Adjustments

There is always so much ongoing in my head but when it comes to having to pen them down, there is so much inertia. It is not that I do not enjoy writing or whatsoever, rather I just feel tired after work and I would rather hit the sack.

After coming back from training in London, life is back to chaos and weekend work. I found a new mechanism to cope with the stress and long hours of work and so far it is working well - having something to look forward to. I really enjoy my weekly badminton sessions, thrice a week gym sessions and my trips back home. For now, I am counting down to November when I get to go back for a weekend to attend Efu’s and Amanda’s birthdays. 1 more month to go so in the short run, I count down to my weekly Badminton sessions. Some of the people at the club are really good and I really enjoy playing with them and learning from them. This method has worked well so far, I feel less upset about having to work those hours and it makes me happy when I get to play Badminton to unwind and also go to the gym!

I do not know how long this method will keep me sane and make my life less miserable but hopefully it lasts for the next 4 months until at least CNY! It will be March then and at least I have my bonus to look forward to. :)

What on earth is happiness?

This space has been empty for quite some time. A lot of thoughts flow through my mind every single day but I am just too lazy to pen them down. I have a brand new life now, accomplished what I had set out in one of my new year resolutions but here I am, sitting and pondering about my next step in life AGAIN. I think I simply think too much at times. Overthinking makes one unhappy. When I look at the people around me, I have a million dollar question for them - Are you happy with your life? I think it will jolt some people out of their comfort zone and set them thinking about what truly makes them happy but at the same time, I am bound to hear amazing stories of how people are so satisfied about their life.What then determines if you are truly happy? For me, when I wake up in the morning and look into myself in the mirror, I ask myself that question. I am not unhappy, but I am not happy either. One would then question, but you have gotten what you wanted, so why are you still not satisfied?

I love writing, because as I pen down my thoughts, I reflect on what I had written previously and it makes me realise that I have been blessed with a lot more than what the average person out there has. I am not in the top 1% percentile for sure but I think one needs to draw a line and toe it. I can never be like kids from wealthy family and live without worries for $$ or old age but at the same time, I do not have the worries about shouldering the burden of a family. No doubt I find my daily life mundane at times, and when I think about that, I feel fear. Having gone through 3 decades of time on earth, I have grown accustomed to the many ups and downs in life, sometimes even immune to the sufferings that I see, not knowing how I can change life and leave a mark on earth anymore. I just want to dissipate into thin air the day my time on earth ends. This is when I look at my parents who have spent twice the time I do on earth and feel only suffering and misery and nothing else. They have nothing to look forward to in life yet they have go through the daily grit of life, repeating the same routine over and over again. I bet some days, they wish they could finally leave Earth to be with God.

There is a saying in Chinese that kind people are blessed to live a shorter time on Earth and leave to be with God. I did not appreciate this saying 10 years back but these days, as signs of old age batter on me, I start to wonder when will the time come for me to finally be with God? Someone once told me that we fight to survive and if some day we are in a life and death situation, our instinct is to fight to stay alive. I am not so sure if I still have that animal instinct in me. I will miss the people who have shown me so much love and care and am fully aware that my departure will inflict pain and misery on them. It will be selfish of me to not want to fight to keep my breath but some days, I just think that I would love to be back with Nature sooner and finally let go of the struggles of existence.

We all need friends

2.5 months has passed since I set sailed. I cannot recall the number of times that I think about New York during my time here. Although I had my fair share of frustrations in NY, such as having to figure out my next step in life, wanting more ME time and not having to entertain too much, I loved my time in NY. I had friends to go for lunches with, out for a movie, dinner, etc. Here, I do everything alone and I for once, understood the meaning of loneliness. I have always felt that I could live alone and be all by myself but during my time here, I realised that although I could, I do not enjoy it as much. I am used to having my siblings talking crap with me before we go to bed, tell lame jokes, etc. From time to time, I need my own personal space to ponder over things but more often than not, I need to talk to people! Travelling alone has helped to build up resilience but when I am travelling, I am constantly exploring new places, meeting new people, etc. but who do I meet here? I guess being alone really helps you to discover your inner self.

还好没有如果，让我们相遇了

Another song that touches my heart deeply is the one below. Have you ever wondered how different your life would have been if you have not met a certain someone in your life? Sometimes I wish I could have met the "right" person in life that would make me want to put down everything that I am chasing after right now. Every other day that I am here, I ask myself the meaning of what I am doing now, and I guess I am just like every walking soul out there who is in a constant search for the meaning of life and the things that we do. When you are immersed in a sea of souls and people rushing everyday to figure out how to make more money and make themselves happier, you ask yourself, "how about yourself?"

