Since young, my mother has always taught me the importance of putting in effort in everything that we do and I have adopted that attitude since young. I had experienced failure at a young age and it was because of complacency and the "I think I can do it even without much effort" mentality. Since then, I have learnt the importance of taking pride in whatever that I do, being responsible and like what I previously said, always believe that there is a greater someone out there who will reward you for your effort and hardwork.
I got what I wanted academically and it did not matter to me that I put in 100% and someone else puts in 80% and we got the same result. I know that life is unfair and sometimes, some people are just that better than I do which explains why they can put in 20% less effort than I do or that lady luck is shining on him or her. Eventually, I got my FCH and I finally answered to the expectations of my own.
And so I stepped out into the working world. I avoided the corporate sector thinking that shiny knives and flying daggers were not my cup of tea. Instead, I chose something that I thought I would be rewarded fairly. I saw the results and though that made me feel a little satiated, every payday and each time the bonus is being announced, just when I thought that I was duly rewarded, some other news will pop out and I would be devastated. Of course people will always say that my job ain't about the $$ and I do not think that the satisfaction from my job can be measured in monetary terms. However, I have to admit that not getting a pay adjustment, seeing your bonus of a similar quantum with people whom seem less able and diligent, having your peers tell you that they had just gotten a promotion or a pay raise and they are more highly paid than you despite not having the same qualifications, etc. it really demoralises you. It leaves me sitting in front of my TV and my laptop in the middle of the night wondering why I should work so hard. I can never be on the side of Communism or Marxism. I hate equality!
Recently, I had just finished reading the book, Superfreakonomics. I can't help but agree with the authors of whom one is an economist. People respond to incentives and there is no such thing as altruism. I am an Economics trained person and yes, I respond to incentives. Our PM said that he will make sure that "consolation prize winners like me" will be duly paid but I don't feel that way at all! I can never be an absolute-looking person. If I were to stare at my own quantum, I should feel happy. But when I know of the quantum that others are getting, I feel like burying myself into my pillow and cry.
With such low morale clouding over me, I really do not see why I should continue in doing what I can do well in. I do not covet for huge riches or fame. I just simply wish that I can be duly rewarded for my effort and the higher authority can keep to their words but everything that I wished for never once came true.
Perhaps everything happens for a reason. I may not be rewarded in monetary terms but He blesses me with good health, safety, etc. Perhaps perhaps perhaps. I just need to vent my frustration for a moment. I just need to make myself feel better emotionally. I just need a break and a holiday to run away. I still want to stay positive. :(
Monday, 18 March 2013
Friday, 1 March 2013
My 2013 so far and results day
Oh well, after that last blog post about changing my lifestyle for 2013, I am really pleased with myself for taking the first step out towards my next phase of life. Yes, less NUA-ing, more disciplined when it comes to planning for the future, etc.
In another 12 hours time, I will be seeing the fruits of my labour for the last 3 years. From the very first day I entered the classroom, I guess this is the moment that I have been preparing for! I had sent text messages to several of the people whom I will be seeing tomorrow and as the clock ticks, I feel my emotions getting more and more out of control. The last time I had to undergo such emotions was 3 years ago when I checked my final semester's results in Japan! This time round, it is not my own academic results that I am checking but it is indirectly a reflection of my ability, hardwork, aptitude, pride, whatever you call it. But most importantly, a lot more is at stake and that is the future of the people who had trusted me in the last 3 years.
We worked and worked to go through the 2 years to see them going for the exam 3 months ago and now, they had been judged and the outcome of this judgment is just hours away. Most of my students worked really hard and I honestly think they deserve a good grade but I cannot judge this time round if they will be duly rewarded.
I have never sat for this exam before but I know that unlike 'O' levels, it is not one that you will get to see only happy and relieved faces. Some will cry inevitably, some will be beyond consolation, some put on a masked happy and smiling face. Whatever the expression, no one knows exactly how their emotions will battle within themselves when they see their results. All that I can do or have been doing all these whiles is nothing but pray.
