Since young, my mother has always taught me the importance of putting in effort in everything that we do and I have adopted that attitude since young. I had experienced failure at a young age and it was because of complacency and the "I think I can do it even without much effort" mentality. Since then, I have learnt the importance of taking pride in whatever that I do, being responsible and like what I previously said, always believe that there is a greater someone out there who will reward you for your effort and hardwork.
I got what I wanted academically and it did not matter to me that I put in 100% and someone else puts in 80% and we got the same result. I know that life is unfair and sometimes, some people are just that better than I do which explains why they can put in 20% less effort than I do or that lady luck is shining on him or her. Eventually, I got my FCH and I finally answered to the expectations of my own.
And so I stepped out into the working world. I avoided the corporate sector thinking that shiny knives and flying daggers were not my cup of tea. Instead, I chose something that I thought I would be rewarded fairly. I saw the results and though that made me feel a little satiated, every payday and each time the bonus is being announced, just when I thought that I was duly rewarded, some other news will pop out and I would be devastated. Of course people will always say that my job ain't about the $$ and I do not think that the satisfaction from my job can be measured in monetary terms. However, I have to admit that not getting a pay adjustment, seeing your bonus of a similar quantum with people whom seem less able and diligent, having your peers tell you that they had just gotten a promotion or a pay raise and they are more highly paid than you despite not having the same qualifications, etc. it really demoralises you. It leaves me sitting in front of my TV and my laptop in the middle of the night wondering why I should work so hard. I can never be on the side of Communism or Marxism. I hate equality!
Recently, I had just finished reading the book, Superfreakonomics. I can't help but agree with the authors of whom one is an economist. People respond to incentives and there is no such thing as altruism. I am an Economics trained person and yes, I respond to incentives. Our PM said that he will make sure that "consolation prize winners like me" will be duly paid but I don't feel that way at all! I can never be an absolute-looking person. If I were to stare at my own quantum, I should feel happy. But when I know of the quantum that others are getting, I feel like burying myself into my pillow and cry.
With such low morale clouding over me, I really do not see why I should continue in doing what I can do well in. I do not covet for huge riches or fame. I just simply wish that I can be duly rewarded for my effort and the higher authority can keep to their words but everything that I wished for never once came true.
Perhaps everything happens for a reason. I may not be rewarded in monetary terms but He blesses me with good health, safety, etc. Perhaps perhaps perhaps. I just need to vent my frustration for a moment. I just need to make myself feel better emotionally. I just need a break and a holiday to run away. I still want to stay positive. :(
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