On a Carousel

I know I haven't been updating as frequently as I would like to but some days I am just too tired to write. :) Nevertheless, today is a day that I should write on since I will be enjoying the last year before the turn of a new decade of my life.

It was a peaceful day for me, and I did all the things that I enjoyed right from the clock struck 12a.m. Sleeping, taking trains, travelling, shopping, gifting, getting new shoes, exercising, eating my favourite food - hazelnuts, Japanese food. They seem like usual activities in my daily life but doing it on this special day makes me feel that I am a blessed person to be able to enjoy these activities even in my daily life.

When I was 19 going on 20, I felt like I was super OLD. I was no longer a teenager and I was kinda sick of having fun. I wanted to grow up quickly, to have things that I cannot afford as a kid, to travel as much as I can to see the world, to have more freedom, etc. Now that I am in this final year before I enter into another new decade, I feel like I am 20 all over again. Maybe because I have been hanging around with kids since I graduated from university so I feel young at heart. Besides, I am studying now and I do not feel like I am not having fun in life. I have always wanted to change my environment, to change my life circumstances, to impact lives blah blah blah. I once read this quote,

Some people think that a place can save them, like if they could just be somewhere else, their lives would be totally different. They could finally be the person they always wanted to be. A place is a place. If you really want things to change, you can no matter where you are. 

Now that I have finally changed a place, I can relate to this quote even more. I realise that me being me, I know myself so well. I know my own whims and fancies but sometimes I just had to go along with social obligations. My perspective of life will not change regardless of where I am, Singapore or any part of the world. I face the same emotions because the people around me are similar but different. I continue to face different challenges when it comes to interpersonal relationships and how I handle my life. I cannot run away from dreadful affairs that I have to face in Singapore even when I am thousands of miles away from home.

The challenge for me when I get back home is to continue to be whom I am able to be while I am here. Smiling and laughing at the smallest things in life that make me happy, being who I want to be without fears of being judged. Happy B-day, Gisella, Gizelle, Gazelle, Ginnelle!

Once upon a time

Recently, one of my friends got hitched. I am writing this because I never had the courage to write about it many years back or even tell anyone about it, for fear that it will ruin my friendship with this friend of mine. However, now that I am far away in the UK and no one really reads my blog anymore, I can finally write about this.

When I entered into my 3rd year in middle school, for the first time in my life, I felt something serious about this one guy in my class. When I had to give out files for Chinese class, I saw his Chinese name and was not sure how to pronounce it but I wanted to know him better. I then turned to my pseudo good friend in class and asked. She teased me about it and knew that I was kind of into this guy. However, I denied because I did not want anyone to know about it. A secret is best kept if you are the only one who knows about it. So I insisted that I was curious about one particular Chinese character and wanted to confirm the pronunciation of the word. Somehow, fate has its own twist and this pseudo good friend of mine ended up carrying a torch for this guy a few months later and this was made known to the entire class. Eventually, they got together and now they are engaged! 

I feel happy for the both of them since they have been dating since middle school and have gone through so much ups and downs together. I do not feel like I have missed an opportunity because the 'me' a decade ago is so much different from the 'me' today. I was not a confident person back then, and often had to hide my flaws and inferiority by putting up a strong front. I was bad at expressing myself as well and seriously doubt any decent guy would take a 2nd look at me. So, I was never a choice for him to begin with. Besides, I do not think we are compatible as well. I might like his personality but he probably did not think much about my personality. For a period of time, I was really good friends with him (not because I still feel something for him) because I really admire his personality. However, I never really put in much effort to maintain this friendship and then we stopped talking much to each other.

Occasionally, I think about how my life would be different if I had made different choices while growing up but I never regret my decisions, especially when it comes to love. I once wished for a simple life, get married and settle down with kids. I do not really care about money, status, fame, wealth, etc. and had wanted someone who will walk through life with me till the end of time. However, I do not know what has happened over the years that made me decided that this is not what I want in life ultimately. Maybe I would eventually divorce that someone that I was married to if I had chosen marriage as an option. But MAYBE. Fortunately, I am a happy person now and I know that my choices have helped shape my character and made me a better person now. 

Over the years, I have fallen in love with others and also out but all these people whom I once felt something for, I hold them to my heart dearly. I hope that they will find happiness in life and be blessed. Almost all of them have moved on in life and some are even married with kids. This is really a sign of old age for me and this guy is probably one of the last. 

