31 things to say for a month - Day 5: My Cousin

Day 5: A random picture from my travel adventures

I have always been an avid fan of travelling and I have been around the world with some of my family members, relatives, friends, strangers (tours) or even by myself. Every group of people that I have travelled with brought me a different experience and it was through this travel adventures that I learnt how to accommodate others, be more tolerant, sharpen my navigation skills and also learn to appreciate life better.

This person in the picture grew up together with me and the day I landed on Mother Earth was also the day I got to know her. We have been through a lot as we grew up and we never have any qualms confiding in each other. Going to Beijing together and completing a climb through the Great Wall of China was definitely one of the biggest achievements that we have accomplished together even though we have known each other for years. I have met a lot of people who tend to compete with people that are of the same age as them or a year or two older or younger than them and who grow up together with them. After all, we live in a world whereby what matters is the relative gap, never the absolute one.

However, this is one girl whom I have grown up together with mostly in the absence of competition, just constantly seeing each other in a positive light and constantly encouraging each other. Maybe in our younger days, there might be a tinge of comparison by others but I am glad that for most part of the time that we spent together, we held on to each other with faith and in admiration of our different virtues and strengths and weaknesses. We are worlds apart when it comes to our intellect, looks, family background, character, etc. but in each other, we feel the happiness for another's accomplishment or better luck.

Yes no doubt, that trip to Beijing was the first time I missed a flight while travelling but the company that I had and us finally embarking on a travel adventure was a short yet sweet journey.

I chose this picture for this post because this person in the picture had in most part of my life brought me happy memories (not that we do not quarrel or bully each other while we were younger, maybe more like I was the one being bullied while we grew up together). This picture is perhaps the best way to depict how our lives have been, two girls embarking on a journey called life together from young as seen by the background of that long stretch of the Great Wall of China (the part of the journey we have accomplished thus far) and along this journey, come to a rest at a certain point in their lives (travelling together). After the break, they will continue this journey of life (climbing the Great Wall) but along the way, they will meet different people, pursue different dreams and move at different speeds. No one is to say who will reach the summit faster or earlier because in this journey, there is no competition, just support and encouragement.

And this very special person is my cousin whom I have always treated like a sister, in the past, present and will be in the future.

31 things to say for a month - Day 4: Do Not Judge

Day 4: If you judge others, then do not be shy to be judged by others


Ever wonder why Lady Justice is blindfolded, carries a scale and a sword? Recently, it dawn upon me that I have always been a critical person as in I form opinions of what others say and do i.e. I judge them. However, ever since entering into this profession of mine, I have learnt to be less judgmental and always give others the benefit of doubt. As much I can be non-judgmental when dealing with the kids, I find it hard to detach myself from judging others in other aspects of life. Nevertheless, I do not see how this judgment of mine might matter to the other party since it has always been a "IMO" thing to me.

To many people, the word judgment seems to carry a negative connotation. However, I beg to differ. After all, it is an attribute that is a double-edged sword. As someone who is considered judgmental, I am critical and tend to have a preference for things, rate things on a scale (1 being the least preferred and 10 being the most preferred) lol etc. My preference for one thing relative to another stirs up emotions in my dealings with people and things in general and every single day, I battle with my own emotions and learn to manage others' feelings. I have to constantly remind myself that I may judge people but I should keep my judgments to myself and in a professional manner, be it at work or in my social circle, I try my best not to let those judgments affect the decision making process. However, I would very much appreciate if others who judge me come forth and tell me their opinions of me. At the end of the day, I do know that their opinions are only a source of reference or something to trigger me to reflect upon myself and if someone bothers to point out my shortcomings right in my face, I know that he or she truly cares for my well-being and hopes to see me becoming a better person over time. Nevertheless, I recognise that not everyone can withstand such criticisms especially if someone has a low self-esteem.

So, being too judgmental of course can affect your relationships with others. You become sensitive about what others have to comment about you because when you tend to judge people, you are prepared for the fact that others might judge you too. Whereas for people who do not have the tendency to judge others, when you make certain remarks about them, they are oblivious to it and they are simply unaware that you are judging them. With the passage of time, I also learnt that your judgment or opinions do not matter to people who could not care less about judging other people whereas to people who are judgmental, your opinions would even matter less since they would then have their own judgment about you or your opinions or the party concerned.

