31 things to say for a month - Day 19: HIMYM

Day 19: Catching on the American TV train

Recently, I have been following a lot of the America dramas, TV shows or sit-coms whatever you call it and it has got me reflecting on many different aspects of my life.

Big Bang Theory - Keeps you entertained and laughing non-stop throughout that 20 minutes and yes, I am looking forward to the latest season which will be screened in September.

Prison Break (Final Season) - The whole plot is just amazing and yes, I am totally into MS or Wentworth Miller whatever you would like to call it.

How I met your mother - I was introduced to this TV series about 3 years back but I never got myself to sit down to watch it until about 3 weeks ago. At first, I thought it would just be another typical "The Office" that Linky used to show me or probably another BBT that would entertain me after my hectic work schedule in Term 3. Instead, this show caught me by surprise and perhaps I am in this stage of my life that mirrored the characters in the show. I related myself to the show immediately and also a conversation I had with an ex-colleague when she introduced me to that show.

Perhaps we have been so influenced by American culture that we see their way of life as the model and one that leads to happiness eventually. Freedom is such a powerful word that controls one's minds. Freedom of speech, freedom of rights, freedom: the idea of being able to do what we want OTOT. This word 'freedom' opens up a can of worms from greed, envy, lust, jealousy, blah blah blah.

How about freedom to love? It makes me wondering if freedom to love has indeed made our world a better place. The Westerners used to laugh at the Asians model of love - arranged marriages by parents, matchmakers, etc. Ask me for their opinions on arranged marriages a few years ago, I bet as a representative of the X-generation kids, I would find it amusing and laugh people who got married through arranged marriages. However, I found my opinion to have changed lately. When I look around the world and even within my own family, I see people who married a person they thought they loved and also people who married a person that was "introduced" by another person. Somehow, there is no guarantee that if you marry someone whom you claimed as your true love, your marriage will last and that if you marry someone whom you did not pick for yourself, your marriage will fail.

Look at Asian societies. This model of arranged marriages have managed to keep families intact and preserve the fundamental unit of a society - family. It has instilled discipline in their kids and their economy. If I look at the people around me who had gone for arranged marriages, were they less happy than those who had married someone they love before they got married? The answer is "NO"!

How about the Westerners' model of freedom to love? It has topped the charts for the highest divorce rates, social problems, etc. Of course, I am not saying that there is one superior model over another and I feel that ultimately, both models have its pros and cons. I am just thinking that as an Asian, we should not no longer have to live with the prejudice and stigmatism of Whites Superiority and that they should be the role model. I believe that someday, Asian societies will be the model for other nations to follow.

31 things to say for a month - Day 18: A pleasant shopping experience

Day 18: A pleasant shopping experience

I hardly go shopping these days ever since I jumped onboard the online shopping train. However, I go to shops once in a while to see the latest trends in town and also buy things that I cannot buy online or prefer to try on before I pay for it. So there I was in a Sports shop just hours ago when the store assistant made my day. This store assistant is not a fully abled person and perhaps due to his disability,  he showed me patience more than what a usually able-bodied person would.

I usually take quite a long time to decide on the right size of the clothes I buy these days because I am always trying to find the balance between comfort and appearance. Buying something that fits well these days seems to make me feel less comfortable because of the extra kilos that I have put on over the years, lol! While I was deliberating on the right size and showed a guilty face because I was kind of wasting too much of his time, he just politely said I could take my time and decide. Although that sounded like his responsibility as a sales assistant, it has become a precious attitude these days with us leading a much more fast-paced lifestyle and with everyone around you looking for efficiency and you not wasting their time.

Sometimes, we able-bodied people do need to reflect on the way we lead our lives. Too much of efficiency really makes you a less empathetic person, don't we?

Thank you, sales assistant, from the bottom of my heart.

