31 things to say for a month - Day 21: Contentment

Day 21: Contentment is bliss










As usual, it is the time of the year when I have to do a reflection of all the things that I have done for the entire year and discuss with my "boss". I have to say in all these years that I have been in the organisation, my strongest pillar of support and help has come from this "boss". The term I would use in this context is "connoisseur". As a rookie, I have many things to juggle with and the fact that I have not gone down this path may make me even more unsure of what I had signed myself up for. However, I was given a lot of opportunities and room to develop, experiment and also prove myself. My potential would not have been recognised and be duly unleashed without her. No amount of thanks can convey that heartfelt gratitude that I have for her which was why I got really emotional when the issue of my future was being discussed. I know that I should have and could have done more in return but I did otherwise.

However, I also realised today that my decision had two sides to this story and depending on what kind of a person you are, you would then pick the relevant side. I want to accomplish something in life but if you ask me to specify what exactly I want to accomplish, I could probably tell you a million things. Yet given the short life span that I have, I can only accomplish that many things. So sometimes I dream of this, I dream of that, I become indecisive and I procrastinate and end up not doing a lot of things that I should have done. So when I take my scenic walk yesterday evening, I asked myself the very question, "What exactly do I want to do with my life?" I chose to leave because I want to take the leap and experiment with my life.

On the other hand, I feel that I am unable to realise much fulfillment or money in this pursuit and thus it is better for me to seek greener pastures elsewhere. For that, I guess I only have my own perfectionist self to blame. I am not a pragmatic and materialistic person and my conversations with others do not revolve around money all the time unlike some of my friends. However, the reason why I would not mind doing something that generates high financial returns for the short run because I grew up in a shabby environment and seeing my mother fret over our family's finances all the time made me determined that some day I want to be able to absolve her from all these worries for all the sacrifices that she made. Hence, if I could make more money and give her a better life, I would gladly do it. Of course, I do ponder over why I have to try so hard to make right the things that she had done inappropriately e.g. being the generous one in front of others, afraid to take on more responsibilities to provide a better environment for her children and also being easily contented with a meager salary that could hardly make ends meet every single month. Nevertheless, the many other sacrifices that she has made for me has the ability to make me overlook such imperfections on her end.

On top of that, I am an Accounting and Economics trained person. In the last 7 years of my education, I learnt one important thing in life and that is everything has a price. So sometimes, I judge my ability by the price that I can fetch with my services. So, money can be a source of motivation for me. However, I know that money cannot buy happiness hence I tell myself that I should balance it with the other view that if I end up doing something that fetches me a low value, then I must get a sense of fulfillment that is priceless. It is perhaps this thought of mine that has made my desires a bottomless pit and perhaps why I chose that quote for this post of mine, "Contentment is not the fulfillment that you want, but the realisation of how much you already have." I have the support of the people above me (bosses), the people around me (colleagues) and the people under me (stud). They edge me to continue my pursuit and be patient because I will eventually reap the rewards. Unfortunately, I have disappointed them. I say it is an issue with organisation hierarchy and functions but I know that every organisation will have this problem. It is merely a degree that differs. I want to change things but who am I to do so and to a certain extent, I question my ability to be able to do so! So I chose to run away from the problem. Perhaps a little patience would help. Maybe getting into a position where I can influence things would make me feel better. Ultimately, I only have myself to blame and to face. My own insecurity towards commitment is probably the root to all these problems but the answer to whether I can learn to commit is nothing but uncertainty.

Since either route that I take on leaves me with uncertainty, I chose the more treacherous road since I feel that I constantly want to be able to do more and better things and learn new things, etc. in life and I consider that a fulfillment. It is this trait of mine that has helped me attain success in a lot of things that I do in life (competitive drive to want to do better) but unfortunately it is a double-edged sword. I guess I will come to that later. Also, like what my professor told me, I do not know what I really want at times in life and because of that, I might have been influenced by my peers, by glamour, by riches, etc. It does not help that I see my peers moving ahead of me despite them seeing themselves as less able than me. So they edge me to move on and do other things. As a result of all these, I myself feel that I have forgotten to look back and see for myself how much I already have which is why I keep wanting to move on.