Love is never about who falls in love with who first, or who met first. It is always about meeting the right person at the right time. Dedicated specially to 'bestie' and I wish him happiness! :) 

对的人，或许会在错的时间去敲你的门 The right person, may appear at your door at the wrong time,

错的人，却可能是你一生最难忘的人 The wrong person, may be the most unforgettable person in your life, 

陌生人，也许会变成最亲密的爱人 The stranger, may become the dearest person to you

别以为不可能，什么都有可能，在这一场旅程 Do not think that it is impossible because anything is possible, in this journey of life. 

Perspectives

It has been almost 2 months since I last came to Stoke-on-Trent. I have met people from all walks of life in my time here and each of them has a different perspective to share with me. Perhaps it is because of my age that's why I can talk to anyone about everything under the sun, except those that are really really young.

Today, I had an interesting conversation with one of my Bulgarian friend about how it feels to grow old. She asked if I actually felt that I am different compared to when I was 10 years ago? I told her about my "What would I be story?" and she had a good laugh about it. She said she wanted to write something on "What would she be when she is 30 years old?" I think she mentioned something that really left a deep impression on me, about how as a teenager, you make a lot of harsh decisions, think that you can overcome any obstacles out there and are decisive on all kinds of matter. As you age, you start to think a little more about every little thing. I totally agree. I am a decisive person but not to the extent of being rash. Occasionally, I speak too fast and may end up hurting others but most of the time, I do not. I make decisions quickly because I hate wasting time on jumping from one decision to another but that doesn't mean I do not weigh my options carefully. That's why I feel that even though I am 28, I still continue to have fun, laugh out loud and just enjoy in every happy moment that I experience.

Then, some of my badminton friends found out that I was actually 28 and they were absolutely shocked. They thought I looked like 20! So one of the guys actually asked me why is it that I choose to reveal my age? There is nothing to hide, that's what I feel. I have lived in this world for the last 28 years and I think that I have not lived in vain. I have gained a lot of experiences on my travels, meet people from so many different countries, learnt so much about them and am still learning. I may not have a lot of money, may not have a dream career, may sometimes wonder what the hell am I doing with my life but on the overall, I think I am a happy person. I just want to be free and at this very moment of my life, I am free and I am really happy. I know the time will come when I have to start thinking about my future again, where will I go after this Master's? Sometimes, it is these thoughts that make me shiver because that is when my age works to my disadvantage.

After that, I spent 2 hours of my time chatting with this guy from China, who appears to be a rich kid and knows nuts about this highly competitive world, but turns out to be more mature for someone his age. We were talking about society, culture, economy of China, etc. and I definitely did not think he was capable of this. To a certain extent, I agree with him to a certain extent with regards to the situation in China. All those complaints about human rights, environmental pollution, etc are part of the sacrifice necessary to make China the next America or the UK. The US and UK suffered so much during the American Civil War and Industrial pollution, and that made them the two most powerful countries in the last 3 centuries. However, there was no "US" or "UK" to complain about the pollution and lives lost when the two economies underwent development. Coincidentally, I recalled the tour to the pottery factory in Stoke-on-Trent whereby they talked about how some workers in the potteries never lived beyond 40 because of them breathing huge amounts of coal and other pollutants while working in the potteries or coal mines. I also better understood the mindset of many so-called PRCs and I know why their motivation in life is MONEY.

The more people of different nationalities that I meet, the more I appreciate the fact that we are all different, motivated by different things in life and there is no need to change a person to conform to your beliefs or thinking or vice versa. Ah life, ah humans....

Frejat - Segredos

One very nice Portuguese song recommended by my Brazilian friend. Not just applying to love but to many different aspects of our lives. If you love something or have a passion for something, go get it. Chase after your dreams and never let go.


In Portuguese: 

Eu procuro um amor
Que ainda não encontrei
Diferente de todos que amei...

Nos seus olhos quero descobrir
Uma razão para viver
E as feridas dessa vida
Eu quero esquecer...

Pode ser que eu a encontre
Numa fila de cinema
Numa esquina
Ou numa mesa de bar...

Procuro um amor
Que seja bom prá mim
Vou procurar
Eu vou até o fim...

E eu vou tratá-la bem
Prá que ela não tenha medo
Quando começar a conhecer
Os meus segredos...

Hum! Hum! Huuuum!...

