Through the sudden mention of a name, a reminiscence of "years ago", an old habit that died hard that made an annual gathering possible, I vividly recalled a conversation I had with an old "friend" a couple of years ago and out of a sudden, a wave of sadness overwhelmed me. Back then, I lost contact with a friend of mine who could be considered to be inseparable from me while in the polytechnic. However, owing to some misunderstanding arising from an incident, our friendship was unofficially pronounced dead. Years later when I reflected upon that incident, I asked myself why there was no attempt to salvage the friendship and the answer was too simple to be accepted. It is because as we age, our commitments increase, be it due to having our life partner, work, faith, or family. Losing contact with one or two friends became a common encounter thus we no longer take it to heart. So, unknowingly, almost 6 years passed without any news of this "ex-best friend" of mine.
Having just lost a friend, I spoke to this other friend of mine reminding her of the importance of keeping in contact with each other till we both kick the bucket. Most importantly, we must continue to communicate with and cherish each other the way we do as students for I know that stepping into the working world will make us become jarred. Nevertheless, my encounters made me disagree with the saying "A leopard will never change its spots" strongly. I think people's mindset do change as they age and especially pre- and post- stepping into the working world. Indeed, a friend who I used to confide in, a friend who I enjoyed her company most days, a friendship that I had hoped would last till the end of time was shattered without any major arguments or conflicts, just due to distance and perhaps a broken heart.
A year ago, I had already realised that we had distanced but at the back of my mind, I always thought, "I guess we are just too busy with our own other commitments." However, we should not forget that we can never be unoccupied or rather we will never choose to let ourselves be unoccupied. In my case, I travel whenever I have holidays thus my absence speaks for the lack in contact. As I am typing this post now, I choose to be truthful to my own feelings and write for myself the reasons why I did not make any fruitful attempt to re-connect with this old pal of mine.
First, I felt that she had become a stranger to me. I find it difficult to strike a conversation out of nothing, unlike the past. Second, I feel that I could no longer recall how I communicated with her back then. Things she did that I found humorous and engaging in the past became childish (a very crude way of putting it across) or rather naive, in my humble opinion now. For that, I definitely attribute it to me being the one who has changed because I have a broader perspective of life, the world, etc., not that I see myself as superior to another. Third, I believe no one can tolerate having someone beside you who constantly requires attention from others. Going all out to pursue your dream and love as a youth is courage and part and parcel of growing up in someone else's eye but not being able to take it in your stride that perhaps certain of these things have come to pass at an older age and then working doubly hard to fight for what you thought had eluded you becomes overcompensation and desperateness at times. Yes, I know that as I am saying this, I sound a little like a cynical old woman who has passed her prime but no one should deny my comment. I should be more encouraging in this instance to a someone who I care about.
So because of the abOve reasons, somehow I feel that our friendship is not of much worth, as in for Me to put in the effort and tiMe to rebuild and then mAintain. As I am typing this post, I do find this a pity because I really value the friendship a lot (just aint sure how much left) but I am not emotional about it. If I could turn back time, I would definitely have done things differently to try to preserve the friendship because I would love for things to go back to its original status quo. Nonetheless, I doubt I will take the step to mend the friendship now because I ain't sure whether the other party shares my sentiments. It takes two hands to clap. To put across a fair word for myself, I did attempt to sound the person out and maintain contact but things worked otherwise. As a matured adult whose life priorities are entirely distinct from a teenager, this is not considered a friendship problem that will upset me. And for that, I feel so sorry for and guilty towards this friend of mine. And I wonder, what has become of me? The friendship definitely holds sentimental value to me but I can now better manage my emotions and not let it affect me I guess.
Ten or twenty years down the road or maybe when I am at my deathbed, I might regret why is it that I had not made my feelings known earlier and try to maintain this friendship. But life is full of uncertainties and it is indeed uncertainty that we fear the most. If someday this friend of mine chances upon this post and become conscious of her being the intended recipient, there will only be two outcomes. One, something will be done to repair this friendship and we may really be able to return to the past or we will simply move on with our lives. Two, we are no longer friends.
Every step and decision in life is a gamble, like it or not. You win some and you lose some and eventually they even out. Call this attitude of mine, nonchalant - coming to terms too easily could be a good thing but to others, this could be considered to be 'bo-chap' and can be considerably irritating at times.
Maybe, the older the wiser. We become less happy as we age because we pay less attention to the non-material aspect of living e.g. socializing but more towards the material aspects such as cash, holidays, car, assets etc. This is all because we want to be in control and the material things are things that we can proclaim as OURS but never the non-material ones.
p/s: which one of us here has never lost a close friend? So ask yourself, why is it that you did not attempt to try to salvage the friendship? You will then understand the message that I am trying to put across. But do not despair when you feel that you seemed to have lost a friendship. Sometimes all you need is a text message, a phone call, an email, or even a gathering to find back those treasured times but the constant worry is: Should I take the first step and if I do, would it change things? Well, we can never correctly predict the future and every tomorrow is a mystery that has only two outcomes - for better or for worst.
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