If you move between time

I am catching up these days, not just 1 blog post every quarter but at least very month and if I have more time, I will try writing fortnightly. After all, I do enjoy writing and words are definitely my love language, for I always remember - Speaking is talking to a moment, writing is talking to eternity. 

Today, I shall write about things that I used to enjoy when I was a kid but no longer do as an adult. Well, I did not grow up in such a well-to-do family and as a child, I had many desires that I could not fulfill. I enjoyed buying small little accessories, be it pouches, home decors, pens, key chains etc. but could hardly afford them. Purses were tight and there was no chance my mom would give me the opportunity to buy any of those. I recall when I was about fifteen, I had a bag filled with iron-ons of weird little characters, etc. and that was one of my favourite bags, really. My favourite cartoon character was Doraemon but I like Slam dunk, Rilakumma, etc. and one of my favourite soft toys was this monkey (I cannot recall its name right now but I still have it at home!) and they were all gifts from my best friends. Over time, I grew up and now I am able to buy as many of them as I wish but I realise I have no desires to buy them anymore. 

Instead, I became a collector of souvenirs from all over the world. Every city /country that I go to, I try to bring back something unique e.g. magnets, shot glasses, paintings (at least 15-20  that I do not even have any space to hang any of them) - you name it, I have it. The most classic of all has to be the Turkish lamp which I was in love with but owing to me on a 2 month travel spree at that time, my luggage hardly had any extra space for anything bulky and my friend was all out to stop me. I ended up buying a mini hot-air balloon HAHA but I had my cousin to thank who bought it for me from Turkey! Well, the lamp is sitting right at home and I have turned it on like twice in the last 5 years? 

I know that some day, all of these souvenirs would be dumped or gifted the day I stop breathing but I never regret buying any of those. I buy them for keepsake, so that when I look at them or think about them from time to time, I remember the memories that accompany them e.g. Dad bought the clock from Murano in Venice and is now sitting right on the wall back at home and it brings back so much fond memories of our Europe trip and I know that Venice was definitely my parents' favourite place in Europe in those two weeks.

These days, when I talk to my nieces/ nephews, I realise that everyone is a collector at heart - nieces, a collector of stickers and nephews, a collector of toys/ cars etc. From an adult's perspective and being someone who went through all of these, sometimes, we tend to think it is a waste of money to buy all those things because some day when we grow up (like I do now), we will then realise how much of a wastage those things are. However, looking at them made me reflect upon my own childhood and ponder over the battle between needs and wants. They are trying to fulfill their desires i.e. wants (just like when I was a kid) but those are not necessities. Given that current finances are in a much better position than when I was a kid, we unknowingly fulfill their desires because we do not want them to feel deprived like we did when we were young. Nevertheless, there needs to be a good balance in helping them find their wants and needs. Life is not all about fulfilling needs but also fulfilling wants from time to time so that they grow up happy and fulfilled. What is important is we help them to grow and see value in their desires. 

Besides my collector nature, I realised that I have become so much of a foodie as I age. I used to love eating pizza crusts when I was a kid and I am the kind of person who would leave the favourite part of any food to the last. Hence, I always made the point to start eating the fillings and leave the crust to the last. In Mandarin, we call this bitter first then sweet. HAHA! I do not know when it started but I realise that I dislike eating crusts over time. These days, I would only eat the fillings and not eat the pizza crust LOL! How weird that one's taste changes. Another of the many changes that I observed about myself has to be my love for seafood - I never ate any seafood before the age of 16 I would say. I eat only chicken, fish and probably a bit of pork. As I grew older, I like only seafood and nothing else HAHA. If I had to choose between seafood and meat, I would always go for seafood! How weird is this? Another of those food that has crept into my diet unknowingly is yoghurt. I used to find yoghurt disgusting, after all it is sour. However, I am eating 3-4 yoghurts on a weekly basis these days. Some changes are for the better, some are for the worse but my point is, we do not stop growing and changing no matter how old we are. :) 

Q3 2020

I told myself that I have to write at least once every quarter given this space has been really empty ever since I started working. Today, I shall write about the thing that has taken away my time from writing - Work. 

My affair with this job started in 2016 November in a small apartment in NY, in a little kitchen where I contemplated joining this field, given all the talk about the $$, the prestige, and how it is a field for elites blah blah blah. Sub-consciously, I view it as a challenge to get into the industry, to put all my CFA knowledge into use, to become a true finance professional. I browse the job websites of all the banking institutions, random private equity firms and even did a free internship to hone my modeling skills. The call for an interview finally came in December and you cannot imagine my excitement back then. It was not easy to start afresh in a second career given the success that I have enjoyed in my first career and me calling it quits when I was about to be promoted. Three months later, I found myself moving to the fifth different city in a span of eighteen months. Loads went through my mind - the culture, the work, the uncertainty, the new city such as finding an apartment near to work, and not forgetting the desert weather. Many a times, I broke down and questioned myself if I made the right decision, moving out of my comfort zone, starting a new career like a fresh graduate and be subjected to judgment, sarcasm, etc. When I looked back at my decision back then to go against all odds and how I bite the bullet and pulled it through, I would like to give myself a pat on the back because no one can imagine what I went through in the last 3.5 years at work and 5 years from leaving my family, friends and home behind and plunge into the unknown. 

