2015: A new chapter

Once again, it is the time of the year when I sit down and reflect on whatever that has happened in the past one year. A year is 365 days long, sometimes 366, and there are days when you feel like you are on top of the roller coaster and others when you are down. After living for 28 years, I guess I have more or less gotten accustomed to what to expect in life.

So, this is the year that I told myself that I would steer myself in a completely direction, to leave my comfort zone and plunge into the unknown. Two years ago, I took up the CFA examinations hoping to constantly pick up new knowledge and hopefully it can help me open up more career opportunities. I am at the last level of the examinations this year and honestly, the journey has not been as smooth sailing as I expected. Nonetheless, I do not regret making the decision to take up the challenge.

There is a saying that goes, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." Although I agree that planning is important, I am a stronger believer of "It is execution that matters". After all, you can never disregard Murphy's Law. Back in 2013, I made solid plans for graduate school and my career transition but nothing materialised in the end. I ended up deciding to give myself a break in 2014 after I left my job.

For me, being in unemployment presents more emotional stress than financial stress. In my memory, ever since I was old enough to make decisions for myself, I have never been idle for a single day. This is not taking into account school holidays when I get paid despite not working. I have been constantly working on my academics or career or finances. As a student, I spent my holidays working to support myself. As an adult, holidays are the time for me to relax at home, spend time with my family and friends and rejuvenate my body and mind. So life has always have a definite purpose. For the past five months, I wake up in the morning not knowing what to do or what I have to complete. Anxiety started to catch on me because I started questioning my own decisions to leave my job when I could not go to graduate school. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night asking myself what have I done to my life and whether I will be able to find another job with my teaching experiences. I am not moving backwards but I am definitely not moving forward either. I guess I finally understood what it means to plunge into uncertainty. Despite being an Economics trained person whereby ambiguity and uncertainty are part and parcel of our theories, I still found it overwhelming when facing it.

Nevertheless, I would not say that I am unhappy with my life. I have more free time to myself after leaving my job so I could sort out my thoughts and think about what I want to achieve moving forward. Some of my friends commented that they were envious of my current status as an unemployed but everything has its pros and cons. What they see is only the fact that I no longer have to deal with the stresses and grouses of work. My conclusion is that the grass on the opposite pasture is always greener.

Besides my own personal life, 2014 has also been a terrible year for aviation, an industry that has always held an important place in my heart. I love aeroplanes and IMO, an aeroplane is the best invention in the world. If not for an aeroplane, I would not have discovered so much about the world, the various cultures, etc. I had previously wrote about how we should pray for the families of those on the two Malaysian Airlines flights who met with mishap. In total, there are five fatal flights in 2014 with the last one being AA in the last few days of the year. I hope people do not lose faith in the industry because I still believe that aviation is one of the safest industries in the world. Let us all hope for a better 2015. :)

My 2015 New Year resolution is to make dreams a reality.

I have wanted to pick up French for the longest time possible but I give up too easily. No one converses with me and the pronunciation is the hardest thing. In addition, I have wanted to learn Japanese because I have quite a few Japanese friends and I often meet them while on my travels. There is always a communication barrier and I told myself I must overcome this. However, I do not find the motivation to persevere in my pursuits because I do not get to practise the language and I am a person who loses knowledge that are not in use. So, I am still stuck with the reality of only knowing two languages - English and Chinese.

After all these reflections, I have decided to pick up Spanish instead. [LOL!] I realise that my motivation behind learning French and Japanese are passion and friends respectively. However, these are not strong motivations. When I am in Singapore, I never have to use any of these languages. I do not keep in frequent contact with my Japanese friends either for there to exist a compelling reason for me to learn the language. I want to learn Spanish because I intend to visit South America in the near future and without Spanish, I probably am going to have problems navigating and interacting with the locals. Hopefully, this will better motivate me to learn the language well!

