Something for a change

Trying to keep to my one post every fortnight...

I must say that work has been extremely busy these days that I am spending my free time chilling and catching up on my sleep whenever I can. My topic for discussion is "Change" - the only constant in our ever changing world I guess. 

People seek a change for a better or worse? More often than not, we do not what to expect when we leave our current status quo. I have always embraced change more readily than I expected and it has to be attributed to my childhood experiences. At the age of 10, I moved to a new school and had to adapt to a brand new environment - everyone in the class had their own cliques and as a transferee, I had to learn to fit into the different groups. Although I was too young to understand anything at that time, when I looked back at those times, I could understand my own fears and lack of confidence back then. Fortunately, I met people who extended a helping hand - Sam who brought me into choir, Charlotte who helped me so much and was my best friend in the school, had two odd but also kind-hearted neighbours sitting within my group - CP, WM, AZ, ZB. I failed to leave up to expectations early in life and despite being in the best class in the school, I went to a "neighbourhood" school and was the only one from my class who went to that school, when all my classmates went to top schools. That motivated me to strive and work hard in secondary school and also shaped my future endeavours and work attitude. You can be smart but you still need to be diligent to consistently perform in life. 

Then came the transition into pre-university. Though I did decently well to get into a JC, I chose a polytechnic and had to face a brand new environment alone once again. This did not stop even when I moved from the polytechnic to University and the first 20 years of my life had been all about facing the "music" all alone each and every time. It made me a stronger and highly adaptable person because I had to be more outgoing to meet new strangers while others had their own "comfort zone" of friends to navigate their freshmen years with them. As a result, I made many cliques of friends growing up though not all stayed in touch with me subsequently. However, some days, I do wonder if my life would have been much different had I chosen similar paths as my classmates at the different junctures in life and had a comfort zone which I could stay within? Would I be more resistant towards change as an adult and chose certainty over uncertainty in the next 10 years to come after university? 

This behaviour of having to adapt to change did not stop even as a working adult. I chose to leave my first career and further my studies, travel around the world to work and study and more often than not, I was always ALONE. The first few weeks or months of being in a foreign country or city was always painful, I have to say. Having to navigate a new city, figure out the way of life, culture, and trying to settle in and looking for a place to live in were filled with challenges but that did not deter me from constantly changing my lifestyle and career pursuits. In the last one year, I found myself stagnant and finally not changing. Being in the same team and same job and doing the same things throughout the last entire year. Everything was sucked out of my life - friends, hobbies i.e. badminton, sports, travel, etc. and all that I am left with in the last 1 year was basically getting out of bed, switching on the computer and started working then eat, shower, workout a little, play some games, watch some entertainment and back to sleep. I must say that it was quite interesting and enjoyable for the first few months when I finally could realise my dream of working from home but as time goes, it started to get really dreadful. You feel like you are an "outsourced" worker and people will send you emails and call you to get something done and if they needed nothing from you, you will not hear from them. It can be quite scary and you start to ponder upon your value in the team / firm, etc. You start to lose motivation as well because you do not see what others are doing and all you see is yourself buried under a pile of work. Work from home was supposed to be a "change for the better" in my mind whereby you have more work life balance since you no longer have to Facetime in the office but it seems to turn out otherwise. It has become so convenient for you to log on remotely so you are also expected to deliver much quicker as so long as you are not the one making the changes, every change is a "quick" one and should not take too much time! HAHA!

I once saw a quote - "You have to let go of the past in order to move forward". The burden of the "past" is what makes people reluctant to change. Regardless that the past is a heavy burden, uncertainty of the future after making a change is perceived as a BIGGER burden than the current one. This is what makes people stay at in comfort zone for as long as they can and not take the step forward. These days, I feel the same way too. I am comfortable where I am right now, should I change? What change should I be going for and will the change result in me becoming better than what I am today or where I am today? The older you get, the heavier the burden of the past, likewise is the perceived burden of change. That is why there is a saying that one bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. 

For me, I am comfortable in my current job. I know the floor well and know the processes and systems well. Why make a change? I will not be the best but I am definitely not the worst. 

For me, I am comfortable where I am living now even though there is no good heating and it is freezing during winter. I feel that I have my own privacy and my flatmate leaves me alone when I do not want to interact with her as I have experiences of flatmates who are so desperate to find someone to talk to all the time and bug you all the time. It is a distance from my office and it would be good / better if I find a place nearer to my office, with heating and also perhaps by the Thames with better view. 

For me, I am comfortable bunkering down in London until the situation gets better but I really want to go home too. I want to be able to walk the streets again without fear, go back to badminton/ sports and meet my family and friends in real life. If I were to just take the plunge and fly back to SG, I would then be able to have a more "normal" lifestyle but I just cannot pull myself out of my current comfort zone. 

It is 2021, time for a change, really.