31 things to say for a month - Day 17: Ill-discipline and French

Indeed, I failed to write a piece of blogpost every day and entered into hiatus for the past 1 week. However, I have reasons as to why I failed on my mission. Firstly, I have been really swarmed with work and other commitments so much so that I have been returning home at around 8 or 9 pm every day. As a result, I was too tired to blog. Secondly, I decided that perhaps I should not update it so frequently else my blog might attract unintended attraction. Thirdly, I want to be a responsible online citizen such that I do not make comments that might be irresponsible or uncalled for because I had not thought through the things that I write about. Fourthly, I kind of ran out of things to write so I needed more time to interact with people and reflect on what I would like to talk about else I would most likely have overlapping posts.

Day 17: Why I call myself an ill-disciplined person



J'aime le Francais!

Ever since I was a kid, I was a big fan of this nation by the name of France. I have completely no idea why, maybe it was due to the colours of the flag, the shape of their map, the monuments that I hear about that exist in France, etc. So when I was in the Polytechnic, I decided that some day I must pick up French and of course visit France. The latter was much more easier so I went to Paris a few years ago and also revisited the place. I did not experience as much success when it comes to picking up French. I went for French classes (Beginner and Intermediate) about 7 years ago on a moment of impulse. Like I previously mentioned, I like to do things in the heat of a moment so the decision to sign up for French struck me when I was at Jurong East interchange and felt a sudden surge to start fulfilling the goals that I set. I had been working at Hilton for a few months and learnt to appreciate that knowing a third language is a skill. I was also edged on by the sudden extra cash that I saw in my bank account because I had just gotten my final pay check from my previous job at Hilton and would also be receiving my scholarship allowance soon.

It took me a lot of courage to go for French lessons alone and having to learn a language and not have anyone else to practise with simply make things worse. I diligently attend lessons every Wednesday night from 730 to 930 but despite knowing the words, I faced problems with conversing. After all, French requires the use of the naval cavity to pronounce a lot of words. After 2 rounds of lessons and the fact that I experience very low success rates compared to my classmates, I eventually gave up.

This is not the only thing that I gave up halfway as I grew up. I was having a conversation with a student and a parent when the idea of the lack of discipline popped up. The student wants to try out different things in life and learn as many skills as possible but he never stuck to one and mastered it. We concluded that it was due to a lack of discipline. I could very quickly pinpoint that out because I was no different from him. When I was in Primary School, I envied others who can play the piano and dreamt of being able to do it some day but I never picked up piano. When I was in Secondary School, I was invited to join the Badminton Team but I was not disciplined enough to be able to undergo the arduous training. Then later, I decided that perhaps learning guitar could be easier so I went to sign up for guitar classes. Now I have a guitar in the storeroom and it has collected more dust than one can imagine. I wanted to learn how to play snooker, bowl, table tennis, french etc. but I never master any of these things. The only thing that I managed to pick up as a grown-up is tennis and that was because Linky and Shawny edged me on all the time.

I guess after this piece of reflection, perhaps it is time to dig those old french books of mine and start picking it up again. That shall be my short-term goal or goal for this year? hahaha!

31 things to say for a month - Day 16: Fear

Day 16: Things that I fear



When people talk about fears, I used to think about fear of rejection (for me), cats, being a loner e.g. going to movies alone, not having someone to lunch or have dinner with, snakes ... (dot dot dot). If what I listed was in descending order of fear, you have just learnt something new about me. Lol. However, a few years ago, when I thought about what I truly fear, I realised the above are instances of me being AFRAID of being judged by others or simply DISLIKING something. In addition, I no longer find it odd to dine alone (I see so many lonely people at the cafe all the time) though I would still not want to go to movies by myself.

So what is it that I am afraid of deep down at the bottom of my heart? It is growing old. I have always been an active person - enjoy playing sports, traveling, thrill rides, etc. I simply cannot stand myself being immobile.

Firstly, with old age, all the activities that I derive pleasure from will start to elude me, except mahjong, singing, watching football (but sometimes I do wonder if someday Man U goes downhill after ushering a new managerial era, will I still enjoy watching football?), sleeping and nua-ing.