Signing off with the quote for 2015:

Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one. ~ Brad Paisley 

After thoughts of my epic 49-day adventure #3

#3: tranquility

I am typing this post of mine on my iPhone so I guess I need to keep it short. Why this title?

I realised, while on my travels, that one of the reasons why I love travelling because it provides me tranquility amidst the bustling crowd. While overseas, I usuaally do not purchase data card to gain access to the Internet. As a result, I only appear on WA, Instagram, FB, and all other social media sites only when I have WIFI access. This feeling of being disconnected to the World Wide Web gives me peace because I no longer have to be bothered about the daily grouses of life. Haha! I can truly enjoy the lone time with Nature, myself or my friends. While amongst the crowd, no one knows me because they do not know my FB account, cannot try to connect to me via Bluetooth or WIFi because I am disconnected and I need not bother about the people around me. However in Singapore, I have to wary about whether I would be "stomped", whether I would bump into someone I know, etc and therefore I feel less free in being myself. That's how technology can deprive us of privacy!

However, the ironic thing is that an iPhone with internet access enables me to travel in comfort. I can take photos with it, use the Google maps for navigation, listen to music, play games to pass time and most importantly Google for help or information. Hence, I still find myself constantly looking out for Free WIFI spots. Why does everything in life has to have tradeoffs?

After thoughts of my epic 49-day adventure #2

#2: The dream world journey

While in Turkey, I met this Japanese girl who travelled for 1 year 3 months around the world. She started from Southeast Asia, then to Africa, Europe, South America, North America then finally back to Japan. You must be thinking, is it like a "around the world in 395 days" thingy? Spot on! Of course she did not visit every single country in the continents that I mentioned above but to be able to cover 42 countries in a year is quite a feat, ain't it? She simply shouted out to her FB friends that she will be travelling around and whoever is able to accommodate her can just leave her a note. She also did some couch surfing to save on costs. In total, she mentioned a budget of around 20,000 USD which is not too much considering that she travelled for more than a year!

Through the stories that she shared and the pictures that I saw on her Facebook, it hit me quite hard once again. I realise that we are both quite similar in a lot of ways. She is born in December and she is in the education field. She went travelling around the world to experience the different education systems and of course, she is a travel addict as well. We have very similar attitudes towards life but she is definitely braver than me! Inevitably, the Japanese community is also a very knitted one and it might be easier for her to find Japanese people all around the world. On top of that, she probably has more friends globally than I do. If you ask me to name a friend in South America, I can give you a number immediately and that is 0. She has indeed accomplish my favourite quote, "To travel around the world, take nothing but photographs, kill nothing but time and leave nothing but footprints."

Travelling around the world for an extended period of time going to different continents is something that I have always wanted to do. However, I lack the courage to do so. Sometimes I cannot stand my own rationality. I feel insecure when I think about the security issues that I may face, especially in countries in the African continent. South America is no better and knowing a little Spanish definitely works wonder. Unfortunately, I do not. In addition, I have concerns about finances. Who will fund my insurance premiums? Who will provide monthly maintenance for my parents? I can easily provide you a list of reasons as to why I cannot travel around the world on my own. One of the most compelling reasons is the fact that I cannot stand loneliness. Whenever I travel, I always have this urge to send postcards back to my sister (if she is not with me), my brother, two of my cousins (BH and Ben) and two of my nieces. They are the people whom I would like to share the best things that I have in life with, the beautiful landscapes, the warm hospitality that I receive, the many new found perspectives, etc. If I were to just travel alone, I have no one to share such thoughts with.

Nevertheless, I see meaning in travelling by myself too. Every now and then, I do trips on my own for a week or so and honestly, I do enjoy these trips. It gives me time to reflect on myself and also learn to be more humble. The fact that you are not constantly interacting with others gives you the time and space to think about things and meet new people and consequently, pick up new perspectives on life. The fact that you are on your own in a foreign place also means that you definitely require others' help and the feeling of being powerless makes you learn to be more humble. So each time I return from travelling by myself, I feel refresh and that I can become a better person in so many different ways.

