Roller coaster emotions

Life is just this unpredictable. I was feeling all good when I arrived in NYC, and reported to work at the UN on my second day in NYC. After work, I walked to Times Square and that very moment, I felt that I was on top of the world and that I have not lived in vain. The very next day, I was told that I could not apply for a P-level job in the UN within the 6 months after my internship and my heart sank. I came back home, and all that I wanted to do was to sleep. I woke up the next day, looked through some SNS and once again questioned myself, "What the hell am I doing?" Why ain't I in Cambridge or LSE and maybe now I would feel good about myself.

I really do not know if I had made the right decision to come here and do all of these. For a moment, I miss a particular place so much and want to be transported there immediately. Then I realise, life goes on and instead of feeling all negative and pity for myself, I should start working for my next step again.

Setting Sail Once Again

As I am writing this, I am on my way to New York, commonly known as the Big Apple. I never expected myself to do this, go on an unpaid internship and in a foreign place far away from home. 

I did not have such uncertainties or anxiety when I left for the UK a year ago because I was going to Europe, a place which I know at my fingertips. Be it the culture, language, places, etc. Now, I am completely foreign to NY and not know what to expect. I have to start work a day immediately after I arrive and I do not know how I can adapt to life in NY. 

I was hesitant about going on this internship initially because of financing reasons for I have to burn another huge part of my savings to pay for rent and living expenses. However, it is the UN! 

I have always dreamt of working for an international organisation, be involved in work that can have a global impact etc. so I simply cannot give up this chance. There is no guarantee that I would be employed eventually but this is a risk that I am taking and I hope it is an investment that can reap returns. 

As I sit on the plane and write this, a lot of thoughts flashed through my mind. First, I thank God for giving me so many different life experiences to empower me to pluck up my courage to set sail. I have been adapting to change constantly my entire life and this is not any different. Although the outcome may be positive or negative, for if I do not find a job in NY eventually, I will go home broke and stressed over my next step in life. However, at least I have had the opportunity to work in one of largest organisations in the world. Life has always been smooth-sailing for me and I have been very blessed, that I cannot or should not ask for more. 

Second, I have my family and friends to thank for this. First, Yee Leen for introducing me her friend, Alina, for she will be such a big help in terms of helping me to settle down in the city asap. Besides, YL has always been my listening ear, someone whom I pour all my sorrows and grouses to. Though we chat less these days, I always appreciate her presence and her friendship. She is very positive and always takes setbacks in her stride. I like her motto, “Complain less and do more”. Second, my lil sister who sees my dreams and encourages me to pursue them. I know that my departure will once again leave a void in the family and it is selfish of me to leave my parents behind and my sis to deal with them. Their support to me is something that I can only be grateful towards eternally. Like I told Bro, if you love someone, do not clip their wings and stop them from scaling to greater heights in life. The conversation that we had hours ago before I took flight once again left me something to ponder on. I told Bro that I will feel like a big fish in a small pond if I were to stay in Singapore but now I am probably gonna be the smallest big fish in the big pond. It hit me hard when I said this, was I too self-conceited? I have confidence in my own working capabilities though I may not be the smartest person on earth or not even the top 10% in Singapore. However, I believe in my own attitude; perseverance and positivity which will tide me through even the darkest hours of my life. I hope to make them proud when I eventually return home after 3 months. The most important takeaway from that conversation for me was “humility”. I am starting from ground zero and I have to be patient and humble to pick up the ropes and keep an open mind. 

Third, NM! 😃 I do not know why but he gave me so much strength during my time in Serbia. Everything that he told me about himself, life, politics, the world, and me made me so determined that I cannot tiptoe through life. It would be wonderful if I were to stay in Singapore, continue my teaching career and tuition as a side business. My family will be happy since they want me to be around and I will have all the money in the world to travel. However, that thought does not strike a chord in me. I will not feel accomplished the day that I close my eyes, at least that is what I think. This is my last leap into the unknown because if I were to fail this time, I know I will have to go home and face my fate and lead an ordinary or normal life. 😔  Although he may have lied in his stories, since he always tells me “not to trust a Serb” and “not to trust him”, my gut feeling tells me that he does not lie to me at the very first instance. Everything that he told me about himself is true. He always says that I spread positivity propaganda to him, and I believe that I have motivated him to work hard and lead an extraordinary life but he does not see the opposite. He does not know how much what he said to me, meant to me. For he sees my dreams and believes that I can accomplish them. Many people will not understand what I seek in life or believe in me, but he DOES, even though it may just be a lie. I do not know how life would turn out for him eventually, but I hope that he will not be one of those smart people who will be unhappy because expectations fall short of reality. I was once stuck in this pothole and I felt miserable. I may have to undergo these emotions once again in life with this decision that I made but NM made me feel like, “you can dictate your own future”. Make the right decisions that will lead you to your ultimate goal. We want to be different, we dream big and want to achieve big and we made a promise to wait for each other at the finishing line. It would be amazing if we could journey together and provide the much needed support but unfortunately, we have very different values and beliefs and what he wants to achieve might not be what I want to achieve. But I am so thankful that I met him, for he changed my life in a span of 6 days. I promise, “To live well and stay on the bright side of life”. If the world is filled with lies and conspiracies, I am glad this one lie changed me, for the better or worse, we will have to live through it to know the answer.