The purpose of my post today is not to brag about my experiences but to write about the values that my work has taught me. 

1. Grit - You are constantly given "deadlines" that you have to meet and even if you do not, no lives are lost but you still have to adhere to it. You find yourself working into the wee hours of the morning, your brain entirely fried and physically drained but you still show up the next morning at 9am despite sleeping only 2-3 hours. Two all-nighters in a row in my second month into my internship - I can only thank my mahjong all-nighters for providing the training ground in my younger days, that you have to concentrate no matter how tired you are otherwise the dollars will fly (LOL). This job is really all about perseverance because there is an end in sight in every project or assignment although this cycle will continuously repeat itself throughout your career. :p I have pulled countless all-nighters since the first one and each time I have to go through it, I told myself perhaps I have other calling. I have to thank this job for training my resilience and perseverance and that is how I survived my analyst years. 

2. Growth mindset - I cannot say how important this is until I speak with my family members or friends. Often, we feel that we have stopped learning ever since we left school and we expect our education to have taught us everything that we need to survive in the workforce, particularly knowledge. We would want to consult the "experts" in the field when we are faced with uncertainty or ask for help however, in this job, you always have to "have a first cut" at something before someone more senior steps in to guide you or perhaps no one is able to guide you (LOL). I constantly learn, read up on processes, technical knowledge, modeling skills (I am still learning new things now) and learn how to "deal with people" and "manage expectations". Everyone wants to be prioritised but you only have a pair of hands and eyes and a single brain to work on something, in case anyone realised. In contrast to my first career whereby your learning curve hits a plateau rather quickly (if you are a fast learner) and then you find yourself repeating yourself over and over again and the work can get mundane. You are doing the same thing albeit with different people whereas now, I am doing different things with different people all the time. The way to excel in this job is to always be one step ahead and keep learning and believing that you can learn. 

However, I feel that there is a dark side to this job at the same time:

1. Trust - you never know who is playing you out so your trust in someone diminishes over time no matter how strong that initial trust could be. You can only trust yourself, fight for your career and win your own mandates. 

2. You cannot show your weakness or that you are vulnerable - the moment you do, you will feel judged by others all the time (because everyone is so smart). You are down on the rankings and you are "no longer important". Everyone is working hard and pulling all-nighters, why aren't you and why can't you? There is no excuse for being weak, you have to be strong all the time. 

I love my job, however loving my job = losing myself and not being able to love myself in the way I want to anymore and being myself. 

3 months since my last post

Having cooped at home for 3 months, I have a lot more time and I must say that I picked up many different activities. I practise my guitar more, started playing the keyboard in my free time, singing a lot more, and also took some online courses - finance, music, politics, history and what not. However, I do miss my normal lifestyle. I want to go back to playing badminton, travel to any part of the world as I wish and to go home to visit my family and friends. I find it unbelievable that I now have a fear for flying despite me being an avid fan of planes all along. Work has been rather stagnant, I am really lost at times as to what I should be doing, where I am heading and what not. I have decided to sleep early today - halfway through July, I cut away games, cut away dramas A LOT and also all surfing Youtube. Would spending 2 hours on the guitar be better than 2 hours on Youtube? I guess so. Half of 2020 gone and I still have not figured out my next step! T_T

Living in turbulent times

This feels like WWIII. Staying at home and working keeps myself busy and distracts me from overthinking. At least I can watch some shows, listen to music, play the guitar, etc. Imagine our ancestors living in 1914 - 1945. 31 years of ups and downs - WWI, Great Depression, WWII, Cold War follows. 3 months of 2020 has flown by amidst all the fear, uncertainty since late January ever since the outbreak of the virus in Chixa.

Times like these, I feel like I should write more about what is happening around the world - is this motivated by politics, is this a biological warfare, what will happen to China's one belt one road agenda, what will happen to Asians / Chinese in Western society going forward, will India have an outbreak, will we witness a global recession, will we witness bloodshed in developing nations etc.? So many questions, so many unknowns.

At the start of the year, I wrote about how my next steps in life in this new decade. Little did I known that nothing needs to be pondered upon when faced against Nature - Man proposes, God disposes.