I told an ex-student that if you put in the effort, you will be duly rewarded. You might not shine but you will definitely not fumble. God will watch over you. I am no Christian, no Catholic, no Buddha or whatever. I always believe that when you trust that there is a greater power out there that is beyond control, you feel assured, more assured. Nevertheless, who am I to say that when I had not been let down academically for the last 10 years or so? Can I truly empathise with the situation? What I had gone through 14 years ago is vaguely present in my memory though I will never forget the disappointment on other people's faces.
In another 12 hours time, I will be seeing the fruits of my labour for the last 3 years. From the very first day I entered the classroom, I guess this is the moment that I have been preparing for! I had sent text messages to several of the people whom I will be seeing tomorrow and as the clock ticks, I feel my emotions getting more and more out of control. The last time I had to undergo such emotions was 3 years ago when I checked my final semester's results in Japan! This time round, it is not my own academic results that I am checking but it is indirectly a reflection of my ability, hardwork, aptitude, pride, whatever you call it. But most importantly, a lot more is at stake and that is the future of the people who had trusted me in the last 3 years.
We worked and worked to go through the 2 years to see them going for the exam 3 months ago and now, they had been judged and the outcome of this judgment is just hours away. Most of my students worked really hard and I honestly think they deserve a good grade but I cannot judge this time round if they will be duly rewarded.
I have never sat for this exam before but I know that unlike 'O' levels, it is not one that you will get to see only happy and relieved faces. Some will cry inevitably, some will be beyond consolation, some put on a masked happy and smiling face. Whatever the expression, no one knows exactly how their emotions will battle within themselves when they see their results. All that I can do or have been doing all these whiles is nothing but pray.
I told an ex-student that if you put in the effort, you will be duly rewarded. You might not shine but you will definitely not fumble. God will watch over you. I am no Christian, no Catholic, no Buddha or whatever. I always believe that when you trust that there is a greater power out there that is beyond control, you feel assured, more assured. Nevertheless, who am I to say that when I had not been let down academically for the last 10 years or so? Can I truly empathise with the situation? What I had gone through 14 years ago is vaguely present in my memory though I will never forget the disappointment on other people's faces.
Wednesday, 26 December 2012
Not a good multi-tasker
I guess much has come to pass me in the last 3 years. After slogging so hard academically for 3.5 years in NUS, I decided to give myself a break and focus on my work and travel adventures. So, 3 years have passed and I have been to the many places that I had dreamt to visit and been there. A year ago, I had a chat with a colleague and he commented that I am not young anymore and should start making plans for myself for the future. At that point in time, I told him I wanted 2 more years of freedom to travel and indulge myself in the things that I like. However, I have decided that I should cut myself less slack and start embarking on my new journey this January. After all, I have given myself a break long enough. 3 years to solely focus on doing my current profession well. I have been to it and been through it and guess it is time I set a new direction for myself. No more of countless claims for work-life balance, NUA-ing, iPhone games and drama serials continuously. Time to put my words into action - dream your dreams and live your dreams.
Happy, Blessed, and fulfilling 2013 ahead!
Happy, Blessed, and fulfilling 2013 ahead!
Just the way you are
Through the sudden mention of a name, a reminiscence of "years ago", an old habit that died hard that made an annual gathering possible, I vividly recalled a conversation I had with an old "friend" a couple of years ago and out of a sudden, a wave of sadness overwhelmed me. Back then, I lost contact with a friend of mine who could be considered to be inseparable from me while in the polytechnic. However, owing to some misunderstanding arising from an incident, our friendship was unofficially pronounced dead. Years later when I reflected upon that incident, I asked myself why there was no attempt to salvage the friendship and the answer was too simple to be accepted. It is because as we age, our commitments increase, be it due to having our life partner, work, faith, or family. Losing contact with one or two friends became a common encounter thus we no longer take it to heart. So, unknowingly, almost 6 years passed without any news of this "ex-best friend" of mine.
