19, last before the new decade

19, last before the new decade.

It is to my biggest surprise and horror that I only wrote one post in 2018, which is my year-end reflections for 2017. I was writing but albeit on a different channel I guess. This year, I have decided to write my post much earlier because I will not have time to write it in the next few days.

As usual, my year started off on a terrible footing, with me having second thoughts about what I was accomplishing in my career 11 days into the new year. However, I kept telling myself that I needed the experience as well as the dollar to sustain my lifestyle and fund my adventures. I have lost count of the number of times I let myself go in the bathroom in the office as well as pour my grouses to my colleague and sister. With the departure of two colleagues in the team, I would say that my role took on a different dimension. I was more valued and I am glad I did not disappoint because I dealt with the demands and pressure of the job fittingly.

Milestones:
Stroke off Africa and "saving money" on my 2018 resolutions and unfortunately I was not getting anywhere with learning guitar and swimming. I tried contacting different swimming instructors to learn swimming but somehow it never took off. I shall try again in 2019 but I realise that I indeed have a fear for water. I just cannot imagine myself swimming. On top of Africa, I also went to Bhutan, Nepal, Bahrain and Oman on an impromptu basis and if there is one thing that I know I truly love in life, it is travelling. I had so many insights from my travels which I will have it all penned down today as part of my reflections.

The trip to Africa was indeed an eye-opener. I used to have this crazy idea of "going to Africa to make a difference" with a few of my ex-students. We felt that we have to make an impact in life somehow and this was something that was achievable. However, after this trip, I am having different insights, besides the fact that I have completely lost touch with those students of mine and they are probably now busy in the rat race. When I was in Africa, I realised that the people have their own way of living and being rich is not the only definition of happiness. I do not know if it is a fortunate or unfortunate thing that money is one of the many elements that actually brings about happiness to me. Perhaps it is due to my upbringing whereby I grew up seeing my parents struggling to make ends meet, hence I fear poverty; I fear not being able to buy what I need and want in life. Having my branded bags and a decent lifestyle is important and brings me satisfaction and happiness. I know I am being materialistic / realistic or whatever you would like to define it but if you are someone who truly does not feel that you need money, take a step back and think if you are being superficial. A part of what contributes to my personality is also the country that we live in. Having travelled so much all these years, I come to realise one thing. Many countries might be poor but they are self-sufficient - huge plots of land and abundance of food hence they do not need money if they can fill their stomachs. In contrast, we need money for everything - food, water and rent - basic necessities. Hence, what we amass is money so that we can afford to buy what we want. Nevertheless, I am not obsessed with money such that I need to become a millionaire, fly first class and stay in Anantara resorts worldwide. I just need enough money to live without worries, travel whenever I have time and that makes me happy. Going back to Africa, I feel that people from developed countries might be trying to do too much to "help" poor countries. They have their way of life and have not evolved from a more primitive lifestyle but SO WHAT? Not everyone has to travel to 30 countries in their lifetime, be a doctor / lawyer / banker and own an apartment or a car to be HAPPY. Instead, sometimes I feel that with tourism and us flaunting our wealth with tips, flashy clothes and branded bags, it creates envy and consequently create a global trend for happiness to be equated to being a Hollywood star. Let Nature takes its course and do not see people in Africa as being poor. Yes, they might not have fancy clothes like us, big houses or fancy cars but that does not mean that they are unhappy. Let's not try to excessively converge the world into a global world of greed. I am materialistic because I was brought up in such an environment but I do not hope that people all around the world would someday all have the same thinking / aspirations as me. Everyone is different and is entitled to a different lifestyle. That was my biggest takeaway from the trip to Africa.

