Frejat - Segredos

One very nice Portuguese song recommended by my Brazilian friend. Not just applying to love but to many different aspects of our lives. If you love something or have a passion for something, go get it. Chase after your dreams and never let go.


In Portuguese: 

Eu procuro um amor
Que ainda não encontrei
Diferente de todos que amei...

Nos seus olhos quero descobrir
Uma razão para viver
E as feridas dessa vida
Eu quero esquecer...

Pode ser que eu a encontre
Numa fila de cinema
Numa esquina
Ou numa mesa de bar...

Procuro um amor
Que seja bom prá mim
Vou procurar
Eu vou até o fim...

E eu vou tratá-la bem
Prá que ela não tenha medo
Quando começar a conhecer
Os meus segredos...

Hum! Hum! Huuuum!...

In English:

I'm looking for one love
One that I've never found before
One, different from all those I ever loved

In her eyes, I want to find a reason to live
And the wounds of my life, I just want to forget them

Who knows I'll find her in a queue to the theather
Or standing in the corner of a street
Or sitting at the table of some pub

I'm looking for one love
One that'd make me feel good
And I'll go on
Looking for it until the end

And I'll be very nice to her
So that she doesn't get affraid
as she learns more of my secrets

I'm looking for one love, one reason to live
And the wounds of my life, I just want to forget them

Maybe I'll stumble over the words, not knowing what to say
But I'll stand tall and won't leave there without her by my side

Source: athttp://lyricstranslate.com/en/segredos-secrets.html

Solitude Vs Loneliness

I looked up the meaning of this word, 'solitude' because I remember coming across it somewhere and it explained perfectly the way I felt towards myself, since time immemorial. I have been away from home for close to 3 weeks and I embarked on this journey hoping to meet new people, gain new experiences and prepare for the next stage of life. However, in the last 20 days or so, I am amazed by how warm the people in my course are thus far and they want to spend time together every night (not everyone in the class but several of them). It was either partying, drinking, going to the park, grocery shopping, house parties or move nights, etc. I like all these programmes that they have been planning thus far but I find myself valuing my few hours of solitude and freedom more at times. Hence, I either left early on a few occasions or totally skipped those gatherings. I love the company of these people, since I am someone who enjoys being around people. Nevertheless, I am losing my own 'ME' time and the freedom to do I want to do. My perspective is such that we have an entire year to hang out, build bonds and spend time with each other. We seriously do not need to be in each other's company ALL the time, right?

Back in the teenage years, I was so concerned about whether I would be left out or not if I skipped a party or two or leave early and be labelled as a loser. However, these days, I would be happy to skip one or two parties so that I can have time for myself. I enjoy spending time with myself. I am also very sure of what I want to do and how I view myself and could not care more about others' opinions of me if I decide to leave early. I must say a simple conversation with one of the guys ignited this behaviour. We were discussing about society, organizations, norms, and how people lose the free will to do whatever that they want because they were afraid of being judged by others i.e. society, friends, etc. So I was reminded that I am who I am and I am here with certain objectives and I should not have to feel compelled to accompany who and who just because I need to conform to social norms. If it was 10 years ago, I definitely would not have the courage to do this and end up being called 'anti-social'.

I must say that I have matured more than that I had imagined myself to be though I still look young (haha since all my classmates say that I could easily pass off as a 21 year old). In the past, I would feel that I am a loner if I were to be going to the supermarket on my own or sitting in the bus on my own, etc. These days, I am looking for opportunities to go to the supermarket on my own because sometimes I want to be able to buy the things that I want, without being judged or questioned about my decision. I have grown more decisive than I had imagined. So I cannot comprehend one of my friends as to why she has to ask for opinion for every decision, "Should I take a scarf?", "Should I wear this?", "Which pasta should I buy?" etc. She is really cool and I really feel comfortable being friends with her. However, sometimes I would like to remind her that she is old enough and should be independent enough to make her own decisions.