Having just lost a friend, I spoke to this other friend of mine reminding her of the importance of keeping in contact with each other till we both kick the bucket. Most importantly, we must continue to communicate with and cherish each other the way we do as students for I know that stepping into the working world will make us become jarred. Nevertheless, my encounters made me disagree with the saying "A leopard will never change its spots" strongly. I think people's mindset do change as they age and especially pre- and post- stepping into the working world. Indeed, a friend who I used to confide in, a friend who I enjoyed her company most days, a friendship that I had hoped would last till the end of time was shattered without any major arguments or conflicts, just due to distance and perhaps a broken heart.
A year ago, I had already realised that we had distanced but at the back of my mind, I always thought, "I guess we are just too busy with our own other commitments." However, we should not forget that we can never be unoccupied or rather we will never choose to let ourselves be unoccupied. In my case, I travel whenever I have holidays thus my absence speaks for the lack in contact. As I am typing this post now, I choose to be truthful to my own feelings and write for myself the reasons why I did not make any fruitful attempt to re-connect with this old pal of mine.
First, I felt that she had become a stranger to me. I find it difficult to strike a conversation out of nothing, unlike the past. Second, I feel that I could no longer recall how I communicated with her back then. Things she did that I found humorous and engaging in the past became childish (a very crude way of putting it across) or rather naive, in my humble opinion now. For that, I definitely attribute it to me being the one who has changed because I have a broader perspective of life, the world, etc., not that I see myself as superior to another. Third, I believe no one can tolerate having someone beside you who constantly requires attention from others. Going all out to pursue your dream and love as a youth is courage and part and parcel of growing up in someone else's eye but not being able to take it in your stride that perhaps certain of these things have come to pass at an older age and then working doubly hard to fight for what you thought had eluded you becomes overcompensation and desperateness at times. Yes, I know that as I am saying this, I sound a little like a cynical old woman who has passed her prime but no one should deny my comment. I should be more encouraging in this instance to a someone who I care about.
So because of the abOve reasons, somehow I feel that our friendship is not of much worth, as in for Me to put in the effort and tiMe to rebuild and then mAintain. As I am typing this post, I do find this a pity because I really value the friendship a lot (just aint sure how much left) but I am not emotional about it. If I could turn back time, I would definitely have done things differently to try to preserve the friendship because I would love for things to go back to its original status quo. Nonetheless, I doubt I will take the step to mend the friendship now because I ain't sure whether the other party shares my sentiments. It takes two hands to clap. To put across a fair word for myself, I did attempt to sound the person out and maintain contact but things worked otherwise. As a matured adult whose life priorities are entirely distinct from a teenager, this is not considered a friendship problem that will upset me. And for that, I feel so sorry for and guilty towards this friend of mine. And I wonder, what has become of me? The friendship definitely holds sentimental value to me but I can now better manage my emotions and not let it affect me I guess.
Ten or twenty years down the road or maybe when I am at my deathbed, I might regret why is it that I had not made my feelings known earlier and try to maintain this friendship. But life is full of uncertainties and it is indeed uncertainty that we fear the most. If someday this friend of mine chances upon this post and become conscious of her being the intended recipient, there will only be two outcomes. One, something will be done to repair this friendship and we may really be able to return to the past or we will simply move on with our lives. Two, we are no longer friends.
Every step and decision in life is a gamble, like it or not. You win some and you lose some and eventually they even out. Call this attitude of mine, nonchalant - coming to terms too easily could be a good thing but to others, this could be considered to be 'bo-chap' and can be considerably irritating at times.
