You are your own limit

I have been diligently keeping to my one post every fortnight since November and being in isolation does help. It frees up time for me to do things that I would not be doing otherwise. Imagine a typical long day at work, consuming my brain cells for 14 hours and after work, I simply want to relax and play some games or scroll through social media. Now, I can spend 2-3 hours a day on the piano or the guitar. 

This topic that I would like to write about came to mind this very morning although I constantly discuss about these issues with my sister on what we can potentially achieve in life or how far one can go in life. Some people feel that one's achievements in life is highly influenced by their family background i.e. resources while others believe that they can create their own future? Do you believe in fate or destiny? Do you have a head start in life compared to others such that when you are struggling to learn in school, your parents can afford to get you external help and support? Do your parents have the right networks for you to leverage on as you age? I have always been more on the side of capitalism and hence, erred on the side of a free market mechanism for the economy to function and chose it as the way of life. The downside of capitalism is that resource rich entities tend to have a higher starting ground and might lead to wider income inequality and the wealthy ones get to perpetuate their dominance. 

What then would allow one to break out of poverty? Can one really break away from their family background? Resources - either you are born a genius (super smart) or you have resources / networks to get you to where you are. You might have higher cognitive ability such that you can handle more complex tasks, think more deeply into issues and find opportunities in the real world to differentiate yourself and break out of the vicious cycle that your family could be in. It is not uncommon for you to see families of doctors, lawyers i.e. children and grandchildren who take after their parents or grandparents and makes you wonder - if I am born poor, does it mean that I will always be poor or middle income? I ponder over this topic for years, while in my previous job and also today. My conclusion is that "You are your own biggest enemy". 

More often than not, I feel that it has to do with the expectations that you set for yourself in life and whether you believe in what you can achieve. Do not blame it on your parents: Having come across parents of different extremes; some who want their kids to reach for the skies and some who only expect their children to get by in life, be happy and comfortable. No doubt your parents can have a huge impact on what you set out to achieve - if your parents are professionals like doctors, lawyers, bankers, etc. would you then endeavour to emulate them? What if your parents are entrepreneurs - would you then not be able to become a doctor or an engineer? A child does not know what to expect in life - he or she emulates his /her parents' behaviour and at a young age, adopts parental guidance. I feel that as a parent, do not belittle your child; help them build confidence but at the same time, do not be overly demanding as it can create too much stress. However, I also come to realise that life is meant to be stressful. With great power comes great responsibility. If you want to become someone powerful, someone who commands, then it means you have to shoulder huge responsibilities. The ability to handle stress and withstand pressure is a daily affair for high performers. Do not be envious of someone in a powerful position because you do not know what stress he goes through everyday. No one can be ordinary and powerful. Every word that you utter gets put into different context when you become someone powerful. I feel that I have been treading this line very carefully. I believe that I can achieve in life hence I pushed myself hard for a long period of time. When I finally got to somewhere far in life, I start to belittle myself and feel inferior to some others. For 2021, it is time for a change and I am going to try to challenge myself to scale greater heights. 

My thoughts are reflected off my surroundings. Seeing some parents pushing their children really hard and putting them through a lot of stress - I asked myself: is that right or wrong? Will the kid really feel stressed out or will he simply see it as a daily routine to go through countless enrichment classes and homework to become smarter and better than others? Does hard work always translate into results? Will the kid have a nervous breakdown? Should we then not push a child too hard? I seem to have lost my bearings on what is the right direction? I was having a conversation with a friend working in China and this came to mind - the Chinese are investing into the future generation. Many of my Chinese friends are multi-talented - they take music classes, sports training, art, dance, etc. and their parents invest into cultivating their minds from a young age. They also excel in their studies and are extremely intelligent. Will they grow up to be more successful than the others who do not have similar exposure? I feel that if their parents did not try to mould them, their future is equivalent to tossing a coin - can be good or bad. However, when their parents try to invest in their future, they are trying to turn the odds in their child's favour. I then wonder about my own country. I feel that the average SG-ean is smart because of our rigorous education system but being book smart is different from being street smart. Life is a long journey and a lot of lessons simply cannot be picked up from books. You need to meet people, interact and keep learning throughout life. I once read an article about how we excel as a nation and is known to have one of the best education systems in the world - but why then have we not produce a single Noble Prize winner? Being smart and being creative are too different things. I hope I can lean onto the latter more some days. 