In English:

I'm looking for one love
One that I've never found before
One, different from all those I ever loved

In her eyes, I want to find a reason to live
And the wounds of my life, I just want to forget them

Who knows I'll find her in a queue to the theather
Or standing in the corner of a street
Or sitting at the table of some pub

I'm looking for one love
One that'd make me feel good
And I'll go on
Looking for it until the end

And I'll be very nice to her
So that she doesn't get affraid
as she learns more of my secrets

I'm looking for one love, one reason to live
And the wounds of my life, I just want to forget them

Maybe I'll stumble over the words, not knowing what to say
But I'll stand tall and won't leave there without her by my side

Source: athttp://lyricstranslate.com/en/segredos-secrets.html

Solitude Vs Loneliness

I looked up the meaning of this word, 'solitude' because I remember coming across it somewhere and it explained perfectly the way I felt towards myself, since time immemorial. I have been away from home for close to 3 weeks and I embarked on this journey hoping to meet new people, gain new experiences and prepare for the next stage of life. However, in the last 20 days or so, I am amazed by how warm the people in my course are thus far and they want to spend time together every night (not everyone in the class but several of them). It was either partying, drinking, going to the park, grocery shopping, house parties or move nights, etc. I like all these programmes that they have been planning thus far but I find myself valuing my few hours of solitude and freedom more at times. Hence, I either left early on a few occasions or totally skipped those gatherings. I love the company of these people, since I am someone who enjoys being around people. Nevertheless, I am losing my own 'ME' time and the freedom to do I want to do. My perspective is such that we have an entire year to hang out, build bonds and spend time with each other. We seriously do not need to be in each other's company ALL the time, right?

Back in the teenage years, I was so concerned about whether I would be left out or not if I skipped a party or two or leave early and be labelled as a loser. However, these days, I would be happy to skip one or two parties so that I can have time for myself. I enjoy spending time with myself. I am also very sure of what I want to do and how I view myself and could not care more about others' opinions of me if I decide to leave early. I must say a simple conversation with one of the guys ignited this behaviour. We were discussing about society, organizations, norms, and how people lose the free will to do whatever that they want because they were afraid of being judged by others i.e. society, friends, etc. So I was reminded that I am who I am and I am here with certain objectives and I should not have to feel compelled to accompany who and who just because I need to conform to social norms. If it was 10 years ago, I definitely would not have the courage to do this and end up being called 'anti-social'.

I must say that I have matured more than that I had imagined myself to be though I still look young (haha since all my classmates say that I could easily pass off as a 21 year old). In the past, I would feel that I am a loner if I were to be going to the supermarket on my own or sitting in the bus on my own, etc. These days, I am looking for opportunities to go to the supermarket on my own because sometimes I want to be able to buy the things that I want, without being judged or questioned about my decision. I have grown more decisive than I had imagined. So I cannot comprehend one of my friends as to why she has to ask for opinion for every decision, "Should I take a scarf?", "Should I wear this?", "Which pasta should I buy?" etc. She is really cool and I really feel comfortable being friends with her. However, sometimes I would like to remind her that she is old enough and should be independent enough to make her own decisions.

I would also like to narrate an incident while we went on a school trip. As with every bus journey, you sit in pairs and I was expecting this friend of mine who hangs out with me all the time to be sitting with me. So I decided not to bring a book along. I was very shocked when she boarded the bus and decided to sit with another girl, whom she hardly hangs out with, only occasionally. She did not even show any concern as to who will I sit with or would I be okay to be sitting alone? Maybe she assumed that I would sit with this other girl, who sticks to me like super glue. At the end of the day, the reason did not matter to me and although I was puzzled for 10 minutes, I was able to let it go more quickly than I thought. If it was 10 years ago, I would have felt betrayed and disappointed with her actions but this time round, I took merely 10 minutes to try to find an excuse for her, that's it. I looked at the guys and they were all sitting by themselves. Although they had their own clique of friends, it did not matter who was talking to who, who was sitting with who and if they did things together like a band of brothers. That's right, girls should behave in the same way too. Next, I realise that I would have enjoyed the ride more if I was sitting by myself. I had more space, could sleep and not try to stay in conversation while I was freaking tired. If she had sat with me, I would have been thinking, "how do i tell her that i want to sit by myself instead?" Maybe others would judge me and say that I am a loner but honestly I do not care. I would rather sit by myself and enjoy that hour of solitude, listen to music, enjoy the scenery and take a power nap.

Enjoying your own solitude can be a double-edged sword though. You may end up closing up yourself, because you start to find certain conversations meaningless and would rather spend your time doing the things that you like to do. As you go out less, you find going out less meaningful. Sometimes when I am in a situation with someone whom I do not feel comfortable with or that I seem to not have any common topics to talk to the person about, I would rather keep quiet and not strike some idiotic conversation. If we happen to be talking or if he or she takes the initiative to talk to me, I would listen patiently and engage in an conversation. However, if I find myself or feel that the opposite party is trying too hard to keep the conversation going, I would then walk away politely when the conversation comes to an appropriate break. My rule of thumb is always, "Do not judge and give others a chance. Try to listen but if all else fails, then don't try too hard."