I know that life should not be a race whereby you compete with others but it is also not a leisure stroll such that you can do nothing and still reap the rewards of not doing anything. I just know that I do not want to end up like some people around me - able and capable but that unwillingness to take the risk, to shoulder greater responsibilities, the state of serenity that they desire make them accomplish nothing in their life. But who am I to judge that they have accomplished nothing? Maybe being able to enjoy a life in serenity is an accomplishment nothing else can bring?

If someday I end up with accomplishing nothing, I would also only have myself to blame. Someone ever told me, "If you tell yourself that this is something that you don't mind doing or that this is only something that you want to do for the short term but not the long term, then this is not something that you love doing. If you are doing something that you love, you will want to do it for the rest of your life." It is an insightful comment but why have I not come to discover that one thing that I really want to do for the rest of my life? In the last few years, I have spoken so much about doing something that really interests you to so many others but it is only now that I realise that my words should not have carried any weight because I do not act upon what I preach.

When will I meet that wise person who will help me discover what I truly enjoy doing? I know who he is and I should have known that I have known him all my life because he is none other than myself. However, I am still living in my own disillusioned world to deny his presence.

31 things to say for a month - Day 20: The art of accommodation

Day 20: 相見容易相處難

There is a saying in Chinese that it is easy to get along with someone who you meet occasionally but problems will start to surface when you have to live together. I think this saying cannot be more true. It takes a lot of tolerance, accommodation, sacrifices to live together as a family.  But sometimes I really wonder if living apart and meeting each other occasionally is really a better way of maintaining relationships. 

When you only meet occasionally, say once or twice a year, and live in your own comfort zone for the rest of 363 or 364 days, you do not have to deal with the other someone's whims and fancies or tolerate his or her living habits which are entirely different from yours. Thus, you tend to treasure that few occasions when you meet and would not want to spend the time arguing or fighting. 

However, if you were to stay travel together as a family or do certain things together over a prolonged period, things might change. You will probably start off the journey on a happy tone but each day, the others in the group never fail to irritate you and your patience and tolerance will diminish with each passing day. This is due to the fact that there are many sides to this person whom you claim as your family member yet you are unaware due to the lack of communication. Who will start blabbering about their own weaknesses or the unglamarous things that they have done in a gathering? Thus, the lack of communication will surface as a problem when you have to spend long periods of time together with a person. 

Problems will also compound because people make decisions based on prior knowledge and experiences and as you age, you have more life experiences and become more opinionated. Everyone thinks that they have been through a lot of ups and downs and knows it best what to avoid and what to be prepared for. I guess perhaps that is when you start to doubt what others say, want to make decisions because you think that your rich experiences will come in handy and become less receptive to changes and feedback. However, everyone needs reminders from time to time that we should use our ears wisely, listen to what others have to say before we give our own opinions and make decisions, especially if it is a collective one. 

Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that staying away from people whom you think you cannot get along with and only meet up occasionally is an escape and does not resolve the differences between you. You have to pluck up the courage to confront each other if you want your relationship to remain strong. Nevertheless, saying is easier than done. 

When I reflect upon myself, I start to worry if I will someday become some of these characters in my life who I disdain now when I am of their age. I am someone who is very steadfast in the things that I want to do and my mother used to say that I am an obstinate child. My siblings have been very tolerant and accommodating and give in to me quite a fair bit. However, as I age, I start to see my own weaknesses and I really want to become a better sibling to them so I started to change. In addition, my hatred for confrontation and arguments do help to mitigate the downsides of being obstinate. Over the years, I learn to turn away from arguments not because I am fully convinced but because I see no point in trying to be convinced or convince another person in the heat of a debate or an argument. It is better off to always let each other cool off and reflect upon things after the debate or argument. 

Things only bother you when you care a lot about it. So I told someone that perhaps some day, we will follow in the footsteps of the people whose actions we disdain and cannot comprehend. I told her that because I see that she is now an adult and is no longer someone who I can easily convince or manipulate her thinking. Her interactions with her peers and those in her social circle will also start to shape her thinking. She will still be that helpful girl who will make sacrifices but the biggest difference is that reluctance might be written all over her face while she is doing it. Showing someone your emotions outright while doing something that you dislike is not any better than not doing it at all. At least to me, I hate people who show their emotions all over their face and when I unknowingly do it at times, I feel really bad about it. "Love your neighbours like yourself" is one saying that never goes out of style to me. As I am typing this post, it suddenly dawned upon me that perhaps she has always been like that but it is just that she chose to suppress her emotions when she was much younger. 