我这人很懒什么也没留下

曾今在一个朋友的朋友圈看到这段话，觉得有趣所以用来做个开头

Writing in Chinese is too slow and like my title says, I can be really lazy at times hence I want to write in English because it is way faster to type than Chinese. This week, I experienced one of the most unsettling and uncertain week of my life and perhaps the last time I experienced this was when I was deciding between a MOE scholarship and a SIA interview 14 years ago. What was I tussling between - going home and not. I remembered when I had to make that decision 14 years ago, I too was sitting inside a room in Hilton Hotel, where I was working during vacation, writing a blog post to weigh the pros and cons. Lil Sis did it with me today and that moment made me realise that we indeed are sisters and adopt the same thinking. I am usually a very decisive person, and I make every decision having thought through all the consequences and once I decide, I will not look back no matter what. However this time round, I am really undecided and my mind is like a yoyo (exactly like the stock market these days). I feel like I have to make a decision by the deadline so on some days I feel that yes I have to go home and after another 2-3 hours and having my luggage all packed, I told myself no, I should just stay put. This is the emotional swing that I am going through now.

People around me gave me all sorts of advices, family and friends eager and supportive of me returning home while others felt that it was not the right thing to do and honestly, a part of me does not want to return home at this juncture. I fear one thing - the journey home on the plane when I expose myself to the risk of the virus and potentially spread the virus to others. Thereafter, what happens to my life here in London? My flat? My belongings? My career? Will I ever be able to return to what it was before the crisis? It was only a month ago that I was writing about the virus rather peacefully and now, it has unfolded to such dire consequences in Europe and the US.

However, as I am rather lazy to type because it is 12am, I have decided to keep it short. After going through all the messages I received, I asked myself - what is the worst case scenario? Death. Am I ready to face it? I am. In case I do have to face it, let's go!

For the people who love me so much: this is for you. Life has been pretty generous with me; I have lived a life of no regrets to be honest and I have always wondered how would my life end some day? I travelled to so many of the places that I have always dreamed of visiting since I was a child and then a teenager, all 6 continents of the world and if you read my 19 going on 20 post, I did a reflection of my last decade. I felt that I have achieved so much in life and I have been a very happy person but I put in so much effort every single day of my life to be a happy person - always striving hard in whatever that I do even though I might have the talent / intelligence to exert less effort than others to do it but I always told myself to give my 100% in everything that I do. Indeed, it can be tiring at times to have to always be diligent, be thinking a step ahead of others, to think maturely and so much more (I see so much white hair in the mirror these days), however I do not feel any regrets in doing so and I do not feel painful having to go through all of these. Of course there have been times that I feel like giving up, questioning myself as to why do I have to strive so hard in life but I persevered time and again because I know that some day, all of these would have to come to a stop and that is the day when I shut my eyes and hopefully go to heaven (or not). If I were to leave this world, do not feel any sorrow for me or feel any regrets that I am gone sooner than you do. In fact, you should be happy for me because I can finally put a stop to all of these and be at peace with all kinds of struggles in life. Life indeed is a struggle - thousands of decisions to be made and consequences to be faced but that is what makes us human so make sure you live a life worth living. For me, I feel that I have done that: lived a life worth living, so why have any regrets? When I was 18, I told my best friend, WenX that if someday I die before I go to Old Trafford, he will have to do it for me. How silly was I back then? Also, do not feel that if I have to die, I have to die in Singapore, my hometown or anywhere or have my ashes put somewhere or whatsoever because I do not believe in any of it. We came with nothing and we will leave with nothing. We were meant to be a speck of dust in this vast universe and so will we be gone with the wind.

I have left enough footprints in the people that I love and care about - the places that I have been to with all these people, people who have kept me company, shared their stories with me, made me a better person in life and you can live on with memories of me. I have made enough impact with my little effort in life - having a first career in teaching, influencing kids, showing them the way of life, imparting my values (upright moral values) and I know these people that I have influenced will go on to influence lives and spread the belief and values to a wider number of people. If there is one thing that you feel that you should have done for me but have not, that is to live happily for the rest of your life. If you think of me occasionally, I would be happy but I hope that you will not be upset or unhappy while thinking of me, so depending on whether you would feel happy or sad while thinking of me, then decide whether you should think of me or not. :) Ciao. I love all of you. 请大家都要笑着活下去

Leap year 2020

I have been wanting to hit this space of mine since 3 weeks ago when the virus episode started unfolding and all the discussions / thoughts about the end of the world potentially coming kept surrounding social media/ my friends and I. However, I procrastinated time and again and finally decided to start penning down my thoughts on this special day that comes only once every 4 years. Yes, it is 29 February today!

4 years ago today, my family and I spent it at Old Trafford on the museum tour after which we had lunch and then prepared to fly to Amsterdam the next day. It was a day to remember for sure since my brother and I had been talking about this dream for the longest time ever to one day visit Old Trafford together!

When you become an adult, time flies. It was only 2 months ago that I was writing my 2020 new year resolutions and boom, here we are going into March 2020!!! I have plans to visit Russia this year and was thinking about going to the Arctic cruise in summer this year when I get an extra two weeks off. However, with this virus spreading through Europe these days, I dare not make any plans. I just hope it comes to a conclusion as soon as possible. Occasionally, fear grips me because I live alone and I wonder what I should do if I really catch the virus. How am I going to take care of myself? The ankle sprain in December made me realise that in times of sickness, you see the true colours of people and the amount of care and concern and help that they can extend to you.