In conclusion, because of me being a judgmental person yet recognising the associated negative consequences of it, I find myself not being trusting towards others. I choose to reserve my opinions to the few trusted aide. However, I do wonder at times that if I do not open up myself to others, how then do I expect others to open up to me and acquire more trusted aide by my side? After all, no one would pour out his or her sorrows to another stranger right? We want to be able to relate our experiences to people who see what we see and feel what we feel. Perhaps, this explains why as I age, I have fewer and fewer friends whom I can confide in. I still make friends with others easily but I would not want our friendship to develop beyond "hi-bye" and casual chats because I do not want to have to share my opinions otherwise, it will be 说多错多.

31 things to say for a month - Day 3: Train Stations

Day 3: A feeling that will leave me in despair



Recently, a casual chat with a family member and a friend made me recall some emotions that overwhelmed me at a foreign train station many years ago. The feeling that someone will leave you forever and that you will never get to meet him or her ever again would just bring tears to a person's cheek unknowingly. I guess bidding goodbyes always hurts for me. Occasionally, I would recall about the events that happened and every reminiscence of the past is a reminder that I should cherish the people around me more than I am now. Will our paths ever cross again?

There is always this one person whose images and touch will live in me forever and the thought of her departure someday never fails to send a chill down my spine and she is my grandmother. :)

31 things to say for a month - Day 2: A deserving athlete

Day 2: A regret in my life




I have always enjoyed playing sports and when I was younger, I used to participate in school Sports Meet, etc. However, as I was growing up, I realise that fun and competitive are two things that never come hand in hand. If I were to participate in a sports competitively, it would mean that a win or loss would matter a lot and having to ride through the roller coaster of my own emotions was something that I tried to escape since young after participating in Netball competitions in Primary school. 

In addition to that, I was also very ill-disciplined when it comes to training. When I was in Secondary 2, I joined the school netball team but I often cave in to tiredness during training. For one, I hate doing drills because I do not see how it can make me better as a netball player. Before I know it, the netball teacher-in-charge went on maternity and the netball team was officially declared expired. God gave me a second chance and I was invited to join the badminton team instead. However, I declined because I already had a CCA and I wanted to focus more on my studies. Nevertheless, the most important push factor was me being unwilling to endure the arduous training when the coach mentioned about having to do push-ups and sit-ups every training. 

When I entered the Polytechnic, I was determined to fulfill what I had always dream of but never had the chance to accomplish. I joined Ngee Ann's Netball team but I was unable to get into the competitive team in my first year due to a lack of vacancy for the position that I played in. I clearly was not good enough because I had the foundation (poor basic skills) and also match experience. Knowing that I was not in the competitive team, I slowly drifted into the backdrop of Ngee Ann's Netball team and eventually dropped out of the CCA. 

Upon entering university, even though I knew there were Inter-faculty games, I never stepped forward to volunteer my services. I did not have much friends when I first enter university and the lack of companionship was a push factor for me. Subsequently, even though I had a larger circle of friends, they were not people who were active in sports. So, I graduated without accomplishing anything that I had set out to do from Day 1. 

Now as I hang around kids who participate in competitive sports and watch them during games, I really envy them and would like to undergo the experience myself. I registered to represent MOE in an Inter-Ministry Netball game with my colleagues but 2 weeks before the game, I injured my knee and was forced to withdraw. Perhaps, I am just not destined to accomplish this. That kind of bonding that you can have with your teammates, to go through thick and thin, to encourage each other on the court and also chide each other when expectations are not met, it is something that definitely will stay with one for life. 

If I were given a time machine to time travel, I would really love to go back to my younger days and stick to one sport and train really hard and represent my school in it. Never mind the outcome of the game, it is the process that matters after all, isn't it? 

31 things to say for a month - Day 1: No longer an inspiring educator

Recently, I have been really lazy about blogging but I guess I would really like to note down the important things that have happened in my life at this stage because before I know it, I might be on the next phase of my life. This series of "31 things to say for a month" is inspired by another's person's blog and hopefully going through this will make me a more disciplined person considering how NUA I have been for the past 3 years. 

Day 1: A confession that you would like to make: I am no longer that inspiring educator I once was and I am kinda upset over it. 