I think this is also one of the many reasons why people become less happy as they grow older. People around you change and adapting to changes is never easy. Managing people's emotions is truly an uphill task. This could probably explain why I have been looking for that exit. 

31 things to say for a month - Day 19: HIMYM

Day 19: Catching on the American TV train

Recently, I have been following a lot of the America dramas, TV shows or sit-coms whatever you call it and it has got me reflecting on many different aspects of my life.

Big Bang Theory - Keeps you entertained and laughing non-stop throughout that 20 minutes and yes, I am looking forward to the latest season which will be screened in September.

Prison Break (Final Season) - The whole plot is just amazing and yes, I am totally into MS or Wentworth Miller whatever you would like to call it.

How I met your mother - I was introduced to this TV series about 3 years back but I never got myself to sit down to watch it until about 3 weeks ago. At first, I thought it would just be another typical "The Office" that Linky used to show me or probably another BBT that would entertain me after my hectic work schedule in Term 3. Instead, this show caught me by surprise and perhaps I am in this stage of my life that mirrored the characters in the show. I related myself to the show immediately and also a conversation I had with an ex-colleague when she introduced me to that show.

Perhaps we have been so influenced by American culture that we see their way of life as the model and one that leads to happiness eventually. Freedom is such a powerful word that controls one's minds. Freedom of speech, freedom of rights, freedom: the idea of being able to do what we want OTOT. This word 'freedom' opens up a can of worms from greed, envy, lust, jealousy, blah blah blah.

How about freedom to love? It makes me wondering if freedom to love has indeed made our world a better place. The Westerners used to laugh at the Asians model of love - arranged marriages by parents, matchmakers, etc. Ask me for their opinions on arranged marriages a few years ago, I bet as a representative of the X-generation kids, I would find it amusing and laugh people who got married through arranged marriages. However, I found my opinion to have changed lately. When I look around the world and even within my own family, I see people who married a person they thought they loved and also people who married a person that was "introduced" by another person. Somehow, there is no guarantee that if you marry someone whom you claimed as your true love, your marriage will last and that if you marry someone whom you did not pick for yourself, your marriage will fail.

Look at Asian societies. This model of arranged marriages have managed to keep families intact and preserve the fundamental unit of a society - family. It has instilled discipline in their kids and their economy. If I look at the people around me who had gone for arranged marriages, were they less happy than those who had married someone they love before they got married? The answer is "NO"!

How about the Westerners' model of freedom to love? It has topped the charts for the highest divorce rates, social problems, etc. Of course, I am not saying that there is one superior model over another and I feel that ultimately, both models have its pros and cons. I am just thinking that as an Asian, we should not no longer have to live with the prejudice and stigmatism of Whites Superiority and that they should be the role model. I believe that someday, Asian societies will be the model for other nations to follow.

31 things to say for a month - Day 18: A pleasant shopping experience

Day 18: A pleasant shopping experience

I hardly go shopping these days ever since I jumped onboard the online shopping train. However, I go to shops once in a while to see the latest trends in town and also buy things that I cannot buy online or prefer to try on before I pay for it. So there I was in a Sports shop just hours ago when the store assistant made my day. This store assistant is not a fully abled person and perhaps due to his disability,  he showed me patience more than what a usually able-bodied person would.

I usually take quite a long time to decide on the right size of the clothes I buy these days because I am always trying to find the balance between comfort and appearance. Buying something that fits well these days seems to make me feel less comfortable because of the extra kilos that I have put on over the years, lol! While I was deliberating on the right size and showed a guilty face because I was kind of wasting too much of his time, he just politely said I could take my time and decide. Although that sounded like his responsibility as a sales assistant, it has become a precious attitude these days with us leading a much more fast-paced lifestyle and with everyone around you looking for efficiency and you not wasting their time.