I would also like to narrate an incident while we went on a school trip. As with every bus journey, you sit in pairs and I was expecting this friend of mine who hangs out with me all the time to be sitting with me. So I decided not to bring a book along. I was very shocked when she boarded the bus and decided to sit with another girl, whom she hardly hangs out with, only occasionally. She did not even show any concern as to who will I sit with or would I be okay to be sitting alone? Maybe she assumed that I would sit with this other girl, who sticks to me like super glue. At the end of the day, the reason did not matter to me and although I was puzzled for 10 minutes, I was able to let it go more quickly than I thought. If it was 10 years ago, I would have felt betrayed and disappointed with her actions but this time round, I took merely 10 minutes to try to find an excuse for her, that's it. I looked at the guys and they were all sitting by themselves. Although they had their own clique of friends, it did not matter who was talking to who, who was sitting with who and if they did things together like a band of brothers. That's right, girls should behave in the same way too. Next, I realise that I would have enjoyed the ride more if I was sitting by myself. I had more space, could sleep and not try to stay in conversation while I was freaking tired. If she had sat with me, I would have been thinking, "how do i tell her that i want to sit by myself instead?" Maybe others would judge me and say that I am a loner but honestly I do not care. I would rather sit by myself and enjoy that hour of solitude, listen to music, enjoy the scenery and take a power nap.

Enjoying your own solitude can be a double-edged sword though. You may end up closing up yourself, because you start to find certain conversations meaningless and would rather spend your time doing the things that you like to do. As you go out less, you find going out less meaningful. Sometimes when I am in a situation with someone whom I do not feel comfortable with or that I seem to not have any common topics to talk to the person about, I would rather keep quiet and not strike some idiotic conversation. If we happen to be talking or if he or she takes the initiative to talk to me, I would listen patiently and engage in an conversation. However, if I find myself or feel that the opposite party is trying too hard to keep the conversation going, I would then walk away politely when the conversation comes to an appropriate break. My rule of thumb is always, "Do not judge and give others a chance. Try to listen but if all else fails, then don't try too hard."

There is a classmate of mine who gives me this feeling that he doesn't really like me. He has never asked me a question in the last 3 weeks until this morning. So I never talk to him. If it was in the past, I would probably try to ask him some questions and engage him but these days, I just cannot be bothered. If someone gives me the feeling that he doesn't like me (for whatever reason I do not know and it does not matter since there are bound to be some people who like you and dislike you), then I would rather stay away from him or her. Why try so hard? However, it might still be too early to judge. Maybe he is just shy to talk to me or I appear too unapproachable.

All in all, what I am trying to say here is that I do not feel lonely when I am alone. In fact, I treasure these few hours of solitude that I have every now and then so that I can read books, earn some extra income with tuition (haha) or do research on my travel plans. However, I am not at the end of being 'anti-social' because I enjoy meeting new people and interacting with them.

Learning in a foreign environment

It has been almost 2 weeks since I left home. I started off the first week with a Mathematics for Economists class and thought if this is mostly what I was gonna learn while on this Master's course, then perhaps I have not signed up for the right one. I want to learn something more than what I have already did in my undergraduate studies. A lot of the material covered is a recapitulation of what I already know. Fortunately, in the 2nd half of the week, I attended Microeconomics classes and goodness, what I have to learn is so much theory and not at all related to what I have already learnt in my Bachelor's. This set me thinking. I had expected a course that was more mathematical-based but it seems like the module is set on a more theoretical course. The exam is writing based, nothing near the numerous calculations that we have to do in our Microeconomics examinations from level 1000 - 4000 in NUS.

I was expecting myself to have sufficient 'ME' time to do the things that I want, such as to work, to read Economics on my own, to continue my Skype tuition business, play a lot of sports e.g. tennis or badminton. However, it seems like things are not going to be what I expect. New challenges in life, I am happy. :)

Stepping out of my comfort zone

7 years ago, I embarked on my student exchange to Sweden and had one of the most memorable journeys in my life. A week ago, I decided to pursue my Master's overseas and lugged my bags with me to the UK once again. So much has changed in the last 7 years and I have once again met people from different backgrounds.