Next, I then went to Bhutan and Nepal and it was an entirely new level of experience. Bhutan, known as the country that pursues a Gross National Happiness index rather than a GDP. I know that it is a Buddhist country and hence I had perceptions of it being conservative and what not. However, travelling is to correct the misconceptions that you have of a certain country. No doubt it is a Buddhist country but the Bhutanese people are one of the most liberal groups of people. They are very well exposed to the world, and not closed at all. The decision to travel solo is always a difficult one to make but I am glad I did, otherwise my guides would have been more cordial with me and not show and tell me the real Bhutan lying beneath the Buddhist and peace loving front, if I had travelled with my sister or mother. I learnt three important concepts in Buddhist teachings while I am there - attachment, anger and ignorance. This is what makes my commit mistakes and act rashly.

Then it was Nepal. The country is beautiful but unfortunately, I really struggled with the air quality and traffic while in Kathmandu. I find it such a pity that despite having such amazing Nature, the people had to suffer in such a manner. Compared to Bhutan, Nepal is way poorer and when I think about the reasons contributing to it, no food security in Nepal unlike Bhutan. Hence, people have to go after the penny to make ends meet. After the earthquake, despite help pouring in, conditions have not improved at all. However, I would not say that they seem like an unhappy lot. People are generally friendly and helpful still. While in Nepal, a friend brought me to Pashupati and what she shared with me really inspired me a lot. She said that the day we die, we are all going to be gone with the wind in the same way whether we were a rich man or a poor one. Our bodies will be burnt and ashes flowing down the river into the sea. To me, we all have the same destination in life, the only difference would be the journey. Everyone would interpret this differently as well.

Some people will be thinking:
"Since we are all going to be dead eventually, why bother being a "nice" person and get taken advantage of? I shall do whatever that I can to live the best life possible and enjoy life as much as I can"

For me, I look at this as a way to live my life as fulfillingly as possible, doing the things that I enjoy the most in life. Be less calculative, be more generous, be more forgiving and giving since you cannot bring whatever that you own in this life into the next life. No doubt one of my 2018 resolutions was to save money but then again, sometimes I ask myself, "I have no children and if I were to die today, I have no responsibilities. Why do I have to save so hard?" I should just live life the way I want it. I worked so hard to become a banker and finally can afford a luxurious lifestyle, why still bother saving money? I then realise that I have nothing to live for in life to be honest. What desires do I have that are deemed critical to my existence? Nothing! I am going through motion in life but I have no ultimate aim. I have no desire to become a millionaire (I cannot bring the money with me anyway), neither do I have the desire to become a CEO or whatever. I need to work because I need to be engaged and constantly be facing challenges and solving problems. I need to travel because I enjoy meeting people from different cultures and being in Nature, only to come to realisation of how miniscule I am in this world. I need to be able to continue playing sports - badminton / tennis, etc. because I truly love the game - the battle, the placing of a shot, working together with another person to achieving a common goal. I need to spend time with my family / friends because I value the conversations that I had with them; they bring me happiness. Also, while in Bhutan / Nepal, it struck upon me that people struggle to earn a buck or two while I live lavishly and spend tons of money on shoes/ clothes/ etc. However, it is not about feeling guilty about spending the money. Rather, it made me realise how fortunate I am that I have the ability to be able to earn more than others and hence afford my habits. It was also a reminder to myself that the next time I want to splurge on the next big thing, think of how many mouths I could potentially feed with it. Nevertheless, I do not think that I am Saint enough to then stop spending. It is one thing to be thankful / grateful but it is another to become a miser and mistreat myself. Some might disagree but this is how I look at it.

Moving forward, my 2019 resolutions and I hope this time round, I will accomplish more.
1. Learn to play the guitar
2. Learn to swim
3. Be more patient

I have no more desires for visiting xx country I realise because I have been to most places that I want to visit and these days, every additional country that I visit is counted as a blessing.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it

The only one thing which I have always been struggling with is when will I then finally return to Singapore? Truth to be told, I do not want to return even though I really miss my family. I love living in Dubai, having my own comfort space, having a job to keep me occupied, playing badminton and travelling. To me, this is the life that I sought after. There is so much convenience and security here and at least, I have not found something that tells me I should leave immediately. However, I know that this is a temporary arrangement and the older I get, the more I will need my family and friends. I hate to be back in a small compressed city to face peer pressure, competition and what not. We will see what awaits me in 2019. Happy New Year and I will try to blog more in 2019!