Sometimes, we able-bodied people do need to reflect on the way we lead our lives. Too much of efficiency really makes you a less empathetic person, don't we?

Thank you, sales assistant, from the bottom of my heart.

31 things to say for a month - Day 17: Ill-discipline and French

Indeed, I failed to write a piece of blogpost every day and entered into hiatus for the past 1 week. However, I have reasons as to why I failed on my mission. Firstly, I have been really swarmed with work and other commitments so much so that I have been returning home at around 8 or 9 pm every day. As a result, I was too tired to blog. Secondly, I decided that perhaps I should not update it so frequently else my blog might attract unintended attraction. Thirdly, I want to be a responsible online citizen such that I do not make comments that might be irresponsible or uncalled for because I had not thought through the things that I write about. Fourthly, I kind of ran out of things to write so I needed more time to interact with people and reflect on what I would like to talk about else I would most likely have overlapping posts.

Day 17: Why I call myself an ill-disciplined person



J'aime le Francais!

Ever since I was a kid, I was a big fan of this nation by the name of France. I have completely no idea why, maybe it was due to the colours of the flag, the shape of their map, the monuments that I hear about that exist in France, etc. So when I was in the Polytechnic, I decided that some day I must pick up French and of course visit France. The latter was much more easier so I went to Paris a few years ago and also revisited the place. I did not experience as much success when it comes to picking up French. I went for French classes (Beginner and Intermediate) about 7 years ago on a moment of impulse. Like I previously mentioned, I like to do things in the heat of a moment so the decision to sign up for French struck me when I was at Jurong East interchange and felt a sudden surge to start fulfilling the goals that I set. I had been working at Hilton for a few months and learnt to appreciate that knowing a third language is a skill. I was also edged on by the sudden extra cash that I saw in my bank account because I had just gotten my final pay check from my previous job at Hilton and would also be receiving my scholarship allowance soon.

It took me a lot of courage to go for French lessons alone and having to learn a language and not have anyone else to practise with simply make things worse. I diligently attend lessons every Wednesday night from 730 to 930 but despite knowing the words, I faced problems with conversing. After all, French requires the use of the naval cavity to pronounce a lot of words. After 2 rounds of lessons and the fact that I experience very low success rates compared to my classmates, I eventually gave up.

This is not the only thing that I gave up halfway as I grew up. I was having a conversation with a student and a parent when the idea of the lack of discipline popped up. The student wants to try out different things in life and learn as many skills as possible but he never stuck to one and mastered it. We concluded that it was due to a lack of discipline. I could very quickly pinpoint that out because I was no different from him. When I was in Primary School, I envied others who can play the piano and dreamt of being able to do it some day but I never picked up piano. When I was in Secondary School, I was invited to join the Badminton Team but I was not disciplined enough to be able to undergo the arduous training. Then later, I decided that perhaps learning guitar could be easier so I went to sign up for guitar classes. Now I have a guitar in the storeroom and it has collected more dust than one can imagine. I wanted to learn how to play snooker, bowl, table tennis, french etc. but I never master any of these things. The only thing that I managed to pick up as a grown-up is tennis and that was because Linky and Shawny edged me on all the time.

I guess after this piece of reflection, perhaps it is time to dig those old french books of mine and start picking it up again. That shall be my short-term goal or goal for this year? hahaha!

31 things to say for a month - Day 16: Fear

Day 16: Things that I fear



When people talk about fears, I used to think about fear of rejection (for me), cats, being a loner e.g. going to movies alone, not having someone to lunch or have dinner with, snakes ... (dot dot dot). If what I listed was in descending order of fear, you have just learnt something new about me. Lol. However, a few years ago, when I thought about what I truly fear, I realised the above are instances of me being AFRAID of being judged by others or simply DISLIKING something. In addition, I no longer find it odd to dine alone (I see so many lonely people at the cafe all the time) though I would still not want to go to movies by myself.

So what is it that I am afraid of deep down at the bottom of my heart? It is growing old. I have always been an active person - enjoy playing sports, traveling, thrill rides, etc. I simply cannot stand myself being immobile.

Firstly, with old age, all the activities that I derive pleasure from will start to elude me, except mahjong, singing, watching football (but sometimes I do wonder if someday Man U goes downhill after ushering a new managerial era, will I still enjoy watching football?), sleeping and nua-ing.

