Day 1: A confession that you would like to make: I am no longer that inspiring educator I once was and I am kinda upset over it.
I have been so caught up with my studies during the first half of this year that I have neglected my teaching. However, I have been reflecting upon myself for the past few weeks and I question why I am no longer who I used to be.
As a beginning teacher, you have a whole list of things that you want to accomplish and for me, top on the list was to inspire a student or a few or several students if possible. When I was a student, someone came into my life and made me become a better person. I wanted to set out to complete what was left undone by that person. In my first two years of teaching, I never stopped trying. Be it a student was weak, had poor attitude, lazy, slow, etc., I was never stingy when it comes to helping. I committed my time, blood and effort into the job. I spent hours planning lessons, developing new pedagogies to deliver a lesson, marking and giving feedback and consultations. I stayed in school for more than 12 hours a day, sometimes twice a week, sometimes throughout the entire week. At the end of the day, as long as the student learned something, may not be academics, it was worthwhile to me.
However, along the way, I lost sight of the kind of a teacher that I had set out to be. Perhaps it was my upbringing that mould me into such a teacher. I am very short-tempered and when students do not bother to try, I become frustrated. I started to believe that in order to bring about change in them, I had to be firm and fierce and scold them when the need arise and practised that. When I was in J2, although I deemed every student's final destination to be a local or good overseas university and my top most concern for every student under my charge was their 'A' level grade, I never forgot about delivering a holistic education. At the end of the day, I still feel that the path to success is not about being the best teacher, explaining concepts clearly and period. It is about constantly motivating them, showing them the path when they are lost, and be there for them when everyone else understood that it would be okay for them to fail.
Eventually, for my first batch of graduating students, I did everything I could. I believed I changed some of their lives, I delivered the results that I ought to, and I am glad I manage to win the hearts of some of them.
Then I started afresh this year. However, I started to feel grouchy and unmotivated due to monetary issues. People around me reinforced my belief that this batch of students really cannot make it (and I in a way did the exact same thing) and they are not worth me walking the extra mile. My tolerance for stupidity wore thin and I often found myself getting really annoyed with the nonsense that I have to get from a particular subject matter. My perspectives changed. Maybe it was because I know that I will not be following them to J2, maybe because I am burned out, maybe because I know I need not have to prove myself because I have already done so, maybe because... I do not know the reason. My belief became such that "I will not short-change the students' learning, not skip lessons, will teach to my utmost best, share with them my knowledge to the best but at the same time I will not tolerate nonsense. I demand the highest level of discipline from my students when it comes to doing their tutorials, coming to school punctually and staying focus during lessons. Reason for me doing all these, I want to help them build a good foundation in the shortest time possible yet I do not want to have to work my ass off as though I am in J2. Perhaps when it comes to education, efficiency can never lead to success.
My belief that discipline, motivation, desire and hardwork are the ingredients to success in life in the longer term, not just at the 'A' levels never waver. The only thing that changed was I expected all of them to have all these attributes right from the start. I grew impatient when they gave me a piece of substandard work and convinced myself that if you want someone to improve, you cannot cut them any slack and ought to hold them to the highest standards.
But now as I sit here and type this post, I am starting to hate myself for behaving the way I did.
Whatever happened to the youthful, inspiring, and energetic me 3 years ago when I begin this career?
Whatever happened to patience, aligning my expectations, motivating students and befriending them outside of the classroom?
Whatever happened to nurturing and moulding the next generation of kids instead of having prerequisites about what a JC kid should have?
Of course some people will tell me I am not wrong and some people will tell me I can always make amendments right now and blah blah blah. At the end of the day, it is not about what others tell me. It is about the teacher I want to return to, remain or become. I used to find those teachers who complain about their students all the time as people who generate negative externalities (Linky one of them, lol!) and would probably want to avoid them to prevent myself from becoming like them. However, I seem to see that person in the mirror everyday lately.
So recently, I am easily frustrated with school because not only do I have to tolerate illogical writing, I also have to manage my own emotions. I battle with my own set of values and morals and my responsibilities as an educator. Students these days clearly lack the discipline and attitude that they ought to have - but am I wrong to expect that from them? Students who come to school as and when they like it, students who give you a piece of work that has a flaw in every argument that he/ she puts across, students who talk at the back of the classroom, during civics, etc. while you are briefing them on important things on tests and exams, students who say "I don't know or I don't understand" even though you have explained that damn answer or question a million times and showed them multiple examples of how to do things, listening to students scolding vulgarities in the canteen, etc. Attitude - 0, Aptitude - 0. Should I be angry or should I just accept that our society has evolved? Gone are the hardworking, thrifty, appreciative, etc values of our forefathers and what our parents used to teach us. I can accept the fact that they are not that smart to be able to grasp the concepts after a few attempts but at least show your teachers that you are trying and a sense of urgency instead of just conveniently saying "I don't know or I don't understand". Ignorance is annoying. It really makes my blood boil whenever I hear those three words.
I have been able to reflect upon myself because I have the opportunity to hang around a few new teachers in school. That burning passion for teaching and wanting to inspire lives kinda help to rekindle that dying flame in me. Someone caught me by surprise when he posed me the question, "Is teaching your passion?" and here I am making this confession.
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