Indeed, someone once made me felt no fear of dying because I met him in my life. He changed my perspectives, my world view, etc. that's why I like a particular phrase of this set of lyrics below - "身旁有了你 匆匆轮回又有何惧"

The line that touches me the most is this, "某一天某一刻某次呼吸 我们终将在分离
而我的自传里曾经有你 没有遗憾的诗句"

Some day, a moment, in a breath, we are gonna part (life and death) but you once appeared in my life and I had no regrets.

诗句里充满感激
如果我们不曾相遇，我会是在哪里
如果我们从不曾相识，不存在这首歌曲

每秒都活着，每秒都死去
每秒都问着自己，谁不曾找寻，谁不曾怀疑，茫茫人海奔向何地

那一天那一刻那个场景
你出现在我生命 从此后从人生从新定义 从我故事里苏醒

如果我们不曾相遇 你又会在哪里
如果我们从不曾相识 人间又如何运行

晒伤的脱皮 意外的雪景
与你相依的四季 苍狗又白云 身旁有了你 匆匆轮回又有何惧

那一天 那一刻 那个场景 你出现在我生命
每一分每一秒 每个表情 故事都充满惊奇

偶然与巧合 舞动了蝶翼 谁的心头风起
前仆而后继 万千人追寻 荒漠唯一菩提
是擦身相遇 或擦肩而去 命运犹如险棋
无数时间线 无尽可能性 终于交织向你

那一天那一刻那个场景 你出现在我生命
未知的未来的 未定几率 然而此刻拥有你

某一天某一刻某次呼吸 我们终将在分离
而我的自传里曾经有你 没有遗憾的诗句
诗句里充满感激

如果我们不曾相遇 我会是在哪里
如果我们从不曾相识 不存在这首歌曲

A third of a year has gone past

I do not know how much of an influence my first career has on me but it seems like I am someone who enjoys reviewing my life and evaluating myself against the goals that I have set for myself at the beginning of each year. Indeed, a third of the year has gone past and it seems only yesterday when I was living in NYC and working in the UN. Yet, 2 months in this job felt like 2 years and I cannot exactly comment on whether time has whizzed past me or has seemed like forever, hitherto.

First, the assessment. I got a job in finance and bought the 2nd guitar of my life. 15 years ago, I tried so hard to persuade my mom to let me withdraw some money from my savings account to buy a guitar and take up guitar lessons. I attended a few lessons and eventually the guitar faded into the background and is lying somewhere in the storeroom. When I look back at those times, I feel like a loser. I had given up halfway a million times in my pursuits, be it learning swimming (Pri 3), guitar (Sec 3), or French (2005). However, through all these failures, I discover about myself - I need an end goal to motivate myself. Nevertheless, as I age, I become more persistent and there are a couple of things which I have experienced success in - completing my CFA (3 consecutive years), picking up tennis, learning Spanish (though still intermediate speaker). This year, I set out to pick up the guitar once again and maybe if things work out here in Dubai, I will try to learn swimming. Given the long and hectic work hours, I only can spare 30-40 minutes a day to learn the guitar. It will take me a long time to learn it but I will persevere this time round unlike 15 years ago. Hopefully at the end of year when I evaluate myself against my 2017 resolutions, I would be able to play a song.

Losing control of your life and not seeing what lies ahead of you creates fear in a way or another and for me, only the next 4 months is in sight now.
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不会结束的起点

Today, I would like to write a post that pays tribute to my all-time favourite band - Mayday. In particular, A-shin is such a talented composer, always writing lyrics that can ring a chord in anyone, I believe.

Unknowingly, I have been listening to their music for 18 years. The mention of that number simply scares me. Their music has been through so much ups and downs with me, stirring up emotions in me, be it happy or sad ones. I am glad I was born in their era and I had their music as a form of motivation. When my aunts used to tell me about their idols when they were teenage girls like me, I never truly understood how they felt. However, now I know how it feels to have an idol and to have their music accompany you for such a long time. You are so familiar with every chord and the lyrics (though I have a terrible memory when it comes to remembering lyrics) and it is as though you can start dancing to any tunes any time. 

从最早的温柔和咸鱼到人生海海到中间的超人，倔强和如今的我不愿让你一个人和顽固等等，没有了你们的音乐，我还能怎样顽固下去？

 

I was not such a huge fan at the beginning because I was too young to appreciate some of the deeper meaning behind their songs. Besides, they were not such a huge phenomenon in Singapore at that time so I merely listened to a few songs. However, this song 咸鱼 made me listened to their music a lot more and 倔强 consolidated my love for their music. The concerts made it even better and in the blink of an eye, 18 years have passed.

