What our world is like these days?

It has been a while and I havent been writing even though so many thoughts race through my mind each and everyday. 

The world that we are leaving in these days is not so normal. Just when we thought C endgame is finally here, markets are finally calmed and life can resume normal, we suddenly have real invasion. Whatever that I write only represents personal thoughts and not my stand on what is right or wrong because there is simply no right and wrong in these things. 

I went to read up on the two atomic bombs that were dropped in Japan in 1945, how the Manhattan project came to birth, the people involved in it, etc. and then compared it to the circumstances today. The pilot who dropped the first bomb said he never regretted what he did. Dropping the bombs was the most efficient way to end the war and reduce casaulties, given Germany had already surrendered but Japan was still holding its fort and everyday countless American, Allied and Japanese soldiers were losing their lives. That said, it is indeed a moral dilemma. How about the people in Hiroshima and Nagasaki? Weren't they innocent as well or were they accomplices in the brutal Japanese invasion just because they kept their heads low, kept their mouths shut and did not oppose to the war? Does killing 200,000 lives to prevent a loss of 500,000 lives then justifies the use of a weapon of mass destruction? Do the 200,000 lives not have the right to choose and why are they the chosen ones to be sacrificed? We killed innocent lives in 1945, why are we letting history repeat itself? 

Back when I was at the UN, I vividly remember the gun statue - the only way for there to be peace in this world is when everyone decides to drop their guns, destroys all MWD. Unfortunately, there is always the excuse that you have xx so I do need one as well to "defend" myself. I guess no matter how we evolve as human beings, we are still animals and there will always be a minority with predator instincts (the fighters) whilst the vast majority continue to be preys (the fleers). It is the circle of life, whether we are in the 19th or the 21st century.  

2021, the year to take a leap of faith!  

Last post of the year once again, how is it that 365 days flown by silently? 

Everyone was expecting 2021 to be better than 2020 and we were all taken by surprise. Things got out of control especially towards the second half of the year and given 18 months of C, everyone was feeling the fatigue and could not care more about restrictions, distancing etc. anymore. I shall start off with my 2021 resolutions and look back on what I have achieved in the last 365 days. 

2021 Resolutions

1. Learn swimming - I will try in 2022 again! LOL

2. Return to tennis  Returned to Singapore in Apr while on gardening and am glad I went back to Tennis! My skills and stamina have both deteriorated and I cannot run as much as I used to, but at least I picked up my racquet once again! 

3. Be happy - be less serious, joke more and relive a little bit of my 18th year old year Things always happen in the way that you least expect. I spent much of 2020 alone in isolation and come 2021, I changed an environment and returned to the office. I told myself that I shall be less serious and indeed in the office, I often cracked jokes with my new colleagues to liven up the atmosphere and found the jovial me once again. 

Besides the ones that I listed above, halfway through 2021, I reflected on my 2020 posts and asked myself - why have I become so risk averse? Hence, I told myself that I have to pluck up my courage and make bold decisions once again and be less risk averse. Although I never returned to the badminton court back in London, I took other more risky decisions and I am glad I did all of those and found back the courageous me. There were things in 2020 that I achieved but reverted to old ways once again - my lifestyle, my snacking habit, and what not. I ate more fruits in 2021 definitely but my bedtime became later in the second half of the year, from 1am to 2-3am and I know that I should do something about that. My skin condition improved a lot from 2019 to 2020 and onward to 2021 and I am so thankful for this improvement. For 2-3 years from 2016 to 2019, I have been constantly troubled by outbreaks and it does in a way affect me from time to time. 

2020 Resolutions

1. Master one song on the guitar - preferably Mayday's song  拥抱，知足

2. Visit Russia Highly unlikely even for the next 1 year

3. Go on a family trip with my nieces (C, A) though this is probably beyond my control Highly unlikely even for the next 1 year

4. Live a healthier lifestyle - sleep earlier, more fruits (twice per week?) / vegetables, less chocolates and sweets, cutting away my snacking behaviour of eating chocolates everyday HAHAHA! I thought I did well during the first lockdown, not eating chocolates for 3 weeks in a row but it did not last long before I went back to my old ways. However, I did eat more fruits - blueberries/ apples weekly

5. Figure out my next step for this new decade - where next? what next? I guess my next step is still my current step but have a bit more direction

6. Look beyond others' judgment and live life / deal with work such that I am not subjected to anyone's whims and fancies

7. I hope my skin condition (face) improves - have been plagued by this acne problem ever since I left Singapore and sometimes I do not even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore :( Improved a lot during the first lockdown but back to the same old issue again in the last few months. I think it is mainly caused by stress and my snacking habit. When I was extremely occupied with work during Aug and Oct, that was when outbreaks became more common

What would I be looking to achieve in 2022: 

1. Be brave / risk-taking

2. Buy my own loft and figure out my next step 

3. Be back on the road travelling (hopefully)

4. Continue to be jovial / less serious

5. Learn swimming? 

6. Improve my lifestyle a bit - sleep earlier, snack less and exercise more! 

I guess I am that kind of person - If I do not set a target for myself, I will never try to change it. It is not that I open up my blog and read my new year resolutions every other week or month but that sub-consciously, when I write something down, I will be more inclined to work towards that target. 