There is a classmate of mine who gives me this feeling that he doesn't really like me. He has never asked me a question in the last 3 weeks until this morning. So I never talk to him. If it was in the past, I would probably try to ask him some questions and engage him but these days, I just cannot be bothered. If someone gives me the feeling that he doesn't like me (for whatever reason I do not know and it does not matter since there are bound to be some people who like you and dislike you), then I would rather stay away from him or her. Why try so hard? However, it might still be too early to judge. Maybe he is just shy to talk to me or I appear too unapproachable.

All in all, what I am trying to say here is that I do not feel lonely when I am alone. In fact, I treasure these few hours of solitude that I have every now and then so that I can read books, earn some extra income with tuition (haha) or do research on my travel plans. However, I am not at the end of being 'anti-social' because I enjoy meeting new people and interacting with them.

Learning in a foreign environment

It has been almost 2 weeks since I left home. I started off the first week with a Mathematics for Economists class and thought if this is mostly what I was gonna learn while on this Master's course, then perhaps I have not signed up for the right one. I want to learn something more than what I have already did in my undergraduate studies. A lot of the material covered is a recapitulation of what I already know. Fortunately, in the 2nd half of the week, I attended Microeconomics classes and goodness, what I have to learn is so much theory and not at all related to what I have already learnt in my Bachelor's. This set me thinking. I had expected a course that was more mathematical-based but it seems like the module is set on a more theoretical course. The exam is writing based, nothing near the numerous calculations that we have to do in our Microeconomics examinations from level 1000 - 4000 in NUS.

I was expecting myself to have sufficient 'ME' time to do the things that I want, such as to work, to read Economics on my own, to continue my Skype tuition business, play a lot of sports e.g. tennis or badminton. However, it seems like things are not going to be what I expect. New challenges in life, I am happy. :)

Stepping out of my comfort zone

7 years ago, I embarked on my student exchange to Sweden and had one of the most memorable journeys in my life. A week ago, I decided to pursue my Master's overseas and lugged my bags with me to the UK once again. So much has changed in the last 7 years and I have once again met people from different backgrounds.

I had 35kg of my daily life with me this time round, pretty much the same as 7 years ago but I definitely brought with me more comfort. I went shopping after settling down in my new place and find myself going around buying a lot of things that I was so used to using them when in Singapore. Compared to 7 years ago, I live simply. I guess that's the difference when you have enjoyed material comfort and have the purchasing power to afford comfort. When I visit the supermarket, I will not scrimp and save but keep a lookout of things that I enjoy eating, seafood, salmon, what not. Back then, my fridge was filled with sausages, crabsticks and cheap processed food that were cheap by a student's standards but pathetic by my standards these days. LOL.

In addition, I have a young girl from Kazakhstan as my neighbour and she is like a reminder of my younger self. She told me this is the first time that she is living abroad on her own, in fact also the first time she left home. She is very homesick and she does not know her way around Europe. She can speak English but really basic conversational level and she finds it hard to communicate with others. Cultural differences meant that many of the other European students or more Americanised students from the Middle East, Eastern Europe and even South America have communication barriers with her. She does not know how to cook and I think she does not want to spend too much on her daily life so that she can use the excess for travelling. I was once in her shoes many years ago but I was definitely better off. At least I had Kim and Monica who came from the same country as me as company.

However, I guess she is in company that is more open compared to my times in Stockholm. Perhaps it is because of age, back then when I was in Stockholm, the majority of my neighbours were enrolled in the CEMS programme and honestly it was quite difficult to break into their social circle. They were much older than us and I feel that they had higher social status - be it wealth, family background, etc. compared to the friends that I have made thus far. Most of them are from Western Europe - Holland, France, Germany, Spain, etc. and they are very 'atas'. However this time round, we are all studying in the same Master's course, around the same age and also people come from more humble backgrounds or countries - Czech Rep, Brazil, Albania, Central Asia, Bulgaria, Belgium, etc. They look beyond skin colour and race and make friends with everyone. That to me, is definitely more important than anything else.