Half a year ago, I was constantly listening to this song - 顽固 because I was working on my thesis and thinking about my next step in life upon graduation. Every single line of the lyrics speak of my experiences in life, how I continue to persevere to live a life that is extraordinary. Along the way, I have given up a lot of things but I have never wanted to turn back time and lead a different life. How many people have along this journey succumb to societal pressure, commitments to raise a family, etc.? I chose to not take up any of these responsibilities and in a way, keep my soul absolutely free. Many people told me that if I do not enter into marriage, I would not have lived a complete life. Perhaps it is true, who would not want a companion that will walk through life with you till the end of the time, however I do not want to enter into a marriage for the sake of having to experience something. During my first week in NY when my emotions were like a roller coaster ride, this song has given me so much motivation and comfort. 

我身在当时你幻想的未来里 

那个狂热和冲动早已冷却的如今 

你顽固的神情消失在镜子里

只留下时光消逝的痕迹

To me, I have always been stubborn in my pursuits and after living for half a lifetime, I think I have become less stubborn and more open together with the wrinkles on my face! 

每颗心的相信每个人的际遇

每个故事的自己反复地问着自己

这些年让步的 你是否会叹息

有什么事你永远不放弃

I have my own beliefs and values system and these are all shaped by my experiences. I want to be a global citizen and for that I gave up teaching, gave up the $$ and finally I landed in NY and the very first day that I stood at the UN grounds, I felt like I was on top of the world that my dream has somehow come true. I then realise that the organisation and world is not what I had imagined it to be after all. In my life thus far, I have asked myself repeatedly how my life would have been different if I had made certain decisions differently along the way. That said, I never want to turn back time and change my life. I compromised on certain things, sacrificed some and although I do sigh over bad decisions, I still hold on to the things that I strongly believe in, especially when it comes to love and work. I ask myself, what is it that I will never give up in life? I cannot recall the number of times that I asked myself if coming to the UN had been the wrong decision. 

一次一次你吞下了泪滴

一次一次拼回破碎自己

一天一天你是否还相信

活在你心深处那顽固的自己

When I am down, especially during my time in NY, I swallowed my tears and got myself to plough and stand back up again. I may have lost faith and belief in myself but I told myself that I will never give up before putting up a good fight. I am sure I will be able to find my next step in life as long as I persevere. 

你追逐你呼吸你嚣张的任性

鼻青脸肿地哭过若无其事地忘记

如果你能预知这条路的陷阱

我想你依然错得很过瘾

In life, we fail because we are too prideful and self-conceited at times. When that happens, we all cry ourselves to sleep but not soon after, we forget about it. If we had known what we were signing up ourselves for, would we still have made that same decision? For me, I hate failures but I will never shun away from them and wish for turning back time and make sure I choose the “right” decision in life. If I were to be given a chance to choose again, I think I would still have chosen teaching as a first career. It has made my life much tougher now to switch to the corporate world but I believe the job has offered me much as well. And if I were to be given a choice to stay in teaching, I think I would still leave the profession. I might have been wrong to leave but I am enjoying my mistakes because they make me a better person. I would still have gone to the UN even if it meant seeing the realities of life.  

走过的叫足迹走不到叫憧憬

学会收拾起叛逆学会隐藏了表情

卸下了这面具 我想说谢谢你

谢谢你一路陪我到这里

Wherever we have been, we left footprints. Wherever we have not been, we look forward to being there some day. As you age, enter into the workforce, you learn to be less confrontational and you learn to hide your true self, your emotions. I am never who I am in front of others. Only a selected few truly know who I am. I hid myself because I do not think that everyone will know how to appreciate who you are as a person or even care about who you are as a person. In the workforce, all that people want to see is whether you can produce the results and bring in the $$. For all those who truly know who I am and appreciate me for being me, thank you. Thank you for journeying with me, I may not say it all the time but these people know who they are and they will always be people whom I hold on dearly to. Besides my family, this person comes to my mind instantly. He may not know he is the privilege few but indeed he is. 

你当时相信的那些事情

会在如今变成美丽风景

每当我迟疑总从不曾忘记

活在我心深处的那顽固的自己

Whenever I question myself and my decisions and feel like I might crumble or fail, there is an inner voice that constantly reminds me how tough I have been so far and that empowers me to achieve all that I have now. Life is beautiful. 

During my time in NY, music was indeed my best companion. On the subway, in the gym, before bed and JJ Lin’s songs were constantly replaying in my head. One day, I decided to listen to every song of Mayday’s new album and that was when this song 终于结束的起点 became one of my other favourites. 

