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What about myself? How much do people know about my family and I? I grew up in the typical low-income family where the concept of family is loosely entangled on the paternal side but more entrenched on the maternal side. Born as the single and youngest son, my dad had two elder sisters, one married to a decent guy capable of providing her the material needs and blessed with children who are both capable and filial, while the other was mentally challenged and led a solitary life. The notion of the responsibilities of a father to my dad is one which I deem "poor and lacking in depth" since he grew up without a father himself to shower him with love.
Conversely, my mom was brought up in a more complete yet big and poor family. Being the 2nd child in the family, she was trained to be a motherly figure since she had to assist my grandma to take care of her younger siblings. Nonetheless, she is someone who is equipped with diligence to make up for her lack of education and intellect.
I was brought into the family 5 years after my parent's marriage and 3 years younger than my elder brother. Being financially burdened, both my parents have to work to support their respective families and the newly synthesized one, resulting in me being sent under my maternal grandma's care. So for the first 10 years of my life, I was raised by my maternal grandma, going to my genuine home only on weekends to visit my paternal grandma and my dad since they lived together. At the age of 10, my mother, sensing the lack of family bonding between my dad and us decided that we should leave our grandma's care and be back to where we belong, our real home. Despite living under the same roof for the next 5 years with my paternal grandma and till present with my dad, the intended and anticipated bond was never developed.
Now, as I am typing this post, my paternal grandma is no longer with us. She left us while I was on SEP last April. It may seem that I am cold-blooded when I say that I do not miss her or has never ever dropped a single tear for her departure but I hate hiding the facts. For someone who has never shed a single bit of effort or shower a lil love, I do not see why I should miss her presence. Sometimes, I think she influenced my dad in such a way that love is scarced at home. People always try to preach about "When someone doesn't love you the way you want, it doesn't mean that they don't love you." but to me, that's crap. We all want to be loved in the way we desire. Ask yourself, do you find that you love someone lesser when she or he does not reciprocate in the way you want? For me, I have always been sure of that.
My family background nurtured me into an independent person, someone who relies on herself, acquire and achieve everything and success by her own hands, own effort and own ability. For the past 22 years of my life, I constantly remind myself that I am the change that I want to see in the world. I foresee that I should in no way rely on my parents for my own desires otherwise I will end up with nothing.
At times, I just do not comprehend their actions and thinking plus attitude. Since young, my siblings and I have to tolerate with the lack of space to contain ourselves and our stuff. We never had a room of our own less to say decorate it. That makes me ponder, if you love yourself more than you love your children, then stay single or childless since you will be reluctant to sacrifice for their sakes. If you think you can compromise your children's needs and wants so as to please someone else or for other personal physical wants or needs, then do not let them come into the world in the first place.
Like my sister said before, if you think having a clean and tidy house and clean and white clothings are more important than bonding well with your children, then why bother about their existence? My mom's priorities in life are being able to strike a balance between work and home so that she maintains the house in top quality living conditions and of course, she is also the role model as a DAUGHTER and a WIFE but not a MOTHER! She does not ill-treat us but she always see MONEY as being more important than us! Why?! I know that she has made a lot of sacrifices for us as well and that she really loves us but like I said, it is not the way that I want it to be!
When you switch on the tv at night, she tells you to lower the volume because she thinks that we are disturbing our dad and our neighbours when the volume is already so soft that you can't even hear it from the corridor. When you take a break from working on the laptop in the room and tune in to a few moments of tv programmes, she switches off your fans and lights in the room and make the room so hot and stuffy when you get back in. What is wrong with that few more minutes of electricity bill being incurred? When I went on SEP, the last thing that ever occured to her was giving me a few hundreds to spend. It is not as though that few hundreds will ever matter to me but at least, it is the thought that counts. Then when I came back from SEP, she tried to make up for it by buying the food stuff that I missed during CNY like abalone or bak kwa. I did not want to disappoint her but honestly, I do not crave for those things as much as they deem I would. All these years, she has been throwing me the tantrums whenever someone else offended her or she got fed up with the tumbling housework after work. What have I done to incur her wrath and deserve such treatment? You are not deserving and am in no position to comment about someone else showing favouritism when you yourself is an exact replica of that someone whom you are criticising. When someone realise that she had done so little for you and tried to make up for it, I can only say "It's too late to apologise". It may seem that I am rebellious and show too little respect for my mom as I said all these, but this is the family I grew up in.! In future, I will do my part as my daughter but I think I will never be able to love her as much as I love myself and I am apologetic about that.