In addition to the health scares, you also feel job insecurity. It is one thing to see news of "stock market tumbles, xx billion being wiped out in a week, millionaires and billionaires losing xx billion, etc." but it is another thing when you yourself work in the finance industry and see your meetings being cancelled and leave you wondering if it is going to be a dry year again and what deals will I be doing this year? I remember 7 years ago I started a series of 31 things to talk about in a month and that was the year when I was frantically writing about things that happened to my everyday life, the people I met, the things that I am passionate about, etc.

As we welcome a new decade, I told myself that this will be the year that I want to write more once again. It does not matter if anyone reads my blog because some day when I am old and I look back, I hope this will be a space where I can reminisce about the past.

Today, I shall welcome my first post of the people in my life and the things that they taught me. Countless people enter into my life, some left footprints, some still linger while others are nowhere to be seen. I shall write about as many as I can. I need to be concise otherwise I will be writing until 12am. :)

1. Mom - People always say, "Daughters take after their mom and look to their mother as a role model." I must say that I do, but I told myself that I do not want to follow the footsteps of my mom for sure. My mom is one of the kindest persons that I have ever met in my life but what I learnt from her is that - if you try to make everyone around you happy, you make yourself unhappy. My mom was my confidant as a kid as I recall I enjoy the walks with my mom home from school and me telling her what happened in school. If I felt afraid, especially during a period of time when I first started secondary school, I will find an opportune timing to speak with my mom (it was not easy because she was burdened with work and household chores) and ask her for advice. However, I cannot recall when it was that I stopped confiding in my mom and in fact did not want to tell her anything in my life because I felt she will go around telling my relatives, neighbours, strangers that she met in the market, etc. I started to distant from my mom; we had many disagreements and before I moved overseas to study / work / live, I had a big argument with her. Yet despite all that happened, I love my mom a lot even though I always felt that she did not love me the way I wanted. Having to share my mom's love with so many people - my grandma, her siblings, my dad, my siblings, and her sense of responsibility and her OCD, it was too thin for me at times I felt. Nevertheless, I see her sacrifices so when I started working, I told myself I would like to bring my mom to see the world, to broaden her horizons, to make her feel happy and to lighten her burden. We have been to many places in the last 10 years - Thailand, Taiwan, Maldives, Beijing, Australia, Europe, Dubai, Kenya, Tanzania and Japan. If there is one place which I felt my mom truly enjoyed, it was Maldives. Just the two of us, by the sea for 4 days, my mom playing games on my phone and me lying around. When I decided to bring her to Africa, I felt that I should have brought her alone rather than with my dad because my dad would be a burden to her and she will not truly feel happy. Despite all the trips that we have taken, I never know if my mom truly felt happy when I brought her on my travels. She would always be worrying about the heap of unwashed clothes when she returns so sometimes I feel that bringing her overseas is my way of loving her but perhaps not the way she wanted. I am doing a "my mom's way of love on me" back on her. When I travel, I send my mom postcards from different places that I went to and shared with her my emotions / experiences from my travels. Ever since I reached an age when I could support myself, I tried all ways and means to make my mom happier - I started earning my own upkeep so that she did not have to worry about money be it taking on part-time jobs while studying, going for a scholarship so that she could leave her retirement funds untouched, giving her a part of my salary / bonuses so that she did not have to worry about money, buying her gifts from time to time, bringing her overseas and showing her the world through my lens with my postcards, etc. The only one thing that I had not been doing in the last 4-5 years is staying at home. So much to be said and so much left unsaid, Asian families' way of love is always left in the heart unsaid and if there is one thing I wish for my mom - I wish for her to be happy because I feel that my mom is a very negative person and all her life, she has never felt truly happy.

2. Dad - My dad thinks he is a "know-it-all"and we always joke about how he likes to GG about his childhood, his values in life, his work ethics etc. I do not always talk to my dad a lot because I find him naggy and he loves to repeat himself but I vividly recalls a few conversations that I have with him. I told him that now I am all grown-up, I have seen more in life than he does because I travelled, I moved overseas, I have a wider network so our roles have reversed. While he used to teach us morals and share with us his experiences, our experiences are now more varied than his and we know more about the world than he does. I know that my dad dotes on me a lot ever since I was a kid and towards him, it is a sense of responsibility that my siblings and I fulfil in life towards him. My dad probably did not have a great childhood, probably does not know what it means to be a father and how to be one because he did not have a role model himself, but I feel that he leads a much happier life than my mom. When I compare how I treat them, I see the difference between love and duty.