Lastly, I would like to touch on the topic of resource curse. Many poor nations that we observe today are experiencing what we call a resource curse whereby because they are blessed with resources, they do not see the need to work as hard as others who do not have the same privileges. Sometimes I see it in some of my smartest and richest friends. They are really smart but they are leading a very ordinary life and I do not belittle this ordinary life but I feel like they have not realised their full potential. I can attribute it to a few reasons: 1. Fear of failure - because they are smart, they are more afraid of failing because they do not want to be judged by others. 2. Taking shortcuts - they do not feel the need to work as hard because they feel that they would achieve the same results as someone who is less smart with half the effort. Over time, it becomes a habit to take shortcuts but if you are forever taking short cuts in life, you cannot go too far either because some roads are meant to be long and arduous and you just have to go through the grit. 3. They are more easily contented with what they have because they can achieve things so easily when they are smart. It is tiring to keep trying to get to new heights - you have to constantly fight and get better. 4. They stay in their comfort zone too much. Some of my richest friends live in comfort. They can afford everything and anything that they want that they do not feel the need to fight for something. 

The purpose of me writing this post is to remind myself all of the above: 

1. You are your own biggest enemy and the limit to your own achievements. If you set out doing something with the mindset that you will fail, then you will definitely fail. 

2. You are what you practise everyday. If you spend your time lying around and not doing anything, you will become the best lazy bum in the world. If you want to achieve something, keep doing it. 

3. Persevere - when I started playing the guitar, I felt like I could never be able to play a bar chord. It just looks impossible to me. I can now play the F-bar chord. It took me a long time but I am now able to do it at least. I will never become a pro because I am too old and my muscles are less conditioned than guitarists who start learning at a young age but at least I can play it now

4. Be happy - we strive so hard in life in pursuit of happiness, right? We climb the corporate ladder, we try to make more money, we try to become a better person because we think that will bring us happiness. what if the road to achieving all of these is an unhappy one? Should we then continue or give up? It is a tough call to make here. So many a times, I had wanted to throw in the towel doing this job but why am I still here? 

Something for a change

Trying to keep to my one post every fortnight...

I must say that work has been extremely busy these days that I am spending my free time chilling and catching up on my sleep whenever I can. My topic for discussion is "Change" - the only constant in our ever changing world I guess. 

People seek a change for a better or worse? More often than not, we do not what to expect when we leave our current status quo. I have always embraced change more readily than I expected and it has to be attributed to my childhood experiences. At the age of 10, I moved to a new school and had to adapt to a brand new environment - everyone in the class had their own cliques and as a transferee, I had to learn to fit into the different groups. Although I was too young to understand anything at that time, when I looked back at those times, I could understand my own fears and lack of confidence back then. Fortunately, I met people who extended a helping hand - Sam who brought me into choir, Charlotte who helped me so much and was my best friend in the school, had two odd but also kind-hearted neighbours sitting within my group - CP, WM, AZ, ZB. I failed to leave up to expectations early in life and despite being in the best class in the school, I went to a "neighbourhood" school and was the only one from my class who went to that school, when all my classmates went to top schools. That motivated me to strive and work hard in secondary school and also shaped my future endeavours and work attitude. You can be smart but you still need to be diligent to consistently perform in life. 

Then came the transition into pre-university. Though I did decently well to get into a JC, I chose a polytechnic and had to face a brand new environment alone once again. This did not stop even when I moved from the polytechnic to University and the first 20 years of my life had been all about facing the "music" all alone each and every time. It made me a stronger and highly adaptable person because I had to be more outgoing to meet new strangers while others had their own "comfort zone" of friends to navigate their freshmen years with them. As a result, I made many cliques of friends growing up though not all stayed in touch with me subsequently. However, some days, I do wonder if my life would have been much different had I chosen similar paths as my classmates at the different junctures in life and had a comfort zone which I could stay within? Would I be more resistant towards change as an adult and chose certainty over uncertainty in the next 10 years to come after university? 

This behaviour of having to adapt to change did not stop even as a working adult. I chose to leave my first career and further my studies, travel around the world to work and study and more often than not, I was always ALONE. The first few weeks or months of being in a foreign country or city was always painful, I have to say. Having to navigate a new city, figure out the way of life, culture, and trying to settle in and looking for a place to live in were filled with challenges but that did not deter me from constantly changing my lifestyle and career pursuits. In the last one year, I found myself stagnant and finally not changing. Being in the same team and same job and doing the same things throughout the last entire year. Everything was sucked out of my life - friends, hobbies i.e. badminton, sports, travel, etc. and all that I am left with in the last 1 year was basically getting out of bed, switching on the computer and started working then eat, shower, workout a little, play some games, watch some entertainment and back to sleep. I must say that it was quite interesting and enjoyable for the first few months when I finally could realise my dream of working from home but as time goes, it started to get really dreadful. You feel like you are an "outsourced" worker and people will send you emails and call you to get something done and if they needed nothing from you, you will not hear from them. It can be quite scary and you start to ponder upon your value in the team / firm, etc. You start to lose motivation as well because you do not see what others are doing and all you see is yourself buried under a pile of work. Work from home was supposed to be a "change for the better" in my mind whereby you have more work life balance since you no longer have to Facetime in the office but it seems to turn out otherwise. It has become so convenient for you to log on remotely so you are also expected to deliver much quicker as so long as you are not the one making the changes, every change is a "quick" one and should not take too much time! HAHA!