I had 35kg of my daily life with me this time round, pretty much the same as 7 years ago but I definitely brought with me more comfort. I went shopping after settling down in my new place and find myself going around buying a lot of things that I was so used to using them when in Singapore. Compared to 7 years ago, I live simply. I guess that's the difference when you have enjoyed material comfort and have the purchasing power to afford comfort. When I visit the supermarket, I will not scrimp and save but keep a lookout of things that I enjoy eating, seafood, salmon, what not. Back then, my fridge was filled with sausages, crabsticks and cheap processed food that were cheap by a student's standards but pathetic by my standards these days. LOL.

In addition, I have a young girl from Kazakhstan as my neighbour and she is like a reminder of my younger self. She told me this is the first time that she is living abroad on her own, in fact also the first time she left home. She is very homesick and she does not know her way around Europe. She can speak English but really basic conversational level and she finds it hard to communicate with others. Cultural differences meant that many of the other European students or more Americanised students from the Middle East, Eastern Europe and even South America have communication barriers with her. She does not know how to cook and I think she does not want to spend too much on her daily life so that she can use the excess for travelling. I was once in her shoes many years ago but I was definitely better off. At least I had Kim and Monica who came from the same country as me as company.

However, I guess she is in company that is more open compared to my times in Stockholm. Perhaps it is because of age, back then when I was in Stockholm, the majority of my neighbours were enrolled in the CEMS programme and honestly it was quite difficult to break into their social circle. They were much older than us and I feel that they had higher social status - be it wealth, family background, etc. compared to the friends that I have made thus far. Most of them are from Western Europe - Holland, France, Germany, Spain, etc. and they are very 'atas'. However this time round, we are all studying in the same Master's course, around the same age and also people come from more humble backgrounds or countries - Czech Rep, Brazil, Albania, Central Asia, Bulgaria, Belgium, etc. They look beyond skin colour and race and make friends with everyone. That to me, is definitely more important than anything else.

I myself was also quite shocked with my own experiences. I came here, expecting to be independent, cook my own meals and buy my own food but because we all came from different countries and had nothing with us, everyone was willing to chip in and share to buy some food. However, we have not started cooking together, perhaps because we weren't big enough a group, compared to the times when I was in Stockholm. Nevertheless, I look forward to the different parties that we can organise - Middle Eastern, Brazilian, Czech, Bulgarian, etc. as we spend time together for the next 1 year.

There are things that I like about my times in Stockholm and others that I felt was missing from my experiences but I think that my mindset is the most important in shaping my experiences. That is what I constantly share with this young and innocent neighbour of mine. She will have a good time in the next 1 year I believe and bring home with her memories that will stay on for a lifetime! :)

Would I have done things differently?

Lately, I met up with a group of ex-students and those updates about their lives really made me reflect deeply upon my role as an educator.

I had this one student in my class who unfortunately did not do so well in his first year of studies, despite it being his 2nd attempt. He is definitely a smart boy but just could not find the discipline and motivation to work hard. So upon getting his promotional examinations results, we talked about his future. I remember vividly that he told me his ambition was to become an architect since only a handful of the kids in my school actually had an ambition to talk about. However, I am always very skeptical when people tell me about their ambition. Your ambition is always an occupation that you conceptualise to be something that you would like to be in but that might not be what you will enjoy doing when you eventually be in that position. How many of us actually have hands-on experiences in the field that we hope to go into, until we actually sign up for it. Lol. I would never have imagined myself to fall in love with Economics, until I actually read it in the Polytechnic. Hence, before the age of 17, I would never have considered an Economist as an ambition.

Anyway, that student eventually switched to read Architecture in my alma mater and recently, he contacted me to inform me that he has graduated and has been offered a place at the university to further his training in Architecture. Honestly, I was very impressed and also happy for him that he eventually made it, though via a longer route. It was a very heartwarming session to hear him tell me about his life in the Polytechnic and his training in Architecture. That made me reflect and wonder how would things turn out if I had tried all means and ways to get him to stay on instead, 3 years ago?