3. Brother - The most important lesson my brother gave me was the one when he told me - "Everything little thing that you do shapes up your character". I think it happened during my first/ second year in the polytechnic and that phrase really made a huge impact on me. Each time I felt that I could leave something to tomorrow, each time I felt that I could take one shortcut, each time I felt that I wanted to be rude to someone, each time I felt that I want to be selfish and end up doing something potentially inconsiderate, that phrase came to my mind and I decided to go that extra mile and put in extra effort and be more considerate. That shaped me into who I am today; I have a little bit of intelligence which enables me to pick up things quickly but that phrase coupled with my early failure in life moulded me into someone who would put in double the hard work and effort in my work because I feel that if I were to be a little lazy today, I would be a little lazy tomorrow as well and that laziness would grow and shape me into a completely different person. You never know how your words may affect a person's life so think before you speak. Like my mother, I feel that my brother is also a generally unhappy person despite him having so much love from everyone around him - my mom, my SIL, my sister and I, my cousins, etc. All of us shower him with a lot of praises and love but it seems like his heart is a bottomless pit that no amount of love, care and concern can truly fill it. Hence, I wish the same for him like my mom that someday, he will truly feel happy again. I do not know if that day will ever come but I really hope it will.

4. Sister - My sister is my real pillar of support in the last five years ever since I moved overseas. She is my confidant, my rubbish bin whom I pour all my sorrows, direct all my grouses and complaints to, etc. It can be so tiring to keep listening to someone complain but my sister takes it all in. Hence, I am really grateful for having my sister around me. I used to dislike her when I was a kid because I felt that my mom was biased towards her and loved her more than she loved me. However, having all grown up, I was able to change my perspective that if I were the more able/ capable one among the two of us, it would make more sense for my mom to love my sister a bit more and I will protect them and support them. Hence, I never once looked back at my childhood and lingered in the "my mom is biased" history and have any disdain for my sister. However, in the last 1-2 years, I could sense that my sister is also experiencing a lot in life that she is becoming a different person. It worries me because I once feel that my sister has the purest heart in the world - kindness, sympathy, empathy, love for the people around her and this 赤子之心 once eroded can never be regained. I wish the world would not taint her nature, a part of it out of my selfishness that if my sister stayed who she used to be, she would always be that pillar of support for me but also more importantly, I am afraid she will experience darkness and grow to be increasingly unhappy if she loses her nature. I remember I used to tell my sister that I really hope that she will not die before I do because I will feel lonely in a world without her and I do not want to feel lonely. However, I must say that in the last 1 year, I have started to come to terms that no one can stay the way they are for the rest of their lives - the only constant in this world is change so I have to come to accept that my sister is no longer who she was 5 years ago and I have to cope with the fact that I will be lonely in the many years to come in the future. The sense of responsibility that my sister has towards my parents and these days, I feel towards me as well, is one thing that I really fear. I do not want my sister to feel like she has a sense of responsibility towards us, that what she is doing is out of her duty and not the love she has for us but that is way beyond my control. I wish for my sister to not be tainted by the ugliness of this world.

The 4 most important people in my life since I was born - 一辈子或许很短但一瞬间可以很长. I learnt that even though you might be so reliant on someone for a good 5-10 years or even more, your relationship may not always stay the way it is for the rest of your life even though you are connected by blood. Love is... neither out of responsibility nor duty. Love should be from the heart. Perhaps I had not been spending enough time at home but I feel that I truly love my mom, my brother and sister. I always wished for the best for them, for them to be happy and I always try my best to help them and encourage them in my way, yet I have only been through perhaps half a lifetime and I could feel fatigue in our relationships and some days I feel it could break down any time. In the past, I would have no qualms about asking for a favour from my sister i.e. buy something, do something for me, etc. but these days, I sense that she might find it a chore to always have to deal with my requests. I feel sad when I think about how it has evolved into because I always feel that if we are one family, we should not feel bad / guilty about asking for a favour because that is what being family means. You do it out of love for your family but if you let such a thought seed in you, it is the start of a relationship deteriorating and hence in Chinese, a lifetime might be short but you live through so many moments in a lifetime and it is those moments that can be seemingly long and painful.

5. Bihong - Bihong is also family to me, someone whom I grew up with and always like a sister to me. I always feel that she is the most blessed among our entire family - a decent career, good looks, a loving husband now and two adorable kids, need not worry about finances, etc. For that, I hope I can protect her, protect her happiness because happiness does not come easy in life, especially for us who grew up in a disadvantaged family - low income, broken, divorced, etc. She is the only person in my family whom I envy and for that, I feel happy that I can at least envy 1 person in my entire family. 请你一定要一直幸福下去

6. Doe Doe - Watched her grew up, always felt that she would have a smooth sailing life, steady boyfriend, finally graduated from university and having her own career. I paid much less attention towards her than Efu but things took a sudden turn and her life collapsed. I always recall the time when she came to my university dorm in NUS and me helping her during PSLE. It is a bond / moment in life that you share with that someone whom you will remember for the rest of your life. After the breakup, I felt one thing towards her - negligence. I realised that I had not spent enough time with her, had not shown her enough concern because I felt that she had a better half to take care of her already. Yet in my eyes, I really feel that she is outstanding and she deserves someone who will take good care of her for the rest of her life. She shall not and cannot belong to our 'forever alone' gang, please.

