CNY~

I've given up on my appeal. It's been a week and there's still no reply from the Dean's Office. I questioned my persistence after a week. Sometimes life's just not gonna go your way and once again, I've to make myself adapt to this cruelty of reality. So tomorrow I am gonna go down to the Dean's Office and get Philosophy instead. Maybe I'll like it. :))

And yes, having missed CNY last year, I guess I should be really anticipating CNY this year? Yet as the date draws nearer, my mind's still feeling empty about it. I was trying really hard to look for the excitement, anticipation that filled my heart in the past 21 years yet those emotions seem to be distancing me. It's not that I don't miss the gathering with my family or anything along those lines. It's just that CNY has lost its meaning to me.

Frankly speaking, while I was away in Norway and London last year during CNY, I thought I'd really miss this festive season. Yet, none of those emotions ever came close to me. When people asked me if I really miss CNY last year, I didn't give a concrete reply because if my answer was a YES, I'd be lying and if I'd said NO, that would have disappointed them. And all the CNY goodies that everyone tells me about, I do miss them while overseas but they are not priorities in my life. My instant reply would be "Yeah I kinda miss them." Yet when I sit down at times like these, blogging about how I feel, doing my self-reflections, I realise that was just deception. If I really wanted to consume them, I could easily get them whole year round. All the pictures that people post on their blogs about their wonderful CNY, they don't tempt me at all and I ain't got any answer myself. Just as when I look at the CNY pictures my cousins and siblings posted, yeah I could relate to those feelings of excitement and joy that filled the festive for them but disappointment over missing the event didn't really fill my heart, to tell the truth.

In fact, as CNY is closing in this year, lots of uncertainties and boredom-ness fill my heart. What's it gonna be like to be visiting my paternal side of relatives, faking my smiles and attempting to make conversations like I've done for the past 21 years? And what lies ahead of visiting my maternal side of relatives to spend the day going for movies, playing mahjong and attempting to liven up the atmosphere year in year out?

Blame me for being truthful to others and myself. Though those comments may hurt, but they are the genuine comments and feelings that I have. Perhaps I've lost my usual self. I am still battling with the me that's leaving, have left and what's still remaining. Do I really miss CNY ?