Maybe, the older the wiser. We become less happy as we age because we pay less attention to the non-material aspect of living e.g. socializing but more towards the material aspects such as cash, holidays, car, assets etc. This is all because we want to be in control and the material things are things that we can proclaim as OURS but never the non-material ones.
p/s: which one of us here has never lost a close friend? So ask yourself, why is it that you did not attempt to try to salvage the friendship? You will then understand the message that I am trying to put across. But do not despair when you feel that you seemed to have lost a friendship. Sometimes all you need is a text message, a phone call, an email, or even a gathering to find back those treasured times but the constant worry is: Should I take the first step and if I do, would it change things? Well, we can never correctly predict the future and every tomorrow is a mystery that has only two outcomes - for better or for worst.
Having just lost a friend, I spoke to this other friend of mine reminding her of the importance of keeping in contact with each other till we both kick the bucket. Most importantly, we must continue to communicate with and cherish each other the way we do as students for I know that stepping into the working world will make us become jarred. Nevertheless, my encounters made me disagree with the saying "A leopard will never change its spots" strongly. I think people's mindset do change as they age and especially pre- and post- stepping into the working world. Indeed, a friend who I used to confide in, a friend who I enjoyed her company most days, a friendship that I had hoped would last till the end of time was shattered without any major arguments or conflicts, just due to distance and perhaps a broken heart.
A year ago, I had already realised that we had distanced but at the back of my mind, I always thought, "I guess we are just too busy with our own other commitments." However, we should not forget that we can never be unoccupied or rather we will never choose to let ourselves be unoccupied. In my case, I travel whenever I have holidays thus my absence speaks for the lack in contact. As I am typing this post now, I choose to be truthful to my own feelings and write for myself the reasons why I did not make any fruitful attempt to re-connect with this old pal of mine.
First, I felt that she had become a stranger to me. I find it difficult to strike a conversation out of nothing, unlike the past. Second, I feel that I could no longer recall how I communicated with her back then. Things she did that I found humorous and engaging in the past became childish (a very crude way of putting it across) or rather naive, in my humble opinion now. For that, I definitely attribute it to me being the one who has changed because I have a broader perspective of life, the world, etc., not that I see myself as superior to another. Third, I believe no one can tolerate having someone beside you who constantly requires attention from others. Going all out to pursue your dream and love as a youth is courage and part and parcel of growing up in someone else's eye but not being able to take it in your stride that perhaps certain of these things have come to pass at an older age and then working doubly hard to fight for what you thought had eluded you becomes overcompensation and desperateness at times. Yes, I know that as I am saying this, I sound a little like a cynical old woman who has passed her prime but no one should deny my comment. I should be more encouraging in this instance to a someone who I care about.
So because of the abOve reasons, somehow I feel that our friendship is not of much worth, as in for Me to put in the effort and tiMe to rebuild and then mAintain. As I am typing this post, I do find this a pity because I really value the friendship a lot (just aint sure how much left) but I am not emotional about it. If I could turn back time, I would definitely have done things differently to try to preserve the friendship because I would love for things to go back to its original status quo. Nonetheless, I doubt I will take the step to mend the friendship now because I ain't sure whether the other party shares my sentiments. It takes two hands to clap. To put across a fair word for myself, I did attempt to sound the person out and maintain contact but things worked otherwise. As a matured adult whose life priorities are entirely distinct from a teenager, this is not considered a friendship problem that will upset me. And for that, I feel so sorry for and guilty towards this friend of mine. And I wonder, what has become of me? The friendship definitely holds sentimental value to me but I can now better manage my emotions and not let it affect me I guess.
Ten or twenty years down the road or maybe when I am at my deathbed, I might regret why is it that I had not made my feelings known earlier and try to maintain this friendship. But life is full of uncertainties and it is indeed uncertainty that we fear the most. If someday this friend of mine chances upon this post and become conscious of her being the intended recipient, there will only be two outcomes. One, something will be done to repair this friendship and we may really be able to return to the past or we will simply move on with our lives. Two, we are no longer friends.