This has been a year of change for me - taking the step out to take a flight home (FINALLY) after 1.5 years away from home, going through that anxiety and fear and having to overcome it, staying 21 days in a hotel alone, going through multiple swab tests and scares, etc. I changed a new environment - no doubt I miss some of the people in my old firm but change is inevitable, and I am now at a point of no return. I feel sadness sometimes because I felt like I lost a good working relationship, nevertheless, it might be one-sided thinking on my part, and for someone like me who tends to fear being on the heavier side of any relationship, I have to cut off the connection / stop myself from reminiscing about the past. I have a fear for commitment and given I have reached a certain milestone in life, it is time for me to commit into a house I guess. I need my own personal space if I were to eventually move back home. 

My story for this year's closing post is on how people stop having fun when they grow old. We used to enjoy all festives / special occasions e.g. CNY, Xmas, etc. because we have get-togethers with family and friends, do gift exchanges, spend time together, etc. As I age, I become a "no present" person not because I do not enjoy receiving gifts or gifting but that I think I am someone whom most people will struggle to buy gifts for. One, I am a rather practical person and do not want people to buy me gifts that I have no use for and end up having to think of how to dispose them - waste of money and their time and also I want to be environmental-friendly. As I age, I realised how gifting creates so much thrash and waste. Second, I can afford almost anything that I want which is why people often struggle to buy me something and I really have almost everything that I need to survive in life. It was also C that made me realised how little we need in life at times. For 18 months, I barely bought anything except food and some clothes and household necessities. As a result, I no longer do gift exchanges with most people and sometimes I wonder if not engaging in these activities makes one feel that they are losing out the fun because people love surprises and gifts. Instead, given that I spend most of my time away from home, I cherish the time spent with people, sitting together and talking about our lives, sharing our stories, etc. although not everyone enjoys that. 

I once told a dear friend that I try to keep in contact with people whom I cherish in life by writing to them, sending them postcards from time to time because I am the kind of person who struggles to strike a deep conversation with people whom I no longer talk to for a long time, no matter how close we used to be. Hence, while I make friends easily and have friends all over the world, I lost touch with most of them eventually. In the 5 years to 2020, I met a friend that related really well with me and for the first 3 years, I made an effort to keep in contact constantly but still, I lost to the fate of not being able to keep the friendship warm and distant away eventually. On one of the postcards that I sent, I wrote exactly that - that if I were to not talk to someone frequently, I will eventually struggle to keep in contact. Sometimes, I think I can really predict a part of my future and the saddest thing is even if you could foresee what will happen, you still cannot prevent yourself going down that route.

I do miss some of these friends whom I used to hang around with so much yet we are nothing but strangers now. Do I regret spending all those times with them even though I know that we will eventually become strangers? Honestly, I do not because they brought me happiness which is why I chose to spend time with them. However, I find myself less willing to actually make friends these days because I know that we will eventually become strangers too. This is why that saying came to mind as I wrote this post - we stopped not having fun not because we grew old but because we stopped having fun, that is why we grow old. 

2022, I hope it will be a good year for everyone and honestly, I truly hope that the people around me can feel happy again if I could make one wish! 

Happy Birthday to Myself!

A year has flown past and it is time to celebrate my hatch day again! This was probably the quietest birthday that I had ever had. Since young, I do not have the habit of really celebrating my birthday given it is typically school holidays. I also tend to fall sick during my birthday as far as I can recall as a kid. 

As I enter into my teenage years, I started to celebrate in the company of my buddies and I remember I also celebrated my 21st as a milestone of me stepping into adulthood officially. On that day, I made the promise to myself that from then on, I shall no longer celebrate my birthday in style in future. 