7. Efu - Watched her grew up and I know I have made an impact in her life but little does she know that because of her, I will also want to better myself so that I can always be ahead of her and guide her when she feels lost. Though heartless as she may seem, I feel that she is the true embodiment of love from what she does for her parents and siblings. She is still young and has not been tainted by the ugliness of the world. She is the someone whom I talk rubbish with these days even when we are miles apart. You cannot imagine how touched I am when she told me that she want to go with me to somewhere that I have not been to, to explore the world with me because she knows that I love to travel and now that she is all grown up and can earn her own upkeep, she can travel with me rather than me playing the tour guide. :) Like my sister, I wish Efu can stay pure and innocent and continue to love the people around her.

8. Benjamin - Watched him grew up as well and seen how hard he has ploughed to get to where he wants to be. There is a Chinese saying - 帮人帮到底 送佛送到西. 2009 was the defining year for our relationship - me deciding to give this cousin of mine a push during his O levels and since then, I can only say that I am really proud of him. Always giving his best, truly wanting to become an educator and mould lives - he can continue what I left behind and ever since 2009, I always think about this cousin of mine, about how I can give him a little push whenever he needs one because since I have decided to interfere in his life back in 2009, I am going to have to do it all my life! He is this close to fulfilling his dream of becoming an educator after 11 years of biting the bullet through from poly to army to university. Please, God, bless him with strength and conviction to finally get to where he wants to because he really deserves it!

I am really tired and in line with my new 2020 NY resolution to sleep early and live a healthy lifestyle, I shall continue with this tomorrow or the day after. There are just so many people for me to write about.

A brand new decade - 19 going on 20

It's really late now but I know that if I do not do this, I will simply procrastinate and end up not writing my final post for the year.

As my title says, it is 2019 turning 2020 and a brand new decade is about to begin. I have accomplished much in 2019, learnt lessons both at work and in life. As usual, the year started off really badly with me having to rush a RfP with the ED in 7 days starting from 2 Jan 2019 while little rattie visited me. I was doing all-nighters for 5 days in a row, sleeping 3-4 hours per day while juggling my work with tour guide duties. However, I was very happy to have Rattie visit me, going to the beach, desert, counting down together while watching the Burj Khalifa lit up in fireworks, albeit a little short.

Milestones: After having written "learn to play the guitar / learn to swim" 3 years in a row in 2017, 2018 and 2019, I am glad I finally signed up for guitar lessons. It is not easy I must say but I must persevere and make progress! I will leave swimming to the later half of this year which I hope I will figure out my next step with.

I GOT MY CFA CHARTER CERTIFICATION FINALLY!

Another milestone which I have hit (but not in my 2019 NY resolution) is to finally bring Granny to Japan. I took a 3 weeks break from work while making the transition from Dubai to London and we went on a trip to Hokkaido. It was not easy with Granny being hardly able to walk but thankfully we could use the wheelchair whenever we could (though pushing her was not an easy feat) and a road trip definitely helps. Being on the trip made me realise the many right decisions that I made along my life, some in the previous decade and some in this: learning how to drive when I turned 18 even though I was poor and had to scrimp and save to make it happened; YOLO solo trip to Canada in 2011 for only a week, surviving two 24h flights within 10 days to make it happened and consequently driving on my own overseas for the first time, road trip to Hokkaido with YL back in 2014 after I decided to quit my job. All these decisions led to experiences which gave me confidence to drive on the left. I believe I ticked off one of Granny's bucket list item - "Visit Japan". No doubt it was 8 years late (from 2011 to 2019) but better late than never.

The 3rd milestone would be making our 10 year anniversary trip to Taiwan. It is amazing how we managed to pull it off despite the 5 of us having such differing interests, schedules, etc. and also having Doggie onboard with us this time round. We try to recreate some of the photos we took back in 2009 but in my mind, the memories never faded. It was not about the pose or the place, but rather the people and the company that made a difference. Thank you for my sister, cousins and Doggie for being such great companions growing up and while travelling. I hope it will not be another 10 years that we do a trip together again. Going to Mayday concert in Taiwan after 10 years; enjoyed the old songs that they sang from their first 3 albums - one of my favourite songs being REN SHENG HAI HAI in their old album and probably the trigger into my Mayday fanhood and growing to like two others - YI KE PING GUO and AI QING DE MO YANG