Every step and decision in life is a gamble, like it or not. You win some and you lose some and eventually they even out. Call this attitude of mine, nonchalant - coming to terms too easily could be a good thing but to others, this could be considered to be 'bo-chap' and can be considerably irritating at times.
Maybe, the older the wiser. We become less happy as we age because we pay less attention to the non-material aspect of living e.g. socializing but more towards the material aspects such as cash, holidays, car, assets etc. This is all because we want to be in control and the material things are things that we can proclaim as OURS but never the non-material ones.
p/s: which one of us here has never lost a close friend? So ask yourself, why is it that you did not attempt to try to salvage the friendship? You will then understand the message that I am trying to put across. But do not despair when you feel that you seemed to have lost a friendship. Sometimes all you need is a text message, a phone call, an email, or even a gathering to find back those treasured times but the constant worry is: Should I take the first step and if I do, would it change things? Well, we can never correctly predict the future and every tomorrow is a mystery that has only two outcomes - for better or for worst.
Friday, 21 December 2012
21.12.2012 End of the world
If 21.12.2012 is really the day the world will end, how would you spend it? What are some of the funniest reads that you have come across?
A: Dear family and friends, if tomorrow is not end of the world and we can still contact each other...Please note that I will be changing my handphone number to 9xxxxxxx.
B: If tomorrow is the end of the world, then I cannot sleep tonight. I must live my 24 hours to its fullest.
C: Since people predict that tomorrow is the end of the world and the way the world end will be total darkness, apparently the M******** have brought a lot of candles.
Have you stored enough food to live in total darkness tomorrow?
A: Dear family and friends, if tomorrow is not end of the world and we can still contact each other...Please note that I will be changing my handphone number to 9xxxxxxx.
B: If tomorrow is the end of the world, then I cannot sleep tonight. I must live my 24 hours to its fullest.
C: Since people predict that tomorrow is the end of the world and the way the world end will be total darkness, apparently the M******** have brought a lot of candles.
Have you stored enough food to live in total darkness tomorrow?
如果 21.12.2012 真的是世界末日，那你认为你的此生是否没有白白活过？
我是个已经走过我人生的四分之一的人了。虽然不曾轰轰烈离，但我也已经实现了人生许许多多的梦想，总算不妄此生。
期待一趟旅程精彩万分，你不该再等
别到荒废青春，用尽体温才开始悔恨
期待一种永恒，即使伤痕，也奋不顾身
生命还没有黄昏，下一站，你的第二人生。
过了明天，倘若还侥幸地活着，我相信我一定要展开我的新旅程了！
Friday, 14 December 2012
Love
Why this title suddenly? Recently, there are too many incidents that made me learnt the importance of counting my blessings.
Story #1: Why bad things happen to good people?
Story #1: Why bad things happen to good people?
6 months ago, my buddies and I embarked on a road trip to US and it was indeed a splendid adventure that made us linger for more upon returning. 5 months later, some of my friends did the same and went to NZ. The most unfortunate thing that one can think of easily was that they got into a car accident and the consequences were unthinkable. It was a fatal car crash that led to 1 death and 4 injuries, 1 major and 3 minor. One of my friends who happened to be the car driver is now stuck in NZ.
By the time I got to know about the news, I was very shaken and at the same time upset over why we weren't informed earlier. It is not as if we could have done anything much to help but having an extra brain definitely helps. When it happened, I started to question myself and the common question of the existence of God. Both of my friends are extremely kind-hearted souls who harbour no ill thoughts all their lives. All they ask for is an ordinary life - fulfill their academic pursuits, find a decent paying job, get into a normal relationship, get married and raise a family. So what have they done to deserve such a traumatic experience that will scar their lives forever? Besides, they actively volunteer at the home for physically challenged. Haven't they accumulated what we always coin as "good karma?" Why did such an accident happen to them and where was the Great HE when all these happen?