Secondly, with old age comes death. I am not afraid of dying because the person who leaves this world no longer undergoes any sort of emotions, only leaving his or her loved ones in despair but I am afraid to face the death of my loved ones. The feeling of not being able to see someone for the rest of your life is heartbreaking for me, at least.

Thirdly, old age also brings along his best friends, illnesses. Imagine having to eat medicine on a daily basis and deprive yourself of all the gourmet. :( Being an unhealthy old woman is the last thing that I want honestly. Perhaps I should start eating green things. Lol.

Fourthly, regrets come with old age and your fears simply multiply. You fear that you will not be able to do this or that and end up regretting not doing something. You may also reminisce about the past and start to view issues from a "on hindsight" perspective and wish that you had done things differently but life has no U-turn and no one can do everything right at the first attempt. So, we just got to learn to deal with regrets.

However, growing old does have its benefits as well. You learn better how to control your temper, learn to be more loving, gain wisdom, learn to care less about how people judge you and also judge the world less because like what our beloved MM Lee said, you can no longer influence the world neither can the world influence you further. Sometimes, when you no longer care about something, you find inner peace. Maybe that is what people call nirvana.  Will I attain it anytime soon?

Whatever stage of your life you are in, just remember no matter how big your accomplishments are thus far, how wealthy you are or would become, how smart or stupid you are, how popular you are as a person, how many relationships you were once in, how many friends you have, how many people truly love you or did not love you, blah blah blah, the moment we shut our eyes for eternity, we are all equal and identical, merely a corpse. But that does not mean we can do evil for before you close your eyes, you got to make right the wrongs that you have done.

On a closing note, I may seem brave at a lot of fronts but I guess I am just a scaredy cat like a lot of people around me whom I call so!

31 things to say for a month - Day 15: Comfort Zone

Day 15: Something I said today that caught me by surprise

A usual tennis game and a chatting session and usually I am the one influenced by Linky but I thought the tides were turned today. 

Linky has made a whole deal of difference in my life for the last 5 years that we have known each other. A simple analogy that he always use is that "He is the hand that feeds me and I should not bite him by any means." If not for his recommendations, I would not have gotten those fat pay cheques and fulfill my dream of travelling to so many different cities, countries, continents. If it weren't for his company, I seriously doubt I would even pick up a tennis racquet needless to say play tennis decently now. If he hadn't nagged at me for being spendthrift and brainwash me into the need to plan and save for retirement, I probably will not see my bank account having any zeros at all. Lastly, if it weren't for me, I would not have found as much meaning to my job and also as much grouses about it. 

Both of us were so bent on leaving the service a year ago. However, as our time in that place which got us started as friends draws to a close, he is starting to believe that this is his comfort zone and he would probably overturn his decision to call it a day. On the other hand, my determination to explore new possibilities has never been stronger than now. I was the all enthusiastic and passionate one when it all begin but now our positions about our future were swapped, not the part about him becoming enthusiastic and passionate though. As usual, when we discussed about this today, he tried to persuade me to not make silly decisions and consider the implications and the opportunity cost that I will face. He is an intelligent guy and if he had been or were to be slightly more motivated and think less like an economist, he can achieve big things in life given his capacity. Not that I disagree with the Economist mentality but that it can only get you so far in life after all because the assumptions are unrealistic.  

So I told him that if we choose to remain where we are now and indulge in the comfort that this is providing us, we will leave our bigger dreams behind. But then again, come to think of it, we established a common ground that though we may be alike in many aspects, what we want in life is ultimately very different. His belief of happiness stems from money whereas mine stems from pure happiness that may or may not come from money, merely dreams to live the life I want. That aside, the things that I want to accomplish do require money as well but perhaps if I choose the latter over money, I will probably have less material comfort and branded goods unlike Linky. No TAG Heuer watch, car,   branded goods, jetting off to different countries at my own time own target without worrying about a penny but I guess I am not that materialistic after all. 