I no longer covet a celebration because one, I do not want to remind myself that I am a year older again. Two, people long for birthdays because of wishes and gifts to a certain extent, for that something that you really like to be gifted to you as a present on your birthday and I have come to a point whereby I can afford whatever that I want and have no need for any presents or gifts, I am not sure if that is a blessing or a curse? It might make you look lonely and cynical that no one bothers to buy you a gift on your birthday or not know what to buy for you because you do not like any gifts LOL. The things that I want to buy also do not come cheap and I would feel embarrassed to be receiving gifts from others who probably have to scrimp and save to buy me the gift. Third, I go through hustle and bustle 364 days a year and I would like that one day to be reserved for some peace, quietness and ME time. Thus, I try to travel during my birthday and I have been doing that since 2009 except for a few years when I could not travel due to work commitments and in the last 2 years without having to explain further - Genting, Shanghai, Maldives, Is, Turkey, UK, NY, Nepal - these are the places which I have left my footprint outside of SG. 

I did not make a single wish this year because I no longer know what to wish for - world peace, C to be over, and to be happy always? Perhaps if I had to make wishes in the past, I would wish for an extraordinary life but as I age, I just want to be happy and live an ordinary life. I want to be able to travel around the world, meet different people from different cultures, appreciate the simplest things in life, be patient towards people around me and myself, want the people around me to also be happy and healthy and be able to live the life that they want. Life only gets tougher as you age and when I look around, I often asked myself, how many people are truly happy in life? 

What makes you happy? 

You only have to be 1 dollar richer than what you need in life to be satisfied

Wise words that someone told me a while back when I was struggling. I don't feel that I am poor most days because I can afford most things that I want in life these days, except a house (I came to realise). About a year ago, I wrote about wanting to eventually return to Singapore and was checking prices for a house as I was 50/50 between returning to Singapore and not. A year later, I cannot believe I am once again at this crossroad and I am now 70/30 on going back home. This is when I realised that f me, I still cannot afford to buy the house that I want to in Singapore. Perhaps I am too greedy, I am looking for too much - freehold, decent size, decent location, etc. and given 1 set of salary, I will probably have to wipe out all my savings to afford that. What should I do? 

I am not adamant about buying it and I am not looking to buy it because of pressure from anyone or me wanting to compete with anyone. I just want to buy a place which I can call home - my own loft. I could buy a HDB honestly and make it look good too, but these days they do not come cheap either and given how hard I have worked in the last few years, I feel like I deserve to buy something decent. At the same time, I do not want to become a slave for my house because I have to fret about paying the mortgage and what if I lose my job? Basically, I do not want to wear a hat that is bigger than my head. 

I do not feel lousy as I am writing this because I feel that I have come to terms with riches / money / wealth these days. As long as you are happy with your life, it does not matter whether you live in a condo or a HDB. It does not help that I am someone who from time to time will have all these crazy thoughts of packing my bags. Well, I have been through it once and I know exactly how that feels so I will not let myself go through it again! I need to feel engaged and I will continue working no matter what. The issue is - where is that place where I can keep going without stopping? 

One thing for sure that I know is - I need to leave London if I want to be able to buy that flat because the taxes here are killing me. I guess this is perhaps one reason why Asians are so obsessed with riches because houses in Asia are so freaking expensive unlike in Europe/ US. With the price that I am paying in Singapore to buy that flat which is only 1000 sqft. I will be able to buy a huge house here and still have spare cash :p 

I live without worries these days, with a decent job, decent amount of savings and I can 说走就走 to do anything freely or go anywhere freely. The moment I put pen to paper on that house purchase, it will be the end of my 说走就走. That I can be absolutely certain. Life's choices. 

Can't believe a year has flown by and I am still writing about the same things as a year ago - it means I have not made any progress. Is happiness what we are all solving for?

Takeaways from work from home

Unknowingly, it has been 1.5 years since I started working from home. It has truly been a dream come true and although I do miss social interactions, I cannot brush off the benefits of working from home either. I definitely miss the occasional coffees / walks which I used to take with SM, VV, back at my old firm and they gave me so much comfort during my analyst years. People who absorbed my grouses and constantly encouraged me to face up to problems, etc. Needless to say, I miss all the discussions I had in the office with C. D. bouncing ideas off each other and going through pitchbooks, models live, etc. In the new environment, I am also fortunate enough now to be seated beside a new analyst who is jovial and the occasional jokes that we crack always make my day and make me appreciate being back in the office a lot more. 

However, one should not deny the benefits of working from home still. I feel that when you work from home, people judge you purely based on the work that you produce and that should be what it is, isn't it? When you are in the office, you go for coffee with others, from time to time, you pick up your phone and text your loved ones, etc. but every little thing that you do as a result gets judged! If you are away from your desk for more than 15 minutes, people start to form judgment of your commitment, focus, efficiency, and neglect your work. People also judge your demeanour, your dress sense, the food that you eat, the number of times you go to the bathroom (even), etc. which in no way should discount the QUALITY of the WORK that you produce. Everyone likes to say, "I do not care about Facetime" but the truth is whoever is not at his / her desk always become the topic of discussion, ain't it? That is what the workplace is made for - for gossips, for people to judge others to make themselves look good. This is something that I have noticed ever since returning to office. I never had to worry about all of these while working from home. I only had to focus on the work that I produce! 