When you enjoy living in contentment, it does not equate to your child enjoying being in the same state as you. My dad only knows how to complain about having to work extra hours and his excuses being that he feels tired because age is catching up on him and he doesn't care about the extra income as his motto in life is to live in contentment. But he doesn't think about us, about wanting improvement in our living standards, having the choices like what other kids have but because of his selfish and self-centered thoughts, it never came across to his mind that he should work a little harder and save a bit more so that his kids will benefit from his hardwork and savings. His chauvunistic and strong ego determined that he is and will always be a nobody in life. I hate to say that about him but at least that is what I see. And I loathe it when he tries to exerts his authoritative figure at home when someone does something that displeases him. He comes out with the insulting and sacrastic remarks like "Why do I pay for your education and end up with you lacking common sense?" or "What dad tells you can never be wrong." Move on with times and stop hugging that conventional school of thought that a father is always right! It gets on my nerves having to put on smiles in front of my paternal relatives and having being reminded each time when we meet to greet them to display the good mannerism that we were inculcated with.
He thinks that by paying for your education (i.e. school fees and buying textbooks and uniform) means he has fulfilled his responsibility as a father. He assumes that providing the basic necessities, a roof, clothes to wear and food to eat will increase our utility. I feel like shouting out to him, "WAKE UP!" Can you show some care and concern to our non-physical well-being? Stop being the smart aleck and try to push your weight around. I guess I am the only one in the household who is daring enough to talk back to him because I feel the need to change and be radical.
To be honest, I do not feel the warmth that I ought to at home. No doubt my siblings are very supportive of whatever I do and we are really very closely bonded but I never like being at home. While my brother and sister were overseas, I spent much of my time out of the house too. I really envy my peers who have parents who plan for them, such that they never have to worry about having a penny or not having the resources to pursue what they want in life. My experiences make me ponder, should I ever start a family of my own? The concept of a family to me is one that is beautiful, hitherto, but will I be able to live out my own expectations in the near future of my own dream family?
I ain't got a clue why I am ranting about all these right now, perhaps because of some unhappy and minor incidents that created a big hoo-ha and make a hill out of a molehill. I hate to be a quitter but whenever faced with such tensions and pressure, I feel the need to run away once again. Being financially independent (which I am only at midpoint now) entitles me to leave, to live out my own dreams!
Conversely, my mom was brought up in a more complete yet big and poor family. Being the 2nd child in the family, she was trained to be a motherly figure since she had to assist my grandma to take care of her younger siblings. Nonetheless, she is someone who is equipped with diligence to make up for her lack of education and intellect.
I was brought into the family 5 years after my parent's marriage and 3 years younger than my elder brother. Being financially burdened, both my parents have to work to support their respective families and the newly synthesized one, resulting in me being sent under my maternal grandma's care. So for the first 10 years of my life, I was raised by my maternal grandma, going to my genuine home only on weekends to visit my paternal grandma and my dad since they lived together. At the age of 10, my mother, sensing the lack of family bonding between my dad and us decided that we should leave our grandma's care and be back to where we belong, our real home. Despite living under the same roof for the next 5 years with my paternal grandma and till present with my dad, the intended and anticipated bond was never developed.
Now, as I am typing this post, my paternal grandma is no longer with us. She left us while I was on SEP last April. It may seem that I am cold-blooded when I say that I do not miss her or has never ever dropped a single tear for her departure but I hate hiding the facts. For someone who has never shed a single bit of effort or shower a lil love, I do not see why I should miss her presence. Sometimes, I think she influenced my dad in such a way that love is scarced at home. People always try to preach about "When someone doesn't love you the way you want, it doesn't mean that they don't love you." but to me, that's crap. We all want to be loved in the way we desire. Ask yourself, do you find that you love someone lesser when she or he does not reciprocate in the way you want? For me, I have always been sure of that.
My family background nurtured me into an independent person, someone who relies on herself, acquire and achieve everything and success by her own hands, own effort and own ability. For the past 22 years of my life, I constantly remind myself that I am the change that I want to see in the world. I foresee that I should in no way rely on my parents for my own desires otherwise I will end up with nothing.