Last but not least, I am glad I returned home for the year end countdown and brought back the present exchange tradition that we had for almost 8 or 9 years starting from 2005 or 2006. Ever since I left Singapore to pursue my ambitions abroad, this tradition has stalled. We did it differently this time round, playing the Secret Santa game, being positive by having guess the Secret Santa and doing away with the "Lousiest present award" as it can be quite detrimental to the confidence of some people (being afraid to buy a lousy present and get mocked at). I know that my family are very critical and competitive people, out of kind and good intentions to improve, but I really hope that we can seek improvement in a more positive way. Maybe it is coincidence, maybe it is fated but it seems like we received presents from people that we closely knitted with e.g. my Secret Santa being Rattie, bro's secret Santa being Er Jie, Er Jie's Secret Santa being Ade (jokes about her buying inappropriate gifts for Er Jie), etc. I really like the present a lot as I am at an age whereby I have everything that I need and have to buy the luxuries by myself so personalised items are my favourite these days. :)

I relocated from Dubai to London and it was a very difficult decision to suffer a 50% paycut knowing how much I was loving the extra cash to prepare for my flat purchase and having a strong support network in Dubai from my badminton friends. However, I am glad that I made the move as I get to learn new things and it has been such a pleasure to work with CD - how he focuses on solving problems they arise rather than fault finding, actively being involved in the brainstorming, learning from each other (albeit more of me learning from him). Moving here though made me realise that London is not as wonderful / great to live in as perceived by others. It is constantly cold and I miss the sunlight so much.

As for my interests, I made some really good friends in Dubai through badminton - K, KK, J. K really treats me like a good friend and I really appreciate his friendship! KK is fun and relaxed to hang around with and I enjoy being friends with people like him with no burden / ulterior motives. J is a great badminton partner on the court and also always reaches out to say HI. Knowing them fuelled my passion for badminton further - wanting to see myself improve, becoming a much better mixed doubles player in the span of six months with me going for 2 months of coaching. Unfortunately, I ended the "season" (year) with an ankle sprain again and I have to stop badminton (for 4 weeks now but i will rest up to 6 weeks). The injury made me more conscious of my own well-being as I believe fatigue had caused me to be injured - not sleeping much the entire week as I rush to finish my work before the holidays, rushing to the airport, rushing from the airport to meet different people and ended up not having lunch. With my muscles and body all tired and hungry, I guess I just could not sustain the single rally. I will make sure to take care of my own body better going forward. My injury also made me understand the pains that Granny has to go through - legs not having any strength to walk, not wanting to climb any flight of steps (descending is the most painful), simply wanting to sit and rest at every available opportunity. Indeed, we need to travel while we are young and fit; the money can wait; accumulation of wealth can wait but not our energy and physical strength neither can time.

Reflecting on the entire decade - so much has happened in my life:

• Started my professional career and quitting after 4.5 years 
• Fulfilled my ambition to become a global citizen - having studied my Masters in Europe and eventually working in New York, Dubai and now London
• Interned at the UN to have a glimpse of the work of international organisations 
• Lived in so many different countries in the last decade - Singapore, UK, Spain, Brazil, US and UAE 
• Attained the CFA charter finally in Oct 2019 after the thought of getting it first seeded in 2012 as I told myself that I have to move on to a 2nd career which interests me more; 3 years of reading over 30,000 pages of the exam materials, hours buried in the JE library after work, on the weekends and what not, sleeping 1 hour before CFA II exams and worried that I could not pass
• Starting a 2nd career in IB - this was one thing that I would never have expected a decade ago, not even 7 years ago when I signed up for the CFA examinations or 5 years ago when I packed my bag to pursue my dreams thousand of miles away from home
• Crossed the mark of visiting 60 countries truly being a globetrotter now

The people and experiences that have left a mark on me in this decade:

• Overseas adventures - Africa, Bhutan, Balkans, South America 
• Doggie's decade
• YL, N, Tom, K (more for sure but so far these few) plus not forgetting my CDGJ buddies
• Love story of SJK/ SHK and probably AS/JC - embodiment of love and fairy tales when they first got together but their divorce really shocked me and made me wonder if true love really exists? AS / JC - not sure if there is really love but if indeed yes, what stops them from pursuing it? What are the chances of us meeting someone that we really love and gets love in return? It happens but I have very little faith in these things

I can go on and on but I would need to sleep soon. I sum up my decade with the following:

No one has the right to judge you because no one really knows what you have been through. They might have heard the stories, but they didn't feel what you felt in your heart.

Moving forward, I hope I continue to live a fulfilling life in this brand new decade:

1. Master one song on the guitar - preferably Mayday's song
2. Visit Russia
3. Go on a family trip with my nieces (C, A) though this is probably beyond my control 
4. Live a healthier lifestyle - sleep earlier, more fruits (twice per week?) / vegetables, less chocolates and sweets, cutting away my snacking behaviour of eating chocolates everyday HAHAHA! 
5. Figure out my next step for this new decade - where next? what next?
6. Look beyond others' judgment and live life / deal with work such that I am not subjected to anyone's whims and fancies
7. I hope my skin condition (face) improves - have been plagued by this acne problem ever since I left Singapore and sometimes I do not even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore :(

We keep moving forward, opening new doors and new things, because we are curious. And curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.

I hope it is not just me that live by the above, but also my family and dear friends, that we will always keep a curious mind and keep becoming a better person. I know more awaits me in the new decade; probably a flat eventually, going home, etc.