(20)18 all over again

Time of the year when my blog knocks and I have to be back to write my final post for the year. Yesterday, everyone started posting photos of themselves when they were 18 and I did not understand the significance of it but at this very moment, I finally did! What was I doing when I was an 18 year old? My blog had not existed at that time and given my goldfish memory, I can barely remember what happened that year.

2017 started off a little rocky but the terrain got better as the year progressed. This was a complete opposite to my 2016. I vividly remembered how I felt at this time of the year, trying so hard to figure out my next step and had to constantly encourage myself to persevere to get to my next destination. I mentioned that I should count my blessings if I managed to get a full-time job in the shortest time possible and thankfully, I achieved what I want faster than expected.

Milestones:

Indeed, I did get a full-time job in finance. I barged my way into one of the hardest industries in the world, IB. It is all glam and glamour to the outsider because of the salary it commands. To me, having this job helped me get back to the level of financial security that I desire and which keeps me from worrying. I can then start to focus on achieving other things in life. Somehow, my prayers were answered. I read something on this very last day that says, "幸福都是奋斗出来的”, which means that happiness is something that you have to fight for. I do not disagree with that but I think we should also be thankful when our effort can translate into happiness. There are so many people out there who work so hard to fight for what they want but failed to accomplish what they set out to achieve. I need not brag or remind others about how hard I had worked before I landed this job, no one really cares about the blood, tears and sweat behind the scenes; everyone focuses on the outcome but I am grateful that I got what I wished for through my hard work and never-say-die attitude, coupled with the support and prayers from my family. Transiting from 2016 to 2017 has indeed brought out my resilience and made myself know that I still can give physically and mentally a lot more than I think I do. Perhaps without going through the last few months of 2016, I would not have been able to bite the bullet and pull myself through 2017.

I am a forward-looking person, always thinking a step ahead and consequently, I forget to live in the moment. Being in this job has definitely taught me this one important tip to life. My job does not give me the ability to plan my schedule ahead because there are always last minute disruptions and plans have to change. As such, whenever I have free time, I do not procrastinate and embark on the activities that I want to do and appreciate whatever pockets of free time that I could use to travel, explore and engage in the activities that I enjoyed doing. Having lost control of my own time and trading off my freedom for the pound made me felt lost in the beginning but humans are highly flexible and adaptable and with the passage of time, I worked my way around my limited control over my free time.

Besides that, I spent 2017 by myself a lot. I remembered how uncomfortable I was this time of last year when I had to be at a gathering which I felt so out of place and when I finally got to the gym on the first day of the new year, I felt freed. My takeaway from this year was that, you could be with a throng of people yet felt lonely within yet your heart could be so filled when you are sitting alone blogging. Life has such contrasts at times. Nevertheless, I do feel lonely more in 2017 than in the first 1.5 years after I left home to pursue my dreams in 2015. I find myself missing my family a lot more, because I am someone who needs interaction constantly, having others share their life experiences with me and vice versa. That said, I do not like spending time with people who do not matter. However, if you pass judgment too quickly and deem the other party as someone whom you are not interested in spending time with or engaging in conversations without really understanding the person's background and what the person has to say, you will lose a potential friend. Fortunately or unfortunately, my life has taken that turn and I often have to make such decisions owing to the time constraint that I have. The downside of my job is that it makes me more pragmatic more than ever and value my time like a diamond, limited and priceless.

You gain some and you lose some. I went back to playing badminton regularly after moving here and that has become the biggest part of my social life. My passion for the game is burning and I constantly want to improve my game play and criticism is often the motivating factor for me to find a breakthrough in my game.