I know that eventually all of these will pass and we will return to our usual lifestyle - work, idle, travel, gather, etc. God may not have blessed them for the trip but I am sure he will bless them to start afresh. The accident made me realise how much I LOVE these friends of mine and how much i wish and pray for their safety and happiness always. :)
This saga was reported in the news and online as well and the comments by some of the netizens stirred up a lot of emotions. Comments include those like "young punk, rich and reckless - now you caused the death of someone, stupid Singaporeans who blame others for causing the death of their citizens, now you caused the demise of others, etc." It then made me realise how much we enjoy being judges, passing remarks and sentences on people whom we don't know etc. Truth to be told, if I were to just read the report without knowledge of who the driver was, I would also jump to the conclusion that it must be a young, rich and reckless driver. However, having known the identity and character of the involved driver, I was very perturbed by the comments simply because I know he does not have any of the attributes raised by the netizens.
So the incident reinforced what my job has taught me - Do not be too quick to pass judgements on others, especially under circumstances of imperfect knowledge.
Story #2: Love makes or breaks
Male lead: Smart, suave, pretty good-looking, bright future
Female lead: all of the above
To everyone else, they were the perfect match. 5 years ago, the male lead broke up with his girlfriend who had been with him for 7 years because he was too in love with the female lead. 4 years later, the female lead broke up with him to be with someone else. I saw for myself how the male lead's confidence level fell to rock bottom, lost all smiles, and felt like the world had abandoned him.
Love is a very complicated affair. It brings bittersweet memories that makes people linger for more, just like drugs. It brings joy and lessens unhappiness because you've someone to share the ups and downs, whims and fancies of life and you no longer feel lonely. Nevertheless, you will have your fair share of arguments along the way and not everyone meets the perfect someone at the very first attempt. No pain, no gain.
TBC....
TBC....
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
12.12.12
After having gone through many of the 08.08.08, 09.09.09, 10.10.10, 11.11.11, this is the last chance in this lifetime that we will see a same day, month, and year date. Such a special day happens to fall a day after my birthday. This is the most peaceful birthday that I have had in decades. :) No celebration of any sorts, just like any other day in my life. I guess that comes with growing old. That we get sick of celebrating occasions of all sorts, maybe because we have gone through it many times and are seeing things as a routine rather than as a special occasion. Or perhaps, it is because time passes too quickly in adulthood that it seemed like yesterday that we just celebrated that special occasion.
But still, I love my birthday. :) It is the one day amongst the 365 days of the year that I feel that it is an unique day. :) 11.12.12! :)
But still, I love my birthday. :) It is the one day amongst the 365 days of the year that I feel that it is an unique day. :) 11.12.12! :)
Sunday, 2 December 2012
Ending 2012
This is a long overdue post as I was supposed to have blogged about this 2 weeks ago after sending my first batch of graduating students through the torturous 'A' levels that I intelligently escaped 10 years ago. The past two years have been h'ell yeah of a roller-coaster ride I admit. Different emotions set in at different periods of the two years, some positive, others negative but we kept going. I would quote what one of the students said, "The journey was long and tough, but fortunately we had you." I am glad to have them in my life for the past 2 years as well.
Starting out as a rookie in this field, I would say that I was daring enough to try out a lot of new pedagogies to arouse my students' interest in the subject in the first year. However, I had to balance it with the rigour I need to infuse in my lessons to make sure that the kids will eventually be ready for the final battle. Indeed, completing a full cycle helps like what the old guards say. Truth to be told, my profession is one that does not help with prior job training. Everything is hands-on and you learn on the job. Needless to say, when it comes to learning, there are no boundaries and even though I have completed one cycle, I am still learning.
I am fortunate in the sense that my strength lies in my ability to build rapport with the students. It is definitely not something that is easy because I strongly believe that you can never replicate relationships in life. We take on different roles in our everyday life and because of these different roles, we have to behave differently. I am stern in some classes while I smile and laugh more often in some others. But who I am outside of the classroom defines who I am as a person outside of my profession.