In addition to him, I also caught up with 2 other students who used to be a big headache for me in class, always not doing their work, screwing up their tests and occasionally not turning up for lessons. One of them had this affinity with me, I would say, because I taught him before I left for NIE and also gave him some advices on changing his subject combination, to focus on subjects that he had an interest in and could excel in. Who knows when I eventually returned to the school, he was in my class and became my student! At a certain point in time, I got so frustrated with his lack of commitment in his academics that my patience with him ran really thin. I was the kind of educator who was firm in the classroom but friendly outside. However, I realise that I could no longer be friendly with him outside the classroom. Our relationship became very tense and authoritarian and that was the last thing that I had hope for. My vision of my relationships with all my students must be one that is socially equal. Fortunately, we ironed out the issues that I had with his attitude in class and towards the subject and he eventually did well for the subject!

Another boy was a famous sportsperson in the school and he is one smart boy who has strong survival skills. His interpersonal skills are also good but I never agree with his white lies or lies. As an educator, I am very particular about values education and integrity is always the number 1 value that I preach about. So I clamp down on him real hard about his lies and even had to speak to his parents about it. However, deep down in the bottom of my heart, I know that he will eventually survive when he steps into society and enter adulthood. Although he managed to earn a place in the university, he decided to take a gap year and pursue a career in financial planning since his comparative advantage has always been his persuasion skills and his looks.

All 3 of them had turned out very differently, but I am glad that they have all found their own foothold in life. I then start to think about, what exactly should education be about? There is a strong emphasis on academic results in our education system - teachers feel the pressure to deliver the quality grades, parents want their children to excel, and students compete to do well to get a place in the popular courses in university. I can proudly say that I place my students' interests as the priority - their emotional well-being and also the academic results because I believe that education is the way to change their lives and facilitate social mobility. So I ploughed really hard when I was teaching them, often staying beyond what my working hours prescribed just so everyone could get a little more attention and do well for their exams. Nevertheless, a part of me wanted to prove myself as an educator and the results speak for your ability, whether in others' eyes or based on my own expectations.

After seeing so many of my ex-students doing different things in their lives now that I start to question myself. Should I have judged my own contributions as an educator based on the academic results of my students? I guess lil sis is right. I met students who managed to make it in life even without stellar academic results hence I think I might have placed a little more emphasis on academic results. How about other students who are suffering from the consequences of doing so badly academically and are struggling in life now? I would then feel remorseful about not having helped them enough academically.

Life is always about finding the balance. These kids that I used to worry so much about, I guess I have been too hard on myself. They will find their foothold in life, somehow, someday, in a way that I least expect.

31 things to say for a month - Day 29: My Brother

Day 29: If we could be reborn, I would still want to have you in my life.

It is the least expected that this is actually the last post of the thread of '31 things to say for a month'. However, I have re-numbered it to "Day 29" for sentimental sake that my brother is born on the 29th of a month. It is not a very usual day of the month since 29, like 11th (my birthday) are prime numbers! :)

It is a coincidence that this happens to be the last post because I am someone who loves leaving the best to the last. My brother has been a very important person in my life in the last 20 odd years and no amount of words can express my love, concern and gratitude for his existence in my life. Together with my cousin and my sister, they are my trusted aides, my pillars of support whenever I feel down and the people whom I will make sacrifices for just so they can lead a long and happy life!

There is just so much that I can write about when I reminisce our childhood days together with my brother so I seek your patience in reading and my own perseverance to not be shoddy in blogging, considering that it is now 2.41 a.m. (I am trying to adjust to London time, lol.)

The things that we did together as kids:
My brother and cousin were born a year apart so when they started attending Kindergarten together, I often watched in envy. I was enthusiastic about going to school as well, for whatever reason, I do not know. My turn came eventually but by then, they had both moved to Primary School. We were childhood playmates, did loads of silly things such as role-playing different occupations from being a teacher to a doctor, setting up amusement parks, etc. We love going to the playground to play with the slides, see-saws and swings but grandma was not always keen to let us step out of the house. So we often came up with lame excuses such as, "Oh we need to buy a pen or pencil for school" or "We needed to pass our friend homework" just so we could all go out. We would then go to the 'mama shop' to buy sweets, 3 for 10cents, or ice stick that costs 5cents each.