For all that I have achieved, there are areas where I still need to work on. I did not strike #1 off my 2017 new year resolutions. Making the first move to buy a guitar was right but that desire to learn to play the guitar was only sustained for 4 weeks before I got engulfed by work completely, travelled back home then to London and left the guitar to collect dust in a corner of my home. That shall be my 2018's resolution again.

Moving forward to 2018, my life is back on track on the rat race and I have had to once again prepare myself for the mountain of work that I have to face when the new quarter starts.

2018 resolutions:
1. Learn to play the guitar
2. Visit Africa and go on a safari
3. Learn swimming (I wrote this down but I know that I am unlikely to accomplish it. I have always had a fear for water and I do not know how I could overcome this).
4. Save money!
5. Volunteer!
6. Be giving, appreciative and judge less

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give ~ Winston Churchill

In 2017, I live by what I earned but I realise that the things that make my heart fill so full is always the love, care and concern that I give to the people around me, be it my siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews or my parents.

JC once said that Mandarin pop is better than Western music. For me, it is not the melody rather than the lyrics. If you understand mandarin, you will understand how well the language can paint a picture. While others say a picture paint a thousand words, mandarin can express a picture in a few words. This year, I had written quite a few posts about Mayday's songs and the lyrics that deeply touch my heart. I shall write down all those lyrics that made my heart skipped a beat this year:

努力不会徒劳，伟大并非凑巧
努力不会徒劳，爱并非凑巧

终究会有一天，我们都变成昨天
是你陪我走过一生一回匆匆的岁月

夜空中最亮的星能否听清
那仰望的人心底的孤独和叹息

从前哭着哭着就笑啦
现在笑着笑着却哭啦
快乐变得那么复杂
原来这就叫长大
没被看不起当笑话
怎么配叫做梦想

如果你能预知这条路的陷阱
我想你依然错得很过瘾
每当我迟疑 总不肯忘记
活在我心深处那顽固的自己

某一天某一刻某次呼吸
我们终将再分离

展开披风带你飞行

Still a lot more, I just cannot finish all of them. In 45 minutes, I will welcome the new year. Thank you for all the memories, 2017.

Adjustments

There is always so much ongoing in my head but when it comes to having to pen them down, there is so much inertia. It is not that I do not enjoy writing or whatsoever, rather I just feel tired after work and I would rather hit the sack.

After coming back from training in London, life is back to chaos and weekend work. I found a new mechanism to cope with the stress and long hours of work and so far it is working well - having something to look forward to. I really enjoy my weekly badminton sessions, thrice a week gym sessions and my trips back home. For now, I am counting down to November when I get to go back for a weekend to attend Efu’s and Amanda’s birthdays. 1 more month to go so in the short run, I count down to my weekly Badminton sessions. Some of the people at the club are really good and I really enjoy playing with them and learning from them. This method has worked well so far, I feel less upset about having to work those hours and it makes me happy when I get to play Badminton to unwind and also go to the gym!

I do not know how long this method will keep me sane and make my life less miserable but hopefully it lasts for the next 4 months until at least CNY! It will be March then and at least I have my bonus to look forward to. :)

What on earth is happiness?

This space has been empty for quite some time. A lot of thoughts flow through my mind every single day but I am just too lazy to pen them down. I have a brand new life now, accomplished what I had set out in one of my new year resolutions but here I am, sitting and pondering about my next step in life AGAIN. I think I simply think too much at times. Overthinking makes one unhappy. When I look at the people around me, I have a million dollar question for them - Are you happy with your life? I think it will jolt some people out of their comfort zone and set them thinking about what truly makes them happy but at the same time, I am bound to hear amazing stories of how people are so satisfied about their life.What then determines if you are truly happy? For me, when I wake up in the morning and look into myself in the mirror, I ask myself that question. I am not unhappy, but I am not happy either. One would then question, but you have gotten what you wanted, so why are you still not satisfied?