Of course, I struggled with the demands of the job as well. I am generally impatient by nature and I hate having to repeat myself. I always believe that when you focus and listen to someone impart knowledge and you jot it down and revise diligently, you will understand and remember the words of wisdom. You do not need people to keep reminding you. However, I was proved otherwise repeatedly in the past 2 years. But I am working on my weaknesses. I have learnt to be more tolerant of mistakes (unforgivable and fundamental ones), develop more patience, and be more accepting of non-chalance towards learning and the betterment of oneself through education. I have learnt about the value of life and happiness, not judged based on wealth, material comfort, and intelligence alone but by character, potential, attitude, and knowing and doing what you really like. But I do not condone complete freedom. After all, it is a double-edged sword.
Not only have I matured as an adult, I think my students have matured as well. Like I told some of them, I see boys turning into men, see girls becoming women, see youths having a vision of their future and dreaming dreams and hopefully, living their dreams in the near future. Perhaps I am a more sentimental person. I always believe that the older the better and the first, the most unforgettable. I had built up such positive relationships with the students, some more of friends rather than students and we had gotten so used to each other's teaching methods and learning styles. However, come next year, I would have to start all over again. I guess my past experiences should no longer make me cringe over the fact that I had to start afresh again but you cannot hide the emotions, can you?
My vision of the classroom was one filled with intellectual debates, interest and curiousity revolving the subject matter and proactive learners who raised questions and clarified doubts. Needless to say, you need a good game master i.e. the teacher to facilitate all of these. No doubt the past two years had not been completely what I envisioned but I am someone who loves surprises. Indeed, I enjoyed the moments in the classroom and every time I seized a teachable moment outside of the classroom, I become an overjoyed kid who had just been treated to ice-cream.
In my 19 years of education, I met a few educators who touched my heart through every subtle ways and they all happened to be my professors in NUS. They gave me astute academic advices which ensued my success in the university. That made me see the importance and value of becoming an educator that MAKES A DIFFERENCE. That kept me giving selflessly in this profession because like them, I see and value the value of my role, no matter how minute the influence can be. Like what MM Lee says, "Love the woman you marry." Though I may not visit them as often as I would like to, may not express my gratitude for them in more explicit ways (not like Tuesdays with Morrie) and I think only one of them remembers me, I believe that when you truly wish for someone to be good, that person will be grateful to you from the bottom of her heart and will remember you. Not everyone needs expensive gifts or exaggerated thank-you speeches when they offer a helping hand. At least I don't.
In my life, I chase after perfection and I achieve every little dream of mine through my blood, sweat, tears, and beyond that, the support of my loved ones around me. I sense the ownership in what I have today and I am a strong believer of "You reap what you sow." However, this profession has sometimes taken me by surprise. The students have shown and given me awards that I could not have clinched based on my own effort, belief and motivation that had allowed me to paddle on in the toughest times. But having to say "thank you" has always been my soft spot and is a dangerous zone that I never dare trespass. Anyway, deep down from the bottom of my heart, I wish for a thank-you gift that is much more simpler - that they will remember the life's lessons in class and what I did to shape their character, hoping for them to become someone who finds true happiness. And of course, doing well for their 'A' levels could be one thing that can make them happy at this stage in their lives.
Starting out as a rookie in this field, I would say that I was daring enough to try out a lot of new pedagogies to arouse my students' interest in the subject in the first year. However, I had to balance it with the rigour I need to infuse in my lessons to make sure that the kids will eventually be ready for the final battle. Indeed, completing a full cycle helps like what the old guards say. Truth to be told, my profession is one that does not help with prior job training. Everything is hands-on and you learn on the job. Needless to say, when it comes to learning, there are no boundaries and even though I have completed one cycle, I am still learning.