Secondly, with old age comes death. I am not afraid of dying because the person who leaves this world no longer undergoes any sort of emotions, only leaving his or her loved ones in despair but I am afraid to face the death of my loved ones. The feeling of not being able to see someone for the rest of your life is heartbreaking for me, at least.

Thirdly, old age also brings along his best friends, illnesses. Imagine having to eat medicine on a daily basis and deprive yourself of all the gourmet. :( Being an unhealthy old woman is the last thing that I want honestly. Perhaps I should start eating green things. Lol.

Fourthly, regrets come with old age and your fears simply multiply. You fear that you will not be able to do this or that and end up regretting not doing something. You may also reminisce about the past and start to view issues from a "on hindsight" perspective and wish that you had done things differently but life has no U-turn and no one can do everything right at the first attempt. So, we just got to learn to deal with regrets.

However, growing old does have its benefits as well. You learn better how to control your temper, learn to be more loving, gain wisdom, learn to care less about how people judge you and also judge the world less because like what our beloved MM Lee said, you can no longer influence the world neither can the world influence you further. Sometimes, when you no longer care about something, you find inner peace. Maybe that is what people call nirvana.  Will I attain it anytime soon?

Whatever stage of your life you are in, just remember no matter how big your accomplishments are thus far, how wealthy you are or would become, how smart or stupid you are, how popular you are as a person, how many relationships you were once in, how many friends you have, how many people truly love you or did not love you, blah blah blah, the moment we shut our eyes for eternity, we are all equal and identical, merely a corpse. But that does not mean we can do evil for before you close your eyes, you got to make right the wrongs that you have done.

On a closing note, I may seem brave at a lot of fronts but I guess I am just a scaredy cat like a lot of people around me whom I call so!

31 things to say for a month - Day 15: Comfort Zone

Day 15: Something I said today that caught me by surprise

A usual tennis game and a chatting session and usually I am the one influenced by Linky but I thought the tides were turned today. 

Linky has made a whole deal of difference in my life for the last 5 years that we have known each other. A simple analogy that he always use is that "He is the hand that feeds me and I should not bite him by any means." If not for his recommendations, I would not have gotten those fat pay cheques and fulfill my dream of travelling to so many different cities, countries, continents. If it weren't for his company, I seriously doubt I would even pick up a tennis racquet needless to say play tennis decently now. If he hadn't nagged at me for being spendthrift and brainwash me into the need to plan and save for retirement, I probably will not see my bank account having any zeros at all. Lastly, if it weren't for me, I would not have found as much meaning to my job and also as much grouses about it. 

Both of us were so bent on leaving the service a year ago. However, as our time in that place which got us started as friends draws to a close, he is starting to believe that this is his comfort zone and he would probably overturn his decision to call it a day. On the other hand, my determination to explore new possibilities has never been stronger than now. I was the all enthusiastic and passionate one when it all begin but now our positions about our future were swapped, not the part about him becoming enthusiastic and passionate though. As usual, when we discussed about this today, he tried to persuade me to not make silly decisions and consider the implications and the opportunity cost that I will face. He is an intelligent guy and if he had been or were to be slightly more motivated and think less like an economist, he can achieve big things in life given his capacity. Not that I disagree with the Economist mentality but that it can only get you so far in life after all because the assumptions are unrealistic.  

So I told him that if we choose to remain where we are now and indulge in the comfort that this is providing us, we will leave our bigger dreams behind. But then again, come to think of it, we established a common ground that though we may be alike in many aspects, what we want in life is ultimately very different. His belief of happiness stems from money whereas mine stems from pure happiness that may or may not come from money, merely dreams to live the life I want. That aside, the things that I want to accomplish do require money as well but perhaps if I choose the latter over money, I will probably have less material comfort and branded goods unlike Linky. No TAG Heuer watch, car,   branded goods, jetting off to different countries at my own time own target without worrying about a penny but I guess I am not that materialistic after all. 