A brand new challenge

 It has been 5 months since I last posted anything on this blog as life has been nothing short of busy. Travels for 2-3 months, living life on a bag pack and then 1 entire month of working on my dissertation. Everything winded down gracefully, learnt a lot along the way, met many people who inspired me, encouraged me, served as a reminder to myself, etc.

In a few hours, I am setting off on another brand new adventure to U.S.A., commonly known as the New World. The Big Apple is a dream of many, just like Paris had always been a dream of mine. Before I know it, I have been to Paris for five times but I will never get enough of the city I guess. Then again, if I were to live in Paris, I will be so sick of the throngs of tourists that commute everyday and crowd around the Eiffel Tower, Louvre Museum and what not.

There is so much that I want to write about on my travels in Bolivia and Peru and subsequently in the Balkans. It will take me some time to get down to this for now, I have to focus on searching for an apartment in NYC and then also a job. :)

I was very hesitant about doing this internship initially but the people that I met along the way made me want to do this. I found courage in the most unexpected moments in life and from the least expected people. There is a lot of uncertainty confronting me but all my life, I have been used to adapting to a new environment. I learnt how to close the chapters of the book, titled "My Life Story" with less pain and grief over time and to look forward to new adventures more positively and adapt faster to change.

NY, it has to be everyone's dream, including me. :) But mark my words, I will be back to write about all my adventures.

Curtains are drawing

Time seems to have whizzed past me once again in the last 8 months. It was not too long ago that I packed my bags and left my country for new adventures. In the last 8 months, I have been very fortunate to have forged many new friendships, hopefully lasting ones as well. I have always been able to warm up to people easily in a new environment but it takes longer for me to allow them to walk into my life and discover who I am as a person. However, once that barrier is crossed, I grow an attachment towards them and find it hard to say goodbye.

In 2 weeks' time, I will have to say goodbye to all these friends of mine and saying goodbye has always been really difficult for me. I am afraid I will tear, because I will probably not see some of these people for the rest of my lives. There are others, however, that I have made promises to visit and reminisce about the old times together in the not so distant future. This week has been particularly hard for me, I do not know why, perhaps withdrawal symptoms from my last two trips with these awesome people, first in Rio and then in the Amazonian rainforest. It has been a long time since I had such strong withdrawal symptoms, the last I remembered was when I returned from Israel and I was so overwhelmed by everything that I had seen there. It is worse that we are preparing for our final exams so we do not go to school and do not get to talk to each other. We are basically cooped up in our own homes.

In Amazonia, we were cut off from our mobile phones because there was no mobile network so I was constantly chatting with my friends, about anything under the Sun. After we returned, I find myself talking to a few of them constantly on messenger and WA because we had kind of grown an attachment during the trip. You know who will sit right next to you on every boat ride, who will not be too far away from you so as to be able to offer a helping hand, etc.

As I look back at our time here, I realise that we spent the most time together when we were in the UK because we were living in close proximity and there were so many events. I am particularly proud that I managed to organise the International Food Festival, not just because of the food but also for keepsake purposes.

In Spain, I was travelling a lot more and I was sick for a week so I missed out on some activities. Nevertheless, whenever I was around, I was sure to join them for a trip and also organised a few dinners with Diego, Sergio, Carlos, Bernardo and Eva. :) How I miss those times.

Moving forward to Brazil, we continued our rendezvous to Chapada, Rio, Amazonia, steak house, etc. I once wrote about a set of lyrics, that any stranger may unknowingly become a person whom you are so close with. Diego and Sergio were the first people I went to the supermarket with in the UK, and though they were not so open at the start and I tried really hard to keep conversations going, definitely not as sociable compared to Alfonso, I am so close to them these days I don't know how it happened?

