Leap of Faith

3 months since I last updated. Going home was TRULY AMAZING! I missed my family and friends so much and despite having to take precautions while being able to roam the streets of Singapore again, I would do it again even with all the scares that I had to go through.

I went back to playing tennis, badminton, mahjong whilst continuing my guitar lessons and spent a ton of time with my nieces and nephews. Kids are so innocent and spending time with them truly makes me happy. All of that were made possible because I simply took the time off from work, being on gardening leave and just chilling at home. I also enjoyed the companionship of my PIG sister, my grandmother, my brother, my cousins and doggie and rattie too. 1.5 years not seeing them was simply too long! 

After a good 5 weeks, I packed my bags again and embarked on my new journey. Before I know it, half of 2021 has whizzed past yet again and I am almost 2 months into the new job! It has been nothing but tough as you can imagine, having to pick up processes all over again and getting used to working with different people with different quirks. At my old place, at least I always knew what to expect from xx. Truth to be told, there were many moments in the last 2 months that I really miss working with xx. I do not miss so much the place but really miss working with xx. He is truly the best person that I have worked with in my professional career. Like I have mentioned, it took me a long time to come to this decision and I know that it is a point of no return when I decided to take this step. I will gain a nice brand on my CV, however I have lost a good partner at work and a friend. If I were the other party, I would feel betrayed because there was simply no signals of my decision coming. It came too sudden and swift and there was no way to convince me out of it. Given my character, I sometimes do take a long time to come to a decision and when I have made up my mind to move on to a new future, no matter how much I long for the past, I will never look back regardless of how desperate I might be. That is ME and I stay true to who I am. 

I relate to this very famous tale of how a person goes on a journey to find the most suitable flower. He has only one chance to pick one flower and he will not be able to go backwards to pick a flower once he has decided to move forward. Along the way, though he saw many flowers that he liked, he never pluck a single one. He was always thinking that he will come across a better one further down the road only to realise that in the end, he ended up with no flowers at all. I am perhaps very much like the protagonist in that tale. I always wanted to move on no matter how much I like the present because I believe I will come across a better present. Maybe the previous stint would have been my best shot and I had missed it. For now, I can only keep moving on and make sure that I will enjoy every step in the future rather than reminisce about the good old days. 

For now, I need to adapt fast and it does not help that cases here are rising and I am in this conundrum of not knowing how to overcome my fear. At the start of June when I first returned to the workplace, I felt like I could live life normally again. I was forced out of my comfort zone and my time back home helped in terms of returning to normalcy. I then got hit with a false +ve test one day and I felt like I was kicked right back into my dughole. I wondered if I should have made those conversations with my colleagues, because had it being a real +ve case, I would have potentially put them at risk. I started to ponder upon my own interactions habits, how I should talk to someone, perhaps not directly to reduce the risk, etc. In a week's time, I probably have to readapt again to a "new" normal. I really long to return to some normalcy, return to the badminton court first thing first, but I just do not know how to take that step. I can take one leap of faith at a time, not multiple ones.