That said, the ship has sailed when it comes to working from home. We are on course to normalcy from C, which is a great thing and soon, we will all be back into the office and continue to be judged for things that are unrelated to our work. 

Reality hits

Well, it is vacation time! It seems like I have been taking a September vacation for the last three years since 2019 and there are pros and cons that come with it. I have to labour through summer when everyone is away and provide cover but I get to take a break from busy September. 

This break seem to come at a timely point before I return to the new reality of going back to the office. The past 1.5 years of working from home has been truly a dream come true. There are so many benefits associated with working from home, and I cannot fantom why some companies refuse to provide a hybrid environment to allow working from home. There are times when I felt so stressed out while working that I simply pull out my guitar and started to strum and sing to help myself to destress. This would have been totally impossible if working from the office. 

From this C. mess, I also got lots of insights. The world is so divided. You have the pro-lockdown people, you have the free-spirited people (anti-lockdown protesters), then you have the anti-vaxers and you also have the "do whatever you want, I simply cannot be bothered" people. I once heard this saying, "When you are a in position of power, do not just listen to the person who is shouting right in front of you, but that also try to listen to the silent ones". How true is that? Those that openly protest against lockdowns and vaccines do not represent the majority who might want to have some restrictions in place and willing to take a vaccine to move on with life. I would be really curious if the country were to take a poll and find out what % of the population are in for restrictions and what % want to just be free? There is no right or wrong, just a matter of opinion. We have been through this countless times this decade, from Brexit to how T. became POTUS. I remembered we had countless discussions in class back then about Brexit, about T., etc. Sometimes we laughed it off about how ridiculous T.'s campaign was yet he somehow proved the "minority" wrong. There were many silent majority out there who secretly had the similar sentiments like T and voted for him. A ton of Brits never felt they were part of Europe and wanted to break free despite all the talk about free trade brings about more benefits and costs and UK had a larger half of the pie by being in the EU. 

The one takeaway from C. for me was that I learnt to live in the moment. I am someone who like to look forward a lot, plan ahead, etc. Nowadays, I cannot live my life by being a step ahead anymore. I know I want to get home in December but I cannot even book my flight ticket right now because I would not know what the world would like four months ahead? Will quarantines still be in place or will I be able to fly freely? Will I still have the option to work from home/Singapore should I choose to return? When I used to be able to travel, I would think about the reality that I have to face when my travels end but these days, I no longer do that. I think about enjoying my holidays and leave the reality to future, for you never know what will happen to you tomorrow? 

Do you have 2.5 years more?

When I do not write as much, it always has got to do with work. I am completely buried under work in this new environment, without the right kind of support and me being someone who is extremely responsible, perfectionist and wanting to take ownership does not help. This industry is tough but how you survive all depends on your character. If you can be non-chalant about certain things, you probably will find it easier to navigate through the never ending wave of tasks. Although I have been in this job long enough and know what to do and how to survive, sometimes I really question if this is the right job for me? 

When I made the decision to move, I told myself that I will hang on for at least 2.5 years to the next milestone in this career, however I have been questioning myself so much in the past 2 weeks! When you look forward, 2.5 years seem really long. However, when you look backwards, 2.5 years seem like nothing. It has been 2.5 years since I moved to London. It has been 4.5 years since I started in this job. I was at Trafalgar Square this afternoon and memories flooded back when Doggie and I sat in the square chatting about life at large - 2 years ago! 2.5 years is nothing in the grander scheme of things and in a lifetime of 80 years, question is do I have 2.5 years more? 

My niece's wish in 2018 was for me to return to Singapore, in fact not just my niece but all my loved and cherished ones back home - Bro, BH, Doggie, Mom for sure, Grandma and nephews! My niece has waited for more than 2.5 years! Do I have 2.5 years till I return to Singapore if I would like to be able to play mahjong with my grandma more often? Do I have 2.5 years in London before my nieces/ nephews no longer want to hang out with me/ spend time with me? Do I have the patience to pay another 2.5 years of taxes? Do I want to live the next 2.5 years working till 1am everyday and working even on Sundays? 