I have branded bags and I feel I do have enough already. If I could add one more, it would increase my utility but MU is definitely falling. I wish so badly for a car 3-4 years ago but that desire is very well contained at this point in time. I would probably want to have my own loft but I guess I can manage my expectations and tell myself that a home without the warmth of my parents and siblings - The Efficient Technician and The Superb Home Maker, The Fat Sensitive (Ass) Garbage Truck and the Joker and Family would not be enticing.

So in conclusion, no doubt Linky has been a positive influence in many ways, he has also been a reflection of what I want at a certain age and what I do not require at another stage. He used to say that I am someone that he should hang out with moderately and I guess likewise him for me. Too much of him makes me a devil (greedy and materialistic) but too little of him makes me too stupid and silly. Overall, I still love his company as a friend for he is definitely someone whom I have known in the last five years that I can truly open myself to and yes, he understands me and reads me pretty well. 

31 things to say for a month - Day 14: My Sister

Day 14: Would my life have been better or worse off without her?

[Post re-numbered since my sister is born on the 14th of a month.]

Writing this "31 things to say for a month" is really trying especially if I had not done much things in the day, talked to anyone in particular or had been too occupied to do any reflection or thought through what should be the post for the day.

So today, I shall talk about this person who has greatly influenced my life and my world would have been a very different one without her. It could have been better but it could also have been a lot worse but as a loving sister, I choose to believe that her existence has brought more happiness than sadness. This person behind me is none other than my sister.

When I was younger, I used to have feelings of disdain for this "creature" because I always felt that my mother was biased towards her. However, when I grew older and became more mature, I realized that siblings should not have any form of jealousy between them because we are connected by blood ties. To quote my grandmother, "a person's fingers are different i.e. have different lengths and width", so each child is different though they may come from the same parents thus we should not expect a mother to love each and every of her child equally. As I age, I also realise that since I can be the more capable and independent one and can afford less attention and TLC from my parents, it is also a blessing in disguise. 

This change in mindset altered the relationship that I share with my sister completely. We start to share our perspectives of things in life and in a way, I find her opinions relevant and some of her suggestions turn out to be pretty constructive. Things took a bigger turn when my brother got married and moved out and I have one less confidant resultantly. There was also an air of competition between us, albeit it was a healthy one in all aspects of our life besides our weight (no one wanted to put on more weight). A little competition gives you the drive to accomplish things and persevere in face of difficulties. We constantly try to improve on our badminton game because we do not want to lose to each other, we teach each other Mathematics, we challenge each other in smartphone games, etc. Where academics is concerned, perhaps most of the time it was my sister having to play catch up with me since I often was the one who sat certain standards and by the time she grew of age, she had all these expectations and benchmarks to fulfill. I would say she did not do that badly, in fact she excels in a lot of different areas. 

However, there are certain things which clearly define who we are and even though we are siblings, we can never be alike. I can never be as kind-hearted and patient as her while she cannot swear as much as I do and vent her frustrations like a balloon (inflate and deflate continuously just like my emotions). I will never develop the interest and motivation to do all those hand-made cards whereas she will never appreciate alcohol and football. She is portrayed as the angel while me, the devil. There is nothing wrong with being the devil honestly and somehow all middle child end up as the devil. 

Over the years, through our healthy and subtle competition, we help each other become a better person. She helps me to improve on my badminton and my patience threshold, gives me opinions on the things I do in school - reads my question and comments on the difficulty level, listens to my grouses when I mark at home, helps me blow my hair because I am lazy and unwilling to blow it dry before sleeping, sat through my first ever lecture, etc. On the other hand, I teach her how to improve on her mahjong skills, listen to her singing (hohoho), give her travelling tips, let her spend my money (occasionally), troubleshoot the internet at home, etc. 

Our relationship strengthened a lot the last few years and we truly enjoy each other's companionship. I am really glad that my mother had decided to not give up on this child 22 years ago otherwise I would have been a totally different person - for better or for worse, I do not know. I just know - sisters rock. :) She is a garbage track that takes in all the nonsense that I churn out on a daily basis and she is one of the few people who knows me inside out. Sometimes, we talk about life in old age and death and as usual, the angel promises and has to pray that she has to outlive the devil because the devil does not want to be the one who lives to see her loved ones depart one by one. However, often is the case that the kind-hearted soul departs first to be with God so our prayers are probably not going to be answered.