I have branded bags and I feel I do have enough already. If I could add one more, it would increase my utility but MU is definitely falling. I wish so badly for a car 3-4 years ago but that desire is very well contained at this point in time. I would probably want to have my own loft but I guess I can manage my expectations and tell myself that a home without the warmth of my parents and siblings - The Efficient Technician and The Superb Home Maker, The Fat Sensitive (Ass) Garbage Truck and the Joker and Family would not be enticing.

So in conclusion, no doubt Linky has been a positive influence in many ways, he has also been a reflection of what I want at a certain age and what I do not require at another stage. He used to say that I am someone that he should hang out with moderately and I guess likewise him for me. Too much of him makes me a devil (greedy and materialistic) but too little of him makes me too stupid and silly. Overall, I still love his company as a friend for he is definitely someone whom I have known in the last five years that I can truly open myself to and yes, he understands me and reads me pretty well. 

31 things to say for a month - Day 14: My Sister

Day 14: Would my life have been better or worse off without her?

[Post re-numbered since my sister is born on the 14th of a month.]

Writing this "31 things to say for a month" is really trying especially if I had not done much things in the day, talked to anyone in particular or had been too occupied to do any reflection or thought through what should be the post for the day.

So today, I shall talk about this person who has greatly influenced my life and my world would have been a very different one without her. It could have been better but it could also have been a lot worse but as a loving sister, I choose to believe that her existence has brought more happiness than sadness. This person behind me is none other than my sister.

When I was younger, I used to have feelings of disdain for this "creature" because I always felt that my mother was biased towards her. However, when I grew older and became more mature, I realized that siblings should not have any form of jealousy between them because we are connected by blood ties. To quote my grandmother, "a person's fingers are different i.e. have different lengths and width", so each child is different though they may come from the same parents thus we should not expect a mother to love each and every of her child equally. As I age, I also realise that since I can be the more capable and independent one and can afford less attention and TLC from my parents, it is also a blessing in disguise. 

This change in mindset altered the relationship that I share with my sister completely. We start to share our perspectives of things in life and in a way, I find her opinions relevant and some of her suggestions turn out to be pretty constructive. Things took a bigger turn when my brother got married and moved out and I have one less confidant resultantly. There was also an air of competition between us, albeit it was a healthy one in all aspects of our life besides our weight (no one wanted to put on more weight). A little competition gives you the drive to accomplish things and persevere in face of difficulties. We constantly try to improve on our badminton game because we do not want to lose to each other, we teach each other Mathematics, we challenge each other in smartphone games, etc. Where academics is concerned, perhaps most of the time it was my sister having to play catch up with me since I often was the one who sat certain standards and by the time she grew of age, she had all these expectations and benchmarks to fulfill. I would say she did not do that badly, in fact she excels in a lot of different areas. 

However, there are certain things which clearly define who we are and even though we are siblings, we can never be alike. I can never be as kind-hearted and patient as her while she cannot swear as much as I do and vent her frustrations like a balloon (inflate and deflate continuously just like my emotions). I will never develop the interest and motivation to do all those hand-made cards whereas she will never appreciate alcohol and football. She is portrayed as the angel while me, the devil. There is nothing wrong with being the devil honestly and somehow all middle child end up as the devil. 

Over the years, through our healthy and subtle competition, we help each other become a better person. She helps me to improve on my badminton and my patience threshold, gives me opinions on the things I do in school - reads my question and comments on the difficulty level, listens to my grouses when I mark at home, helps me blow my hair because I am lazy and unwilling to blow it dry before sleeping, sat through my first ever lecture, etc. On the other hand, I teach her how to improve on her mahjong skills, listen to her singing (hohoho), give her travelling tips, let her spend my money (occasionally), troubleshoot the internet at home, etc. 

Our relationship strengthened a lot the last few years and we truly enjoy each other's companionship. I am really glad that my mother had decided to not give up on this child 22 years ago otherwise I would have been a totally different person - for better or for worse, I do not know. I just know - sisters rock. :) She is a garbage track that takes in all the nonsense that I churn out on a daily basis and she is one of the few people who knows me inside out. Sometimes, we talk about life in old age and death and as usual, the angel promises and has to pray that she has to outlive the devil because the devil does not want to be the one who lives to see her loved ones depart one by one. However, often is the case that the kind-hearted soul departs first to be with God so our prayers are probably not going to be answered. 