After all these blabbering, I would say that I still do not have the courage to do what the girl did and can only be envious of her accomplishments. However, going to South Africa and all the countries in South America is definitely an item on my bucket list and it is something that I hope to work hard for moving forward. So, step 1, pick up Spanish! :)

Also, JJ Lin has a song that I love because of its lyrics, "那些你很冒险的梦，我陪你去疯”  So many people that I come across ask me the same question, who exactly are you waiting for in life? Why haven't you found the right guy? Times like these make me more certain of what I am waiting for. I am waiting for that one guy who dreams the dreams I dreamt, willingly takes the risks that I dare not and loves me unconditionally. I might be asking a lot but I would rather meet that one right guy than to stumble upon many wrong ones.

After thoughts of my 49-day epic adventure #1

Since I embarked on a 49-day adventure, I promise to write 49 things or thoughts on my journey.

#1: A friend whom I miss

The main trigger of me visiting Europe again is to visit a friend of mine whom I have unknowingly known for 11 years. We got to know each other back in the Polytechnic but we somehow drifted apart until about 4-5 years ago. The trip to Korea kinda reignited our friendship and we started our monthly movie nights. When she decided to move to Switzerland to work, it struck me quite hard, not just because it meant there was no more monthly movie nights but that she was doing something that I long to accomplish. Initially, I had wanted to visit her while being enrolled in graduate school but since my plans had some hiccups, I did otherwise.

She is a stark contrast of who I am as a person. Having spent a month with her made me reflect a lot upon myself as a person, my character, how much I have changed over the years, etc. When she left Singapore, she made me miss movie nights. Now after visiting her, she made me miss her warm hospitality!

While in Turkey, one of the tour guides asked if we are best friends or good friends. Both of us did not answer or rather could not be sure what we should be saying. Somehow, to call someone your best friend, there needs to be reciprocity I guess. We need to both agree that we are each other's best friends then would we unconsciously say "yes" when others ask. I have loads of best friends, though the term "best" is supposed to mean the favourite among all. To say she is my best friend is a little too strong because people like Chris, WenX, Pigsy Ang, etc. are people who fit that title without second thoughts. Likewise for her, I am sure she has other groups of friends who will come to her mind when people mention the term "best friend".

So anyway, after a moment of awkwardness when we both did not give the guide a reply, she said, "We are close friends."

As someone whose friends are predominantly male, I think she can easily emerge as one of my best female friends (bffs). I have no qualms sharing with her some of my deepest thoughts and we do not pass judgments on each other's decisions or actions. Not that she would give me advices or whatsoever but the fact that I can open up to her so easily and vice versa is definitely one of the criteria to tick off when I decide if she is someone I can call a best friend too. Nonetheless, the title is not important. What matters is that I know she is someone whom I feel comfortable hanging around with, willingly share my stuff with, keeping each other updated about lives, etc. and actually keeping to my word about all these things beats giving each other fanciful titles but probably never bother contacting each other.

#visitingbluemosque

Staying connected with my readers (if they exist)

This space of mine has been left empty for way too long. It is unfortunate that I have not kept to my promise of updating my blog with regards to the travel adventures. I have been writing bits every now and then and soon, I am sure I will be able to post all of them. Blogger has a new function whereby they track the page views of my blog on a daily basis. Blogging is kinda outdated these days so I am surprised that I still have a few page views on a daily basis. I know that my family members and friends no longer read my blog so those who visit are definitely strangers.

However, if you are my friend and you still read my blog from time to time, please leave me a comment on this blogpost or write something in the chatterbox. It is always comforting to know who are those that silently stay updated with your life. :)

If you are a stranger who happened to chance upon my blog, do wave HI be it whether you have positive or negative comments about the things that I write. :)

The friends I choose

I suddenly have the urge to write down some of my most complex thoughts now that I am unemployed and am having countless meet-ups with pals and friends that I have known over the course of the last 20 odd years.