I once saw a quote - "You have to let go of the past in order to move forward". The burden of the "past" is what makes people reluctant to change. Regardless that the past is a heavy burden, uncertainty of the future after making a change is perceived as a BIGGER burden than the current one. This is what makes people stay at in comfort zone for as long as they can and not take the step forward. These days, I feel the same way too. I am comfortable where I am right now, should I change? What change should I be going for and will the change result in me becoming better than what I am today or where I am today? The older you get, the heavier the burden of the past, likewise is the perceived burden of change. That is why there is a saying that one bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. 

For me, I am comfortable in my current job. I know the floor well and know the processes and systems well. Why make a change? I will not be the best but I am definitely not the worst. 

For me, I am comfortable where I am living now even though there is no good heating and it is freezing during winter. I feel that I have my own privacy and my flatmate leaves me alone when I do not want to interact with her as I have experiences of flatmates who are so desperate to find someone to talk to all the time and bug you all the time. It is a distance from my office and it would be good / better if I find a place nearer to my office, with heating and also perhaps by the Thames with better view. 

For me, I am comfortable bunkering down in London until the situation gets better but I really want to go home too. I want to be able to walk the streets again without fear, go back to badminton/ sports and meet my family and friends in real life. If I were to just take the plunge and fly back to SG, I would then be able to have a more "normal" lifestyle but I just cannot pull myself out of my current comfort zone. 

It is 2021, time for a change, really. 

A post a month - marriage

I am a little late with keeping to my "One post every fortnight" resolution. There are a few topics that I would like to write about but some days, I just get lazy and those topics slip my mind soon after. Today, I shall write about a rather sacred topic - Marriage. 

I believe I have written about this previously but having written over a 1,000 posts in the last 13 years, I find it difficult to locate my old post. I guess I have gone past the age of "marriage" compared to the last time I wrote about it but I doubt my mindset has changed. I have more questions than answers towards Marriage at least. 

When people used to go for blind dates and arranged marriage, they stay together forever. These days, people have the freedom to pursue love yet they end up in a divorce. (1) Why is that so? That brings me to the million-dollar question - (2) what does Marriage mean to you? Some people marry for love, others do it for companionship, then you have those who do it out of responsibility, and a bunch who do it for the lineage and not forgetting those who see it as part of life's journey. 

Whatever your reason for marriage, (3) what would be the real reason why you stay in that marriage? You are really happy in your marriage, you love your spouse, you stay together because of the kids though there is no love anymore, you are afraid of being judged if you were to divorce, you have no financial ability to live alone, you are afraid of loneliness, or you are trying to stay true to your vows. 

Life is a long journey and assuming that you get married at between 25-30, you will actually spend half of your lifetime with your spouse. You have to tolerate each other's whims and fancies and shoulder the responsibility of a family together. Along the way, you get into fights and disagreements, learn to tolerate each other's quirks but out of marriage, you get someone to lean on when you are down and have someone to share your happiness with. You gain some and you lose some in a marriage and like tossing a coin, the odds that you will be happy is 50% and the odds that you will be unhappy is 50%. (4) Why then do some people not cherish what they have in a marriage and end up in a divorce? Some were subjected to abuse, some want out because they no longer feel any love towards each other to the extent that they actually hate each other, another might have found new love elsewhere. (5) Is it so hard to stay faithful to one person? (6) Why is it that the majority of the developed countries does not allow polygamy - one husband, many wives or one wife, many husbands? (7) What downsides would there be if this was a free-for-all society? 

Every girl dreams about marriage at some point in their lives, (8) why is then there an increasing trend of women staying single nowadays? (9) Why are people getting married at an older age? (10) What is the reason why you are still single? (11) Why do we need to get married? 

All these questions race through my mind all the time and even sometimes in my conversations with others. We live in such a different world today whereby we are constantly exposed to new technologies, new people, new lifestyles, a new environment. We get bored so easily when our lives become repetitive and hence we desire new challenges, fresh ideas and perspectives all the time. The bottom line is that we face temptations that make us overstep our supposed boundaries - an attractive man / woman comes along and we start to make comparisons between our current spouse and this "new" companion. The common dreams/ aspirations that a couple faces change over time. A couple bickers over the daily grind of life - the finances, the lifestyle, the poor living habits, the kids' education, the house, the car, the holidays, the meals, the grouses etc. 

(12) Do you still believe in happiness and an everlasting marriage? 

Goodbye 2020, you were not so welcome anyway

Last post of the year, here we go! 