I love writing, because as I pen down my thoughts, I reflect on what I had written previously and it makes me realise that I have been blessed with a lot more than what the average person out there has. I am not in the top 1% percentile for sure but I think one needs to draw a line and toe it. I can never be like kids from wealthy family and live without worries for $$ or old age but at the same time, I do not have the worries about shouldering the burden of a family. No doubt I find my daily life mundane at times, and when I think about that, I feel fear. Having gone through 3 decades of time on earth, I have grown accustomed to the many ups and downs in life, sometimes even immune to the sufferings that I see, not knowing how I can change life and leave a mark on earth anymore. I just want to dissipate into thin air the day my time on earth ends. This is when I look at my parents who have spent twice the time I do on earth and feel only suffering and misery and nothing else. They have nothing to look forward to in life yet they have go through the daily grit of life, repeating the same routine over and over again. I bet some days, they wish they could finally leave Earth to be with God.

There is a saying in Chinese that kind people are blessed to live a shorter time on Earth and leave to be with God. I did not appreciate this saying 10 years back but these days, as signs of old age batter on me, I start to wonder when will the time come for me to finally be with God? Someone once told me that we fight to survive and if some day we are in a life and death situation, our instinct is to fight to stay alive. I am not so sure if I still have that animal instinct in me. I will miss the people who have shown me so much love and care and am fully aware that my departure will inflict pain and misery on them. It will be selfish of me to not want to fight to keep my breath but some days, I just think that I would love to be back with Nature sooner and finally let go of the struggles of existence.

We all need friends

2.5 months has passed since I set sailed. I cannot recall the number of times that I think about New York during my time here. Although I had my fair share of frustrations in NY, such as having to figure out my next step in life, wanting more ME time and not having to entertain too much, I loved my time in NY. I had friends to go for lunches with, out for a movie, dinner, etc. Here, I do everything alone and I for once, understood the meaning of loneliness. I have always felt that I could live alone and be all by myself but during my time here, I realised that although I could, I do not enjoy it as much. I am used to having my siblings talking crap with me before we go to bed, tell lame jokes, etc. From time to time, I need my own personal space to ponder over things but more often than not, I need to talk to people! Travelling alone has helped to build up resilience but when I am travelling, I am constantly exploring new places, meeting new people, etc. but who do I meet here? I guess being alone really helps you to discover your inner self.

还好没有如果，让我们相遇了

Another song that touches my heart deeply is the one below. Have you ever wondered how different your life would have been if you have not met a certain someone in your life? Sometimes I wish I could have met the "right" person in life that would make me want to put down everything that I am chasing after right now. Every other day that I am here, I ask myself the meaning of what I am doing now, and I guess I am just like every walking soul out there who is in a constant search for the meaning of life and the things that we do. When you are immersed in a sea of souls and people rushing everyday to figure out how to make more money and make themselves happier, you ask yourself, "how about yourself?"

Indeed, someone once made me felt no fear of dying because I met him in my life. He changed my perspectives, my world view, etc. that's why I like a particular phrase of this set of lyrics below - "身旁有了你 匆匆轮回又有何惧"

The line that touches me the most is this, "某一天某一刻某次呼吸 我们终将在分离
而我的自传里曾经有你 没有遗憾的诗句"

Some day, a moment, in a breath, we are gonna part (life and death) but you once appeared in my life and I had no regrets.

