The intellect

I was going through my past posts randomly and realise that I am lacking a bit of the intellectual posts nowadays. Rambles and grumbles make the headlines every now and then instead. :( Perhaps it is all due to the uncertainty and disappointment that is hovering above me. 3/4 of the semester has already gone by and honestly, I am not doing that well nowadays. It seems to me that not only have i lost the drive to study, the motivation and determination to do well is evading exponentially. Seeing most of my friends gearing up for convocation and graduation really puts me in an even more uncomfortable position and stirring up emotional imbalance within me. Was my decision to go for Honors exactly right and impartial? One being in their last semester of studies indeed does not have the adrenaline rush to study as hard or care about assignments. It seems like our roles have switched since I was the one who could not be bothered much about those stuff in the previous semesters.

Was it just the peer influence that is stirring up all these nonsense emotions in me? Maybe not. In fact, last night after classes, I stayed in school till around 9 with Seng to complete our Macro assignment and we had what I would term an "intellectual and pragmatic" talk about our lives and our future. Whatever I am pursuing now would be of no relative importance to the future and this kind of makes me tired and sick of school. I see myself beating around the bushes and going in circles questioning my choice and the uncertainty that will be revealed at the end of this year. Is the class of Honors that I obtain upon achievement really of significance?

Perhaps to some others, it is not. But to me, it is a summary and transcript of my effort and hardwork, not about the salaries or the money. Honestly, when I first matriculated into NUS, all I had wanted was to be back to the ordinary being with no expectations and a quitter of the perfectionism job. Nonetheless, God played a trick on me and rewarded me unexpectedly. He told me I should never be a quitter which is why I persisted till today. Yet, everyone has moments in life when they feel they are in stagnation and can move forward no longer. Yes, this is what that is bothering me now. I am having emotional fatigue. No doubt I play mahjong and tennis more often than I used to but I need to seek refuge from the additional stress and workload. A run away is what I need. But did I over-compromise?