This has been an extremely odd year, not just for me but for everyone, given Covid. Our usual way of life was transformed completely, things that we used to take for granted has now become an essential e.g. masks, washing our hands, spending time with our family and friends such as having a simple meal together, holding hands, giving hugs, soap, clean water etc. and things that we used to covet have become so useless while in quarantine and staying home e.g. branded clothes and shoes, cars, etc. There is so much to write as so many thoughts were flashing through my mind in the last 48-72h, however I am a bit loss for words now that I am right here typing. 

I shall start off with my reflections. As I looked back at this year and the new year resolutions that I set for myself:

1. Master one song on the guitar - preferably Mayday's song  拥抱，知足

2. Visit Russia Highly unlikely even for the next 1 year

3. Go on a family trip with my nieces (C, A) though this is probably beyond my control Highly unlikely even for the next 1 year

4. Live a healthier lifestyle - sleep earlier, more fruits (twice per week?) / vegetables, less chocolates and sweets, cutting away my snacking behaviour of eating chocolates everyday HAHAHA! I thought I did well during the first lockdown, not eating chocolates for 3 weeks in a row but it did not last long before I went back to my old ways. However, I did eat more fruits - blueberries/ apples weekly

5. Figure out my next step for this new decade - where next? what next? I guess my next step is still my current step but have a bit more direction

6. Look beyond others' judgment and live life / deal with work such that I am not subjected to anyone's whims and fancies

7. I hope my skin condition (face) improves - have been plagued by this acne problem ever since I left Singapore and sometimes I do not even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore :( Improved a lot during the first lockdown but back to the same old issue again in the last few months. I think it is mainly caused by stress and my snacking habit. When I was extremely occupied with work during Aug and Oct, that was when outbreaks became more common

Well, I did strike off quite a few items on the list so I am glad. I picked up new skills as well and now can play the keyboard a bit. :) I made loads of progress on the guitar I must say, having learnt at least 10 songs now. My biggest companion in lockdown was the guitar and keyboard. What else?

One thing that I would like to talk about is routines - As I spent the last 9 months at home, I had plenty of opportunities to build up routines however, I realise that it is really tough. During the first lockdown, my routine revolved around making my own meals, playing the guitar for at least 30-45minutes each day, doing some stretching exercises daily. It was relatively easy to maintain and after my one-week break, I started to incorporate swinging the badminton racquet daily so I do not lose my skills, starting to play the keyboard (sometimes could play for 1-2 hours), re-learning Spanish again and taking online courses on politics, finance, music theory etc. It got too much for me in July /August when work was not just buy but overwhelming. I had to drop some of my KPIs haha! By the Sep break, I did none of the above on a daily basis. Instead, I did whatever I could during my spare time. After the Sep break, I started to do home workout exercises every other day or every 3 days (maximum) but I dropped Spanish lessons. Throughout these 9 months, it made me realised that it is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to keep up with having routines. I really salute people who can keep a daily routine for years because we all have days when we feel lazy and want to just lie in bed and not do anything. Going forward, I hope life regains some normalcy in 2021 and I can get back into my routine of playing badminton at least once a week ^_^

This then brings me to the next topic: bingeing on dramas. I prefer watching variety shows rather than dramas because once I start on a drama, I cannot stop. I will load one episode after another and before I know it, I finish a 50 episodes drama in like 2 days, watching it day and night. In those 2 days, I will drop all my routines and not play the guitar nor keyboard or even eat proper meals LOL. I will just snug under my covers with my curtains drawn and let day and night pass me by. I do not really enjoy such a lifestyle because I feel as though my life is being drained away. I would have a sense of guilt/ remorse for bingeing on dramas. Hence, I am hesitant to watch too many dramas. However, variety shows have a stipulated stop typically 12 episodes and there is not so much of a push to have to load the next episode when one ends as they are not linked.

I perhaps need not emphasise on the things that I miss this year: Badminton, Sports, Travel, seeing my family and friends for I have not been home the entire year, not taken a single flight the entire year and I have pretty much been living in isolation. T_T I feel like I am Tom Hanks in Castaway sometimes, albeit without Wilson and the beard. Wilson is probably my guitar. The good thing is I do not feel like I am entirely cut off from the world or my family because of Facetime. I get to call my nieces 2-3 times a week and seeing their happy faces cheers me up. 

This was also a particularly difficult year when it comes to making decisions. I had wanted to go home on 3 different occasions and time and again, I did not. I just felt that I could wait a little while more and that the pandemic will be over, there will be less risks involved, etc. but unfortunately, hitherto, that day has not arrived. Simple decisions like buying some clothes, buying some household items, buying gifts for my nieces/nephews, etc. can also trouble me for days because I wonder if I have any use for them e.g. if I were to return home, when would I be able to return to the office, etc. I hate it this way because I am usually a very decisive person and once I decide on something, I almost never change my minds yet I see myself taking a U-turn multiple times this year. 