At times, I just do not comprehend their actions and thinking plus attitude. Since young, my siblings and I have to tolerate with the lack of space to contain ourselves and our stuff. We never had a room of our own less to say decorate it. That makes me ponder, if you love yourself more than you love your children, then stay single or childless since you will be reluctant to sacrifice for their sakes. If you think you can compromise your children's needs and wants so as to please someone else or for other personal physical wants or needs, then do not let them come into the world in the first place.
Like my sister said before, if you think having a clean and tidy house and clean and white clothings are more important than bonding well with your children, then why bother about their existence? My mom's priorities in life are being able to strike a balance between work and home so that she maintains the house in top quality living conditions and of course, she is also the role model as a DAUGHTER and a WIFE but not a MOTHER! She does not ill-treat us but she always see MONEY as being more important than us! Why?! I know that she has made a lot of sacrifices for us as well and that she really loves us but like I said, it is not the way that I want it to be!
When you switch on the tv at night, she tells you to lower the volume because she thinks that we are disturbing our dad and our neighbours when the volume is already so soft that you can't even hear it from the corridor. When you take a break from working on the laptop in the room and tune in to a few moments of tv programmes, she switches off your fans and lights in the room and make the room so hot and stuffy when you get back in. What is wrong with that few more minutes of electricity bill being incurred? When I went on SEP, the last thing that ever occured to her was giving me a few hundreds to spend. It is not as though that few hundreds will ever matter to me but at least, it is the thought that counts. Then when I came back from SEP, she tried to make up for it by buying the food stuff that I missed during CNY like abalone or bak kwa. I did not want to disappoint her but honestly, I do not crave for those things as much as they deem I would. All these years, she has been throwing me the tantrums whenever someone else offended her or she got fed up with the tumbling housework after work. What have I done to incur her wrath and deserve such treatment? You are not deserving and am in no position to comment about someone else showing favouritism when you yourself is an exact replica of that someone whom you are criticising. When someone realise that she had done so little for you and tried to make up for it, I can only say "It's too late to apologise". It may seem that I am rebellious and show too little respect for my mom as I said all these, but this is the family I grew up in.! In future, I will do my part as my daughter but I think I will never be able to love her as much as I love myself and I am apologetic about that.
When you enjoy living in contentment, it does not equate to your child enjoying being in the same state as you. My dad only knows how to complain about having to work extra hours and his excuses being that he feels tired because age is catching up on him and he doesn't care about the extra income as his motto in life is to live in contentment. But he doesn't think about us, about wanting improvement in our living standards, having the choices like what other kids have but because of his selfish and self-centered thoughts, it never came across to his mind that he should work a little harder and save a bit more so that his kids will benefit from his hardwork and savings. His chauvunistic and strong ego determined that he is and will always be a nobody in life. I hate to say that about him but at least that is what I see. And I loathe it when he tries to exerts his authoritative figure at home when someone does something that displeases him. He comes out with the insulting and sacrastic remarks like "Why do I pay for your education and end up with you lacking common sense?" or "What dad tells you can never be wrong." Move on with times and stop hugging that conventional school of thought that a father is always right! It gets on my nerves having to put on smiles in front of my paternal relatives and having being reminded each time when we meet to greet them to display the good mannerism that we were inculcated with.
He thinks that by paying for your education (i.e. school fees and buying textbooks and uniform) means he has fulfilled his responsibility as a father. He assumes that providing the basic necessities, a roof, clothes to wear and food to eat will increase our utility. I feel like shouting out to him, "WAKE UP!" Can you show some care and concern to our non-physical well-being? Stop being the smart aleck and try to push your weight around. I guess I am the only one in the household who is daring enough to talk back to him because I feel the need to change and be radical.
To be honest, I do not feel the warmth that I ought to at home. No doubt my siblings are very supportive of whatever I do and we are really very closely bonded but I never like being at home. While my brother and sister were overseas, I spent much of my time out of the house too. I really envy my peers who have parents who plan for them, such that they never have to worry about having a penny or not having the resources to pursue what they want in life. My experiences make me ponder, should I ever start a family of my own? The concept of a family to me is one that is beautiful, hitherto, but will I be able to live out my own expectations in the near future of my own dream family?
I ain't got a clue why I am ranting about all these right now, perhaps because of some unhappy and minor incidents that created a big hoo-ha and make a hill out of a molehill. I hate to be a quitter but whenever faced with such tensions and pressure, I feel the need to run away once again. Being financially independent (which I am only at midpoint now) entitles me to leave, to live out my own dreams!