I know new adventures lie ahead of me, I will make new friends along the way and these people will slowly fade out from my life. Nevertheless, the bonds that I have forged with the people here will stay with me for life. This time round, farewell is much harder than in Stockholm.

Extreme Human Behaviour

I have a classmate whom I am not particularly close to but I always find it easy to discuss with her world issues - corruption, income inequality, moral rights, life choices, etc. and over a caipirinha yesterday, we were discussing about human evolution. We came to the conclusion that mankind simply has not evolved much over the years. In the past, when war descended upon a nation or territory, it was reckless killing and raping of the women. Now, a bomb is dropped and the entire village dies. It is a matter of suffering while alive, because you had to undergo the trauma of being raped and watching your loved ones suffer, and now, simply dead with the dropping of a bomb. How different is it then? Why is the use of bombs chastised and not the invasion of the past? I would rather have a quick death than be tortured alive.

We also had a discussion about refugees and the crisis in Europe. I know that it is immoral to deny these refugees a place in Europe because they are running away from war. However, if there is an influx of refugees, more than what these camps can handle, it causes the living conditions in the refugee camps to deteriorate and everyone else suffers. Countries that take in refugees also need to know where to draw the line and say, "STOP", we are not taking in anymore. As long as refugees know that there is still hope of them escaping to Europe or some other country, they will try and keep coming. Thus, I think finding the right balance is important. We try to save as many people as we can but we cannot try to save everyone such that eventually, the entire ship sinks. My housemate told me about a story of a Lebanon family selling all their assets so as to acquire the status of a Syrian refugee and escaping to Europe. When they found that the living conditions were worse than what they had back home, they decided to return, but only to have nothing back at home. These are issues of moral hazards and shouldn't they be safeguarded against? 

Another discussion that we had was about suicide bombers. Some of them were threatened to take on this task, either to protect their families or for a compensation that will feed their family. Is it then right to take away innocent lives elsewhere, family members of other people, just so that you can protect your own family? Which life is more precious? Can we put a value to it? If suicide bombers can do that to protect their own family, then what is stopping Europeans from trying to protect their own loved ones against terrorism and controlling the influx of foreigners? 

For me, I want to stand on the side of justice and fairness and avoid putting myself in a moral dilemma as far as possible. If I had to kill someone else just to protect my family, I am sure my family will understand why I am unwilling to do it? How about if the lives that I am going to take away are people with sickness or have done bad things in life? Will my judgment be different again? 

I share this video from this stand-up comedian, George Carlin. It is one of the best videos that I have watched, talking about extreme human behaviour. It sounds cynical but it is so reflective of life. :)

If you give yourself 5 minutes to cool down, would you still write this post?

I once read a book from Mitch Albom which speaks about how the existence of social media has made people less able to control their emotions since they will update their status and write about all their whims and fancies on their social media account. Hence, I always told myself that before I post anything online, give myself time to cool down first and think if it is something that I truly want to write about and leave it permanently on this world.

I treated myself to a McDonald's meal before I decided to sit down and write about this incident. I know I have a cool head. A can of worms was opened when our coordinator decided to ask us to decide among ourselves when our examinations would be. It was a "I should fight for my own rights" battle and there was of course all sorts of arguments being put forward. Just yesterday, I was looking through some photos and reminiscing about the wonderful times that I share with a friend of mine. I realise that we have huge differences in cultures and also ideologies but I value her friendship. Nonetheless, I could feel the gap growing because I am not willing to confront these differences and tell her how I feel honestly.

I wanted to send her a text and ask how she is doing but it did not take too long for me to feel disappointment in her actions. I do not understand why someone can selfishly decide to go ahead with certain plans without sparing a thought for others, and then tell lies subsequently to cover up her own selfishness, masking it with altruism. I feel so disgusted about her actions that I do not even know how to hold another conversation without hiding my disdain for her actions. I definitely need some time to erase this episode from my memory and regain my usual self. This is not the first time that I have such negative feelings towards her. How can you advocate honesty and integrity when you are committing the same act that you express your disgust towards? People who cheat and lie and feel that they will lose out if they do not do likewise like others, F* off, I feel even more disgust towards you than towards someone who blatantly cheat and admit to it. You are equally despised. I do not think anyone is entirely honest and has never told a lie in their entire life before. It all depends on the reason behind your lie for me. I appreciate our friendship, because she has done really nice things for me but for me, if someone can lie through their teeth, it makes me shiver because now, I can no longer distinguish if those gestures were genuine or just one of her hypocrite acts. I prefer to stay away from such people.