When we were in Primary school, brother, cousin, and I used to walk to school together until my cousin eventually moved out of grandma's house and had to transfer school. My brother was already much older then and after my cousin left, he also started to have friends who walked to school together with us. He often walked side by side with his friends but would ask me to walk in front of them so I was still within his sight. I kinda dislike it because I wanted to walk beside them but the road was just not wide enough. LOL. Material comfort hardly existed but those were the most carefree days of our lives.

Subsequently, we moved out of our grandma's house too and my brother entered his teenage years while I was still a Primary School kid. Our lives were less intertwined during that stage because my brother spent most of his time playing soccer at the void deck while I was constantly running after other kids at the playground, playing "catching". Our only common hobby was to listen to the Radio Station whenever we came back from school and before we headed out to play. We would engage in a duel to guess the singer and song title of the next song that was being played on the FM. Brother always beat me in the game because my short-term memory is near to non-existence and it was only at a much older age that I come to realise. LOL. It was simple things like these that made us happy, really happy.

Lessons as youths:
My brother was never a harsh person who reprimanded me. He knew I was a very strong-willed girl and there were countless occasions when we nearly tore the house apart after we both refused to give in. Nevertheless, he would often share with me lessons in life and in my memory, the one very important value in life that he taught me stems from this saying, "Every little thing you do shapes up your character." I must say that this saying has had the greatest influence on my life. In my younger days, my temper was short, my attitude wasn't the best most of the time and I can be pretty obstinate. I focused on my bigger goals in life and I express my emotions freely, never trying hard enough to contain my anger. However, my brother taught me that I could be a much better person if I work on the small little things in life that could affect me greatly in the future. This saying constantly rang in my mind whenever I felt like letting my emotions loose be it on small or big matters, procrastinating on my work, handling my relationship with my mom and my sis, etc. I started to pay attention to the "little things" in my life - the way I communicate with others, my values in life, and that helped me improve my interpersonal skills greatly. He might not have the slightest idea that this conversation that he had with me had influenced my life so much.

My brother was also someone who placed the family's interests above all else. On contrary, I must admit that I am someone who places my dreams above all else. I wouldn't say I do not love my family but I was like any other teenager who prioritise my friends over my family. My family members never interfered in the things that I want to do, giving me the freedom to pursue my dreams and interests, often accommodating me. When my siblings and I get into an argument, they often commented that I was a very demanding person and they always had to accommodate me. For example, when I was mugging in the room for my exams and they were to engage in a conversation in front of me, I would hush them and chase them out, citing that they were disrupting my revision. Sometimes, I know that they merely wanted to engage me in conversation after seeing me burying myself in the books for the entire day. However, I was so focused that I did not want any disturbances. This perfectionist mindset is often a double-edged sword - it propelled me forward to accomplish the things I set out to do but it also meant that my siblings were often the ones who gave in to my whims and fancies. It was when I accomplished my goals in life and I looked back that I realised that they had always been behind me and without their muted sacrifices, I might not have gone as far. Fortunately, I am not an ungrateful person and I willingly share the fruits of my success with them these days.

Looking to the future:
I have to say that I have had a more smooth-sailing life journey compared to my brother. He has more to shoulder in life as a man and as the eldest of the family, he does not have a role model to follow. Although we meet once a week nowadays, we do not engage in deep conversations about our lives unlike in the past. He is in this transition phase in his life and he really needs to persevere in order to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

We are both Sagittarius and our personalities are quite aligned. We grew up in the same environment, faced similar constraints but our lives have turned out very differently at this point in time. I hate to say this but I feel that I have led a much happier life than he has. I am constantly doing the one thing that I enjoy in life i.e. travelling and each time I step into a new city, experience a new lifestyle and meet different people, I think of my brother. I want to share with him these wonderful experiences and adventures on my escapes so that he can be happy like I am. I think he loves traveling as well, maybe not as much as I do but still, I am sure he will feel that happiness of being free.