I have become more risk averse as I age as well. I was someone who packed my bags and went to Vietnam for 21 days without a planned itinerary and went to anywhere that I liked. Where is the girl who braced all odds to travel solo for 3 weeks in Europe and Morocco? I pulled the plug on an amazing career and path and went unemployed for 9 months and travelled for almost 6 months after. I still vividly remember the butterflies in my stomach when I left home 5 years ago and embark on a brand new journey to study in Europe and LATAM and then did a 25-day trip in Peru, hopping from one unknown city to another just to realise my dream of visiting Machu Picchu one day. I can never forget the sounds and sights during my 2-month travel in South America. I moved to New York without a job to do a free internship just to live my American dream. No one knows how many times I sat near Brooklyn and Manhattan bridge listening to Mayday and JJ Lin songs and questioning myself whether I will ever find my next step in life? Then came the descend into the most questionable place on earth, Middle East, doing a mid-career switch into one of the most competitive and notorious modern industry. When I look back at my life thus far, I can no longer figure out what gave me the motivation or courage to overcome my fears to face the uncertainty when I made all those decisions? During one of my interviews, I told the interviewer. All my life, I have been choosing uncertainty when I faced certainty. This is the one time that I want to choose certainty over uncertainty. Now, I would be hesitant to quit my job, no matter how many times I had the resignation letter typed. Now, I cannot even convince myself to travel to anywhere in Europe no matter how close I am. Now, do I still even dream? If I do dream, what do I dream about then? This is the one thing that I dislike about my life right now if you ask me - I no longer dream. I no longer have a "dream" destination, "dream" job, "dream" city to live in, a real "dream" that would make me want to go all out and against all odds to work for. I will play the guitar and keyboard when I want to, I will travel when I am allowed to, I will move to another city/ country to work if the opportunity arises. I am simply waiting for things to happen, for opportunities to knock rather than actively pursuing it. Perhaps it is momentary because of C but who knows? Your dreams will fuel you, so never never lose your dreams. 

Some people tell me perhaps aiming to buy your own home could push you - not really as although I do envy people who have their own nice cosy loft, I desire to be a global citizen with the seven seas as my home. Buying a nice big house with a mortgage will only keep me locked in like a cage. How about starting a family? That is even scarier. I love kids to be honest but I cannot imagine being tied down by a kid for the next 20 years of my life. It is not about the physical responsibilities of feeding, changing diapers, etc. but the education, upbringing, and associated worries that come with it - whether the child is healthy, whether the child will grow up to become an upright person, etc.

I am a strong believer of "no pain, no gain". Everything in life has to be traded. Nothing comes for free. People trade in their freedom to gain companionship - a spouse and child(ren). People trade in their time for status - a C-suite personnel having to look at emails all time, sacrificing time with their family, sacrificing their hair and brain cells for their position. People trade in their privacy and self-worth to become celebrities - taking in people's abusive remarks and criticisms. People trade in their own lives to save other lives - a medical professional in a pandemic. People trade in their innocence to grow up. There are so many more examples, and there is simply no right or wrong. It is all about perspective and what you are after in life. What did I trade in for my profession? 

Someone once told me that I was innocent and naive (in a good way) when I was 18. I let my feelings dictate my decisions. When you get older, your decisions tend to be more thought-out because your feelings will not be your sole consideration. I did not understand what that meant at that time. Now that I am all grown-up, I am thankful that I once received these words of wisdom. I am a very "young at heart" person, known as a chatterbox in my younger days, enjoys cracking jokes, etc. but as I age, I feel that I have to behave more maturely and considerate towards others. I joke less because I am not sure if my unintended words would hurt my recipient. I dare not speak my mind because I feel it is unnecessary - you should never have to waste time trying to convince someone. If you do, it means you share different POV and having differences is what makes us similar. I become quieter as I respect privacy, differences, etc. To a certain extent, some of my friends/colleagues tell me that I am too tense and serious at times or that they think that I am a shy person. In my heart, I tell myself that these people who make such comments about me do not know the real me. I used to be labeled as opinionated, outspoken, outgoing and bubbly back in school. I guess this is all part and parcel of growing up but I do reminisce about the past from time to time; times when I could be who I am freely, not having to care about how others will judge me or if my actions would hurt anyone. No one has the ability to remain a child all their life so we have to accept what comes our way. Perhaps it is not that they do not know me but that I have changed. I am no longer the me when I was 18/20/22. Whether it is the old me or the new me, I have to live with it. 