诗句里充满感激
如果我们不曾相遇，我会是在哪里
如果我们从不曾相识，不存在这首歌曲

每秒都活着，每秒都死去
每秒都问着自己，谁不曾找寻，谁不曾怀疑，茫茫人海奔向何地

那一天那一刻那个场景
你出现在我生命 从此后从人生从新定义 从我故事里苏醒

如果我们不曾相遇 你又会在哪里
如果我们从不曾相识 人间又如何运行

晒伤的脱皮 意外的雪景
与你相依的四季 苍狗又白云 身旁有了你 匆匆轮回又有何惧

那一天 那一刻 那个场景 你出现在我生命
每一分每一秒 每个表情 故事都充满惊奇

偶然与巧合 舞动了蝶翼 谁的心头风起
前仆而后继 万千人追寻 荒漠唯一菩提
是擦身相遇 或擦肩而去 命运犹如险棋
无数时间线 无尽可能性 终于交织向你

那一天那一刻那个场景 你出现在我生命
未知的未来的 未定几率 然而此刻拥有你

某一天某一刻某次呼吸 我们终将在分离
而我的自传里曾经有你 没有遗憾的诗句
诗句里充满感激

如果我们不曾相遇 我会是在哪里
如果我们从不曾相识 不存在这首歌曲

A third of a year has gone past

I do not know how much of an influence my first career has on me but it seems like I am someone who enjoys reviewing my life and evaluating myself against the goals that I have set for myself at the beginning of each year. Indeed, a third of the year has gone past and it seems only yesterday when I was living in NYC and working in the UN. Yet, 2 months in this job felt like 2 years and I cannot exactly comment on whether time has whizzed past me or has seemed like forever, hitherto.

First, the assessment. I got a job in finance and bought the 2nd guitar of my life. 15 years ago, I tried so hard to persuade my mom to let me withdraw some money from my savings account to buy a guitar and take up guitar lessons. I attended a few lessons and eventually the guitar faded into the background and is lying somewhere in the storeroom. When I look back at those times, I feel like a loser. I had given up halfway a million times in my pursuits, be it learning swimming (Pri 3), guitar (Sec 3), or French (2005). However, through all these failures, I discover about myself - I need an end goal to motivate myself. Nevertheless, as I age, I become more persistent and there are a couple of things which I have experienced success in - completing my CFA (3 consecutive years), picking up tennis, learning Spanish (though still intermediate speaker). This year, I set out to pick up the guitar once again and maybe if things work out here in Dubai, I will try to learn swimming. Given the long and hectic work hours, I only can spare 30-40 minutes a day to learn the guitar. It will take me a long time to learn it but I will persevere this time round unlike 15 years ago. Hopefully at the end of year when I evaluate myself against my 2017 resolutions, I would be able to play a song.

Losing control of your life and not seeing what lies ahead of you creates fear in a way or another and for me, only the next 4 months is in sight now.
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不会结束的起点

Today, I would like to write a post that pays tribute to my all-time favourite band - Mayday. In particular, A-shin is such a talented composer, always writing lyrics that can ring a chord in anyone, I believe.

Unknowingly, I have been listening to their music for 18 years. The mention of that number simply scares me. Their music has been through so much ups and downs with me, stirring up emotions in me, be it happy or sad ones. I am glad I was born in their era and I had their music as a form of motivation. When my aunts used to tell me about their idols when they were teenage girls like me, I never truly understood how they felt. However, now I know how it feels to have an idol and to have their music accompany you for such a long time. You are so familiar with every chord and the lyrics (though I have a terrible memory when it comes to remembering lyrics) and it is as though you can start dancing to any tunes any time. 

从最早的温柔和咸鱼到人生海海到中间的超人，倔强和如今的我不愿让你一个人和顽固等等，没有了你们的音乐，我还能怎样顽固下去？

 

I was not such a huge fan at the beginning because I was too young to appreciate some of the deeper meaning behind their songs. Besides, they were not such a huge phenomenon in Singapore at that time so I merely listened to a few songs. However, this song 咸鱼 made me listened to their music a lot more and 倔强 consolidated my love for their music. The concerts made it even better and in the blink of an eye, 18 years have passed.

