I have been wanting to hit this space of mine since 3 weeks ago when the virus episode started unfolding and all the discussions / thoughts about the end of the world potentially coming kept surrounding social media/ my friends and I. However, I procrastinated time and again and finally decided to start penning down my thoughts on this special day that comes only once every 4 years. Yes, it is 29 February today!
4 years ago today, my family and I spent it at Old Trafford on the museum tour after which we had lunch and then prepared to fly to Amsterdam the next day. It was a day to remember for sure since my brother and I had been talking about this dream for the longest time ever to one day visit Old Trafford together!
When you become an adult, time flies. It was only 2 months ago that I was writing my 2020 new year resolutions and boom, here we are going into March 2020!!! I have plans to visit Russia this year and was thinking about going to the Arctic cruise in summer this year when I get an extra two weeks off. However, with this virus spreading through Europe these days, I dare not make any plans. I just hope it comes to a conclusion as soon as possible. Occasionally, fear grips me because I live alone and I wonder what I should do if I really catch the virus. How am I going to take care of myself? The ankle sprain in December made me realise that in times of sickness, you see the true colours of people and the amount of care and concern and help that they can extend to you.
In addition to the health scares, you also feel job insecurity. It is one thing to see news of "stock market tumbles, xx billion being wiped out in a week, millionaires and billionaires losing xx billion, etc." but it is another thing when you yourself work in the finance industry and see your meetings being cancelled and leave you wondering if it is going to be a dry year again and what deals will I be doing this year? I remember 7 years ago I started a series of 31 things to talk about in a month and that was the year when I was frantically writing about things that happened to my everyday life, the people I met, the things that I am passionate about, etc.
As we welcome a new decade, I told myself that this will be the year that I want to write more once again. It does not matter if anyone reads my blog because some day when I am old and I look back, I hope this will be a space where I can reminisce about the past.
Today, I shall welcome my first post of the people in my life and the things that they taught me. Countless people enter into my life, some left footprints, some still linger while others are nowhere to be seen. I shall write about as many as I can. I need to be concise otherwise I will be writing until 12am. :)
1. Mom - People always say, "Daughters take after their mom and look to their mother as a role model." I must say that I do, but I told myself that I do not want to follow the footsteps of my mom for sure. My mom is one of the kindest persons that I have ever met in my life but what I learnt from her is that - if you try to make everyone around you happy, you make yourself unhappy. My mom was my confidant as a kid as I recall I enjoy the walks with my mom home from school and me telling her what happened in school. If I felt afraid, especially during a period of time when I first started secondary school, I will find an opportune timing to speak with my mom (it was not easy because she was burdened with work and household chores) and ask her for advice. However, I cannot recall when it was that I stopped confiding in my mom and in fact did not want to tell her anything in my life because I felt she will go around telling my relatives, neighbours, strangers that she met in the market, etc. I started to distant from my mom; we had many disagreements and before I moved overseas to study / work / live, I had a big argument with her. Yet despite all that happened, I love my mom a lot even though I always felt that she did not love me the way I wanted. Having to share my mom's love with so many people - my grandma, her siblings, my dad, my siblings, and her sense of responsibility and her OCD, it was too thin for me at times I felt. Nevertheless, I see her sacrifices so when I started working, I told myself I would like to bring my mom to see the world, to broaden her horizons, to make her feel happy and to lighten her burden. We have been to many places in the last 10 years - Thailand, Taiwan, Maldives, Beijing, Australia, Europe, Dubai, Kenya, Tanzania and Japan. If there is one place which I felt my mom truly enjoyed, it was Maldives. Just the two of us, by the sea for 4 days, my mom playing games on my phone and me lying around. When I decided to bring her to Africa, I felt that I should have brought her alone rather than with my dad because my dad would be a burden to her and she will not truly feel happy. Despite all the trips that we have taken, I never know if my mom truly felt happy when I brought her on my travels. She would always be worrying about the heap of unwashed clothes when she returns so sometimes I feel that bringing her overseas is my way of loving her but perhaps not the way she wanted. I am doing a "my mom's way of love on me" back on her. When I travel, I send my mom postcards from different places that I went to and shared with her my emotions / experiences from my travels. Ever since I reached an age when I could support myself, I tried all ways and means to make my mom happier - I started earning my own upkeep so that she did not have to worry about money be it taking on part-time jobs while studying, going for a scholarship so that she could leave her retirement funds untouched, giving her a part of my salary / bonuses so that she did not have to worry about money, buying her gifts from time to time, bringing her overseas and showing her the world through my lens with my postcards, etc. The only one thing that I had not been doing in the last 4-5 years is staying at home. So much to be said and so much left unsaid, Asian families' way of love is always left in the heart unsaid and if there is one thing I wish for my mom - I wish for her to be happy because I feel that my mom is a very negative person and all her life, she has never felt truly happy.
2. Dad - My dad thinks he is a "know-it-all"and we always joke about how he likes to GG about his childhood, his values in life, his work ethics etc. I do not always talk to my dad a lot because I find him naggy and he loves to repeat himself but I vividly recalls a few conversations that I have with him. I told him that now I am all grown-up, I have seen more in life than he does because I travelled, I moved overseas, I have a wider network so our roles have reversed. While he used to teach us morals and share with us his experiences, our experiences are now more varied than his and we know more about the world than he does. I know that my dad dotes on me a lot ever since I was a kid and towards him, it is a sense of responsibility that my siblings and I fulfil in life towards him. My dad probably did not have a great childhood, probably does not know what it means to be a father and how to be one because he did not have a role model himself, but I feel that he leads a much happier life than my mom. When I compare how I treat them, I see the difference between love and duty.
3. Brother - The most important lesson my brother gave me was the one when he told me - "Everything little thing that you do shapes up your character". I think it happened during my first/ second year in the polytechnic and that phrase really made a huge impact on me. Each time I felt that I could leave something to tomorrow, each time I felt that I could take one shortcut, each time I felt that I wanted to be rude to someone, each time I felt that I want to be selfish and end up doing something potentially inconsiderate, that phrase came to my mind and I decided to go that extra mile and put in extra effort and be more considerate. That shaped me into who I am today; I have a little bit of intelligence which enables me to pick up things quickly but that phrase coupled with my early failure in life moulded me into someone who would put in double the hard work and effort in my work because I feel that if I were to be a little lazy today, I would be a little lazy tomorrow as well and that laziness would grow and shape me into a completely different person. You never know how your words may affect a person's life so think before you speak. Like my mother, I feel that my brother is also a generally unhappy person despite him having so much love from everyone around him - my mom, my SIL, my sister and I, my cousins, etc. All of us shower him with a lot of praises and love but it seems like his heart is a bottomless pit that no amount of love, care and concern can truly fill it. Hence, I wish the same for him like my mom that someday, he will truly feel happy again. I do not know if that day will ever come but I really hope it will.
4. Sister - My sister is my real pillar of support in the last five years ever since I moved overseas. She is my confidant, my rubbish bin whom I pour all my sorrows, direct all my grouses and complaints to, etc. It can be so tiring to keep listening to someone complain but my sister takes it all in. Hence, I am really grateful for having my sister around me. I used to dislike her when I was a kid because I felt that my mom was biased towards her and loved her more than she loved me. However, having all grown up, I was able to change my perspective that if I were the more able/ capable one among the two of us, it would make more sense for my mom to love my sister a bit more and I will protect them and support them. Hence, I never once looked back at my childhood and lingered in the "my mom is biased" history and have any disdain for my sister. However, in the last 1-2 years, I could sense that my sister is also experiencing a lot in life that she is becoming a different person. It worries me because I once feel that my sister has the purest heart in the world - kindness, sympathy, empathy, love for the people around her and this 赤子之心 once eroded can never be regained. I wish the world would not taint her nature, a part of it out of my selfishness that if my sister stayed who she used to be, she would always be that pillar of support for me but also more importantly, I am afraid she will experience darkness and grow to be increasingly unhappy if she loses her nature. I remember I used to tell my sister that I really hope that she will not die before I do because I will feel lonely in a world without her and I do not want to feel lonely. However, I must say that in the last 1 year, I have started to come to terms that no one can stay the way they are for the rest of their lives - the only constant in this world is change so I have to come to accept that my sister is no longer who she was 5 years ago and I have to cope with the fact that I will be lonely in the many years to come in the future. The sense of responsibility that my sister has towards my parents and these days, I feel towards me as well, is one thing that I really fear. I do not want my sister to feel like she has a sense of responsibility towards us, that what she is doing is out of her duty and not the love she has for us but that is way beyond my control. I wish for my sister to not be tainted by the ugliness of this world.
The 4 most important people in my life since I was born - 一辈子或许很短但一瞬间可以很长. I learnt that even though you might be so reliant on someone for a good 5-10 years or even more, your relationship may not always stay the way it is for the rest of your life even though you are connected by blood. Love is... neither out of responsibility nor duty. Love should be from the heart. Perhaps I had not been spending enough time at home but I feel that I truly love my mom, my brother and sister. I always wished for the best for them, for them to be happy and I always try my best to help them and encourage them in my way, yet I have only been through perhaps half a lifetime and I could feel fatigue in our relationships and some days I feel it could break down any time. In the past, I would have no qualms about asking for a favour from my sister i.e. buy something, do something for me, etc. but these days, I sense that she might find it a chore to always have to deal with my requests. I feel sad when I think about how it has evolved into because I always feel that if we are one family, we should not feel bad / guilty about asking for a favour because that is what being family means. You do it out of love for your family but if you let such a thought seed in you, it is the start of a relationship deteriorating and hence in Chinese, a lifetime might be short but you live through so many moments in a lifetime and it is those moments that can be seemingly long and painful.
5. Bihong - Bihong is also family to me, someone whom I grew up with and always like a sister to me. I always feel that she is the most blessed among our entire family - a decent career, good looks, a loving husband now and two adorable kids, need not worry about finances, etc. For that, I hope I can protect her, protect her happiness because happiness does not come easy in life, especially for us who grew up in a disadvantaged family - low income, broken, divorced, etc. She is the only person in my family whom I envy and for that, I feel happy that I can at least envy 1 person in my entire family. 请你一定要一直幸福下去
6. Doe Doe - Watched her grew up, always felt that she would have a smooth sailing life, steady boyfriend, finally graduated from university and having her own career. I paid much less attention towards her than Efu but things took a sudden turn and her life collapsed. I always recall the time when she came to my university dorm in NUS and me helping her during PSLE. It is a bond / moment in life that you share with that someone whom you will remember for the rest of your life. After the breakup, I felt one thing towards her - negligence. I realised that I had not spent enough time with her, had not shown her enough concern because I felt that she had a better half to take care of her already. Yet in my eyes, I really feel that she is outstanding and she deserves someone who will take good care of her for the rest of her life. She shall not and cannot belong to our 'forever alone' gang, please.
7. Efu - Watched her grew up and I know I have made an impact in her life but little does she know that because of her, I will also want to better myself so that I can always be ahead of her and guide her when she feels lost. Though heartless as she may seem, I feel that she is the true embodiment of love from what she does for her parents and siblings. She is still young and has not been tainted by the ugliness of the world. She is the someone whom I talk rubbish with these days even when we are miles apart. You cannot imagine how touched I am when she told me that she want to go with me to somewhere that I have not been to, to explore the world with me because she knows that I love to travel and now that she is all grown up and can earn her own upkeep, she can travel with me rather than me playing the tour guide. :) Like my sister, I wish Efu can stay pure and innocent and continue to love the people around her.
8. Benjamin - Watched him grew up as well and seen how hard he has ploughed to get to where he wants to be. There is a Chinese saying - 帮人帮到底 送佛送到西. 2009 was the defining year for our relationship - me deciding to give this cousin of mine a push during his O levels and since then, I can only say that I am really proud of him. Always giving his best, truly wanting to become an educator and mould lives - he can continue what I left behind and ever since 2009, I always think about this cousin of mine, about how I can give him a little push whenever he needs one because since I have decided to interfere in his life back in 2009, I am going to have to do it all my life! He is this close to fulfilling his dream of becoming an educator after 11 years of biting the bullet through from poly to army to university. Please, God, bless him with strength and conviction to finally get to where he wants to because he really deserves it!
I am really tired and in line with my new 2020 NY resolution to sleep early and live a healthy lifestyle, I shall continue with this tomorrow or the day after. There are just so many people for me to write about.
Sunday, 1 March 2020
Wednesday, 1 January 2020
A brand new decade - 19 going on 20
It's really late now but I know that if I do not do this, I will simply procrastinate and end up not writing my final post for the year.
As my title says, it is 2019 turning 2020 and a brand new decade is about to begin. I have accomplished much in 2019, learnt lessons both at work and in life. As usual, the year started off really badly with me having to rush a RfP with the ED in 7 days starting from 2 Jan 2019 while little rattie visited me. I was doing all-nighters for 5 days in a row, sleeping 3-4 hours per day while juggling my work with tour guide duties. However, I was very happy to have Rattie visit me, going to the beach, desert, counting down together while watching the Burj Khalifa lit up in fireworks, albeit a little short.
Milestones: After having written "learn to play the guitar / learn to swim" 3 years in a row in 2017, 2018 and 2019, I am glad I finally signed up for guitar lessons. It is not easy I must say but I must persevere and make progress! I will leave swimming to the later half of this year which I hope I will figure out my next step with.
I GOT MY CFA CHARTER CERTIFICATION FINALLY!
Another milestone which I have hit (but not in my 2019 NY resolution) is to finally bring Granny to Japan. I took a 3 weeks break from work while making the transition from Dubai to London and we went on a trip to Hokkaido. It was not easy with Granny being hardly able to walk but thankfully we could use the wheelchair whenever we could (though pushing her was not an easy feat) and a road trip definitely helps. Being on the trip made me realise the many right decisions that I made along my life, some in the previous decade and some in this: learning how to drive when I turned 18 even though I was poor and had to scrimp and save to make it happened; YOLO solo trip to Canada in 2011 for only a week, surviving two 24h flights within 10 days to make it happened and consequently driving on my own overseas for the first time, road trip to Hokkaido with YL back in 2014 after I decided to quit my job. All these decisions led to experiences which gave me confidence to drive on the left. I believe I ticked off one of Granny's bucket list item - "Visit Japan". No doubt it was 8 years late (from 2011 to 2019) but better late than never.
The 3rd milestone would be making our 10 year anniversary trip to Taiwan. It is amazing how we managed to pull it off despite the 5 of us having such differing interests, schedules, etc. and also having Doggie onboard with us this time round. We try to recreate some of the photos we took back in 2009 but in my mind, the memories never faded. It was not about the pose or the place, but rather the people and the company that made a difference. Thank you for my sister, cousins and Doggie for being such great companions growing up and while travelling. I hope it will not be another 10 years that we do a trip together again. Going to Mayday concert in Taiwan after 10 years; enjoyed the old songs that they sang from their first 3 albums - one of my favourite songs being REN SHENG HAI HAI in their old album and probably the trigger into my Mayday fanhood and growing to like two others - YI KE PING GUO and AI QING DE MO YANG
Last but not least, I am glad I returned home for the year end countdown and brought back the present exchange tradition that we had for almost 8 or 9 years starting from 2005 or 2006. Ever since I left Singapore to pursue my ambitions abroad, this tradition has stalled. We did it differently this time round, playing the Secret Santa game, being positive by having guess the Secret Santa and doing away with the "Lousiest present award" as it can be quite detrimental to the confidence of some people (being afraid to buy a lousy present and get mocked at). I know that my family are very critical and competitive people, out of kind and good intentions to improve, but I really hope that we can seek improvement in a more positive way. Maybe it is coincidence, maybe it is fated but it seems like we received presents from people that we closely knitted with e.g. my Secret Santa being Rattie, bro's secret Santa being Er Jie, Er Jie's Secret Santa being Ade (jokes about her buying inappropriate gifts for Er Jie), etc. I really like the present a lot as I am at an age whereby I have everything that I need and have to buy the luxuries by myself so personalised items are my favourite these days. :)
I relocated from Dubai to London and it was a very difficult decision to suffer a 50% paycut knowing how much I was loving the extra cash to prepare for my flat purchase and having a strong support network in Dubai from my badminton friends. However, I am glad that I made the move as I get to learn new things and it has been such a pleasure to work with CD - how he focuses on solving problems they arise rather than fault finding, actively being involved in the brainstorming, learning from each other (albeit more of me learning from him). Moving here though made me realise that London is not as wonderful / great to live in as perceived by others. It is constantly cold and I miss the sunlight so much.
As for my interests, I made some really good friends in Dubai through badminton - K, KK, J. K really treats me like a good friend and I really appreciate his friendship! KK is fun and relaxed to hang around with and I enjoy being friends with people like him with no burden / ulterior motives. J is a great badminton partner on the court and also always reaches out to say HI. Knowing them fuelled my passion for badminton further - wanting to see myself improve, becoming a much better mixed doubles player in the span of six months with me going for 2 months of coaching. Unfortunately, I ended the "season" (year) with an ankle sprain again and I have to stop badminton (for 4 weeks now but i will rest up to 6 weeks). The injury made me more conscious of my own well-being as I believe fatigue had caused me to be injured - not sleeping much the entire week as I rush to finish my work before the holidays, rushing to the airport, rushing from the airport to meet different people and ended up not having lunch. With my muscles and body all tired and hungry, I guess I just could not sustain the single rally. I will make sure to take care of my own body better going forward. My injury also made me understand the pains that Granny has to go through - legs not having any strength to walk, not wanting to climb any flight of steps (descending is the most painful), simply wanting to sit and rest at every available opportunity. Indeed, we need to travel while we are young and fit; the money can wait; accumulation of wealth can wait but not our energy and physical strength neither can time.
Reflecting on the entire decade - so much has happened in my life:
I hope it is not just me that live by the above, but also my family and dear friends, that we will always keep a curious mind and keep becoming a better person. I know more awaits me in the new decade; probably a flat eventually, going home, etc.
2020, bring it on and I am ready!
As my title says, it is 2019 turning 2020 and a brand new decade is about to begin. I have accomplished much in 2019, learnt lessons both at work and in life. As usual, the year started off really badly with me having to rush a RfP with the ED in 7 days starting from 2 Jan 2019 while little rattie visited me. I was doing all-nighters for 5 days in a row, sleeping 3-4 hours per day while juggling my work with tour guide duties. However, I was very happy to have Rattie visit me, going to the beach, desert, counting down together while watching the Burj Khalifa lit up in fireworks, albeit a little short.
Milestones: After having written "learn to play the guitar / learn to swim" 3 years in a row in 2017, 2018 and 2019, I am glad I finally signed up for guitar lessons. It is not easy I must say but I must persevere and make progress! I will leave swimming to the later half of this year which I hope I will figure out my next step with.
I GOT MY CFA CHARTER CERTIFICATION FINALLY!
Another milestone which I have hit (but not in my 2019 NY resolution) is to finally bring Granny to Japan. I took a 3 weeks break from work while making the transition from Dubai to London and we went on a trip to Hokkaido. It was not easy with Granny being hardly able to walk but thankfully we could use the wheelchair whenever we could (though pushing her was not an easy feat) and a road trip definitely helps. Being on the trip made me realise the many right decisions that I made along my life, some in the previous decade and some in this: learning how to drive when I turned 18 even though I was poor and had to scrimp and save to make it happened; YOLO solo trip to Canada in 2011 for only a week, surviving two 24h flights within 10 days to make it happened and consequently driving on my own overseas for the first time, road trip to Hokkaido with YL back in 2014 after I decided to quit my job. All these decisions led to experiences which gave me confidence to drive on the left. I believe I ticked off one of Granny's bucket list item - "Visit Japan". No doubt it was 8 years late (from 2011 to 2019) but better late than never.
The 3rd milestone would be making our 10 year anniversary trip to Taiwan. It is amazing how we managed to pull it off despite the 5 of us having such differing interests, schedules, etc. and also having Doggie onboard with us this time round. We try to recreate some of the photos we took back in 2009 but in my mind, the memories never faded. It was not about the pose or the place, but rather the people and the company that made a difference. Thank you for my sister, cousins and Doggie for being such great companions growing up and while travelling. I hope it will not be another 10 years that we do a trip together again. Going to Mayday concert in Taiwan after 10 years; enjoyed the old songs that they sang from their first 3 albums - one of my favourite songs being REN SHENG HAI HAI in their old album and probably the trigger into my Mayday fanhood and growing to like two others - YI KE PING GUO and AI QING DE MO YANG
Last but not least, I am glad I returned home for the year end countdown and brought back the present exchange tradition that we had for almost 8 or 9 years starting from 2005 or 2006. Ever since I left Singapore to pursue my ambitions abroad, this tradition has stalled. We did it differently this time round, playing the Secret Santa game, being positive by having guess the Secret Santa and doing away with the "Lousiest present award" as it can be quite detrimental to the confidence of some people (being afraid to buy a lousy present and get mocked at). I know that my family are very critical and competitive people, out of kind and good intentions to improve, but I really hope that we can seek improvement in a more positive way. Maybe it is coincidence, maybe it is fated but it seems like we received presents from people that we closely knitted with e.g. my Secret Santa being Rattie, bro's secret Santa being Er Jie, Er Jie's Secret Santa being Ade (jokes about her buying inappropriate gifts for Er Jie), etc. I really like the present a lot as I am at an age whereby I have everything that I need and have to buy the luxuries by myself so personalised items are my favourite these days. :)
I relocated from Dubai to London and it was a very difficult decision to suffer a 50% paycut knowing how much I was loving the extra cash to prepare for my flat purchase and having a strong support network in Dubai from my badminton friends. However, I am glad that I made the move as I get to learn new things and it has been such a pleasure to work with CD - how he focuses on solving problems they arise rather than fault finding, actively being involved in the brainstorming, learning from each other (albeit more of me learning from him). Moving here though made me realise that London is not as wonderful / great to live in as perceived by others. It is constantly cold and I miss the sunlight so much.
As for my interests, I made some really good friends in Dubai through badminton - K, KK, J. K really treats me like a good friend and I really appreciate his friendship! KK is fun and relaxed to hang around with and I enjoy being friends with people like him with no burden / ulterior motives. J is a great badminton partner on the court and also always reaches out to say HI. Knowing them fuelled my passion for badminton further - wanting to see myself improve, becoming a much better mixed doubles player in the span of six months with me going for 2 months of coaching. Unfortunately, I ended the "season" (year) with an ankle sprain again and I have to stop badminton (for 4 weeks now but i will rest up to 6 weeks). The injury made me more conscious of my own well-being as I believe fatigue had caused me to be injured - not sleeping much the entire week as I rush to finish my work before the holidays, rushing to the airport, rushing from the airport to meet different people and ended up not having lunch. With my muscles and body all tired and hungry, I guess I just could not sustain the single rally. I will make sure to take care of my own body better going forward. My injury also made me understand the pains that Granny has to go through - legs not having any strength to walk, not wanting to climb any flight of steps (descending is the most painful), simply wanting to sit and rest at every available opportunity. Indeed, we need to travel while we are young and fit; the money can wait; accumulation of wealth can wait but not our energy and physical strength neither can time.
Reflecting on the entire decade - so much has happened in my life:
- Started my professional career and quitting after 4.5 years
- Fulfilled my ambition to become a global citizen - having studied my Masters in Europe and eventually working in New York, Dubai and now London
- Interned at the UN to have a glimpse of the work of international organisations
- Lived in so many different countries in the last decade - Singapore, UK, Spain, Brazil, US and UAE
- Attained the CFA charter finally in Oct 2019 after the thought of getting it first seeded in 2012 as I told myself that I have to move on to a 2nd career which interests me more; 3 years of reading over 30,000 pages of the exam materials, hours buried in the JE library after work, on the weekends and what not, sleeping 1 hour before CFA II exams and worried that I could not pass
- Starting a 2nd career in IB - this was one thing that I would never have expected a decade ago, not even 7 years ago when I signed up for the CFA examinations or 5 years ago when I packed my bag to pursue my dreams thousand of miles away from home
- Crossed the mark of visiting 60 countries truly being a globetrotter now
The people and experiences that have left a mark on me in this decade:
- Overseas adventures - Africa, Bhutan, Balkans, South America
- Doggie's decade
- YL, N, Tom, K (more for sure but so far these few) plus not forgetting my CDGJ buddies
- Love story of SJK/ SHK and probably AS/JC - embodiment of love and fairy tales when they first got together but their divorce really shocked me and made me wonder if true love really exists? AS / JC - not sure if there is really love but if indeed yes, what stops them from pursuing it? What are the chances of us meeting someone that we really love and gets love in return? It happens but I have very little faith in these things
I can go on and on but I would need to sleep soon. I sum up my decade with the following:
No one has the right to judge you because no one really knows what you have been through. They might have heard the stories, but they didn't feel what you felt in your heart.
Moving forward, I hope I continue to live a fulfilling life in this brand new decade:
- Master one song on the guitar - preferably Mayday's song
- Visit Russia
- Go on a family trip with my nieces (C, A) though this is probably beyond my control
- Live a healthier lifestyle - sleep earlier, more fruits (twice per week?) / vegetables, less chocolates and sweets, cutting away my snacking behaviour of eating chocolates everyday HAHAHA!
- Figure out my next step for this new decade - where next? what next?
- Look beyond others' judgment and live life / deal with work such that I am not subjected to anyone's whims and fancies
- I hope my skin condition (face) improves - have been plagued by this acne problem ever since I left Singapore and sometimes I do not even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore :(
We keep moving forward, opening new doors and new things, because we are curious. And curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.
I hope it is not just me that live by the above, but also my family and dear friends, that we will always keep a curious mind and keep becoming a better person. I know more awaits me in the new decade; probably a flat eventually, going home, etc.
2020, bring it on and I am ready!
Sunday, 7 July 2019
A new life, new thoughts
Yes, I made the transition from Dubai to London and have finally settled down in London after 1.5 months - exams cleared, IT settled, found a place to stay, some social badminton, etc. but I honestly miss my life in Dubai.
Taking a severe pay cut was one of the things that I managed to come to terms with pretty quickly since I knew it was going to happen and it was all about managing expectations. I enjoy living in London, since it's summer now, weather is cooling and lots of events happen in London all the time. Changing a team was a good move as well - my direct boss is someone who is really kind and I truly enjoy working with him, hitherto. In terms of work, given that I was highly valued in Dubai, I was given all the interesting projects to work on but here in London, it is not always so but I still hope I can learn as much as I can.
Back to my personal life, the first few weeks when I was here, I was busy with exams, settling in, etc. and all I did was sleep the weekends away given that I had to work late all the time during the weekdays, so much so that it has made me kinda lazy. I recently read an article about the importance of discipline - how it is painful to discipline ourselves and exert restraint in our daily lives - eating the right kind of food, exercising, staying committed, etc. I feel that I have discipline when it comes to certain things but truly lacks discipline when it comes to many things.
One, I eat too much chocolate and sweet stuff here in the UK. Since I was here, I have eaten close to 4 packets of this really nice chocolate and hazelnut crepes from Lidl, 3 packets of x16 M&S teacakes, countless bars of chocolates, nuts and chocolate raisins. I think it is really unhealthy to have so much sugar intake though I go to the gym and all. This is worse than when I was in Dubai when I used to buy tons of chocolate bars, feast on Tim Tam's, nutella bars, etc. when I had to work late into the night. I have been telling myself that I need to put a stop to all these snacks but I always feel that why make my life so difficult and stop myself from eating all these snacks that I truly love? Life is short, I I should enjoy it while it lasts.
Then I decided to join a running group that my family started to clock 50km of running within a month. i am 9 days away and I have clocked only 24.6km, not even halfway. To get to 50km, it means i would have to run an average of 3km per day. It is not just the running for me I feel, it is also the aftermath of cleaning the dirty and soiled clothes that I absolutely dread and also the inner desire within me - I do not feel compelled to accomplish the challenge. I tried to discipline myself in other ways though - I signed up for bike sharing to force myself to cycle to work and back because I paid for it so I would feel compelled to use the service but I do not know how long I can sustain it before I will eventually give up. Hahaha! There is one thing that I managed to convince myself to keep up with and that is badminton - I looked for groups to join and I would even travel 45-50mins just so I can play badminton.
I told myself to read up more about my work, to brush my knowledge and I have been doing so during my free time but question is - for how long can I keep it up before I get sick and tired again? Almost half of the people from my analyst class has left the bank and went on to pursue greener pastures and I was telling my sis that at times, I wonder if I should? I do not think that I am weaker than them in terms of ability but I just do not know what to do next? I enjoy my current work, albeit the crazy hours. Many a times, the crazy hours can simply be avoided in my humble opinion but given that I am in one of the best jobs (IMO again), I do not see myself quitting IB and going to some other field. Some of my friends have moved on to do their own startups, others to private equity, some to SWFs, and others to corporates etc. What about me? For me, I only want to become better - go to a better firm or a strong PE firm but I am afraid of the endless competition tbh. All my life, I have been competing or rather forced to compete and I cannot help feel tired at times.
I have been lying in my bed - been on youtube or sleeping for 2 Saturday's, like it or not. I enjoy nua-ing on my bed and it gives me utility to not do anything, having fried my brain for the entire week at work but sometimes I feel guilty for doing what I do. I feel like I am wasting my time away lying on my bed. I had wanted to go watch Wimbledon today but I wasn't up for queuing for tickets in the wee hours of the morning hence I gave up after having woken up at 11.30 am.
I moved on from Dubai to London. Although I do miss my friends in Dubai a lot, I knew I had to move on. Dubai is a transient place and my friends will move away from Dubai some day too. It was only a matter of time and hence I told myself that I have to move on. It was not difficult for me to settle into London emotionally, particularly helped by the weather (very good thus far), because it has its own charms and I still get to do the things that I enjoy - badminton. However, I never felt guilty when I used to lie around at home in Dubai on my Saturdays. I played badminton for 4 hours on Friday usually and I would usually sleep my Saturday away before going back to work on Sunday so why do I feel differently here in London?
The fact that I am in Europe now, I could always take the weekend to travel somewhere and especially since I am such a "travelholic". However, I do not see myself doing so. Some days I just feel that I have been to all these places and what is the point of me going there on my own again?
I am blogging because I feel that I need a change in my life - which is why I chose to move to London but I see myself lingering in my old self in Dubai - nua-ing on the weekends and seemingly missing the tax-free income hahahaha...
How does it feel to be not unhappy but not feeling happy either?
Taking a severe pay cut was one of the things that I managed to come to terms with pretty quickly since I knew it was going to happen and it was all about managing expectations. I enjoy living in London, since it's summer now, weather is cooling and lots of events happen in London all the time. Changing a team was a good move as well - my direct boss is someone who is really kind and I truly enjoy working with him, hitherto. In terms of work, given that I was highly valued in Dubai, I was given all the interesting projects to work on but here in London, it is not always so but I still hope I can learn as much as I can.
Back to my personal life, the first few weeks when I was here, I was busy with exams, settling in, etc. and all I did was sleep the weekends away given that I had to work late all the time during the weekdays, so much so that it has made me kinda lazy. I recently read an article about the importance of discipline - how it is painful to discipline ourselves and exert restraint in our daily lives - eating the right kind of food, exercising, staying committed, etc. I feel that I have discipline when it comes to certain things but truly lacks discipline when it comes to many things.
One, I eat too much chocolate and sweet stuff here in the UK. Since I was here, I have eaten close to 4 packets of this really nice chocolate and hazelnut crepes from Lidl, 3 packets of x16 M&S teacakes, countless bars of chocolates, nuts and chocolate raisins. I think it is really unhealthy to have so much sugar intake though I go to the gym and all. This is worse than when I was in Dubai when I used to buy tons of chocolate bars, feast on Tim Tam's, nutella bars, etc. when I had to work late into the night. I have been telling myself that I need to put a stop to all these snacks but I always feel that why make my life so difficult and stop myself from eating all these snacks that I truly love? Life is short, I I should enjoy it while it lasts.
Then I decided to join a running group that my family started to clock 50km of running within a month. i am 9 days away and I have clocked only 24.6km, not even halfway. To get to 50km, it means i would have to run an average of 3km per day. It is not just the running for me I feel, it is also the aftermath of cleaning the dirty and soiled clothes that I absolutely dread and also the inner desire within me - I do not feel compelled to accomplish the challenge. I tried to discipline myself in other ways though - I signed up for bike sharing to force myself to cycle to work and back because I paid for it so I would feel compelled to use the service but I do not know how long I can sustain it before I will eventually give up. Hahaha! There is one thing that I managed to convince myself to keep up with and that is badminton - I looked for groups to join and I would even travel 45-50mins just so I can play badminton.
I told myself to read up more about my work, to brush my knowledge and I have been doing so during my free time but question is - for how long can I keep it up before I get sick and tired again? Almost half of the people from my analyst class has left the bank and went on to pursue greener pastures and I was telling my sis that at times, I wonder if I should? I do not think that I am weaker than them in terms of ability but I just do not know what to do next? I enjoy my current work, albeit the crazy hours. Many a times, the crazy hours can simply be avoided in my humble opinion but given that I am in one of the best jobs (IMO again), I do not see myself quitting IB and going to some other field. Some of my friends have moved on to do their own startups, others to private equity, some to SWFs, and others to corporates etc. What about me? For me, I only want to become better - go to a better firm or a strong PE firm but I am afraid of the endless competition tbh. All my life, I have been competing or rather forced to compete and I cannot help feel tired at times.
I have been lying in my bed - been on youtube or sleeping for 2 Saturday's, like it or not. I enjoy nua-ing on my bed and it gives me utility to not do anything, having fried my brain for the entire week at work but sometimes I feel guilty for doing what I do. I feel like I am wasting my time away lying on my bed. I had wanted to go watch Wimbledon today but I wasn't up for queuing for tickets in the wee hours of the morning hence I gave up after having woken up at 11.30 am.
I moved on from Dubai to London. Although I do miss my friends in Dubai a lot, I knew I had to move on. Dubai is a transient place and my friends will move away from Dubai some day too. It was only a matter of time and hence I told myself that I have to move on. It was not difficult for me to settle into London emotionally, particularly helped by the weather (very good thus far), because it has its own charms and I still get to do the things that I enjoy - badminton. However, I never felt guilty when I used to lie around at home in Dubai on my Saturdays. I played badminton for 4 hours on Friday usually and I would usually sleep my Saturday away before going back to work on Sunday so why do I feel differently here in London?
The fact that I am in Europe now, I could always take the weekend to travel somewhere and especially since I am such a "travelholic". However, I do not see myself doing so. Some days I just feel that I have been to all these places and what is the point of me going there on my own again?
I am blogging because I feel that I need a change in my life - which is why I chose to move to London but I see myself lingering in my old self in Dubai - nua-ing on the weekends and seemingly missing the tax-free income hahahaha...
How does it feel to be not unhappy but not feeling happy either?
Thursday, 14 March 2019
The finale
Unknowingly, it has been 2 years since I moved to Dubai. When I first moved here, there was so much uncertainty, whether I would be able to secure a full-time job eventually, what the future entails for me, etc. 2 years on, I have learnt so much from my time here and now that I am going to leave, I am going to miss this place dearly. If you never have to get involved with the authorities here, be it for utilities, telecommunications, driving license, housing, etc., there is really no reason for you to not like this place. Only occasionally do bureaucracy hits you and when things do not get going. There is so much freedom and liberty here; in the middle of the world in a sense - get to anywhere in the world in 15 hours or less. It is safe and there are tons of things that you can do here. Some people told me that everything here is fake - mould of something else in the world but this is really one thing that does not bother me at all. It is a desert to begin with so the nation was built from scratch. The friends that I have made here, especially the friends at badminton, are truly amazing and I will miss everyone when I pack my bags and leave in 1.5 months time.
At work, I want to make my departure as seamless as possible - I felt that I did everything that I could to leave the team in the most amicable way but I feel that people do not think likewise for me. A mentor at work - once a mentor, always a mentor to me. No matter how frustrated I get at him at times, I will never forget the kindness that he has shown me and that gratitude constantly reminds me to give and take and go the extra mile for every piece of work that he assigns for me. However, I could sense the hostility these days and I had not spoken a word to him outside of work ever since the day I broke the news of my desire to rotate. Nevertheless, I kept telling myself - whatever happens here stays here. I am not going to bring my prejudices here to the future but I cannot say so about the people here. I can almost sense who are the people who will hold grudges and continue to make my life difficult even after I move on. For that, I take my hat off to my ex-colleague who had the courage to stand up to "bullying" and provided the feedback. Some said he's stupid, some said he made the wrong move but what I saw was him preserving his last bit of dignity to do something for himself.
Also, as I count down towards the last days of my time here, I felt upset about the kind of trust that I can have in someone only to feel betrayal when I least expected it. There should be no friendships in an office; I hold to that and shall remember it by heart. When there is a conflict of interest, any friend would not hesitate to sacrifice this so-called "friendship" to preserve his livelihood or to ensure his or her own promotion / survival. I do not know how to deal with this mess that I have right in front of me; silence is my only weapon to deal with adversities. At times, I let my emotions get the better of me and perhaps said things that I should not have to so I shall be mindful to always keep my cool and keep quiet when I am angry / unhappy / upset / disappointed except only to confide in my sister who will never betray me at least.
I am going to miss this place so so much but it is time for new adventures. After London, I really do not know where else I could possibly go......
At work, I want to make my departure as seamless as possible - I felt that I did everything that I could to leave the team in the most amicable way but I feel that people do not think likewise for me. A mentor at work - once a mentor, always a mentor to me. No matter how frustrated I get at him at times, I will never forget the kindness that he has shown me and that gratitude constantly reminds me to give and take and go the extra mile for every piece of work that he assigns for me. However, I could sense the hostility these days and I had not spoken a word to him outside of work ever since the day I broke the news of my desire to rotate. Nevertheless, I kept telling myself - whatever happens here stays here. I am not going to bring my prejudices here to the future but I cannot say so about the people here. I can almost sense who are the people who will hold grudges and continue to make my life difficult even after I move on. For that, I take my hat off to my ex-colleague who had the courage to stand up to "bullying" and provided the feedback. Some said he's stupid, some said he made the wrong move but what I saw was him preserving his last bit of dignity to do something for himself.
Also, as I count down towards the last days of my time here, I felt upset about the kind of trust that I can have in someone only to feel betrayal when I least expected it. There should be no friendships in an office; I hold to that and shall remember it by heart. When there is a conflict of interest, any friend would not hesitate to sacrifice this so-called "friendship" to preserve his livelihood or to ensure his or her own promotion / survival. I do not know how to deal with this mess that I have right in front of me; silence is my only weapon to deal with adversities. At times, I let my emotions get the better of me and perhaps said things that I should not have to so I shall be mindful to always keep my cool and keep quiet when I am angry / unhappy / upset / disappointed except only to confide in my sister who will never betray me at least.
I am going to miss this place so so much but it is time for new adventures. After London, I really do not know where else I could possibly go......
Saturday, 29 December 2018
19, last before the new decade
19, last before the new decade.
It is to my biggest surprise and horror that I only wrote one post in 2018, which is my year-end reflections for 2017. I was writing but albeit on a different channel I guess. This year, I have decided to write my post much earlier because I will not have time to write it in the next few days.
As usual, my year started off on a terrible footing, with me having second thoughts about what I was accomplishing in my career 11 days into the new year. However, I kept telling myself that I needed the experience as well as the dollar to sustain my lifestyle and fund my adventures. I have lost count of the number of times I let myself go in the bathroom in the office as well as pour my grouses to my colleague and sister. With the departure of two colleagues in the team, I would say that my role took on a different dimension. I was more valued and I am glad I did not disappoint because I dealt with the demands and pressure of the job fittingly.
Milestones:
Stroke off Africa and "saving money" on my 2018 resolutions and unfortunately I was not getting anywhere with learning guitar and swimming. I tried contacting different swimming instructors to learn swimming but somehow it never took off. I shall try again in 2019 but I realise that I indeed have a fear for water. I just cannot imagine myself swimming. On top of Africa, I also went to Bhutan, Nepal, Bahrain and Oman on an impromptu basis and if there is one thing that I know I truly love in life, it is travelling. I had so many insights from my travels which I will have it all penned down today as part of my reflections.
The trip to Africa was indeed an eye-opener. I used to have this crazy idea of "going to Africa to make a difference" with a few of my ex-students. We felt that we have to make an impact in life somehow and this was something that was achievable. However, after this trip, I am having different insights, besides the fact that I have completely lost touch with those students of mine and they are probably now busy in the rat race. When I was in Africa, I realised that the people have their own way of living and being rich is not the only definition of happiness. I do not know if it is a fortunate or unfortunate thing that money is one of the many elements that actually brings about happiness to me. Perhaps it is due to my upbringing whereby I grew up seeing my parents struggling to make ends meet, hence I fear poverty; I fear not being able to buy what I need and want in life. Having my branded bags and a decent lifestyle is important and brings me satisfaction and happiness. I know I am being materialistic / realistic or whatever you would like to define it but if you are someone who truly does not feel that you need money, take a step back and think if you are being superficial. A part of what contributes to my personality is also the country that we live in. Having travelled so much all these years, I come to realise one thing. Many countries might be poor but they are self-sufficient - huge plots of land and abundance of food hence they do not need money if they can fill their stomachs. In contrast, we need money for everything - food, water and rent - basic necessities. Hence, what we amass is money so that we can afford to buy what we want. Nevertheless, I am not obsessed with money such that I need to become a millionaire, fly first class and stay in Anantara resorts worldwide. I just need enough money to live without worries, travel whenever I have time and that makes me happy. Going back to Africa, I feel that people from developed countries might be trying to do too much to "help" poor countries. They have their way of life and have not evolved from a more primitive lifestyle but SO WHAT? Not everyone has to travel to 30 countries in their lifetime, be a doctor / lawyer / banker and own an apartment or a car to be HAPPY. Instead, sometimes I feel that with tourism and us flaunting our wealth with tips, flashy clothes and branded bags, it creates envy and consequently create a global trend for happiness to be equated to being a Hollywood star. Let Nature takes its course and do not see people in Africa as being poor. Yes, they might not have fancy clothes like us, big houses or fancy cars but that does not mean that they are unhappy. Let's not try to excessively converge the world into a global world of greed. I am materialistic because I was brought up in such an environment but I do not hope that people all around the world would someday all have the same thinking / aspirations as me. Everyone is different and is entitled to a different lifestyle. That was my biggest takeaway from the trip to Africa.
Next, I then went to Bhutan and Nepal and it was an entirely new level of experience. Bhutan, known as the country that pursues a Gross National Happiness index rather than a GDP. I know that it is a Buddhist country and hence I had perceptions of it being conservative and what not. However, travelling is to correct the misconceptions that you have of a certain country. No doubt it is a Buddhist country but the Bhutanese people are one of the most liberal groups of people. They are very well exposed to the world, and not closed at all. The decision to travel solo is always a difficult one to make but I am glad I did, otherwise my guides would have been more cordial with me and not show and tell me the real Bhutan lying beneath the Buddhist and peace loving front, if I had travelled with my sister or mother. I learnt three important concepts in Buddhist teachings while I am there - attachment, anger and ignorance. This is what makes my commit mistakes and act rashly.
Then it was Nepal. The country is beautiful but unfortunately, I really struggled with the air quality and traffic while in Kathmandu. I find it such a pity that despite having such amazing Nature, the people had to suffer in such a manner. Compared to Bhutan, Nepal is way poorer and when I think about the reasons contributing to it, no food security in Nepal unlike Bhutan. Hence, people have to go after the penny to make ends meet. After the earthquake, despite help pouring in, conditions have not improved at all. However, I would not say that they seem like an unhappy lot. People are generally friendly and helpful still. While in Nepal, a friend brought me to Pashupati and what she shared with me really inspired me a lot. She said that the day we die, we are all going to be gone with the wind in the same way whether we were a rich man or a poor one. Our bodies will be burnt and ashes flowing down the river into the sea. To me, we all have the same destination in life, the only difference would be the journey. Everyone would interpret this differently as well.
Some people will be thinking:
"Since we are all going to be dead eventually, why bother being a "nice" person and get taken advantage of? I shall do whatever that I can to live the best life possible and enjoy life as much as I can"
For me, I look at this as a way to live my life as fulfillingly as possible, doing the things that I enjoy the most in life. Be less calculative, be more generous, be more forgiving and giving since you cannot bring whatever that you own in this life into the next life. No doubt one of my 2018 resolutions was to save money but then again, sometimes I ask myself, "I have no children and if I were to die today, I have no responsibilities. Why do I have to save so hard?" I should just live life the way I want it. I worked so hard to become a banker and finally can afford a luxurious lifestyle, why still bother saving money? I then realise that I have nothing to live for in life to be honest. What desires do I have that are deemed critical to my existence? Nothing! I am going through motion in life but I have no ultimate aim. I have no desire to become a millionaire (I cannot bring the money with me anyway), neither do I have the desire to become a CEO or whatever. I need to work because I need to be engaged and constantly be facing challenges and solving problems. I need to travel because I enjoy meeting people from different cultures and being in Nature, only to come to realisation of how miniscule I am in this world. I need to be able to continue playing sports - badminton / tennis, etc. because I truly love the game - the battle, the placing of a shot, working together with another person to achieving a common goal. I need to spend time with my family / friends because I value the conversations that I had with them; they bring me happiness. Also, while in Bhutan / Nepal, it struck upon me that people struggle to earn a buck or two while I live lavishly and spend tons of money on shoes/ clothes/ etc. However, it is not about feeling guilty about spending the money. Rather, it made me realise how fortunate I am that I have the ability to be able to earn more than others and hence afford my habits. It was also a reminder to myself that the next time I want to splurge on the next big thing, think of how many mouths I could potentially feed with it. Nevertheless, I do not think that I am Saint enough to then stop spending. It is one thing to be thankful / grateful but it is another to become a miser and mistreat myself. Some might disagree but this is how I look at it.
Moving forward, my 2019 resolutions and I hope this time round, I will accomplish more.
1. Learn to play the guitar
2. Learn to swim
3. Be more patient
I have no more desires for visiting xx country I realise because I have been to most places that I want to visit and these days, every additional country that I visit is counted as a blessing.
It is to my biggest surprise and horror that I only wrote one post in 2018, which is my year-end reflections for 2017. I was writing but albeit on a different channel I guess. This year, I have decided to write my post much earlier because I will not have time to write it in the next few days.
As usual, my year started off on a terrible footing, with me having second thoughts about what I was accomplishing in my career 11 days into the new year. However, I kept telling myself that I needed the experience as well as the dollar to sustain my lifestyle and fund my adventures. I have lost count of the number of times I let myself go in the bathroom in the office as well as pour my grouses to my colleague and sister. With the departure of two colleagues in the team, I would say that my role took on a different dimension. I was more valued and I am glad I did not disappoint because I dealt with the demands and pressure of the job fittingly.
Milestones:
Stroke off Africa and "saving money" on my 2018 resolutions and unfortunately I was not getting anywhere with learning guitar and swimming. I tried contacting different swimming instructors to learn swimming but somehow it never took off. I shall try again in 2019 but I realise that I indeed have a fear for water. I just cannot imagine myself swimming. On top of Africa, I also went to Bhutan, Nepal, Bahrain and Oman on an impromptu basis and if there is one thing that I know I truly love in life, it is travelling. I had so many insights from my travels which I will have it all penned down today as part of my reflections.
The trip to Africa was indeed an eye-opener. I used to have this crazy idea of "going to Africa to make a difference" with a few of my ex-students. We felt that we have to make an impact in life somehow and this was something that was achievable. However, after this trip, I am having different insights, besides the fact that I have completely lost touch with those students of mine and they are probably now busy in the rat race. When I was in Africa, I realised that the people have their own way of living and being rich is not the only definition of happiness. I do not know if it is a fortunate or unfortunate thing that money is one of the many elements that actually brings about happiness to me. Perhaps it is due to my upbringing whereby I grew up seeing my parents struggling to make ends meet, hence I fear poverty; I fear not being able to buy what I need and want in life. Having my branded bags and a decent lifestyle is important and brings me satisfaction and happiness. I know I am being materialistic / realistic or whatever you would like to define it but if you are someone who truly does not feel that you need money, take a step back and think if you are being superficial. A part of what contributes to my personality is also the country that we live in. Having travelled so much all these years, I come to realise one thing. Many countries might be poor but they are self-sufficient - huge plots of land and abundance of food hence they do not need money if they can fill their stomachs. In contrast, we need money for everything - food, water and rent - basic necessities. Hence, what we amass is money so that we can afford to buy what we want. Nevertheless, I am not obsessed with money such that I need to become a millionaire, fly first class and stay in Anantara resorts worldwide. I just need enough money to live without worries, travel whenever I have time and that makes me happy. Going back to Africa, I feel that people from developed countries might be trying to do too much to "help" poor countries. They have their way of life and have not evolved from a more primitive lifestyle but SO WHAT? Not everyone has to travel to 30 countries in their lifetime, be a doctor / lawyer / banker and own an apartment or a car to be HAPPY. Instead, sometimes I feel that with tourism and us flaunting our wealth with tips, flashy clothes and branded bags, it creates envy and consequently create a global trend for happiness to be equated to being a Hollywood star. Let Nature takes its course and do not see people in Africa as being poor. Yes, they might not have fancy clothes like us, big houses or fancy cars but that does not mean that they are unhappy. Let's not try to excessively converge the world into a global world of greed. I am materialistic because I was brought up in such an environment but I do not hope that people all around the world would someday all have the same thinking / aspirations as me. Everyone is different and is entitled to a different lifestyle. That was my biggest takeaway from the trip to Africa.
Next, I then went to Bhutan and Nepal and it was an entirely new level of experience. Bhutan, known as the country that pursues a Gross National Happiness index rather than a GDP. I know that it is a Buddhist country and hence I had perceptions of it being conservative and what not. However, travelling is to correct the misconceptions that you have of a certain country. No doubt it is a Buddhist country but the Bhutanese people are one of the most liberal groups of people. They are very well exposed to the world, and not closed at all. The decision to travel solo is always a difficult one to make but I am glad I did, otherwise my guides would have been more cordial with me and not show and tell me the real Bhutan lying beneath the Buddhist and peace loving front, if I had travelled with my sister or mother. I learnt three important concepts in Buddhist teachings while I am there - attachment, anger and ignorance. This is what makes my commit mistakes and act rashly.
Then it was Nepal. The country is beautiful but unfortunately, I really struggled with the air quality and traffic while in Kathmandu. I find it such a pity that despite having such amazing Nature, the people had to suffer in such a manner. Compared to Bhutan, Nepal is way poorer and when I think about the reasons contributing to it, no food security in Nepal unlike Bhutan. Hence, people have to go after the penny to make ends meet. After the earthquake, despite help pouring in, conditions have not improved at all. However, I would not say that they seem like an unhappy lot. People are generally friendly and helpful still. While in Nepal, a friend brought me to Pashupati and what she shared with me really inspired me a lot. She said that the day we die, we are all going to be gone with the wind in the same way whether we were a rich man or a poor one. Our bodies will be burnt and ashes flowing down the river into the sea. To me, we all have the same destination in life, the only difference would be the journey. Everyone would interpret this differently as well.
Some people will be thinking:
"Since we are all going to be dead eventually, why bother being a "nice" person and get taken advantage of? I shall do whatever that I can to live the best life possible and enjoy life as much as I can"
For me, I look at this as a way to live my life as fulfillingly as possible, doing the things that I enjoy the most in life. Be less calculative, be more generous, be more forgiving and giving since you cannot bring whatever that you own in this life into the next life. No doubt one of my 2018 resolutions was to save money but then again, sometimes I ask myself, "I have no children and if I were to die today, I have no responsibilities. Why do I have to save so hard?" I should just live life the way I want it. I worked so hard to become a banker and finally can afford a luxurious lifestyle, why still bother saving money? I then realise that I have nothing to live for in life to be honest. What desires do I have that are deemed critical to my existence? Nothing! I am going through motion in life but I have no ultimate aim. I have no desire to become a millionaire (I cannot bring the money with me anyway), neither do I have the desire to become a CEO or whatever. I need to work because I need to be engaged and constantly be facing challenges and solving problems. I need to travel because I enjoy meeting people from different cultures and being in Nature, only to come to realisation of how miniscule I am in this world. I need to be able to continue playing sports - badminton / tennis, etc. because I truly love the game - the battle, the placing of a shot, working together with another person to achieving a common goal. I need to spend time with my family / friends because I value the conversations that I had with them; they bring me happiness. Also, while in Bhutan / Nepal, it struck upon me that people struggle to earn a buck or two while I live lavishly and spend tons of money on shoes/ clothes/ etc. However, it is not about feeling guilty about spending the money. Rather, it made me realise how fortunate I am that I have the ability to be able to earn more than others and hence afford my habits. It was also a reminder to myself that the next time I want to splurge on the next big thing, think of how many mouths I could potentially feed with it. Nevertheless, I do not think that I am Saint enough to then stop spending. It is one thing to be thankful / grateful but it is another to become a miser and mistreat myself. Some might disagree but this is how I look at it.
Moving forward, my 2019 resolutions and I hope this time round, I will accomplish more.
1. Learn to play the guitar
2. Learn to swim
3. Be more patient
I have no more desires for visiting xx country I realise because I have been to most places that I want to visit and these days, every additional country that I visit is counted as a blessing.
Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to itThe only one thing which I have always been struggling with is when will I then finally return to Singapore? Truth to be told, I do not want to return even though I really miss my family. I love living in Dubai, having my own comfort space, having a job to keep me occupied, playing badminton and travelling. To me, this is the life that I sought after. There is so much convenience and security here and at least, I have not found something that tells me I should leave immediately. However, I know that this is a temporary arrangement and the older I get, the more I will need my family and friends. I hate to be back in a small compressed city to face peer pressure, competition and what not. We will see what awaits me in 2019. Happy New Year and I will try to blog more in 2019!
Monday, 1 January 2018
(20)18 all over again
Time of the year when my blog knocks and I have to be back to write my final post for the year. Yesterday, everyone started posting photos of themselves when they were 18 and I did not understand the significance of it but at this very moment, I finally did! What was I doing when I was an 18 year old? My blog had not existed at that time and given my goldfish memory, I can barely remember what happened that year.
2017 started off a little rocky but the terrain got better as the year progressed. This was a complete opposite to my 2016. I vividly remembered how I felt at this time of the year, trying so hard to figure out my next step and had to constantly encourage myself to persevere to get to my next destination. I mentioned that I should count my blessings if I managed to get a full-time job in the shortest time possible and thankfully, I achieved what I want faster than expected.
Milestones:
Indeed, I did get a full-time job in finance. I barged my way into one of the hardest industries in the world, IB. It is all glam and glamour to the outsider because of the salary it commands. To me, having this job helped me get back to the level of financial security that I desire and which keeps me from worrying. I can then start to focus on achieving other things in life. Somehow, my prayers were answered. I read something on this very last day that says, "幸福都是奋斗出来的”, which means that happiness is something that you have to fight for. I do not disagree with that but I think we should also be thankful when our effort can translate into happiness. There are so many people out there who work so hard to fight for what they want but failed to accomplish what they set out to achieve. I need not brag or remind others about how hard I had worked before I landed this job, no one really cares about the blood, tears and sweat behind the scenes; everyone focuses on the outcome but I am grateful that I got what I wished for through my hard work and never-say-die attitude, coupled with the support and prayers from my family. Transiting from 2016 to 2017 has indeed brought out my resilience and made myself know that I still can give physically and mentally a lot more than I think I do. Perhaps without going through the last few months of 2016, I would not have been able to bite the bullet and pull myself through 2017.
I am a forward-looking person, always thinking a step ahead and consequently, I forget to live in the moment. Being in this job has definitely taught me this one important tip to life. My job does not give me the ability to plan my schedule ahead because there are always last minute disruptions and plans have to change. As such, whenever I have free time, I do not procrastinate and embark on the activities that I want to do and appreciate whatever pockets of free time that I could use to travel, explore and engage in the activities that I enjoyed doing. Having lost control of my own time and trading off my freedom for the pound made me felt lost in the beginning but humans are highly flexible and adaptable and with the passage of time, I worked my way around my limited control over my free time.
Besides that, I spent 2017 by myself a lot. I remembered how uncomfortable I was this time of last year when I had to be at a gathering which I felt so out of place and when I finally got to the gym on the first day of the new year, I felt freed. My takeaway from this year was that, you could be with a throng of people yet felt lonely within yet your heart could be so filled when you are sitting alone blogging. Life has such contrasts at times. Nevertheless, I do feel lonely more in 2017 than in the first 1.5 years after I left home to pursue my dreams in 2015. I find myself missing my family a lot more, because I am someone who needs interaction constantly, having others share their life experiences with me and vice versa. That said, I do not like spending time with people who do not matter. However, if you pass judgment too quickly and deem the other party as someone whom you are not interested in spending time with or engaging in conversations without really understanding the person's background and what the person has to say, you will lose a potential friend. Fortunately or unfortunately, my life has taken that turn and I often have to make such decisions owing to the time constraint that I have. The downside of my job is that it makes me more pragmatic more than ever and value my time like a diamond, limited and priceless.
You gain some and you lose some. I went back to playing badminton regularly after moving here and that has become the biggest part of my social life. My passion for the game is burning and I constantly want to improve my game play and criticism is often the motivating factor for me to find a breakthrough in my game.
For all that I have achieved, there are areas where I still need to work on. I did not strike #1 off my 2017 new year resolutions. Making the first move to buy a guitar was right but that desire to learn to play the guitar was only sustained for 4 weeks before I got engulfed by work completely, travelled back home then to London and left the guitar to collect dust in a corner of my home. That shall be my 2018's resolution again.
Moving forward to 2018, my life is back on track on the rat race and I have had to once again prepare myself for the mountain of work that I have to face when the new quarter starts.
2018 resolutions:
1. Learn to play the guitar
2. Visit Africa and go on a safari
3. Learn swimming (I wrote this down but I know that I am unlikely to accomplish it. I have always had a fear for water and I do not know how I could overcome this).
4. Save money!
5. Volunteer!
6. Be giving, appreciative and judge less
JC once said that Mandarin pop is better than Western music. For me, it is not the melody rather than the lyrics. If you understand mandarin, you will understand how well the language can paint a picture. While others say a picture paint a thousand words, mandarin can express a picture in a few words. This year, I had written quite a few posts about Mayday's songs and the lyrics that deeply touch my heart. I shall write down all those lyrics that made my heart skipped a beat this year:
努力不会徒劳，伟大并非凑巧
努力不会徒劳，爱并非凑巧
终究会有一天，我们都变成昨天
是你陪我走过一生一回匆匆的岁月
夜空中最亮的星能否听清
那仰望的人心底的孤独和叹息
从前哭着哭着就笑啦
现在笑着笑着却哭啦
快乐变得那么复杂
原来这就叫长大
没被看不起当笑话
怎么配叫做梦想
如果你能预知这条路的陷阱
我想你依然错得很过瘾
每当我迟疑 总不肯忘记
活在我心深处那顽固的自己
某一天某一刻某次呼吸
我们终将再分离
展开披风带你飞行
Still a lot more, I just cannot finish all of them. In 45 minutes, I will welcome the new year. Thank you for all the memories, 2017.
2017 started off a little rocky but the terrain got better as the year progressed. This was a complete opposite to my 2016. I vividly remembered how I felt at this time of the year, trying so hard to figure out my next step and had to constantly encourage myself to persevere to get to my next destination. I mentioned that I should count my blessings if I managed to get a full-time job in the shortest time possible and thankfully, I achieved what I want faster than expected.
Milestones:
Indeed, I did get a full-time job in finance. I barged my way into one of the hardest industries in the world, IB. It is all glam and glamour to the outsider because of the salary it commands. To me, having this job helped me get back to the level of financial security that I desire and which keeps me from worrying. I can then start to focus on achieving other things in life. Somehow, my prayers were answered. I read something on this very last day that says, "幸福都是奋斗出来的”, which means that happiness is something that you have to fight for. I do not disagree with that but I think we should also be thankful when our effort can translate into happiness. There are so many people out there who work so hard to fight for what they want but failed to accomplish what they set out to achieve. I need not brag or remind others about how hard I had worked before I landed this job, no one really cares about the blood, tears and sweat behind the scenes; everyone focuses on the outcome but I am grateful that I got what I wished for through my hard work and never-say-die attitude, coupled with the support and prayers from my family. Transiting from 2016 to 2017 has indeed brought out my resilience and made myself know that I still can give physically and mentally a lot more than I think I do. Perhaps without going through the last few months of 2016, I would not have been able to bite the bullet and pull myself through 2017.
I am a forward-looking person, always thinking a step ahead and consequently, I forget to live in the moment. Being in this job has definitely taught me this one important tip to life. My job does not give me the ability to plan my schedule ahead because there are always last minute disruptions and plans have to change. As such, whenever I have free time, I do not procrastinate and embark on the activities that I want to do and appreciate whatever pockets of free time that I could use to travel, explore and engage in the activities that I enjoyed doing. Having lost control of my own time and trading off my freedom for the pound made me felt lost in the beginning but humans are highly flexible and adaptable and with the passage of time, I worked my way around my limited control over my free time.
Besides that, I spent 2017 by myself a lot. I remembered how uncomfortable I was this time of last year when I had to be at a gathering which I felt so out of place and when I finally got to the gym on the first day of the new year, I felt freed. My takeaway from this year was that, you could be with a throng of people yet felt lonely within yet your heart could be so filled when you are sitting alone blogging. Life has such contrasts at times. Nevertheless, I do feel lonely more in 2017 than in the first 1.5 years after I left home to pursue my dreams in 2015. I find myself missing my family a lot more, because I am someone who needs interaction constantly, having others share their life experiences with me and vice versa. That said, I do not like spending time with people who do not matter. However, if you pass judgment too quickly and deem the other party as someone whom you are not interested in spending time with or engaging in conversations without really understanding the person's background and what the person has to say, you will lose a potential friend. Fortunately or unfortunately, my life has taken that turn and I often have to make such decisions owing to the time constraint that I have. The downside of my job is that it makes me more pragmatic more than ever and value my time like a diamond, limited and priceless.
You gain some and you lose some. I went back to playing badminton regularly after moving here and that has become the biggest part of my social life. My passion for the game is burning and I constantly want to improve my game play and criticism is often the motivating factor for me to find a breakthrough in my game.
For all that I have achieved, there are areas where I still need to work on. I did not strike #1 off my 2017 new year resolutions. Making the first move to buy a guitar was right but that desire to learn to play the guitar was only sustained for 4 weeks before I got engulfed by work completely, travelled back home then to London and left the guitar to collect dust in a corner of my home. That shall be my 2018's resolution again.
Moving forward to 2018, my life is back on track on the rat race and I have had to once again prepare myself for the mountain of work that I have to face when the new quarter starts.
2018 resolutions:
1. Learn to play the guitar
2. Visit Africa and go on a safari
3. Learn swimming (I wrote this down but I know that I am unlikely to accomplish it. I have always had a fear for water and I do not know how I could overcome this).
4. Save money!
5. Volunteer!
6. Be giving, appreciative and judge less
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give ~ Winston ChurchillIn 2017, I live by what I earned but I realise that the things that make my heart fill so full is always the love, care and concern that I give to the people around me, be it my siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews or my parents.
JC once said that Mandarin pop is better than Western music. For me, it is not the melody rather than the lyrics. If you understand mandarin, you will understand how well the language can paint a picture. While others say a picture paint a thousand words, mandarin can express a picture in a few words. This year, I had written quite a few posts about Mayday's songs and the lyrics that deeply touch my heart. I shall write down all those lyrics that made my heart skipped a beat this year:
努力不会徒劳，伟大并非凑巧
努力不会徒劳，爱并非凑巧
终究会有一天，我们都变成昨天
是你陪我走过一生一回匆匆的岁月
夜空中最亮的星能否听清
那仰望的人心底的孤独和叹息
从前哭着哭着就笑啦
现在笑着笑着却哭啦
快乐变得那么复杂
原来这就叫长大
没被看不起当笑话
怎么配叫做梦想
如果你能预知这条路的陷阱
我想你依然错得很过瘾
每当我迟疑 总不肯忘记
活在我心深处那顽固的自己
某一天某一刻某次呼吸
我们终将再分离
展开披风带你飞行
Still a lot more, I just cannot finish all of them. In 45 minutes, I will welcome the new year. Thank you for all the memories, 2017.
Saturday, 14 October 2017
Adjustments
There is always so much ongoing in my head but when it comes to having to pen them down, there is so much inertia. It is not that I do not enjoy writing or whatsoever, rather I just feel tired after work and I would rather hit the sack.
After coming back from training in London, life is back to chaos and weekend work. I found a new mechanism to cope with the stress and long hours of work and so far it is working well - having something to look forward to. I really enjoy my weekly badminton sessions, thrice a week gym sessions and my trips back home. For now, I am counting down to November when I get to go back for a weekend to attend Efu’s and Amanda’s birthdays. 1 more month to go so in the short run, I count down to my weekly Badminton sessions. Some of the people at the club are really good and I really enjoy playing with them and learning from them. This method has worked well so far, I feel less upset about having to work those hours and it makes me happy when I get to play Badminton to unwind and also go to the gym!
I do not know how long this method will keep me sane and make my life less miserable but hopefully it lasts for the next 4 months until at least CNY! It will be March then and at least I have my bonus to look forward to. :)
After coming back from training in London, life is back to chaos and weekend work. I found a new mechanism to cope with the stress and long hours of work and so far it is working well - having something to look forward to. I really enjoy my weekly badminton sessions, thrice a week gym sessions and my trips back home. For now, I am counting down to November when I get to go back for a weekend to attend Efu’s and Amanda’s birthdays. 1 more month to go so in the short run, I count down to my weekly Badminton sessions. Some of the people at the club are really good and I really enjoy playing with them and learning from them. This method has worked well so far, I feel less upset about having to work those hours and it makes me happy when I get to play Badminton to unwind and also go to the gym!
I do not know how long this method will keep me sane and make my life less miserable but hopefully it lasts for the next 4 months until at least CNY! It will be March then and at least I have my bonus to look forward to. :)
Thursday, 7 September 2017
What on earth is happiness?
This space has been empty for quite some time. A lot of thoughts flow through my mind every single day but I am just too lazy to pen them down. I have a brand new life now, accomplished what I had set out in one of my new year resolutions but here I am, sitting and pondering about my next step in life AGAIN. I think I simply think too much at times. Overthinking makes one unhappy. When I look at the people around me, I have a million dollar question for them - Are you happy with your life? I think it will jolt some people out of their comfort zone and set them thinking about what truly makes them happy but at the same time, I am bound to hear amazing stories of how people are so satisfied about their life.What then determines if you are truly happy? For me, when I wake up in the morning and look into myself in the mirror, I ask myself that question. I am not unhappy, but I am not happy either. One would then question, but you have gotten what you wanted, so why are you still not satisfied?
I love writing, because as I pen down my thoughts, I reflect on what I had written previously and it makes me realise that I have been blessed with a lot more than what the average person out there has. I am not in the top 1% percentile for sure but I think one needs to draw a line and toe it. I can never be like kids from wealthy family and live without worries for $$ or old age but at the same time, I do not have the worries about shouldering the burden of a family. No doubt I find my daily life mundane at times, and when I think about that, I feel fear. Having gone through 3 decades of time on earth, I have grown accustomed to the many ups and downs in life, sometimes even immune to the sufferings that I see, not knowing how I can change life and leave a mark on earth anymore. I just want to dissipate into thin air the day my time on earth ends. This is when I look at my parents who have spent twice the time I do on earth and feel only suffering and misery and nothing else. They have nothing to look forward to in life yet they have go through the daily grit of life, repeating the same routine over and over again. I bet some days, they wish they could finally leave Earth to be with God.
There is a saying in Chinese that kind people are blessed to live a shorter time on Earth and leave to be with God. I did not appreciate this saying 10 years back but these days, as signs of old age batter on me, I start to wonder when will the time come for me to finally be with God? Someone once told me that we fight to survive and if some day we are in a life and death situation, our instinct is to fight to stay alive. I am not so sure if I still have that animal instinct in me. I will miss the people who have shown me so much love and care and am fully aware that my departure will inflict pain and misery on them. It will be selfish of me to not want to fight to keep my breath but some days, I just think that I would love to be back with Nature sooner and finally let go of the struggles of existence.
I love writing, because as I pen down my thoughts, I reflect on what I had written previously and it makes me realise that I have been blessed with a lot more than what the average person out there has. I am not in the top 1% percentile for sure but I think one needs to draw a line and toe it. I can never be like kids from wealthy family and live without worries for $$ or old age but at the same time, I do not have the worries about shouldering the burden of a family. No doubt I find my daily life mundane at times, and when I think about that, I feel fear. Having gone through 3 decades of time on earth, I have grown accustomed to the many ups and downs in life, sometimes even immune to the sufferings that I see, not knowing how I can change life and leave a mark on earth anymore. I just want to dissipate into thin air the day my time on earth ends. This is when I look at my parents who have spent twice the time I do on earth and feel only suffering and misery and nothing else. They have nothing to look forward to in life yet they have go through the daily grit of life, repeating the same routine over and over again. I bet some days, they wish they could finally leave Earth to be with God.
There is a saying in Chinese that kind people are blessed to live a shorter time on Earth and leave to be with God. I did not appreciate this saying 10 years back but these days, as signs of old age batter on me, I start to wonder when will the time come for me to finally be with God? Someone once told me that we fight to survive and if some day we are in a life and death situation, our instinct is to fight to stay alive. I am not so sure if I still have that animal instinct in me. I will miss the people who have shown me so much love and care and am fully aware that my departure will inflict pain and misery on them. It will be selfish of me to not want to fight to keep my breath but some days, I just think that I would love to be back with Nature sooner and finally let go of the struggles of existence.