I have been so caught up with my studies during the first half of this year that I have neglected my teaching. However, I have been reflecting upon myself for the past few weeks and I question why I am no longer who I used to be. 

As a beginning teacher, you have a whole list of things that you want to accomplish and for me, top on the list was to inspire a student or a few or several students if possible. When I was a student, someone came into my life and made me become a better person. I wanted to set out to complete what was left undone by that person. In my first two years of teaching, I never stopped trying. Be it a student was weak, had poor attitude, lazy, slow, etc., I was never stingy when it comes to helping. I committed my time, blood and effort into the job. I spent hours planning lessons, developing new pedagogies to deliver a lesson, marking and giving feedback and consultations. I stayed in school for more than 12 hours a day, sometimes twice a week, sometimes throughout the entire week. At the end of the day, as long as the student learned something, may not be academics, it was worthwhile to me. 

However, along the way, I lost sight of the kind of a teacher that I had set out to be. Perhaps it was my upbringing that mould me into such a teacher. I am very short-tempered and when students do not bother to try, I become frustrated. I started to believe that in order to bring about change in them, I had to be firm and fierce and scold them when the need arise and practised that. When I was in J2, although I deemed every student's final destination to be a local or good overseas university and my top most concern for every student under my charge was their 'A' level grade, I never forgot about delivering a holistic education. At the end of the day, I still feel that the path to success is not about being the best teacher, explaining concepts clearly and period. It is about constantly motivating them, showing them the path when they are lost, and be there for them when everyone else understood that it would be okay for them to fail. 

Eventually, for my first batch of graduating students, I did everything I could. I believed I changed some of their lives, I delivered the results that I ought to, and I am glad I manage to win the hearts of some of them. 

Then I started afresh this year. However, I started to feel grouchy and unmotivated due to monetary issues. People around me reinforced my belief that this batch of students really cannot make it (and I in a way did the exact same thing) and they are not worth me walking the extra mile. My tolerance for stupidity wore thin and I often found myself getting really annoyed with the nonsense that I have to get from a particular subject matter. My perspectives changed. Maybe it was because I know that I will not be following them to J2, maybe because I am burned out, maybe because I know I need not have to prove myself because I have already done so, maybe because... I do not know the reason. My belief became such that "I will not short-change the students' learning, not skip lessons, will teach to my utmost best, share with them my knowledge to the best but at the same time I will not tolerate nonsense. I demand the highest level of discipline from my students when it comes to doing their tutorials, coming to school punctually and staying focus during lessons. Reason for me doing all these, I want to help them build a good foundation in the shortest time possible yet I do not want to have to work my ass off as though I am in J2. Perhaps when it comes to education, efficiency can never lead to success. 

My belief that discipline, motivation, desire and hardwork are the ingredients to success in life in the longer term, not just at the 'A' levels never waver. The only thing that changed was I expected all of them to have all these attributes right from the start. I grew impatient when they gave me a piece of substandard work and convinced myself that if you want someone to improve, you cannot cut them any slack and ought to hold them to the highest standards.

But now as I sit here and type this post, I am starting to hate myself for behaving the way I did. 

Whatever happened to the youthful, inspiring, and energetic me 3 years ago when I begin this career? 
Whatever happened to patience, aligning my expectations, motivating students and befriending them outside of the classroom? 
Whatever happened to nurturing and moulding the next generation of kids instead of having prerequisites about what a JC kid should have? 

Of course some people will tell me I am not wrong and some people will tell me I can always make amendments right now and blah blah blah. At the end of the day, it is not about what others tell me. It is about the teacher I want to return to, remain or become. I used to find those teachers who complain about their students all the time as people who generate negative externalities (Linky one of them, lol!) and would probably want to avoid them to prevent myself from becoming like them. However, I seem to see that person in the mirror everyday lately. 