31 things to say for a month - Day 13: True Love

Day 13: If the opportunity cost of searching the "right" one is too high, what would you do? Continue the search or settle for the next best?


This was a conversation that took place between a group of my colleagues and me and it is not hard for one to detect that most of us who engaged in this conversation were Economics-trained which explains why the use of Economics terminologies.

It started with my colleague asking "Is there a price to everything in this world, including love?" So, if someone (average looking, healthy, age range suitable) is willing to pay 20 lots of Apple shares as betrothal gift (based on price at that point in time ~ US$10 million), would you agree to marry him or her even if there is no love between the two of you. Of course, we gave different answers. Some were adamant that love does not have a price and firmly said NO whereas others simply went along with it and agreed. At least for me, I said YES too with the answer that followed the "YES" as how I will make use of that money to achieve bigger things in life - save the wildlife? sponsor kids in Africa? stat a foundation, etc. My purpose here is not to transcript the entire conversation but to share bits and pieces of the conversation and how I am pondering over this conversation again recently.

So often I get the question, "what exactly do you look for in your other half?" that though I myself have thought over the question a million times, I still do not have an answer. I guess for me, a lot has gone past me. The youthful days of being in a courtship and falling in love could be something as simple as just simply having feelings for another someone are no longer things that I believe in anymore. To a certain extent, looks used to matter for me and wealth, socioeconomic status and educational background not so much. Someone I once treasured dearly told me that simply falling in love with another person and then getting together is something that a pure and innocent heart would succumb to and that should stay with me for the longest time ever in order for me to find true happiness. Unfortunately as the years go by, that someone disappeared from my life and those words dissipated too.

When I look in the mirror at myself every single day, I think of the dreams that I have dreamt and the future that I am working towards, I can only tell myself that what stands in between me and those things are only myself and unlike my family members or friends who have another half - could be their spouses or their offsprings.

I love to travel.
I want to be a global citizen.
I hope to do something for society in the bigger picture of things besides education.

Without money, intellect, and the heart to want to do the things that I envision, where will our future lie? Of course I am not saying that it is only about him having to complement me for I will be as willing to accomplish the things that his heart desires. However, I am just not willing to let go of the things that I have set out to do so I do not think I will be ready to welcome another person into my life anytime soon or even for the remaining of my lifespan because I have gotten so used to how I have governed and directed my own life by myself thus far. However, if I do want to welcome that another person, I guess he has to be financially and mentally ready to complement me. Things that did not use to matter to me have suddenly become important and once again, I will be the one standing in between that someone waiting to enter the picture and myself.

This brings me to the start of this post. The opportunity cost of searching this right match of mine is simply too high and I am not willing to settle for 2nd best - a companion that can be with me for the rest of my life but may not be able to accomplish the things that I want to do. I may end up being a housewife or a typical working mother instead. Life is full of choices. My life is filled with plenty of 3rd best, 4th best, blah blah blah which I never once considered. 2nd best - maybe 10 lots of apple shares based on 2012 share price but just hypothetical.

I used to believe in 'love at first sight' but now, no way. Someone who has only known me in the last 3 years compared to someone who has known me for the last 13 years? The latter will know the real me and the former will probably see only the tip of the iceberg as to who I really am and my desires. It is not possible for me to make a stranger know me in 3 years and accept me for who I am because I am definitely more complicated than most people think who I am. I have my emotions and my way of venting my frustrations, I stand up for what I think is the right thing to do in the heat of the moment and then stumble upon the consequences later, I like to be happy and laugh over the slightest thing because I call that pure happiness. But in my everyday life, I just choose to be easy-going, conform to social norms most of the time and hide my emotions.