With that, I sign off my last post of 2020 with my resolutions for next year:

1. Learn swimming

2. Return to tennis

3. Be happy - be less serious, joke more and relive a little bit of my 18th year old year

When I was young, I wanted to be extraordinary. I want to be different; break out of the mould of having a good education, good job, good family, beautiful house in my home country, hence I left home. Today, on the last day of the year, I saw a saying that actually stirred up some emotions in me - 这一生志愿平凡快乐，谁说这样不伟大呢？In English, it means "Who says an ambition cannot be as simple as living an ordinary and happy life?" It struck a chord in me because I was watching a drama recently and the actor in the show also transitioned from a typical white office collar to becoming a star. When he shot to fame, he then faced some criticisms which honestly is no fault of his. It made me wonder - what made him decide to enter showbiz when he had already had a decent job and could live a simple and peaceful life away from the blinding lights and cameras of showbiz and be subjected to public scrutiny, especially entertainment is also a highly competitive industry and one having to face newcomers that probably started training at a young age and making their debut at half his age? It does not seem like his life dream was to become a celebrity because if he did, he probably would have started much earlier neither did he seem like he was doing it for money. I guess only he himself knows and GOD knows. 

With that, I sign off: If I were to choose again, I would still choose to be extraordinary and made the same choices that I did. 

管他熙熙攘攘阳关道 
我偏要一条独木桥走到黑

I miss badminton

Two weeks on, I have new thoughts to share. I went back to the office the day before my birthday to pick up my bag and belongings from the office just in case I would like to return home anytime soon. Life seems pretty normal on the streets, albeit office was really quiet and Broadgate Circle was almost like a ghost town, like on weekends. I really miss the bustling Broadgate Circle filled with beer-goers in the evenings and on Friday nights, miss the typing in the office, miss going for lunches and coffee breaks with V. When can we return to normal? 

I am officially a year older again as well. This birthday was relatively quiet, given C. I did not travel anywhere but stayed in my room the entire day. I chatted with my family, reconnected with some old friends - badminton ones, teenage years one, BenC, AW, etc. I really MISS EVERYONE. I miss BADMINTON so so so much. It has been 9 months since I last hit a shuttle and these days, I can only swing my racquet in my room and hit the shuttle on my own. C, you took away so much in our lives. When I watched old badminton videos, I cannot tell you how much I miss my badminton mates in Dubai, people whom I meet week in week out, loads of jokes on the court, the camaraderie we had in going through one tournament after another. Badminton was really my sole social support back in Dubai outside of work. I really wish to go back to playing. 

On another note, I was looking to buy a flat recently and realise the cost of one. It is so expensive and I suddenly have the thought to just return to UAE / Dubai and live for another 2-3 years so that I can save up more. The salary that I earn in the UK is really S H I T. Life can be such a pain at times. You have to think and save up for the future while living in the moment. I keep thinking that I have saved enough but truth is, it is never quite enough. In two weeks' time, I will be writing my final blog post for the year. 2020, you have been extraordinary and I honestly have a love-hate relationship with this year. 

I have always been hesitant about returning to Singapore. Having had my own living space for the last 5 years, I really cannot return to squeezing in a tiny room with my sister. I enjoy living overseas and the price I pay is the high taxes here in the UK. Now, I am thinking about returning to Singapore. A thought struck me recently that my grandma is getting really old and her time on Earth might be really limited. I would like to be able to spend more time with her while I still can, play mahjong with her, visit her, eat her cooking and chat with her. While my nieces are still young, they still have a whole lifetime ahead of them while the sun is setting for my grandma. I will try to look for a job in Singapore more actively. 

What will our world become?

9 months since this whole pandemic unfolded in Europe / London. Some days I ask myself, would I be better off if I were currently still in Dubai or is London a better option? From what I heard from my friends in Dubai, movement is relatively free these days albeit there has been an increase in crime rate. My personal feeling is that I am probably better off here in London than Dubai. 

I cannot help but wonder what would our world be like after we get a vaccine and we get some normality back into our lives. It has been 9 months since I bid farewell to CD in the office and we both felt that it would be a long time before we next see each other. Never did we think it would be 9 months and probably a year even. I really wish to go home but I just cannot get past my own conscience to take the risk and travel and risk spreading the virus. It is like if I were to get C and die, I would be absolutely fine with it, what I do not want is to risk spreading the virus to my family and friends and put them at risk. I would be guilty for the rest of my lives. Perhaps I am too conscious, perhaps I am too risk-averse but I really have the urge to just put everything down, pack my bags and go back to Singapore and never return to the UK again. A two months stay in Singapore would be great, given that I have not been back home for more than 1 month in the last 5 years. I was always back for 2-3 weeks then off to another place on Earth shortly after. No one will know the number of times I visited the SIA website to check flights, almost every other day I am on, counting the number of days that I can work from Singapore, etc. No one can really understand what I am going through, put it that way. I am not feeling awful for I know this is the price that one has to pay when one decides to uproot from home.