One thing I realise about my choice of friends has always been a foe's friend is a foe. I usually do not enjoy being friends with people whom I disagree with the way they do things, not on a rash assessment but over a certain period of time of observing them, because I dislike having disagreements while hanging out with them. Consequently, I will also distant myself from people whom they hang out with. This is because I hate the awkward moment when we talk about the person who I have a different evaluation of. However, I have been keeping in contact with two of such people who happen to be friends with those people I crossed out as potential friends long ago. When they ask me about our mutual friends, the socially appropriate "me" will say neutral things about such people because I really dislike badmouthing others simply because my personal judgment and opinion of one do not constitute a good evaluation of a person after all. Everyone is entitled to their own personal opinions. However, I am someone who is frank to people whom I view as friends to keep for life.

For one of them, I met up with him lately and sometimes I forget about the fact that he is on very personal and close terms with these other people who I do not wish to be acquainted with. He is someone who is easy going and easy to talk to and I enjoy meeting up with him over coffee. The things that we talk about usually stretch beyond the daily grouses of life but more about things that we enjoy doing, travelling, world affairs, etc. Of course we do keep each other updated about our lives as well and he does share interesting things about his work with me and vice versa. However, every now and then, I am reminded of his friendship with all these other people and I feel that I should distant myself from him just to avoid that conflict in interest. Coupled with the fact that he is someone who is very easy to talk to, people converse with him a lot and of course he knows a lot of insider news and I am always wary of such people. Information has to be traded because when someone tells you a secret or some ground breaking news, it is inevitable that you will also tell him or her whatever you know. For me, I hate conversations like these whereby you need to trade information because put it in a crude way, you are simply gossiping. So I always choose to receive and simply nod in agreement. I always feel that if he is ever so willing to share information with me, it must also mean that he will be ever so willing to share information about me with others and honestly, I don't really enjoy that. Thus, from time to time, I will re-evaluate my friendship with him. Even now as I am typing this post, I am thinking about how I should be handling this friendship moving forward. We are planning a travel adventure soon and it is not that I am having second thoughts about it but will all the social media updates that he make complicate our friendship? I really don't know. I always believe that 作朋友讲缘分, too many people walk in and out of my daily life but only true friends leave their footprints. It may be cliche to say but it is so damn true! I rather have 10 close friends whom I remember their phone numbers by heart than to have a 100 unfamiliar numbers whom I will think twice about calling in my contact list. This is also the reason why people like CDGJ, BenC, Linken, etc. are so damn important to me.

In conclusion, I think sometimes this is perhaps the reason why your best friends and confidants are people whom you know in your teenage years. Things were so much simpler back in the younger days. You gossip but things you say do less damage than they do when you say it as a mature adult. Why must things get so complicated when you grow up? Or maybe I am the one who is complicated. This is also one of the many reasons why I want to run away all the time, to run away from all these complexities, hide myself from the world and start afresh elsewhere where no one knows me and I do not have to deal with all these shit of who's a friend of a foe or who's a foe or who's a friend's friend, etc., whom I should trust, whom I should not, etc. But that say, I love my family members a lot for they have been my pillar of support for the large part of my life thus far --> Stay tune for the next post: My lovely siblings!

31 things to say for a month - Day 26: YOLO travel adventures

Day 26: You Only Live Once (YOLO) - My travel adventures

6 years have passed since the day I embarked on my exchange to Sweden. Recently, I left my job and hence I was given a lot of time to think about what I want to do next. I was chatting with lil sister about how my fast time has whizzed past me in the past 4 years. Although I have been constantly travelling in the past 4 years, certain memories from Europe linger on. Recently, a few events that happened made me walk down memory lane and led me to think about how much I have changed in the last four years.