So sometimes, I ask myself, "God gave me everything else in moderate to make sure I have a good balance in most aspects of my life but why did He shut the door for the other half to enter completely?" After deliberating with myself countless times, I choose to believe that He has other plans for me and if I have to accomplish what I was tasked to, I just need to be alone to prevent me from being distracted. After all, like I said earlier, it is always me myself standing in between me and the other person and unless I can make peace with myself, I can never question Him.

31 things to say for a month - Day 12: My Homeland

Day 12: One day in the longest time ever when my feelings for my country are especially strong


Source: Google "Doodle for Google Singapore" competition

It was yet another National Day Celebration for me but I realise that as I age, I love National Day celebrations more. Although it might be yet another propagandistic event for many and I do agree to a certain extent, I have to say that I enjoyed it.

As I see the images of historic Singapore being screened, I recall those times I spend as a child in Singapore in the 1990s and early 2000s. The iconic Changi Airport Control Tower, Merlion, Singapore River, etc. that used to appear in my Social Studies textbook, my scrapbook when I was in Primary 4, and my art piece in Secondary school compared to the Singapore Flyer, Esplanade, MBS that may appear in the textbooks of the next generation made me realise how much Singapore has changed over the last decade. However, me being the reminiscent kid, loves the old Singapore much much more. As a kid, I love my country and singing the nation anthem and the National Day songs to me was what I defined a sense of pride that I have for my country. Patriotic emotions overwhelm me whenever I listen or sing those songs and that I will do whatever it takes to showcase to others Singapore and everything that I love about it - positive and negative.

I really miss those things that define Singapore in the past - emphasis on racial harmony, on mixing with people of different races, health education and CME, Singapore Kindness Movement, Garden City, Nation Building, preserving our heritage such as Chinatown, Kampong Glam, Little India, Clarke Quay, etc. Though when I become much older, I found these campaigns silly at times but I appreciate the fact that they formed part of my childhood because those were the things that I found myself deeply rooted and attached to. Moreover, they definitely helped in making us more gracious Singaporeans. However, the kids these days undergo such education, no more.

Perhaps that explains why when I stared at the kids sitting in front of me, watching the celebrations unfold, putting up skits on what defines Singapore - Hello Kitty craze, foreign workers issues, haze, Malaysia Cup and football 1994, congested public transport, etc., I feel a sense of mockery towards the celebrations and seriously, is this what Singapore is to you?

Somehow, when you celebrate the Nation's birthday with someone of a different race yet was born in the same country and grew up facing the same monuments, surroundings and shared a common heritage and culture, you feel bonded and it is so much easier to instill in a person pride and love for the country. No doubt we need more babies to ensure the survival of Singapore and we need foreign workers to keep Singapore competitive to attract investments but no pain, no gain. Every choice incurs an opportunity cost. A local born and bred kid is just different from another who is not. The sense of pride that this represents your roots is not there, isn't it?

This leaves me wondering if the kids at my stage of life a decade later will feel the same way for Singapore like I do now? C'mon people, we really need to do something to make them love Singapore the way we do now. Or maybe to the people out there, it does not matter who will live in Singapore ten or twenty years down the road, might not be someone who knows and loves Singapore, so long as they continue to contribute to the nation's economic progress, they are welcome. However, in the face of disaster, would they still be the one to stay and protect our homeland?

If I could choose, I would rather not have such rapid economic progress to enable me to run away from home and face so much congestion and sometimes disdain for the people I meet on the streets. I want the old Singapore to be back - familiar faces around me and people share a similar heritage and culture, seeing kids who are born and bred in Singapore keeping each other in good company, feeling proud and singing the National Anthem and National Day songs loud and happy, feeling the excitement for various races' special occasions like Chinese New Year where time seems to literally stop, Hari Raya, Deepavali, etc. though that may mean I will have to travel less, earn less and not have the latest technological gadget to keep me company. At least I can travel in my OWN country in comfort and not in someone else's country in comfort and would want to stay here for the rest of my life instead of constantly thinking of how to break free.

p/s: My feelings in this post do not in any way represent my position and stand as an educator but it is purely my personal opinions.