I thought about all the potential avenues for the virus to spread - pubs, restaurants, supermarkets, touching the same groceries, trying out the same outfit while shopping, sleeping on the same bed in the hotel (despite bedsheets being clean), sharing a uber with a stranger, airbnb - what will happen to the whole sharing economy which has had a massive boom in the last decade. Would you still be willing to share? The more I stay home, the more I have to shoulder the burden of - given that I have waited so long and persevere so long in limiting my movement so as to avoid spreading the virus, why should I be giving it all up when a vaccine is so close in sight and give up all the effort that I have put in so far to try my best to break the spread? 

However, I realise that not everyone thinks like me - my colleagues who continue to socialise, have drinks together (even though some of them might already have had C) and even to the extent of disregarding rules. I really cannot concur with their behaviour and I do not see why I have to cave in to peer pressure to meet with them. I have nothing much to talk to them about because they will be making jokes about "who-who" in the office, ranting about work and making stupid lame jokes about C, about work, about people whom I at times find really superficial. I know that I can be a pretty serious person and rather geeky I would say, because I enjoy intellectual conversations on politics, economics, life in general rather than muse about the daily struggles of life. I would be very happy to go play sports with people and learn new things but I really hate just talking for the sake of talking and laughing for the sake of laughing. Getting on team calls to hear people making jokes about lockdown etc. really gets on my nerves and -_- is my favourite emoticon these days. I know that not everyone takes life as seriously as I do, particularly here in Europe but sometimes I cannot help but wonder if the best of the people in this continent is capable of only this much, and are they then worth the sacrifices of their fellow healthcare professionals (whom they probably deem as less of an equal to these so-called white collar PROFESSIONALS) to be trying to save their lives when they get hospitalised after they party and get C? 

The world is a strange place and days when I want to trust in God that he will put everything in place again, I cannot help but wonder why is he letting all these selfish people scoot freely and continue to harm others? Inshallah, God will have his own verdict and judgement in due course. 

*Keeping to my one blog post per month ^_^

If you move between time

I am catching up these days, not just 1 blog post every quarter but at least very month and if I have more time, I will try writing fortnightly. After all, I do enjoy writing and words are definitely my love language, for I always remember - Speaking is talking to a moment, writing is talking to eternity. 

Today, I shall write about things that I used to enjoy when I was a kid but no longer do as an adult. Well, I did not grow up in such a well-to-do family and as a child, I had many desires that I could not fulfill. I enjoyed buying small little accessories, be it pouches, home decors, pens, key chains etc. but could hardly afford them. Purses were tight and there was no chance my mom would give me the opportunity to buy any of those. I recall when I was about fifteen, I had a bag filled with iron-ons of weird little characters, etc. and that was one of my favourite bags, really. My favourite cartoon character was Doraemon but I like Slam dunk, Rilakumma, etc. and one of my favourite soft toys was this monkey (I cannot recall its name right now but I still have it at home!) and they were all gifts from my best friends. Over time, I grew up and now I am able to buy as many of them as I wish but I realise I have no desires to buy them anymore. 

Instead, I became a collector of souvenirs from all over the world. Every city /country that I go to, I try to bring back something unique e.g. magnets, shot glasses, paintings (at least 15-20  that I do not even have any space to hang any of them) - you name it, I have it. The most classic of all has to be the Turkish lamp which I was in love with but owing to me on a 2 month travel spree at that time, my luggage hardly had any extra space for anything bulky and my friend was all out to stop me. I ended up buying a mini hot-air balloon HAHA but I had my cousin to thank who bought it for me from Turkey! Well, the lamp is sitting right at home and I have turned it on like twice in the last 5 years? 

I know that some day, all of these souvenirs would be dumped or gifted the day I stop breathing but I never regret buying any of those. I buy them for keepsake, so that when I look at them or think about them from time to time, I remember the memories that accompany them e.g. Dad bought the clock from Murano in Venice and is now sitting right on the wall back at home and it brings back so much fond memories of our Europe trip and I know that Venice was definitely my parents' favourite place in Europe in those two weeks.

These days, when I talk to my nieces/ nephews, I realise that everyone is a collector at heart - nieces, a collector of stickers and nephews, a collector of toys/ cars etc. From an adult's perspective and being someone who went through all of these, sometimes, we tend to think it is a waste of money to buy all those things because some day when we grow up (like I do now), we will then realise how much of a wastage those things are. However, looking at them made me reflect upon my own childhood and ponder over the battle between needs and wants. They are trying to fulfill their desires i.e. wants (just like when I was a kid) but those are not necessities. Given that current finances are in a much better position than when I was a kid, we unknowingly fulfill their desires because we do not want them to feel deprived like we did when we were young. Nevertheless, there needs to be a good balance in helping them find their wants and needs. Life is not all about fulfilling needs but also fulfilling wants from time to time so that they grow up happy and fulfilled. What is important is we help them to grow and see value in their desires. 