So recently, I am easily frustrated with school because not only do I have to tolerate illogical writing, I also have to manage my own emotions. I battle with my own set of values and morals and my responsibilities as an educator. Students these days clearly lack the discipline and attitude that they ought to have - but am I wrong to expect that from them? Students who come to school as and when they like it, students who give you a piece of work that has a flaw in every argument that he/ she puts across, students who talk at the back of the classroom, during civics, etc. while you are briefing them on important things on tests and exams, students who say "I don't know or I don't understand" even though you have explained that damn answer or question a million times and showed them multiple examples of how to do things, listening to students scolding vulgarities in the canteen, etc. Attitude - 0, Aptitude - 0. Should I be angry or should I just accept that our society has evolved? Gone are the hardworking, thrifty, appreciative, etc values of our forefathers and what our parents used to teach us. I can accept the fact that they are not that smart to be able to grasp the concepts after a few attempts but at least show your teachers that you are trying and a sense of urgency instead of just conveniently saying "I don't know or I don't understand". Ignorance is annoying. It really makes my blood boil whenever I hear those three words. 

I have been able to reflect upon myself because I have the opportunity to hang around a few new teachers in school. That burning passion for teaching and wanting to inspire lives kinda help to rekindle that dying flame in me. Someone caught me by surprise when he posed me the question, "Is teaching your passion?" and here I am making this confession. 

Goodbye's the hardest word to say---Paul, David and Alex

It has been about two decades since I was first exposed to the world of soccer or football (I prefer this title). In the next one week or so, together with many of the football fanatics around the world, we will bid goodbye to three of the legends from my "girl-hood" club. Paul Scholes, David Beckham and Sir Alex Ferguson.

SAF's retirement came as a real shock to me last Wednesday after my physiotherapy session at AH. He was the soul of MUFC and as a ManU fan, I will terribly miss all the football action that he brought. The countless Fergie times, the rants at the referee, the chewing gum moments and not forgetting the last minute goal celebrations. Watching a man u game never fails to trigger an adrenaline rush for me. I used to think that Beckham's departure from United was a heartache that could not be matched until CRonaldo left in 2009. I was devastated that we lost one of our best players. I thought the disappointment and upset of losing CRonaldo could never be matched again until I hear of news of SAF retiring. As I watched him present his farewell speech on TV last Sunday, I too, was as emotional as he was and I believe all ManUnited fans around the world or even football fans would share my sentiments.  

SAF has been such an inspiration, legend, history-maker whatever you call it. His persistent hunger for success, his determination to elevate the club's status to not just being the biggest and richest in the world, but also with billions of fans and not forgetting being the best in England by knocking off Liverpool off their perch deserve my respect truly. With great power comes great responsibility, this cannot be more true for SAF. Gaffer as everyone in the United family calls it, he is also the dear grandfather figure for many of us who watched him since young. 

Subsequently, came the announcement of David Beckham's retirement, who was the first global football icon. When DB first left Man United, I stopped following the club's news for a while and for a moment, lost interest in football. He was the reason why I supported Man United as a young girl, vividly remembering how my brother and I used to have Man United's players' stickers pasted on erasers and played rubber wrestling. Nevertheless, I came to my senses that my heart lies with the club and not the player so I lost track of DB's achievements outside of Man United. He had not much of success on the pitch after leaving Man U, had he? But the thing I love about him is: He was a Man United fan like I do. Man U was his boyhood club and he would never play against Man U in another EPL team's shirt. His loyalty and love for the club never waver even after his departure. For that, I salute him. 

And lastly, not forgetting Paul Scholes, the last of the few one-club heroes. :) This time round, he will not put on his boots again for sure. But his achievements will be applauded worldwide by footballers and fans. 

As the Chinese saying goes, Time waits for no Man. The young boys of the miracle class of 92 of MUFC have all aged and is time for them to leave the football scene. A short 20 years it has been but it has definitely been one that is extremely fulfilling. And they all have their mentor accompanying them. Goodbye to a league of legends. Even though we will be welcoming a new crop of football icons, you will continue to live in my heart for as long as I live. For the contributions that you have made to football as a sport and the colours that you have brought to my life, I thank you for that! 

Once a Red Devil, forever a Red Devil. Old Trafford would not be the same without SAF even though we have his statute right outside the stadium. But like what he said, every book has a beginning and an ending. If you do not allow a good story to end, you will not move on to discover other good new stories that are being written. 

Effort, Fairness and Life

Since young, my mother has always taught me the importance of putting in effort in everything that we do and I have adopted that attitude since young. I had experienced failure at a young age and it was because of complacency and the "I think I can do it even without much effort" mentality. Since then, I have learnt the importance of taking pride in whatever that I do, being responsible and like what I previously said, always believe that there is a greater someone out there who will reward you for your effort and hardwork.