Firstly, an occasional conversation with a relative who will be heading to Munich in August made me decided to look at my old blog posts to give him some recommendations on the places to visit. This walk down memory lane certainly stirred up emotions in me and I find it a waste that I did not keep to my own promise to blog about all the places that I travel to e.g. USA, Canada, etc. So I told myself that when I am back from my next adventure i.e. Australia and I have some time off, I shall try to recall as much as possible about the places that I have been to and write about them.

Secondly, I happened to chance upon an ex-student's Facebook to discover that she embarked on a 33-day journey to Europe travelling to places such as Turkey, Hungary, Czech, Germany, UK, and Iceland. The way she described her adventures was a mirror of the younger me. Though I was a poor student back then, I had a lot of fun on my travels meeting new people, some whom I will probably never meet again, others whom I had met on previous adventures, and of course some whom I subsequently met up with again. However, I always enjoyed meeting these strangers and engage in conversations about anything under the sun. Now that I have aged and been through the washes of the working society, I realise that I am no longer the traveller I used to be, the one who is always willing to meet new people. Perhaps because I know that 80% of these people are those that I will never meet again, or that I am sick of explaining all about my job, or why I was in a particular location, or that while I am travelling, I just want to enjoy the peace and tranquility of the surroundings. I guess wisdom and maturity come with a price as well and that is innocence. No one can say the older or the newer me is the better one because you only do certain things when you are young and I am glad I did experience those emotions when I was young. Not that I don't enjoy meeting new people these days, but I definitely am more reserved and less proactive in making new friends. For example, when I see a new colleague, I will say 'HI' and acknowledge his or her presence but no longer asking probing questions or whatsoever.

As I am writing about all these thrills of a young adult, I recall this meaningful saying that I came across a few years back:  "When you are young, you have energy and time but you do not have money. When you are a working adult, you have money and energy but you do not have time. When you are old, you have money and time but you no longer have the energy." At every stage in your life, something will be lacking and hence the best way to get out of this is to always find the thing that you are lacking or make the best out of what you have. When you are young, try to travel on a budget since your pockets are not deep enough. When you are at adulthood, try to take a break from work and make time for the world. When you are old, make sure that you have been maintaining a healthy lifestyle since young so that you will still have the energy to spend time with the world.

Thirdly, all these friends that I have made in my previous working place and also friends from my schooling days are like lighthouses or maybe like Leonardo di Carpio in Inception. They plant ideas in me but they make me happy unknowingly.  A proposal to go to Hokkaido, an occasional mention of a visit to Turkey, an invitation to view the Northern lights and I have decided to once again embark on my travel adventures in these 6 months that I am taking a break from. Remember, to make time while I still have energy and some $$.

People, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE. Not that we should make use of this saying to do evil things, to be impulse and make rash decisions but we should really live everyday to the fullest and this saying is like an occasional knock on the head for me to not think too much about risks, about $$, about any other commitments. All the events that have been happening around the world in the last 2-3 years should have knocked some sense into everyone of us - to cherish the people around us, to love them, to learn to forgive and cast aside sayings such as 'An eye for an eye' or 'Revenge is best served cold'.

#Pray for the peace of Jerusalem #Pray for MH17 & MH370 #Pray for the kids of Gaza and Syria

How many more of such hashtags do we need to create?

31 things to say for a month - Day 25: Why I left teaching

Day 25: Why I was so upset with teaching

As I look back on the past 27 years of my life, I can proudly to say that I have very few regrets in my life. However, so many things have been happening lately and this has made me experienced one of the biggest regrets of my life. I know that the emotions are very overwhelming now which is why I feel so strongly about this and 10 years down the road, I would see myself as being silly and stupid to be writing about this.