In the last 5 years or so, there were times when I get very frustrated with him over his decision making and the way he is handling his life. But my frustration all stem from one root cause - that he is not being decisive and determined in his pursuits which is causing him so much unhappiness. No matter how hard I try to talk sense into him, share with him lessons in life and offer solutions, I have not helped my brother become a happier person. Along the way, I realised that I might be wrong in my judgments because I am not him and what makes me happy may not apply to him. So I can only tell myself that I have to be patient and generous with words of encouragement. Deep down in my heart, I have always been thankful that he helped made me a better person and I feel happy about myself and my life because I am leading the life that I want. In return, I also hope that he can be happy!

As I step out of my comfort zone once again to pursue my dreams like I did 8 years ago, I hope something drastic can change my brother's life again just like it did back then. I have seen too many unhappy people all my life and I know that it all stems from their own insecurities in life. If I could transfer some of his unhappiness to myself, I would gladly do so but I know I cannot. He only has himself to depend on to overcome his own fears and insecurities, change his outlook on life and steer himself back on course to live a long and happy life.

For teaching me the importance of "Every little thing that you do shapes up your character", I would like to return the favour by these two quotes:

"Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it is stormy now doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine."

"Happiness is not something readymade, it comes from your OWN actions."

I wish my brother health and happiness!

31 things to say for a month - Day 30: Finally a closing chapter to teaching

Day 30: Finally a closing chapter.

I started writing this thread of '31 things to say for a month' about 2 years ago. I was supposed to complete it within a month but then I got so caught up with work and other commitments in life that I left it hanging by the thread. LOL.

A year ago, I left my first job after graduating from the university. When I left my job, I was feeling jaded and was glad that misery had finally ended. However, the job had so many connections to my life for the last 10 years that I could not entirely close this chapter of the book. I took on private tuition as a means to support myself while I did not have a full-time job. I continue to keep in contact with some of my ex-students and they were a constant reminder of the impact that my job could create. Eventually the H2 student whom I taught last year attained an 'A' grade during her 'A' levels and I was the most impressed and also assured. I am glad that I helped steer her to get a place in the university.

I continued with a little private tuition this year and I am glad I rediscover the joy in teaching once again. I enjoy sharing all these little exam tips with my students, helping them to improve on their content and question analysis skills, etc. The more important thing is, I feel happy when they tell me they like the subject more after having lessons with me. However, as I prepare to enter into the next phase of my life, I must really say goodbye to teaching Economics. I can officially close this chapter of my life journey.

I do not know if I will continue to teach when I return next year, but I highly doubt so unless I am really so broke that I need to earn a living via my old business. I love teaching and I think I excel in it because I am not just good with my content but I teach with passion and patience. When I was a student, I was fortunate to have met educators like Prof. Goh Say Song, Dr. Indranil, Dr. Liu Haoming, (I can even name their names) etc. whom I am indebted to for life for sharing so much of their wisdom and knowledge with me when I felt really lost as a freshie. Hence, I aspire to be an educator like them. I wouldn't say I am an A+ teacher but I did my best in the last 10 years, be it when I was teaching private tuition or when I eventually became a full-time teacher. However, I really want to move on to do other things in life now. Maybe some day when I am done with chasing after my dreams and realise that this profession is my one true love, I will return. Nevertheless, the future is filled with uncertainty.

All the students that have crossed paths with me, Thank You. You have indeed lighten up my life in one way or another, be it positively or negatively.

31 things to say for a month - Day 31: Thank You, my Younger Self

Day 31: Thank you, my younger self.

From time to time, people enjoy walking down memory lane. I am not sure if one should take away positives or negatives from all these "back then". I am someone who hardly think about the past, partly because I have a very bad memory, both ST and LT for events to be honest. Also, I have been forward-looking for a large part of my life. I have always see this as a blessing in disguise because though I hardly remember the fond memories of the past, gone with the wind are also the unhappy ones.

As I am preparing to move overseas to pursue my dreams, I decided to sit down to tidy up my crib and that was when memories flood back. Memories of a certain chapter of my life back when I first entered the polytechnic flashed across me and stumbling upon those memories made me realise how naive I was back then. Indeed, with age comes wisdom and I can only laugh at my old self. The fact that I can sit down and write about this shows how much of my life has changed over the last 10 years, in terms of maturity, goals in life and personality.

Sit tight for a real long story.

