be it through networking, connections or whatsoever. These are things in life that I will never have and will be impossible to have, considering my circumstances so I guess I will just have to go the hard way. The only reason why I am still not depressed and taking things in my own stride is probably because I have gone through all these difficult phases a million times in life and in a way, I am so scarred that one more of those scars is not going to hurt. LOL. Furthermore, my optimism puts me in good stead to face any imminent storm.

Sometimes I ask myself why is it that I cannot simply get by and face the reality of going back home and continuing my tuition business. Maybe I have been intoxicated but I believe there is more than I can accomplished, just not yet.

I have lost track of the number of persons who have asked me about love, marriage and settling down. I have had this theory to explain my situation for the longest time ever but I usually do not bother to explain to people who will not understand. I will simply tell them, "I have no interest in marriage", which technically is not a lie but a summary of my conclusion. I am an Economist and to us, life is about choices and consequently opportunity costs.

I believe that there is a perfect fit for everyone in this world, that very person who understands you, loves you unconditionally and that you will not want to let go of him or her even till the very end of time. However, there is a search cost involved to locate this person. Search costs might not simply be the monetary ones such as gifts given to the wrong person (hahaha!), but it could be costs such as (emotions) undergoing many failed relationships to better understand what it is that you seek in life, days and nights of tears and tissue paper wasted to wipe off tears after having broken up with someone, time lost to dating the wrong person, thinking that you have met the right one but turns out otherwise, etc. Nonetheless, it is not a total loss situation. We learn and become more mature over time, pick up skills like baking, picking the right type of flowers, saying the right things to our partners to make them feel happy, etc. (if you want to count the free sex, that is fine as well). From this, we come up with a net search costs (Costs - Benefits).

Everyone will have a different net search costs value, positive or negative. People with a positive value (Costs > Benefits) are those who see recovering from a broken relationship to be very high in costs so they would rather wait and not jump into every possible relationship each time an opportunity arises. Alternatively, it could be that they derive a very low benefit from enjoying the perks of being attached; goodnight messages, hugs and kisses, presents, companionship (most important I feel); unless it is from that someone that they desire at the bottom of their heart, they don't derive much utility from being together with the wrong person. The implication is that such people would very likely stay single for a long time or forever or be with their perfect fit.

The opposite is true of those with a negative value. They can afford to try out many different relationships and derive a lot of benefit from having their 2nd half around. It does not matter whether they are dating the right one because they derive utility even from their non-perfect fit. They are more likely to end up settling for the 2nd best or give up this search for their perfect fit. That said, they are the people whom we see settling down. 

What then are some of the factors that can affect the costs and benefits?
1. Age - When you are younger, you long for companionship a lot because you are trying to find an identity for yourself and you need to build confidence. Your friends and loved ones are the only things that you "own" or "possess" so you derive a great utility from their actions and companionship. As you start to build your own career, you derive more utility from realising your dreams and consequently companionship is less important for you. However, beyond a certain threshold and when you achieved much success in accomplishing your dreams and having your dream career or owning the appropriate material wants, the utility that you derive from these things dwindle nd now you long for companionship once again. I imagine it like a U shape curve utility for companionship.

2. Culture - Culture definitely plays a pivotal role. Asian Vs Western cultures - importance of family Vs Individualistic mind set, etc. This would also bring other factors such as matchmaking, peer or family pressure into play.

3. Personality! Are you the kind who is willing to compromise or you are the typical perfectionist at heart?

I would not say that one is better than the other, that settling for 2nd best is an inferior outcome to finding the perfect fit. It can be argued that people who have negative search costs are as likely to meet the right person because they have more attempts at trying out different partners. In addition, I believe that if the search costs are high when young but start to turn negative with age for some. These people will give up the search.

At this point in time, I am glad that I still have you as a reader on this page. It is a very complicated model that I have here and I am still trying to refine it and make it better while writing but these are my preliminary ideas. Perhaps I should consider writing a PhD thesis on this (LOL!)

What about me myself? I know very clearly that I am the the first type, whereby there are very high search costs in place and that best explains my current situation, more than just "I am not interested in marriage". :)

Forward to 2017, I have thought of some new resolutions (not wishes) and I hope I can sustain this pursuit of happyness in my life journey. I do not want to write something that is uncertain because I am not wishing for something. It has to be something that I can work towards and that I want to work towards to as well so I suppose it will be fewer than last year. I hope to devote more towards work and development rather than travel, unlike the last year.

1. Learn to play the guitar/piano.
2. Find a job in finance or an international organisation (permanent position or at least fixed-term contract) or at least in strategy/ data analytics. After all, you can sense/ feel my passion for Economics from what I wrote.
3. Be resilient, tenacious and positive going forward.