About a year and a half ago, I made the biggest wrong decision in my life and that is to accept hockey as a CCA. I was doing so well and enjoying the quality time that I spent with my students in tennis. Last Apr, when I saw the little success that our team experienced, I was so excited and happy even though I know that they are still far from being the best. When I eventually moved over to Hockey, I told myself to commit fully to the CCA and pick up the sport as I go and even though I cannot provide any technical advices, I could show the emotional support and motivation sports players require. I started to watch hockey videos and learnt the technical aspects of the game. I spent time watching with them, organising friendlies, etc. just so that the students will not be shortchanged and get the required training time that they need. Of course, success does not come so easily and in the first year, I was still learning how to manage the many administrative aspects of things and also how to run the CCA smoothly.

Then soon came the new batch of J1s and I tried my best to develop them, be it the leaders or the rest of the members, taking time to talk to them and providing the best support that I can. I went to great lengths to try to recruit an experienced player and the team started to experience a little success in our  friendlies last year, beating the likes of SA by a marginal score of 2-0 and also overwhelming AJ during the friendlies.

Despite having the option to change a coach at the end of the year, me being the sentimental me, decided to retain our current coach because I felt that he was just beginning to experience a little success with our girls and it would be unfair to change a coach suddenly.

Unfortunately, I was not able to keep this experienced player due to individual differences and also many associated problems outside of the game. So, she left. There was a stark contrast in the ability of the team to achieve greater success in the absence of this one player and it was a consensus that the coach and I had come to after many discussions. However, I never gave up hope. I looked out for experienced J1s that could join us to fill the void or complete the missing puzzle to the jigsaw. Eventually, we found a suitable candidate and I worked my ass off to try to convince her to join us and it was after much persuasion that she decided to give hockey a shot.

Then came that two fateful events which changed the dynamics of the team and the relationship between them and me soured. A group of girls spending time in the changing room, probably fooling around or whatever it is, I do not know instead of thinking about the important game that they are going to have. I went over and started to question them about what they were doing and of course, gave them a piece of my mind. My ideology of a sportsperson is someone who is disciplined and has a sense of urgency, visualises what awaits them before an important game. Maybe I had too high expectations so this scolding session earned me a "I hereby declare you the worst teacher ever" honour. Not knowing that I had lost my worth as a TIC, I foolishly proclaimed them as one of my few remaining joys in school.

I did my duties diligently, taking over other teachers duties just so I could better manage the rest of the players' emotions and made sure that they had something to do while the coach focused on training his precious players. I cared, I cared for every single player whether they were in the first team or not.

Despite having to study for my own exams, I agreed to bring them on an overseas trip to Malaysia and burn my March holidays just so they could have wonderful memories about the CCA and their teammates to bring home with when they eventually stopped training. I never complain about the administrative work and the added responsibility and risk that I had to take up because my belief as a teacher is that I would never shortchanged my students for anything. While we were in Malaysia, I was always feeling frustrated over the things that they did and the way that they played. As much as I was unhappy with the way they behaved, I still care about their well-being such as "Did they have sufficient time to study?" "Did they have enough sleep?" etc and I often reflect upon myself as well. "Did I expect too much out of these 17 and 18 year olds?" "Was I too harsh?" etc etc. Then, I came to the conclusion that the only way for me to not be disappointed and frustrated with them is that I have to not have any expectations and completely detach myself from their results or gameplay. So I stopped commenting on how they should play, what they should improve on, etc. because they weren't ready to listen to me anyway. For all the things that I did, I do not expect anything in return because I know that I am just doing my job and I am the sort that will always put in my 100% in any responsibility that people give to me. At the end of the trip, I saw how the volleyballers thank their coach and also their TIC and found it so heartwarming. When it was the hockey girls' turn, they never forgot to thank their coach but where was I in the picture? Not a single word of thanks or appreciation but I thought perhaps I simply walked away too soon and too often that they did not think that they had to thank me. I did feel a little upset that I had failed so badly in terms of inculcating the most basic value in life - a sense of appreciation in my students. But it did not take long for me to realise that it was not that they had no sense of appreciation towards what I had done for them but that they did not find me to be a person to thank in the first place.