Once bitten, twice shy. Learn from your mistakes. These lessons never stay with me for long. I hate unfairness, people who play around others to their own advantage. I like impartiality and upon reflection, I know that how in the process of fighting for equal rights and equity has landed me in deep shit. Each time, I tell myself to let go and care less about fairness but I never learn from these lessons. If I ended up in another situation where impartiality is called into play, I still find myself fighting for the rights of others, without asking if that was what they wanted.

• I pity others who have to slog for 4 exams on 4 consecutive days. But what has it got to do with me? Maybe they do not mind. It is not me who is going through this shit, why do I bother? 
• I hope that we can end the exam a day earlier so that we can have a birthday celebration and maybe a farewell party for one of our classmates but why do I bother? Maybe he does not want to celebrate his birthday or no one wants a farewell party. 
• I feel that 23 people should not have to sacrifice for 1 person's own visa or travel desires but then again, why do I bother? Maybe the 22 others do not mind at all. So what am I trying to fight for? 

I find myself in a silly and endless battle with fairness. I will always be on the losing end. I hate myself for wanting to stick by my "principles". I complained about how my dad's insistence on living by his principles has gotten him nowhere all these years and yet how different am I from him? Screw "principles" in life for once. I want to stand on the side of justice and I disagree with her actions because I felt that she went ahead with her plans despite knowing that this will cause the examinations to be pushed back. If she had openly told everyone about her circumstances and everyone, out of goodwill and compassion, agreed to it, I will be fine and support her too. What disgusts me was that she went behind all our backs and wrote directly to the coordinator to tell her that she cannot make it for personal reasons so all of us had to accommodate her. How about the rest of the people who had to complete 4 exams in a week because of her self-centredness?

What's more, what would stop her from going behind my back and stab me someday when a conflict of interest arises between the two of us? Choose your friends wisely. 

Should I feel lousy?

2 more months till the end of my course and it is time to get down to work to prepare to settle down for the future! Times like these, I always feel so lousy. I was setting up my LinkedIn account and in the process, I chanced upon the profiles of many of my peers. I have to admit that I feel a little lousy because many of them have already accumulated the right corporate experiences and in a way, pave the way for a lifetime career. On hindsight, my teaching experiences do not count towards anything.

Nevertheless, my time here has taught me that the definition of success is varied and I am feeling this way because my definition of success still encompasses social status and my career. When I return to Singapore, I could go back to my old profession - teaching or tuition and earn big bucks but I know this is not what I want. To me, this is not a career that I feel that I should be in at this stage of my life. Money is definitely not the motivating factor otherwise I would not have left home in the first place. Although I admit that when I see my friends posting pictures of their new cars, new houses, branded bags, etc. I do feel that maybe I should simply settle down and make money my motivation. However, I just feel that they do not bring me satisfaction that is long-lasting. I know that I would not be truly happy if I were to just continue with my tuition business and bring in the bills for material wants.

So I try to cheer myself up by reminding myself about how much I have achieved in the last 6 years. I have always wanted to travel around the world, to meet people from different cultures, live abroad, etc. and I have accomplished much in this aspect. A few months ago, I read an article about how someone commented that all these travel experiences do not count towards anything when you truly want to settle down.

To face reality, have I been successful in the last 6 years? Teaching is a profession that you can always glamorise it by claiming that you are contributing to society and helping to mould the future of the nation. I am proud of what I have done in that field, helping to shape and touch lives from the bottom of my life and not doing things for the sake of doing it. However, when I want to be forward looking, of what use is my teaching experience?

I have travelled to all the continents in the world, except Antarctica, and once again upon reflection, what use is that for my future career? LOL. It is not something that I can put on my CV but I am not complaining. The memories from those trips are keepsake for a lifetime!

I am not sure if I will still go down this path if I were to be given a time machine to return to the past. The grass on the other side is always greener but I guess I do not have regrets about my decisions. I feel that I have underachieved in life and this makes me feel a little lousy but no pain no gain I guess. I would not have been able to travel so much if not for my job as a teacher.