I guess if you really pay attention to my posts, you will realise that I blabber a lot and set fewer goals when I am "lost" and "uncertain" unlike in the last year. Lol!

As usual, I end my post with a quote for the new year:

Two things define you. Your patience when you have nothing, and your attitude when you have everything. 

I guess I have been through both phases to truly understand and appreciate the meaning of this quote.
*p/s: Pardon any typing mistakes or grammatical error because I have been writing all day and my mind needs a good break before the year comes to a close.

Setting Sail Once Again

As I am writing this, I am on my way to New York, commonly known as the Big Apple. I never expected myself to do this, go on an unpaid internship and in a foreign place far away from home. 

I did not have such uncertainties or anxiety when I left for the UK a year ago because I was going to Europe, a place which I know at my fingertips. Be it the culture, language, places, etc. Now, I am completely foreign to NY and not know what to expect. I have to start work a day immediately after I arrive and I do not know how I can adapt to life in NY. 

I was hesitant about going on this internship initially because of financing reasons for I have to burn another huge part of my savings to pay for rent and living expenses. However, it is the UN! 

I have always dreamt of working for an international organisation, be involved in work that can have a global impact etc. so I simply cannot give up this chance. There is no guarantee that I would be employed eventually but this is a risk that I am taking and I hope it is an investment that can reap returns. 

As I sit on the plane and write this, a lot of thoughts flashed through my mind. First, I thank God for giving me so many different life experiences to empower me to pluck up my courage to set sail. I have been adapting to change constantly my entire life and this is not any different. Although the outcome may be positive or negative, for if I do not find a job in NY eventually, I will go home broke and stressed over my next step in life. However, at least I have had the opportunity to work in one of largest organisations in the world. Life has always been smooth-sailing for me and I have been very blessed, that I cannot or should not ask for more. 

Second, I have my family and friends to thank for this. First, Yee Leen for introducing me her friend, Alina, for she will be such a big help in terms of helping me to settle down in the city asap. Besides, YL has always been my listening ear, someone whom I pour all my sorrows and grouses to. Though we chat less these days, I always appreciate her presence and her friendship. She is very positive and always takes setbacks in her stride. I like her motto, “Complain less and do more”. Second, my lil sister who sees my dreams and encourages me to pursue them. I know that my departure will once again leave a void in the family and it is selfish of me to leave my parents behind and my sis to deal with them. Their support to me is something that I can only be grateful towards eternally. Like I told Bro, if you love someone, do not clip their wings and stop them from scaling to greater heights in life. The conversation that we had hours ago before I took flight once again left me something to ponder on. I told Bro that I will feel like a big fish in a small pond if I were to stay in Singapore but now I am probably gonna be the smallest big fish in the big pond. It hit me hard when I said this, was I too self-conceited? I have confidence in my own working capabilities though I may not be the smartest person on earth or not even the top 10% in Singapore. However, I believe in my own attitude; perseverance and positivity which will tide me through even the darkest hours of my life. I hope to make them proud when I eventually return home after 3 months. The most important takeaway from that conversation for me was “humility”. I am starting from ground zero and I have to be patient and humble to pick up the ropes and keep an open mind. 

Third, NM! 😃 I do not know why but he gave me so much strength during my time in Serbia. Everything that he told me about himself, life, politics, the world, and me made me so determined that I cannot tiptoe through life. It would be wonderful if I were to stay in Singapore, continue my teaching career and tuition as a side business. My family will be happy since they want me to be around and I will have all the money in the world to travel. However, that thought does not strike a chord in me. I will not feel accomplished the day that I close my eyes, at least that is what I think. This is my last leap into the unknown because if I were to fail this time, I know I will have to go home and face my fate and lead an ordinary or normal life. 😔  Although he may have lied in his stories, since he always tells me “not to trust a Serb” and “not to trust him”, my gut feeling tells me that he does not lie to me at the very first instance. Everything that he told me about himself is true. He always says that I spread positivity propaganda to him, and I believe that I have motivated him to work hard and lead an extraordinary life but he does not see the opposite. He does not know how much what he said to me, meant to me. For he sees my dreams and believes that I can accomplish them. Many people will not understand what I seek in life or believe in me, but he DOES, even though it may just be a lie. I do not know how life would turn out for him eventually, but I hope that he will not be one of those smart people who will be unhappy because expectations fall short of reality. I was once stuck in this pothole and I felt miserable. I may have to undergo these emotions once again in life with this decision that I made but NM made me feel like, “you can dictate your own future”. Make the right decisions that will lead you to your ultimate goal. We want to be different, we dream big and want to achieve big and we made a promise to wait for each other at the finishing line. It would be amazing if we could journey together and provide the much needed support but unfortunately, we have very different values and beliefs and what he wants to achieve might not be what I want to achieve. But I am so thankful that I met him, for he changed my life in a span of 6 days. I promise, “To live well and stay on the bright side of life”. If the world is filled with lies and conspiracies, I am glad this one lie changed me, for the better or worse, we will have to live through it to know the answer.