2020, bring it on and I am ready!

A new life, new thoughts

Yes, I made the transition from Dubai to London and have finally settled down in London after 1.5 months - exams cleared, IT settled, found a place to stay, some social badminton, etc. but I honestly miss my life in Dubai.

Taking a severe pay cut was one of the things that I managed to come to terms with pretty quickly since I knew it was going to happen and it was all about managing expectations. I enjoy living in London, since it's summer now, weather is cooling and lots of events happen in London all the time. Changing a team was a good move as well - my direct boss is someone who is really kind and I truly enjoy working with him, hitherto. In terms of work, given that I was highly valued in Dubai, I was given all the interesting projects to work on but here in London, it is not always so but I still hope I can learn as much as I can.

Back to my personal life, the first few weeks when I was here, I was busy with exams, settling in, etc. and all I did was sleep the weekends away given that I had to work late all the time during the weekdays, so much so that it has made me kinda lazy. I recently read an article about the importance of discipline - how it is painful to discipline ourselves and exert restraint in our daily lives - eating the right kind of food, exercising, staying committed, etc. I feel that I have discipline when it comes to certain things but truly lacks discipline when it comes to many things.

One, I eat too much chocolate and sweet stuff here in the UK. Since I was here, I have eaten close to 4 packets of this really nice chocolate and hazelnut crepes from Lidl, 3 packets of x16 M&S teacakes, countless bars of chocolates, nuts and chocolate raisins. I think it is really unhealthy to have so much sugar intake though I go to the gym and all. This is worse than when I was in Dubai when I used to buy tons of chocolate bars, feast on Tim Tam's, nutella bars, etc. when I had to work late into the night. I have been telling myself that I need to put a stop to all these snacks but I always feel that why make my life so difficult and stop myself from eating all these snacks that I truly love? Life is short, I I should enjoy it while it lasts.

Then I decided to join a running group that my family started to clock 50km of running within a month. i am 9 days away and I have clocked only 24.6km, not even halfway. To get to 50km, it means i would have to run an average of 3km per day. It is not just the running for me I feel, it is also the aftermath of cleaning the dirty and soiled clothes that I absolutely dread and also the inner desire within me - I do not feel compelled to accomplish the challenge. I tried to discipline myself in other ways though - I signed up for bike sharing to force myself to cycle to work and back because I paid for it so I would feel compelled to use the service but I do not know how long I can sustain it before I will eventually give up. Hahaha! There is one thing that I managed to convince myself to keep up with and that is badminton - I looked for groups to join and I would even travel 45-50mins just so I can play badminton.

I told myself to read up more about my work, to brush my knowledge and I have been doing so during my free time but question is - for how long can I keep it up before I get sick and tired again? Almost half of the people from my analyst class has left the bank and went on to pursue greener pastures and I was telling my sis that at times, I wonder if I should? I do not think that I am weaker than them in terms of ability but I just do not know what to do next? I enjoy my current work, albeit the crazy hours. Many a times, the crazy hours can simply be avoided in my humble opinion but given that I am in one of the best jobs (IMO again), I do not see myself quitting IB and going to some other field. Some of my friends have moved on to do their own startups, others to private equity, some to SWFs, and others to corporates etc. What about me? For me, I only want to become better - go to a better firm or a strong PE firm but I am afraid of the endless competition tbh. All my life, I have been competing or rather forced to compete and I cannot help feel tired at times.

I have been lying in my bed - been on youtube or sleeping for 2 Saturday's, like it or not. I enjoy nua-ing on my bed and it gives me utility to not do anything, having fried my brain for the entire week at work but sometimes I feel guilty for doing what I do. I feel like I am wasting my time away lying on my bed. I had wanted to go watch Wimbledon today but I wasn't up for queuing for tickets in the wee hours of the morning hence I gave up after having woken up at 11.30 am.

I moved on from Dubai to London. Although I do miss my friends in Dubai a lot, I knew I had to move on. Dubai is a transient place and my friends will move away from Dubai some day too. It was only a matter of time and hence I told myself that I have to move on. It was not difficult for me to settle into London emotionally, particularly helped by the weather (very good thus far), because it has its own charms and I still get to do the things that I enjoy - badminton. However, I never felt guilty when I used to lie around at home in Dubai on my Saturdays. I played badminton for 4 hours on Friday usually and I would usually sleep my Saturday away before going back to work on Sunday so why do I feel differently here in London?

The fact that I am in Europe now, I could always take the weekend to travel somewhere and especially since I am such a "travelholic". However, I do not see myself doing so. Some days I just feel that I have been to all these places and what is the point of me going there on my own again?

I am blogging because I feel that I need a change in my life - which is why I chose to move to London but I see myself lingering in my old self in Dubai - nua-ing on the weekends and seemingly missing the tax-free income hahahaha...

How does it feel to be not unhappy but not feeling happy either?