Goal: The younger me had wanted to open a bar by the age of 28. I was working in an Italian restaurant back then and was immensely interested in cocktails and wines. I had notes on the different types of wines, grapes grown in different regions and how to differentiate them. I had the concoction of various cocktails written down on a small notebook because I need to learn how to make those cocktails while working at the bar. Haha. 10 years later, what have I achieved? xxx

Goal: The younger me had foreseen myself happily married with 2 kids by the age of 28. I will be a working mother but my family will come first. It is 12 years since I wrote that. I have many kids now, teaching other people's kids lol. So at a certain point in time in my life, I had wanted to get married and settled down. What had happened along the way? Perhaps it is my previous job that had made me realise how heavy the responsibility is to have to educate a child, not in terms of the academic teaching but the teaching of morals, values, etc.

Goal: The younger me had wished that I could become a teacher when I grow up. So being an educator has always been part of my plans? I was quite shocked to stumble upon this. My plan was to teach for a few years, save up enough and eventually realise my "bar-owner" dream - live band, family and friends gathering, happiness. If this was an item on my scorecard, I am glad to say that I had attained a perfect score unlike the previous 2.

Goal: The younger me wanted to grow up quickly and enter adulthood. I want to start taking responsibilities, earn income, buy the things that I have always desired since young. Oh no, and now I wished I was still 18. What an irony.

Goal: I wanted to be friends with a lady by the name of SH till the end of time. We will be each other's bridesmaid for our respective weddings, continue to drown in each other's happiness and sorrows even when we are 70 or 80 years old. After stumbling upon this piece of memory, I took out my iPhone immediately and scroll through my contact list, messages and chats. That is when I realised that I cannot find a single footprint of this one friend who was once so important to me. Silly things happened and it was too easy to let go. The "forever" that you speak about when you are young is a "forever" that means "never". Haha. There are some friends whom I had hoped to keep them by my side forever, some more successful than others. I am glad SIDY had evolved into CDGJ and we are still very involved in each other's lives. As for "SH", maybe some day we will meet again. One thing that I have learnt as I age is, there is nothing that is too important that you cannot let go. If you want to be happy, let it go (and the frozen theme song is playing in my head now) when all else fails.

Last piece of the puzzle. There was this one guy who once appeared in my life for a very short 2-3 months but it probably took me a year to forget him. He was about to leave Singapore after we met and back then, I was so adamant that nothing positive would come out of the relationship. So no matter how hard he tried and persuaded me that something can work out, I refused. He even proposed to extend his stay in Singapore or asked if I would be willing to move abroad with him? What kind of a reply would you expect from a 17-year old me? I was young, my family and friends are here and I had so little contact with the bigger world out there awaiting me. I had never taken a plane back then and the furthest that I have been to was Genting Highlands. (LOL find it so embarrassing to say this now.) Where will I find the courage to step out of my comfort zone and confront a world that was full of mysteries, danger and adventure?

On the contrary, I am so ever ready to step out of my comfort zone these days, to want to travel overseas, embark on new adventures, meet new people and go on journeys that may be treacherous but fulfilling. He taught me a lot of things - to be brave, to not have to have a reason to love someone (not for looks, money, personality, etc.) but just this certainty in your heart that you want to be with this someone, to have to let go of anything that is precious if warranted, and many others. After he left, I asked myself what would things like if I had made a different decision when we discussed this and the future. Yet I know we could never change things. This was a life lesson for me too - to never look back and think about "on hindsight". Always look forward and embrace your next challenge.

I had this urge to want to write to him again after those memories flooded back, even though we have not contacted each other for almost 8 years. However, I held back. I think that memories stay fond because we only remember the happiness that it brought to us back then. If we were to try to recreate them in the present or future based on a certain set of expectations from the past, they sour.

如果有一天，梦想都实现，回忆都成了永远
你是否还会记得今天
如果有一天，我们都发觉，原来什么都可以
我们是否还会停留在这里

If one day he chances upon this post and recognises these words, he will know how to contact me I guess.

Thank you, my younger self. Thank you for showing me what made me who I am today. I have to say that I am a better person than who I was and I will continue to beam with my little halo. I hope to still be writing after a decade and look back at who I am today.