曾今在一个朋友的朋友圈看到这段话，觉得有趣所以用来做个开头
Writing in Chinese is too slow and like my title says, I can be really lazy at times hence I want to write in English because it is way faster to type than Chinese. This week, I experienced one of the most unsettling and uncertain week of my life and perhaps the last time I experienced this was when I was deciding between a MOE scholarship and a SIA interview 14 years ago. What was I tussling between - going home and not. I remembered when I had to make that decision 14 years ago, I too was sitting inside a room in Hilton Hotel, where I was working during vacation, writing a blog post to weigh the pros and cons. Lil Sis did it with me today and that moment made me realise that we indeed are sisters and adopt the same thinking. I am usually a very decisive person, and I make every decision having thought through all the consequences and once I decide, I will not look back no matter what. However this time round, I am really undecided and my mind is like a yoyo (exactly like the stock market these days). I feel like I have to make a decision by the deadline so on some days I feel that yes I have to go home and after another 2-3 hours and having my luggage all packed, I told myself no, I should just stay put. This is the emotional swing that I am going through now.
People around me gave me all sorts of advices, family and friends eager and supportive of me returning home while others felt that it was not the right thing to do and honestly, a part of me does not want to return home at this juncture. I fear one thing - the journey home on the plane when I expose myself to the risk of the virus and potentially spread the virus to others. Thereafter, what happens to my life here in London? My flat? My belongings? My career? Will I ever be able to return to what it was before the crisis? It was only a month ago that I was writing about the virus rather peacefully and now, it has unfolded to such dire consequences in Europe and the US.
However, as I am rather lazy to type because it is 12am, I have decided to keep it short. After going through all the messages I received, I asked myself - what is the worst case scenario? Death. Am I ready to face it? I am. In case I do have to face it, let's go!
For the people who love me so much: this is for you. Life has been pretty generous with me; I have lived a life of no regrets to be honest and I have always wondered how would my life end some day? I travelled to so many of the places that I have always dreamed of visiting since I was a child and then a teenager, all 6 continents of the world and if you read my 19 going on 20 post, I did a reflection of my last decade. I felt that I have achieved so much in life and I have been a very happy person but I put in so much effort every single day of my life to be a happy person - always striving hard in whatever that I do even though I might have the talent / intelligence to exert less effort than others to do it but I always told myself to give my 100% in everything that I do. Indeed, it can be tiring at times to have to always be diligent, be thinking a step ahead of others, to think maturely and so much more (I see so much white hair in the mirror these days), however I do not feel any regrets in doing so and I do not feel painful having to go through all of these. Of course there have been times that I feel like giving up, questioning myself as to why do I have to strive so hard in life but I persevered time and again because I know that some day, all of these would have to come to a stop and that is the day when I shut my eyes and hopefully go to heaven (or not). If I were to leave this world, do not feel any sorrow for me or feel any regrets that I am gone sooner than you do. In fact, you should be happy for me because I can finally put a stop to all of these and be at peace with all kinds of struggles in life. Life indeed is a struggle - thousands of decisions to be made and consequences to be faced but that is what makes us human so make sure you live a life worth living. For me, I feel that I have done that: lived a life worth living, so why have any regrets? When I was 18, I told my best friend, WenX that if someday I die before I go to Old Trafford, he will have to do it for me. How silly was I back then? Also, do not feel that if I have to die, I have to die in Singapore, my hometown or anywhere or have my ashes put somewhere or whatsoever because I do not believe in any of it. We came with nothing and we will leave with nothing. We were meant to be a speck of dust in this vast universe and so will we be gone with the wind.
I have left enough footprints in the people that I love and care about - the places that I have been to with all these people, people who have kept me company, shared their stories with me, made me a better person in life and you can live on with memories of me. I have made enough impact with my little effort in life - having a first career in teaching, influencing kids, showing them the way of life, imparting my values (upright moral values) and I know these people that I have influenced will go on to influence lives and spread the belief and values to a wider number of people. If there is one thing that you feel that you should have done for me but have not, that is to live happily for the rest of your life. If you think of me occasionally, I would be happy but I hope that you will not be upset or unhappy while thinking of me, so depending on whether you would feel happy or sad while thinking of me, then decide whether you should think of me or not. :) Ciao. I love all of you. 请大家都要笑着活下去
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