I really wish for normalcy - if I could go back to travelling, if I could go back to badminton, I am sure 2.5 years would pass in the blink of an eye. I asked myself today - has my life moved forward or retracted backwards in the last 1.5 years ever since C started? I picked up the guitar and am now able to strum and sing. It has been my dream since I was 13 to be able to do that but I never once succeeded in picking up a musical instrument. C gave me the chance to fulfill this dream of mine. In exchange, I lost the opportunity to play badminton. I see my friends going back on court but I just dont have the courage to take that step forward to be in a mask-off environment and play a high intensity sport. All it takes is 1 person among the group to be infected and rest of the group gets implicated. Not so much of whether they infect me but also whether I will infect them given that vaccinated individuals carry an equal high amount of viral load as an unvaccinated one. I have contact with so many people on a daily basis when I go to the office. 

I reminisce about the times my PIG sister and I went on road trips - US, Japan, Australia, Taiwan - me driving and her next to me struggling to find the directions and sometimes feeling so stressed out. The times I forced her to go travelling with me - Egypt, Is, etc. by enticing her with a $500 subsidy and then offering a loan for the remaining expenses. LOL. We have our fair share of disagreements and sometimes argue but at the end of the day, we continue to be each other's support in life. I am a forgetful person and I cannot remember any of the arguments we had during our trips anymore (though I bet my sister remembers them secretly ;p). All the sceneries that we passed by while driving were picturesque but these moments suddenly seem so out-of-reach. 

I dont want to whine about C anymore because at least I have a job despite the crisis, I eat and sleep well and I have a roof over me and have access to healthcare facilities if I want to. There are many others who are facing issues with their livelihood, refugees from the various civil wars all around the world today. Our world needs to heal. 

Leap of Faith

3 months since I last updated. Going home was TRULY AMAZING! I missed my family and friends so much and despite having to take precautions while being able to roam the streets of Singapore again, I would do it again even with all the scares that I had to go through.

I went back to playing tennis, badminton, mahjong whilst continuing my guitar lessons and spent a ton of time with my nieces and nephews. Kids are so innocent and spending time with them truly makes me happy. All of that were made possible because I simply took the time off from work, being on gardening leave and just chilling at home. I also enjoyed the companionship of my PIG sister, my grandmother, my brother, my cousins and doggie and rattie too. 1.5 years not seeing them was simply too long! 

After a good 5 weeks, I packed my bags again and embarked on my new journey. Before I know it, half of 2021 has whizzed past yet again and I am almost 2 months into the new job! It has been nothing but tough as you can imagine, having to pick up processes all over again and getting used to working with different people with different quirks. At my old place, at least I always knew what to expect from xx. Truth to be told, there were many moments in the last 2 months that I really miss working with xx. I do not miss so much the place but really miss working with xx. He is truly the best person that I have worked with in my professional career. Like I have mentioned, it took me a long time to come to this decision and I know that it is a point of no return when I decided to take this step. I will gain a nice brand on my CV, however I have lost a good partner at work and a friend. If I were the other party, I would feel betrayed because there was simply no signals of my decision coming. It came too sudden and swift and there was no way to convince me out of it. Given my character, I sometimes do take a long time to come to a decision and when I have made up my mind to move on to a new future, no matter how much I long for the past, I will never look back regardless of how desperate I might be. That is ME and I stay true to who I am. 

I relate to this very famous tale of how a person goes on a journey to find the most suitable flower. He has only one chance to pick one flower and he will not be able to go backwards to pick a flower once he has decided to move forward. Along the way, though he saw many flowers that he liked, he never pluck a single one. He was always thinking that he will come across a better one further down the road only to realise that in the end, he ended up with no flowers at all. I am perhaps very much like the protagonist in that tale. I always wanted to move on no matter how much I like the present because I believe I will come across a better present. Maybe the previous stint would have been my best shot and I had missed it. For now, I can only keep moving on and make sure that I will enjoy every step in the future rather than reminisce about the good old days. 

For now, I need to adapt fast and it does not help that cases here are rising and I am in this conundrum of not knowing how to overcome my fear. At the start of June when I first returned to the workplace, I felt like I could live life normally again. I was forced out of my comfort zone and my time back home helped in terms of returning to normalcy. I then got hit with a false +ve test one day and I felt like I was kicked right back into my dughole. I wondered if I should have made those conversations with my colleagues, because had it being a real +ve case, I would have potentially put them at risk. I started to ponder upon my own interactions habits, how I should talk to someone, perhaps not directly to reduce the risk, etc. In a week's time, I probably have to readapt again to a "new" normal. I really long to return to some normalcy, return to the badminton court first thing first, but I just do not know how to take that step. I can take one leap of faith at a time, not multiple ones.