Half a year ago, I was constantly listening to this song - 顽固 because I was working on my thesis and thinking about my next step in life upon graduation. Every single line of the lyrics speak of my experiences in life, how I continue to persevere to live a life that is extraordinary. Along the way, I have given up a lot of things but I have never wanted to turn back time and lead a different life. How many people have along this journey succumb to societal pressure, commitments to raise a family, etc.? I chose to not take up any of these responsibilities and in a way, keep my soul absolutely free. Many people told me that if I do not enter into marriage, I would not have lived a complete life. Perhaps it is true, who would not want a companion that will walk through life with you till the end of the time, however I do not want to enter into a marriage for the sake of having to experience something. During my first week in NY when my emotions were like a roller coaster ride, this song has given me so much motivation and comfort. 

我身在当时你幻想的未来里 

那个狂热和冲动早已冷却的如今 

你顽固的神情消失在镜子里

只留下时光消逝的痕迹

To me, I have always been stubborn in my pursuits and after living for half a lifetime, I think I have become less stubborn and more open together with the wrinkles on my face! 

每颗心的相信每个人的际遇

每个故事的自己反复地问着自己

这些年让步的 你是否会叹息

有什么事你永远不放弃

I have my own beliefs and values system and these are all shaped by my experiences. I want to be a global citizen and for that I gave up teaching, gave up the $$ and finally I landed in NY and the very first day that I stood at the UN grounds, I felt like I was on top of the world that my dream has somehow come true. I then realise that the organisation and world is not what I had imagined it to be after all. In my life thus far, I have asked myself repeatedly how my life would have been different if I had made certain decisions differently along the way. That said, I never want to turn back time and change my life. I compromised on certain things, sacrificed some and although I do sigh over bad decisions, I still hold on to the things that I strongly believe in, especially when it comes to love and work. I ask myself, what is it that I will never give up in life? I cannot recall the number of times that I asked myself if coming to the UN had been the wrong decision. 

一次一次你吞下了泪滴

一次一次拼回破碎自己

一天一天你是否还相信

活在你心深处那顽固的自己

When I am down, especially during my time in NY, I swallowed my tears and got myself to plough and stand back up again. I may have lost faith and belief in myself but I told myself that I will never give up before putting up a good fight. I am sure I will be able to find my next step in life as long as I persevere. 

你追逐你呼吸你嚣张的任性

鼻青脸肿地哭过若无其事地忘记

如果你能预知这条路的陷阱

我想你依然错得很过瘾

In life, we fail because we are too prideful and self-conceited at times. When that happens, we all cry ourselves to sleep but not soon after, we forget about it. If we had known what we were signing up ourselves for, would we still have made that same decision? For me, I hate failures but I will never shun away from them and wish for turning back time and make sure I choose the “right” decision in life. If I were to be given a chance to choose again, I think I would still have chosen teaching as a first career. It has made my life much tougher now to switch to the corporate world but I believe the job has offered me much as well. And if I were to be given a choice to stay in teaching, I think I would still leave the profession. I might have been wrong to leave but I am enjoying my mistakes because they make me a better person. I would still have gone to the UN even if it meant seeing the realities of life.  

走过的叫足迹走不到叫憧憬

学会收拾起叛逆学会隐藏了表情

卸下了这面具 我想说谢谢你

谢谢你一路陪我到这里

Wherever we have been, we left footprints. Wherever we have not been, we look forward to being there some day. As you age, enter into the workforce, you learn to be less confrontational and you learn to hide your true self, your emotions. I am never who I am in front of others. Only a selected few truly know who I am. I hid myself because I do not think that everyone will know how to appreciate who you are as a person or even care about who you are as a person. In the workforce, all that people want to see is whether you can produce the results and bring in the $$. For all those who truly know who I am and appreciate me for being me, thank you. Thank you for journeying with me, I may not say it all the time but these people know who they are and they will always be people whom I hold on dearly to. Besides my family, this person comes to my mind instantly. He may not know he is the privilege few but indeed he is. 