I got what I wanted academically and it did not matter to me that I put in 100% and someone else puts in 80% and we got the same result. I know that life is unfair and sometimes, some people are just that better than I do which explains why they can put in 20% less effort than I do or that lady luck is shining on him or her. Eventually, I got my FCH and I finally answered to the expectations of my own.

And so I stepped out into the working world. I avoided the corporate sector thinking that shiny knives and flying daggers were not my cup of tea. Instead, I chose something that I thought I would be rewarded fairly. I saw the results and though that made me feel a little satiated, every payday and each time the bonus is being announced, just when I thought that I was duly rewarded, some other news will pop out and I would be devastated. Of course people will always say that my job ain't about the $$ and I do not think that the satisfaction from my job can be measured in monetary terms. However, I have to admit that not getting a pay adjustment, seeing your bonus of a similar quantum with people whom seem less able and diligent, having your peers tell you that they had just gotten a promotion or a pay raise and they are more highly paid than you despite not having the same qualifications, etc. it really demoralises you. It leaves me sitting in front of my TV and my laptop in the middle of the night wondering why I should work so hard. I can never be on the side of Communism or Marxism. I hate equality!

Recently, I had just finished reading the book, Superfreakonomics. I can't help but agree with the authors of whom one is an economist. People respond to incentives and there is no such thing as altruism. I am an Economics trained person and yes, I respond to incentives. Our PM said that he will make sure that "consolation prize winners like me" will be duly paid but I don't feel that way at all! I can never be an absolute-looking person. If I were to stare at my own quantum, I should feel happy. But when I know of the quantum that others are getting, I feel like burying myself into my pillow and cry.

With such low morale clouding over me, I really do not see why I should continue in doing what I can do well in. I do not covet for huge riches or fame. I just simply wish that I can be duly rewarded for my effort and the higher authority can keep to their words but everything that I wished for never once came true.

Perhaps everything happens for a reason. I may not be rewarded in monetary terms but He blesses me with good health, safety, etc. Perhaps perhaps perhaps. I just need to vent my frustration for a moment. I just need to make myself feel better emotionally. I just need a break and a holiday to run away. I still want to stay positive. :(

My 2013 so far and results day

Oh well, after that last blog post about changing my lifestyle for 2013, I am really pleased with myself for taking the first step out towards my next phase of life. Yes, less NUA-ing, more disciplined when it comes to planning for the future, etc.

In another 12 hours time, I will be seeing the fruits of my labour for the last 3 years. From the very first day I entered the classroom, I guess this is the moment that I have been preparing for! I had sent text messages to several of the people whom I will be seeing tomorrow and as the clock ticks, I feel my emotions getting more and more out of control. The last time I had to undergo such emotions was 3 years ago when I checked my final semester's results in Japan! This time round, it is not my own academic results that I am checking but it is indirectly a reflection of my ability, hardwork, aptitude, pride, whatever you call it. But most importantly, a lot more is at stake and that is the future of the people who had trusted me in the last 3 years.

We worked and worked to go through the 2 years to see them going for the exam 3 months ago and now, they had been judged and the outcome of this judgment is just hours away. Most of my students worked really hard and I honestly think they deserve a good grade but I cannot judge this time round if they will be duly rewarded.

I have never sat for this exam before but I know that unlike 'O' levels, it is not one that you will get to see only happy and relieved faces. Some will cry inevitably, some will be beyond consolation, some put on a masked happy and smiling face. Whatever the expression, no one knows exactly how their emotions will battle within themselves when they see their results. All that I can do or have been doing all these whiles is nothing but pray.

I told an ex-student that if you put in the effort, you will be duly rewarded. You might not shine but you will definitely not fumble. God will watch over you. I am no Christian, no Catholic, no Buddha or whatever. I always believe that when you trust that there is a greater power out there that is beyond control, you feel assured, more assured. Nevertheless, who am I to say that when I had not been let down academically for the last 10 years or so? Can I truly empathise with the situation? What I had gone through 14 years ago is vaguely present in my memory though I will never forget the disappointment on other people's faces.