I myself was also quite shocked with my own experiences. I came here, expecting to be independent, cook my own meals and buy my own food but because we all came from different countries and had nothing with us, everyone was willing to chip in and share to buy some food. However, we have not started cooking together, perhaps because we weren't big enough a group, compared to the times when I was in Stockholm. Nevertheless, I look forward to the different parties that we can organise - Middle Eastern, Brazilian, Czech, Bulgarian, etc. as we spend time together for the next 1 year.

There are things that I like about my times in Stockholm and others that I felt was missing from my experiences but I think that my mindset is the most important in shaping my experiences. That is what I constantly share with this young and innocent neighbour of mine. She will have a good time in the next 1 year I believe and bring home with her memories that will stay on for a lifetime! :)

Would I have done things differently?

Lately, I met up with a group of ex-students and those updates about their lives really made me reflect deeply upon my role as an educator.

I had this one student in my class who unfortunately did not do so well in his first year of studies, despite it being his 2nd attempt. He is definitely a smart boy but just could not find the discipline and motivation to work hard. So upon getting his promotional examinations results, we talked about his future. I remember vividly that he told me his ambition was to become an architect since only a handful of the kids in my school actually had an ambition to talk about. However, I am always very skeptical when people tell me about their ambition. Your ambition is always an occupation that you conceptualise to be something that you would like to be in but that might not be what you will enjoy doing when you eventually be in that position. How many of us actually have hands-on experiences in the field that we hope to go into, until we actually sign up for it. Lol. I would never have imagined myself to fall in love with Economics, until I actually read it in the Polytechnic. Hence, before the age of 17, I would never have considered an Economist as an ambition.

Anyway, that student eventually switched to read Architecture in my alma mater and recently, he contacted me to inform me that he has graduated and has been offered a place at the university to further his training in Architecture. Honestly, I was very impressed and also happy for him that he eventually made it, though via a longer route. It was a very heartwarming session to hear him tell me about his life in the Polytechnic and his training in Architecture. That made me reflect and wonder how would things turn out if I had tried all means and ways to get him to stay on instead, 3 years ago?

In addition to him, I also caught up with 2 other students who used to be a big headache for me in class, always not doing their work, screwing up their tests and occasionally not turning up for lessons. One of them had this affinity with me, I would say, because I taught him before I left for NIE and also gave him some advices on changing his subject combination, to focus on subjects that he had an interest in and could excel in. Who knows when I eventually returned to the school, he was in my class and became my student! At a certain point in time, I got so frustrated with his lack of commitment in his academics that my patience with him ran really thin. I was the kind of educator who was firm in the classroom but friendly outside. However, I realise that I could no longer be friendly with him outside the classroom. Our relationship became very tense and authoritarian and that was the last thing that I had hope for. My vision of my relationships with all my students must be one that is socially equal. Fortunately, we ironed out the issues that I had with his attitude in class and towards the subject and he eventually did well for the subject!

Another boy was a famous sportsperson in the school and he is one smart boy who has strong survival skills. His interpersonal skills are also good but I never agree with his white lies or lies. As an educator, I am very particular about values education and integrity is always the number 1 value that I preach about. So I clamp down on him real hard about his lies and even had to speak to his parents about it. However, deep down in the bottom of my heart, I know that he will eventually survive when he steps into society and enter adulthood. Although he managed to earn a place in the university, he decided to take a gap year and pursue a career in financial planning since his comparative advantage has always been his persuasion skills and his looks.

All 3 of them had turned out very differently, but I am glad that they have all found their own foothold in life. I then start to think about, what exactly should education be about? There is a strong emphasis on academic results in our education system - teachers feel the pressure to deliver the quality grades, parents want their children to excel, and students compete to do well to get a place in the popular courses in university. I can proudly say that I place my students' interests as the priority - their emotional well-being and also the academic results because I believe that education is the way to change their lives and facilitate social mobility. So I ploughed really hard when I was teaching them, often staying beyond what my working hours prescribed just so everyone could get a little more attention and do well for their exams. Nevertheless, a part of me wanted to prove myself as an educator and the results speak for your ability, whether in others' eyes or based on my own expectations.

After seeing so many of my ex-students doing different things in their lives now that I start to question myself. Should I have judged my own contributions as an educator based on the academic results of my students? I guess lil sis is right. I met students who managed to make it in life even without stellar academic results hence I think I might have placed a little more emphasis on academic results. How about other students who are suffering from the consequences of doing so badly academically and are struggling in life now? I would then feel remorseful about not having helped them enough academically.

Life is always about finding the balance. These kids that I used to worry so much about, I guess I have been too hard on myself. They will find their foothold in life, somehow, someday, in a way that I least expect.