Reminders

Recently, there have been too many happenings and events around me and triggered me to think about my existence so far and of course my life and the future.

First and foremost, the special sem gave me new insights into a friendship I once had. When you are far away in a foreign land and out of your comfort zone, you seek solace in friendships and of course your peers. However, upon landing safely i.e. returning back to your comfort zone, more often than not, you see yourself neglecting people or friends who had once lent a helping hand. But I was reminded of it during the special sem.

Then, one of my friends went on the Work & Travel USA programme to Yellowstone during Summer this year. I should have embarked on it if not for my own indecisiveness and the special semester. Now that she's back, I see that she really misses Yellowstone a lot still. She wrote an extremely emotional post about how badly she miss the people, the work etc in YS. I can relate to what and how she's feeling completely because I was once in that phase of my life a year ago. However, home is home and you do not need that much amount of time to adapt back to the Singaporean lifestyle. I wish her luck. :) Seeing her post reminds me of the times in Stockholm. It made me feel like I didn't treasure the days there well enough. Those were so precious memories that are gonna stick with me for life. Be it the good and sweet ones or the bleak ones (though they were limited in numbers), I treasure every single person who had played a part in shaping them. :)

Also, much fateful events had happened at home too and that made me pondered about life and what holds in the near future. Sometimes, we show too little tolerance for the people around us, take for granted the little things that they do for us, thinking that they will always be around to share a joke, have a meal or sing along. Only when disaster strike do we get jolt out of complacency and start to dwell deeper.

Recently, the feeling of having gotten lost in this journey of life has been haunting me. I seek and search aimlessly for fame, wealth and status. I've been blinded by my pride and the riches around me. Linky said by traveling with the income I earned, I turn myself from being cash-rich to experience-rich. That made me more determined and to a certain extent justify and convince myself that I should earn more and travel more.

I forgot how it was like to call my Best Buddies or pals to chat and see how they were getting along with life. The most common answer I gave to assure myself was:"They are strong and independent and will be fine."

I rather waste my precious time playing "typing maniac" or "spot the difference" or "pet society" and tried to fight for the top spot rather than get down to real business like reading up for my thesis. To justify my own actions, I said "All work and no play makes Jill a dull girl." But I'm no Jill and working non-stop with no play is justifiable in this case because I learnt much more from reading up the thesis than playing any of the above games.

I always spot someone's weaknesses rather than their strengths though I do not openly criticise anyone. Where was the praise and love that everyone needed to keep them having the faith in themselves? If needed, I definitely contribute little. :(

And now I question myself? I seem to have been lost about what I really want in life. Wasn't I so bent on all my dreams and ambitions and fulfilling all the prophecies?

This phase in my life is one that holds deeper implications. It made me ponder if life is all about being able to shop and buy all your favourite clothes and accessories? It made me contemplate life idling away, like what Benja terms as "having a life" equating to doing the things that you like - eat, sleep, play bball, watch movie and hang out with friends. It made me mull over the fact that I lost myself, that I broke a promise I once made to someone that I will never lose the innocence in me and be blinded by the pragmatism and cruelty of reality. However, dwelling on these life issues also knock sense into me as to how shallow others around me can be when all they think about are some meager issues in life yet their shallowness could also be attributed to the fact that they are trying to escape from certain stress or unhappiness or the feeling of emptiness in them.

I hate my life to be revolving around lies but I have become such a proficient liar myself in the process and contradict myself for hating liars, especially those who lie to me, yet even I myself failed to keep the simplest promise..

Adversity and the hurdles now made me face the real me living in my heart and soul and I know in time to come, I will shed my protective layer and emerge as a beautiful butterfly.... :)