Besides my collector nature, I realised that I have become so much of a foodie as I age. I used to love eating pizza crusts when I was a kid and I am the kind of person who would leave the favourite part of any food to the last. Hence, I always made the point to start eating the fillings and leave the crust to the last. In Mandarin, we call this bitter first then sweet. HAHA! I do not know when it started but I realise that I dislike eating crusts over time. These days, I would only eat the fillings and not eat the pizza crust LOL! How weird that one's taste changes. Another of the many changes that I observed about myself has to be my love for seafood - I never ate any seafood before the age of 16 I would say. I eat only chicken, fish and probably a bit of pork. As I grew older, I like only seafood and nothing else HAHA. If I had to choose between seafood and meat, I would always go for seafood! How weird is this? Another of those food that has crept into my diet unknowingly is yoghurt. I used to find yoghurt disgusting, after all it is sour. However, I am eating 3-4 yoghurts on a weekly basis these days. Some changes are for the better, some are for the worse but my point is, we do not stop growing and changing no matter how old we are. :) 

Q3 2020

I told myself that I have to write at least once every quarter given this space has been really empty ever since I started working. Today, I shall write about the thing that has taken away my time from writing - Work. 

My affair with this job started in 2016 November in a small apartment in NY, in a little kitchen where I contemplated joining this field, given all the talk about the $$, the prestige, and how it is a field for elites blah blah blah. Sub-consciously, I view it as a challenge to get into the industry, to put all my CFA knowledge into use, to become a true finance professional. I browse the job websites of all the banking institutions, random private equity firms and even did a free internship to hone my modeling skills. The call for an interview finally came in December and you cannot imagine my excitement back then. It was not easy to start afresh in a second career given the success that I have enjoyed in my first career and me calling it quits when I was about to be promoted. Three months later, I found myself moving to the fifth different city in a span of eighteen months. Loads went through my mind - the culture, the work, the uncertainty, the new city such as finding an apartment near to work, and not forgetting the desert weather. Many a times, I broke down and questioned myself if I made the right decision, moving out of my comfort zone, starting a new career like a fresh graduate and be subjected to judgment, sarcasm, etc. When I looked back at my decision back then to go against all odds and how I bite the bullet and pulled it through, I would like to give myself a pat on the back because no one can imagine what I went through in the last 3.5 years at work and 5 years from leaving my family, friends and home behind and plunge into the unknown. 

The purpose of my post today is not to brag about my experiences but to write about the values that my work has taught me. 

1. Grit - You are constantly given "deadlines" that you have to meet and even if you do not, no lives are lost but you still have to adhere to it. You find yourself working into the wee hours of the morning, your brain entirely fried and physically drained but you still show up the next morning at 9am despite sleeping only 2-3 hours. Two all-nighters in a row in my second month into my internship - I can only thank my mahjong all-nighters for providing the training ground in my younger days, that you have to concentrate no matter how tired you are otherwise the dollars will fly (LOL). This job is really all about perseverance because there is an end in sight in every project or assignment although this cycle will continuously repeat itself throughout your career. :p I have pulled countless all-nighters since the first one and each time I have to go through it, I told myself perhaps I have other calling. I have to thank this job for training my resilience and perseverance and that is how I survived my analyst years. 

2. Growth mindset - I cannot say how important this is until I speak with my family members or friends. Often, we feel that we have stopped learning ever since we left school and we expect our education to have taught us everything that we need to survive in the workforce, particularly knowledge. We would want to consult the "experts" in the field when we are faced with uncertainty or ask for help however, in this job, you always have to "have a first cut" at something before someone more senior steps in to guide you or perhaps no one is able to guide you (LOL). I constantly learn, read up on processes, technical knowledge, modeling skills (I am still learning new things now) and learn how to "deal with people" and "manage expectations". Everyone wants to be prioritised but you only have a pair of hands and eyes and a single brain to work on something, in case anyone realised. In contrast to my first career whereby your learning curve hits a plateau rather quickly (if you are a fast learner) and then you find yourself repeating yourself over and over again and the work can get mundane. You are doing the same thing albeit with different people whereas now, I am doing different things with different people all the time. The way to excel in this job is to always be one step ahead and keep learning and believing that you can learn. 

However, I feel that there is a dark side to this job at the same time:

1. Trust - you never know who is playing you out so your trust in someone diminishes over time no matter how strong that initial trust could be. You can only trust yourself, fight for your career and win your own mandates. 

2. You cannot show your weakness or that you are vulnerable - the moment you do, you will feel judged by others all the time (because everyone is so smart). You are down on the rankings and you are "no longer important". Everyone is working hard and pulling all-nighters, why aren't you and why can't you? There is no excuse for being weak, you have to be strong all the time. 

I love my job, however loving my job = losing myself and not being able to love myself in the way I want to anymore and being myself.