Unknowingly, it has been 2.5 months since I have been in Spain. I have little time to write about my life here because I have a very hectic schedule and travelled twice to meet my cousin and my family. It is always good to be able to see your family when you are miles away, have them visit you and since I enjoy travelling so much, I love to share with my family all these beautiful places that I have been to.
This is our first family trip and honestly, logistics wise, it was difficult. Mom has a hand injury and she is always tasked to NOT do anything. The weather is cold and a little rainy at times and considering that this is the first time for many of them in Europe, it was a little harsh on them. Of course, there were times when we got really upset with each other and tolerance and patience were crucial. I shared with lil sis about how I feel towards mom over the last few years. Patience is wearing thin because I feel that I have grown up, experienced so much in life and in a way, I feel that my life experiences are way beyond that of my parents. I can no longer be the little girl who listens to their hearsay from their friends or family members. Reason being that those hearsay come from their uneducated friends and family members, who know nuts about the world, in my opinion. I might sound a little self-conceited but I know everyone out there who is more educated than their parents will concur with me. It is not just about life's lessons, values and virtues but also about how to go about our daily lives. I believe in Science and knowledge and not hearsay or traditions, needless to say superstitious practices. That explains why over the years, I get frustrated when my parents try to educate me with their so-called beliefs. I do not think that I am arrogant because I was once an educator and I know what are the important values to impart to the next generation and believe in being the right role model.
My parents simply have ways to irritate my siblings and I, mom constantly nagging and giving instructions on how to deal with things and dad bragging about his fitness and knowledge every other day. I wonder if they ever look in the mirror or sit down and reflect about their lives, as to why they have achieved nothing after living all these years. I know that it is unfair to use my own yardstick to measure how much they have achieved in life because some people just want to live a serene life and not care about fighting for anything. That said, they should also give me the room to pursue my dreams and not hold me back.
After all these grouses about my parents, I then fell really sick a week after I parted ways with them. When I was sick, I woke up in the middle of the night umpteen times because of the pain. In pain and fatigue, I reflect about my relationship with my parents and there was guilt and a little remorse but I know that a strained relationship is always the fault of both, never one. With dad, I have nothing to say because he was never there when we were kids. He cannot blame us for not reciprocating the love because there was none in the first place.
With mom, the best analogy is like that of a race. When I was a kid, she was the runner in front of me, and I was always trying to play catch-up with her. Though she was in front of me, she looked back at me all the time. She encouraged me to run a little faster and eventually I gathered strength and caught up, and even overtook her as she slowed down. Now that I am ahead and look back at her, I find her no longer the gigantic figure in front of me but so tiny because she is so far behind me. I have forgotten to look back at her. I recall the times when I brought her overseas, to China, Maldives, Taiwan, etc. I love bringing mom on my adventures because she brought me to this world and I want to show her the world, and enable her to see how beautiful and vast this world is. The life lessons that she imparted to me stay with me, a selective few, even till today. Along the way, I have forgotten about making sure she did not fall too far behind me and when it happened, I simply did not look back anymore. I felt upset when I thought about these things but I believe it takes two hands to clap.
In the 6 months that I left home, I never once called home, unlike when I was on SEP. How on earth did I not miss home anymore? I have no idea but it did happen. The world is never a constant, people and mindsets change but I realised that my parents did not, in particular my mom. A friend of mine shared with me an interesting story about how he felt information asymmetry is the main reason why people have to communicate otherwise relationships with break down. I cannot agree more because I feel that this was what happened between mom and me. I no longer tell her about my plans in life because I dislike it when she goes around telling others, neighbours or her siblings, etc. I am someone who loves privacy and want to be undisturbed in my own little bubble so I hate it when people whom I am unfamiliar with come by to ask me about my plans or to a certain extent, question me because that is what some of my relatives indulge in. When this communication channel is cut off, both of us suffer. Some of my friends confide in their moms frequently and I wish I could do likewise with my mom. We used to be able to but no longer now and I do not know why. I believe things happen for a reason and let nature take its course, I guess.
When I was sick, my friends' concern for me was the saving grace and I thought about my mom. I know she is old and some day she will leave me for good. I have never stopped loving her in my heart but when the communication channel got cut off, this love lost its transmission channel. I told myself that my concern will be the one precious thing that I cannot be stingy with when someday, mom becomes ill. Sometimes, I want to tell her about why our relationship has become strained but some things are better left unsaid I guess. I am sick of handling her frustrated tone when I try to thrash things out with her. Maybe some day, when my mom leaves me for good or the other way round, we will both regret not having iron things out and show each other more love while we are still alive. Maybe, perhaps but I believe it takes two hands to clap and make a relationship work. I know that some day when I become old and slow, I will then be able to put myself in the shoes of my mom. Nevertheless, I hope my mom understands that I love her, no matter what happens, even if it is left unsaid.
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