A week later, a fateful event further damage the already torn relationship between my students and I. A misfortune and a colleague's comment to check out their social networking profiles made me realised that to them, I was a "supportive teacher who provided them 0 motivation to work hard for" because of yet another scolding. It is not about paying out of my own pocket and telling them so that they could understand how much I have done for them but that the fact that I will pay out of my own pocket to provide them these things show that I deemed them to be important for them to be equipped with. I do not need to elaborate on how traumatised and guilty I feel myself when such a misfortune happened and that it happened when the student was under my charge. A lifetime of disability for a stupid game is simply not worth it.

But I knew that I had to be calm and professional and provided the much needed support to the entire team and that from that point forward, the team has to work not for their own glory but also to fight for that one member. But that comment about me really hurt me badly. After all the effort and time that I committed, that was the impression that they have of me. That was when I felt so dejected and gave up trying completely. I could have withdrawn them from the competition but I did not because I felt that they would want to play so badly. I went to settle all other administrative tasks, go all the way to Peninsula shopping centre to buy the competition socks for them because I did not want them to waste their money and time when they should be focusing on their studies.

Yesterday, the same old drama unfolded as per every friendly and competition game. The coach ran into the pitch and tried to "question" the umpires over a decision and I had to run in to stop him just so the team would not be disqualified. After the game, I spoke to the coach and apparently, he could not see things from the professional perspective. Sometimes, I really feel like telling him, "Shame on you for behaving like that because you were once a National Hockey player" but I did not. I show him full respect for what he has achieved over the years, all the fame and glory that he enjoyed in his younger days and that he truly cares for the girls. When he cannot understand my reasoning, I had to be even more firm about what is right and wrong and tell him not to blame the referees for a game that we could have won yet drew. If there was anything that we could have done better, it was about improving on our players' fitness and gameplay. The girls probably heard that or he could have told them subsequently about what I said, it does not matter anymore and once again, I was the convicted one. I was deemed to have "crossed the line" because I did not have the right to talk to "their" coach in that manner. "The team can succeed on their own and that they only need each other and their dear coach's support."

After reading it, I felt so insulted and that is when I know that this has got to be the biggest regret in my life thus far. To continue trying while trying to manage my own emotions only to get all the insults and criticisms from people whom I once supported so much, sacrificed so much for and deemed to have taught me a lot of lessons even though they are so much younger than me. I am very angry and upset at myself for being such a fool to let myself be affected by their comments, all because I once truly cared for these people. I do not even need them to show any appreciation for whatever that I have done, just to understand that I did everything I could to provide them with the best activities one can have in a CCA and also to protect them. But crap, with each passing day, I still have not found rock bottom yet. I am a fool, I must be a fool.

No one will really tell them the cold hard truth that without me and my fellow teachers' support to be there for games, etc. the team would not have existed. We do not even want to claim credit for any of these things but just a little sense of appreciation or a word of thanks for what we have done or at the bare minimum, we definitely do not deserve such criticisms. In all my years of teaching, I have never felt so upset before, not even when a student commented that I was not helpful or when I fell out with one of my best students ever. At least, he eventually come to realise that I truly care for his well-being and wanted him to do well just so he could secure a good future.

Now that I have narrated the story, I feel so much better and I realise that I just needed an avenue to vent my frustrations. Just because I am an adult and I have to manage my emotions way better than kids meant that I had to be tough in front of everyone else and act nonchalant. If I were to speak of this incident, I am very sure I will eventually breakdown and become inconsolable because I would not be able to stop my tears from flowing. After all, I have embarrassed myself too much the week after that fateful event and I hate to let others see the weaker side of me.

Yes, the worst will be over soon. I just have to hang in there for the next 1 month. Teaching, a satisfying career? I guess I will never get to experience the satisfaction that I ought to ever again.