Life is about knowing what you want and pursuing it against all odds, even if people around you tell you that is not the way forward. After all, you only live once so live it the way you want but be prepared to face the best and the worst moments because that is part of the journey.

Love and Family

I had many conversations about love, marriage and family these days. I feel the need to pen all these conversations down and hopefully some day when I look back, these conversations will bring a smile to my face.

A friend of mine told me that she believed at different stages of our lives, we need a different person or companion. To her, if your partner is no longer the person whom you need at that stage of life, then what is stopping you from leaving him or her and go in search of another person. As a result of this mindset, she does not believe in marriages. Marriage is just a piece of paper to bind two persons together but if that person is still the person whom you need in your life, then even without marriage, the two of you will stick together. However, if the opposite is true, then that certificate ties both of you down and brings about unhappiness. I have so many real-life examples around me and to Asians in general, divorce though becoming more common is still something not favoured. A part of me agrees that when two persons no longer value the existence of each other, why not let go? Nevertheless, when one forms a family, it is no longer about two persons but also the children in the household and how a divorce could possibly affect them. I always feel that marriage and starting a family is never the problem of two persons but two families and consequently, the kids that follow.

In response to my friend, I feel that indeed we constantly change and maybe we require a different person to walk through this life journey with us at different stages of life, however, it can be the case of two persons who decided to spend the rest of their lives together changing and adapting to new found circumstances. I do not think that one should just flight when they feel that problems and differences exist between them. Sometimes, I walk away from people whom I cannot relate to anymore, but I always try to salvage the relationship before turning away. This ensures that when I do, I have done my best.

Another conversation that struck me a lot was a conversation with a guy from Central Asia. He told me that in his country, the youngest child, if he is a boy, will live with his parents after marriage and take care of them until they aged. Since he is approaching marriage age or perhaps exceed, his parents or in particular, mother, might have found him a wife. I was a little shocked because I found him to be quite modern and westernised and never expected arranged marriages to be still a tradition. His reasoning was logical - he will have to live with his parents after marriage and he hopes that his wife will be someone who can get along with his mother or someone that his mother likes. This will reduce conflicts. In his country, a woman is still expected to stay home and take care of household chores and the children after marriage. He was honest with me that if a woman wants to be independent and have a career, then she will not be able to find a husband in his country because the majority of the men would prefer to have a stay home wife. In his opinion, there is no such thing as true love, or freedom to love and in pursuit of love, find the person who you will love and live with for the rest of your life. He will have to shoulder the responsibility of the household after he gets married and learn to take care of his family; parents, wife and children. We posed many hypothetical questions to him such as, "What if the girl that his mother chooses is not someone that he likes?" or "What if he finds a girl that he truly loves but his mother does not like her?"

His response was that he will respect the wishes of his mother. In his religion, they believe that a mother is like a tree that provides shade and protection to her children. A child who lives under the care of the mother has the best of the world, so he believes that the girl that his mom chooses for him is definitely the best and most suitable for him. I have so much respect for that because I am not someone who will simply listen to the wishes of my parents and abide by their bidding. Parents would feel so loved if their kids have that mindset, I guess but I am just not that kid. I want freedom to make my own choices in life and then live with those consequences. It is back to the question of how much information do you feel your parents have in relation to yourself. I do not think that my parents know much about the world, because I feel that they have fallen behind, lacks education, etc. I do not despise them but I just feel that they do not make decisions taking into account all available information, myopic, etc. Hence, I listen to their advices and take whatever that I think is useful but I will not do whatever that they tell me to. Sometimes I do not want to start a family because I do not hope that someday my kids will feel the same way towards me like I do towards my parents. That said, if I do have kids, I will want them to explore this world on their own and just be there to catch them when they fall. :)

时不时都会有如此的感受，感受到某一个人对另一个人不一样的情感。很感激有如此的遭遇，给了我自信心，感受到关怀和温馨。它是一种说不出的感受，我觉得我的直觉是对的但这世间，不是所有的相爱都能相拥。如果遇到一个你真正深爱的人但却不能和他在一起，那么就珍惜你和他所有美好的记忆。你会继续你人生的旅途，会遇上另一个较适合的人并且和他走完你的这一生，但时不时，你还是会去触碰你心里的那一个小角落，因为你深爱的那个他仍然住在那，不曾离去。正所谓你得不到的永远是最好的而他在你心里，依然完美无缺。这份最真诚的爱和回忆，就让它像一个微笑一样冰封在你心里和脸上。