你当时相信的那些事情

会在如今变成美丽风景

每当我迟疑总从不曾忘记

活在我心深处的那顽固的自己

Whenever I question myself and my decisions and feel like I might crumble or fail, there is an inner voice that constantly reminds me how tough I have been so far and that empowers me to achieve all that I have now. Life is beautiful. 

During my time in NY, music was indeed my best companion. On the subway, in the gym, before bed and JJ Lin’s songs were constantly replaying in my head. One day, I decided to listen to every song of Mayday’s new album and that was when this song 终于结束的起点 became one of my other favourites. 

I think it speaks of a certain beautiful memory of a someone and we all have in some point in our life met this someone:

还记不记得我和你最初的相信

还记不记得孩子般简单的爱情

我们仿佛天生在一起 用不完的默契和话题

带上了耳机沉入曾经的回忆

幸福的回忆是追求幸福的天敌

寂寞的问候是加深寂寞的陷阱

当时无限珍藏的回忆变成无处躲藏的雨季

让最小事情都变成最痛叹息

每一段伤痛的爱情 都困住两颗想挣脱伤痛的心

如果说可惜就在下一站更珍惜

也许一个勇敢的决定 能换两个重生的约定

我们到了站 这一站叫终于

终于结束的起点 终于卸下句点

终于我们告别 终于我们又回到原点

流干了眼泪日日夜夜

未来的我们也许能说声好久不见 

爱情并不是对与错简单是非题

相爱的两人不一定能相守相依

因为相爱所以在一起 因为深爱所以又分离

约在下一站 车票是你我勇气

每一段遗憾的曾经 当时名字都叫憧憬我们的心

不能忘怀的 至少释怀吧在风里

那些无法看破的叹息 某天会是看淡的风景

虽然那风景永远有谁缺席

站在这起点 其实没有走远 

其实不愿告别 其实我心中依然想念

拥抱这一刻岁岁年年

就要在今天头也不回地告别从前 奔向明天

不回头不眷恋的明天

I have shared some really beautiful memories with someone in my life. We did not have too much interaction at the start but after we did, we hit off so well. We could talk about anything under the sun and when I listened to this song and its lyrics, memories simply flooded back. Those wonderful memories might become a hurdle in what I look out for in the future for a soul mate and surprisingly, this very someone somehow always seem to know when I am missing him. Not once but several times when I thought about how he was doing, he sent me a text. I think I am a prideful person and I do not have the habit to pick up my phone to send him a message to check in on his life. Sometimes it slips my mind and sometimes I just did not want to seem like I was dependent on him and want to know how he is doing. Yet he never failed to send a greeting when I thought about him. 

I do not think I will forget about the common memories that we shared, given how short term my memory can be and how fast I move on in life. However, our paths were never meant to cross in the first place so eventually we came to a point where our paths had to diverge again. It was a beginning that would eventually end and as we drifted back to our own destined ways, we hope some day we can meet somewhere in this world again. 

I especially like how A-shin has expressed what love truly is. It does not mean that we can be with the someone whom we think we truly love at the end of the day. The person who will walk through life with you till the end of time is the most suitable person at that point in your life, not everyone gets to be with their perfect match. When you truly love a person yet meet him or her at the wrong time, you get together because of love. You split up because you love each other too much and cannot bear to see the relationship turn sour. You know that when you try too hard to hold on to something that was not meant to be, it is pointless because someday you will look back and realise how silly you had been. It is just the way our world is. People move on too quickly and time heals all wounds. Yet if it is a wound, the scar will always be there,  永远有谁缺席. The scar is a constant reminder of that person whom you have dearly missed in your life.

For me, I think from time to time I will reminisce about these lovely memories of that person and our time together. I am a sentimental person and though I have physically and mentally moved on, I have not gone that far emotionally. It is just that there are still plenty of experiences waiting for me ahead and I told myself that I have to move on. 

To be continued….