I am fortunate in the sense that my strength lies in my ability to build rapport with the students. It is definitely not something that is easy because I strongly believe that you can never replicate relationships in life. We take on different roles in our everyday life and because of these different roles, we have to behave differently. I am stern in some classes while I smile and laugh more often in some others. But who I am outside of the classroom defines who I am as a person outside of my profession.
Of course, I struggled with the demands of the job as well. I am generally impatient by nature and I hate having to repeat myself. I always believe that when you focus and listen to someone impart knowledge and you jot it down and revise diligently, you will understand and remember the words of wisdom. You do not need people to keep reminding you. However, I was proved otherwise repeatedly in the past 2 years. But I am working on my weaknesses. I have learnt to be more tolerant of mistakes (unforgivable and fundamental ones), develop more patience, and be more accepting of non-chalance towards learning and the betterment of oneself through education. I have learnt about the value of life and happiness, not judged based on wealth, material comfort, and intelligence alone but by character, potential, attitude, and knowing and doing what you really like. But I do not condone complete freedom. After all, it is a double-edged sword.
Not only have I matured as an adult, I think my students have matured as well. Like I told some of them, I see boys turning into men, see girls becoming women, see youths having a vision of their future and dreaming dreams and hopefully, living their dreams in the near future. Perhaps I am a more sentimental person. I always believe that the older the better and the first, the most unforgettable. I had built up such positive relationships with the students, some more of friends rather than students and we had gotten so used to each other's teaching methods and learning styles. However, come next year, I would have to start all over again. I guess my past experiences should no longer make me cringe over the fact that I had to start afresh again but you cannot hide the emotions, can you?
My vision of the classroom was one filled with intellectual debates, interest and curiousity revolving the subject matter and proactive learners who raised questions and clarified doubts. Needless to say, you need a good game master i.e. the teacher to facilitate all of these. No doubt the past two years had not been completely what I envisioned but I am someone who loves surprises. Indeed, I enjoyed the moments in the classroom and every time I seized a teachable moment outside of the classroom, I become an overjoyed kid who had just been treated to ice-cream.
In my 19 years of education, I met a few educators who touched my heart through every subtle ways and they all happened to be my professors in NUS. They gave me astute academic advices which ensued my success in the university. That made me see the importance and value of becoming an educator that MAKES A DIFFERENCE. That kept me giving selflessly in this profession because like them, I see and value the value of my role, no matter how minute the influence can be. Like what MM Lee says, "Love the woman you marry." Though I may not visit them as often as I would like to, may not express my gratitude for them in more explicit ways (not like Tuesdays with Morrie) and I think only one of them remembers me, I believe that when you truly wish for someone to be good, that person will be grateful to you from the bottom of her heart and will remember you. Not everyone needs expensive gifts or exaggerated thank-you speeches when they offer a helping hand. At least I don't.
In my life, I chase after perfection and I achieve every little dream of mine through my blood, sweat, tears, and beyond that, the support of my loved ones around me. I sense the ownership in what I have today and I am a strong believer of "You reap what you sow." However, this profession has sometimes taken me by surprise. The students have shown and given me awards that I could not have clinched based on my own effort, belief and motivation that had allowed me to paddle on in the toughest times. But having to say "thank you" has always been my soft spot and is a dangerous zone that I never dare trespass. Anyway, deep down from the bottom of my heart, I wish for a thank-you gift that is much more simpler - that they will remember the life's lessons in class and what I did to shape their character, hoping for them to become someone who finds true happiness. And of course, doing well for their 'A' levels could be one thing that can make them happy at this stage in their lives.
Life is short.As a conclusion to the splendid 2 years of 2011 and 2012, I thank all my students from the bottom of my heart for the past 2 years of memories. The laughter in the classroom, the energy on the tennis and badminton courts, the endless stacks of essays, the adrenaline rush of seeing both fantastic and blood-vomitting essays, the friendships and of course, life's lessons.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about dancing in the rain.
Life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself.