Happy Birthday to Myself!

A year has flown past and it is time to celebrate my hatch day again! This was probably the quietest birthday that I had ever had. Since young, I do not have the habit of really celebrating my birthday given it is typically school holidays. I also tend to fall sick during my birthday as far as I can recall as a kid. 

As I enter into my teenage years, I started to celebrate in the company of my buddies and I remember I also celebrated my 21st as a milestone of me stepping into adulthood officially. On that day, I made the promise to myself that from then on, I shall no longer celebrate my birthday in style in future. 

I no longer covet a celebration because one, I do not want to remind myself that I am a year older again. Two, people long for birthdays because of wishes and gifts to a certain extent, for that something that you really like to be gifted to you as a present on your birthday and I have come to a point whereby I can afford whatever that I want and have no need for any presents or gifts, I am not sure if that is a blessing or a curse? It might make you look lonely and cynical that no one bothers to buy you a gift on your birthday or not know what to buy for you because you do not like any gifts LOL. The things that I want to buy also do not come cheap and I would feel embarrassed to be receiving gifts from others who probably have to scrimp and save to buy me the gift. Third, I go through hustle and bustle 364 days a year and I would like that one day to be reserved for some peace, quietness and ME time. Thus, I try to travel during my birthday and I have been doing that since 2009 except for a few years when I could not travel due to work commitments and in the last 2 years without having to explain further - Genting, Shanghai, Maldives, Is, Turkey, UK, NY, Nepal - these are the places which I have left my footprint outside of SG. 

I did not make a single wish this year because I no longer know what to wish for - world peace, C to be over, and to be happy always? Perhaps if I had to make wishes in the past, I would wish for an extraordinary life but as I age, I just want to be happy and live an ordinary life. I want to be able to travel around the world, meet different people from different cultures, appreciate the simplest things in life, be patient towards people around me and myself, want the people around me to also be happy and healthy and be able to live the life that they want. Life only gets tougher as you age and when I look around, I often asked myself, how many people are truly happy in life? 

What makes you happy? 

You only have to be 1 dollar richer than what you need in life to be satisfied

Wise words that someone told me a while back when I was struggling. I don't feel that I am poor most days because I can afford most things that I want in life these days, except a house (I came to realise). About a year ago, I wrote about wanting to eventually return to Singapore and was checking prices for a house as I was 50/50 between returning to Singapore and not. A year later, I cannot believe I am once again at this crossroad and I am now 70/30 on going back home. This is when I realised that f me, I still cannot afford to buy the house that I want to in Singapore. Perhaps I am too greedy, I am looking for too much - freehold, decent size, decent location, etc. and given 1 set of salary, I will probably have to wipe out all my savings to afford that. What should I do? 

I am not adamant about buying it and I am not looking to buy it because of pressure from anyone or me wanting to compete with anyone. I just want to buy a place which I can call home - my own loft. I could buy a HDB honestly and make it look good too, but these days they do not come cheap either and given how hard I have worked in the last few years, I feel like I deserve to buy something decent. At the same time, I do not want to become a slave for my house because I have to fret about paying the mortgage and what if I lose my job? Basically, I do not want to wear a hat that is bigger than my head. 

I do not feel lousy as I am writing this because I feel that I have come to terms with riches / money / wealth these days. As long as you are happy with your life, it does not matter whether you live in a condo or a HDB. It does not help that I am someone who from time to time will have all these crazy thoughts of packing my bags. Well, I have been through it once and I know exactly how that feels so I will not let myself go through it again! I need to feel engaged and I will continue working no matter what. The issue is - where is that place where I can keep going without stopping? 

One thing for sure that I know is - I need to leave London if I want to be able to buy that flat because the taxes here are killing me. I guess this is perhaps one reason why Asians are so obsessed with riches because houses in Asia are so freaking expensive unlike in Europe/ US. With the price that I am paying in Singapore to buy that flat which is only 1000 sqft. I will be able to buy a huge house here and still have spare cash :p 

I live without worries these days, with a decent job, decent amount of savings and I can 说走就走 to do anything freely or go anywhere freely. The moment I put pen to paper on that house purchase, it will be the end of my 说走就走. That I can be absolutely certain. Life's choices. 

Can't believe a year has flown by and I am still writing about the same things as a year ago - it means I have not made any progress. Is happiness what we are all solving for?

Takeaways from work from home

Unknowingly, it has been 1.5 years since I started working from home. It has truly been a dream come true and although I do miss social interactions, I cannot brush off the benefits of working from home either. I definitely miss the occasional coffees / walks which I used to take with SM, VV, back at my old firm and they gave me so much comfort during my analyst years. People who absorbed my grouses and constantly encouraged me to face up to problems, etc. Needless to say, I miss all the discussions I had in the office with C. D. bouncing ideas off each other and going through pitchbooks, models live, etc. In the new environment, I am also fortunate enough now to be seated beside a new analyst who is jovial and the occasional jokes that we crack always make my day and make me appreciate being back in the office a lot more. 

However, one should not deny the benefits of working from home still. I feel that when you work from home, people judge you purely based on the work that you produce and that should be what it is, isn't it? When you are in the office, you go for coffee with others, from time to time, you pick up your phone and text your loved ones, etc. but every little thing that you do as a result gets judged! If you are away from your desk for more than 15 minutes, people start to form judgment of your commitment, focus, efficiency, and neglect your work. People also judge your demeanour, your dress sense, the food that you eat, the number of times you go to the bathroom (even), etc. which in no way should discount the QUALITY of the WORK that you produce. Everyone likes to say, "I do not care about Facetime" but the truth is whoever is not at his / her desk always become the topic of discussion, ain't it? That is what the workplace is made for - for gossips, for people to judge others to make themselves look good. This is something that I have noticed ever since returning to office. I never had to worry about all of these while working from home. I only had to focus on the work that I produce! 

That said, the ship has sailed when it comes to working from home. We are on course to normalcy from C, which is a great thing and soon, we will all be back into the office and continue to be judged for things that are unrelated to our work. 

Reality hits

Well, it is vacation time! It seems like I have been taking a September vacation for the last three years since 2019 and there are pros and cons that come with it. I have to labour through summer when everyone is away and provide cover but I get to take a break from busy September. 

This break seem to come at a timely point before I return to the new reality of going back to the office. The past 1.5 years of working from home has been truly a dream come true. There are so many benefits associated with working from home, and I cannot fantom why some companies refuse to provide a hybrid environment to allow working from home. There are times when I felt so stressed out while working that I simply pull out my guitar and started to strum and sing to help myself to destress. This would have been totally impossible if working from the office. 

From this C. mess, I also got lots of insights. The world is so divided. You have the pro-lockdown people, you have the free-spirited people (anti-lockdown protesters), then you have the anti-vaxers and you also have the "do whatever you want, I simply cannot be bothered" people. I once heard this saying, "When you are a in position of power, do not just listen to the person who is shouting right in front of you, but that also try to listen to the silent ones". How true is that? Those that openly protest against lockdowns and vaccines do not represent the majority who might want to have some restrictions in place and willing to take a vaccine to move on with life. I would be really curious if the country were to take a poll and find out what % of the population are in for restrictions and what % want to just be free? There is no right or wrong, just a matter of opinion. We have been through this countless times this decade, from Brexit to how T. became POTUS. I remembered we had countless discussions in class back then about Brexit, about T., etc. Sometimes we laughed it off about how ridiculous T.'s campaign was yet he somehow proved the "minority" wrong. There were many silent majority out there who secretly had the similar sentiments like T and voted for him. A ton of Brits never felt they were part of Europe and wanted to break free despite all the talk about free trade brings about more benefits and costs and UK had a larger half of the pie by being in the EU. 

The one takeaway from C. for me was that I learnt to live in the moment. I am someone who like to look forward a lot, plan ahead, etc. Nowadays, I cannot live my life by being a step ahead anymore. I know I want to get home in December but I cannot even book my flight ticket right now because I would not know what the world would like four months ahead? Will quarantines still be in place or will I be able to fly freely? Will I still have the option to work from home/Singapore should I choose to return? When I used to be able to travel, I would think about the reality that I have to face when my travels end but these days, I no longer do that. I think about enjoying my holidays and leave the reality to future, for you never know what will happen to you tomorrow? 

Do you have 2.5 years more?

When I do not write as much, it always has got to do with work. I am completely buried under work in this new environment, without the right kind of support and me being someone who is extremely responsible, perfectionist and wanting to take ownership does not help. This industry is tough but how you survive all depends on your character. If you can be non-chalant about certain things, you probably will find it easier to navigate through the never ending wave of tasks. Although I have been in this job long enough and know what to do and how to survive, sometimes I really question if this is the right job for me? 

When I made the decision to move, I told myself that I will hang on for at least 2.5 years to the next milestone in this career, however I have been questioning myself so much in the past 2 weeks! When you look forward, 2.5 years seem really long. However, when you look backwards, 2.5 years seem like nothing. It has been 2.5 years since I moved to London. It has been 4.5 years since I started in this job. I was at Trafalgar Square this afternoon and memories flooded back when Doggie and I sat in the square chatting about life at large - 2 years ago! 2.5 years is nothing in the grander scheme of things and in a lifetime of 80 years, question is do I have 2.5 years more? 

My niece's wish in 2018 was for me to return to Singapore, in fact not just my niece but all my loved and cherished ones back home - Bro, BH, Doggie, Mom for sure, Grandma and nephews! My niece has waited for more than 2.5 years! Do I have 2.5 years till I return to Singapore if I would like to be able to play mahjong with my grandma more often? Do I have 2.5 years in London before my nieces/ nephews no longer want to hang out with me/ spend time with me? Do I have the patience to pay another 2.5 years of taxes? Do I want to live the next 2.5 years working till 1am everyday and working even on Sundays? 

I really wish for normalcy - if I could go back to travelling, if I could go back to badminton, I am sure 2.5 years would pass in the blink of an eye. I asked myself today - has my life moved forward or retracted backwards in the last 1.5 years ever since C started? I picked up the guitar and am now able to strum and sing. It has been my dream since I was 13 to be able to do that but I never once succeeded in picking up a musical instrument. C gave me the chance to fulfill this dream of mine. In exchange, I lost the opportunity to play badminton. I see my friends going back on court but I just dont have the courage to take that step forward to be in a mask-off environment and play a high intensity sport. All it takes is 1 person among the group to be infected and rest of the group gets implicated. Not so much of whether they infect me but also whether I will infect them given that vaccinated individuals carry an equal high amount of viral load as an unvaccinated one. I have contact with so many people on a daily basis when I go to the office. 

I reminisce about the times my PIG sister and I went on road trips - US, Japan, Australia, Taiwan - me driving and her next to me struggling to find the directions and sometimes feeling so stressed out. The times I forced her to go travelling with me - Egypt, Is, etc. by enticing her with a $500 subsidy and then offering a loan for the remaining expenses. LOL. We have our fair share of disagreements and sometimes argue but at the end of the day, we continue to be each other's support in life. I am a forgetful person and I cannot remember any of the arguments we had during our trips anymore (though I bet my sister remembers them secretly ;p). All the sceneries that we passed by while driving were picturesque but these moments suddenly seem so out-of-reach. 

I dont want to whine about C anymore because at least I have a job despite the crisis, I eat and sleep well and I have a roof over me and have access to healthcare facilities if I want to. There are many others who are facing issues with their livelihood, refugees from the various civil wars all around the world today. Our world needs to heal. 

Leap of Faith

3 months since I last updated. Going home was TRULY AMAZING! I missed my family and friends so much and despite having to take precautions while being able to roam the streets of Singapore again, I would do it again even with all the scares that I had to go through.

I went back to playing tennis, badminton, mahjong whilst continuing my guitar lessons and spent a ton of time with my nieces and nephews. Kids are so innocent and spending time with them truly makes me happy. All of that were made possible because I simply took the time off from work, being on gardening leave and just chilling at home. I also enjoyed the companionship of my PIG sister, my grandmother, my brother, my cousins and doggie and rattie too. 1.5 years not seeing them was simply too long! 

After a good 5 weeks, I packed my bags again and embarked on my new journey. Before I know it, half of 2021 has whizzed past yet again and I am almost 2 months into the new job! It has been nothing but tough as you can imagine, having to pick up processes all over again and getting used to working with different people with different quirks. At my old place, at least I always knew what to expect from xx. Truth to be told, there were many moments in the last 2 months that I really miss working with xx. I do not miss so much the place but really miss working with xx. He is truly the best person that I have worked with in my professional career. Like I have mentioned, it took me a long time to come to this decision and I know that it is a point of no return when I decided to take this step. I will gain a nice brand on my CV, however I have lost a good partner at work and a friend. If I were the other party, I would feel betrayed because there was simply no signals of my decision coming. It came too sudden and swift and there was no way to convince me out of it. Given my character, I sometimes do take a long time to come to a decision and when I have made up my mind to move on to a new future, no matter how much I long for the past, I will never look back regardless of how desperate I might be. That is ME and I stay true to who I am. 

I relate to this very famous tale of how a person goes on a journey to find the most suitable flower. He has only one chance to pick one flower and he will not be able to go backwards to pick a flower once he has decided to move forward. Along the way, though he saw many flowers that he liked, he never pluck a single one. He was always thinking that he will come across a better one further down the road only to realise that in the end, he ended up with no flowers at all. I am perhaps very much like the protagonist in that tale. I always wanted to move on no matter how much I like the present because I believe I will come across a better present. Maybe the previous stint would have been my best shot and I had missed it. For now, I can only keep moving on and make sure that I will enjoy every step in the future rather than reminisce about the good old days. 

For now, I need to adapt fast and it does not help that cases here are rising and I am in this conundrum of not knowing how to overcome my fear. At the start of June when I first returned to the workplace, I felt like I could live life normally again. I was forced out of my comfort zone and my time back home helped in terms of returning to normalcy. I then got hit with a false +ve test one day and I felt like I was kicked right back into my dughole. I wondered if I should have made those conversations with my colleagues, because had it being a real +ve case, I would have potentially put them at risk. I started to ponder upon my own interactions habits, how I should talk to someone, perhaps not directly to reduce the risk, etc. In a week's time, I probably have to readapt again to a "new" normal. I really long to return to some normalcy, return to the badminton court first thing first, but I just do not know how to take that step. I can take one leap of faith at a time, not multiple ones. 

Unwinding down this extremely long day

Today has been an extremely long day for me. 

5 hours of sleep and I was awakened by the need to submit my health check report and the day starts with final revision and then preparation for the exam. I must say that I was a little hesitant about enrolling in this course as I do not want to be "paying to suffer". The last 2 weeks have flown past really quickly while in quarantine with me spending an average of 6-8 hours studying each day while maintaining my routines such as stretching, home workouts, playing the guitar and what not. It was not easy to do this home online exam because they were really strict about a "clean desk" policy and the funny thing was the fact that I was on recording was completely at the back of my mind with me and my usual "curses and swears" in the background when asked to even remove the piece of paper used to facilitate my mouse. Halfway through the exam, my phone started ringing and I kinda panicked as I was afraid it would be one of those random call checks again and I was not allowed to in any way be non-visible on the webcam or whatsoever. I had to rush through the last 30 questions just to make sure that I will not be disrupted by knocks on my room door. It all ended well and I submitted the answers 45 minutes ahead of time and honestly, did not check through all the questions given the constant ringing of my phone. 

The second half of the day then revolves around the decision for me to move on. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights I had had since this opportunity popped up. I thought about all the comfort that I have right now and having to leave behind everything and start afresh. Even though I had gone through what I wanted to say at least a 1,000 times in my head, I just cannot control my own emotions while saying it. I am terrible at goodbyes but I knew I had to say everything that I wanted to say. No one truly knows what I have gone through in the past 1 year - stuck in a room for 375 days and not having any social interaction in person, going from bed to desk to kitchen and back to bed, having my favourite hobbies all stripped out from my life and then constantly struggling at a hundred things. I doubt I would have survived the year without my niece calling me on Facetime every week, my marathon chats with Chris, partying on a singing app with my sister, cousins and nieces. Indeed, the year has not been easy for anyone I believe, but given what I have gone through, I feel that I really need a change. Like I have mentioned previously, no one knows what to expect when making a change. It could be for the better or for the worst but until you try, you will never know. Once I have made up my mind to take the leap of faith, I am doing it. It was a difficult 2 hour conversation for me in the evening, having to explain my rationale for doing so and I know that it is also customary for the receiving parties to try to convince me otherwise but trust is such a heavy word sometimes. 

Who do you trust and whom can you trust?

March is coming to an end.

I am a little late this week as I was tied up with clearing work before I go on vacation and also getting ready for my return. How I feel right now is how I usually feel when I go on holidays. The period before embarking on a holiday is filled with anticipation and excitement. As the day nears, your happiness level reaches its peak. Once you are actually on your holiday, the happiness level actually declines and not increases further because it means once your holiday is over, you have to be back to face reality. I often feel this way because I look forward too much and forget to live in the moment at times. This completely reflects my current emotional state. 

I have been searching the past 1 year for an answer. I found a solution, I got really excited and when I finally got what I want, I was elated for a few days. I then seem to fall into an abyss because I started to think about the new future, the change and started to reminisce about the good old times. There were countless sleepless nights in the last three nights, when I tossed about my bed and asked myself whether this decision was right? I made the choice eventually. Now as I have to embrace this new future, my anxiety gets to a whole new level, afraid that I will not be able to cope, afraid of having to start anew, after living in isolation for a year. 

While lying on my bed, I thought about my childhood spent with my brother and cousin and the times I ran around in school, sometimes falling asleep in lectures, hanging out in the neighbourhood with my closest friends, talking about dreams and the future and hoping to grow up quickly. Now that I am all grown up, I actually wish I could go back to being a child or a teenager when life was so much simpler. All you wanted was to be able to play, eat, sleep and have fun. You did not have to care about the "future" and you could live in the moment, every single day. Indeed, there are no fairy tales in adulthood and you never know the ending of this life journey until you get there. 

The next time I write, I would be in a different place and hopefully I will feel different emotionally.