Extreme Human Behaviour

I have a classmate whom I am not particularly close to but I always find it easy to discuss with her world issues - corruption, income inequality, moral rights, life choices, etc. and over a caipirinha yesterday, we were discussing about human evolution. We came to the conclusion that mankind simply has not evolved much over the years. In the past, when war descended upon a nation or territory, it was reckless killing and raping of the women. Now, a bomb is dropped and the entire village dies. It is a matter of suffering while alive, because you had to undergo the trauma of being raped and watching your loved ones suffer, and now, simply dead with the dropping of a bomb. How different is it then? Why is the use of bombs chastised and not the invasion of the past? I would rather have a quick death than be tortured alive.

We also had a discussion about refugees and the crisis in Europe. I know that it is immoral to deny these refugees a place in Europe because they are running away from war. However, if there is an influx of refugees, more than what these camps can handle, it causes the living conditions in the refugee camps to deteriorate and everyone else suffers. Countries that take in refugees also need to know where to draw the line and say, "STOP", we are not taking in anymore. As long as refugees know that there is still hope of them escaping to Europe or some other country, they will try and keep coming. Thus, I think finding the right balance is important. We try to save as many people as we can but we cannot try to save everyone such that eventually, the entire ship sinks. My housemate told me about a story of a Lebanon family selling all their assets so as to acquire the status of a Syrian refugee and escaping to Europe. When they found that the living conditions were worse than what they had back home, they decided to return, but only to have nothing back at home. These are issues of moral hazards and shouldn't they be safeguarded against? 

Another discussion that we had was about suicide bombers. Some of them were threatened to take on this task, either to protect their families or for a compensation that will feed their family. Is it then right to take away innocent lives elsewhere, family members of other people, just so that you can protect your own family? Which life is more precious? Can we put a value to it? If suicide bombers can do that to protect their own family, then what is stopping Europeans from trying to protect their own loved ones against terrorism and controlling the influx of foreigners? 

For me, I want to stand on the side of justice and fairness and avoid putting myself in a moral dilemma as far as possible. If I had to kill someone else just to protect my family, I am sure my family will understand why I am unwilling to do it? How about if the lives that I am going to take away are people with sickness or have done bad things in life? Will my judgment be different again? 

I share this video from this stand-up comedian, George Carlin. It is one of the best videos that I have watched, talking about extreme human behaviour. It sounds cynical but it is so reflective of life. :)

Should I feel lousy?

2 more months till the end of my course and it is time to get down to work to prepare to settle down for the future! Times like these, I always feel so lousy. I was setting up my LinkedIn account and in the process, I chanced upon the profiles of many of my peers. I have to admit that I feel a little lousy because many of them have already accumulated the right corporate experiences and in a way, pave the way for a lifetime career. On hindsight, my teaching experiences do not count towards anything.

Nevertheless, my time here has taught me that the definition of success is varied and I am feeling this way because my definition of success still encompasses social status and my career. When I return to Singapore, I could go back to my old profession - teaching or tuition and earn big bucks but I know this is not what I want. To me, this is not a career that I feel that I should be in at this stage of my life. Money is definitely not the motivating factor otherwise I would not have left home in the first place. Although I admit that when I see my friends posting pictures of their new cars, new houses, branded bags, etc. I do feel that maybe I should simply settle down and make money my motivation. However, I just feel that they do not bring me satisfaction that is long-lasting. I know that I would not be truly happy if I were to just continue with my tuition business and bring in the bills for material wants.

So I try to cheer myself up by reminding myself about how much I have achieved in the last 6 years. I have always wanted to travel around the world, to meet people from different cultures, live abroad, etc. and I have accomplished much in this aspect. A few months ago, I read an article about how someone commented that all these travel experiences do not count towards anything when you truly want to settle down.

To face reality, have I been successful in the last 6 years? Teaching is a profession that you can always glamorise it by claiming that you are contributing to society and helping to mould the future of the nation. I am proud of what I have done in that field, helping to shape and touch lives from the bottom of my life and not doing things for the sake of doing it. However, when I want to be forward looking, of what use is my teaching experience?

I have travelled to all the continents in the world, except Antarctica, and once again upon reflection, what use is that for my future career? LOL. It is not something that I can put on my CV but I am not complaining. The memories from those trips are keepsake for a lifetime!

I am not sure if I will still go down this path if I were to be given a time machine to return to the past. The grass on the other side is always greener but I guess I do not have regrets about my decisions. I feel that I have underachieved in life and this makes me feel a little lousy but no pain no gain I guess. I would not have been able to travel so much if not for my job as a teacher.

Life is about knowing what you want and pursuing it against all odds, even if people around you tell you that is not the way forward. After all, you only live once so live it the way you want but be prepared to face the best and the worst moments because that is part of the journey.

Love and Family

I had many conversations about love, marriage and family these days. I feel the need to pen all these conversations down and hopefully some day when I look back, these conversations will bring a smile to my face.

A friend of mine told me that she believed at different stages of our lives, we need a different person or companion. To her, if your partner is no longer the person whom you need at that stage of life, then what is stopping you from leaving him or her and go in search of another person. As a result of this mindset, she does not believe in marriages. Marriage is just a piece of paper to bind two persons together but if that person is still the person whom you need in your life, then even without marriage, the two of you will stick together. However, if the opposite is true, then that certificate ties both of you down and brings about unhappiness. I have so many real-life examples around me and to Asians in general, divorce though becoming more common is still something not favoured. A part of me agrees that when two persons no longer value the existence of each other, why not let go? Nevertheless, when one forms a family, it is no longer about two persons but also the children in the household and how a divorce could possibly affect them. I always feel that marriage and starting a family is never the problem of two persons but two families and consequently, the kids that follow.

In response to my friend, I feel that indeed we constantly change and maybe we require a different person to walk through this life journey with us at different stages of life, however, it can be the case of two persons who decided to spend the rest of their lives together changing and adapting to new found circumstances. I do not think that one should just flight when they feel that problems and differences exist between them. Sometimes, I walk away from people whom I cannot relate to anymore, but I always try to salvage the relationship before turning away. This ensures that when I do, I have done my best.

Another conversation that struck me a lot was a conversation with a guy from Central Asia. He told me that in his country, the youngest child, if he is a boy, will live with his parents after marriage and take care of them until they aged. Since he is approaching marriage age or perhaps exceed, his parents or in particular, mother, might have found him a wife. I was a little shocked because I found him to be quite modern and westernised and never expected arranged marriages to be still a tradition. His reasoning was logical - he will have to live with his parents after marriage and he hopes that his wife will be someone who can get along with his mother or someone that his mother likes. This will reduce conflicts. In his country, a woman is still expected to stay home and take care of household chores and the children after marriage. He was honest with me that if a woman wants to be independent and have a career, then she will not be able to find a husband in his country because the majority of the men would prefer to have a stay home wife. In his opinion, there is no such thing as true love, or freedom to love and in pursuit of love, find the person who you will love and live with for the rest of your life. He will have to shoulder the responsibility of the household after he gets married and learn to take care of his family; parents, wife and children. We posed many hypothetical questions to him such as, "What if the girl that his mother chooses is not someone that he likes?" or "What if he finds a girl that he truly loves but his mother does not like her?"

His response was that he will respect the wishes of his mother. In his religion, they believe that a mother is like a tree that provides shade and protection to her children. A child who lives under the care of the mother has the best of the world, so he believes that the girl that his mom chooses for him is definitely the best and most suitable for him. I have so much respect for that because I am not someone who will simply listen to the wishes of my parents and abide by their bidding. Parents would feel so loved if their kids have that mindset, I guess but I am just not that kid. I want freedom to make my own choices in life and then live with those consequences. It is back to the question of how much information do you feel your parents have in relation to yourself. I do not think that my parents know much about the world, because I feel that they have fallen behind, lacks education, etc. I do not despise them but I just feel that they do not make decisions taking into account all available information, myopic, etc. Hence, I listen to their advices and take whatever that I think is useful but I will not do whatever that they tell me to. Sometimes I do not want to start a family because I do not hope that someday my kids will feel the same way towards me like I do towards my parents. That said, if I do have kids, I will want them to explore this world on their own and just be there to catch them when they fall. :)

时不时都会有如此的感受，感受到某一个人对另一个人不一样的情感。很感激有如此的遭遇，给了我自信心，感受到关怀和温馨。它是一种说不出的感受，我觉得我的直觉是对的但这世间，不是所有的相爱都能相拥。如果遇到一个你真正深爱的人但却不能和他在一起，那么就珍惜你和他所有美好的记忆。你会继续你人生的旅途，会遇上另一个较适合的人并且和他走完你的这一生，但时不时，你还是会去触碰你心里的那一个小角落，因为你深爱的那个他仍然住在那，不曾离去。正所谓你得不到的永远是最好的而他在你心里，依然完美无缺。这份最真诚的爱和回忆，就让它像一个微笑一样冰封在你心里和脸上。