I think it speaks of a certain beautiful memory of a someone and we all have in some point in our life met this someone:

还记不记得我和你最初的相信

还记不记得孩子般简单的爱情

我们仿佛天生在一起 用不完的默契和话题

带上了耳机沉入曾经的回忆

幸福的回忆是追求幸福的天敌

寂寞的问候是加深寂寞的陷阱

当时无限珍藏的回忆变成无处躲藏的雨季

让最小事情都变成最痛叹息

每一段伤痛的爱情 都困住两颗想挣脱伤痛的心

如果说可惜就在下一站更珍惜

也许一个勇敢的决定 能换两个重生的约定

我们到了站 这一站叫终于

终于结束的起点 终于卸下句点

终于我们告别 终于我们又回到原点

流干了眼泪日日夜夜

未来的我们也许能说声好久不见 

爱情并不是对与错简单是非题

相爱的两人不一定能相守相依

因为相爱所以在一起 因为深爱所以又分离

约在下一站 车票是你我勇气

每一段遗憾的曾经 当时名字都叫憧憬我们的心

不能忘怀的 至少释怀吧在风里

那些无法看破的叹息 某天会是看淡的风景

虽然那风景永远有谁缺席

站在这起点 其实没有走远 

其实不愿告别 其实我心中依然想念

拥抱这一刻岁岁年年

就要在今天头也不回地告别从前 奔向明天

不回头不眷恋的明天

I have shared some really beautiful memories with someone in my life. We did not have too much interaction at the start but after we did, we hit off so well. We could talk about anything under the sun and when I listened to this song and its lyrics, memories simply flooded back. Those wonderful memories might become a hurdle in what I look out for in the future for a soul mate and surprisingly, this very someone somehow always seem to know when I am missing him. Not once but several times when I thought about how he was doing, he sent me a text. I think I am a prideful person and I do not have the habit to pick up my phone to send him a message to check in on his life. Sometimes it slips my mind and sometimes I just did not want to seem like I was dependent on him and want to know how he is doing. Yet he never failed to send a greeting when I thought about him. 

I do not think I will forget about the common memories that we shared, given how short term my memory can be and how fast I move on in life. However, our paths were never meant to cross in the first place so eventually we came to a point where our paths had to diverge again. It was a beginning that would eventually end and as we drifted back to our own destined ways, we hope some day we can meet somewhere in this world again. 

I especially like how A-shin has expressed what love truly is. It does not mean that we can be with the someone whom we think we truly love at the end of the day. The person who will walk through life with you till the end of time is the most suitable person at that point in your life, not everyone gets to be with their perfect match. When you truly love a person yet meet him or her at the wrong time, you get together because of love. You split up because you love each other too much and cannot bear to see the relationship turn sour. You know that when you try too hard to hold on to something that was not meant to be, it is pointless because someday you will look back and realise how silly you had been. It is just the way our world is. People move on too quickly and time heals all wounds. Yet if it is a wound, the scar will always be there,  永远有谁缺席. The scar is a constant reminder of that person whom you have dearly missed in your life.

For me, I think from time to time I will reminisce about these lovely memories of that person and our time together. I am a sentimental person and though I have physically and mentally moved on, I have not gone that far emotionally. It is just that there are still plenty of experiences waiting for me ahead and I told myself that I have to move on. 

To be continued…. 

My little niece

Before I left Singapore, I spent a huge amount of time with my little niece. She has grown much in the last few years. She drew me a nice card saying that she will miss me and that she loves me. Kids, they are the world's most precious beings. Their emotions are so true, unfortunately they do not stay as kids for long. When I think about her, I feel like going home and spending more time with her. I might miss out on a corporate career, which is what I have been longing for for the longest time ever, but she will not be a kid for long. Life, why do you have to make choices so tough?

5th country in 1.5 years

Unknowingly, 1.5 years have passed since I left home for my Masters. This is the 5th place that I have relocated to and maybe I am just tired from all the moving. I have not been able to secure a permanent place to stay even if I am willing to pay, because rent contracts here are for a year. In addition, I have had some bed bug scares since yesterday and now I am really missing home. I guess it really makes a difference when you know someone in a foreign country compared to not knowing anyone. When in NY, at least I had Alina to talk to. I am entirely comfortable with living by myself but when you first arrive in a foreign place, you really need some help to settle in. For now, I am just praying that I will find a place to stay asap so that I need not worry about lodging. I badly need a place near to my work place so that I do not have to walk long distances or be caught in the bad traffic here. I have never imagined moving can be so difficult. It should get better as you move more frequently, isn't it? How is it that I feel that it gets tougher to have to relocate as I do it more frequently? It was not easy for me to land this job so I guess I just have to bite the bullet and finish these 6 months of my contract, at least. #countingdownstarts